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The Mushroom Kingdom

Clair

By Clair
in Clubs & Organizations

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Lonk Newbie

Lonk

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Ok. Simple enough.

 

But seriously though, thanks for taking the time to read through the mediocre chapter and saying what needs to be changed. I still need to fix the awkward writing. At least I am among my club members instead of the entire fanfic forum.

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Headmaster Monokuma Newbie

Headmaster Monokuma

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Ok. So no suggestions for the Cliche'?

 

You'll pretty much have to change that part. I understand he would be upset, but no one just says "I'll avenge you derp."

 

When they do, it's usually a bad character in a bad story/most anime.

 

Anyways, right now, your main character just isn't likable. I want him to lose. A lot. :/

 

He's overconfident even when he's being kicked out.

 

"They dare kick me out?! I shall avenge me!"

 

That's the kind of vibe I get from him.

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Lonk Newbie

Lonk

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I see your point. I just actually wanted him to start off like a brat and have him develop through the story (yes, through bruises, pain, fear and witnessing death). I did not want him to get hurt with the 3 Luxray encounter because it would lead to obvious evidence and he will want to remain in the savanna.

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Lonk Newbie

Lonk

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I see you have put the focus of your fanfic on a Natural Disaster and strained ties between the protagonist and society. I can't put it at the tip of my tongue, but something about that fanfic seems very comparable to a member here.

 

I also managed to fix up some improper wording that just seemed awkward in my chapter.

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Dark Newbie

Dark

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I see you have put the focus of your fanfic on a Natural Disaster and strained ties between the protagonist and society. I can't put it at the tip of my tongue, but something about that fanfic seems very comparable to a member here.

 

I also managed to fix up some improper wording that just seemed awkward in my chapter.

 

Well, I'm not sure what you meant by the "natural disaster" part, but you hit it head-on (apply directly to the forehead) with your second comment. Again, if you'd read Catcher in the Rye, I get my inspiration from there.

 

I'm the main character in my fiic, so maybe you're thinking of me? :3

 

When/If you post your fan-fiction, definitely drop me a link and I'll look at it. I really only do this for friends, so for all of you losers reading this, dream on. :]

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Headmaster Monokuma Newbie

Headmaster Monokuma

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Well, since it seems to be fan fiction sharing time, I guess I'll post what I've been trying to work on. It's still a rough draft and short. I think Dark may like the idea, but I doubt he'll like the execution.

 

I may not know who you are, but if you are reading this journal, pay attention. If you're in the same situation I am, it may save your life. If you aren't, it may shine some light on the past. Hobey-ho, let's go.

 

[spoiler=Entry One]

Odd things have been happening to me lately, although I guess that’s why I’m writing this in the first place. I have no memory of what happened over the last week, but looking at where I am I can guess...

 

From what I’ve found, I was riding a ship to some land, when something happened. Whatever this was, it caused the ship to either not maneuver in time, or to steer off course. Either way, the ship crashed, and now I’m hiding in this dank cave... Anyway, I was lucky enough to be able to salvage a few items from the wreck, the first three being books. One was entitled The Way to Build Everything You Will Ever Need by Mr. B. Builder, which was the first one I grabbed. I don’t see why not, since I’ll need it if I can’t find civilization. The second was called Hope for a Way Out and from what I’ve read, it’s basically a book about mining and escaping caves... Why there would be a book like this on a boat I have no idea, but I’m not complaining. The last book was the one I’m writing in right now. It was a simple journal, but I’m glad it was there. This should help me stay sane... And if anyone else winds up here, hopefully it will help them. These three books were washed up next to me, so I’m not sure if they were mine or not.

 

From there, I explored the beach where I washed up, and I was amazed at the sight. The ocean went on far past the border of the horizon, but what struck me was the giant mountain that protruded from the bottom of the ocean. The base was wide, as one would expect, but instead of tapering to a point, the mountain had taken up a hourglass shape. Even though it had to be miles away from me, I could see it with my bare eyes. This was, without a doubt, a place I would have to see closer...

 

But I had other things on my mind at the time, such as finding the ship I had to have taken to get there. I wandered the beach for maybe about an hour, then I saw it. Sticking out of the sand was a small boat, built out of planks of wood. I salvaged the planks that had survived the storm, and took a few that were pretty much just sticks now, and continued to look around. About twenty feet from the ship I found a small chest that contained about five loafs of bread and ten cooked pork-chops. All the food seemed well-preserved, so I drug the chest and the planks back to where I washed up...

 

From here, I knew I needed a shelter, although I wasn’t sure how to begin. I sat down and started to look at the book by B. Builder. On the first page was a crafting recipe that had a caption under it. It said this.

 

”If you do not build this, everything else is impossible."

 

So, naturally, following the recipe, I put four planks of wood next to each other, and they combined! Together they formed a workbench which had nine numbered squares. The squares were labeled top to bottom, left to right. I stood up and placed the workbench down. I took a glance at the ‘Tools’ section of the book, and found three things I would need for sure. A shovel, pickaxe, and an axe. I placed two stacks of three sticks in the fifth and eighth slots if the bench. In the second slot I placed a single plank of wood. I had crafted my first tool, a wooden shovel. From there, I placed a plank of wood in the first, second, and third slots, which gave me my second tool, a wooden pickaxe. Finally, I placed a plank of wood in the first, second, and fourth slots, crafting me a wooden axe...

 

The rest of the day was me digging into the hillside near where I washed up. I needed a shelter, and I needed it quick. Night would be falling soon, and I didn’t want to risk being outside. I was a stranger in this land, who knew what could happen? By the time night fell, I had dug a decent five by five room, and blocked the entrance to my new ‘home’. I’ve placed my tools aside for the night. Everything is going fine so far, but I can’t help but worry... I swear, as I lie down on the floor writing this I can here a grunting noise outside...

 

It sounds like something I’ve only heard about in stories... Out of everything I could have had the luck to remember, I can recall the sound of a calm voice telling me stories, and acting out the sounds of various creatures. Stories about things I thought couldn't exist. Sounds I thought I would never hear. Could I have been wrong? I certainly hope not.

 

 

In case you're wondering, I took the style, first person journal, from the Pendragon series. Since I've read the series I've liked the style, and I've wanted to make use of it.

 

Also, I have no clue how I should show crafting of all things. :/

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