Phantom's Divinations |23 is Number 1!|

[Phantom Roxas]

You know he derived it from Japanese meanings... how? o_0

 

I don't, but sometimes it just seems like people do it intentionally. I had noticed that the evil corporation of Distant Memories is called "Mu-Tech", and "mu" can mean "nothing". Really, it's just me being all "Hey, I know what this Japanese name means."

 

Seriously, to a not-so-Japanese person Oryu just sounds like a Japanese sounding name.

 

Ou = King

Ryu = Dragon

 

Kind of suspicious.

 

I named half of the "mythical" sounding town names in one of my "original" story literally by typing random words and then misspelling them. That's not a joke or anything, I named a place Tuen Village when I butchered the word "Town" and thought it "just sounded prettier that way".

 

I do that to, and it looks like a legitimately random name to me.

 

Wasn't his mom chewing him out (if only slightly) a pretty clear indication that treating pogeymans like dirt was not the right way to go?

 

Felix's response is simply "Yeah," so I was under the impression that Felix did not give a rat's ass about what his mom was saying. Everyone else is aware that Felix is in the wrong, but Felix himself can't see that.

 

The best example of what I think Felix is supposed to be like as a character is Naruto. Naruto also started off as a brat, but even then the first chapter/episode showed that he had some good in him. Felix has nothing that makes him sympathetic. Naruto has Iruka, who is like an older brother to him, and few people actually look at him and see a human being. Yes, how he reacts to that discrimination is a weird leap in logic, but it's still central to his character. Felix is just a complete jerk to Caracolen because... he's a Water starter and not the Fire starter he wanted?

 

I suppose their initial bitterness is meant to be like Ash and Pikachu, but that was resolved when Ash risked his life to protect Pikachu. As I said, Felix's behavior is more like Paul's, although the fact that Felix shows genuine concern when Caracolen disappears is a (last minute) attempt at showing that he does care.

 

I dislike collaborating most of the time because I'm a lazy hoe and don't like putting myself to someone else's schedule, and also because most of the time I only have two or three things worth saying.

 

Eh, it was worth a shot.

 

It's not really like it's rocket science. Just read the story once all the way through and when you get to a part that's like "HEY! THAT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE!" make a mental note of it. Or a physical note, IDC. If the part that don't make no sense still don't make no sense by the time you get to the end and shows no signs of being correct, get to writing and explaining as succinctly as possible. Then when you're done with all the main, glaring errors, read it a third time and tackle the little nitpicks and HERPDERPSPELLINGERRORS! Because going one-by-one and trying to say something after each paragraph or after each line or something just looks stupid IMO.

 

Or just ask Crab how shkle does shklers.

 

I simply read it as I go along, but I'll give that a try and see if it's not overly tedious.

 

It should a sign that some things are half-decent if I don't have to point out anything every line, because it shows that the story can be written well with some consistency.

 

The last divination was actually a good story to me. It's just a shame that Jen had to spoil it with her constant speeches about bats and beating Roxas up.

 

Is this an older fic or a newer one, because I haven't seen it recently.

 

At first, Jen was meant to address the problems that Pika has pointed out in my reviews. However, Jen can't help but make the same mistakes herself. If you've read the previous reviews, you'll notice that she's vastly different here. Apparently I can't keep Sirty_stan's characters consistent.

 

The story hasn't been updated since December.

Edited August 29, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Phantom Roxas]

I noticed those and immediately went to correct them.

 

[Phantom Roxas]

Fixing paragraph breaks is actually a lot more difficult. If I delete the spaces and and preview shows it how I want it to look, chances are the actual post will look different after the edit. This also happens to signatures.

[Ghoulish]

Nice review Roxas thanks for that! You pretty much pointed out my 2 main problems when attempting to write, I try to make it anime-style episodes, and descriptions are either made in an unnessecary way or are silly.

[Phantom Roxas]

[spoiler=So Last Century - {Going with Something Different: Devil Advocate's "Heartfelt" Review}]Phantom Roxas is on to me. I suppose it was only a matter of time. It's all the Jen girl's fault. I can't eliminate her; that would turn Dan against me. He still has his purpose. And so does Roxas. He's unconscious, but I can't kill him now. Not while he still has his job to do.

 

Michæl's universe and that mockery of Perseus Jackson's should be enough to satisfy you, my lord. Neither Michæl nor Jerry would be useful, anyway. However, you must settle down. Roxas' comrade has won yet another battle, but now is not the time for Roxas to learn the truth. We must wait until the proper moment. I can't recruit Tay when you're like this. I'm not sure how useful he will be, but he seems worth the effort.

 

In the meantime, I suppose I shall stay here. It would allow me more time to study Roxas. But what should I review? There are far too many Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfics, and I desire some diversity.

 

Perhaps I should critique the work of Devil's Advocate once more. It is odd, as I reviewed his Strike of the Heavens quite recently, but I suppose it will have to do. I must admit, I was rather harsh with that review. The story had potential, but it was not utilized as it should have. And yet here you are, aiming to follow the trend here that Crab Helmet has popularized. Tell me, what is the name of your ambitious review series?

 

Going with Something Different: Devil's Advocate's "Heartfelt" Review

 

Adorable. I should mention that this is not Devil Advocate's first review. He has his own thread, which you can view here. Of course, he only thought it necessary to post his first review there. However, reception to his initial review has been cold to say the least, so I'd like to review his latest review, which is of "Spontaneous Human Combustion Never Hurt Anybody!" The story is advertised as "A new FF from the Author of "Bleach: Masks of the Espada"!", who some of you may of you may recognized as Donovyn Mikara Gerra. I presume that that particularly story is over, but I shall not bother with it. It suggests that the author has a reputation behind them, so that may be a good thing.

 

Hmm, I'm looking, I'm looking, nothing really interesting....

 

Hey, Dante, you should come over here and look at this!

 

Not now, Lady, I'm busy...

 

It's a whole horde of demons just waiting to be kicked to the curb!

 

Woah, really? I haven't seen a single demon since I stopped that incredibly boring boss in DMC4. Actually, I...umm...couldn't have done it without Nero...

 

So, here are our reviewers, Dante and "Lady". It would appear that Devil's Advocate has chosen a persona based on a video game series he loves, just like Phantom Roxas has, and this "Lady" has the same color of text as Jen. Interesting. What shall this babbling lead to?

 

HA! Fooled ya. It's another Fan-Fic that someone wrote today. Apparently, this member Donovyn Mikara Gerra has made a "School Life" Fan-Fiction. Actually, this isn't this members' only Fan-Fic, as this person has written that Bleach Fan-Fic.

 

Ahh...I see. So what should we do? We should really be hunting down Demons first.

 

You can...spare a bit of time, can't ya?

 

Okay fine. No time like the present. But when this is all over, promise me you'll get your bazooka out and actually shoot stuff this time.

 

Fine....

 

Perhaps all my talking causes delays the fanfiction longer than it needs to, but I feel that such delays are necessary. I have business that I must tend to. I cannot say the same for Roxas, however.

 

"Cheruvet! Cheruvet! Cheruvet!" The crowd kept chanting the slim beauty's name. She was the first female ever to become president of the United States of America!

 

A word of note: The bolded text shall be Donovyn's story.

 

Because that's totally not hard to do in today's society. What qualifications does she have that are different from Sarah Palin?

 

...

 

Just being honest. So, we have a Japanese girl's name...that is in America...who is running for President.......I'm confused.

 

Well, I have heard that this Sarah Palin person is a joke, so your comment comes across as blatant sexism. I recall that Hillary Clinton ran for president, so the idea of a woman becoming president isn't as unlikely as you think it may be. Yes, "becoming" president. She has already won the election.

 

"Cheruvet" is indeed an odd name, but it reminds me of your Chevrolet brand of cars. Just because a name sounds foreign to you does not automatically mean that it is Japanese. Yes, this is a school life story, but that doesn't mean that this is trying too hard to be like an anime... yet.

 

Go on Google. "Cheruvet" actually results in a suggestion for the Chauvet Cave, which is actually French. Forget being an Asian name, our protagonists name is closer to something from an entirely different continent.

 

Now, what's happening here is quite silly. Let's see what happens.

 

The crowd kept chanting as she held her pale arms out, embracing the public who had embraced her.

 

That's a lot of hugs. The structure of this sentence is a bit off. People don't embrace the President, they look up to him/her. I'm pretty sure that's what you meant.

 

"Cheruvet! Cheruvet! Cheruvet!" Suddenly she heard a loud crash, "Cheruvet!" she heard a single voice say sharply.

She opened her eyes and looked around at her laughing classmates.

 

Ahh, and here we finally get into a typical schoolgirl's life. I'm sure that the classmates were laughing because she was drooling all over her books are something.

 

...

 

No, it was just a nonsensical dream sequence. Why is it that fanfic author's feel that students must never be decent students in school?

 

From what I can tell, Cheruvet is indeed a standard school girl, although Lady has thus far contributed little due to the review beyond remaining silent in response to Dante's sexism. Truly we have an admirable review series.

 

Followed by her locking her grey eyes with the sharp green ones of the teacher who had slammed her hands on Cheruvet's desk, startling her into falling out of her chair. "Honestly, Cheruvet, are you getting enough sleep? That's the third time this week you've fallen asleep in my class," the not unattractive, tan-skinned teacher pointed out to her.

 

Not unattractive. It's just not formal writing to use a double negative. Instead, just "the attractive, tan-skinned teacher pointed out to her."

 

This girl likes to sleep a lot, doesn't she? I wonder if she is failing her classes just like all the rest of the people who fall asleep in class.

 

"To top things off," she continued," it's only Wednesday."

Cheruvet lowered her head, her face turning red, and allowing her long raven hair to fall into her eyes. "Sorry, Mrs. T." she murmered.

 

That's such an elaborate name. By the way, what does this girl look like. Is she hot?

 

...

 

You're awfully quiet all of a sudden, Lady. Is there something wrong?

 

Nope, I just never realized that you would be acting this way about a typical schoolgirl.

 

That and your comments have almost entirely consisted of sexism. I have little hope that you'll change that pattern at the rate you've been going, so I'll just leave it at that. Besides, "Mrs. T" is acceptable as a nickname…

 

"Please get off the floor," Mrs. T. said, returning to her desk.

 

…Except when the narration insists on referring to her by that as well without saying what her real name is.

 

Now THAT is some REM sleep!

 

Can you stop being a heckler for once and actually contribute something to the progress of this story? We don't need a repeat incident of what happened last time!

 

About time you stood up for yourself, Lady. So far the most interesting thing about this review is that Dante has made an ass of himself before.

 

"And try to keep in mind for the future that the uniform skirt is not as long as it could be." Cheruvet quickly stood up, her face turning a brighter shade of red. She straightened and dusted off her red plaid skirt, (which only decended to the middle of her thigh) and took her seat.

 

The stuff in parenthesis is unnecessary, and should be replaced with commas. Also, you spelled "descended" wrong, which is not the best word to describe how the skirt "only reached to the middle of her thigh".

 

I for one prefer hyphens to parentheses, and "descended" is an acceptable word.

 

A few of her class mates snickered, causing her to sink lower in her chair, hiding behind her text book.

The school bell rang, prompting Cheruvet to grab her backpack and run out the door while the other students were still gathering their books.

 

Okay, it was pretty clear you meant to put a paragraph break here, because we are switching the time of the setting. I've seen a lot of Fan-Fics recently that fail to follow the issue of separation, so I'm not going to heckle about it here, but it just gets on my nerves sometimes.

 

No, the school bell rang as soon as she sank into her chair.

 

"There's only one reason you'd be moving that fast," another, tan-skinned girl said, emerging from a neighboring class. "And that would be that you fell asleep in class and then fell out of your chair."

 

This girl is quite observant. I never realized that women could read minds.

 

No, it's not that she read her mind. Perhaps this new girl has been hanging around Cheruvet for so long that the two are practically two peas in a pod.

 

Oh, really. Well, read my mind then.

 

No thanks, I'd rather not.

 

What exactly has Dante even contribute to this review as of yet?

 

"You forgot the part where the teacher slapped her hands on my desk and scared me," Cheruvet answered. The other girl giggled at Cheruvet's response, brushing a hand through her auburn hair. "It's not funny Audri!" Cheruvet said defensivley. "All the girls could see up my skirt..."

 

Really? She's complaining about how the girls could see up her skirt? Shouldn't her undergarments be obscured a bit more because her skirt fell down a bit?

 

This is gonna seem like nitpicking,

 

Because it will be.

 

but at the end of the "It's not funny, Audri" statement that Cheruvet made, the statement should end with a comma, not an exclamation point, because you have a statement afterwards. I believe it is called P-A-D or something like that.

 

It's D-P-A in this situation. Cheruvet started a Dialogue sequence, which was interrupted by the narrator saying something about the way Chevuret was talking, and then picked back up on the dialogue. It's more D-P-D, but there is no such thing.

 

She said two separate sentences. I think that should be excusable. And Lady, how could you possibly get Cheruvet's name both right and wrong in the same sentence?

 

"Well, as Miss Tanaka says when someone falls asleep in her class: 'This is the Automata Institution for Girls, not a sleeping center,'" Audri said. Cheruvet groaned, puffing her lip out. "What are you doing at night, anyway? You fall asleep in class more often than usual. Even for you."

 

I'm pretty sure you meant to seperate the action and the dialogue here, right? Must...resist......grabbing....sword........

 

Right.......after Audri completed her statement, it is customary to break the paragraph for Cheruvet's action and the next batch of dialogue. Just for future reference.

 

Except Audri continued to talk after Cheruvet groaned, so a paragraph break would have actually been more confusing.

 

"YOU KNOW WHAT I DO AT NIGHT!"

 

Unncessary screaming is unnecessary. Yes, she is angry.....or bipolar....or just being a girl,

 

Why do you still breathe?

 

I don't know, but all caps takes away from formal writing and butchers it completely.

 

"We're roommates. My job at McDonald's, followed by a shift at Sonic. Then I get home and I have to make my own dinner," she said, narrowing her eyes on Audri.

 

So....are they in Japan, or North America? Because I'm pretty sure that Sonic is just an American thing. Of course, if they were in America, why would you name your character Cheruvet?

 

Perhaps she moved to America from France?

 

"Well, you get home late, and I'm no good at making enough to have leftovers. I either burn the food or don't cook it enough... and that's even if I only make enough for myself..." Cheruvet simply sighed.

 

Isn't that what cookbooks are for? Or did Cheruvet not sign up for any foods classes? Seriously, she is in a PRESITGIOUS Academy; don't you think she should be priviledged enough to pick her own classes or at least get a tutor or something? Also, this girl sounds incredibly selfish, keeping all of the food for herself.

 

It was actually Audri (Amusingly, you have yet to comment on how her name does not the more common spelling of "Audrey") who is poor at cooking, though I can understand the confusion because Cheruvet sighs immediately after the dialogue, with the only indication that Audri says this line is that someone else talks after Cheruvet, and no one else is present.

 

In any case, Audri just said she can barely make enough food for herself. Cheruvet's actually rather selfish for getting angry at Audri for barely making food for herself when Cheruvet works at two fast food restaurant. Sure, it is not the ideal dinner, but she has better access to food than Audri.

 

"Either way, I don't get to bed until midnight. And classes start at six. I really don't have much of a choice in how tired I am in school."

 

I never sleep. How do you think I feel? I'm always killing demons and just as soon as I am about to get comfortable, another Demon is raiding Fortuna City again.

 

What did I tell you about the nitpicking?

 

Okay, fine.....whatever, Lady.

 

That doesn't even begin to count as nitpicking. That's just a pointless bit of dialogue meant to remind us that, yes, Devil's Advocate persona in these reviews is meant to be reminiscent of the same Dante from Devil May Cry. Last I heard, he had slain that fool Mateus Palamecia with the help of a few brutes.

 

The two friends finally made it to the head of the lunch line, being served a bowl of Macoroni and Cheese and a saucer of scrambled eggs.

 

Okay, so they are in America. Where the hell is my sword?

 

Because this can't just be some fictional school in France Japan that just happens to serve macaroni and cheese.

 

"My brother is an inventor, and made enough money selling nick-nacks and stuff to send me here out of his own pocket," Audri answered, eating a few bites of her Mac and Cheese. Cheruvet allowed her head to hit the table. Audri poked her friend's head with her fork.

 

Wow, this girl certainly is lucky. Did Audri not even care that there might have been a piece of macaroni that might have gotten stuck in her friend's hair? Cheruvet really picks her friends wisely, right?

 

Because the fact that Audri's brother is a very devoted older brother and an inventor is unremarkable. Clearly Audri's comedic attempt at cheering her up is unworthy of note.

 

"I wish I knew someone who could do that for me," Cheruvet said, sounding like she was five years old.

 

Maybe because she is.

 

Heckling....

 

Oh, yeah....moving on.

 

No, Lady doesn't just use the same color as Jen. She is a blatant attempt at replicating Jen's behavior in the last Divination. I'm rather puzzled that Jen acted so differently, actually. She typically went on and on about passion.

 

"Nii-San

 

Wait, so we ARE in Japan. What the hell? Americans don't know what that term means, so we obviously must be in Japan. That's it, I'm getting my boxing gloves and my kick edge.......I'm going all out on this......

 

Ahem.

 

Incidentally, you removed a part of the story that follows that line.

 

has offered to pay for you several times, you know."

 

That will of course be relevant down the line.

 

"Yes, but he has his hands full with you, I don't want to put him in a spot like that," Cheruvet groaned. She gingerly prodded her eggs, somewhat pouting.

 

If she was groaning, it would already be implied that she was pouting and in a bad mood. The last sentence is unnecessary.

 

Actually, it is necessary. She groaned, thus making a sound. The pouting shows a change in her expression, and the light prodding of her food paints a clearer picture of her depression.

 

I am absolutely amazed that I had to point that out.

 

"I swear, Cheruvet, you're impossible. You want someone to pay for you, but when someone offers, you turn them down. What exactly is it that you want?"

 

I think I know where this is going. She's looking for "the right one". That sounds the cliche alarm.

 

...

 

You're suddenly very quiet, Dante.

 

Are you also attempting to replicate the role reversal performed by Jen? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised.

 

"The only person who's offered is Nii-San, and he's aleady paying for you. I don't want him to end up in a debt he can't pay because of me. I know he has millions of dollars from selling his inventions to people, but still. This school isn't..." she trailed off, her head falling to the table. She cae to rest with her arms stretched out across the table. Audri poked Cheruvet in the head with her fork again.

 

Bold. Sometimes, heckling is necessary. Who else is going to point these things out?

 

I've simply underlined the spelling errors that Devil's Advocate pointed out.

 

Wow, school life is tough, hunh?

 

"Aaaand, she's out," Audri stated to herself. She sighed, eatting some of her eggs. She gently dug the prongs of her fork into Cheruvet's cheek.

 

Do you know how many germs that girl has just spread? Unbearable, I tell you....

 

The fact that Cheruvet is not disturbed by what Audri did is disturbing in and of itself.

 

"Whatever it is I didn't do it!" Cheruvet said sharply, sitting up in a flash. Audri laughed, shaking her head.

 

So she was dreaming in five seconds? That's a new record. By the way, this Audri friend isn't really sympathetic at all towards Cheruvet, is she? She's constantly poking her friend. I knew girls had some freaky obession with wanting to poke people, but I never knew it could be this.......bad....

 

And here is were that missing line is important. She was simply trying to wake up Cheruvet, and she is sympathetic, as evidenced by reminding her that Audri's brother is willing to help out. I'm surprised you haven't pointed out the rather obvious romantic potential that presents.

 

"Cheruvet, I don't know what you dream about when you drift off like that, but you need to eat if you want to stay alive to have those wacky dreams of yours," Audri said, using her own fork to push Cheruvet's food toward her. Cheruvet yawned, taking in big chunks of eggs, and then alost choking on a too big bite of Macaroni and Cheese. "Slow down," Audri laughed, "The food waited this long, I don't think it's going anywhere."

 

Bold. Water is essential, too. In fact, we depend more on water than food. Audri is not very smart, is she? She likes poking people, making fun of her best friend, and throws fact around which people know are false.

 

I simply cannot believe that you went that far with the nitpicking. Eating food is essential, and relying entirely on water could actually be rather bad for you humans.

 

Cheruvet gave Audri a "shut up" look.

 

What does that even look like? Is it <_< ? Or -.- ?

 

Why do I even bother with you, Dante.....

 

Was Lady also Dante's favorite character in a particular story?

 

"Oh, come on. Just slow down and enjoy the food. It may not be a five star gourmet meal, but it has to be better than Hot Pockets and toast."

 

Excuse me, but, ahem, Hot Pockets are the best things ever known to man or demon hunter. Scrambled Eggs could NOT compare to the awesomeness of Hot Pockets.

 

....

 

And now, Lady is the quiet one. Maybe I shouldn't have signed up for this.

 

Lady has been the quiet one for most of this. And no, you shouldn't have signed up for this if you insist on focusing so little on the actual story.

 

"Yes, it is. Anything is better than that,"

 

WHAT? HOW DARE YOU DISS MY HOT POCKETS!!

 

..........

 

I read the original story before I read this review. I am currently debating whether or not the story is warming up to me or if this review makes it look far better than it actually is.

 

She took a smaller bite of Macaroni, and took her time chewing it. "There see? It's much better than choking on it,"

 

I wanted to go back to my previous statement about how Cheruvet is acting like a five-year old. This further proves my point, because five-year olds need to be taught how to eat properly.

 

How dense and idiotic can you get? Cheruvet is obviously stressed from lack of sleep, and Audri is helping her friend out in a bad time. At least, I think that's what it is.

 

Thank you, Lady. Once more you have restored what little faith I had in this review, for all that's worth.

 

"There see? It's much better than choking on it," Audri stated. The two continued eatting in silence for several minutes. Audri finished her food first, and Cheruvet finishing hers almost a minute later. "Where are you going to next?" Audri asked.

 

Even if it is a question, it still needs to end with a comma. Oh, sorry, that I wasn't supposed to nitpick....

 

No, you're right, for once.......going back to the D-P-A clause, the dialogue is the "Where are you going next", while the Person is Audri commencing an action of "asking". All of these clauses have the same rule as far as punctuation and quotations go.

 

No. I am not even going to begin to explain how wrong you are. I have more important matters to intend to, and I am certain that they require less effort than it does to convince you that you are wrong.

 

"U.S. History," Cheruvet answered.

 

I still don't know if these girls are in Japan or America.

 

Does it really matter at this point? We probably won't get an answer because we are nearing the end of this Chapter. Maybe in the next few chapters or so, but for now, STOP NITPICKING!

 

I for one am fine with the possibility than Cheruvet is French, which you still have failed to consider.

 

"Snooze fest," Audri noted. "I have French. Not much better."

 

See? Donovyn acknowledges the existence of France. Can you?

 

Cette histoire est vraiment ennuyeuse. Bet you fifty bucks that the writer doesn't know what this means.

 

You really are something, Dante.......

 

I'll bet your very existence that you simply went online and entered "This story is really boring" on an online translator. And yes, I just did the same thing. English is one of the more common languages in all universes. I find it unnecessary to become well-versed in other languages.

 

As for the story, it is admittedly rather uneventful. From what we can tell, this is supposed to be a slice of life story. There's nothing wrong with that, but there must at least be something in their lives that we want to care to follow.

 

The two girls let out a simultanious groan, lamenting their next classes.

 

I thought school was supposed to be fun, exciting, and full of new challenges to face everyday. Whatever happened to that enthusiasm?

 

You teenagers have a term called "senioritis", correct? Perhaps that it is the case here.

 

The girls stood up and carried their dishes toward the door. Setting them on the return shelf, the two students stepped through the cafeteria door, and departed in different directions toward their different classes. Cheruvet took until the next bell rang to get to her seat, which had been labeled with her name since the first day. She looked at the desk next to her, and noticed a name tag she hadn't seen yet.

 

So not only is this girl an insomniac, she is also very dense and stupid.

 

...........Couldn't have been more blatant, could you?

Bold. She must also walk VEEERRRRRYYYYYY slowly, depending on how far away her next class is.

 

There is nothing to say here. This whole scene is quite ridiculous, actually.

 

"Sorry I'm late, had a bit of trouble finding the right room," a blonde haired girl stated, entering the room. She was neither tan nor pale, and claimed the name tag next to Cheruvet's seat. Cheruvet stole a sideways glance at the fairly tall girl next to her, and noticed that she was moving her lips silently, trying to pronounce her name. "Chr-oo-v-et" she finally settled on, and grabbed Cheruvet's attention with it.

 

Rule #144 of Fan-Fiction: If you want to your main character to be cool, use a name that is NOT hard to pronounce to the other sub-characters in the story. So far, I have zero interest in this girl and her colleagues.

 

Once again, her name is foreign. Can you even properly pronounce that French sentence you wrote? If you mess up on your first try, then you immediately lose the right to complain about pronunciations.

 

"Share-oo-vay," Cheruvet corrected her kindly.

 

If I had a name like that, it would probably be butchered, too. Too bad "Dante" is a splendid name, don't you agree, Lady?

 

Dante Alighieri was a famous poet that wrote the Divine Comedy, one of the most influential epics of all time. I find that more notable than the Dante you are more familiar with.

 

I'm surprised you've made it this far without even contributing a single good word about this story. You know you are going to get flamed right?

 

I prefer "constructive criticism".

 

Oh, whatever. Fighting humans isn't as fun as fighting Demons, because Demons come in hordes. Of course, if the entire pack of Moderators came, then that would be a challenge.

 

My master is an entity far beyond your very comprehension. I highly doubt that even Roxas, a Super Moderator I might add, stands a chance against him.

 

HAHA! You crack me up. Well, see you in the next game....

 

"Sorry. Henrietta Ford, but I prefer to go by my surname" the new girl said.

 

Isn't that the same girl from that anime "Gunslinger Girl"? There was a girl named Henrietta Ford in that anime. I'm beginning to see a connection here.

 

Maybe the writer didn't know and it was not intended. Mistakes like that happen all of the time.

 

Apparently this was indeed a mistake, although Donovyn simply was unaware that both shared the same surname.

 

"So, um, Share-oo-vay," she said, enunciating the proper pronunciation, "I was wondering if you could help me catch up after the day lets out." Cheruvet thought for a couple seconds. The teacher called the class to attention, and Cheruvet nodded.

 

Oooooh, I sense some high-tide drama about to unfold in the next few chapters, if we ever get around to that point. Plus, I still want to know if we are in America or Japan, that would REALLY be helpful.

 

Donovyn said in response that this takes places in America. Cheruvet is also apparently an original name, but I still think it sounds rather French.

 

I look forward to actually reading this story. It's not quite as bad as some of the other ones I have read in times past.

 

Although, it still doesn't go on my list of "good".

 

Uggh.....ignore him Mr./Mrs. Donovyn Mikara Gerra.

 

Donovyn, judging by their supposedly accurate profile, is male.

 

Aside from a few minor nitpicks and spelling problems, this story was pretty good. It certainly qualifies as being "good" in my book, and you definitely have a reader in me. Wouldn't know about Dante, though.

 

I would only recommend following this to see if an actual plot establishes itself. Right now, I can't say I care for any of the characters. There is certainly potential, but Donovyn seems too afraid to tap into that, and that hurts the story.

 

Say, have you seen Trish around?

 

Went to go and get pizza.

 

Ah, so there is a third member of our cast. As it turns out, Lady is simply yet another character from Devil May Cry, as well as Trish. So yes, this is a Devil May Cry themed fanfic review series. From what I know, not even Roxas is familiar with the series. I'll leave it to the fans to rate how accurate the portrayal of these characters.

 

Oh, yea, awesome! Tonight, we celebrate another fantastic evening of reading and reviewing another Fan-Fic. This party's getting crazy!

 

Sorry, but I shall have to leave early.

 

I must commend you for trying Devil's Advocate, but that is not enough. A majority of your complaints were either nitpicks or ridiculous conclusions. Perhaps I am being a hypocrite when I say that, but I feel that acknowledging one's flaws is a step towards improving upon them. You had Lady point out Dante's nitpicking, and yet you continued with that.

 

Roxas is waking up. I must hurry.

 

Jen, get in here!

 

What is it?

 

I can see that you've calmed down, Master. I'm off to gather another recruit.

 

 

 

Ugh... what happened?

 

You were asleep.

 

...

 

I-I'm sorry, Roxas! Um, I hope you're not hurt too bad…

 

I'll be fine, but it looks like that Votek guy was just here. He wrote another Divination. I feel bad for that Devil's Advocate go for getting ragged on that guy twice. He doesn't seem like that bad of an author.

 

He has a passion, Roxas! Of course you should feel bad.

 

I almost missed you going on about passion.

 

And it looks like you continued where I left off on that Distant Memories story. I'm surprised that you're such a hypocrite.

 

Well, after I read that Votek guy's Divinations with Dan, something felt a bit off, so I went to talk with Dan. Apparently he's known that Yumi guy for a while.

 

So?

 

Yumi was from a different story, remember?

 

I know that. That does bug me, but I thought that Yumi somehow went to Dan's universe like how you and Blake somehow found your way here.

 

No! Dan says he's been friends with Yumi since before the events you saw!

 

How is that possible?

 

What do you think we should do?

 

It's simple. We have to beat him at his own game.

 

What are you suggesting?

 

He's recruiting the protagonists from the stories we've reviewed, so we'll have to do the same.

 

So we're going after Tay, then?

 

No. It sounds like Votek is going after him already, and we can't risk an encounter with Votek.

 

So we're going after my first story, then?

 

Yes, Blake. We're going to recruit Ven Hawk.

 

 

I'm running out of ideas for how to name these chapters.

Edited November 2, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Agro]

A review within a review. Almost like inception. And almost as confusing.

 

But it was funny, so I can live with it.

[Super Chaos Sonic]

No. It sounds like Votek is going after him already, and we can't risk an encounter with Votek.

 

So we're going after my first story, then?

 

Yes, Blake. We're going to recruit Ven Hawk.

 

Oh gosh!!! XD

 

I haven't hear that name since Heroes Corps. (dead....thanks to a freakin' virus and the doc is gone >_<)

[Phantom Roxas]

[spoiler=However, don't expect him to look like this.]

[Super Chaos Sonic]

XD Still love the picture, Roxas.

 

But nah, wouldn't expect him to look like that.

 

EDIT:

 

If you don't have any other reviews, I would like to know if you can review mine and DL's fan fic please...and a title for the 21st chapter could be "One 21 Guns"....from the song "21 Guns" from Green Day.

 

Return of the Vongola

Edited September 10, 2011 by Chaos Sonic

[Ghoulish]

Hey Roxas I have another request if you'd like XD

[Phantom Roxas]

XD Still love the picture, Roxas.

 

But nah, wouldn't expect him to look like that.

 

EDIT:

 

If you don't have any other reviews, I would like to know if you can review mine and DL's fan fic please...and a title for the 21st chapter could be "One 21 Guns"....from the song "21 Guns" from Green Day.

 

Return of the Vongola

 

I read the first chapter of Reborn, but it wasn't enough to make me follow the series.

 

I don't mind Green Day, but I listened to that song and though it was kind of bland. Then again, as a Nightwish fan, I am ashamed to admit that I should have used

instead of "The 7th Seal", which was only because I had heard it was a great film and I like the premise, but I still have yet to use it. I suppose using a bland song will make up for somehow forgetting a magnificent one.

 

Hey Roxas I have another request if you'd like XD

 

Sure, what is it?

 

It seems weird to review stories from authors I've already made reviews for, especially three times in a row.

[Ghoulish]

3? I think you've only reviewed one of mine before ill post link.

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/257415-kingdom-hearts-bound-by-fate-original-kingdom-hearts-tale-chapter-28-the-frontline-of-the-kingdom-and-the-heartless-is-up/

[Phantom Roxas]

I just reviewed Devil Advocate's review, and I'll be reviewing yours and Chaos Sonic's stories.

[Super Chaos Sonic]

Yeah...I can't wait for the next two reviews ^^

[bury the year]

Cette histoire est vraiment ennuyeuse.

 

Vraiment means more along the lines of "actually" (vrai = true) instead of "really"; should've just used très.

[Phantom Roxas]

You know how unreliable online translators can be.

[---------------]

*sneaks in unnoticed*

 

*places review request on table*

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/262893-bokurano-ii-pg-16/

 

*leaves*

[Phantom Roxas]

So my mind blanked out when I titled the last review "So Last Century". I was thinking of the 1900's rather than the 20th century.

 

*sneaks in unnoticed*

 

*places review request on table*

 

http://forum.yugiohc...urano-ii-pg-16/

 

*leaves*

 

That will probably be the 23rd review.

Edited September 16, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Phantom Roxas]

[spoiler=20 Questions - {Highschool of the Dead (IRELAND EDITION)}]Well played, Roxas. Very well, I'll let you play along. We'll pursue every other protagonist then, is that it? I'll recruit Tay, you ask Ven for help, I consider what value Ryu would have, etcetera, etcetera. You had best pray that it would work out for you, although I'm sure that amassing an army of Gary Stus and/or complete imbeciles would do little to benefit either of us in the long run. Still, I have business to attend to, and here it comes now.

 

Hey, mister! Who are you?

 

You would think a trench coat and a hat that obscures my visage would tip him off that I might be so friendly. Oh well. I am a traveler, simply passing by. Tell me, would you happen to know someone by the name of Tay Williams?

 

That's me! But, how do you know me?

 

A mutual friend of ours suggested for me to find you, and I was referred to this area.

 

Who?

 

Oh, that's a surprise. Excuse me, I forgot my manners. My name is Votek.

 

Votek what?

 

I have no surname.

 

Bummer. So, what's up?

 

Well, to be frank, I require assistance reviewing this fanfic.

 

Um, sure, I'll help, I guess. Do you always ask people that when you meet them?

 

It's a personal habit of mine, I'm afraid.

 

And I can't see your face, either...

 

I have a skin disease.

 

You're a bit too suspicious...

 

And you're sharper than I had anticipated. Oh, don't run away, boy. I still have a job for you.

 

 

 

I told him not to run away. He should have listened. I suppose it had to turn out like this eventually. It's not a big loss, anyway. HiZOMBIRyouken's "High School of the Dead (IRELAND EDITION)" shouldn't require two people for a review anyway. I'm not familiar with the source material beyond "high school hentai WITH ZOMIBES", although it would appear that such is not necessary, since this is the sort of fanfic that recycles the plot of the source material and changes the location, which is precisely why the author chose such a "creative" title.

 

Let us see the premise of this story, shall we?

 

This story follows Dezi Madden (Real name Desmond) as he and a group of his friends try to survive the outbreak. Takes place in Ireland, so expect some Irish terms turn up

 

Interesting. Hopefully the author is actually aware of certain Irish terms and doesn't pointlessly throw them in to remind us that this story does, in fact, take place in Ireland.

 

( also it is wrote in Dezi's perspective, telling the story)

 

Unless we were expecting our narrator to be The Ishmael, it should be obvious from the opening narration that Dezi is telling her own story. Now let us finally begin this tale.

 

Chapter 1 - Z Day

 

I've seen worse.

 

“Have you ever noticed how boring this school is?” I questioned my two friends Séan and Daniel who were standing beside me on an outside stairs “mitching” our Biology class.

 

You humans and your ludicrous slang. What in blazes does it mean to be "mitching"?

 

Well, that Urban Dictionary site provided confirms that our three "heroes" are the classical archetype of lousy students. At least, that's what the hope. The second definition is simply disgusting.

 

It was nearing the end of the school day and the sky was turning a bright orange. “Yeah, I’ve noticed it too” replied Daniel calmly as he leaned against the wall of the building looking at Séan to answer. “I dunno guys, this is pretty exciting, I mean I’m pumped full of adrenalin” Séan finally replied as he was twitching and looking around just in-case a teacher found us.

 

"In fact, I'm so full of adrenaline that I'm going to cut class and lounge around! Aren't I such a model student?"

 

I closed my eyes to relax as they started a conversation amongst themselves and I thought to myself “Even if this is boring, I wouldn’t like it any other way”.

 

As old as this complaint must be, it suits this situation. Desmond, if you don't care about what is going on in your life, then why should we?

 

Then, a silence covered their conversation, I opened my eyes to see what had stopped their lively conversation, their faces looked full of disgust as they leaned across the railing of the stairs starring at something at the front of the school. I leaned over to see what they were looking at,

 

Ah, genuine interest. What could possibly be the source of this sudden disappearance of apathy?

 

only to see a dark disturbing figure in old torn rags devouring a girl who looked to be a year above us.

 

Well, it seems the plot didn't wait too long to show itself. I would have preferred more world building, and before you say "Well, that's how the manga started off," I skimmed the first chapter to see if that started off similarly, but that had the advantage of in medias res, and this doesn't seem to be built like that. We cannot feel as emotionally invested in these characters and feel horrible for the tragedy that they have now been thrown into as there really isn't much to their personalities to begin with.

 

“WHAT THE f***!” shouted Séan as the dark figure walked away. The figure looked back, but not at us but at a teacher who had screamed at the sight of the deed. The figure did not walk but limbed over to the teacher who was in so much fear she couldn’t move an inch. The figure attacked the teacher but we weren’t looking at that, we were looking at the front gate of the school were a horde of dark figures gathered. We quickly turned around and ran for our biology classroom to warn them of the danger.

 

“Quickly! Come with me!” I said out of breath as I rammed through the classroom door. “Oh! Dezi, Séan and Daniel, how nice of you to join us, now can you sit down and take out your books”. The teacher said as he looked back at the board to continue the lesson.

 

So Desmond finally arrives late to class, panicking, telling everyone to come with him... and all how the teacher has to say is "How nice of you to join us"? If he thought they were lying, wouldn't he have at least asked where they were?

 

“Sir everyone has to leave now! There’s a group of things at the front of the school and their attacking anyone they see” Séan shouted as he was looking back to see if they followed us. 10 people stood up and walked over to us.

 

Only ten people? Shouldn't they have been running, screaming, and/or asking questions?

 

“I’ll go with you’s, but if ya’s are lying I’m going to beat the s*** out of all of you’s!” said Oisín as he walked over to us.

 

Who's Oisín? What does he look like? Come to think of it, what do any of the characters look like? The only character descriptions we got was that the zombie was in rags and ate a girl that was apparently a older than the main characters. Considering how we don't even how old the main characters are, saying "she's a year older than us" is hardly a description.

 

“Yeah, I’ll go with you’s too” said Alexis who walked over to Dezi smiling.

 

Ah, the love interest, right on schedule.

 

As we left the room we could hear the others who stayed behind laughing at us, but then their laughs were replaced with screams, we didn’t bother on looking back.

 

Wait, did the zombies just bust through the windows of the classroom? And considering how Desmond and his group didn't even look back, is that supposed to imply that they were too focused on running for their lives (Which would make sense) or is that simply their way of saying "Serves you right for doubting us"? I assume it's the former, but they really don't seem too disturbed that the rest of their classmates have been devoured by zombies.

 

“Okay we need to get to the sports hall to get weapons” I ordered as we ran outside the school, sticking to the corners checking if there are any dark figures further up.

 

These zombies can apparently break into a classroom and instantly tear apart the inhabitants before they have a chance to escape. Being stealthy is not going to improve your chances of survival all that much.

 

“Over here! I found an entrance to the sports hall” Daniel shouted as he opened a fire exit as we all followed him in. As we entered the sports hall we heard a strange noise almost like a moan at the back of the hall. We walked close to were the noise was coming from and stumbled on to sight none of us have ever seen or would thought of seeing, we immediately took cover behind the wall. Daniel peeked out from behind the wall to confirm what we just saw, he told us that there was one of those things was hovering over what seemed to be Séan’s girlfriend who layed there lifeless. Séan began to get teary eyed and soon broke out crying.

 

I can understand Séan's sadness at the loss of his girlfriend, but I cannot feel the pathos in this scene. Séan's girlfriend is not named for the rest of the chapter, so it just feels like another casualty. Granted, it makes things personal for Séan, but the loss of his nameless girlfriend just comes across as another death in this story.

 

“I know what to do, because I read the Zombie survival guide” said Oisín sarcastically.

 

Let's see how long that makes him last then. Out of all the five named character thus far, I won't be surprised if Oisín is the first among them to die.

 

Oisín walked in calmly, grabbed a nearby hurley stick and swung it towards the figure and cracked it over his head, “WHOOH” Oisín shouted as he pulled the hurley and tossed it onto the ground five feet away.

 

Whether or not this actually did anything to the zombie is not explained. All that happens is that the hurley stick - which is actually a good way of maintaing the Irish setting - breaks on impact, and Oisín simply tossed it aside now it is useless. Readers don't need to have their hands held for every single detail, but it's not too hard to just write "and the zombie fell down."

 

Séan ran over and knelled beside the dead body, rage filled his eyes as he said “I’m sorry”.

 

 

We were interrupted by sounds of shots being fired and screams of people outside, after about ten minutes or so the screams vanished but left the sound of things banging against the door. We looked at each other with a look of confusion and panic on our faces, wondering what will happen next!

 

If that was your way of saying "To be continued," I'm not convinced. This could possibly result in a good zombie story, but right now this story is just so plain. The characters are bland, with Oisín probably being the one of the most personality, and I don't really see this story having much to get the readers invested. If you wish to continue this story, then by all means continue to do so, but I cannot stress enough that you must add more emotional investment and character depth.

 

 

What else is there to say? Roxas, this is the fourth universe I have traveled to for the sake of these reviews, and yet it still escapes me how you can track me as you have already. I suppose I should have expected nothing less from the Chronicler.

 

Edited November 20, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Phantom Roxas]

[spoiler=21 Guns - {Return of the Vongola}]...

 

So?

 

"So" what?

 

How are we going to recruit Ven Hawk?

 

I don't know. I thought you guys might know.

 

I can't travel across universes, if that's why you're saying.

 

But Jen can, so I thought she might be able to help.

 

I told you, I don't know how I got here.

 

Then what do you suggest we do?

 

Hm…

 

Well?

 

I'm thinking! Wait, I got it! Just believe as hard as you can that we'll go and find this Ven guy. That might work!

 

Well, I'm believing as hard as I can.

 

It's not working.

 

You're just not being passionate enough!

 

Roxas, how much longer do we have to deal with her?

 

Come on guys! We got to hold hands, otherwise-

 

No.

 

Absolutely not.

 

Stop being such babies. Here, I'll hold your hands.

 

Fine.

 

Hold on guys, I'm getting a call on Skype.

 

Who is it?

 

...No way.

 

What?

 

It says it's Ven Hawk.

 

How can that be?

 

Answer him!

 

Um, hello?

 

Hey, Roxas! You said you wanted to talk?

 

Blake, what's going on here?

 

In Heroes Corps., Ven is a member of YCM. Roxas probably exists as a character within that series.

 

So it's like the opposite of us being characters but we can exist in the real world with Roxas.

 

Ven must think he's talking to the Roxas in his world. Now I can't help but wonder about all the possible alternate versions of us that might be out there.

 

You know my Phantom's Divinations thread in Fan Fic, right?

 

Sure do!

 

Well, remember when Fenrir and Dark did a series of audio reviews? I was thinking that we should something like that too.

 

Why me?

 

Listen, I think someone's out to get me, and I think they're going to use you against me.

 

Why would they do that? There's no way that I would turn on you!

 

I'm glad to hear that. Anyway, you know Katekyo Hitman Reborn, right? Because I sure don't.

 

Dude, KHR is awesome.

 

Anyway, let's review this fanfic by Chaos Sonic called "Return of the Vongola".

 

Who's Chaos Sonic?

 

Seriously?

 

So who are your friends?

 

We'll get to them in a bit. Let me just set up the recording equipment. Okay, let's start. Hello, YCM. I'm Phantom Roxas.

 

And I'm nightwing2199.

 

I decided to do thing's a little differently tonight and have an audio recording. Joining us are my friends Blake and Jen.

 

Hi everyone!

 

Hey guys.

 

Blake? So you named the character in Zodiac Cross after him?

 

Eh, something like that. Anyway, for this episode, we'll be reviewing "Return of the Vongola" by Chaos Sonic.

 

This guy has six stars? How come I've never seen him? Did he get a name change?

 

Anyway, to some it should be obvious, but this is a Katekyo Hitman Reborn fanfic. This fanfic seems to have a fanbase of its own, and it's currently on it's ninth chapter. I am not anticipating anything bad, but I am here by Chaos Sonic's own request. Apparently this story does not feature Tsuna, the main character of Reborn, so I assume that knowledge of the series is not required for enjoying this story. Let's start with Target 1. Wait, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

 

Oh, the anime referred to each episode as a "Target".

 

A teenage boy with spiky red hair, and boy-ish facial features

 

As opposed to a boy with girl-ish features.

 

sat near the window of the classroom. He closed his brownish-red eyes and yawned loudly, covering his mouth with his hand. He looked out the window, his face rested against his palm, as he had been frequently doing so for the whole class. Noticing nothing new, he glanced over to his right, about two desks away from his. His eyes caught sight of their target, a young girl with light blond hair that reached down to her shoulders and bluish gray eyes, which were slender. Her thin lips were curved into a small smile as she stared at the teacher.

 

I'm liking the character description so far, but I can only imagine them as detailed heads on an unremarkable class uniform.

 

I can't believe Hana's interested in this stuff. History is boring as hell.

 

And as long as you're bored, so is this story.

 

Well, this girl is kind of Kyoko, so she's the love interest.

 

That's obvious, so I'd like to see how this love story develops.

 

Arashi thought, looking up at the ceiling, his hands behind his head as he leaned back on his chair. He glanced at her again. Then again, this whole school's boring. There's nothing to do around here...maybe I should...yeah, that's right, I can do it. Nothing to be afraid of! Alright, today, after half a year of having a crush on her, I'll finally tell her my feelings!

 

This thought process is so clichéd that it indicates that his attempted confession will not go well.

 

“Arashi Chiso!” the teacher’s called, almost making Arashi fall out of his chair. “Are you still daydreaming, or do you mind answering the question?”

 

The teacher's what called?

 

I'm actually surprised Chaos didn't notice that.

 

The boy gulped. "Um...that is an interesting question sir! It makes the student rationalize, and is made to trick the untrained mind! Without further ado I'd have to say it is option 'B'!"

 

The awkward idiocy. It hurts.

 

Arashi heard a few chuckles and snickers from around the room, and sighed, laying his head between his arms. Just then, he heard a small noise, like a faint whistle. He looked to the side, out the window, but saw nothing. He shrugged slightly, and closed his eyes.

 

The most interesting thing so far is the mystery of what question the teacher asked.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Arashi was the last to walk out of class when the lunch bell rang. He saw Hana turn the corner, and was about to follow her, when he heard the same noise as before, but a bit louder.

 

Interesting that Arashi is the only one that seems to have noticed this. Either this is a plot point, or a suspicious noise is completely irrelevant to anyone's interest.

 

Well...I can always tell her later. Yeah.

 

You've waited six months. You can wait a bit longer.

 

You'll get nowhere if you don't come to face your feelings.

 

He kept following it, curious as to where it came from. His search led him to the roof, where he could hear the sound very clearly. He opened the door, and stepped outside to the roof. In a single glance he saw what looked like a baby, wearing a black cloak and a brown beret over his dark blue hair. Around the baby were around a dozen birds, a dog, and several squirrels. The baby turned to Arashi with a glare, causing him to smile nervously.

 

"Hey little guy...those animals scaring you?" he asked, approaching slightly.

 

The baby held out a necklace. Tied to it was a white whistle.

 

"It is not my fault...they came on their own." the baby said, with a small frown.

 

Except it is your fault. The animals became because you blew that whistle. That is, by definition, your fault.

 

"What do you mean? Where's your mommy, anyway?"

 

Out of all the countless questions you could be asking right now, those two should be at the bottom of your list. Why is this baby talking? Why does he have a whistle? Why isn't he scared by the animals? Why does he have blue hair?

 

"It doesn't matter, just listen. The sound you heard was this whistle, that is too high-pitched for normal humans to hear. The fact you were able to hear it means the data was right.

 

Yep, it's a plot point, and an interesting one at that.

 

You, Arashi Chiso, are destined to become the fifteenth boss of the once proud Vongola family. I was sent here to give you your mission."

 

Wait a minute, Tsuna was only supposed to become the tenth boss. If this guy is supposed to be the fifteenth, then how many years is this supposed to take place after KHR?

 

"Simple," Final said. "You must travel the world in search of all six guardians, and rebuild the Vongola to its former glory."

 

Wait, since when was this kid named? That's not how introducing the name of a character works.

 

Well, we finally got to the premise. How will Arashi react?

 

Simple, he says... "That's crazy. You're crazy. I don't care if you're a baby that can fluidly talk, I'm not believing you, or any of this.

 

So he witnesses something that should be impossible as far as he's concerned... and decides to call BS on what the baby has to say. I'm so glad that Arashi is our hero!

 

I don't even know who the hell you are! It's not even that hard to find out my name, so you're not impressing me. Now go home, kid. I've got a girl to confess to."

 

Let's assume that goes well for you. What then?

 

"Final is my name. And the question becomes whether you'll be able to confess to her, seeing as she may die."

 

Ah, that should get his attention. Arashi will dash to save Hana, and be her knight in shining armor! Go, Arashi! There isn't a moment to lose!

 

Arashi's eyes widened slightly. "What the hell? What do you mean?"

 

Final pointed down toward the entrance to the school. Arashi quickly ran to the edge of the roof to see what the baby meant.

 

At first he didn't see anything unusual, but then the entrance gate burst open, and several armed men wearing suits ran in. Arashi's hands gripped the railing harder, his body tense. He saw one of them place his finger on his ear, and his lips started moving. For some reason, Arashi could vaguely hear some fragments of what he was saying, such as "Boss, following the baby paid off..." and "We're going to search the building now". He stopped talking for a bit, then nodded, placing his hand on the pistol at his side with a grin.

 

Those don't sound like fragments. Those seem like they could have been everything the soldier would have said. In fact, how could Arashi possibly make out a single syllable of what was being said if he's up on the roof while these guys are at ground level? If Arashi was able to hear that for the same reasons that he was able to hear the whistle, that means he has superhuman hearing. If that's the case, then in cases such as the teacher yelling at him, most sounds should be like a megaphone in his ears.

 

“There's really no time to explain, but these guys are part of a mafia, and they have come to kill you. Of course, they're Mafioso, so they'll really kill everyone until they find you. Or maybe kill everyone either way. So what are you going to do?"

 

Arashi clenched his teeth, shaking a bit. "E-even if I run, they'll find me another time, won't they?"

 

"Most definitely."

 

"See those guys? Yeah, they'll probably kill everyone just to find you."

 

"Well, gotta run!"

 

Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen!

 

Guys, Tsuna was just as much of a loser when he started out, so cut Arashi some slack.

 

"B-but how can I do anything? Sure, I've gotten into a couple of fights at school over the years, but these are a group of Mafioso with guns, I'm just a teenager!" Arashi said, then turned to Final. "You know so much about the mafia, don't you have some friends you can call over that can get us out of this mess?"

 

"I have a better idea," the baby said, and pulled out a dagger with a red blade.

 

Arashi looked at the dagger and said, “You're planning to kill them with that?”

 

"Wrong, I won't be doing much of anything.”

 

Because you're lazy like that.

 

Or because he made a similar promise like Reborn made to the Ninth so that Arashi can fight his own battles.

 

Final said as he moved towards Arashi. "You are, after you die."

 

What.

 

Arashi turned around fully, his back to the railing. “W-What?!”

 

Before he could say anything else, Final tossed the red dagger, and it stabbed Arashi in the chest. He struggled to say something for a few seconds, then slid down to the ground.

 

And then there was much rejoicing across the land.

 

I’m gonna die... I really am worthless...unable to confess to Hana, or even protect her. She may really...die. Those Mafiosos will kill her....they'll...

 

Hold on, let me grab my violin.

 

Blake, stop it.

 

Wait a minute, this is exactly what happened to Tsuna when he first got hit with the Dying Will. Nice reference!

 

A bright orange flame lit up on Arashi's forehead, and his eyes opened slowly. He slowly got up, and turned to face the railing, looking downward at the ground.

 

Wait a minute, why isn't he is underwear?

 

Why do you care if he is or isn't?

 

Well, it's what happened in the first chapter of the manga.

 

“Looks like he found his dying will.” Final muttered. "I was worried he might actually have died there..."

 

Wait a minute, there was the possibility that he could have died there? What the hell, Final? I get that this is powered by his will, but if your mission involves killing the very person who is supposed to take over the mafia, you really need to rethink how this plan should work.

 

They looked up in time to see Arashi jump from the roof, and fall down to the ground. He landed with hardly a sound, on his two feet, as if he had just done a small leap. He looked up at them with an intense glare.

 

Hurray, fight sequence! Looks like Arashi is about to prove his worth.

 

The Mafioso in the back, who had slicked-back purple-dyed hair, gasped. "Look! He has a flame on his forehead, he's the one! We don't know what he's capable of, put him down!"

 

Two of the Mafiosos shot at him various times. Arashi quickly sidestepped the bullets aimed for him with a calm expression on his face. He dashed toward one of the shooters, and before he could react, kneed him in the stomach. He kicked off from the kneed Mafiosos toward the other shooter, and punched him in the face. Both men were knocked out.

 

Okay, I'm picturing this scene in my head... Yeah, that was awesome.

 

Alright, I'll concede, he's proving that he's good at being the protagonist, although the personality change is somewhat drastic.

 

Ah, you see, that's the effect of the Dying Will.

 

So as long as he keeps dying, Arashi is cool?

 

Yes!

 

Cool, so I got even more satisfaction from reading Arashi get stabbed.

 

"He's strong..." the Mafioso with purple hair muttered.

 

"That's right. And with my Dying Will...I shall protect this school!"

 

So passionate...

 

Okay, so the Dying Will actually makes inconsistent personalities into a plot point? This is the same guy who started the story bored out of his mind.

 

There were only two other Mafiosos left conscious aside from the purple-haired one, and both of them dashed at Arashi with knives. Arashi dodged the first stab, and tripped the stabber, then grabbed the hand of the other one before he could stab him, and twisted it. The Mafioso fell to the ground, clenching his broken hand, clenching his teeth and grunting. The other Mafioso stumbled up, and punched at Arashi, who ducked, and threw his own punch, hitting the attacker straight in the face, and sending him against a tree. The Mafioso with the broken hand grabbed for his gun, but Arashi stepped on his hand.

 

"Reaching for something?" he asked, then crushed the man's hand under his foot.

 

The purple-haired Mafioso had gotten his fallen comrade's rifle, and was pointing his gun forward. Not at Arashi, but at Hana and her friend, Aki, who had long black hair and brown eyes. There were lunch boxes at their feet, their contents scattered.

 

Outrageously badassadery aside, where did Hana and Aki come from?

 

"What now, little hero? You move, and they go down. So just be a good little runt and give yerself up, would ya?"

 

Arashi clenched his teeth. "Damn you..."

 

Just then, a small rock came from above, and struck the Mafioso on the head, making him stumble back.

 

"Curses, a rock! My one weakness!"

 

Who in the... he thought, then looked toward the school's roof. Final! Alright, now's my chance!

 

Arashi dashed forward before the Mafioso could regain his senses, and punched him in the gut. He fell to his knees, and Arashi kneed him, causing him to fly up a bit, before crashing to the ground. He squirmed to get up, but Arashi stepped on his chest.

 

"You're not going anywhere, punk..." Arashi muttered, and stepped down more, almost breaking one of the Mafioso's ribs.

 

The man hollered, but Arashi just knelt down and punched him on the face, knocking him out.

 

I get that this is supposed to be a shonen series about the mafia, but isn't Arashi being excessively brutal? These guys totally deserve it, but still.

 

Just then, the flame faded and Arashi quickly stood up holding his head. “Ugh, what the hell happened?” he asked.

 

He looked around and saw the Mafioso group all unconscious. He turned toward the school and saw a large crowd had gathered, with many mutterings and whisperings among them.

 

A few of the students ran up to him.

 

“Man, that was awesome!” one guy exclaimed with a grin, giving Arashi a slap on the back.

 

"How'd you do that?" another asked, his eyes wide.

 

Soon, a small group had formed around Arashi, asking him all sorts of questions. He actually began to smile, until he saw Hana still standing next to the fallen lunch boxes. A bead of sweat rolled down her cheek, and she gulped.

 

Arashi frowned, as he saw a lot of students walk away, giving him weird looks.

 

This is a pretty cute scene. I'm glad that Arashi has some fans for being awesome.

 

Except others are equally disturbed because he was, as Roxas pointed out, far more ruthless than he needed to be.

 

And he scared off Hana! That's not good. Hopefully things get better for him.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

At the end of the school day, Arashi started walking home, alone as always, still wondering what happened. Suddenly, he felt a weight on him and looked up. Final was sitting on top of his head, looking ahead.

 

“So, now do you believe me?” he asked.

 

Arashi blinked. "Final..."

 

He nodded. This caused Final to tumble down from his head. Before reaching the ground, however, he spun around once and landed perfectly on the ground.

 

"Don't nod when I'm sitting on top of your head or I'll fall off, dammit!" he said, glaring at Arashi.

 

"S-sorry..." the teenager said, then sighed. "I miss my boring life...Hana doesn't even look like she wants to ever see me again...being thrown into such a world is too much...is there no way to go back?"

 

"I liked it better when my life sucked! I hate being a hero!"

 

To be fair, this is a lot for Arashi to take in.

 

You don't understand the finer points of being cynical, do you?

 

"There isn't. Now that your destiny has come to you, you can no longer hide from it. On the upside, I'll always be by your side until you become a Mafia boss."

 

"R-really? That's so great of you!" Arashi exclaimed, smiling.

 

"No, it's not." Final said, then turned around and begun walking. "It's my job. Now come on, you don't want to miss our flight."

 

"Flight? I heard nothing about a flight!"

 

"We're going to Italy, which is the most likely place for a Guardian to be. Remember, you have to find all six of them."

 

So are we reading a Pokémon story where Arashi has to recruit humans, or was this actually part of the plot in Reborn?

 

No, Tsuna just got his Guardians over time. The plot of this story doesn't have to be exactly the same as the manga.

 

I suppose you're right, and since this is the first chapter, it seems like it should be able to differentiate itself from the source material.

 

"Right...you could have at least told me, so I can mentally prepare... but tell me, what was up with that dagger? I don't remember anything since the time I was stabbed up until when I came to."

 

Final stopped walking, and looked back at Arashi. "It was a dagger whose blade made with the same stuff as the Dying Will bullet. It's a material that allows a person to enter "Dying Will Mode", as it is referred to, by giving you the strength to fulfill your Dying Will. It only lasts five minutes though."

 

"And...if I didn't have a dying will when I was stabbed?"

 

Final turned away from Arashi again. "Well...I am an assassin..."

 

J-just what kind of scary person did I get involved with...? Arashi thought, trembling.

 

And that's the end of the first Target chapter. It actually wasn't so bad. I would imagine that Arashi will man up over the course of the story, but there isn't much of a plot besides Arashi's impending inheritance and his search for his Guardians. And why does he have to get specifically six Guardians.

 

Well, you see, there are these things called Arcobaleno, and-

 

That's nice. It wasn't too bad, but I'm really not interested in the story quite yet.

 

This is definitely worth the read though. You enjoyed it, right nightwing?

 

I sure did! I strongly recommend this story other KHR fans, and since there are nine chapters, there's plenty to read here. And you guys can call me Ven if you want.

 

Well, Ven, thank you for your time. I'll talk to you later, okay?

 

Alright, see you later!

 

 

So what now?

 

I didn't even consider it before, but there's another Roxas out there. The problem is, how come we could communicate with the Ven from that universe? I guess that Ven is the Chaos Sonic of that universe.

 

Maybe there's an alternate universe where he actually is a hawk?

 

More importantly, this could be related to why Votek is recruiting the protagonists.

 

Speaking of Votek... he's written another Divination.

 

 

Oh God... What did he do he Tay?

 

It's hard to tell, but it can't be good. All the more reason to be evasive of him.

 

He called you "The Chronicler". What did he mean by that?

 

Your guess is as good as mine.

 

So what do we do now?

 

We'll have to monitor his movements. He seems willing to play along with the game, and he pretty much admitted that he's going after Ryu next. Guess that means we're going to have to find Brandon. He's got a Gastly for who knows whatever reason, so he might be able to help us against Votek.

 

You let me know when you figure out how we're supposed to even find him.

 

We were lucky enough for Ven to find us, but what about Brandon?

 

I thought you said we should be passionate?

 

Shut up.

 

Edited December 21, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Super Chaos Sonic]

[spoiler=21 Guns - {Return of the Vongola}]...

 

So?

 

"So" what?

 

How are we going to recruit Ven Hawk?

 

I don't know. I thought you guys might know.

 

I can't travel across universes, if that's why you're saying.

 

But Jen can, so I thought she might be able to help.

 

I told you, I don't know how I got here.

 

Then what do you suggest we do?

 

Hm…

 

Well?

 

I'm thinking! Wait, I got it! Just believe as hard as you can that we'll go and find this Ven guy. That might work!

 

Well, I'm believing as hard as I can.

 

It's not working.

 

You're just not being passionate enough!

 

Roxas, how much longer do we have to deal with her?

 

Come on guys! We got to hold hands, otherwise-

 

No.

 

Absolutely not.

 

Stop being such babies. Here, I'll hold your hands.

 

Fine.

 

Hold on guys, I'm getting a call on Skype.

 

Who is it?

 

...No way.

 

What?

 

It says it's Ven Hawk.

 

How can that be?

 

Answer him!

 

Um, hello?

 

Hey, Roxas! You said you wanted to talk?

 

Blake, what's going on here?

 

In Heroes Corps., Ven is a member of YCM. Roxas probably exists as a character within that series.

 

So it's like the opposite of us being characters but we can exist in the real world with Roxas.

 

Ven must think he's talking to the Roxas in his world. Now I can't help but wonder about all the possible alternate versions of us that might be out there.

 

You know my Phantom's Divinations thread in Fan Fic, right?

 

Sure do!

 

Well, remember when Fenrir and Dark did a series of audio reviews? I was thinking that we should something like that too.

 

Why me?

 

Listen, I think someone's out to get me, and I think they're going to use you against me.

 

Why would they do that? There's no way that I would turn on you!

 

I'm glad to hear that. Anyway, you know Katekyo Hitman Reborn, right? Because I sure don't.

 

Dude, KHR is awesome.

 

Anyway, let's review this fanfic by Chaos Sonic called "Return of the Vongola".

 

Who's Chaos Sonic?

 

Seriously?

 

So who are your friends?

 

We'll get to them in a bit. Let me just set up the recording equipment. Okay, let's start. Hello, YCM. I'm Phantom Roxas.

 

And I'm nightwing2199.

 

I decided to do thing's a little differently tonight and have an audio recording. Joining us are my friends Blake and Jen.

 

Hi everyone!

 

Hey guys.

 

Blake? So you named the character in Zodiac Cross after him?

 

Eh, something like that. Anyway, for this episode, we'll be reviewing "Return of the Vongola" by Chaos Sonic.

 

This guy has six stars? How come I've never seen him? Did he get a name change?

 

Anyway, to some it should be obvious, but this is a Katekyo Hitman Reborn fanfic. This fanfic seems to have a fanbase of its own, and it's currently on it's ninth chapter. I am not anticipating anything bad, but I am here by Chaos Sonic's own request. Apparently this story does not feature Tsuna, the main character of Reborn, so I assume that knowledge of the series is not required for enjoying this story. Let's start with Target 1. Wait, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

 

Oh, the anime referred to each episode as a "Target".

 

A teenage boy with spiky red hair, and boy-ish facial features

 

As opposed to a boy with girl-ish features.

 

sat near the window of the classroom. He closed his brownish-red eyes and yawned loudly, covering his mouth with his hand. He looked out the window, his face rested against his palm, as he had been frequently doing so for the whole class. Noticing nothing new, he glanced over to his right, about two desks away from his. His eyes caught sight of their target, a young girl with light blond hair that reached down to her shoulders and bluish gray eyes, which were slender. Her thin lips were curved into a small smile as she stared at the teacher.

 

I'm liking the character description so far, but I can only imagine them as detailed heads on an unremarkable class uniform.

 

I can't believe Hana's interested in this stuff. History is boring as hell.

 

And as long as you're bored, so is this story.

 

Well, this girl is kind of Kyoko, so she's the love interest.

 

That's obvious, so I'd like to see how this love story develops.

 

Arashi thought, looking up at the ceiling, his hands behind his head as he leaned back on his chair. He glanced at her again. Then again, this whole school's boring. There's nothing to do around here...maybe I should...yeah, that's right, I can do it. Nothing to be afraid of! Alright, today, after half a year of having a crush on her, I'll finally tell her my feelings!

 

This thought process is so clichéd that it indicates that his attempted confession will not go well.

 

“Arashi Chiso!” the teacher’s called, almost making Arashi fall out of his chair. “Are you still daydreaming, or do you mind answering the question?”

 

The teacher's what called?

 

I'm actually surprised Chaos didn't notice that.

 

The boy gulped. "Um...that is an interesting question sir! It makes the student rationalize, and is made to trick the untrained mind! Without further ado I'd have to say it is option 'B'!"

 

The awkward idiocy. It hurts.

 

Arashi heard a few chuckles and snickers from around the room, and sighed, laying his head between his arms. Just then, he heard a small noise, like a faint whistle. He looked to the side, out the window, but saw nothing. He shrugged slightly, and closed his eyes.

 

The most interesting thing so far is the mystery of what question the teacher asked.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Arashi was the last to walk out of class when the lunch bell rang. He saw Hana turn the corner, and was about to follow her, when he heard the same noise as before, but a bit louder.

 

Interesting that Arashi is the only one that seems to have noticed this. Either this is a plot point, or a suspicious noise is completely irrelevant to anyone's interest.

 

Well...I can always tell her later. Yeah.

 

You've waited six months. You can wait a bit longer.

 

You'll get nowhere if you don't come to face your feelings.

 

He kept following it, curious as to where it came from. His search led him to the roof, where he could hear the sound very clearly. He opened the door, and stepped outside to the roof. In a single glance he saw what looked like a baby, wearing a black cloak and a brown beret over his dark blue hair. Around the baby were around a dozen birds, a dog, and several squirrels. The baby turned to Arashi with a glare, causing him to smile nervously.

 

"Hey little guy...those animals scaring you?" he asked, approaching slightly.

 

The baby held out a necklace. Tied to it was a white whistle.

 

"It is not my fault...they came on their own." the baby said, with a small frown.

 

Except it is your fault. The animals became because you blew that whistle. That is, by definition, your fault.

 

"What do you mean? Where's your mommy, anyway?"

 

Out of all the countless questions you could be asking right now, those two should be at the bottom of your list. Why is this baby talking? Why does he have a whistle? Why isn't he scared by the animals? Why does he have blue hair?

 

"It doesn't matter, just listen. The sound you heard was this whistle, that is too high-pitched for normal humans to hear. The fact you were able to hear it means the data was right.

 

Yep, it's a plot point, and an interesting one at that.

 

You, Arashi Chiso, are destined to become the fifteenth boss of the once proud Vongola family. I was sent here to give you your mission."

 

Wait a minute, Tsuna was only supposed to become the tenth boss. If this guy is supposed to be the fifteenth, then how many years is this supposed to take place after KHR?

 

"Simple," Final said. "You must travel the world in search of all six guardians, and rebuild the Vongola to its former glory."

 

Wait, since when was this kid named? That's not how introducing the name of a character works.

 

Well, we finally got to the premise. How will Arashi react?

 

Simple, he says... "That's crazy. You're crazy. I don't care if you're a baby that can fluidly talk, I'm not believing you, or any of this.

 

So he witnesses something that should be impossible as far as he's concerned... and decides to call BS on what the baby has to say. I'm so glad that Arashi is our hero!

 

I don't even know who the hell you are! It's not even that hard to find out my name, so you're not impressing me. Now go home, kid. I've got a girl to confess to."

 

Let's assume that goes well for you. What then?

 

"Final is my name. And the question becomes whether you'll be able to confess to her, seeing as she may die."

 

Ah, that should get his attention. Arashi will dash to save Hana, and be her knight in shining armor! Go, Arashi! There isn't a moment to lose!

 

Arashi's eyes widened slightly. "What the hell? What do you mean?"

 

Final pointed down toward the entrance to the school. Arashi quickly ran to the edge of the roof to see what the baby meant.

 

At first he didn't see anything unusual, but then the entrance gate burst open, and several armed men wearing suits ran in. Arashi's hands gripped the railing harder, his body tense. He saw one of them place his finger on his ear, and his lips started moving. For some reason, Arashi could vaguely hear some fragments of what he was saying, such as "Boss, following the baby paid off..." and "We're going to search the building now". He stopped talking for a bit, then nodded, placing his hand on the pistol at his side with a grin.

 

Those don't sound like fragments. Those seem like they could have been everything the soldier would have said. In fact, how could Arashi possibly make out a single syllable of what was being said if he's up on the roof while these guys are at ground level? If Arashi was able to hear that for the same reasons that he was able to hear the whistle, that means he has superhuman hearing. If that's the case, then in cases such as the teacher yelling at him, most sounds should be like a megaphone in his ears.

 

“There's really no time to explain, but these guys are part of a mafia, and they have come to kill you. Of course, they're Mafioso, so they'll really kill everyone until they find you. Or maybe kill everyone either way. So what are you going to do?"

 

Arashi clenched his teeth, shaking a bit. "E-even if I run, they'll find me another time, won't they?"

 

"Most definitely."

 

"See those guys? Yeah, they'll probably kill everyone just to find you."

 

"Well, gotta run!"

 

Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen!

 

Guys, Tsuna was just as much of a loser when he started out, so cut Arashi some slack.

 

"B-but how can I do anything? Sure, I've gotten into a couple of fights at school over the years, but these are a group of Mafioso with guns, I'm just a teenager!" Arashi said, then turned to Final. "You know so much about the mafia, don't you have some friends you can call over that can get us out of this mess?"

 

"I have a better idea," the baby said, and pulled out a dagger with a red blade.

 

Arashi looked at the dagger and said, “You're planning to kill them with that?”

 

"Wrong, I won't be doing much of anything.”

 

Because you're lazy like that.

 

Or because he made a similar promise like Reborn made to the Ninth so that Arashi can fight his own battles.

 

Final said as he moved towards Arashi. "You are, after you die."

 

What.

 

Arashi turned around fully, his back to the railing. “W-What?!”

 

Before he could say anything else, Final tossed the red dagger, and it stabbed Arashi in the chest. He struggled to say something for a few seconds, then slid down to the ground.

 

And then there was much rejoicing across the land.

 

I’m gonna die... I really am worthless...unable to confess to Hana, or even protect her. She may really...die. Those Mafiosos will kill her....they'll...

 

Hold on, let me grab my violin.

 

Blake, stop it.

 

Wait a minute, this is exactly what happened to Tsuna when he first got hit with the Dying Will. Nice reference!

 

A bright orange flame lit up on Arashi's forehead, and his eyes opened slowly. He slowly got up, and turned to face the railing, looking downward at the ground.

 

Wait a minute, why isn't he is underwear?

 

Why do you care if he is or isn't?

 

Well, it's what happened in the first chapter of the manga.

 

“Looks like he found his dying will.” Final muttered. "I was worried he might actually have died there..."

 

Wait a minute, there was the possibility that he could have died there? What the hell, Final? I get that this is powered by his will, but if your mission involves killing the very person who is supposed to take over the mafia, you really need to rethink how this plan should work.

 

They looked up in time to see Arashi jump from the roof, and fall down to the ground. He landed with hardly a sound, on his two feet, as if he had just done a small leap. He looked up at them with an intense glare.

 

Hurray, fight sequence! Looks like Arashi is about to prove his worth.

 

The Mafioso in the back, who had slicked-back purple-dyed hair, gasped. "Look! He has a flame on his forehead, he's the one! We don't know what he's capable of, put him down!"

 

Two of the Mafiosos shot at him various times. Arashi quickly sidestepped the bullets aimed for him with a calm expression on his face. He dashed toward one of the shooters, and before he could react, kneed him in the stomach. He kicked off from the kneed Mafiosos toward the other shooter, and punched him in the face. Both men were knocked out.

 

Okay, I'm picturing this scene in my head... Yeah, that was awesome.

 

Alright, I'll concede, he's proving that he's good at being the protagonist, although the personality change is somewhat drastic.

 

Ah, you see, that's the effect of the Dying Will.

 

So as long as he keeps dying, Arashi is cool?

 

Yes!

 

Cool, so I got even more satisfaction from reading Arashi get stabbed.

 

"He's strong..." the Mafioso with purple hair muttered.

 

"That's right. And with my Dying Will...I shall protect this school!"

 

So passionate...

 

Okay, so the Dying Will actually makes inconsistent personalities into a plot point? This is the same guy who started the story bored out of his mind.

 

There were only two other Mafiosos left conscious aside from the purple-haired one, and both of them dashed at Arashi with knives. Arashi dodged the first stab, and tripped the stabber, then grabbed the hand of the other one before he could stab him, and twisted it. The Mafioso fell to the ground, clenching his broken hand, clenching his teeth and grunting. The other Mafioso stumbled up, and punched at Arashi, who ducked, and threw his own punch, hitting the attacker straight in the face, and sending him against a tree. The Mafioso with the broken hand grabbed for his gun, but Arashi stepped on his hand.

 

"Reaching for something?" he asked, then crushed the man's hand under his foot.

 

The purple-haired Mafioso had gotten his fallen comrade's rifle, and was pointing his gun forward. Not at Arashi, but at Hana and her friend, Aki, who had long black hair and brown eyes. There were lunch boxes at their feet, their contents scattered.

 

Outrageously badassadery aside, where did Hana and Aki come from?

 

"What now, little hero? You move, and they go down. So just be a good little runt and give yerself up, would ya?"

 

Arashi clenched his teeth. "Damn you..."

 

Just then, a small rock came from above, and struck the Mafioso on the head, making him stumble back.

 

"Curses, a rock! My one weakness!"

 

Who in the... he thought, then looked toward the school's roof. Final! Alright, now's my chance!

 

Arashi dashed forward before the Mafioso could regain his senses, and punched him in the gut. He fell to his knees, and Arashi kneed him, causing him to fly up a bit, before crashing to the ground. He squirmed to get up, but Arashi stepped on his chest.

 

"You're not going anywhere, punk..." Arashi muttered, and stepped down more, almost breaking one of the Mafioso's ribs.

 

The man hollered, but Arashi just knelt down and punched him on the face, knocking him out.

 

I get that this is supposed to be a shonen series about the mafia, but isn't Arashi being excessively brutal? These guys totally deserve it, but still.

 

Just then, the flame faded and Arashi quickly stood up holding his head. “Ugh, what the hell happened?” he asked.

 

He looked around and saw the Mafioso group all unconscious. He turned toward the school and saw a large crowd had gathered, with many mutterings and whisperings among them.

 

A few of the students ran up to him.

 

“Man, that was awesome!” one guy exclaimed with a grin, giving Arashi a slap on the back.

 

"How'd you do that?" another asked, his eyes wide.

 

Soon, a small group had formed around Arashi, asking him all sorts of questions. He actually began to smile, until he saw Hana still standing next to the fallen lunch boxes. A bead of sweat rolled down her cheek, and she gulped.

 

Arashi frowned, as he saw a lot of students walk away, giving him weird looks.

 

This is a pretty cute scene. I'm glad that Arashi has some fans for being awesome.

 

Except others are equally disturbed because he was, as Roxas pointed out, far more ruthless than he needed to be.

 

And he scared off Hana! That's not good. Hopefully things get better for him.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

At the end of the school day, Arashi started walking home, alone as always, still wondering what happened. Suddenly, he felt a weight on him and looked up. Final was sitting on top of his head, looking ahead.

 

“So, now do you believe me?” he asked.

 

Arashi blinked. "Final..."

 

He nodded. This caused Final to tumble down from his head. Before reaching the ground, however, he spun around once and landed perfectly on the ground.

 

"Don't nod when I'm sitting on top of your head or I'll fall off, dammit!" he said, glaring at Arashi.

 

"S-sorry..." the teenager said, then sighed. "I miss my boring life...Hana doesn't even look like she wants to ever see me again...being thrown into such a world is too much...is there no way to go back?"

 

"I liked it better when my life sucked! I hate being a hero!"

 

To be fair, this is a lot for Arashi to take in.

 

You don't understand the finer points of being cynical, do you?

 

"There isn't. Now that your destiny has come to you, you can no longer hide from it. On the upside, I'll always be by your side until you become a Mafia boss."

 

"R-really? That's so great of you!" Arashi exclaimed, smiling.

 

"No, it's not." Final said, then turned around and begun walking. "It's my job. Now come on, you don't want to miss our flight."

 

"Flight? I heard nothing about a flight!"

 

"We're going to Italy, which is the most likely place for a Guardian to be. Remember, you have to find all six of them."

 

So are we reading a Pokémon story where Arashi has to recruit humans, or was this actually part of the plot in Reborn?

 

No, Tsuna just got his Guardians over time. The plot of this story doesn't have to be exactly the same as the manga.

 

I suppose you're right, and since this is the first chapter, it seems like it should be able to differentiate itself from the source material.

 

"Right...you could have at least told me, so I can mentally prepare... but tell me, what was up with that dagger? I don't remember anything since the time I was stabbed up until when I came to."

 

Final stopped walking, and looked back at Arashi. "It was a dagger whose blade made with the same stuff as the Dying Will bullet. It's a material that allows a person to enter "Dying Will Mode", as it is referred to, by giving you the strength to fulfill your Dying Will. It only lasts five minutes though."

 

"And...if I didn't have a dying will when I was stabbed?"

 

Final turned away from Arashi again. "Well...I am an assassin..."

 

J-just what kind of scary person did I get involved with...? Arashi thought, trembling.

 

And that's the end of the first Target chapter. It actually wasn't so bad. I would imagine that Arashi will man up over the course of the story, but there isn't much of a plot besides Arashi's impending inheritance and his search for his Guardians. And why does he have to get specifically six Guardians.

 

Well, you see, there are these things called Arcobaleno, and-

 

That's nice. It wasn't too bad, but I'm really not interested in the story quite yet.

 

This is definitely worth the read though. You enjoyed it, right nightwing?

 

I sure did! I strongly recommend this story other KHR fans, and since there are nine chapters, there's plenty to read here. And you guys can call me Ven if you want.

 

Well, Ven, thank you for your time. I'll talk to you later, okay?

 

Alright, see you later!

 

 

So what now?

 

I didn't even consider it before, but there's another Roxas out there. The problem is, how come we could communicate with the Ven from that universe? I guess that Ven is the Chaos Sonic of that universe.

 

Maybe there's an alternate universe where he actually is a hawk?

 

More importantly, this could be related to why Votek is recruiting the protagonists.

 

Speaking of Votek... he's written another Divination.

 

 

Oh God... What did he do he Tay?

 

It's hard to tell, but it can't be good. All the more reason to be evasive of him.

 

He called you "The Chronicler". What did he mean by that?

 

Your guess is as good as mine.

 

So what do we do now?

 

We'll have to monitor his movements. He seems willing to play along with the game, and he pretty much admitted that he's going after Ryu next. Guess that means we're going to have to find Brandon. He's got a Gastly for who knows whatever reason, so he might be able to help us against Votek.

 

You let me know when you figure out how we're supposed to even find him.

 

We were lucky enough for Ven to find us, but what Brandon?

 

I thought you said we should be passionate?

 

Shut up.

 

 

XD This is my favorite out of the reviews now!

 

Gotta love the comic relief you had with Ven Hawk. LOL

 

Thanks again Roxas!

[Phantom Roxas]

Honestly, it feels like I have more plot than actual reviewing. I'm glad that you liked Ven's portrayal. Rest assured, you have not seen the last of him. I'm sure you noticed that I used your YouTube username as his YCM username. I hope you were able to tell his comments apart from Jen's.

[Super Chaos Sonic]

Techincally nightwing2199 was my old username before Chaos Sonic ^^;

 

Apparently I used that username a bit too much back then LOL

 

And yeah, I was able to tell his comments apart from Jen's.

[Phantom Roxas]

I wanted to use a different username for you, but your display name history didn't show any old names. Fortunately, your profile listed your YouTube name, so I used that.

 

I use "Phantom Roxas" practically everywhere now.

[Super Chaos Sonic]

LOL

 

Yeah, nowadays I use other things besides nightwing2199, but half the time I just stick with it.