|||Chapter One Posted||| Monochrome Skies ~ An Original Tale||| Cutoff Error Fixed, I think

[έκλειψη]

What the? Whenever I update, it cuts off a half of the prologue! Maybe it's too many characters. Prologue on this post, Chapter 1 on the next.

 

“Pathetic, isn’t it? These filthy little creatures are just running about, destroying everything as they go! Most of them don’t even have an idea as to what potential life has! They don’t deserve the life they’ve been given; their breath should be taken from them. Hell, they never should have lived in the first place. In fact, that’s why we’re going to kill them all, right? Of course it isn’t! We’re killing them because there won’t be any world left if we don’t stop this! The other nations I care not for, but these pigs must be slaughtered!”

 

“I guess so? I’m not involved in this war; I’m only a house servant…”

 

“We warned them three times! Three! The Artemis Incident was bad, but we aided in cleaning up the spill. In fact, they killed thirty thousand of their own! Of course, President Maria didn’t care. None of their leaders did. Then there was the Grey Goo Incident. That was perhaps what opened the eyes of the other nations. They were hesitant to speak war with Maria, however; their militaries are pathetic in comparison to Taka’s. We couldn’t do anything then, however, other than just evacuate the area and hope it already sank into the planets mantle before the annual floods. February’s Crater Fields Incident was the last straw. Iriav is a small, weak country; the civil war only ended three years ago! Accidentally sending a massive ball of flaming debris into the Rain Forest Country would NOT be tolerated without retaliation!”

 

“Erm… Shouldn’t you be telling your military leaders this? I can’t do anything about it.”

 

“Aminifu, escort me to Western Meeting Room. Call the others; it’s about time we unleashed our first attack on the Takan mainland.”

 

“Yes, Lady Balatro.”

 

The young man bowed, stepping forward to the bottom of the staircase that led to Lady Balatro’s throne. The room seemed like something of times long passed, graceful gothic arches reaching upwards towards the painted heavens that decorated the dome that topped the structure. Above the clouds there stood a metallic dragon with a light, faded blue body and large wings. It seemed to be releasing an orb of energy; it appeared in myth to be capable of such things, and Lady Balatro was interested in the tales of olden times, and the shining orb was on the dome’s center, beams of light streaking down through the painted heavens and onto the peaks of each gothic arch, other than the arch that towered over Lady Balatro’s throne. As the young woman descended from the cloud to touch mortal ground, the man bowed yet again, escorting her down the pathway of amethyst that ran from the staircase into the main hallway, which, unlike the throne room, did not have a dome for a roof. Instead the ceiling gently slanted to a soft peak, the exterior covered with ruby-red shingles. The two turned to their left, continuing down the main hallway until they came across a large door. Upon it was the Balatro coat of arms: a golden rose with a black serpent coiled inside each petal. On either side of the rose there was a white sword, and above it, inscribed in the stone of the door, was the phrase “Parcere est Stultus.”

 

The man opened the door, the thin, fragile frame of the small Lady Balatro entering the room. Her dress was a large, golden-yellow thing, designed to resemble the golden rose of her family coat of arms. Her shoes were ballet flats; soft-soled, yellow ones that aided her in her silent gliding to the head of the table and up the stairs to her seat. She would always wait until she was seated before even getting Aminifu to call the others; she liked to seem a bit above the others by always being the first there, completely oblivious to the fact they seemed to think nothing of it; she should always be the first in attendance to a meeting in her own home.

 

“Ma’am, it will be an hour before everyone is here. Do you wish to wait?”

 

“I am fine, Aminifu. You can leave now.”

 

An hour passed and noon came by, and the cool breezes of autumn kissed the cheeks of whoever walked outside. People had just begun to enter the Western Meeting Room, and Lady Balatro greeted them with a smile. “Welcome, all! I’ve called you hear to discuss whether or not you’ve made the preparations for this war. Well, have you? Ah, don’t worry! I was joking; I know all of you have made preparations! I only trust people the likes of whom exceed expectations, and since my expectations are nearly impossible to meet, I know you are the best of people to trust.”

 

“Yes, Lady Balatro, we are prepared for our first strike. We have 4 Divinity Class L.A.N.C.E’s ready to depart. We already know your main target it the Dark Bay City, Asubuhi. Interesting story, actually… I was in Asubuhi once before, and I noticed the buildings there are extremely unstable. It’s as if nobody even knows what a foundation is over there! I’m, surprised they haven’t had an earthquake in the last 800 years, or else that city would be devastated.”

 

Lady Balatro sighed, looking to the man with a dull expression. “Excuse me, Alexander, but do you really think your story will in any way help us with this war? Actually, you did! Thanks. Now, Tolemos, do you have any R.O.S.E bombs ready for use?”

 

A tall man nodded, emerald eyes meeting Lady Balatro’s glare. His hair was thin and short to his head, though his beard seemed to be of the exact opposite characteristics. He sighed before speaking as if he were burdened to respond. “Yes, Lady Balatro, there is a R.O.S.E bomb ready for use.”

 

“Why look at me that way, Tolemos? I’m not trying to imply that you aren’t up to the task of creating weapons of mass destruction. Let’s go outside for a bit, shall we? All of this planning is going to drive us mad if we don’t relax before getting into things.”

 

Outside, the group sat in the courtyard, with the exclusion of Lady Balatro, who stood. They didn’t speak to one another. Instead, they only sighed and sat with their eyes closed, occasionally opening them to glance at one another. It was a very odd silence, but it seemed to work , for Lady Balatro clapped her hands and told the others their break had ended. “Let’s go back to the Meeting room, everyone! People are already showing up to take pictures of the garden.”

 

The Royal Flower Garden was a massive tourist attraction, containing plants bred that appeared nowhere else on the planet. Lady Balatro would occasionally take a walk through the Flower Garden, just for the pictures, but she hadn’t recently, the war being more important to her than the smell of freshly cut grass.

 

While walking outside, Lady Balatro spoke with one man as he walked beside her, though he was hesitant to reply to anything. He asked her something and she nodded, though upon doing so he fell onto her. The Lady looked over to him, an irritated look on her face, when saw his head and screamed. Something had completely destroyed the man’s skull, and the blood poured down onto the Lady’s dress. She panicked, though Tolemos grabbed her arm and darted into the palace. Those viewing the garden scattered, all hurrying to their vehicles. “No! Lock down everything!” Lady Balatro ordered, Aminifu lock ordering the servants to lock all doors entrances while he sealed the doors to the Western Meeting Room.

 

“Lady Balatro,” Aminifu began, “It appears the first strike was not yours to make.”

 

 

It keeps screwing up whenever I try to post chapter 1 just like it did when I updated the first time. Updates postponed until this glitch or whatever is fixed.

[Twig]

So this is an original story? If so, don't call it a fanfic. It's just a fic or a story. Whatever you want to call it.

 

The prologue was confusing. It's as if we're beginning in the middle of the story. Or did you actually take a chapter from the middle of the story and put it on the prologue as a sneak preview?

 

Still, it has nice description and good grammar(But I did see a mistake. I forgot where it was...).

[έκλειψη]

Yes it's a sneak preview of a prologue.

 

It starts before Lady Balatro is even ruler of her country, and ends... Well, that's no fun to say, is it?

 

Chapter I should be up either tomorrow or Tuesday.

[έκλειψη]

Bump.

[έκλειψη]

Bump again. I'll be putting up Chapter 1 later today.

I found that mistake. There's a roaming 'it' where there should be an 'is'.

[Kenny Bohner]

So this is an original story? If so' date=' don't call it a fanfic. It's just a fic or a story. Whatever you want to call it.

 

The prologue was confusing. It's as if we're beginning in the middle of the story. Or did you actually take a chapter from the middle of the story and put it on the prologue as a sneak preview?

 

Still, it has nice description and good grammar(But I did see a mistake. I forgot where it was...).

[/quote']

 

It was when the meeting began. She said "called you all hear," instead of "called you all here." Your description of the lady's clothing was a little strange, but most clothing description is. It was intriguing, though, and I anxiously await chapter one. One thing you may want to work on is fleshing everything out a bit more; it wasn't bad, but I really had no idea what any of the people looked like, vaguely how many there were, etc. As I said, though, very nice. You've got yourself a subscriber :)

[έκλειψη]

Chapter One has been posted! It's pretty short in comparison to the other chapters, but it introduces some of the very important characters.

[Twig]

Wait...Where is chapter one? And I could have sworn the prologue was complete, but now it ends with "Something had completely destroyed the man’s skul"

[CrabHelmet]

Once upon a time, a man named Theodore Sturgeon observed that ninety percent of everything is trash. Nowhere is this more evident than in the world of Fan Fiction, where the majority of works are garbage, riddled with endless clichés, plot holes, and character derailments and totally lacking in any redeeming qualities.

 

The remaining ten percent, however, is to die for, and occasionally there arises a tale that transcends the standard fare. These masterpieces rival or even surpass the original work itself in terms of quality. They feature original, clever, epic plots, with rounded and dynamic characters populating a well-developed world. The dialogue is realistic and enjoyable to read; when exposition is necessary, it is introduced at a sensible pace and keeps the reader immersed; the characters remain sensibly true to their canon characterizations and are not forced to act like idiots to develop the plot; and the overall experience is something that leaves the reader feeling simultaneously satisfied and hungry for more. And it goes without saying that these brilliant works are heavily proofread to ensure the eradication of any errors.

 

This is not one of those stories.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

I'm not sure how to reformat this first line to show that I'm quoting it:

 

Prologue

 

See, normally I'd italicize it, but it was already italicized. So normally I'd underline it, but it was already underlined. So normally I'd bold it, but it was already bolded. What am I supposed to do, fiddle with the font size and typeface? This isn't exactly a real complaint, but how many types of formatting do you need to throw onto the word "Prologue" when announcing that the prologue is beginning when you're not even bothering to give the prologue a name?

 

“Pathetic, isn’t it?

 

Wait a minute, did I stumble into another fanfic review series?

 

These filthy little creatures are just running about, destroying everything as they go!

 

Yup, I'm pretty sure this is talking about bad fanfic writers now.

 

Most of them don’t even have an idea as to what potential life has!

 

Or maybe Tonegawa is interrupting the balance-beam-walking again to talk about how much everyone sucks.

 

They don’t deserve the life they’ve been given; their breath should be taken from them.

 

Nope, this confirms it. It has to be about bad fanfic writers.

 

Hell, they never should have lived in the first place.

 

Indeed, there's no other explanation.

 

In fact, that’s why we’re going to kill them all, right?

 

Now that's the sort of forward-thinking forum-saving innovation we reviewers need! I approve of this!

 

Of course it isn’t! We’re killing them because there won’t be any world left if we don’t stop this!

 

Ah, I see. We're not killing them because they're worthless beings that destroy everything they touch and therefore will be a problem if they are allowed to live. Instead, we're killing them because they're destroying everything they touch and therefore will be a problem if they are allowed to live. Totally different, I assure you.

 

The other nations I care not for, but these pigs must be slaughtered!”

 

“I guess so? I’m not involved in this war; I’m only a house servant…”

 

I don't care if you're just a house servant; you can't be completely neutral and clueless about a major genocidal war being fought by your nation, especially when your master apparently has a penchant for bursting into rants on that topic.

 

“We warned them three times! Three!

 

"Five is right out."

 

The Artemis Incident was bad,

 

Well, of course it was bad. Your nation was up against a preteen rich kid and his ridiculously strong Butler. You basically didn't stand a chance.

 

but we aided in cleaning up the spill.

 

UNLIKE BP

 

ZING

 

In fact, they killed thirty thousand of their own! Of course, President Maria didn’t care. None of their leaders did. Then there was the Grey Goo Incident. That was perhaps what opened the eyes of the other nations. They were hesitant to speak war with Maria, however; their militaries are pathetic in comparison to Taka’s. We couldn’t do anything then, however, other than just evacuate the area and hope it already sank into the planet's mantle before the annual floods. February’s Crater Fields Incident was the last straw. Iriav is a small, weak country; the civil war only ended three years ago! Accidentally sending a massive ball of flaming debris into the Rain Forest Country would NOT be tolerated without retaliation!”

 

Of course, deliberately cutting the rain forest down at absurdly unsustainable rates and causing the extinction of countless species through habitat destruction is considered perfectly acceptable in real life.

 

FOE FICTION: COMMENTING ON ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES SINCE THE CHAMBER OF 32 DOORS

 

“Erm… Shouldn’t you be telling your military leaders this? I can’t do anything about it.”

 

You, sir, are a lousy servant. A servant shouldn't be going, "WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING, GO TALK TO THOSE OTHER GUYS INSTEAD;" he should be bowing and saying, "Indeed, sir," and perhaps eventually politely suggesting that conferring with military leaders might be a reasonable course of action, not whining about how the master is completely screwing up and should be talking to someone else instead. I know not everyone can be Jeeves, but seriously, this servant sucks. Of course, it's completely impossible for military leaders not to already have this background knowledge, which would make ranting to them pointless, which brings me to my next point: the exposition here is actually fairly decent.

 

All right, the exact level of depth in the things the master is saying feels a little forced and unnatural, and it's obvious that this scene was created for the purpose of providing exposition, but it does fit naturally into the world of the story. While a character talking to herself is unnatural (the master is female; I skimmed ahead a couple of lines), a character talking ostensibly to someone else as an excuse for this sort of self-indulgent ranting that's really for her own benefit rather than her servant's actually seems reasonable, and the servant's status as a servant means it makes sense for him to listen despite neither understanding nor caring, even though he seems to kind of suck at doing that - and his lack of knowledge of the situation (though it's not clear why he lacks this basic knowledge) makes it reasonable the master to rant to him. It's fairly basic, but it works well enough and makes more sense than having the master talk to herself or to some military leader who already understands the situation or something similarly stupid.

 

I know it's not funny to actually like an aspect of a story, and this really would be just mediocre were it not far better by comparison than most Foe Fics, but it's important to point out techniques like this that can be used to avert As You Know.

 

“Aminifu, escort me to Western Meeting Room.

 

Don't expect to defeat me. I know Amini Fu.

 

Call the others; it’s about time we unleashed our first attack on the Takan mainland.”

 

Wait a minute, the master is in a position to order the launching of attacks? I was picturing her as a regular aristocrat with great wealth and social status but without this sort of military power. My impression made her ranting make sense; if she actually commands military power, then she doesn't need to be whining to her servant about what's going on, since she can actually act on her opinions instead of just complaining about the state of things. Don't make me retract my praise for your exposition with this nonsense.

 

“Yes, Lady Balatro.”

 

I know these are fantasy names, so they're expected to be silly, but seriously, Aminifu and Balatro?

 

The young man bowed, stepping forward to the bottom of the staircase that led to Lady Balatro’s throne.

 

She has a throne but can't get a better servant than this chump?

 

The room seemed like something of times long passed, graceful Gothic arches reaching upwards towards the painted heavens that decorated the dome that topped the structure. Above the clouds there stood a metallic dragon with a light, faded blue body and large wings. It seemed to be releasing an orb of energy; it appeared in myth to be capable of such things, and Lady Balatro was interested in the tales of olden times, and the shining orb was on the dome’s center, beams of light streaking down through the painted heavens and onto the peaks of each Gothic arch, other than the arch that towered over Lady Balatro’s throne. As the young woman descended from the cloud to touch mortal ground, the man bowed yet again, escorting her down the pathway of amethyst that ran from the staircase into the main hallway,

 

Wait a minute, where did we return from the architectural description to narrating the characters' actions? The description was great, but I can't even tell where we return from it to the story. This last sentence starts with a young woman "descend[ing] from the cloud to touch mortal ground" - the clouds that we've established were painted on the ceiling, implying that this woman is part of the painting - but then has the servant escorting her, since "she" now suddenly refers to Balatro. Maybe I'm misreading something here, but I've gone over it several times to make sure that I'm reading everything as it's written, so you've either screwed something up or written this description so badly that even upon analysis I can't even follow what's supposed to be going on (and thus have screwed something up).

 

I fear that this may become a theme of this story. The exposition was good until you screwed it up by revealing that Balatro had military power and thus had no need to rant to her servant. the description was good until you screwed it up with this bizarre section here. Do you need to spoil everything you do right by retroactively screwing it up immediately afterward?

 

which, unlike the throne room, did not have a dome for a roof. Instead the ceiling gently slanted to a soft peak, the exterior covered with ruby-red shingles. The two turned to their left, continuing down the main hallway until they came across a large door. Upon it was the Balatro coat of arms: a golden rose with a black serpent coiled inside each petal. On either side of the rose there was a white sword, and above it, inscribed in the stone of the door, was the phrase “Parcere est Stultus.”

 

The Latin motto basically says that it's foolish to be moderate; hence the indulgence in Balatro's palace. For all of this description, though - and don't get me wrong, this description is most welcome - we still don't know anything about what Aminifu and Balatro look like. For myself, I'll be picturing Aminifu as Jeeves, an infinitely superior gentleman's gentleman (not that Aminifu is any sort of gentleman's gentleman, given that Balatro is female and thus not a gentleman, but you get the idea). As for Lady Balatro, the similarity of her name to another Lady has me picturing her as a flock of golden butterflies.

 

The man opened the door, the thin, fragile frame of the small Lady Balatro entering the room. Her dress was a large, golden-yellow thing, designed to resemble the golden rose of her family coat of arms. Her shoes were ballet flats; soft-soled, yellow ones that aided her in her silent gliding to the head of the table and up the stairs to her seat.

 

well i guess i spoke too soon

 

This is nice description of Lady Balatro's attire, but anything above her neck is still a mystery. What does she look like? We don't even know whether her hair is golden to match everything else or not. And since her clothes seem pretty similar to the standard dress of Beato, I'm going to continue picturing her like that. Bear in mind that this description of what the focus character actually looks like was dropped in favour of a description of a room that she walked through. Sure, I'm certain that that room will return later and the description was good, but if some prioritization would be nice. Similarly, the room that Balatro is in right now and in which she will conduct her meeting is not described - it is simply "a room". I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, since this is better than the standard practice of describing nothing in fanfics, but a little prioritization would be nice, and neglecting to describe the main characters or the rooms in which stuff actually happens while instead detailing the background of a room that they walked through at one point seems about as bad as prioritization gets.

 

She would always wait until she was seated before even getting Aminifu to call the others; she liked to seem a bit above the others by always being the first there, completely oblivious to the fact they seemed to think nothing of it; she should always be the first in attendance to a meeting in her own home.

 

I know this is deliberately stupid, but seriously, how dumb do you have to be to think it's impressive to be the first to arrive to a meeting you called that is convened where you live? There's stupid, and then there's absurdly stupid.

 

“Ma’am, it will be an hour before everyone is here. Do you wish to wait?”

 

“I am fine, Aminifu. You can leave now.”

 

An hour passed and noon came by, and the cool breezes of autumn kissed the cheeks of whoever walked outside. People had just begun to enter the Western Meeting Room, and Lady Balatro greeted them with a smile. “Welcome, all! I’ve called you here to discuss whether or not you’ve made the preparations for this war. Well, have you? Ah, don’t worry! I was joking; I know all of you have made preparations! I only trust people the likes of whom exceed expectations, and since my expectations are nearly impossible to meet, I know you are the best of people to trust.”

 

The last bit there sounds really lame to me, especially since it amounts to "I trust you because you must be good because I trust you," but I suppose it is the sort of thing that a stupid aristocrat might say.

 

“Yes, Lady Balatro, we are prepared for our first strike. We have 4 Divinity Class L.A.N.C.E’s ready to depart. We already know your main target is the Dark Bay City, Asubuhi. Interesting story, actually… I was in Asubuhi once before, and I noticed the buildings there are extremely unstable. It’s as if nobody even knows what a foundation is over there! I’m, surprised they haven’t had an earthquake in the last 800 years, or else that city would be devastated.”

 

I'm, surprised this wasn't proofread properly.

 

I do have to wonder how Alexander could have just "noticed" that the buildings' foundations were structurally unstable. That's not the sort of thing that even a professional can tell just by looking, and Alexander, who was there for reasons that I must assume are non-architectural and who works for the military, would hardly have been appraising them. There isn't really much reason for him to have a clue how sound the buildings' foundations are.

 

Lady Balatro sighed, looking to the man with a dull expression. “Excuse me, Alexander, but do you really think your story will in any way help us with this war?

 

Indeed, Alexander. Why on earth would you think that knowledge of how easily the enemies' buildings can be demolished might possibly be somewhat useful to an attack force seeking to demolish the enemies' buildings?

 

Actually, you did! Thanks.

 

There's something very wrong with Balatro. She has major, instantaneous swings between being horribly bored and being cheerful and hyper; combining this with her other stupidities leads me only to conclude that she has ADHD or some other disorder of that sort. Either that, or she's just badly-written.

 

Now, Tolemos, do you have any R.O.S.E bombs ready for use?”

 

Why is everything here named with I.N.I.T.I.A.L.S.?

 

A tall man nodded, emerald eyes meeting Lady Balatro’s glare. His hair was thin and short to his head, though his beard seemed to be of the exact opposite characteristics.

 

Compare this description of Tolemos - how can all of these people with weird names be in the same universe as a guy named Alex anyhow? - with the description of Balatro. Tolemos's is far more extensive, which is to say that it actually exists. Why?

 

He sighed before speaking as if he were burdened to respond. “Yes, Lady Balatro, there is a R.O.S.E bomb ready for use.”

 

“Why look at me that way, Tolemos? I’m not trying to imply that you aren’t up to the task of creating weapons of mass destruction. Let’s go outside for a bit, shall we? All of this planning is going to drive us mad if we don’t relax before getting into things.”

 

Lady Balatro: "THOSE WORTHLESS THINGS DON'T DESERVE TO EXIST. Welcome, everyone! You're all the best because you're all the best! YOUR STORY IS BORING AND IRRELEVANT. Wait, it's brilliant! Huzzah! WE NEED BOMBS AND WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. Let's all go outside for some nice fresh air and relaxation even though we only just started!"

 

Seriously, it's like she has some weird version of bipolar affective disorder that flips between mania and depression every half-minute instead of every half-year. Actual bipolar disorder is considered "rapid-cycling" if there are a mere four major episodes per year, so I'm pretty sure this rate of cycling has to break the bipolar light barrier or something.

 

Outside, the group sat in the courtyard, with the exclusion of Lady Balatro, who stood. They didn’t speak to one another. Instead, they only sighed and sat with their eyes closed, occasionally opening them to glance at one another. It was a very odd silence, but it seemed to work , for Lady Balatro clapped her hands and told the others their break had ended. “Let’s go back to the Meeting room, everyone! People are already showing up to take pictures of the garden.”

 

There's some weird stuff with the typing here, like the space before the comma and the bizarre capitalization of "Meeting room" - considering the lack of such errors early on and their prevalence here as we get further through the story, it almost feels as if the author proofread the first half of this thing and then got bored and stopped before reaching the second half.

 

The Royal Flower Garden was a massive tourist attraction, containing plants bred that appeared nowhere else on the planet. Lady Balatro would occasionally take a walk through the Flower Garden, just for the pictures, but she hadn’t recently, the war being more important to her than the smell of freshly cut grass.

 

But the tourists visiting the garden are apparently more important than the state of mind of the generals conducting the war, since their presence is forcing the generals out of the garden to get back to all the war stuff.

 

The problem with all of this is that Balatro is the one doing everything in this story, so I can't tell whether this is the author screwing everything up or Balatro being completely insane.

 

While walking outside, Lady Balatro spoke with one man as he walked beside her, though he was hesitant to reply to anything. He asked her something and she nodded, though upon doing so he fell onto her. The Lady looked over to him, an irritated look on her face, when saw his head and screamed. Something had completely destroyed the man’s skul

 

It's hammertime, because this story just came to a sudden stop. No, really. It cuts off not just in the middle of a scene, not just in the middle of a paragraph, not just in the middle of a sentence, but actually in the middle of a WORD. You somehow didn't notice that you cut yourself off in the middle of the word "skull"? How terrible does your proofreading have to be to allow your story to end like that? This really shouldn't be that difficult. You can't just let things be cut off like that.

 

This is definitely good by YCM's standards, but it's still plagued by a lot of problems like the ill-prioritized description, and when your story ends like that, I have to wonder whether you ev

[έκλειψη]

Sorry 'bout that. The prologue was complete, but when I updated it, it screwed it up for some reason. It should be posted all the way now.

 

I didn't intend to have Lady Fool seem bipolar; she hated Takans, not those of her own country. Perhaps I should use coutries that already exist, or provide information about the countries so they don't seem like names? All comments on proofreading I understand, though; I did get lazy. Well, not everyone has read it yet, so I'll go edit the prologue and proofread the first chapter. I'll add some description to Lady Balatro's face as well. Thanks for the review, Crab! As for the names, Aminifu is a real name meaning "Loyal" in Swahili, and Balatro is latin for fool/foolishness, I think. Not sure about Balatro's though.

[έκλειψη]

[spoiler=Chapter 1]

“How could such a terrible

[ΕεΔδΛλΙιΡρΣσςΕε]

Out of boredom, the world of this story shall be altered and made a Yugioh Fan-fic, since original fics aren't worth commenting on, it appears.

Also, the damned error still cut of my last post with chapter 1!

 

[spoiler= Chapter 1]“How could such a terrible beast have been created? Its breath was foul, fed by a thousand rotting corpses a day. The grotesque being roared, declaring its challenge from the very depths of hell. Those above its resting place had no choice but to descend into its domain as sacrifice to keep from the entire village being destroyed. One day, when the wretched creature selected a young man as a victim, it roared, with the voice of a thousand banshees-“

 

“Saviero!”

 

“What, sis?”

 

“Your friends are here! They want to go jumping off of buildings or something. Come downstairs; even better, get out of the house!”

 

Saviero sighed, scratching the back of his head. His ochre hair was soon covered by a hooded jacket, and his fair skin, light like his sisters, was covered, excluding his hands and face. The young man was of medium height, which was 1.7 meters in Taka. He closed his book and placed it on his bed, standing up. “It’s called parkour, sis. Or, if you want to be fancy in speaking of it-“

 

“I don’t. Get the hell outta’ here. Take these two with ya.”

 

Two young men stood beside the sofa bed that Saviero’s sister, Maria, rested on. The taller of the two, Antonio, had sepia hair that matched his eyes, as well as a lithe frame, like the others in the room. He had been working on a mustache after Saviero told him some facial hair would improve his chances with women. Unfortunately, the entire thing had become a mess of fuzz rather than a fully developed mustache. He refused to shave it, however, despite constant jokes from his mustache-less friends.

 

The other adolescent, Ciro, had jet black, shoulder length hair and emerald green eyes.

He did share the same lithe figure as the others, and he seemed to lack the same muscle mass that indicated one was capable of l'art du déplacement. His dull gray shirt has short sleeves, and a thin scar ran the length of his arm, a result of a neighbor’s pet attacking him. The faint, near-pink marking stood out against his fair skin.

 

“Come on, you two,” Saviero sighed, looking to Maria. “If you’re hungry, don’t bother getting me anything. There’s pasta in the fridge and innocent children throughout the city.”

Maria sighed, staring daggers to her younger sibling. “Go to hell, Saviero.”

 

“Such language for the lady who’s lucky enough to share banes with the woman elected to lead our country! You give all Maria’s a bad reputation!” Saviero gasped in mock shock. “Why do you dye your hair green anyways? You have to wash it out whenever you plan on going outside. You might be under the media radar inside the house, but do really think nobody’s going to notice that hair of yours outside?”

 

“I’ll just not go outside. Goodbye. Now.”

 

The three adolescents exited the room, walking to the elevator. Nobody else was on when the doors opened, as there was no one else that lived in a penthouse suite. Only Saviero, Maria, and their friends had access to the floor. Saviero selected the lobby floor, and as the elevator began to descend, Antonio began to speak.

 

“Saviero, your sister’s –“

 

“What? Seriously? My sister’s thirty-four. I don’t think she cares about how hot you think she is. She’s old enough to be your mother.”

 

“Only if she thought the way I wish she did when she was my age-“

 

“Both of you shut up.” Ciro sighed, pushing the others to the side and getting out of the elevator the moment the doors opened. “What’s wrong with you, Antonio? She’s twice your age!”

 

The three stopped by the front desk and handed in their identification cards before putting on gloves, goggles, and gasmasks.

 

“Doesn’t mean anything…” Antonio grumbled, the three making their way outdoors. The street was, as usual for most any street in Taka, busy. Strange, oblong vehicles filled the road; traffic was a horrible issue in the country. Most countries chose to better themselves and leave a less damaging impact on the world before expanding, but Taka failed to think the same way. The nation, as a whole, valued quantity over quality, and used environmentally unfriendly vehicles that wasted more energy than they used and spewed noxious gas into the air. The three walked across the street, the cars stuck at a red light a mile down the street at the nearest intersection. Climbing the ladder located outside of another building, the three got to the rooftop, looking around.

 

“There it is, guys,” Saviero began, the two turning to see him pointing to a large, metallic black object. It looked somewhat like a compound crossbow mounted atop a tripod with an orb for multidirectional rotation. “That’s the Artemis Shooter.”

 

“Okay, so it’s a superbow. What does it shoot?” Ciro asked, rolling his eyes when he heard the sound of vehicles colliding, only to be followed by arguing.

 

“It fires long-range missiles... Well, kinda; they explode above their target and leave a radioactive chemical shower large enough to wipe out an entire city. I heard they intend to use it only as a means of defense, but… They’ll probably end up taking it down to make something else.”

 

“Hey guys!” A new, feminine voice cheerily stated startling the three men. The trio whipped around, looking to see the young woman that greeted them. “Sorry for scaring you all. What’s going on?” The petite girl said, hazel eyes showing a somewhat energetic personality. Her blonde hair stopped at her shoulders. “Like my shirt?”

 

“Sure, Kate, your shirt is fine. We were looking at the Artemis Shooter. What’s with you?” Saviero replied, his friends snickering behind him.

 

“Nothing; I’m about to go to Pankuda and see what’s going on over there. Just saw you idiots about to jump off a rooftop and decided to say hi.” Kate smiled, turning around. “See you guys later!”

 

The three watched Kate depart, Ciro and Antonio then looking to Saviero. “You like her, don’t you?”

 

“Kate? No! She’s like a sister to me. A non-baby-eating non-monster sister, anyways. Besides, guys, I’ve got an idea. Screw having fun with the buildings; we should practice our parkour using the Artemis Shooter…”

 

“What? As much as a new challenge is fun to me, I don’t think messing around with a missile launcher is a good idea.”

 

“Shut up, Antonio. Nobody’s going to listen to you anymore; you have a crush on someone who’s thirty-four. Let’s go.”

 

The three, despite their eagerness to practice parkour, decided not to use their skills in going to the Artemis Shooter. Instead, they walked there on the sidewalk, noticing the armed guards that stood around the Shooter.

 

“Damn. How are we going to get up there? Looks like we can go back to your place…” Ciro sighed, looking to Saviero.

 

Antonio nudged the two with his elbow, then pointing atop the shooter. “Is that someone up there? It doesn’t look like a guard…”

 

The three crossed another clogged street, speaking to one of the guards.

 

“I don’t think so. I’ve seen you three running around; I’m not letting you atop this thing just for you to break something or kill us all." The man looked up, signaling for the other guards to do the same. One even began to climb the structure, looking up through the supporting frame. "See? Nothing. Just go-“

 

An explosion shook the ground, a car in flames. People exited their vehicles in panic and filled the sidewalks, running around, blinded by fear. The guards rushed towards the destroyed car, a voice heard from somewhere within the flaming debris. When they left, the trio decided to leave as well, running down the sidewalk. The ground shook again, even more violently this time, and the three turned around to see the Artemis Shooter glowing, a large missile blasting from the crossbow-like structure.

 

“What the hell! Someone’s fired the Artemis Shooter!”

 

“sheet! It looks like it’s going towards… Pankuda!”

 

 

 

I didn't save the chapter 1 I posted days ago that described Maria and had a different explanation of the Artemis Shooter, and I don't intend to rewrite it...