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The Ultimate Crossover: The Fanfic [Chapter 3 added, Reviews allowed!]

Jolta

By Jolta
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Jolta Explorer

Jolta

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Forgot to bump this thing, cos' a new chapter has been added. And yes, Albedo is working for Harangue and someone's gonna write to the press...

 

Who should make his debut next? Sephiroth? Sora? Mickey Mouse? Bowser?

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Jolta Explorer

Jolta

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Chapter 4 may introduce 1 of the following...

 

Barney & Friends?

Bob the Builder?

Rosario+Vampire

The over-rated Pokemon?

Something not Bleach, Naruto or One Piece?

Soul Eater?

Full Metal Alchemist?

 

The incomplete Chapter introduces the Touhou universe... only a bit.

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Kōsuke Ueki Newbie

Kōsuke Ueki

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I don't understand the Touhou series much. So I might change my mind on the review. From one of the universes you mentioned in Chapter 1, I don't know about it at all. So yeah. I'll take back the review. Even if I go through the Wiki pages, it would require continuous research that wouldn't amount to anything. So, review's off. Sorry.

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Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

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Sorry I haven't gotten my review to you. Because of how Crab Helmet treats me' date=' I don't know what to do. If I finish and post it on my thread, I'll get more hate on me.

[/quote']I think if you became a better reviewer that might help. Though Crab isn't very tactful, she is very intelligent and tends to know exactly what she's talking about.

I don't understand the Touhou series much.

Mm. Not too easy to understand without experience' date=' no.

 

I recommend starting with [i']Imperishable Night[/i] or the fangame Concealed the Conclusion before working your way up to Mountain of Faith and Perfect Cherry Blossom. Not an easy series to understand. Mind you, if you don't like shoot-'em-ups, Immaterial and Missing Power and Scarlet Weather Rhapsody are fighting games and also great places to introduce yourself to the series.

 

Great series. Don't miss it.

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Kōsuke Ueki Newbie

Kōsuke Ueki

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Sorry I haven't gotten my review to you. Because of how Crab Helmet treats me' date=' I don't know what to do. If I finish and post it on my thread, I'll get more hate on me.

[/quote']I think if you became a better reviewer that might help. Though Crab isn't very tactful, she is very intelligent and tends to know exactly what she's talking about.

I don't understand the Touhou series much.

Mm. Not too easy to understand without experience' date=' no.

 

I recommend starting with [i']Imperishable Night[/i] or the fan game Concealed the Conclusion before working your way up to Mountain of Faith and Perfect Cherry Blossom. Not an easy series to understand. Mind you, if you don't like shoot-'em-ups, Immaterial and Missing Power and Scarlet Weather Rhapsody are fighting games and also great places to introduce yourself to the series.

 

Great series. Don't miss it.

 

You know, I've looked through Gamestop for awhile, and I never seen any games with those titles. When I can, though, I'll keep looking to find at least one.

 

@Jolta: I change my mind, again. I'll get you my review soon. I'm back baby! :-D

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六兆年と一夜物語 Newbie

六兆年と一夜物語

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Here is my attempt to give constructive criticism for Chapter Prologue.

 

 

 

It all happened in a split second when many dimensions joined as one. It started with an ordinary blackout one night, happening at the same time in different dimensions, throughout all universes. Little did anyone know, this has caused a queer phenomenon to occur – mysterious portals appearing everywhere.

 

Before or after the blackout(s)?

 

The electricity was back up again in a week, give or take a few days, but nothing could remove these Portals.

 

What about the dimensions that aren't evolved enough for electricity?

 

This was not the first time.

 

It was the second time. Give or take a few times.

 

We start off in a dimension, that may or may not be full of intergalactic war, and where aliens are known to the Earthlings. Ben Tennyson,

 

Expected from Jolta who loves Ben 10.

 

aged 16, was driving his car,

 

I don't think we need to know his age, because anyone who knows a person legally driving a car know that the age is at least 16.

 

the DX Mark 10, one morning.

 

Is the car canon?

 

It seemed like an ordinary day, which was not usual for Ben.

 

Of course. This troper reviewer has watched Ben 10, and an ordinary day in his life involves something related to aliens. Still, you should tell that to people who have no access to Cartoon Network.

 

“Something’s wrong,” Ben muttered to himself. He saw a dimensional rift up ahead of him while driving.

 

I bet that he's gonna crash drive into it.

 

Ben scratched his head. “Must be the source,” Ben said as he entered the weird object. He was no longer in Bellwood.

 

I would say "Explain what Bellwood is to the people who didn't watch Ben 10 blah blah blah", but I'm guessing the people who are smart enough/have common sense would know that Bellwood is the place where he's living. If I'm wrong, then you should have stated what "Bellwood" really is.

 

He was now in a somewhat-small town. He parked his car and went up to a passer-by. “Hello there, sir. May I know where I am?”

 

Yes, because small towns have parking lots.

 

“Errr… You don’t look like a Gaian. Anyways, welcome to Barton Town. Want a tour?” the kind gentleman asked.

 

This troper reviewer didn't know what Barton Town was. Until he looked it up on Google and found out it was a place in Gaia Online. From cartoons to social networks.

 

Ben did not accept the offer and left. He continued walking and bumped into a man with a blade of grass in his mouth and a beret-like hat.

 

If the blade of grass IS his mouth, I wouldn't be surprised.

 

“Hey there young lad. Over here,” the man said to him, “the name’s Nicholae. Could I have that thing on your wrist? It looks pretty weird.”

 

Ben: "Sure, if you want to turn into a Mary Sue."

 

“Even if I wanted to, it can’t be removed. Sorry, gotta go!”

 

Wait, wait, wait. I thought they got the omnitrix off before the start of Ben 10: Alien Force. They even stated that it took Ben's buddies/cousin a long time just to remove it. This dialogue is half true, since he couldn't remove it right there.

 

Ben ran away from Nicholae. “Weird kid,” Nicholae muttered to himself, “Lets follow him.”

 

POTENTIAL STALKER

 

While Ben walked up to the fountain in the middle of town, he saw about twenty Lawn Gnomes and about the same number of Pink Flamingoes.

 

zOMG?

 

“What would garden stuff be doing here?” Suddenly, the unanimated objects became animated, or should I say, the Animated. The army of forty attacked Ben.

 

Ben, take the ring! It's the only thing that can kill de-animate them!

 

“We’ll see how they deal with Rath…” Ben slammed down the watch on his wrist, also known as the Ultimatrix.

 

I would say "Since when did he get the Ultimatrix? He only has the Omnitrix", but I realized it must be canon, and I shouldn't argue over it.

 

Unlike double_c4.

 

ZING

 

Transformation began. Ben head morphed from human to tiger. His arms became brawnier and he grew claws. “RATH!” a stripy, orange, feline-like humanoid creature appeared at the same spot Ben was.

 

That kind of thing would be epic in TV, but it sound a bit stupid in Fan Fic. Also, what kind of sentence is “RATH!” a stripy, orange, feline-like humanoid creature appeared at the same spot Ben was? It sounds wrong. Unless you meant, "RATH!" A stripy blah blah blah.

 

The stripy creature, also known as Rath, was Ben.

 

Repetition FTW

 

Nicholae saw the whole thing. He was rather shocked and was eager to bid a high price for the watch.

 

Sure, if you can get it out. idiot.

 

Rath punched the ground, causing the Animated to become unanimated again. He noticed a mysterious looking currency they left behind. Rath, being a rather dumb alien, ate a coin.

 

Rings with flashy animations are for losers, if you want to do it the right way, just smash the ground. I would think that Rath thought the coin was chocolate.

 

“YUCK!” wailed the beast as he spat the coin out.

 

SORRY, NO CHOCOLATE HERE

 

When he did, he saw many people in metal suits around him. “Barton regulars here,” all of them said in unison.

 

Barton Regulars: "WHEN WE HUNT, WE KILL. NO ONE IS SAFE; NOTHING IS SACRED. WE ARE BARTON REGULARS! WE ARE THE LAST LINE OF DEFENSE! WE WILL BURN OUR OWN TO HOLD THE RED LINE, IT IS THE LAST LINE TO EVER HOLD."

 

“Let me tell you something, Barton Regulars! Nobody messes with RATH!” Rath shouted.

 

Except Chuck Norris.

 

“Let me tell YOU something, Animated, Commander Leon messes with any Animated,” a man wearing a bigger suit than the others appeared. He was the commander of Barton Regulars, Commander Leon.

 

It's General Cross!

 

“Sorry, Commander Leon, he’s a good guy,” a seductive sounding voice boomed. The Regulars looked behind and saw a Gaian Vampire wearing Purple, with a hat and an umbrella.

 

Vampire: "Now let me do something stereotypically seductive."

 

“Sorry Ben,” she said, “I think you have to chill out.”

 

Ben/Rath: "NO U"

 

“Let me tell you something, Zapptaur10 of the Vampires! RATH doesn’t know the meaning of Chill out! And Rath will not spare even friends!”

 

He sounds like the Blackwatch Barton Regulars.

 

Rath then growled at the Vampire, known as Zappytaur10, simply called Zappy. Even for a Vampire, she was frightened by the ferocious tiger-like being. She ran and hid behind the fountain.

 

Yes, the logical thing to do when you see a terror-striking animal in front of you is to hide behind a flimsy fountain. Perfectly logical unless you realize that there's a town right beside you.

 

“So, Ben Tennyson is here, huh? Interesting…” the Barton regulars, and Rath, turned to the north, and saw a humongous humanoid creature, about a hundred and ten feet tall.

 

Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever

 

It had a fin-like protrusion on its head and looked like one of Ben’s favourite Aliens – Way Big, with the exception of not having an Ultimatrix emblem on him, and he had cyan around him instead of red.

 

Canon Aliens: Not explaining to people since 2000.

 

His yellow eyes stared down on the Gaians. Not even Ben’s biggest alien, Way Big, or Ben’s strongest Alien, Alien X could defeat this almost-indestructable Alien.

 

Way Big is around the size of him, only limited to the Omnitrix.

Alien X requires Ben to spend a long time trying to have at least one of the judges to agree with him.

 

He was one of Ben’s enemies that most do not know about – Gargantuan. “My name is Gargantuan, and I am a Toku’star. I have come to destroy Ben Tennyson. Can anyone tell me where he is?”

 

Nicholae: "He's the animal guy thing!"

Gargantuan: "No, that animal guy thing isn't Ben Tennyson, he's Rath."

 

Gargantuan said with a humongous, evil grin on his face.

 

TrollFace.png

 

“Let me tell you something, Gargantuan! People only threaten Rath in Soviet Russia! Rath is outside Soviet Russia, Rath is VERY angry!”

 

icwutudidthar

 

Rath was extremely furious. He altered his form into Humongosaur simply by pressing down the emblem on him. A orange-coloured dinosaur alien appeared at the place the tailless tiger was.

 

Sadly, Humongosaur is not Humongous.

 

Humongosaur pressed down the emblem again, causing his to grow even more humongous, and grow spikier. “ULTIMATE HUMONGOSAUR!” a green creature which was an advanced version of the orange one appeared.

 

Sadly, Ultimate Humongosaur is not oh who am I kidding.

 

Zappy came out of hiding.

 

Only to get squashed by Ultimate Humongosaur.

 

“Hey Ben!” shouted Zappy, “remember when you grew 120 feet tall? I think you’ll be big enough…”

 

Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever x2

 

Ultimate Humongosaur grew to a maximum height of a hundred and twenty feet, a little higher than Gargantuan. Ultimate Humongosaur was blessed with superhuman strength, but Gargantuan was not, thus giving the green dinosaur an advantage.

 

Gargantuan's ass is going to be handed to him. Unless he has reinforcements.

 

“Sorry big guy, you’re going down,” Ultimate Humongosaur swung Gargantuan around like a person swinging her pet around.

 

It's like Super Mario 64, only Mario is being thrown.

 

When he released the oversized being, the blue creature flew into the air, followed by the words “I’m blasting off again!”

 

icwutudidthar

 

Ultimate Humongosaur chuckled and shouted, “don’t come back!” He then reverted back to his non-advanced orange form, then back to Ben. Ben was pretty sure that Gargantuan will return. Due to his enormous size, Gargantuan just would not die.

 

Unless he was thrown into a Black Hole.

 

Ben walked up to Zappy and said, “Sorry pal, Rath is easily threatened. Hope you forgive me…”

 

Zappy: "No."

Ben: *Turns into Rath again*

Zappy: "I MEAN YES"

 

Ben said to Zappy as they walked towards a bar. “So Ben, do you still have those extradimensional stuff?” Zappy asked.

 

More canon stuff is resurfacing.

 

Ben took out a blue-coloured phone from his pocket. “That’s pretty outdated, we don’t use those anymore. After a chat at the bar, we’ll get you a replacement.” They went to the Barton Bar, which was nearby.

 

Because they're by Barton Town. Also, I realized that nobody was watching a fight between a 100-foot monster and a 120-foot alien that was happening RIGHT OUTSIDE of Barton Town. Gaians are either

 

A: Idiots

B: People who can look up because of top-down view

C: Blind People

 

There they were, at the Barton Bar. They talked about the usual, such as the time the phenomenom

 

PHENOMENOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMN

 

that was happening in many dimensions was happening a long time ago, and they met.

 

Didn't they already do that like, um, a few minutes ago?

 

What really caught Zappy’s attention was that Ben obtained a few new aliens. “Really? What do you call them?” Zappy asked.

 

Ben: "I call them Rath and Ultimate Humongosaur!"

 

“That’s a secret…” said Ben. A second after he said that, two plumbers, one wearing red and being short and fat, the other wearing green, being tall and skinny.

 

Lario and Muigi?

 

When they sat down, the green one said, “Waitor, I would like lotsa spaghetti!”

 

icwutudidthar

Everyone glared at them, thinking that they were idiots.

 

No, they're plumbers.

 

“Mario, Luigi, heard of them,” said Zappy, “It’s a shame they do not know that Bars don’t sell spaghetti.”

 

OF COURSE

 

She walked up to both of them and said, “Sorry fellas, Bars don’t sell Speghetti. They sell wine. And Ice Cream.”

 

Zappy: "And pasta that has a lot of long lines made out of wheat with red sauce on top. We call it Spaghetti. Not Speghetti."

 

After that, Ben stood up, and he and Zappy went through a mysterious portal. Zappy stared glowing. Her body was capable of altering itself according to different dimensions. Zappy had turned into a Purple-coloured male penguin, known as Zappyozappy, simply called Zappy. “Club Penguin?” Zappy was stunned.

 

This fanfic was good until you added Club Penguin.

 

He looked around and saw a station for phoning facilities. “Now its test time,” Zappy and Ben entered the building. Ben had no idea what the test was, but he did hate tests.

 

Because he always fails tests.

 

The prologue is okay, though the prologue tells what happens BEFORE the first chapter. Unless the first chapter is a continuation, the part starting from Ben 10 should be called the first chapter, and the first chapter should be called the second, and so on and so forth.

 

There are spelling errors on the second half, especially speghetti spaghetti. I hope you get to fix them ASAP. And don't include canon unless you explain it.

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Jolta Explorer

Jolta

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Attack of the 50-foot Whatever? Boy I love that TV Trope! Its like godmodding! Metagaming!

 

"VERY angry" was used in Nostalgic Critic's comments I think.

 

"I'm VEEEEERY ANGRY!"

 

What was the show commented on again?

 

Anyways, thanks for the comment. It was rather positive but extremely sensible.

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