The Pub at the Edge of the Multiverse ~ Fanfiction Public Planning Thread

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Oops, sorry. I forgot to paragraph =/

What do you mean by "Awful" like how could I improve it?

 

Well paragraphs immediately helped for a start, thanks for that. Some of them could have been placed better, but it was a start.

 

'It is far off in the Future. Long after what we call Civilisation faded. The earth had been completely flooded from a Battle with the Strongest Beings of Anima: A place filled entirely of entirely spirits of the Long Dead. In order to stop the Spirits breaking out from where they rightfully belonged, 18 "Spirit Weapons" where created. Each one given to a Family assigned with that Spirit. The Spirits of Anima arn't exactly evil, but get jealous of the living and wish to bring more to their unfortunate fate. Nor is Anima another Planet or Dimension, it is located within a Canyon, known as "Spirit Canyon" However only those holding all 18 Spirit Weapons can enter...'

 

He closed the book. "Just the same old, stupid mythical legend." He said, walking into his Family's Training room. There, he found a Golden Cabinet holding the Spirit Sword: Snow Wolf. The Cabinet was said to be guarded by the Spirit of the Snow Wolf: The Sensei of the Family who passed away many years ago. Rather than brutally take the sword and run, He decided to ask the Snow Wolf kindly for permission. "Sensei. I really need this Sword. She's ran off again, only this time she took off with the Spirit Weapon we were given by the Pheonixes. I don't want her to be a stupid idiot and lose it in a fight." He said as the put the Key in the Lock. He opened the Cabinet and took the sword. He heard an all familiar voice.

 

"I understand. Let me follow you on your path. As a wise man once said: Does the Walker choose the Path? Or the Path the walker? Think about it. Remember it whenever you are faced with a tough decision." The Sensei said. He looked around. A Ethereal, Ghost-like vision of the Snow Wolf was standing before him. It nodded it's head.

 

He ran off in search of his sister. It was pitch-black outside. He hid in the grass in order to prevent his family from seeing him and wondering why he took the sword. He ran for what seemed like hours, until he reached a Forest with two paths leading into it. One marked "Please use this route" and the other reading "Danger! Overgrown!"

 

Does the Walker choose the Path? Or the Path the Walker?"

 

Remember to start a new paragraph EVERY time a different person speaks. Also make it clear what are words spoken aloud and what are thoughts (I used italics in the above).

 

There is too much 'He did this... he did that...' going on, and going on very quickly. There is very little atmosphere; where it says 'it was pitch-black outside' try for the 'the heavy blanket of complete darkness surrounding him, reducing his sight to only a few feet, increased the strain on his nerves, but that only strengthened his resolve'. Yeah I'm not going to demand a Rowling or Tolkien here and I'm not going to say 'try harder' like a patronising idiot, but just try to expand on things more. Don't overdo description, but try to establish a bit more mood and feeling of the characters and settings.

 

I do love the Walker/Path? thing though, and it is definately imaginative. I certainly can't question your ideas at this point. Just keep practising reading and writing things and learning, you'll get there.

[Resident Fascist]

K. I'll rewrite it now.

 

"It is far off in the Future. Where what we call 'civilisation' has faded. The earth was completely flooded and almost completely destroyed in a battle against the strongest beings of Anima: a Place filled with only the Spirits of the long departed. The spirits of Anima are not evil, but are simply jealous of the living and wish to bring more to their untimely fate. In order to counteract this, 18 spirits of Anima where captured and forged inside weapons known as "Spirit Weapons" Each one was given to a family, named after the Anima Spirit that was placed inside the weapon.

 

During thieir time in the weapon, the spirits have lost their jealousy to the world and started to follow their master's orders. Anima is neither a Planet nor Dimension, it is infact located deep within a Canyon far off in the Polar regions of the Planet. It is however, heavily kept a secret from many and even those who know about it cannot enter.

 

As a prevention technique of stopping someone simply releasing the Spirits again to ravage the planet more, there are 18 Doors where all 18 Spirit Weapons must be placed in order to open the gate to Anima. It is unknown the contents of Anima, as no human as successfully entered. He closed the dusty, red book and sighed.

 

"It's the same old mythical legend." He muttered under his breath. Walking up to the enterance of his Family's dojo, carefully sliding open the door with a Key in his back pocket. There was a golden cabinet at the end of the wide, empty training room. He knew he couldn't just take the family sword and chase after her, but he had to do something. Almost at the end of the room, the window was open. The full moon was high in the sky and nothing could be seen around the family house. Walking up the steps to the sword, he said

 

"Sensei. I really need this sword. She's run off again. Only this time she ran off with the Spirit Weapon that the Pheonixes gave us. She didn't even bother opening the door, she just smashed the glass and ran. I don't want her losing it like an idiot. You know how powerful these things are."

 

He put the key in the lock and turned it. The lock was extremely stiff, as if it hadn't been opened in years. As quietly as he could, he opened the Cabinet door and took the sword. A all-familiar voice was heard.

 

"I understand. The sword was to be inherited to you, anyways. Just remember this. Does the walker choose the path? Or the path the walker? Remember it well, and always ask yourself this question whenever you are faced with a tough decision. Now go after your sister. Don't worry about explaining how the sword vanished, I'll explain everything tommorow." The sensei, taking the form of the snow wolf clearly stated.

 

Rather than risk waking the rest of the family up, he decided to dive out of the window that was open. The blanket of darkness was intense, and he couldn't see more than 2 inches in front of him. The darkness strained his eyes, but this seemed to only stengthen his will to get through it. By the time he could see anything, the moon had already started to go down. It would soon be morning. He decided to check his surroundings by looking up on a hill. The family house, and the field he had trekked through all night... Deciding to carry on, the road soon split. One way lead to a forest... The other lead to what appeared to be a river.

 

Does the walker choose the path? Or the path the walker?

 

[spoiler=Path 1(Rough draft): The Boat to nowhere and the Mysterious Reading]

He ran up the road and looked around, there was no-one to be seen for miles, he climbed into the boat and pushed off shore, unsure of where the boat would take him.

 

"She could be anywhere... I'll try the cities first" he thought to himself. With that, he closed his eyes out of sheer tiredness...

Huh? What the hell was that? Urgh, that Dream again... How long have I been looking for my sister? 8 Years? I was only 13 when I set off... Urgh. Life's such a drag."

He awoke to a large city. Same old city he'd been looking through for the past week. His sword was right beside him.

"All the same, huh. Better get back to work." I got up from where I had fell to sleep. A broken down back alley way located in the 15th district of the city. This was the 7th city I'd visited in the past year. I'm starting to get a little tired of this. But oh well. My first point of call would be the city centre. Last night, I got some crazy readings on the Spirit Detector. There's got to be something, or someone there.

 

Walking as normal as I could, trying to hide the Spirit Weapon, I made my way through the maze that was the city. It seemed endless and the layout seemed to change day by day due to endless construction work. The readings on the Spirit Meter got higher and higher as I approched the city centre. I didn't want to just waltz straight in without a backup plan... I looked around.... There was a ladder at the back of a rundown storage facility. The ladder was rusty and cold... and seemed to go on until I reached the stars. Once I got to the top, you could clearly see the city centre. The plaza was empty. Not a single soul. What was wrong? The spirit detector was going mad, but there was no-one there. I watched for a few minutes. A civilian walked out of the Information desk... And suddenly was attacked... By something.

 

There was almost no evidence that the attack even took place, apart from the fact the civiilan was badly injured. I watched furthermore. The spirit meter started to decrease it's reading. Whatever had attacked that Civilian has left the scene. I climbed back down the ladder post-haste and ran straight into the plaza. Pulling out the Spirit Weapon. It seemed the attacker had completely fled. If it where a spirit binded to this location, it would've attacked me as soon as I drawn the spirit weapon. A camoflaging spirit? Or something else? Then it suddenly occured to me. Those without proficiency in seeing Spirits cannot even see attacks from spirits or Spirit Weapons. as far as any civilian or justice officer was concerned, I didn't have a Spirit Weapon and was just a regular guy.

 

For some inexplicable reason, I walked up to where the civilian was, and asked them exactly what happened.

 

"Well... I was asking for information on the phases of the ocean and how it will affect the city, and as soon as I walked out... I was attacked by something... and well, here I am." He said.

 

The information was pretty rough, but who would be interested in the ocean and the city? It seems like a pretty limited subject, to be honest. I further asked what the attack from the Spirit or Spirit weapon felt like.

 

"Well, I heard a sound... Then a few seconds later I was hit in the back by something, and I fell on the floor out of agony. The sound was like... singing, I don't know why... I must be going crazy!"

 

Singing? A brief delay before the attack hits the target? Interested in the Ocean? ... My awnser was clear. Whoever had the Spirit Weapon: Mermaid Bow was behind this. But what would she get out of attacking random civilians? After reaching my verdict, I helped the civilian.

 

"I have to search for whoever has that damned Mermaid Bow. If that b**** keeps attacking random people out of nowhere, before we know it all the Spirit Weapon wielders will be regarded to as Criminals. Well, I heard somewhere that only a woman can use that bow... More to the point, only a woman of great Archery skill and of the Mermaid family can use it." This shouldn't take too long. I continued to wander around the city, searching for spirit readings. I decided to go on the aspect of "The perpetrator always returns to the scene of the crime" theory and wander in a direct circle around the city.

 

If I notice a spirit reading, I'll follow it. It took a while, but I eventually picked up a reading. this one was extremely clear. It was on top of a building. A bow user would obviously want the highest ground. The fatal flaw was that whoever was using the bow could see all around. If I was spotted, I'd probably be shot by it. Luckily, I can see the shots, or so I thought. I heard the all-familiar sound of singing and Immediately dived for cover. While the shot wasn't aimed at me, you have to realise that she could be aiming at anyone. The cover I had selected was a brick wall. I heard the sound again, and soon I saw rubble drop before my feet. Had I been spotted?

 

I acted like nothing happened... It seems she was just firing at everything in clear view. As I walked back out from under my cover, I saw a small glimpse of Blue Hair at the top of the building. Someone was there. I just had to figure out how to get up there without being spotted... This would be tough. I kept dodging in and out of cover, in back alley ways, and even behind trash cans. I hadn't been spotted until I'd reached the building. There was a lift or stairs. Me being more a Physical person and not a lazy slouch, I took the stairs. They seemed to go on forever. Once I reached the top, there was a ladder up to the top floor.

 

"Here goes nothing..." he thought to himself. and climbed up the ladder. There was a brief bit of cover where the lift shaft top would be, he poked his head around to see who the hell it was... he couldn't believe what he saw. A childhood friend, Hara. She was always bragging about how she was 4 years older than him., and always seemed to like him. He stepped out to talk, but she had already started giggling as soon as he stepped out from the cover.

"Well hello there, Ray. Been a while, hasn't it?" She said. Pulling back the string on the bow.

"Uhh, Hara what the hell are you doing!? Isn't that misuse of the Spirit Weapon?"

She giggled some more, and turned around.

"No. You see the people I've been attacking with the Mermaid Bow... Are all Spirit Hunters. They recently ravaged our family home. Leaving us without a meeting hall. I thought I'd just take my anger out on them by putting a few arrows in them. It's a simple concept really."

 

As soon as she said this, the inevitable hatred of the Spirit Hunters returned in Ray's head... Now I see exactly why Hara was using a Spirit Weapon on them. It's completely undetectable by anyone without Spiritual proficiency. Spirit hunters don't have such proficiency. They're just blinded idiots lead to believe that the Spirits are going to bring about the end of the world if let loose. He thought.

 

"And that's the last one." She said, putting the bow down. she sat down and started to talk to Ray. The conversation went on for quite a while and in a multitide of different subjects. On notable topics, Hara explained that She recently saw someone escaping the city at a fast pace. Holding what she saw as a Winged Sword. She was debating about firing the Mermaid Bow at her, but realising it was a Spirit Weapon, she stopped. She didn't want to anger another Spirit Family for no reason, especially as her family recently lost their family home. Another notable topic is that Hara wanted to travel along with Ray. He accepted the offer, of course. Ray had a multitude of different topics in his head... Ray had always been friends with Hara when they where younger, more so than his other friends when the Spirit Families had a meeting. The other topic was finding his sister. If she had truely fled this city, how did she get out overnight?

 

Suddenly, the conversation stopped. Hara pointed out to a large, cold steel building far off in the distance.

"You see that tower over there? They call that Spirit Tower. There's someone there I'd like to speak to. You don't mind taking me there do you?" Hara giggled almost uncontrolably, as if she was forcing Ray to take her there. The fact of the matter was, however his sister escaped from the city, they where going to have to take the same route. The tower was only several miles away. They could take a boat ride there, but apparently it was too urgent to take the boat. By the time they had decided how to travel, the sun started to go down.

"We'll be able to get there before midnight, right?" Hara asked, with a concerned look on her face.

"Yeah, Waterbike travel is pretty fast." Ray said, throwing Hara a set of keys to a waterbike he entered the city with.

"So, how are you going to travel? If I take the Waterbike..."

 

"Well, you see... Our family have devised a certian... "Trick." I'm going to communicate with the Sensei for a little bit. Give me a moment." Ray closed his eyes for what seemed like hours. "Sensei, you don't happen to know anyway of travelling across water without a boat or Waterbike, do you?" He asked, holding the Snow Wolf Sword in front of him.

"Well, I do happen to know one technique. It's not particually well... Efficient. If you're planning to travel a long distance, it's useless."

The sensei started to talk in what appeared to be Howls.

"I understand." Ray opened his eyes again and threw the Sword off the side of the Building. A large, blue glow emitted from the sword as it fell. When the sword hit the floor with a loud "Clang" there was a brief silence before Audible sounds of Wolf Howls. The Sword had somehow Transformed into a Water-Going wolf spirit.

"Ok, looks like we are ready. What's the time? You said you wanted to get there before midnight?"

 

Hara looked at her watch. It was 21:47PM. They had just under 3 hours to travel 5 miles by water. The walk to the harbor seemed to take forever, but everything does when you are under a time limit. Once they had reached the harbor, the moon had started to rise. It was a deep crimison red... As if It was saying... Something. The sea was rough and unsteady. It was hard for even the Water Wolf to not fall into the water. The water was a murky dark colour. The industrial city. Of course it's water would be murky. Then the worst happened. Almost 1 mile to the tower, 22:17. A storm happened. The water got even more rough. Ray couldn't see a thing. For all he knew, Hara could have drowned or got lost.

 

Should Ray go look for Hara?

 

[spoiler=Branching Path 1: No]I chose to Ignore the storm and head on to my goal. Spirit tower soon came into view. The tower was dark, almost ominous looking. What did Hara want with this place? The storm started to die out. It was a relief. I saw Hara was fine, she smiled at me and said she was ok. I guess she was of the Spirit Family of a Mermaid, so she has to have some profeciency in being able to see better in Sea Storms, I guess. I looked at my watch again. It was 23:15. 45 Minutes until Midnight. We had made it to the shore of the island.

 

Ray was mindstruck by what he saw. As if the Island had been prepared for them, there was a lit candle by the docking station. Hara picked it up. It was Bronze in design. It's wick had almost run out. There was a large, stone flight of stairs before the tower. The walk itself to the Tower was short. The door to the tower was large and wooden, lined with silver joinings and nails. It took a Joint effort of us both just to open it. By the time we where in the tower, the atmosphere changed. There was mist all on the ground. The room felt cold.

"This place sure feels haunted..." Ray whispered to Hara.

"Well, it is the spirit tower! Stop dillydaling!" We rushed up the long, spiraling set of stairs. They seemed to go on, and on, and on, and on, and on. It was like a Labyrinth of stairs. We finally reached the top. There was another door. Instinctively, Ray opened it. There was a Man inside. He had Light Green hair that stretched down to his knees, and was holding a book.

 

"Ah, A member of the Snow Wolves. Pleased to meet you. My name is Albert. But please, just call me 'Professor.' You are probably wondering why I asked your good friend Hara to bring you here. Well, as I am sure you have been told. Anima is getting hungry."

"Anima? How can a Location get hungry? I can't see how you're making any sense, Professor." Ray asked, puzzled to the sheer brink of near insanity.

 

"Do you not know of the Spirit Dragon, Anima? Wasn't you taught that the Spirit's Home was named after the Dragon that was sealed inside of it? It's quite ironic, It caused all this disaster. You'd think a Dragon named after Life would want anything but chaos. Anyway, back to the more pressing matter. It's getting hungry. We will need to feed it. From my research, it will be approximately 235 Days before the Anima gets so hungry it starts to eat it's own Prison and break free. Unfortunately, to feed it... Creatures or Humans will have to die. The anima eats the Physical form of said dead life, and turns it's spiritual matter into a Spirit. Unfortunately, If it gets too hungry and breaks out, I fear for the worst. However, I am developing an alternate way of feeding the creature. The Anima is normally a Kind Creature, as it has now understood it's mistakes. But I would perfer to feed it. If you are wanting to feed it the normal way, please only dispose of wanted criminals. But If possible, avoid feeding it like that. Are you looking for your sister still, Ray? Last time I spoke to your family, a whole 7 years ago... You had just ran away. She took a Spirit Weapon with her. In order for my alternate food idea to work, we must actually give the Dragon the food in person. We already have 3 of the Spirit Weapons here."

 

Albert raised the book up.

 

"This is one of them. It's the Spirit weapon of Intelligence. A book of almost endless knowledge. Do you not know, Knowledge can be both a Shield and a Weapon? Anyway, enough talking about this book. I'd like you to bring all 15 other spirit weapons and their holders here. Then, I can teleport us all to the Gates of Anima. Anyways. Your sister has one of those weapons. I highly doubt she has a care in the world for this issue. I did happen to speak to her, she said she wanted to fight you. Where she ran off to is unknown, though. I do advise you go after her." Albert stated. His voice was as calm as the Clouds in the now morning skies.

 

 

 

 

 

"

 

I had another go. I don't mind how many tries this takes, because to be honest most people don't like stories that don't have a good opening. Path 1 pretty much starts the longer path, which can lead to the bad ending. Where as path 2 is much shorter and will more than likely, unless the reader makes stupid choices, lead to the good ending. Should I use the same quote for choose between X moments or different ones, using the same quote might get repetitive, however it would indicate a definate choice must be made. The cities in the story are located above the sea, and can be travelled to by boat(You can probably see where this is going...) or by a Bridge network that spans across the entire planet. Anyway, I'm going to sleep now... I'll read this again tommorow

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Prologue was much better. Much much better.

 

Path 1 for some reason switched suddenly to first person then back and forth towards the end. Dropped into being a list of actions again in places too, but not as badly as the first prologue. The attack part sounded too vague, I immediately thought ravaged by an invisible beast until I realised what had happened. Attacked was probably a bad word to use. But generally better.

 

Just ending on the choice 'Do I do A or B?' should be a sufficient way to end each chapter.

 

Confused how you're going to do this now, you're not going to branch off into two 'alternate realities' for each chapter are you? Because you'd get to hundreds of different scenarios in no time and it would get very confusing. Or am I to take what you said readers choices as readers make the decision then you write to it (that would be cool, I love those adventure books where you do that).

[Resident Fascist]

Pretty much for each descision there's a truth, a false and a medium. Picking the truth adds "1" to an invisible ending score, where as picking the false will result in losing "1" from the score. The medium changes nothing, there are a few variations to each ending.

[~Tico~]

As long s it doesn't get tediously complicated or contradicts itself, it sounds quite interesting.

 

Actually, my fan fic which I'm still doing will have a part later on involving alternate universes, but not entirely so that there are hundreds upon thousands of scenarios. Besides, there'll be a looong time before it gets near that point, and that plot point may be gone by then.

[bury the year]

Pretty much for each descision there's a truth, a false and a medium. Picking the truth adds "1" to an invisible ending score, where as picking the false will result in losing "1" from the score. The medium changes nothing, there are a few variations to each ending.

 

IMHO, I think it'd be easier on you to do what Bahamut suggested and just write in response to the readers without a clear-cut ending, much like a one-person RP. If you're trying to conform the actions your contributors give you to a predetermined conclusion and things go way too far off track, then there's going to be asspulling involved, and a lot of people don't like unexplained changes in plot. Just saying.

[Resident Fascist]

IMHO, I think it'd be easier on you to do what Bahamut suggested and just write in response to the readers without a clear-cut ending, much like a one-person RP. If you're trying to conform the actions your contributors give you to a predetermined conclusion and things go way too far off track, then there's going to be asspulling involved, and a lot of people don't like unexplained changes in plot. Just saying.

 

I removed the medium from the choice paths, but I still want 2 endings. The alternate path goes something like, the Main character continues dreaming until he reaches the bridge in the dream, which takes several hours in-story timeframe. So Hara already left the city. Also, the Spirit Weapons will have a big effect on the story(Not only being the keys to Anima, but they have their own effects too) Also, Does the name "Missing Link! Key to Anima!" sound like a good name or? Without going too much into detail, I can explain what the current 2 Spirit Weapons do without spoiling a huge amount of later plot.

 

Spirit Snow Wolf Sword: Gives the weilder the ability to communicate with wolves, lead wolves and also contact the Sensei. It is the key to the 7th door ~ Leadermanship. It gives a member of the Snow Wolf Family the Ability to read Spirit Energy. It is one of the few spirit weapons that anyone from any Spirit Family can use. It's original owners are still in possesion of it.

 

Spirit Mermaid Bow: Can only be used by a Woman. The bow shots require no Arrows, and can travel underwater. It is the key to the 15th door ~ Wit of Eye.

 

I have the entire plot thought out, but not completely fleshed out which is why I'm here. I'll leave you to guess the other 16 Spirit Weapons because well... I want to keep it a suprise.

[VGVentus]

Greetings! For a while, I've been creating a fanfiction based in the Pokemon universe. I'd like to run the synopsis by some more, professional writers, before I release it.

 

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Born From Darkness - PG13 (May rise)

Synopsis - Two friends, the brave and stubbon Koto and the shy but pure Heart find the body of a Riolu unconcious on the beach, who upon awakening, reveals that he doesn't remember anything about his past! With nowhere else to go, the Rilou joins an Exploration Team with Heart and Koto, not knowing what adventures wait ahead of him in this world of Pokemon!

 

I've pinned down about 50% of the details, but I have enough to write the first chapter at least.

[Phantom Roxas]

Are Koto and Heart just names, or are they original Pokémon? "Heart" is a silly name, although naming your kid "Hope" isn't much of an improvement, since the standard reason for that is "They give us hope, so we'll call them that." The premise doesn't suggest much beyond the standard PMD plot, aside from the fact that two Pokémon find the amnesiac protagonist as opposed to one.

 

Granted, I can't complain much since I'm also going to write a Pokémon Mystery Dungeon starring a Squirtle and an Eevee, and I haven't thought about much of that, but if you have enough to write the first chapter, then go ahead.

[bury the year]

I'm automatically a bit leery about the PMD one, because Riolu is in that circle of Pokemon (along with Eevee, Pikachu, Vulpix, etc.) that are incredibly overused and thus require pretty damn good reasoning as to why you're making it unique. You haven't said too much about the plot yet, so I can't really harp, but if you want to wow people, try some less-commonly used Pokemon for your protag. Just saying~

[VGVentus]

To be honest, Riolu was the first thing that cam into my head, and really, I can't imagine any other Pokemon filling in his role.

 

Also, the story, though similar at first glance, branches of from the original plot considerably, though why this is the case, is known to myself, and only myself.

 

And another thing, I know the names 'Heart' and 'Koto' aren't the best names to give a character, but they've stuck, and I can't see myself changing them. One name, the name of the Riolu, actually has some importance in his name, so I wouldn't change it anyway.

 

However, thank you for the points you've made, they've shown me what problems exist within my plot.

 

[Dr. Cakey]

So the plot is:

 

"It's Pokemon Mystery Dungeon except"

 

Now obviously you're planning on going somewhere with this, but we can't judge what you don't tell us about. Not saying don't write the story, just that you haven't actually given any information. Incidentally, what kind of Pokemon are Koto and Heart?

 

I've always wanted to write a Pokemon story, but doing that would require me to have played a Pokemon game, you know...ever.

[VGVentus]

In response to Dr. Cakey-Chan's question:

 

Koto is a Mawile, Heart is a Buneary.

 

Also, I do need this to be judged, so I'll reveal the outline of the plot.

 

Riolu wakes up on beach, joins team, joins guild, same old same old. But then, criminals with life sentences from the highest security prison on the planet escape, in response, multiple guilds have been assigned to locating and capturing these criminals.

 

The criminals have finally been captured! But, only seconds after this victory, a bright orb appears in the sky, which is actually a meteorite heading straight for earth! However, it's not what the meteorite can do that everyone should worry about...

 

There you have it, the outline of the plot.

[Catterjune]

I had an idea for not really a story, but just the basic premise of a thing.

 

Basically, it's a story taking place in the far and distant-ish future. Humanity has mostly decided to lock themselves in metal pods or whatever and attach their minds to computer, ala the Matrix.

 

The protagonist is a guy on the outside, within the 'real world'. His basic job is oversee the entire digital world. He doesn't ever enter it, just makes sure everything is running smoothly. However he's kind of just a jaded and bored guy, looking for whatever to break up the monotony.

 

In short, he's basically God of their world, the lives of hundreds of millions of people are in his hand, but he just really doesn't give a damn about the world he's in charge of.

 

... But beyond that, I don't know how or where the story would go. Just one guy tasked with 100 percent of the lives of everyone else.

[DL]

It sounds like the premise for a movie.

 

He's so bored and lazy, he neglects his work for a bit, to go do something, but someonething goes wrong, and he has to stop the machine from selfdestructing and kiling all of humanity

 

 

But there are many other routes you can take. For example, you can have him actually try to ENTER the virtual world, to see what it's like and ward off boredom

 

And then another person from outside who wasn't in the virtual world (unless they ALL are) messes with the controls

 

 

Could be a kid thinking it's a video game, or a bad guy trying to destroy humanity/take over the world.

[Dr. Cakey]

Needs more digitized people appearing as floating holographic heads declaring themselves to have ascended to the throne of God.

[Just Crouton]

I once had this idea for a rewrite of Yugioh 5D's, but never went though with it because of lack of interest in doing so. The idea was to reimagine the cast, and mostly rewrite everything after the Dark Signers arc.

 

Since I'm not going to write it, these were ideas I had.

 

-Yusei is a rebellious person who smokes and drinks. He hates the Sector Security and has a long-time feud with Trudge prior to the series.

 

-Yusei makes mistakes, and commits crimes, mainly theft and assault. His character development involves learning morality.

 

-Yusei doesn't get arrested after his first duel with Jack. He runs over Sector Security and barely escapes with help from Bolt Tanner. The prison episodes don't happen.

 

-Yusei will cheat if his life is threatened, including ramming an enemy, and trying to kamikaze Rex. He doesn't do this post-Dark Signers. Jack and Crow also do this at times.

 

-Yusei has a chain as a weapon, which he uses on a Sector Security that forces him into a riding duel as he escapes.

 

-There are 2 Yusei Gos; The first was built by Yusei, and has a beat-up appearance. This one is destroyed in the first duel against Kallen. The second is the one from the series. Rex supplies Yusei with it to battle the Dark Signers.

 

-Crow has a gambling problem, and commits crimes to help the kids.

 

-Crow doesn't become a Signer, nor does he get Black-Winged Dragon. He's remains the "normal guy" (Joey Wheeler) throughout the series.

 

-Jack wins Stardust Dragon from Crow after Crow steals it to bet in a duel against Jack in which Jack cheated to win. Jack had provoked Crow to bet the card.

 

-Jack gets the Wheel of Fortune from Rex.

 

-Leo and Luna are older.

 

-Leo becomes a Signer during the Devack duel, but gets Life Stream Dragon later.

 

-The water trap Sayer used on Yusei and Mina is replaced by Sayer trapping them in a Needle Ceiling trap with his psychic powers. Trudge has to break down the door so they can escape.

 

-Rex doesn't get the Signer's powers because of Leo getting the last sign, but still gets the Dark Signer's powers.

 

-Post-Dark Signers is completely different story. This new story focuses on WRGP, with Team Ragnarok as the story villains.

 

-Aporia is a messenger from a post-apocalyptic future to stop Team 5D's and Ragnarok from dueling. In Aporia's future, a Ragnarok event happened when Harald's Odin defeated Yusei and Stardust for game. Odin and the Crimson Dragon battled, causing Momentum to malfunction from the chaos and destroy the planet.

 

-Bruno is leader of one of the WRGP teams. His team specializes in Accel Synchro, and Yusei learns of the mechanic while watching them duel on TV.

 

-Harald is a rich ladies' man, and surrounds himself with beautiful women, including 3 Valkyrie assassins who serve to introduce Life Stream and Shooting Star.

 

-Yusei receives Shooting Star when he's new, experimental Duel Runner engine malfunctions during a test duel and sends him into another dimension. He first uses it against one of the valkyries by stealing the opponent's Formula with Tuner Capture. He keeps Formula after Brave kills the valkyrie with a poison dart for losing.

 

-Aporia uses the Meklord Emperors, which he created to battle the Aesirs, but Dragan defeats him with the Nordic Relics and Thor.

 

-Yusei forces another dimension-jumping later on to get Quasar, which he syncs using Formula, Junk Warrior, and Scarred Warrior and defeats the Aesirs, then attacks directly for game with Shooting Star.

 

-The last story arc is about the Arcadia Movement resurfacing with Z-ONE as their leader. Z-ONE has his pre-Yusei human form with the armor. Z-ONE uses Mind Master to spam Psychic Accel Synchros.

 

-This arc is mostly about Akiza.

[DL]

This seems like it would be 5Ds but more mature and realistic, in a sense.

 

Then again, I never watched past 15 episodes of 5Ds...but yeah

[Catterjune]

But there are many other routes you can take.

 

Indeed...

 

One idea was that since I'm already making it as a not-completely-subtle dig at religion, he'd try to communicate with people in the pods to ease the monotony, and these people would be seen as Moses, John the Baptist, and eventually Jesus by the people of the digital world. (Especially if he literally has a son and sends him to digital world to fix things, and makes sure to hack his character to have ridiculous powers like healing the sick or walking on water or no-clip or infinite ammo or something.)

 

But then some ideas kind of get muddled. In order for that to work:

a) The people have to have no idea they're all just in a simulation

b) The people have to have been there since birth (or near birth)

 

... But then there's the idea of "who the hell is paying for all of this?" and all that.

 

Originally the idea was that they were senior citizens, and this was a makeshift retirement home. Another idea was that this was just what normal people did, because the population was real bad. Renting out a full bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, was hard and borderline impossible in the future, but renting out a small coffin-sized thing and sticking your brain to a computer was not only cheaper, but allowed you to experience a whole new world.

 

I once had this idea for a rewrite of Yugioh 5D's

A lot of people I've seen lately have tried their hand at 'a rewrite of [whatever]'. Not gonna try to read what you write since it's tl;dr, and also because I never saw 5D's so I wouldn't know what you're talking about.

 

 

 

And speaking of being a hypocrite, I've always had the idea of a 'realistic' version of Captain Planet. I'm aware that this board is compromised mostly of 10 year olds so I guess I'll explain.

 

Back in like... the early 90s or something, there was a show called Captain Planet and the Planeteers. There were 5 teenagers (the Planeteers) that all had 5 elemental rings. Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Heart. The kids could use their ring to solve minor problems, like melting a thing with Fire or making pillars in the ground with Earth or waterbending with Water or being useless with Heart. But when things got really really bad, they 'let their powers combine', and summoned the titular Captain Planet, bascially their Deus Ex Machina, get out of jail free card when things got really really bad.

 

The other part that bugged me about the series was how much of stupid caricatures the recurring villains were. Dr. Blight had perfected time travel, and she only used to go back in time and give the A-bomb to Hitler just because she's the kind of jabroni who would do that. Also she has access to an A-bomb. Guys like Hoggish Greedly and Looten Plunder would just dump an oceanliner's worth of oil into the ocean and burn down entire forests just because they hated the environment or something.

 

But basically, that's the kind of stuff my story would avoid. Captain Planet wouldn't exist, and the villains would be more businessmen and women who are just trying to make a living and increase profits this quarter.

 

It would be a lot more 'shades of grey', with the Planeteers presented as idealistic children, bordering on the edge of being heroes of the environment or villains to humanity and progress. Like... yeah, they shut down a coal power plant and saved the environment, but that power planet supplied electricity to the hundreds of people in a small town, including the local community hopsital (which probably has a lot of people on breathing tubes, because of the smoke that blanketed the town).

 

The villains, meanwhile, are rather pained and the ends they have to go to in order to make the world go round. Offshore drilling for oil, that ends up spilling gallons of oil into the ocean. Burning down forests, to create grazing land for cows and other animals to feed the rest of the world, stuff like that. And in the end neither side is really right or wrong. Villains have to make the tough call at the end of the day. Planeteers are idealistic and see things in a black-and-white morality, that prevents them from weighing out the pros and cons of nuclear power or burning fossil fuels.

 

So... like... yeah. =\

 

I just realized I presented a lot of ideas here and never once finished a damn story. >_>

[Just Crouton]

The problem is that story doesn't feel like it would go anywhere, other than character development for the planeteers. Also, I'm guessing the more bizarre villains like Verminous Skumm and Zarm wouldn't appear because...well, Skumm is a sewer rat and Zarm is a warmonger who leads entire populations of planets to destroy themselves, including his own world.

 

The kids could use their ring to solve minor problems, like melting a thing with Fire or making pillars in the ground with Earth or waterbending with Water or being useless with Heart.

 

A common misconception. Heart wasn't useless. It let Ma-Ti bend people's minds to his way of thinking, find others, and on one occasion, he summoned dolphins for him and a weakened Gaia to ride on (In the episode, Zarm tricked the other 4 planteers into trading the rings for Iron Fists which made them destroy a nuke base.) Heart was arguably the most powerful of the 5 rings. The problem was that Ma-Ti was useless and an idiot, was too stupid to use it when he needed to, and it was for plot convenience. If Ma-Ti just used the Heart power on the villain, the episodes would only be 5 minutes long counting the intro, and Captain Planet would never appear. Though, there's a notable episode where recurring supervillain/alien warmonger Zarm (who looks like an evil Jay Leno) destroys the rings in one-on-one fights with the Planeteers. When he gets to Ma-Ti, he demands to know why Ma-Ti refuses to fight. Ma-Ti says he can't because his power is the power of love, and Zarm destroys it. I'd like to argue that Ma-Ti could've used the ring to influence Zarm from evil, but since Zarm was formally a spirit of the Earth like Gaia, and created the Iron Fists on Conquest, which were evil counterparts to the rings and were 10x stronger, he could probably laugh it off. Captain Pollution probably would too...wait, what's going on again?

[Catterjune]

The problem is that story doesn't feel like it would go anywhere, other than character development for the planeteers.

It would most likely be a serial. Episodic, standalone short stories. If I ever remember to take my pills, then maybe I can think up a better story arc.

 

A common misconception. Heart wasn't useless.

It's a joke.

 

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WhatKindOfLamePowerIsHeartAnyway

 

As for the rest, I haven't seen Captain Planet in forever, so I don't remember a lot of individual episodes. I think the last one I remember seeing was something to do with owls where Looten Plunder got away with chopping down an entire forest and laughed about it, and the planeteers were all like "Well damn!" and that was the end.

 

I'd probably need to re-watch the entire series before writing it.

[kabin phever]

Can I throw around a few character ideas I'm thinking of for my own fic, to see if they'll take off?

 

If so due to this being the plot of this entire topic, I guess I will. TELL ME WHAT YOU ALL WILL THINK OF MY IDEAZ! Because I don't know if they'll work or not.

 

Tyranno Hassleberry: A serious kid who doesn't smile or laugh much. Still supportive of others, he won't hesitate to scrap for the safety of others. Also hates rap with a passion, and uses the phrase 'HEY!! I HAVE DINO DNA!!" as an all-purpose excuse. He always gets away with it.

 

Aster Phoenix: A superstar duelist who always makes a spectacular entrance. ALWAYS. He isn't incredibly smart. Gets nicknamed 'Action Aster' by Jaden and the gang, which brings back a childhood trauma: When he was a child, his older brother ticked him into playing Action 52. He played through every game. He was never the same again... Also all of his monsters' names will follow the same formula: Destiny Hero - Diamond Dude Guy, Destiny Hero - Devilguy Dude, Destiny Hero - Diehard Guy Dude.

 

Bonaparte: A puppet Crowler uses, as if he were a living character. He has two children and his divorced wife lives in Norway.

 

In addition, I'm purposely going to add in a Mary Sue girl who Jaden falls in love with, becomes literally the most powerful (physically) character in the show, and can summon firearms from mid-air. Her main weakness is her blatant idiocy, actually joining the Society of Light and somewhat causing the third season to even occur. She doesn't live to see the fourth season.

 

So... yeah?

Describe the hand puppet as the creepiest character. high squeaky voice, laughs at random, two huge creepy eyes, etc.

 

 

-Crow doesn't become a Signer, nor does he get Black-Winged Dragon. He's remains the "normal guy" (Joey Wheeler) throughout the series

 

Better yet, just bring back Joey Wheeler entirely.

[Premier Alexander Romanov]

What about a YGO fanfic where people vote on what the main character is like?

[Catterjune]

What about a YGO fanfic where people vote on what the main character is like?

What would that accomplish exactly? I mean, on the one hand it might be kind of funny for the protagonist to be like, a Skyrim Dragon or something stupid like that, but beyond the quick fleeting moment of laughs, I don't know if it would be all that great.

 

I think a story were people vote on everything would be much funnier. I've seen crappy little Choose Your Own Adventure topics on some other board I go to and they'd sometimes be funny. The quality of the story almost always depended on the skill of the writer though.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

What would that accomplish exactly? I mean, on the one hand it might be kind of funny for the protagonist to be like, a Skyrim Dragon or something stupid like that, but beyond the quick fleeting moment of laughs, I don't know if it would be all that great.

 

I think a story were people vote on everything would be much funnier. I've seen crappy little Choose Your Own Adventure topics on some other board I go to and they'd sometimes be funny. The quality of the story almost always depended on the skill of the writer though.

 

You mean like Snakes on a Plane? Because that was such a great movie... <_<

 

Anyway...

 

Here's the deal. People are probably aware that I'm planning a new YGO fanfic based on the hit television series 24 (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/24_%28TV_series%29). I've done a lot of planning for it over the last month and have setablished the main core of the story, a long list of characters, and pretty much all the major events for the first half of the story and some of the second half. Bought box set of Season 3 yesterday for some ideas and see how its really done and, well...

 

... now I have a problem which I want to put to you all for suggestions/thoughts.

 

My original plan was to do the story over 48 chapters, 2 each week to cover events for each hour in a sort of Tuesday - 1 plot, Friday - events happening during the same hour that get left on a cliffhanger, next Tuesday - resolve events from previous chapter, next Friday - focus elsewhere. Now I'm thinking that I should really try to do it in 24 weekly chapters. There are pro's and cons for each.

 

Doing it over 48 chapters as planned originally has made each chapter focus on one or two characters specifically while just getting glances at what everyone else is doing, which lends for giving everyone some time for exposure and growth (because unlike the TV series being almost all about Jack Bauer, there are several characters of equal billing here). But I'm worried that doing it over 48 chapters that it will lose the key things that make the TV series so popular, and losing the chronological real time aspect that is meant to be at the heart and confusing people as to whats happening in relation to what timewise.

 

Over 24 chapters I would have to write it like the actual show, switching between everyone for little periods intermitantly as they do what they do, and keeping the action high. However I'm concerned that might stunt character development if they don't have significant time dedicated to solely them for long. It might be confusing to keep switching between characters, or if there are two duels happening at the same time. Also, getting everything I have planned into half as many chapters... *nervous laugh*...

 

I know what I'm trying is extremely ambitious, but I have some really good ideas that I just can't not write down and share now. I want to make it as big and successful as possible and the best story it can be, so it is CRITICAL that this decision is got right and so that's why I'm posting this. Any help would be massively appreciated.

 

Matt