Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted June 18, 2010 Report Share Posted June 18, 2010 [spoiler=Characters]Characters Name: RinAge: 15Gender: FemaleAppearance: Beautiful, black hair, pigtails, AsianBackground: Daughter of scientists investigating the duel monster's world. She is the target of Dead Structure. A member of Club Underdog.Personality: Introvert, smug, rudeDeck(s): Machina Gadgets, QuickdrawDandyWarriorMonarchs, Fog Village, Flamvell Zombies, Max City Name: The boy with the messy hairAge: 10Gender: MaleAppearance: Messy hair, CaucasianBackground: A loudmouth who is also a child prodigy. He has multiple duel spirits who follow him around.Personality: Loud, immatureDeck(s): Ojamas, Frogs, Shapesnatch OTK Name: ArleneAge: 16Gender: FemaleAppearance: Blonde, CaucasianBackground: A member of Club Absolute. Openly homosexual, she's attracted to Rin.Personality: Decks: Lightsworn Chaos Name: AnchuuAge: 19Gender: MaleAppearance: Emo-lookingBackground: One of the 19 Card GeneralsPersonality: EmoDeck(s): DARK deck with Diabolos, King of the Abyss Name: MasaruAge: 17Gender: MaleAppearance: Tough guy-lookingBackground: A Duel Academy student. Member of Club Tough.Personality: ArrogantDeck(s): Backup Warrior Beatdown, Goblin Solidarity [spoiler=Duel 1: Rin]Duel 1: Rin Duel Monsters world... "You have no hope. Despair will come, and Diabolos will send you to Hell with the research team!" Rin's LP: 1900Anchuu's LP: 2200 Diabolos, King of the Abyss (2800/1000) towers over Rin, so as to stalk its prey. Spirit Reaper sits on Anchuu's field in Defense Position. Rin stares at the dragon, drawing her next card. "This turn, you die. I discard Dandylion to Special Summon Quickdraw Synchron (700/1400). Dandy's effect activates. It Special Summons 2 Fluff Tokens in Defense Position. I tune my 2 Level 1 Fluff Tokens with my Level 5 Quickdraw..." Rings of green light surround Sangan, stars cluster together, becoming a new monster, a Synchro Monster. "I Synchro Summon Nitro Warrior." Nitro Warrior (2800/1800) appears, it’s large, green muscular form forcing Diabolos to back away "Next, I'll activate Pot of Avarice. I select 5 monsters from my Graveyard, shuffle them into my deck, and then draw 2 cards." Rin shuffles Caius, Quickdraw, Dandy, Speed Warrior, and Ryko into her deck, and then draws 2 cards. "Now, I'll attack Diabolos with Nitro..." Nitro Warrior charges at Diabolos. "Both monsters have 2800 attack. You're just wasting your time. I'm going to kill you anyway..." Anchuu scoffs. "During a turn, in which I activate a Spell Card, Nitro Warrior gains 1000 attack during its next attack." Rin tells Anchuu. Thus, Nitro Warrior's attack rises to 3800, destroying Diabolos. Anchuu's life points drop to 1200. "I'm not done. When Nitro Warrior destroys a monster by battle, I can switch one of your face-up Defense Position monsters to Attack Position, and attack it with Nitro." Spirit Reaper switches to Attack Position (ATK 300), and Nitro Warrior attacks it, Anchuu's life points dropping to 0. Anchuu's body turns to black dust, leaving behind the Diabolos card. Rin picks it up, and sits down. The wind blows away Anchuu's remains. Rin looks at the cards left behind other Generals. Ocean Dragon Lord-Neo Daedalus, Vampire Genesis, Red-Eyes Darkness Dragon, Caius the Dark Monarch, Machina Fortress, and now, Diabolos, King of the Abyss. "Just 13 to go..." Rin says to herself. The next day. New Domino City's Duel Academy... Today is the first day of classes. The academy is a large place. Rin is already lost, and end up at a duel arena. A duel has just ended. A bulky, larger student towers over a smaller student. "You know the deal pay up. $300! Now!" The smaller student clings to his money "please. My mom will be mad at me." "Shut up and hand it over." The smaller student hands over the money. "NEXT!" The larger student yells. "HEY FATASS! I'LL PLAY FOR $600!" Rin yells from the stands. "Fatass? COME DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT MY FACE!" The large student shouts. The duel ring is set up. "I'll teach you some respect, freshman! No one insults Masaru the Titan!" Rin's LP: 8000Masaru's LP: 8000 It's Masaru's turn. "I'll set a monster and a card. Your turn." It's Rin's turn. "Since you control a monster, and I don't, I can Special Summon Cyber Dragon from my hand" Cyber Dragon appears in its serpent-like glory (2100/1600.) "Next, I'll summon Machina Gearframe" (1800/0) "Gearframe allows me to add 1 Machina from my deck to my hand" Rin searches her deck and chooses Machina Fortress. "I'll attack your face-down monster with Cyber Dragon." Cyber Dragon fires it laser breath at the face-down monster. It flips face-up, revealing itself to be Stone Statue of the Aztecs (300/2000). Stone Statue is destroyed. "Moron. I'll use my Trap. Broken Blocker! When one of my monsters who's defense is higher that it's attack is killed in battle, I can Special Summon 2 monsters with the same name from my deck" Thus, two Stone Statues are Special Summoned in face-up Defense Position. Rin looks at her hand. "I'll equip Gearframe to Cydra, and set a card. Your turn." It's Masaru's turn. "I'll play Card Destruction. We discard our hands, then draw cards equal to the cards we discarded." Masaru discards his hand, then draws 4 cards. Rin discards her hand, then draws 3 cards. "Since my field only has Defense Position monsters, I can Special Summon Backup Warrior" (2100/0) The heavily-armed soldier jumps from behind one of the Stone Statues. "Next, I'll equip Backup Warrior with United We Stand. He gets 800 ATK and DEF for each monster I control" (4500/2400.) "Backup Warrior! Mow down her Cyber Dragon! Bullet Hell!" Backup Warrior attacks Cyber Dragon. Gearframe, equipped to Cyber Dragon with it's own effect, is destroyed instead. Rin's LP: 4600 "No one can beat my Backup Combo! Your turn!" Masaru ends his turn. Rin draws. "I summon Black Gadget" (1600/800) "When Black Gadget is summoned, I can Special Summon a Gadget monster from my hand. So, I Special Summon Pink Gadget" (1500/1000) "When Pink Gadget is summoned, I can add 1 Gadget monster from my Deck to my hand." Rin searches her deck, and selects Blue Gadget. "I play Double Summon. During this turn, I can Normal Summon 1 extra time. I summon Blue Gadget" (500/400). Laughter erupts from Masaru's group. "Is this a joke?" Masaru scoffs. "Sure it is. Here's the punchline" Rin continues. "I tune my Level 4 Black Gadget with my Level 4 Pink Gadget" Green rings of light surround Black Gadget. "I Synchro Summon Gadjiltron Giant" (2500/2000) A large, white robot towers over Backup Warrior. "When Giant is Synchro Summoned, I can add 2 Gadgets from my Deck to my hand." Rin selects Red Gadget and Yellow Gadget from her deck. "Next, I activate Machine Duplication. By selecting 1 Machine-type monster I control with 500 or less attack, I can Special Summon 2 copies of that monster from my Deck. I select Blue Gadget." Two Blue Gadgets are Special Summoned to the field. "I tune my Level 8 Gadjiltron Giant with my Level 2 Blue Gadget" Green rings of light surround Gadjiltron Giant. "I Synchro Summon Gadjiltron Lion" (3000/2400.) Gadjiltron Lion's roar causes Backup Warrior to back away. "I tune my Level 10 Gadjiltron Lion with my Level 2 Blue Gadget" Green rings surround Gadjiltron Lion. "Synchro Summon! Gadjiltron Galaxy!" (3300/3000.) A giant, gear covered spaceship hovers over the field. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You wasted all your cards to summon...THAT?" Masaru laughs. "I use Galaxy's effect. Once per turn, I can Special Summon 1 Machine-type monster from my Graveyard. I'll Special Summon Gadjiltron Giant." Gadjiltron Giant returns to the field. "Next, I play Call of the Haunted to Special Summon Gadjiltron Lion" Gadjiltron Lion returns to the field with a loud roar. "Finally, I'll discard my Red and Yellow Gadgets to Special Summon Machina Fortress" (2500/1600.) "While Giant is on the field, all my Machine-type monsters get 200 ATK for every Gadget in my Graveyard. All of Rin's monsters get an ATK bonus... Gadgets in Graveyard: 8 (+1600 ATK)Blue Gadget x3Pink GadgetBlack GadgetRed GadgetYellow GadgetGreen Gadget (discarded by Card Destruction) Gadjiltron Galaxy (ATK 3300-->4900)Gadjiltron Lion (ATK 3000-->4600)Gadjiltron Giant (ATK 2500-->4100)Machina Fortress (ATK 2500-->4100)Cyber Dragon (ATK 2100-->3700) "No way! You gotta be cheating!" Masaru shouts in disbelief. "No cheating here. Cyber Dragon destroys your Stone Statue. Cyber Dragon incinerates Stone Statue. "Machina Fortress destroys your second Statue" Fortress blows the second Statue apart. Backup Warrior's ATK drops to 2900. "Galaxy destroys your Backup Warrior." Galaxy's laser slices Backup Warrior apart. Masaru's LP: 6000 "Gadjiltron Lion and Giant attack you directly!" Masaru's LP: 0 Masaru is traumatized. "Pay up" Rin orders. Two students, a boy and a girl, watch from afar. "She'll make a great member, yes?" The girl asks... [spoiler=Duel 2: Club Heart of the Cards]Duel 2: Club Heart of the Cards Today's a rainy day... "Hey Rin!" Calls a boy with crazy hair. Rin turns around. "What do you want? I don't have any money." "Great job kicking Masaru's ass the other day." "Yeah, thanks" Rin responds coldly. "What club are you in?" The boy asks. "Club?" Rin responds. "This Duel Academy requires you to be in a club. You haven't joined one?" The boy asks. Jesus...Rin thinks to herself. "You better choose one before the principal assigns you to one." The boy says, then leaves. The next day...it rains even more... The principal's office is a large place with a dull, gray atmosphere. It feels really cold. "Excuse me, principal?" Rin says. The principal looks up. The principal replys with a cold "yes?" "I'm here about this club thing?" "A week after school started, you now decide you're going to choose a club? I've chosen one for you." The principal writes a room number on a piece of paper, and hands it to Rin. "There. Go." Rin leaves, nervous. Did he know I was coming or something? She thinks to herself. Rin arrives at the room where her club...it's horrible. Cards all over the place. Students are dueling...with terrible cards like Steel Ogre Grotto #1, Mountain, and Sparks. Then, the banner...colored poorly with crayons, through the poorly written letters, it appears to say "Club Heart of the Cards. Nothing but classic Duel Monsters action! Let's play for fun! Believe in yourself." "Hi there, fellow duelist!" A member calls to Rin. Rin is horrified. "What the hell is this?" Rin looks at another student Special Summoning Larvae Moth, his opponent controlling a Boar Soldier. This is...a cesspool for noobs. Rin thinks to herself. A member walks up to Rin. "Hi! I'm Shigeru! I'm the club leader! Are you Rin?" The guy...looks like a real nerd. The acne is enough to make one blind. "Yes...I wish I wasn't right now..." Rin laments. "Primo! You came at the perfect time! We're having a tag-team duel with Club Success later today. Since you defeated that bully, Masaru, you've got some credibility!" "I also have $600 from that lardass." Rin smirks. "Primo! We'll teach Club Success to respect their decks, and their friends through the power of teamwork!" Shigeru exclaims. "Great..." Rin says unenthusiastically. At the duel arena... "Hey Rin! I'm Souta! I'll be your partner in this tag-team duel!" Rin looks at her partner. He looks like a wimp. "Ladies and gentleman, welcome to today's tag-team duel!" The announcer declares. "To our left, we have Preston and Thurston of Team Success" The audience boos. "I say Thurston old boy, clean your monocle. I can see the filth from here" Preston says to Thurston. "Jeeves! Replace my monocle! Now!" Thurston orders. "Sir, the duel is about to start." Jeeves replies. "Jeeves, old chap. If I wanted your opinion, I'd deduct your pay and tell you what it is. Monocle! Now! Chop! Chop!" Thurston commands. The announcer is puzzled. "Right...well, to our right, we have Rin and Souta from Club Heart of the Cards." The audience is divided between cheers and boos. Rin raises her middle fingers at the audience. "What're you doing?!" Souta asks. "Telling the audience to go fu-" "Alright! Duelists!" The announcer coutinues. "The rules are...each team has 1 set of 8000 Life Points, both team members share the same field." "Ladies and gentleman...LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO DUELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!" Rin/Souta's LP: 8000Preston/Thurston: 8000 "It's my turn!" Souta declares. "I summon Water Omotics in attack mode!" (1400/1200.) Water Omotics appears, in her naked glory, holding a jar of water. "I'll throw down a face-down, and end my turn." He brought that crap vanilla to the duel?! Rin thinks to herself. "My turn is now, old chap!" Preston declares. "I summon White Magician Pikeru" (1200/0.) Pikeru appears, with her sheep hat and magic wand. "Not so fast! I activate Ultimate Offering!" Souta declares. "By paying 500 life points, I can Normal Summon or Set a monster! I Tribute Water Omotics to summon Spikebot!" (1800/1700.) Spikebot appears, a robot with spiked balls for hands, chains for arms. Rin/Souta's LP: 7500 Laughter fills the arena. "You wasted 500 life points to summon...THAT!?!" Rin shouts. "But, it's a radical-looking monster." Souta argues. "Silly boy." Preston continues. "I equip Pikeru with Trial of the Princesses. Pikeru gains 800 attack!" (ATK 2000) "Oh no!" says Souta. "Pikeru! White Magic!" Pikeru destroys Spikebot with a blast of white magic. Rin/Souta's LP: 7300 "I'm not done! With a Pikeru equipped with Trial of the Princesses destroys a monster by battle, I Tribute it to Special Summon Princess Pikeru!" Preston says. "Way to go, old boy!" Thurston exclaims. "Show yourself! Princess Pikeru!" (2000/0.) Princess Pikeru appears, as her name suggests, she is the image of royalty, her magic staff now a scepter, accompanied by a servant. "I activate Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy Ultimate Offering!" Ultimate Offering is destroyed. Rin and Souta's field is empty. "Princess Pikeru! Attack directly! Royal White!" Pikeru attacks Rin and Souta directly with light only fitting for royallty. Rin/Souta's LP: 5300 "I activate the effect of Gorz the Emissary of Darkness!" Rin declares. "When I take damage while I control no cards, I can Special Summon Gorz from my hand!" (2700/2500) Gorz appears. A dark warrior with spiky hair, blades on his arms, a giant sword at his waist. The audience is amazed. "Woah! That's so cool!" Souta shouts with excitement. "Gorz has another effect; One that depends on the type of damage I took. Since I took Battle Damage, I can Special Summon an Emissary of Darkness Token whose attack and defense are equal to the damage I took" (2000/2000) The Emissary of Darkness Token appears, a beautiful warrior of light, as if the foil to Gorz's darker appearance. "Not exceptional, old boy. Not exceptional. My turn is over" Preston laments. "My turn" Rin declares. "I activate Trade-In. By discarding a Level 8 monster, I draw 2 cards." Rin discards Tytannial, Princess of Camellias and draws 2 cards. "I summon Lonefire Blossom." (500/1400) Lone appears, a fiery flower ready to blossom. "I use Lonefire's effect. By Tributing a Plant-type monster, I can Special Summon 1 Plant-type monster from my deck. I Tribute Lonefire to Special Summon the Gemini monster, Gigaplant!" Lonefire blossoms and explodes into fiery petals. Through the petals appears Gigaplant (2400/1200.) A massive, plant beast with mantis-like arms and a giant mouth. "Another powerful monster?!" Thurston shrieks. "I equip Gigaplant with Supervise. It gives Gigaplant it's effect." Gigaplant is surrounded by magical fire. "I use Gigaplant's effect. I can Special Summon a Plant-type monster from my hand or Graveyard. I Special Summon Tytannial, Princess of Camellias from Graveyard" (2800/2600.) Tytannial appears, her beauty graces the field. The audience is amazed. There are now 4 monsters on Rin and Souta's field. "Gorz destroys Princess Pikeru!" Rin commands. Gorz slices Pikeru in half with his sword. Preston/Thurston's LP: 7300 "Gigaplant, Tytannial, and Emissary of Darkness will all attack directly!" Rin's monsters storm Preston and Thurston's field, laying devastation. Preston/Thurston's LP: 100 "Your turn." "That is not how a lady should act!" Thurston yells "Preston! We're done here! Jeeves! Start the car!" The duel ends. The two members of Team Success leave in disgust. "Uhhh...well, this was unexpected. Team Heart of the Cards is the winner!" The audience divides between cheers and boos. "We won! Awesome! We won! Good job, Rin!" Souta shouts gleefully. "Yeah...'we' did..." Rin says sarcastically. Back at the club room... "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, RIN! YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN US?!?" Shigeru screams. "What're you talking about?" Rin asks. "You practically overshadowed Souta with your showboating! And your use of 'I!' There's no 'I' in team!" "I play to win. Either get with the program, or let me play alone. I'm not going to drag around a noob who wants recognition for running a crappy deck!" Rin replies. Shigeru's face is red with anger "SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR GODDAMN ELITIST MOUTH! I'M SICK OF YOU PEOPLE PLAYING TO COMPETE OVER THE FUN OF THE GAME! YOU'VE NEVER BUILD A DECK WITH YOUR HEART AND SOUL LIKE I DO EVERYDAY, DON'T YOU?!? IF YOU CAN'T PUT A LITTLE FAITH INTO THE LUCK OF THE DRAW, THEN YOU'RE NOT A TRUE DUELIST!!! YOU'RE A GODDAMN FRAUD!!!" "Right..." Rin says with a grin. In the principal's office... "Yes sir?" Asks a mysterious figure. "I called you for a special mission" the principal replies. "Which is?" "That new student, Rin. She's here at this academy specifically for a reason. I think she suspects something about this school's connection to Duel Monsters world. I want you specifically because I know she killed 5 of your classmates so far..." "Oh! I want her to taste a pain that Hell could never deliver! Rest assured, I'll defeat her, then my magicians will feast on her soul... [spoiler=Duel 3: Magician's Night] Duel 3: Magician's Night A clear day today at Duel Academy... At the Club Heart of the Cards club room, Rin can still smell the scent of failure emanating from her fellow members. To her left, a member shows his deck to another member. Among the cards are: Avian, Winged Kuriboh, Bubbleman, Feather Shot, Bladedge, and Hero Heart. To her right, another member shows off her deck. Among the cards are: Petit Moth, Cocoon of Evolution, Larvae Moth, Great Moth, Perfectly Ultimate Great Moth, and Magic Cylinder. Shigeru walks in. "Hey guys! I got us another tag-team match today!" "Cool! With who?" One member asks. "With Club Thunder Balls." "Will Rin be playing again? She REALLY kicked Club Success' butt!" Shigeru gives a Rin a cold stare. "No. It'd be fun if this duel lasted more than 3 turns. Shun and Chisato will play." "Yeah! Let's kick butt with Sorcerer of Dark Magic!" Shun exclaims. "Not if my Wall Shadow hits the field first!" Chisato responds. Shigeru turns to Rin. "Rin. We need to talk." Shigeru leaves the room, and Rin follows. "I would appreciate it if you didn't show yourself at the arena during the duel." "Why?" Rin asks. "The point of the club is to have fun, and your competitive image is ruining ours. Just be somewhere else and stop ruining my club." "You ruined your club when you approved of Chisato running Wall Shadow as a win condition." Shigeru is angry "just do what I say, OKAY?!?" "Whatever. It's better that I'm not around when the audience laughs you and your noob army out of the arena." Outside Duel Academy... "HELLO RIN!" calls the boy with the messy hair. "Yo." "So, how about that new deck you're working on?" The boy asks. "Nobody gets to look at my decks" Rin coldly responds. "Awww....I heard your club has another tag-team duel and you weren't invited." "Because I'm distorting the image of the club by not being a noob." The boy laughs. "Shigeru is a punk, and his club is a joke." A strange man walks up to Rin and the boy. The man speaks. "Excuse me, miss?" "What?" Rin asks. "Can you please come with me?" "Why should I? Are you FBI?" Rin asks. The man points at his car. Inside, one of Rin's club members is tied up. "If you don't come with me, I might decide to kill your friend...she's so young and tender...I might have fun before I do." Rin is nervous. She turns to the boy. "Get the hell out of here and tell someone what happened. Do it now!" "What about you?" The boy asks. "I'm going with him. You go and tell a teacher what happened!" The boy runs back into the school and Rin follows the man into car. The man releases the kidnapped girl. The car drives off. Night falls. There's silence in the car. The man stares at Rin. "Are you a virgin?" The man asks. "Why does that matter?" Rin asks. "Those 5 men you killed...they were virgins." The man answers. "I don't see the connection to be relevant." "You're so beautiful...I wonder if they wanted you as you killed them in cold blood, and took their cards. Bosco, Sloan, Gregory, Tepes, Louis, and Anchuu. I can still hear they're screams now, from the fires of Hell." "You were they're friends?" Rin asks. "I WAS THEIR TEACHER!" The man shouts. The car stops. "Get out." The man orders. This place they've arrived at...is a hellish place. Pentagrams, skeletons, and dead bodies so fresh...covered in maggots. "Just so you know Rin...I'm a member of Dead Structure...Professor Edward Frazer" Frazer equips his Duel Disk. "Now, let the circus of pain commence!" Rin selects her deck and equips her Duel Disk. "DUEL!" Rin's LP: 8000Frazer's LP: 8000 It's Rin's turn. "I summon Neos Alius." (1900/1300.) Elemental Hero Neos Alius appears. A white warrior, with big eyes, and an alien-like appearance. "I set a card. Your turn." It's Frazer's turn. "I summon Elemental Hero Prisma" (1700/1100.) Prisma appears. A crystal-like warrior with wings. "I use Prisma's effect. By revealing 1 Fusion Monster in my Extra Deck, I can send 1 monster from my Deck to the Graveyard, and Prisma is treated as the sent monster. I reveal Dark Paladin and send Dark Magician to the Graveyard. Prisma is now treated as the Dark Magician." Reflections of the Dark Magician appear of Prisma's wings. "I Tribute Dark Magician to Special Summon Dark Eradicator Warlock" (2500/2100.) Dark Eradicator Warlock appears. Blue skin, red armor, a blue-violet cape, and a large magical staff. "I activate Tremendous Fire. You take 1000 damage, and I take 500 damage" Hellish fire surrounds Rin and Frazer. Rin's LP: 7000Frazer's LP: 7500 "Eradicator's effect activates. Each time a Normal Spell Card is activated, you take 1000 damage." Eradicator fires a blast of black magic at Rin. Rin's LP: 6000 "Eradicator destroys Neos Alius" Eradictor shoots a bolt of darkness at Neos Alius, vaporizing him. Rin's LP: 5400 "It's your turn." Frazer ends his turn. It's Rin's turn. "I set a monster. Your turn." It's Frazer's turn. "I activate Dark Magic Curtain. By paying half of my Life Points, I can Special Summon a Dark Magician from my deck." Frazer's LP: 3750 Dark Magician appears (2500/2100.) Blue armor with red stripes, blue skin, blonde hair, and a magic staff to match the armor is style. "Dark Magician attacks your face-down monster. Black Magic!" Dark Magician shoots a ball of blue magic at Rin's face-down monster. The face-down monster is Max Warrior (1800/800.) Max Warrior is destroyed. "Eradictor attacks directly! Magical Execution!" Eradicator shoots a ball of maroon magic at Rin. Rin's LP: 2900 The ghosts of the defeated Dead Structure members gather around Rin. "YOU'LL DIE! YOU'LL DIE! YOU'LL DIE!" Bosco shouts. "IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER!" Sloan screeches. "THERE'S NO HOPE! NO HOPE! NO HOPE!" Gregory roars. "GIVE UP! YOU'RE NOTHING!" Tepes shouts. "YOUR DEAD! YOUR DEAD! YOUR DEAD!" Louis hollers. "HE'LL KILL YOU!!" Anchuu screams. Rin stares through the ghosts, at Frazer. The ghosts disappear. "You're that heartless?" Frazer asks. "You're the one who's going to die" Rin coldly responds. It's Rin's turn. "I activate Brain Control. By paying 800 Life Points, I can take one of your monsters for the rest of this turn. I select you Eradicator" Rin's LP: 2100 "Because of Eradicator's effect, you take 1000 damage" Frazer tells Rin. Eradicator shoots a ball of purple magic at Rin. Rin's LP: 1100 Eradictor is under Rin's control. "Next, I play Miracle Fusion. By removing monsters on my field or graveyard from play listed on an Elemental Hero Fusion monster, I can Fusion Summon that monster. I removed Neos Alius and Max Warrior from play to Fusion Summon Elemental Hero Great Tornado" (2800/2200) Great Tornado appears. Green, gold, and white armor, wearing a dark brown cloak. "Since Miracle Fusion was a Normal Spell, you take 1000 damage from Eradicator's effect." Eradicator shoots a ball of purple magic at Frazer. Frazer's LP: 2750 "Great Tornado's effect activates." Rin continues. "It cuts all monsters you control in half." Great Tornado's storm winds push back Dark Magician (ATK 2500-->1250.) "Great Tornado destroys Dark Magician" Great Tornado throws a tornado at Dark Magician, ripping him apart. Frazer's LP: 1200 "Eradicator attacks directly." Eradicator attacks Frazer, defeating him. Frazer's LP: 0 Frazer's body begins to blacken and melt. A pentagram glows in his chest. "Damn you! I sold my soul just to kill you, and now, I'm the one who dies. Damn!" Frazer's body is reduced to black ooze, with the Dark Eradicator Warlock card now in Rin's hand. "Congratulations, Rin. You've killed another one." A mysterious voice calls to her. "Who are you?" Rin asks. "Remember. Kill the other Dead Structure members. That's your purpose in this game." The mysterious person leaves. "Game?" The "Game" continues... [spoiler=Duel 4: Club Absolute]Duel 4: Club Absolute It's a sunny day at Duel Academy... In the Club Heart of the cards club room... "Hey, guys! It's Club Absolute!" One club member yells. The other club members gather around. Club Absolute members walk into the room. Shigeru walks towards their leader. "C-C-Can we help you, Boss Commander?" Boss Commander towers over Shigeru, sporting a helmet with antlers and a platypus beak on the front of the helmet. "Yeah." Boss Commander continues. "We requested a club change with one of your members." Shigeru is terrified. "W-Who?" Boss Commander raises his hand, and points behind. Shigeru turns around to see who Commander is pointing at...it's Rin. The room becomes cold. "Rin?" Several HotC members talk amongst themselves. "The duel takes place tomorrow. She'll be dueling our top female, Arlene. If Rin loses, she joins our club." Commander says. "But, Rin is..." Shigeru begins. "The Boss has spoken." Boss Commander says. "Now, the Boss is hungry for chicken wings." Boss Commander and Club Absolute leaves. The room remains cold. The members are all quiet. Rin breaks the silence. "So...you people are afraid of a guy who wears a platypus hat with antlers?" Rin asks. "Rin...that's not funny!" Shigeru continues. "IT'S NOT FUNNY DAMMIT!" Shigeru knocks some cards off a desk, onto the floor. "Club Absolute sees talented duelists, then waltzes in and takes them from other clubs, like ours, and then, they just stomp out the other clubs at competitions! I tried to get rid of the club change duels, but the principal blows me off...and now, they're attacking our club, taking away our talent..." A member steps forward. "But, Shigeru...if we work hard, we can win-" "WIN WHAT?! NONE OF YOU CAN WIN! YOU DON'T HAVE THE HEART OF THE CARDS!" Shigeru screams. "Ever thought of using real strategy over luck?" Rin asks. "DUEL MONSTERS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN! AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND CLUB ABSOLUTE TAKE ALL THE FUN OUT OF IT BY MAKING ALL THESE QUICK AND EASY WAYS TO CRUSH YOUR OPPONENT! WHAT GOOD IS COMPLEX STRATEGY WHEN IT TAKES AWAY FROM PLAYING AND HAVING A GOOD TIME?" "It's how I survive." Rin responds. She gets up and leaves. At the Club Absolute room... "This is some mean chicken!" Boss Commander exclaims. "Oh yeah, a toast! To Arlene!" Boss Commander raises his cup of soda. The other members, confused, raise their cups. "A toast to Arlene! For bringing us victory tomorrow and for bringing us a new member!" "You know I haven't won yet, right?" Arlene asks. "But you will." Commander responds. "In that case, can I have a spicy wing?" "No. But you can indulge in this tub of mac n' cheese" Commander hands Arlene the container. "Yuck! A lot of calories!" Arlene exclaims. "Eat it. We'll burn some calories tonight." Commander jokes. Arlene blushes. "You pig." She takes his spork. The next day...at the duel arena... Rin walks towards the dueling field. Shigeru stares at her coldly. "Hey Arlene!" Arlene turns around. "What Mikhail?" "Why'd you want Rin to join us?" Mikhail asks. "Come closer." Says Arlene. Mikhail comes closer. Arlene whispers into his ear. "She's my type." Mikhail is shocked. Arlene approaches the dueling field. "LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!" The announcer continues. "TODAY, WE HAVE A CLUB CHANGE DUEL! TO THE LEFT, WE HAVE THE CHALLENGER, ARLENE!" The audience cheers as Arlene blows kisses. "TO THE RIGHT, WE HAVE THE OPPONENT, RIN!" The audience boos as Rin waves her middle fingers at the audience. "THE RULES FOR A CLUB CHANGE DUEL ARE...IF RIN WINS, SHE CONTINUES TO LOSES, SHE MUST LEAVE CLUB HEART OF THE CARDS AND JOIN CLUB ABSOLUTE!" Rin and Arlene set up their duel disks. "Ladies and gentleman...LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO DUELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!" Rin's LP: 8000Arlene's LP: 8000 "I'll go first." Arlene proclaims. Rin is fine with it and nods. It's Arlene's turn. "I summon Jain, Lightsworn Paladin" (1800/1200.) Jain appears, clad in white armor, a shield to match, a white and red cape, and a shining sword. "I'll end my turn. Jain's effect activates. During my End Phases, mill 2 cards from the top of my deck." Arlene sends the top 2 cards on her deck to the Graveyard. "Why is she destroying her own deck?" Shigeru asks to himself. "I'm not done yet. I activate the effect of Wulf, Lightsworn Beast. When he is sent from my Deck to the Graveyard, I can Special Summon him." Wulf is Special Summoned (2100/300.) A humanoid wolf sporting white armor, a gold staff, and glowing claws. "Now, it's your turn." It's Rin's turn. "I play Brain Control. By paying 800 Life Points, I can take one of your monsters for the rest of the turn. I'm taking Wulf." Ghostly hands grab Wulf, causing him to walk over to Rin's field. Rin's LP: 7200 "Now, I summon Flamvell Magician." (1400/200.) Flamvell Magician appears. A red ponytail and goatee, armed with a fiery staff. "I tune my Level 4 Flamvell Magician with your Level 4 Wulf." Green rings surround Wulf's body. "I Synchro Summon Colossal Fighter" (2800/1000.) Colossal Fighter appears. A bronze giant with green visors, towering over Jain. "One..." Arlene says to herself. "Colossal attacks your Jain." Rin declares. Colossal Fighter raises his fist, and brings it down on Jain. "No, he doesn't. I remove Necro Gardna in my Graveyard from play to negate the attack." Necro Garnda's spirit appears, stopping Colossal Fighter's attack. "I'll set a card. Your turn." Rin ends her turn. It's Arlene's turn. "I activate Solar Recharge. By discarding a Lightsworn monster, I draw 2 cards, then mill 2." Arlene discards Celestia, Lightsworn Angel, draws 2 cards, then mills 2 cards. "Two...I set a monster and switch Jain to Defense Position." Jain crouches and raises his shield. I end my turn by milling 2 cards from my deck with Jain's effect." Arlene ends her turn. It's Rin's turn. "I summon Flamvell Firedog" (1900/200.) Firedog appears. A molten-textured dog with an red-orange glow. "Firedog destroys your face-down monster" Firedog attacks the face-down monster. It's Ryko, Lightsworn Hunter (200/100.) Ryko is destroyed. "Three...I use Ryko's effect. I can destroy 1 on the field, then mill 3 cards from my deck. I destroy Colossial Fighter." Ryko's spirit mauls Colossial Fighter, destroying it. Arlene mills 3 cards, among them is Garoth, Lightsworn Warrior. "Four..." Arlene says herself. "I use Firedog's effect. I can Special Summon FIRE 1 monster from my Deck with 200 or less defense. I Special Summon Flamvell Baby" (800/200.) Flamvell Baby appears. A fiery little child with a grin. "Now, I tune my Level 1 Flamvell Baby with my Level 4 Firedog." Green rings surround Firedog's body. "I Synchro Summon Ally of Justice Catastor" (2200/1200) Catastor appears. A spaceship with legs, and a laser cannon on it's back. "Your turn." Rin ends her turn. "I can't believe your actually fighting to avoid joining us." Arlene tells Rin. "What?" "Do you really want to pal around with those noobs." Arlene asks. Rin turns to her club members. "You're dragging those losers around, and Shigeru knows it. He looks down on us for being competitive because he can't play worth a damn. So, he lowers his standards, and screams about having fun and the heart of the cards to excuse his failure. He didn't let you compete the other day because he looks at you and sees the countless people who defeated him..." Shigeru gets out of his seat. "YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH! I'M TIRED OF YOU ELITISTS WALKING ALL OVER ME AND MY FRIENDS! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A HEARTLESS COWARD AFRAID OF LOSING!" "Last I checked Arlene, it was your turn." Says Rin. It's Arlene's turn. "It's here." Arlene grins. Rin is confused. "Because I have 4 Lightsworns with different names in my Graveyard, I can Special Summon Judgment Dragon" (3000/2600.) Judgment Dragon appears. A white dragon with angelic wings descends from the heavens and lands on the field. "When my Catastor battles a non-DARK monster, that monster is destroyed" Rin declares with a grin. "I use Judgment Dragon's effect. By paying 1000 Life Points, I destroy every card on the field except Judgment Dragon. Justice Bomber!" Judgement Dragon breathes light onto the field, destroying Jain, Catastor, and Rin's face-down card, Mirror Force. Rin is shocked. "Next, when I have exactly 3 DARK monsters in my Graveyard, I can Special Summon Dark Armed Dragon" (2800/1000.) Dark Armed Dragon takes to the field, a black, two-legged dragon covered in blades and spikes. "Next, I'll remove from play Sangan and Jain to Special Summon Chaos Sorcerer" (2300/2000.) Chaos Sorcerer appears. A blue-skinned man with a black costume and black, leather straps. Rin is stunned by her dramatic disadvantage. "All 3 monsters will you directly!" Shigeru has a meltdown. "NO! GODDAMMIT! IT'S ALL OVER!" "LIGHT-DARK DOUBLESHOT!" Chaos Sorcerer hurls balls of light and darkness at Rin. Rin's LP: 4900 "DARK PUNISHER!" Dark Armed Dragon punches Rin with it's spiked knuckles. Rin's LP: 2100 "JUSTICE CANNON!" Judgment Dragon attacks Rin with a blast of holy light. Rin's LP: 0 Club HotC is shocked. Shigeru is speechless. Rin has lost. The announcer approaches the dueling field. "AND ARLENE IS THE WINNER!" The audience cheers. "RIN IS NOW THE NEWEST MEMBER OF CLUB ABSOLUTE!" "This rush...is..." Rin tries to speak. "A rush of excitement. Because, this is the first duel you've truly enjoyed" Arlene says, extending her hand to Rin. "Come on...let's go." Rin looks back at Club Heart of the Cards, then back to Arlene. She smiles, and takes Arlene's hand. DUEL 4: END [spoiler=Duel 5: Shapesnatch?!?] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted June 18, 2010 Report Share Posted June 18, 2010 awesome. could use more monster description, and you did misuse call of the haunted (unless i missed something), but otherwise, very good. much better than many fics, and it shows signs that you are already considering how the story will progress, which is always good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted June 18, 2010 Report Share Posted June 18, 2010 Well, I realized that you wanted me to report on this, and I don't reel the need nor have the energy/sugar to review it in such a fashion. I really think that this is generically good. I mean, sure, it's great, but I don't feel like reading more as is. I think that the made-up cards were nice, and un-generically-cheap, but you REALLY needed some description in here of ANY kind. So um, yeah, keep going? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted June 19, 2010 Report Share Posted June 19, 2010 all this story really needs so far (as we haven't seen how the rest of the story will unfold) is the description that WR and i mentioned. describe any new place the characters arrive at, somehow. describe people and monsters, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted June 19, 2010 Report Share Posted June 19, 2010 And your faux-Japanese is horrible. Use real names, not random syllables or Babelfish'd items that sound good. Wikipedia can help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted June 19, 2010 Report Share Posted June 19, 2010 And your faux-Japanese is horrible. Use real names' date=' not random syllables or Babelfish'd items that sound good. Wikipedia can help.[/quote'] I got the names (minus Fran) from wiktionary...they're place holder names and I'll change them when I get a better name. I picked Iroiro because it (according to wiktionary) means "various," which matches the fact that she has various decks. I'm leaving Anchuu as is. He's a throwaway that got killed at the beginning anyways (these 19 bad guys permanently die when defeated.) Well' date=' I realized that you wanted me to report on this, and I don't reel the need nor have the energy/sugar to review it in such a fashion. I really think that this is generically good. I mean, sure, it's great, but I don't feel like reading more as is. I think that the made-up cards were nice, and un-generically-cheap, but you REALLY needed some description in here of ANY kind. So um, yeah, keep going?[/quote'] all this story really needs so far (as we haven't seen how the rest of the story will unfold) is the description that WR and i mentioned. describe any new place the characters arrive at' date=' somehow. describe people and monsters, etc.[/quote'] About the story, I'm admittedly making up stuff as I go for the most part rather than plan the entire story from finish like I normally do. A fun experiment, like a blind playthrough of a video game. I do have plans for the next 4 or chapters though. Suggestions taken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted June 19, 2010 Report Share Posted June 19, 2010 i'd be happy to help in any way i can. i can proofread or whatever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted June 19, 2010 Report Share Posted June 19, 2010 And your faux-Japanese is horrible. Use real names' date=' not random syllables or Babelfish'd items that sound good. Wikipedia can help.[/quote'] I got the names (minus Fran) from wiktionary...they're place holder names and I'll change them when I get a better name. I picked Iroiro because it (according to wiktionary) means "various," which matches the fact that she has various decks. I'm leaving Anchuu as is. He's a throwaway that got killed at the beginning anyways (these 19 bad guys permanently die when defeated.) Kay. If you want some help with picking better, more permanent ones, just PM me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted June 20, 2010 Report Share Posted June 20, 2010 CHAPTER 2 FINISHED! BUMP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted June 21, 2010 Report Share Posted June 21, 2010 Any thoughts on chapter 2? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted June 23, 2010 Report Share Posted June 23, 2010 CHAPTER 3 FINISHED! BUMP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted June 26, 2010 Report Share Posted June 26, 2010 CHAPTER 4 COMPLETED! BUMP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted June 30, 2010 Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted July 6, 2010 Report Share Posted July 6, 2010 Once upon a time, a man named Theodore Sturgeon observed that ninety percent of everything is trash. Nowhere is this more evident than in the world of Fan Fiction, where the majority of works are garbage, riddled with endless clichés, plot holes, and character derailments and totally lacking in any redeeming qualities. The remaining ten percent, however, is to die for, and occasionally there arises a tale that transcends the standard fare. These masterpieces rival or even surpass the original work itself in terms of quality. They feature original, clever, epic plots, with rounded and dynamic characters populating a well-developed world. The dialogue is realistic and enjoyable to read; when exposition is necessary, it is introduced at a sensible pace and keeps the reader immersed; the characters remain sensibly true to their canon characterizations and are not forced to act like idiots to develop the plot; and the overall experience is something that leaves the reader feeling simultaneously satisfied and hungry for more. And it goes without saying that these brilliant works are heavily proofread to ensure the eradication of any errors. This is not one of those stories. If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction. Having returned from my unnecessarily long absence from my studio, I am now ready to continue my noble work of decidedly not reading Chapter Characters. Let's jump straight to Chapter Duel 1. Duel 1: RinDuel 1: Rin Well, thanks for clearing that up. Duel Monsters world... I'm not losing any formatting in transition here; the announcement of the setting is a perfectly ordinary line formatted exactly like the rest of the story, even though it's clearly not a sentence. "You have no hope. Despair will come, I thought a lack of hope implied that despair had already come. and Diabolos will send you to Hell with the research team!" I'm sorry, I don't usually laugh out loud while reading these, but this line made me chuckle quietly to myself. Something about this string of generic doom words - "no hope", "despair", "Diabolos", "Hell" - being followed by a reference to a "research team" amuses me. The phrase "research team" has the power to turn any vaguely threatening statement into a joke. Rin's LP: 1900Anchuu's LP: 2200 Diabolos, King of the Abyss (2800/1000) towers over Rin, so as to stalk its prey. Why do you people always write fanfics in the present tense? No, seriously, why? I don't understand it at all. Anyhow, what's all this about stalking prey? It's a monster Summoned in a duel. Its "prey" is standing directly across from it, making no attempt to hide or escape. And it's not stalking it; it's standing still in its Monster Card Zone, and it's towering, which makes it clearly visible. When I stalk people, I make sure to hide in the shadows and not be see- wait, no! [PLEASE STAND BY - TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES] Spirit Reaper sits on Anchuu's field in Defense Position. Rin stares at the dragon, drawing her next card. "This turn, you die. I discard Dandylion to Special Summon Quickdraw Synchron (700/1400). Dandy's effect activates. It Special Summons 2 Fluff Tokens in Defense Position. I tune my 2 Level 1 Fluff Tokens with my Level 5 Quickdraw..." Rin is apparently a modern meta duelist from our world. Rings of green light surround Sangan, Wait, who? Sangan? What? Hell, I don't even know what a Sangan is either. No, I know what a Sangan is. I mean that Sangan isn't supposed to be here. He was never mentioned before. The Synchro Material Monsters are Quickdraw and the Fluff Tokens; no Sangan is involved. And if he were involved, the Level would be wrong. Look, when I tell you people to run your stories through the MSWord spellchecker, I'm not saying that that's all you need to do. I'm just saying that that's a starting point; it's not a substitute for actual proofreading. And there's no way you can possibly read this and not notice something like the wrong monster suddenly being mentioned out of nowhere. stars cluster together, becoming a new monster, a Synchro Monster. "I Synchro Summon Nitro Warrior." Nitro Warrior (2800/1800) appears, it’s large, green muscular form forcing Diabolos to back away "Next, Proofreading would also probably enable you to catch problems like the missing full-stop after "away" and the it's/its error. I can understand not wanting to read this story, since I don't want to read it either, but if even you, its author, don't want to read it, why would you expect the internet to want to read it? I'll activate Pot of Avarice. I select 5 monsters from my Graveyard, shuffle them into my deck, and then draw 2 cards." Rin shuffles Caius, Quickdraw, Dandy, Speed Warrior, and Ryko into her deck, and then draws 2 cards. Look at that list of monsters. This is deck is extremely modern and not even remotely anime-style... "Now, I'll attack Diabolos with Nitro..." Nitro Warrior charges at Diabolos. "Both monsters have 2800 attack. You're just wasting your time. I'm going to kill you anyway..." Anchuu scoffs. "During a turn, in which I activate a Spell Card, Nitro Warrior gains 1000 attack during its next attack." Rin tells Anchuu. Thus, Nitro Warrior's attack rises to 3800, destroying Diabolos. Anchuu's life points drop to 1200. ...but people in this universe still don't read card effects during duels for some reason, just like in the anime... "I'm not done. When Nitro Warrior destroys a monster by battle, I can switch one of your face-up Defense Position monsters to Attack Position, and attack it with Nitro." Spirit Reaper switches to Attack Position (ATK 300), and Nitro Warrior attacks it, Anchuu's life points dropping to 0. ...and neither did the author, apparently, since Spirit Reaper's self-destruct effect - which should have activated and killed it as soon as it was changed to Attack Position, preventing the killing attack - seems to have been forgotten. Anchuu's body turns to black dust, leaving behind the Diabolos card. Rin picks it up, and sits down. The wind blows away Anchuu's remains. Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. Actually, I just made that up. The author didn't think it was necessary to give us the slightest bit of description of either Anchuu or Rin. For all I know, Anchuu could be that horribly mutilated version of Anten that Pichu uses in his Not Actually Reviews. As such, we now have a case where the one-shot minor villain's disintegrated remains receive more description than the protagonist of the story. And the only description they receive is "BLACK DUST", so that's saying something. The only thing we know about Rin is that she's female, and even that we wouldn't know if it weren't for the way English's third-person pronouns vary with gender. Rin looks at the cards left behind other Generals. Ocean Dragon Lord-Neo Daedalus, Vampire Genesis, Red-Eyes Darkness Dragon, Caius the Dark Monarch, Machina Fortress, and now, Diabolos, King of the Abyss. "Just 13 to go..." Rin says to herself. Thirteen more!? Look, everyone hates it when professional shows pad things out with endless filler villains and collecting innumerable trinkets, and they only do it because they get paid for it. You're receiving no money for this, so why on earth would you waste everyone's time with this ridiculous padding and thus drive off the few readers you might have? I can't even think of any anime villains who had thirteen named henchmen. When your story has more filler than the actual anime, something is extremely wrong. In fact, when your story has filler, something is extremely wrong. The next day. New Domino City's Duel Academy... Today is the first day of classes. So much of this story was just Rin narrating her moves that I'd actually forgotten this story was doing that stupid present-tense thing for absolutely no reason. Why does YCM think that's the best way to write? Has nobody here read a book!? The academy is a large place. QUALITY Rin is already lost, and end up at a duel arena. PROOFREADING A duel has just ended. A bulky, larger student towers over a smaller student. The bulky student is clearly towering over the smaller student because he's stalking him. Incidentally, BULKY and SMALLER are still more description than Rin and her Anchuu adversary ever received. "You know the deal pay up. $300! Now!" The smaller student clings to his money "please. My mom will be mad at me." "Shut up and hand it over." The smaller student hands over the money. "NEXT!" The larger student yells. "HEY FATASS! I'LL PLAY FOR $600!" Rin yells from the stands. The intended effect here is obvious: Bulkyguy is supposed to be a bully, Smallerguy is his poor victim, and Rin is the hero who swoops in to defeat the bully and save the poor victim. But that's not how this scene looks to me at all. From what we've seen - which, bear in mind, is also what Rin has seen - Bulkyguy beat Smallerguy in a duel and then took the $300 (not yen? Aren't we in Japan?) that had been wagered, as per their agreement. So, Bulkyguy's crime here is, uh, making Smallerguy hold up his end of the deal they made and actually pay the money he wagered. Sure, Smallerguy doesn't want to pay because his mother will be mad, but maybe he shouldn't have wagered three hundred dollars that he wasn't prepared to lose. And this is in plain sight in the middle of an official Academy duel arena; it's not like Smallerguy was ambushed by a bunch of Steves in a dark alleyway and forced into this illegal underground duel that he wanted to avoid. But we all know Big Guy = Evil and Small Guy = Good, so we're supposed to sympathize with Smallerguy anyhow. "Fatass? COME DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT MY FACE!" The large student shouts. The duel ring is set up. "I'll teach you some respect, freshman! No one insults Masaru the Titan!" And we're supposed to support Rin for randomly insulting Bulkyguy, who she never saw do any wrong, and oppose Bulkyguy for, uh, being offended when someone comes out of nowhere and randomly insults him. Based on how accurate the author's moral compass has been so far, maybe Anchuu was a good guy too. Rin's LP: 8000Masaru's LP: 8000 Ah, that's right. We've got more realistic duels here, so a full 8000 LP are used. It's Masaru's turn. "I'll set a monster and a card. Your turn." It's Rin's turn. "Since you control a monster, and I don't, I can Special Summon Cyber Dragon from my hand" Cyber Dragon appears in its serpent-like glory (2100/1600.) "Next, I'll summon Machina Gearframe" (1800/0) "Gearframe allows me to add 1 Machina from my deck to my hand" Rin searches her deck and chooses Machina Fortress. "I'll attack your face-down monster with Cyber Dragon." Cyber Dragon fires it laser breath at the face-down monster. It flips face-up, revealing itself to be Stone Statue of the Aztecs (300/2000). Stone Statue is destroyed. "Moron. I'll use my Trap. Broken Blocker! When one of my monsters who's defense is higher that it's attack is killed in battle, I can Special Summon 2 monsters with the same name from my deck" Thus, two Stone Statues are Special Summoned in face-up Defense Position. Just like the last duel, boring stuff happens, full-stops are missing, and it's/its errors are made. Rin looks at her hand. "I'll equip Gearframe to Cydra, and set a card. Your turn." It's Masaru's turn. "I'll play Card Destruction. We discard our hands, then draw cards equal to the cards we discarded." Masaru discards his hand, then draws 4 cards. Rin discards her hand, then draws 3 cards. Thanks for stating the numbers of cards in as many sentences as possible. It probably wasn't even necessary to state the numbers, since any idiot who passed first grade arithmetic could tell you how many cards were in each of their han- what's this? Rin started her turn with six cards. She played two of them, then used one of the played cards to add a new card to her hand, then set one card. That makes four. According to my calculations, four is not equal to three. "Since my field only has Defense Position monsters, I can Special Summon Backup Warrior" (2100/0) The heavily-armed soldier jumps from behind one of the Stone Statues. "Next, I'll equip Backup Warrior with United We Stand. He gets 800 ATK and DEF for each monster I control" (4500/2400.) "Backup Warrior! Mow down her Cyber Dragon! Bullet Hell!" Backup Warrior attacks Cyber Dragon. Gearframe, equipped to Cyber Dragon with it's own effect, is destroyed instead. Rin's LP: 4600 4500-2100=2400 damage dealt. 8000-4600=3400 damage taken. Even the author is too bored with this duel to bother having the slightest idea what's going on in it. "No one can beat my Backup Combo! Your turn!" Masaru ends his turn. Rin: "Maybe that's because you're cheating?"Masaru: "Shhh!" Rin draws. "I summon Black Gadget" (1600/800) "When Black Gadget is summoned, I can Special Summon a Gadget monster from my hand. So, I Special Summon Pink Gadget" (1500/1000) "When Pink Gadget is summoned, I can add 1 Gadget monster from my Deck to my hand." You can't have people running reality-style Quickdraw decks and then give them broken original cards like Pink Gadget. Rin searches her deck, and selects Blue Gadget. "I play Double Summon. During this turn, I can Normal Summon 1 extra time. I summon Blue Gadget" (500/400). Laughter erupts from Masaru's group. Since when does Masaru have a group? Nothing of the sort was even mentioned before! Is this a joke? "Is this a joke?" Masaru scoffs. It's official. Masaru is the most sympathetic character in this story. "Sure it is. Here's the punchline" Rin continues. "I tune my Level 4 Black Gadget with my Level 4 Pink Gadget" Green rings of light surround Black Gadget. "I Synchro Summon Gadjiltron Giant" (2500/2000) A large, white robot towers over Backup Warrior. "When Giant is Synchro Summoned, I can add 2 Gadgets from my Deck to my hand." Rin selects Red Gadget and Yellow Gadget from her deck. "Next, I activate Machine Duplication. By selecting 1 Machine-type monster I control with 500 or less attack, I can Special Summon 2 copies of that monster from my Deck. I select Blue Gadget." Two Blue Gadgets are Special Summoned to the field. "I tune my Level 8 Gadjiltron Giant with my Level 2 Blue Gadget" Green rings of light surround Gadjiltron Giant. "I Synchro Summon Gadjiltron Lion" (3000/2400.) Gadjiltron Lion's roar causes Backup Warrior to back away. "I tune my Level 10 Gadjiltron Lion with my Level 2 Blue Gadget" Green rings surround Gadjiltron Lion. "Synchro Summon! Gadjiltron Galaxy!" (3300/3000.) A giant, gear covered spaceship hovers over the field. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You wasted all your cards to summon...THAT?" Masaru laughs. Why exactly would anyone laugh at the opponent pulling out a 3300/3000 Level 12 giant spaceship? "I use Galaxy's effect. Once per turn, I can Special Summon 1 Machine-type monster from my Graveyard. I'll Special Summon Gadjiltron Giant." Gadjiltron Giant returns to the field. "Next, I play Call of the Haunted You can't; you're out of cards. You can't possibly have a Call of the Haunted available. to Special Summon Gadjiltron Lion" Gadjiltron Lion returns to the field with a loud roar. "Finally, I'll discard my Red and Yellow Gadgets to Special Summon Machina Fortress" (2500/1600.) "While Giant is on the field, all my Machine-type monsters get 200 ATK for every Gadget in my Graveyard. All of Rin's monsters get an ATK bonus... Gadgets in Graveyard: 8 (+1600 ATK)Blue Gadget x3Pink GadgetBlack GadgetRed GadgetYellow GadgetGreen Gadget (discarded by Card Destruction) Gadjiltron Galaxy (ATK 3300-->4900)Gadjiltron Lion (ATK 3000-->4600)Gadjiltron Giant (ATK 2500-->4100)Machina Fortress (ATK 2500-->4100)Cyber Dragon (ATK 2100-->3700) "No way! You gotta be cheating!" Masaru shouts in disbelief. "No cheating here. There's nothing but cheating here. At least this was a bit more interesting than the first duel - and I know why that's the case. Everyone, myself not excepted, makes fun of anime characters for their terrible decks that are fueled by the power of the author stacking the deck. But that's what makes the anime almost watchable. Real duels are less interesting to watch, and if I did want to watch one, I'd watch a real duel; I wouldn't bother reading a story someone wrote that attempts to simulate a real duel. Besides, having the main character run a real-life meta deck raises all sorts of issues. If the main character uses modern meta decks, why do others use nonsense like Stone Statue of the Aztecs and Diabolos? Is the protagonist the only one who can afford cards like Quickdraw Synchron, and thus wins by virtue of being the richest? Is every single other person in the universe too stupid to make a deck that real-life ten-year-olds can construct? Do the others benefit from some sort of Heart of the Cards advantage that makes their non-meta decks work? And if so, does the protagonist do so as well, and thus win because a stacked meta deck beats a stacked bad deck? Or is the protagonist too evil to benefit from the Heart of the Cards, and thus needs to make up for it with actual decent decks? Given how terrible the meta generally is, why does anyone play such a broken game? In the end, fanfic duels really have to exist for the spectacle. What we really need to see is not nerds running generic realistic decks but people like Dan Green pulling off ridiculous but flashy combos and hamming it up. I mean, fanfic duels are always boring, but at least showy ones are somewhat less so. Cyber Dragon destroys your Stone Statue. Cyber Dragon incinerates Stone Statue. "Machina Fortress destroys your second Statue" Fortress blows the second Statue apart. Backup Warrior's ATK drops to 2900. "Galaxy destroys your Backup Warrior." Galaxy's laser slices Backup Warrior apart. Masaru's LP: 6000 "Gadjiltron Lion and Giant attack you directly!" Masaru's LP: 0 There were approximately three paragraphs of content in this chapter that weren't just people announcing their moves in card games. Compare that to the overall length of this chapter - I got too disinterested to even comment properly on a lot of the dueling stuff, since there's not much to say - and you'll see that something is very wrong here. Masaru is traumatized. Rin is the sort of protagonist who traumatizes random people. "Pay up" Rin orders. Hold it! We established earlier that forcing people to pay up what they wagered is somehow morally wrong! Two students, a boy and a girl, watch from afar. "She'll make a great member, yes?" The girl asks... And so we come to this chapter's end to find a twist ending. No, I'm not talking about these two random we saw people saying vague things. I'm talking about what we surprisingly didn't see. We've all seen this scene a thousand times in all sorts of stories - including very frequently in the Yu-Gi-Oh! anime itself. And we all know how it's supposed to work: The Hero comes across The Bully and The Victim. The Bully beats The Victim - either in a competition or physically with fists - and takes The Stuff. The Hero challenges The Bully for The Stuff, wins, and returns The Stuff to The Victim. It's always the same old song. That's how it always plays out. But that's not what happens here. Rin never gives $300 back to Smallerguy - she keeps the whole $600 for herself. She didn't do this out of any sense of honour or duty or anything of the sort - she saw some innocent kid she thought she could beat, taunted him to get him to duel her, and then took his money, just because she could. Not pictured: Smallerguy. And it's not like she returns the money at the start of Chapter Duel 2 either. I peeked ahead, just to make sure. Duel 2 opens after a brief time skip in a completely different scene, with Smallerguy nowhere in sight. This is our protagonist. And this confirms what I suspected before: our protagonist is a git. What a lovely note on which to wrap up the review. The complete lack of description of anything was certainly the author not having a clue how to write, but I did start to wonder whether the author had described the characters in Chapter Duel Characters and expected us to read that nonsense before turning to the actual story, so I went out of my way to actually check out that section to see if the author actually had a brilliant description too awesome to be contained in the actual story. Here's what I found: Name: RinAge: 15Gender: FemaleAppearance: Beautiful, black hair, pigtails, AsianBackground: Daughter of scientists investigating the duel monster's world. She is the target of Dead Structure. A member of Club Underdog.Personality: Introvert, smug, rudeDeck(s): Machina Gadgets, QuickdrawDandyWarriorMonarchs, Fog Village, Flamvell Zombies, Max City This is the entire entry on our protagonist; I didn't omit anything. You know how I make fun of stories by saying that their descriptions of characters amount to BLACK HAIR and BULKY and stuff like that? I don't even need to do that here; that's actually what the author explicitly does - list a tiny number of one-word traits and count that as a description. And Rin's is the longest entry there. Anchuu's full appearance and personality description simply says that he's emo. I wish I were making this up. What's worse is that the description contradicts what little we've actually seen on-screen. Rin is described as an "introvert", but the way she challenged Masaru sure doesn't show it. How can you have a description this bankrupt of content and still fail to follow it properly? The only half-decent quality here was that you succeeded in using MSWord's spellchecker. Beyond that, this was bad in virtually every way. The proofreading, if it existed, was a failure; the short-term story, consisting solely of a couple of dull card games, was a failure; the long-term story, relying on thirteen padding villains, promises to be a failure; and the description was a failure of existence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted July 8, 2010 Report Share Posted July 8, 2010 Hmmm....I'm sitting on a new idea. I plan to retool the entire story with the same characters. It'll be set in a "real" world more like how Digimon Tamers was. There probably won't be usage of Solid Vision. In a brainstorming phase. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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