Tormented Posted June 23, 2010 Report Share Posted June 23, 2010 I woke up to aspiring dreams to noticeable memories; is this a game or Reality; someone tell me what is going wrong for I'm the only one the only one who can supposedly save the earth and rid the world of the Virus which is Deleting characters and peoples minds. This is my story, I need a hope and I need help; speaking of help I thought Bear needed help with something better go look for him in the Hulle Granz Cathedral. Wait; I'm Natsume in The World i'm a Twin Blade although some people mistake me for a Blademaster for some odd reason but at the moment Kite is missing me so After I go help Bear I'm going to go save his backside. ------Part Two Coming Soon------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted June 23, 2010 Report Share Posted June 23, 2010 Okay, what? I'm happy to see a .hack fanfic (I've written one or two in the past), but this is horrid for a few reasons: 1) Way too short. 3 short paragraphs =/= a good opening chapter.2) Everything's a run-on sentence, and many of the words are oddly capitalized.3) I'm pretty sure this Natsume is intended to be the canon one, but the way she's described makes her tantamount to a generic OC. She displays absolutely no personality.4) Your pacing is horrible. As I mentioned, too much stuff introduced in too little time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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