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The Time and Place (CHAPTER 4 IS UP)

Cthonian

By Cthonian
in Creative Writing

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Cthonian Newbie

Cthonian

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Here's my FanFic of looking at things from a different point of view. Although the world does need saving, it's not from who our heroes think it is. In the past I have written "Pacific Academy" while helping Master52394 with "The Future Is Now".

 

[spoiler=Bios]

Name-Age-Favorite Card

Brian-16-Coffin Seller

Kevin-16-Lava Golem

Dylan-10-Goblin King

Chadd-14- Elemental Hero Shining Phoenix Enforcer

Janet-40-Blue Eyes White Dragon

Frank-50-Cyber End Dragon

Levi-9-Black Luster Soldier

Brittany-14-Harpie's Pet Dragon

 

 

Chapter 1 is short, but they do get longer

[spoiler=Chapter1]

After Jaden Yuki graduated from Duel Academy, that's all me and my friends wanted to attend. The school became known because of the duelist that wins with Elemental Heroes. His deck had such simplicity in his deck that it worked perfectly... I'm Brian by the way.

 

Incase you were wondering, I'm telling the story from the entrance exams of Duel Academy 2010. Me and my friends, we've known each other since we were in diapers. We all have connections with each others and bonds that can never be broken. As time progressed, we all started playing a game called duel monsters. At such young ages, we progressed until we all hit pro. Kevin and I are like brothers and we were the best tag team duo the world had ever seen. That was, until the day came that put an end to that.

 

Kevin and I were destroying another pair of duelists when we both collapsed. And for some strange reason, the best doctors in the world couldn't figure out what was wrong with us and discharged us perfectly healthy. And every one of our friends have gone through that same state of mystery. After that loss, the 6 of us dropped off the face of the earth... never leaving the house for anything. We all have dangerously high Iq's and we all run a family corporation with our parents. The ones with legal say are Frank and Janet, the ones we would trust our lives with.

 

Speeding up to the present, we took an oath to study under the greatest minds of Duel Academy hoping to reach for the stars obtaining number one status and gain access to the pro league to regain our titles that we lost because of our accidents. But one week before the dueling exams, we got a letter saying that if we enrolled that there would be hell to pay. And being that we run a multi-million dollar company, we get threats like this all the time and disregarded it. To keep an eye on us, Frank and Janet enrolled as assistant teachers.

 

That brings us to now, and the six of us sat waiting for our turn to duel a proctor... for our shot. And that's when the voice said "Would Levi please report to duel field 2 for your duel examination". The gloves are off and the fun's about to commence.

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 2]

Levi's protor introduced himself as Brandon. And to tell you the truth, there was nothing special about him. He wore average clothes and wore a pair of glasses. There was no real way of profiling the kind of cards that he would use against Levi.

 

"Levi, if you are ready, then let your exam begin," said Brandon.

 

"Very well, I begin by summoning Samsara Kaiser in defense mode (200/100). NExt I'll equip him with the Mist Body equip spell. This card prevents him from being destroyed in battle. To end my turn, I'll lay this card facedown for later," said Levi with such confidence.

 

"Not bad for a first turn," said Brandon with no tone in his voice. "As for me, I place 2 cards facedown on the field and activate the spell card Level Limit Area-B. Now all level 4 or higher monsters on the field are forced into defense mode. That ends my turn,"

 

"I draw," said Levi. "Now I activate Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy your Level Limit card."

 

"Almost, but almost only counts in horseshoes and hand gernades," said Brandon. "But now I reveal my Magic Jammer. By tossing one card into the graveyard, I can deactivate your spell card."

 

"Well, that didn't work out, but I got rid of your facedown card. Time to summon out Jerry Beans Man in attack mode (1750/0)," said Levi. "And seeing as how he's a level three monster, I can bypass through and attack your life points directly. Go, Jelly Bean Barrage."

 

The mini monster thrusted his sword and jelly beans flew everywhere and the proctors life point counter dropped by 1750 (4000/2250).

 

"I end my turn," said Levi.

 

"Time for my comeback. I draw," Brandon said. "I reveal the trap card Level Limit Area-A. Now all your level three or lower monsters must stay in attack mode. Next I use Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy my first Level Limit card. Prepare yourself for my Vorse Raider in attack mode (1900/1200). I now move in for the assault with my Vorse Raider. And since your Samsara Kaiser is forced into attack mode, he'll remain for many more rounds and my beast can attack, reducing your life points. But let's work on this round, ATTACK."

 

The beast sliced Levi's monster and if it wasn't for his equip spell, he would have been destroyed. However, Levi still takes battle damage (2300/2250)

 

"That concludes my turn," said Brandon exhausted.

 

"I may have taken battle damage, but thanks to you, this duel is over. First I'll draw a card," said Levi with a smile on his face. "I activate the mystical, all powerful Black Luster Ritual. Now I sacrifice the two monsters on the field as well as this level 4 monster in my hand to make 9. And seeing as how I only need 8 to summon my mighty beast, I think it qualifies. Now I'd like to introduce my favorite card, the mighty Black Luster Soldier (3000/2500). And if you would look at my hand, you will see that I have one card left. And it's time to activate that very card, go Ritual Weapon. This card increases the attack of one ritual monster on the field by 1500 and guess who I choose (4500). It's time to end this duel, go Black Luster Slash."

 

And with that, the glowing monster raised his weapon and slayed Vorse Raider and destroying the rest of Brandon's life points (2300/0).

The holograms disappeared and their duel disks were deactivated.

 

"Levi, that was amazing," said Brandon. "Allow me to be the first to welcome you into Ra Yellow. If you would, please send Dylan in once you pack your things."

 

Levi was disapointed that he didn't get Obelisk Blue, but what he doesn't realize is that Obelisk Blue is for the most elite and Levi did lose almost half of his life points. But, now it was Dylan's turn and boy was he fired up. This would be his first duel being watched by people other then our Butlers.

 

Dylan's opponent was none other than Chazz Princeton. Once he graduated from the academy, he wanted to ensure that no slackers would get into the school... and when Chazz says something, he takes it personal.

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 3]

"Alright slacker, if you're ready, let's begin this duel," said Chazz.

 

"Sounds good to me," said Dylan.

 

Both duelists turned on their duel disks and drew their first five cards as their life point counters went up to 4000. I knew that both duelists would give it everything they had to win this duel.

 

"Allow me to begin with Cthonian Soldier in attack mode (1200/1400)," said Chazz. "That ends my turn. Let's see if you've got what it takes to enter the academy."

 

"I've got more than enough skill to make it in," said Dylan trying to be all cool about it. "And it all starts with this card, Giant Orc, in attack mode (2200/0). Now I'll attack your beast with Bone Club Thrust. Looks like you lose 1000 life points."

 

As soon as Dylan was done with that sentence, the infernal warriors sword was thrown back at him, but luckily his duel disk took the blow, dealing him 1000 points of damage also (3000/3000).

 

"Why did lose life points too?" asked Dylan

 

Chazz just stood there with a smile on his face.

 

"When my warrior is destroyed and I lose life points, you lose the same amount of life points," said Chazz. "And since it's the end of your battle phase, your Giant Orc switches to defense mode."

 

"No matter," said Dylan. "I lay this card face down to end my turn."

 

"So far, I'm not impressed," said Chazz. "I summon another Cthonian Soldier (1200/1400). This time he's gonna destroy your Orc, go Wind Blade Thrust."

 

Dylan was starting to lose his cool. But like the rest of us, he knows how to play a duelist.

 

"Thank you," said Dylan. "You activated the trap card Magic Cylinder. This time your monster is going to strike you without striking me back. You lose life points equal to your monsters attack points (3000/1800)."

 

"Not bad applicant," said Chazz. "But I'm not about to roll over and die just yet. I place a face down and end my turn."

 

"I'm up," said Dylan with a brand new attitude. "Get ready to get knocked down. I activate my Double Summon Spell card so I can summon two monsters this round. Please welcome two copies of Goblin King in attack mode (0/0)*2. For every fiend type monster other then themselves, they gain 1000 attack points (2000/0)*2. Next I switch my Giant Orc into attack mode. Now I attack with Goblin King."

 

"Attack me all you want, but you're going to take the same amount of battle damage as me (2200/1000)," said Chazz.

 

"I think I'll take you up on that offer and attack you with my second Goblin King directly," said Dylan.

 

"Reveal the trap card Call of the Haunted," said Chazz. "Now I can special summon one monster in my graveyard in attack mode. Rise again Infernal Warrior (1200/1400). You'll have to attack him before you attack me."

 

"Fine by me, you're only delaying your destruction," said Dylan. "I attack with Giant Orc. Looks as though I win this duel (1200/0)."

 

Giant Orc destroyed Chazz's monster and the rest of his life points. Even though he lost the duel, Chazz never lost his smile. I think he saw something in Dylan that not a lot of other people see.

 

"Well, even though your test scores were high, you did only have 1200 life points when we stopped, so I will enter you into the Ra Yellow Dorm," said Chazz. "And please tell Brian to take his exam next."

 

Dylan came out and we congratulated him for a minute. After that brief moment it was back to business. I grabbed my deck and duel disk and loaded up. My friends wished me good luck and I was all set. See, what people don't know about me is that I'm the type of person that likes to sit back and relax while watching other people struggle with their problems. And that reflects on my dueling style. By the time my opponents know what happened, they've already lost.

 

My opponent entered and like Dylan's opponent, he was known by the people who went to the academy. He's just a little someone known by Dr. Vellian Crowler. And for those who don't know me, you would think that I was a little quiet, polite, teenager. But give me my deck and duel disk and my inner child is let loose. Time for the real fun to begin.

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 4]

"Well... Brian, are you ready for your Duel Academy Duelist Qualifications Exam?" asked Dr. Crowler trying to use big words. "After all, this is what seperates the big boys from the puny public school wanna be's."

 

"I'm ready Dr., so let's get this over with," I replied with a smile.

 

"I assure you, once you have a look at the cards in my deck, you won't be smiling for long," replied Dr. Crowler. "You may have the first move Brian."

 

"that is your first of many mistakes in this duel," I replied

 

"Guys, I know that you haven't seen me or Brian duel," said Kevin. "So I want you guys to pay close attention."

 

"I begin with a defense monster and placing two cards facedown," I said. "Lastly, I activate the spell card Gravekeeper's Servant. With this card, as long as you want to attack, you must send the top card of your deck to the graveyard for each attack."

 

"Not bad, but a little boring," said Crowler. "I summon my Ancient Gear Knight in attack mode (ATK:1800)."

 

"Reveal my two Coffin Seller trap cards," I replied with a smile. "Now, for every monster that goes to your graveyard, you lose 600 life points. You may proceed, but watch your step."

 

"Look at you, it's the first turn and you already think you have this won," said Crowler. "But you're not the only one with a couple of good combos. I attack your monster with my Knight."

 

"Now my spell activates, forcing you to send the top card of your deck to the graveyard," I had told him. "And looking for the image of that card, it was Ancient Gear, a monster card. And now the effects of my two trap cards make it so you lose 600 life points (4000/3400). As for the results of your attack, you attacked my Stone Statue of the Aztecs (300/2000). And when this card inflicts battle damage, the damage is doubled (4000/3000)."

 

"I end my turn," said a cold and silent Dr. Crowler.

 

"I summon yet another monster in defense mode," I had said. "To end my turn, I activate yet another Gravekeeper's Servant."

 

"You're not getting away with it twice," said Crowler. "Attack my Ancient Gear Knight."

 

"You should have learned from the last time you attacked that there are surprises under every rock," I grinned. "But you also forgot about by Servant tossing the top two cards of your deck. And once again they're both monsters meaning you lose 1200 life points (4000/1800). As for your attack, you flipped over my Needle Worn (750/500). And when this card is flip summoned, you lose the top 5 cards of your deck. And if just three of those cards are monsters, you lose this duel."

 

I didn't have to look behind me to know that the others were amazed at how fast this duel was going. I didn't even lose a single life point while Crowler was about to lose the duel. Although I could feel Kevin having a smile on his face because he hasn't seen me this way in a long time. However, while I was dueling, I did feel another force in the room. I couldn't tell where it was coming from, but it was definitely there. Then Crowler flipped over the top 5 cards: 2 monsters and 3 trap cards. He was safe (4000/600)

 

"Looks as though I'm safe for this round. I end my turn with a facedown," he said with a nervous tone in his voice.

 

"Time to end this. I summon Vorse Raider in attack mode (1900/1200). I attack your Ancient Gear Knight," I had said.

 

His monster was destroyed reducing his life points to 500. But then the effect of both of my Coffin Seller trap cards kicked in. That dropped his score to zero, ending the game. He couldn't believe it and the color of his face went to stone cold white. Other proctors had to come in and take him out. The last of the proctors to leave told me it was Chadd

 

I went up to my friends and they congratulated me and the six of us were all being watched. We were used to it and it didn't bother us. Chadd loaded up his deck into his duel disk and it was his time to shine.

 

 

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Des ＨＥＲＯ Newbie

Des ＨＥＲＯ

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Ok, I should warn you that Crab Helmet might have saw an mistake somewhere in the 1st Chapter. But I don't see anything wrong with the 1st chapter, in my opinion it's a good one that gives a fresh Conclusion of what happened before.

 

Crab Helmet would normally review the 1st Chapter, then normaly goes away...I wonder about that sometimes. Anyway, all I can say is, Good Luck.

 

 

Edit: Chapter 4 amazing, I didn't think it was possible to destroy Crowler that quick without losing Life Points.

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CrabHelmet Newbie

CrabHelmet

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Once upon a time, a man named Theodore Sturgeon observed that ninety percent of everything is trash. Nowhere is this more evident than in the world of Fan Fiction, where the majority of works are garbage, riddled with endless clichés, plot holes, and character derailments and totally lacking in any redeeming qualities.

 

The remaining ten percent, however, is to die for, and occasionally there arises a tale that transcends the standard fare. These masterpieces rival or even surpass the original work itself in terms of quality. They feature original, clever, epic plots, with rounded and dynamic characters populating a well-developed world. The dialogue is realistic and enjoyable to read; when exposition is necessary, it is introduced at a sensible pace and keeps the reader immersed; the characters remain sensibly true to their canon characterizations and are not forced to act like idiots to develop the plot; and the overall experience is something that leaves the reader feeling simultaneously satisfied and hungry for more. And it goes without saying that these brilliant works are heavily proofread to ensure the eradication of any errors.

 

This is not one of those stories.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

Author's notes are always fun, so let's check those out.

 

Here's my FanFic of looking at things from a different point of view. Although the world does need saving, it's not from who our heroes think it is.

 

Plot twists are generally more effective when you don't announce them in advance like that. >_>

 

Next up is a Chapter Bios, which I would normally skip, but in this case I'll reproduce it in full:

 

Name-Age-Favorite Card

Brian-16-Coffin Seller

Kevin-16-Lava Golem

Dylan-10-Goblin King

Chadd-14- Elemental Hero Shining Phoenix Enforcer

Janet-40-Blue Eyes White Dragon

Frank-50-Cyber End Dragon

Levi-9-Black Luster Soldier

Brittany-14-Harpie's Pet Dragon

 

No, seriously. Not only is there a Chapter Bios, but the bios consist of nothing more than name first name, age, and favourite card. And half the favourite cards are recycled from deck headliners in the anime.

 

On one hand, I'm glad you're not going the usual Chapter Bios method of handing us an encyclopedia on each character that we're supposed to read before starting the story, but on the other hand, this is so absurdly bare-bones that there is no need whatsoever for it to even exist. Especially since all the information in it would be obvious when it became relevant in the story, and it's all completely forgettable when presented in this format.

 

Chapter1

 

We haven't even started the first chapter yet and there's already a critical proofreading failure. This isn't Chapter 1; it's Chapter1. The space has been omitted. Come on, people, why on earth do you insist on posting these things for the entire world to see without taking any time at all to read what you wrote and ensure that you didn't make yourself look like a colossal moron? (And no, it's not a deliberate stylistic choice; the other chapters' titles have the space where it's supposed to be.)

 

After Jaden Yuki graduated from Duel Academy, that's all me and my friends wanted to attend.

 

I've found a plot hole. The protagonists are all Jaden fanboys, but Chapter Bios never mentioned any seven-year-olds.

 

The school became known because of the duelist that wins with Elemental Heroes.

 

But he was invincible before he came to Duel Academy. And he learned nothing there. And he didn't even pay attention in class there. He just sat around and dueled to save the world a bit. Why should Duel Academy get all the credit?

 

His deck had such simplicity in his deck

 

This lack of proofreading has such simplicity in this lack of proofreading.

 

Seriously, people, this isn't that complicated. You know that thing you expect people to do to your story once you post it? That thing called "reading"? Well, why is it so difficult for you people to do it to your own stories before posting them? Do even you think your stories are so boring and terrible that even you yourselves wouldn't want to read them?

 

that it worked perfectly... I'm Brian by the way.

 

And the first paragraph ends there. Does this introduction of Brian's name look awkward to anyone else? It's an abrupt change of topic that comes out of nowhere, breaks the flow, and feels like it was shoehorned in because the author was incapable of coming up with a better way to introduce the protagonist.

 

Anyhow, since I read Chapter Bios and remember all of it perfectly, I know that Brian is 16 and his favourite card is Coffin Seller. Except I remembered none of it and just scrolled back up to look it up because nobody is going to bother memorizing a list of names, numbers, and cards thrown together without the slightest bit of context.

 

Incase

 

Incaseoffiredeletespaces

 

you were wondering, I'm telling the story from the entrance exams of Duel Academy 2010. Me and my friends, we've known each other since we were in diapers.

 

Was there originally a paragraph between these two sentences that made the transfer from one thought to the other seem even remotely sensible? I get the feeling that our protagonist Brian has ADD/ADHD/whatever and gets distracted by new and unrelated topics after each sentence he writes, resulting in this absurdly choppy writing.

 

We all have connections with each others and bonds that can never be broken.

 

Brian: "Our bonds are so strong that I'm not even going to tell you anything about my friends, but trust me, we have bonds. Maybe I'll mention one of my friends later if I think of it, but OOH SHINY CARD GAMES"

 

As time progressed, we all started playing a game called duel monsters. At such young ages, we progressed until we all hit pro.

 

Young teenagers don't normally become pro in the Yugiverse, but apparently our heroes are the most specialest special duelists who blah blah blah the author gave the protagonists unrealistically high skill levels.

 

Kevin and I are like brothers and we were the best tag team duo the world had ever seen.

 

Brian: "See, I mentioned one single friend of mine, and I said he was a really close friend and partner! Can't you taste the deep friendly friendship that surrounds my entire circle of lifelong friends and has lead to us all becoming so close in so many offscreen ways?"

 

Look, if you want to talk about friendship, you actually have to show some friendship. You can't just have the first-person narrator assure us that he has lots of the best friends ever and then say nothing more on the subject. And no, naming one of the protagonist's friends and assuring us that they're great friends (and also they play card games together) doesn't count.

 

That was, until the day came that put an end to that.

 

I can only assume that Kevin found out that Brian wrote this and dissolved all ties with him immediately.

 

Kevin and I were destroying another pair of duelists when we both collapsed. And for some strange reason, the best doctors in the world couldn't figure out what was wrong with us and discharged us perfectly healthy.

 

I don't remember it too quickly because I stopped watching fairly quickly, but isn't this exactly what happened in 5D's to Rua and Ruka? And in GX when they had those energy-draining wristbands? And in GX again in the flashbacks when Yubel was with young!Judai? And in the original Duel Monsters series after all the Shadow Games? People mysteriously fainting during duels isn't exactly an original plotline, you know.

 

And every one of our friends have gone through that same state of mystery. After that loss, the 6 of us

 

Brian claims to have five friends with whom he is incredibly close. He refuses to tell us anything at all about them beyond Kevin's name. It's like this story is going out of its way to avoid telling itself.

 

dropped off the face of the earth... never leaving the house for anything.

 

It's obviously that diabolical NHK with its devious plots to make everyone become a hikikomori!

 

We all have dangerously high Iq's

 

We all have dangerously high whats? What is an "Iq"? Is it a typo for "Is"? You won't get far not saying "Is". Is it-

 

Oh, no.

 

You did not just screw up "IQ", did you?

 

You know, IQ, which is two letters long, and which was here screwed up in a way that would be painfully obvious to anyone who, unlike its author, actually read this? You know, IQ, which, when "dangerously high", is supposed to denote absurdly high intelligence, and which the author is conferring upon the entire protagonist cast - that sound you just heard was your head hitting your desk - and which the author has not displayed to himself possess in this epic failure?

 

and we all run a family corporation with our parents. The ones with legal say are Frank and Janet, the ones we would trust our lives with.

 

what

 

what

 

WHAT

 

I'm going to need to recap for a moment so that I can properly explain just how nonsensical this whole mess is.

 

We begin with what the narrator insists are a ring of six lifelong friends, though we never see any of their friendship and are denied even the names of two-thirds of the ring. The six all have dangerously high IQ's, which means they're not only smart but also so unspeakably smart as to be dangerous somehow to someone in some unspecified manner. The six also are dueling prodigies who all became professional duelists at an extremely unusually young age. They also all knew each other when they were still in diapers, so they didn't congregate over common interests and abilities - these childhood friends all just happened to have exactly the same set of skills that would lead to cries of "Mary Sue" when granted to even a single lone protagonist, let alone six.

 

In other words, these six have literally no characteristics whatsoever beyond being made ridiculously overpowered by the author. That's more than mere "not good writing"; that's about as bad as writing can normally get. My only wish is that these six will realize that the universe cannot contain this many stupidly broken characters, so they'll decide that there can be only one and slay each other. And then the last one standing will die of a stupidity overdose from watching Highlander 2: The Quickening.

 

But here, the stupidity goes beyond being an absurd team of Sues and descends into flat-out nonsense.

 

Remember that these six are explicitly stated to be childhood friends - NOT brothers. Despite this, all six of them are in a single family corporation with "our parents". What. Is this supposed to be all six families working together in a single corporation? Here's a pro-tip: a family corporation is run by a family, not by a whole bunch of people from a bunch of different families. That's just a regular corporation. This shouldn't be that difficult to figure out; it's right there in the name: family corporation.

 

Now it gets even worse. Apparently, only two of the parents involved in this family corporation have any legal power. They're also the ones that Brian says "we" would trust "our" lives with. Apparently, all six of these alleged-friends would trust Frank and Janet - with whom Brian, despite being a teenager and a generation younger and a friend of their children, is apparently on a first-name basis - with their lives rather than their own parents. What. And why on earth do only two of the partners have any power at all, besides the meta reason of the author wanting to single them out?

 

Oh, and finally, the story continues its pattern of refusing to even tell itself by not giving any information about what sort of corporation it is, besides the lie that it's a "family" corporation. Wait a minute - if it's not really a traditional family corporation and what the corporation does isn't stated elsewhere, maybe the word "family" isn't being used to refer to a standard family corporation. Maybe it refers to a corporation that sells families on the black market! Frank and Janet are the bosses of this mafia!

 

The sad thing is that my mad theory makes more sense than this idiotic story does.

 

Speeding up to the present, we took an oath to study under the greatest minds of Duel Academy hoping to reach for the stars obtaining number one status and gain access to the pro league to regain our titles that we lost because of our accidents.

 

These professional leagues don't have any way of responding to players being too sick to play than to completely eliminate them from the league and strip them of all their titles. Meanwhile, the super-genius protagonists decide that the only way to return to where they were before they were forced out of one measly duel is to gain access to a school whose teachers aren't as smart as they are and to study there for three years. The family corporation thing almost seems logical by comparison.

 

But one week before the dueling exams, we got a letter saying that if we enrolled that there would be hell to pay. And being that we run a multi-million dollar company, we get threats like this all the time and disregarded it.

 

That's right. This "family corporation" is so huge in its unspecified business that it regularly attracts anonymous death threats. It seems clear to me that Frank and Janet being mafia bosses is the only reasonable explanation. Except, no, even that's stupid.

 

Can you go for one measly sentence without making me want to lobotomize myself?

 

To keep an eye on us, Frank and Janet enrolled as assistant teachers.

 

Apparently not. Now we have the mafia dons only members of the Unspecified-Business Family Megacorp with any actual legal power abandoning their duties as Chief Executive Don and Senior Vice Thug to become assistant teachers, presumably acquiring said positions by threatening to put a hit out on the Duel Academy staff otherwise. And they do this to "keep an eye on" super-geniuses who have already become professionals in their field of expertise. And it's not even clear what they're supposed to be doing while keeping an eye on them. If the six faint again, what are Frank and Janet going to do? If an assassin shows up with a sniper rifle to kill Brian and end this story - no doubt the assassin was hired by me - as the threatening note vaguely warned might happen, then what are Frank and Janet going to do, grade papers?

 

That brings us to now, and the six of us sat

 

This is now! The present! Right this moment! Happening as Brian speaks! And it's, uh, told in the past tense.

 

Let me put it this way, Cthonian - you do not have a dangerously high Iq.

 

waiting for our turn to duel a proctor... for our shot. And that's when the voice said "Would Levi please report to duel field 2 for your duel examination". The gloves are off and the fun's about to commence.

 

The suspense is killing me. Will the professional genius duelist prodigy be able to pass a high school dueling entrance examination? Well, yes, of course he will. After you've set these six up as the most overpowered duelists in history, you can't then turn around and act like it's a huge challenge when they face the standard entrance exam.

 

Chapter 1 Chapter1 is over, but I suppose I'll go on to Chapter 2.

 

Chapter 2

Levi's protor

 

Nope, that's it. I'm done. If you're so terrible at writing and proofreading that the very second word of this chapter is going to be a blatant spelling error that would have been caught if you'd taken five seconds to run this story through MSWord's spellchecker, then you don't even deserve to have me insult your lousy story any further. And that's pathetic.

 

You've managed to combine the most blatant generic Mary Sues you possibly could with an absurd plot in which every sentence is riddled with another two plot holes that act as jackhammers to my skull. This is painful to read for anyone with half a brain; only those with dangerously low Iq's can safely read it without suffering mental anguish.

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Des ＨＥＲＯ Newbie

Des ＨＥＲＯ

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Seriously Crab Helmet, do you disagree with everyone, first by making up questions that were already answered. Then by claiming that people have low IQ, well Crab with how your acting I guess yours is under 70, if you understood what I just called you then lets wait...Crab I could imagine you insulting the Best Fan Fiction since you have a bad tastes of Fan Fics. Now you look at the Characters how pathetic Crab Helmet, now I have something against your Fan Fiction Review called "Foe Fiction". Ok now im done with replying.

 

I've Quadriple checked the 1st Chapter and still I have seen no mistake. However, there might be a slight mistake in Chapter 2.

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Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

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And I realize that... not to say that I'm perfect.... but you act like the this is the Writer's Association of America when it's really people that just like writing fiction stories about their favorite shows.

As Crab often says' date='

 

what

 

what

 

[b']WHAT[/b]

 

There is NEVER an excuse for poor work. EVER. Do you honestly mean to say you can't even be bothered to write your work in coherent English? Grammatically, my nine-year-old sister does better work than this on a daily basis!

 

And it's not hard, either. See that word "grammatically?" I had a brain fart and forgot how it was spelled, so I used — horror of horrors — the spell-checker built into YCM to check and see if it was right! This means I'm putting more effort into my reply than you were into your story! To say nothing of the effort I put into my own story on YCM — a mere experiment, spurred by an instantaneous whim, certainly nothing professional — spending days trying to revise it into something that engaged the reader. It didn't work, but at least I tried. At the very least, I managed to write it in proper English — it's not hard; even YCM itself has a spell-checker!

 

Writing is a lot of fun; I intend to do it for a living, and to me, that means a hell of a lot of work revising and editing. It's really an art form, trying to mold words into exactly the right combinations to craft the story lurking in your mind. It's not impossible to write for fun, and as aforementioned, I do — the link in my signature leads to a work I made up in the space of about thirty seconds because I read one too many Foe Fictions and watched one too many episodes of Yu-Gi-Oh! GX, and I'm really only writing it for fun, but it doesn't stop me from at least putting in the effort required to have it spelled right!

 

My main problem is that you seem to think there's a reason to excuse yourself of Crab's spot-on critiques. There is not. There is no excuse for poor work, whether professionally or otherwise. If I read a story online, I hold it to the same standards as any novel I read, and I know I don't just speak for myself. Deal with it and put some effort into your work.

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Cthonian Newbie

Cthonian

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You know... I truely don't understand you. Normally, when a writer writes, they get a thilled feeling. But all you seem to do is moan and critique others. Nobody can be expected to perfect every grammatic technique/rule... but we're getting off topic and I'm asking you nicely not to post unless it's about this fanfic.

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Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

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Posted

You know... I truely don't understand you.

Hm' date=' most people don't. I'm guessing you mean "I'm going to disregard this critique here," though, and I must take issue with that.[/b']

 

Normally, when a writer writes, they get a thrilled feeling. But all you seem to do is moan and critique others.

Again, I must say:

 

what

 

what

 

WHAT

 

Did you even read that thing?! That was my whole damn point, and I devoted a whole paragraph to it:

Writing is a lot of fun; I intend to do it for a living' date=' and to me, that means a hell of a lot of work revising and editing. It's really an art form, trying to mold words into exactly the right combinations to craft the story lurking in your mind. It's not impossible to write for fun, and as aforementioned, I do — the link in my signature leads to a work I made up in the space of about thirty seconds because I read one too many Foe Fictions and watched one too many episodes of Yu-Gi-Oh! GX, and I'm really only writing it for fun, but it doesn't stop me from at least putting in the effort required to have it spelled right!

[/quote']

tl;dr, since you, who actually has reviewers, apparently can't be bothered to read the reviews you get: Writing is a lot of fun, but even writing for fun has standards, and those who can't accept that really shouldn't publish their works. Hell, the revising and editing is half the fun — not that you'd know that, by the looks of this.

Nobody can be expected to perfect every grammatic technique/rule...

Again, did you even read that little critique there? I never said you had to; actually, what I said was...

And it's not hard' date=' either. See that word "grammatically?" I had a brain fart and forgot how it was spelled, so I used — horror of horrors — the spell-checker built into YCM to check and see if it was right! This means I'm putting more effort into my reply than you were into your story!

[/quote']

If you'd absorbed a word of that, you wouldn't have said "grammatic," either; it's "grammatical," and YCM will, as aforementioned, tell you that! YCM HAS A SPELL CHECKER! It takes about two seconds to fix it. No one's expecting perfection; we're expecting you to spend more than five minutes writing a chapter of your own story.

 

but we're getting off topic and I'm asking you nicely not to post unless it's about this fanfic.

I actually was talking about this fanfic:

Grammatically' date=' my nine-year-old sister does better work than this on a daily basis![/quote']

I'm putting more effort into my reply than you were into your story! To say nothing of the effort I put into my own story on YCM — a mere experiment' date=' spurred by an instantaneous whim, certainly nothing professional — spending days trying to revise it into something that engaged the reader. It didn't work, but at least I tried. At the very least, I managed to write it in proper English — it's not hard; even YCM itself has a spell-checker![/quote']

...put some effort into your work.

But if you want a proper critique and Crab somehow doesn't satisfy you' date=' I'll be glad to give you it. I'll probably become a better writer myself for doing it.[/b']

[spoiler=In the not-too-distant future...]

For those who don't know, the concept of the Mystery Science Ripoff 3897 (not 3892, actually; that has a plot with Lucky Star characters) is to use an author's own characters against them. Characters from the same verse as the fic MyST it, but they have to be kept in character, so it requires a great deal of skill on the part of the reviewer to work effectively. I have no idea whether I can make this work effectively, so wish me luck.

 

Today's cast consists of people who really do have dangerously high Iqs: Seto Kaiba, Ryo Marufuji, and Yusei Fudo. Prepare for bluntness and melodrama. Although, there's also what I think, if I do say so myself, is a Crowning Moment of Awesome in there as Yusei goes into hero-mode and the other two go into badass-spectator-mode...

 

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Levi's protor

Seto: What is this? We're two words into the chapter and we already have a misspelling.

Yusei: What's a protor supposed to be, anyway? It could be a proctor, a prototype, a professional, a proton...

Seto: The idea is that he hit the wrong button on the keyboard.

Yusei: After "Barack Osama," I'm not taking any chances.

 

introduced himself as Brandon.

Kaiba: Looking at the context, I'd guess it's a proctor.

 

And to tell you the truth, there was nothing special about him. He wore average clothes

Ryo: As opposed to the special proctor's uniform? I took that test; I'd know.

 

and wore a pair of glasses.

Ryo: Underneath a proctor's helmet? Some glasses.

 

There was no real way of profiling the kind of cards that he would use against Levi.

 

"Levi, if you are ready, then let your exam begin," said Brandon.

Kaiba: So exciting! I'm on the edge of my seat!

Yusei: If this is how you plan to write, you'll never get readers. You can at least change the spacing around or use a more dynamic verb.

 

"Very well, I begin by summoning Samsara Kaiser

Yusei: Wait, what? Did the Duel even start yet?

Kaiba: Hey. My technology is designed so no one has any question when a Duel begins. There's a ceremony to it, and skipping over it is insufficient.

 

in defense mode (200/100). NExt I'll equip him with the Mist Body equip spell. This card prevents him from being destroyed in battle. To end my turn, I'll lay this card facedown for later," said Levi with such confidence.

Ryo: Such confidence that...?

Yusei: Hey. Space it up some.

Kaiba: What the—? I had my workers spend weeks developing custom battle animations for each individual monster in the whole game! I personally spent hours designing some, along with a board of some of the world's most elite designers! Give us some credit here!

Ryo: I doubt they're using hologram projectors. There's been no mention of them thus far.

Yusei: But no one mentioned an arena, either...

 

"Not bad for a first turn," said Brandon with no tone in his voice. "As for me, I place 2 cards facedown on the field

Ryo: "Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." It's advice that's been around since 1918.

Kaiba: ...in fewer words, where else would he put them?

and activate the spell card Level Limit Area-B. Now all level 4 or higher monsters on the field are forced into defense mode. That ends my turn,"

 

"I draw," said Levi. "Now I activate Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy your Level Limit card."

 

"Almost, but almost only counts in horseshoes and hand gernades,"

Kaiba: I've seen everything from Dungeon Dice Monsters to Duel Masters, and that's the most idiotic Duel Monsters ripoff I've ever heard of.

Ryo: More importantly, is it a ripoff of Duel Monsters or Dungeons and Dragons?

 

said Brandon. "But now I reveal my Magic Jammer. By tossing one card into the graveyard, I can deactivate your spell card."

 

"Well, that didn't work out, but I got rid of your facedown card.

Yusei: Yes, and you sacrificed an incredibly powerful card in order to do it. More importantly, he still has one more face-down.

 

Time to summon out Jerry Beans Man in attack mode (1750/0)," said Levi.

 

"And seeing as how he's a level three monster, I can bypass through and attack your life points directly.

Yuse: "Bypass" is a transitive verb.

 

Go, Jelly Bean Barrage."

Ryo: Does this guy care at all? Even I wind up shouting if I bother calling the monsters' attacks.

 

The mini monster thrusted his sword and jelly beans flew everywhere and the proctors life point counter dropped by 1750 (4000/2250).

Ryo: "His speech was like a tangled chain; nothing impaired, but all disordered."

Kaiba: ...or, in less words, that sentence sounded like a four-year-old.

Yusei: I guess it was "proctors" after all.

 

"I end my turn," said Levi.

 

"Time for my comeback. I draw," Brandon said. "I reveal the trap card Level Limit Area-A.

Kaiba: Okay, even if they aren't using my hologram technology for some reason, they could at least give us some dramatic card-flipping. Even Pegasus's archaic arenas could get pretty energetic during high-stakes Duels like this.

 

Now all your level three or lower monsters must stay in attack mode. Next I use Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy my first Level Limit card.

Kaiba: You fools. You cannot grasp the power of the Mystical Space Typhoon!

 

Prepare yourself for my Vorse Raider in attack mode (1900/1200).

Kaiba: Or you could just Summon a piercing monster and not waste a Mystical Space Typhoon.

 

I now move in for the assault with my Vorse Raider. And since your Samsara Kaiser is forced into attack mode, he'll remain for many more rounds and my beast can attack, reducing your life points. But let's work on this round, ATTACK."

Yusei: ...what does ATTACK stand for?

Kaiba: C'mon, just throw down an exclamation mark already.

 

The beast sliced Levi's monster and if it wasn't for his equip spell, he would have been destroyed. However, Levi still takes battle damage (2300/2250)

Ryo: You're missing so many words in those sentences, I don't know where to start.

 

"That concludes my turn," said Brandon exhausted.

Yusei: Hmph. For Duelists on our level, that's just getting started.

 

"I may have taken battle damage, but thanks to you, this duel is over.

Kaiba: !

Ryo: ...let's go.

Yusei: Ah, this is where the protagonist reveals their ingenious, karmic counter-trap. I'm pretty good at that, if I do say so myself, so this should be interesting to watch.

 

First I'll draw a card," said Levi with a smile on his face. "I activate the mystical, all powerful Black Luster Ritual. Now I sacrifice the two monsters on the field as well as this level 4 monster in my hand to make 9. And seeing as how I only need 8 to summon my mighty beast,

Yusei: Since when was the Black Luster Soldier a beast?

 

I think it qualifies. Now I'd like to introduce my favorite card, the mighty Black Luster Soldier (3000/2500). And if you would look at my hand, you will see that I have one card left. And it's time to activate that very card, go Ritual Weapon.

Ryo: "He knows not the stop."

Yusei: Or emotion of any kind, apparently.

 

This card increases the attack of one ritual monster on the field by 1500 and guess who I choose (4500). It's time to end this duel, go Black Luster Slash."

Kaiba: Come on! My robots have more emotion than you!

Yusei: Hold on a minute. There are two things wrong with that story of yours. First of all, the proctor's actions didn't help that move at all, so that was no karmic victory.

Ryo: ...wait, I think I know what that second thing is.

Yusei: You can say it.

Ryo: He used up his whole hand for that. You even pointed it out. But another thing you helpfully highlighted is that he drew a card at the start of his turn. You, sir, really did set up your own downfall.

Kaiba: Aha, I see! No matter which one of those cards he drew, at least some of that combo was based completely on luck! I'm not saying that some good Duelists don't have uncanny luck, but he couldn't have gloated before his combo was even possible!

Yusei: If just one of those cards was wrong, that combo would have been completely impossible. Therefore, I bet that he stacked his Deck!

Ryo: And the Director of Practical Application would have noticed that, too. Levi ought'a be kicked out of Duel Academy.

Kaiba: And no matter how powerful his poorly-defined family corporation is, there's no way he can oppose KaibaCorp. He's outta there.

 

And with that, the glowing monster raised his weapon and slayed Vorse Raider and destroying the rest of Brandon's life points (2300/0).

Kaiba: You sound like an excited Mokuba who just downed an Espresso.

 

The holograms disappeared

Kaiba: ...so you were using holograms after all, but you couldn't be bothered to describe them?! I spent tens of thousands of dollars and several months of work time trying to make those animations! For months on end, I tasked the whole company with making specialized animations for every Duel Monster on the planet, and you couldn't just put in a few cursory words describing, what, ten of them?! You miserable... You don't deserve to use my technology!

 

and their duel disks were deactivated.

 

"Levi, that was amazing," said Brandon. "Allow me to be the first to welcome you into Ra Yellow.

Ryo: You know, they send tapes of the Duels to the director of practical application for sorting. It takes a while, so the director does the sorting during the flight to the Academy. Unless the Duel is watched by the director and judged on an impulse, and I can think of a few examples of that, it takes a while to judge each Duel. The proctors don't have that kind of authority.

 

If you would, please send Dylan in once you pack your things."

 

Levi was disapointed that he didn't get Obelisk Blue,

Kaiba: Disappointed? "Disapointed?" If his Iq was really so dangerously high, he wouldn't just be disappointed. He'd get his poorly-defined guardians to bribe the school into putting him in that dorm.

Yusei: Of course, if his Iq was so high, he'd have gotten in to begin with.

Ryo: So now all of us have ranted at least once this chapter. Isn't this a great author.

 

but what he doesn't realize is that Obelisk Blue is for the most elite and Levi did lose almost half of his life points.

Yusei: Duels are judged by more than just Life Points. They're judged by who controls the field, who has a better constructed Deck, and who has more faith in their cards.

Ryo: Even the least competent of proctors knows not to judge a Duel by Life Points... But even so, given his blatant cheating, this was about as nice as they could get.

 

But, now it was Dylan's turn and boy was he fired up. This would be his first duel being watched by people other then our Butlers.

Yusei: But hang on. He was supposed to have been a Luca-type duel prodigy, a pro from long before he could apply to Duel Academy. This can't possibly be right.

Ryo: But it's possible he's not part of Levi's corporation.

Yusei: That's true... But it seems odd not to include his last... oh, wait. No one has a last name in this story yet, do they?

Ryo: That poor proctor doesn't even have a first name.

 

Dylan's opponent was none other than Chazz Princeton. Once he graduated from the academy, he wanted to ensure that no slackers would get into the school... and when Chazz says something, he takes it personal.

Ryo: Chazz, at least, had better not see any blatant cheating.

 

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Happy now? I haven't done one of those in months... I'll be passing it off to Phantom Roxas if you don't at least try and implement Crab's and mine advice in your next chapter.

 

I know I can speak for Crab when I say we do want you to get better and have fun writing; do at least try and understand that. For that to happen, though, you have to listen to the advice of those who critique you and follow through on it. I can cite plenty of examples of my doing this without complaint, so don't try and throw this back at me — a brief tenure on a writing forum (I forgot it existed and forgot my password, so I had to leave), a Weather Report from back in the day... And I have to say, it's made me a better writer and helped me have more fun writing. So please, with so many people trying to help you, don't throw their advice back in their face, or you just won't get any.

 

(I probably spent longer on this post than your whole story. I even proofread it to make sure the quotes aligned. It's really not that hard.)

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