Orza Posted July 4, 2010 Report Share Posted July 4, 2010 [align=center]Please do tell me if this is just another Yugioh fan fiction. [spoiler=Chapter 1][spoiler=Page 1] Chapter 1 A Hero is born Lei gazed up at the azure skies as he walked along the duel academy grounds. The surroundings smelt of freshly cut grass and all around him you could hear nothing but bliss. A black ebony pouch was secured to the back of his shorts. Lei flicked open the pouch and pulled out a deck of cards with the finest art on them. The back of the cards had a swirling bittersweet orange design to it and on the front was all sorts of art and text, overflowing the card. These were his duel monster cards. Lei fixed his eye upon the top card, its name read “Dark Warlord – Ba-son” the art of the card was scenic through Lei’s eyes. It presented a Chinese Warlord standing tall in the night air with a Kwan Dao aligned to his left. The reason behind Lei staring at this card so intently was because today was his first day starting at duel academy. Some of the world’s best duellists had gone there before he, and Lei planned to have the same fait as they. Lei was scheduled to have a duel against one of the professors, as an entry exam. Lei stared at the ground with an ambiguous look on his face. “Lei, Lei” Lei swivelled his head to the right, to see a tall husky figure running towards him, his brother, Tai Lung. Tai had a strong athletic build. His hair was a short spiked up dusk black and he wore a Ra Yellow uniform. Tai had been at the academy for two years now. Lei’s head fell toward the ground. As he managed to pipe out “brother” “what is it Lei?” Tai replied “was the entry exam… hard?” a broad grin appeared on Tai’s robust face. Laughing he firmly placed his hand on Lei’s head. “It was no problem” Tai said. [spoiler=Page 2]The time had come Lei stood in the main arena with tens of other duel academy hopefuls. The arena was probably the most intimidating thing Lei had ever seen. The entire room was more or less a vast dome and in the centre of which was a raised rectangle shape with curved edges. Lei watched countless students get beat down by the head of the selected house until finally, “Lei Bu” Lei’s aureate eyes widened up, a cold chill went down his spine the announcer called once again “Lei Bu” Lei slowly shuffled his way up toward the arena, one step at a time. “Hello young man, my name is Dr Crowler; it is simply a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” Lei receded out of his hunched position into a slightly more relaxed one. “My name is Lei Bu; it’s nice to meet you too.” “Are you ready?” Crowler replied, with a nod of Lei’s head they drew there cards. “Student starts first” Crowler said with a menacing look on his face.“Right” Lei looked at his hand; within it rested four monster cards and one spell card. “I start by summoning my Dark Warlord Executioner”On the arena floors a tall hefty beast appeared it had a bulky axe and a Warlords uniform. - Dark Warlord Executioner - ATK: 1200- DEF: 400 “Then I lay down a face down card and end my turn” “Very well” Dr Crowler said. “My draw” Crowler drew a card out of his deck and glanced at his hand. Without taking a pause he held one of the cards high above his head, Lei was just able to make out “Ancient Gear Soldier” [/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted July 5, 2010 Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Waay too short. Cliche. Punctuation errors. Try using MS Word for a start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orza Posted July 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 ¬¬ . I used MS Word . I appreciate you think it's cliche, what Yugioh Fan Fic isn't, just please point out to me how it was so I can change it. . It's only short because it's only got the first two pages submitted. . Punctuation has been one of my faults, I'll work on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted July 5, 2010 Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Cliche. Well it's a GX ff. At least the main character wasn't late and didn't bumped into a person who gave him a card. Anyways, shouldn't Lei have six cards at the beginning? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orza Posted July 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Cliche. Well it's a GX ff. At least the main character wasn't late and didn't bumped into a person who gave him a card. Anyways' date=' shouldn't Lei have six cards at the beginning?[/quote']No idea my good man. This was an attempt at a Yugioh Fan Fic and I don't even watch or play Yugioh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted July 5, 2010 Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Cliche. Well it's a GX ff. At least the main character wasn't late and didn't bumped into a person who gave him a card. Anyways' date=' shouldn't Lei have six cards at the beginning?[/quote']No idea my good man. This was an attempt at a Yugioh Fan Fic and I don't even watch or play Yugioh. ... How are you going to make a FanFic of a show/game that you don't know much about? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orza Posted July 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Cliche. Well it's a GX ff. At least the main character wasn't late and didn't bumped into a person who gave him a card. Anyways' date=' shouldn't Lei have six cards at the beginning?[/quote']No idea my good man. This was an attempt at a Yugioh Fan Fic and I don't even watch or play Yugioh. ... How are you going to make a FanFic of a show/game that you don't know much about?Not doing it for sers. Herd of funsies? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blablafodfpå Posted July 5, 2010 Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 There are a few errors as stated above, check Yugioh-Wikia for information about the game rules.Now for the rest.. Amazing! I love how you describe the surroundings and appearances, can't wait till next chapter comes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orza Posted July 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 There are a few errors as stated above' date=' check Yugioh-Wikia for information about the game rules.Now for the rest.. Amazing! I love how you describe the surroundings and appearances, can't wait till next chapter comes.[/quote']Thanks, I look forward to you reading it. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blablafodfpå Posted July 5, 2010 Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 I've read many fan fic's but just a few has really interested me enough to continue reading, but without hesitation I believe this is one of those even though it isn't very long. So I beg you, continue to write =D. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted July 5, 2010 Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 MS Word would have pointed out most of your errors. Also, new speaker, new line. Period, comma or a mark at the end of each sentence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Merciful Idiot Posted July 6, 2010 Report Share Posted July 6, 2010 Open up your saved fanfic onto Microsoft Word and press F7. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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