~Mega-Man~ Posted June 18, 2010 Report Share Posted June 18, 2010 Name:GeoAge: 14Bio: Very Brave, if a gigantic monster threatened to destroy the world he would try all he could to destroy it! Story Starts: Year: 2XXX (2030) Geo is walking around, his dueldisk in arm. He wanders slowly, and finds what appears to be an iPod, but not. he looks at this blue iPod thing and wonders "What is this....". then he notices indentions in the top of the iPod, it looked like a palm would fit in. So naturally he put in his palm and he felt strange, the iPod started to glow a brilliant white light! Suddenly he found himself in a blue mechanical suit! Then in the distance, he could see a shadowy figure with a dueldisk! He ran up to the person and started to duel! Geo LP 8000??? LP 8000 "I call upon the mighty Cyber Hero Cyberman!" Cyberman Lv.6 ATK/2300 DEF/2000 NO EFFECT "I Set a face down to end my turn!" yelled Geo. "Meheheheheheheheh" said the figure, "I am Dr.Chaos","And I Summon my NetBeast Glaxer!" NetBeast GlaxerLv.4 ATK/1800 DEF/1400 NO EFFECT "ATTACK, GLAXER!! Galaxy Blast!" Shouted Dr.Chaos in a thundering voice. "My trap activates! Cyber Shield! It protects one "Machine" Type monster on the field!" said Geo. "Damnit!" yelled Dr.Chaos!"Why did Dr.Chaos want to attack my monster? Maybe a spell card in his hand would boost Glaxers attack? Im not sure but he has weird plans! TO BE CONTINUED sorry if this isnt good :( but this is my first fan fiction so dont ravage the hell out of it.Dont you hate cliff hangers?lol not much swearing yet so hey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted June 18, 2010 Report Share Posted June 18, 2010 I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible. It's bad. It has bad grammar, bad plot, fast paced, everything's bad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Mega-Man~ Posted June 18, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2010 I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible. It's bad. It has bad grammar' date=' bad plot, fast paced, everything's bad![/quote'] this is why people like Pokemon forums than this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted June 18, 2010 Report Share Posted June 18, 2010 I’m going to say this now: I hate it when people have such utter disregard for continuity. You’ve failed to hold onto anything that Star Force was about. You pretty much had Geo Stellar put into Domino City. No future references lay ANYWHERE. Some people may be wondering why I’m saying all this before my review. This is because my review got DELETED due to a stupid server error. So, I’m trying again, but bear with me.Name:GeoAge: 14Bio: Very Brave' date=' if a gigantic monster threatened to destroy the world he would try all he could to destroy it!Why did you give us the bio with no warning? You’ve told us nothing about the story, yet told us about the character. You’ve also forgotten that he was 10, he has a last name, and you said absolutely nothing about his personality, introverted and shy. I also can’t expect you to follow his personality through the story, so try again with that in mind. Story Starts: Year: 2XXX (2030)I’m mad about this, because as a Mega Man nerd (self-proclaimed), I KNOW that it’s an unwritten rule that you NEVER tell us the year of the game! I’m so enraged about that because it’s strictly impossible for the series to work this way. It’s EXPLICITLY stated to take place 100 years after Battle Network, and if you try saying that this is your version, then you shouldn’t be using the 2XXX thing, nor should you be using Geo. Just use your own damn characters then, damnit! Geo is walking around, his dueldisk in arm. He wanders slowly, and finds what appears to be an iPod, but not. he looks at this blue iPod thing and wonders "What is this....". then he notices indentions in the top of the iPod, it looked like a palm would fit in. So naturally he put in his palm and he felt strange, the iPod started to glow a brilliant white light! Suddenly he found himself in a blue mechanical suit! Then in the distance, he could see a shadowy figure with a dueldisk! He ran up to the person and started to duel!I COULD be using the play-by-play strategy I usually pull, but I’m too irritated to do that. The problems here consist of the following:1. You have zero description. This means that this story takes place in a white void, Geo is a rhinoceros, and the suit is really just a blue paper suit with gears drawn on. Atlernatively, Dr. Chaos, as he is so terribly named in future paragraphs, is a talking chair.2. You keep forgetting to capitalize! How hard is that for people to notice?3. Where’s Omega-Xis? If this took place before him, why isn’t Geo depressed and 10? If this takes place after he left, when did he leave? He never left in the games! If he doesn’t exist in this series, then why even base it on Star Force?4. Really? What’s the use of the transformation? And how is this “iPod” large enough for him to put his fist into? You COULD have said that it was a hilariously oversized iPod, but…5. Why couldn’t he see the shady guy earlier, and why does he just run to him and duel him, without any warning? Duels don’t work that way.6. I fail to see the use of the suit. Geo LP 8000??? LP 8000 "I call upon the mighty Cyber Hero Cyberman!" Cyberman Lv.6 ATK/2300 DEF/2000 NO EFFECT LV. 6?! HAX. CHEATER. REFER TO MANUAL. "I Set a face down to end my turn!" yelled Geo. "Meheheheheheheheh" said the figure, "I am Dr.Chaos","And I Summon my NetBeast Glaxer!"So you have an E-Hero based archetype? Failure! Seriously, GX is the worst incarnation of the YGO franchise. It’s made up of terrible filler for half of the first season, none of the characters are well-written, and the only reason the third and fourth seasons were any good… was because they were ripping off Neon Genesis Evangelion, a much better anime overall. So, basically, most people out here don’t like GX. Also you didn’t space out your quotations here, which is a basic rule of thumb for writing! How could you forget that! In addition, WHY is he evil, and WHY does he want to duel? What do they or their monsters look like? And why can’t they have effects? NetBeast GlaxerLv.4 ATK/1800 DEF/1400 NO EFFECTHaving no effects is very lame, as nobody likes cards without effects, making 90% of them useless. 99%, when you include the earlier sets. "ATTACK, GLAXER!! Galaxy Blast!" Shouted Dr.Chaos in a thundering voice. "My trap activates! Cyber Shield! It protects one "Machine" Type monster on the field!" said Geo. "Damnit!" yelled Dr.Chaos!"Why did Dr.Chaos want to attack my monster? Maybe a spell card in his hand would boost Glaxers attack? Im not sure but he has weird plans!So you have a weak plot twist and leave the story around 1/3 of the chapter through. You also neglect to describe anything, and you leave us all feeling sick. TO BE CONTINUED sorry if this isnt good :( but this is my first fan fiction so dont ravage the hell out of it.Dont you hate cliff hangers?lol not much swearing yet so hey. I’m giving you a tip here, from a guy who’s written many, MANY bad fan fictions: Run away from this. Never look back at this story. You will hate this in the future. Unlike many people on this site who review, I remember when MY stories were about this horrible. I kinda like to be nicer to people while remembering this fact, so I can tell you from experience that this is absolute horse crap. I’ve written a bunch of stories, and yet only after several, several tries, and watching several hours of The Angry Video Game Nerd and The Nostalgia Critic videos, I believe I’ve become cultured enough to have written two OKAY stories and ONE I can be proud about (The Yugioh GX parody in the forum, which only gets good at around chapter four). So chin up, stop acting like a jabroni about criticism (Twig was NOT harsh), and learn from this experience like me. And also, Pokemon forums being nicer? I posted a story there a few years back and everybody panned it without saying why. So yeah, Serebii is one huge, collective prick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toffee. Posted June 18, 2010 Report Share Posted June 18, 2010 I EXPECTED NOISMS. I AM DISAPPOINT. Cyber Hero Cyberman!...............Can I suggest that you re-name him to "Star-Hero Warman"?It fits better if the first card he summons is WarRockOmegaxis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted June 18, 2010 Report Share Posted June 18, 2010 What the heck is this? And why hasn't Weather Report-Stand reported on mine yet?!? While my favorite game series, Megaman has always had a crap story (Starforce 1 had the best plot,) but it was A LOT better than this. Story was atrocious and generic. Writing was atrocious. For a cliffhanger, there isn't much reason to keep reading after this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted June 19, 2010 Report Share Posted June 19, 2010 I have to agree with the others but I'm adding that your Cuber Hero is a level 6 monster summoned without a tribute Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted June 19, 2010 Report Share Posted June 19, 2010 I’m going to say this now: I hate it when people have such utter disregard for continuity. You’ve failed to hold onto anything that Star Force was about. You pretty much had Geo Stellar put into Domino City. No future references lay ANYWHERE. Some people may be wondering why I’m saying all this before my review. This is because my review got DELETED due to a stupid server error. So' date=' I’m trying again, but bear with me.Name:GeoAge: 14Bio: Very Brave, if a gigantic monster threatened to destroy the world he would try all he could to destroy it!Why did you give us the bio with no warning? You’ve told us nothing about the story, yet told us about the character. You’ve also forgotten that he was 10, he has a last name, and you said absolutely nothing about his personality, introverted and shy. I also can’t expect you to follow his personality through the story, so try again with that in mind. Story Starts: Year: 2XXX (2030)I’m mad about this, because as a Mega Man nerd (self-proclaimed), I KNOW that it’s an unwritten rule that you NEVER tell us the year of the game! I’m so enraged about that because it’s strictly impossible for the series to work this way. It’s EXPLICITLY stated to take place 100 years after Battle Network, and if you try saying that this is your version, then you shouldn’t be using the 2XXX thing, nor should you be using Geo. Just use your own damn characters then, damnit! Geo is walking around, his dueldisk in arm. He wanders slowly, and finds what appears to be an iPod, but not. he looks at this blue iPod thing and wonders "What is this....". then he notices indentions in the top of the iPod, it looked like a palm would fit in. So naturally he put in his palm and he felt strange, the iPod started to glow a brilliant white light! Suddenly he found himself in a blue mechanical suit! Then in the distance, he could see a shadowy figure with a dueldisk! He ran up to the person and started to duel!I COULD be using the play-by-play strategy I usually pull, but I’m too irritated to do that. The problems here consist of the following:1. You have zero description. This means that this story takes place in a white void, Geo is a rhinoceros, and the suit is really just a blue paper suit with gears drawn on. Atlernatively, Dr. Chaos, as he is so terribly named in future paragraphs, is a talking chair.2. You keep forgetting to capitalize! How hard is that for people to notice?3. Where’s Omega-Xis? If this took place before him, why isn’t Geo depressed and 10? If this takes place after he left, when did he leave? He never left in the games! If he doesn’t exist in this series, then why even base it on Star Force?4. Really? What’s the use of the transformation? And how is this “iPod” large enough for him to put his fist into? You COULD have said that it was a hilariously oversized iPod, but…5. Why couldn’t he see the shady guy earlier, and why does he just run to him and duel him, without any warning? Duels don’t work that way.6. I fail to see the use of the suit. Geo LP 8000??? LP 8000 "I call upon the mighty Cyber Hero Cyberman!" Cyberman Lv.6 ATK/2300 DEF/2000 NO EFFECT LV. 6?! HAX. CHEATER. REFER TO MANUAL. "I Set a face down to end my turn!" yelled Geo. "Meheheheheheheheh" said the figure, "I am Dr.Chaos","And I Summon my NetBeast Glaxer!"So you have an E-Hero based archetype? Failure! Seriously, GX is the worst incarnation of the YGO franchise. It’s made up of terrible filler for half of the first season, none of the characters are well-written, and the only reason the third and fourth seasons were any good… was because they were ripping off Neon Genesis Evangelion, a much better anime overall. So, basically, most people out here don’t like GX. Also you didn’t space out your quotations here, which is a basic rule of thumb for writing! How could you forget that! In addition, WHY is he evil, and WHY does he want to duel? What do they or their monsters look like? And why can’t they have effects? NetBeast GlaxerLv.4 ATK/1800 DEF/1400 NO EFFECTHaving no effects is very lame, as nobody likes cards without effects, making 90% of them useless. 99%, when you include the earlier sets. "ATTACK, GLAXER!! Galaxy Blast!" Shouted Dr.Chaos in a thundering voice. "My trap activates! Cyber Shield! It protects one "Machine" Type monster on the field!" said Geo. "Damnit!" yelled Dr.Chaos!"Why did Dr.Chaos want to attack my monster? Maybe a spell card in his hand would boost Glaxers attack? Im not sure but he has weird plans!So you have a weak plot twist and leave the story around 1/3 of the chapter through. You also neglect to describe anything, and you leave us all feeling sick. TO BE CONTINUED sorry if this isnt good :( but this is my first fan fiction so dont ravage the hell out of it.Dont you hate cliff hangers?lol not much swearing yet so hey. I’m giving you a tip here, from a guy who’s written many, MANY bad fan fictions: Run away from this. Never look back at this story. You will hate this in the future. Unlike many people on this site who review, I remember when MY stories were about this horrible. I kinda like to be nicer to people while remembering this fact, so I can tell you from experience that this is absolute horse crap. I’ve written a bunch of stories, and yet only after several, several tries, and watching several hours of The Angry Video Game Nerd and The Nostalgia Critic videos, I believe I’ve become cultured enough to have written two OKAY stories and ONE I can be proud about (The Yugioh GX parody in the forum, which only gets good at around chapter four). So chin up, stop acting like a b**** about criticism (Twig was NOT harsh), and learn from this experience like me. And also, Pokemon forums being nicer? I posted a story there a few years back and everybody panned it without saying why. So yeah, Serebii is one huge, collective prick. i was actually gonna review this, but WR beat me to it and said everything i was gonna say. STOP READING MY MIND!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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