Phantom's Divinations |23 is Number 1!|

[Phantom Roxas]

Don't Rua and Ruka look exactly the same? How can you tell whether Luru looks like Ruka or Rua?

 

[spoiler=Because this is the picture he used for Luru]

 

 

 

 

Hey Phantom' date=' can you criticize my work?

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-210846.html

 

It would be very appreciated if you can constructively criticize it. It still may need some work and it would be good to find what is wrong with it. Thanks:D

[/quote']

 

You already got a Weather Report and a C-4 Bomb Scan. My criticism will inevitably be redundant.

 

Anyway, I've been thinking of bringing in some guest stars that most certainly would not be plagiarized by other reviewers. Thoughts?

[Phantom Roxas]

Because this is the picture he used for Luru

 

Rua and Ruka are still sufficiently similar that it could be chance.

 

Except Ruka wears a pink shirt and red' date=' long sleeved shirt, and psychicplayer said that he altered the picture himself.

 

You already got a Weather Report and a C-4 Bomb Scan. My criticism will inevitably be redundant.

 

The C-4 Bomb Scan was worse than a Pichu alleged-review. That hardly counts.

 

I haven't really read it yet' date=' so I didn't know.

 

Anyway' date=' I've been thinking of bringing in some guest stars that most certainly would not be plagiarized by other reviewers. Thoughts?

[/quote']

 

I'm actually rather against the idea of guest reviewers now, since I found them to mostly be a stupid gimmick that just got in the way.

 

Very well. I suppose I can do without them anyway.

[Phantom Roxas]

Phantom's Divinations returns with 6 Degrees of Separation!

 

[spoiler=6 Degrees of Separation - {The Heroes Corps. - The Fading World}]Uh...

 

Roxas?

 

Just a few more minutes.

 

Roxas, it's me. Blake. You've been sleeping for weeks now.

 

Blake? What in blazes are you doing here?

 

First off, you really need to update Zodiac Cross, but more importantly, you have a Divination to do.

 

Divination? But I have Takuto as my avatar now!

 

That's a pretty terrible excuse for why you're too lazy to do it. Just because you have a different avatar doesn't mean you can automatically stop doing Divinations. I found something that would be perfect for a revival.

 

Fine. What are we reading?

 

"The Heroes Corps. - The Fading World", by Chaos Sonic. Judging by the banner, it's a crossover between Naruto, Kingdom Hearts, and Katekyo Hitman Reborn! There's some other guy on the banner I don't recognize though.

 

I know Kingdom Hearts is pretty much one of the go-to series when it comes to crossovers, but why is Naruto even more popular? Sure, I like Naruto, but it's just ridiculous.

 

Which reminds me, how's that adaptation of the YGT coming along?

 

Um, let's start with the prologue.

 

I knew it.

 

Different worlds, different heroes…but they all have the same goal.

 

Become Hokage?

 

Bang redheads?

 

.....

 

What?

 

The worlds I talk about are the worlds of the Anime universe,

 

Then why is Sora in this?

 

the ones where heroes have incredible strength and power. In the center of these worlds stands one world…where all the heroes come together for the greater good.

 

The greater good.

 

But our story will not be taking place in these worlds not yet anyway.

 

Run-on sentence aside, the idea of having a world like that would have made for a nice plot twist, but the fact that it has such a brief reference of "there's this cool place, but we're going to talk about that later" pretty much spoils it. Not to mention this seems to be just another "when worlds collide" kind of story.

 

And you're one to talk about doing cliché "when worlds collide" stories with brief backstory as a prologue? Look at Hopeless Paradise and the YGT.

 

The beginning of this tale shall begin in a world far from these…a world known as Earth.

 

Oh crap.

 

What's wrong?

 

You'll see.

 

And the warrior that will help these heroes with protecting the universes and the worlds, is a sixteen year old boy named Ven Hawk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our main character ladies and gentlemen.

 

The fact that you just made that is either astounding or depressing. I'm guessing the latter.

 

Quiet, you. Anyway, that was our prologue, so let's check out Chapter 1: The Arrival.

 

It was around 12:00 PM on Earth where Ven lived.

 

And here I was expecting Ven to be living on Neptune. Curse the evil prologue for not informing me where our avian hero lives.

 

He was on his laptop jamming to his playlist and talking to his best friends. Ven was pretty much a Caucasian male with light brown eyes and brown hair that he spiked up. He wore a pair of Kaki pants held up by a leather belt, he wore a blue t-shirt that was tucked in, a white button less shirt over top, and wore a pair of black Converse shoes.

 

I love the use of "pretty much", which shows that Chaos Sonic shrugged when describing our hero. At least the description is better than how I would describe that abomination Roxas just showed.

 

He sighed and ran his fingers threw his hair, saying, “Dang, I’m getting bored over here! Right now no one is on YCM and my friends aren’t on Facebook either.”

 

This is what I was worried about.

 

That reminds me. Why do you and Alex talk to yourselves when no one else is around?

 

It helps us think better?

 

Nice try, Skippy. Anyway, it would appear Ven is an Author Avatar for Chaos Sonic here. Thank heavens I'm at least a decent example of how to make one.

 

Ven began to type up some stuff and looked through YCM’s Role Playing section to see if there was any RP’s he could post in….unfortunately there wasn’t any.

 

Why don't you just start your own roleplay?

 

He sighed again and leaned back in his chair. He closed his eyes and wished he could do something fun for a change. Sure he was alright with watching YouTube, but most of the Anime he watched he finished watching, especially “Katekyo Hitman Reborn!”….which was on hiatus.

 

Then why don't you watch Star Driver or look around to see if there's any other anime to watch or manga to read? You're a typical shonen otaku protagonist, so it shouldn't be hard.

 

“I can’t handle this boring crap anymore.” Ven said with another sigh.

 

I am in despair! My laziness to play video games, look up new anime, or go to the GameStop that is perfectly within walking distance has left me in despair!"

 

Just then, his messenger said he got a new e-mail in his inbox.

 

Wait, he had a messenger on and didn't bother to tell other people that he was bored or attempt to talk with them? Sure, no one's on Facebook, but he said nothing about there being no one on his messenger.

 

He clicked his inbox and he saw it was addressed to him, but there was name on who sent it.

 

Who's name was on it- Wait, did you seriously just mess up "no name"?

 

OK, this usually means a virus…but something is different.

 

"It didn't attack my computer as fast as usual."

 

I feel like something with this is alright. he said thinking to himself as he opened the message.

 

I don't really understand punctuation with thoughts myself, since I don't really do that that much, but how does one say something thinking to themselves? Usually I would have just thought of something.

 

Dear Ven,

If you want to leave this boring life behind, then please take your cell phone and text “Yes” to 2713. If you want to just stay and be bored with nothing to do, then do not reply to us. But you must reply within the next 60 seconds or we will not accept your text.

 

Fail and face erasure. Signed, The Call.

 

“OK…that is a little creepy.” Ven said with a gulp. But he did like the sound of something being not so boring. He quickly grabbed his cell phone and texted “Yes” to 2713.

 

Noblesse Oblige. I pray that you will become our Canon Sue.

 

Hey Roxas, remember how Neku from The World Ends With You deleted a message like that for being spam?

 

You mean like what most people would do?

 

Precisely.

 

Suddenly, his phone’s screen shone with a bright white light, engulfing the entire room. Ven’s eyes were blinded and he used his hand to shield them, but then he heard strange noises around him. Soon the light faded as Ven looked around and made a discovery. He discovered he was no longer in his room. He stood in the center of a small room with chairs all around it.

 

Truly this is a revolutionary discovery!

 

I must study this newfound room!

 

For SCIENCE!

 

Then he heard a voice say, “You must be Ven Hawk. Welcome to the Hero Corps.”

 

We'd call ourselves something sillier, but we need to sound tough.

 

“Wait a minute…that voice.” Ven said looking at the first chair. “Y-You’re Sora from the ‘Kingdom Hearts’ series!!”

 

"Actually, no. I'm really-"

 

No, don't spoil that.

 

Sorry.

 

It was true the person that spoke to Ven, was indeed Sora. “OK, what the heck is going on around here?!?!”

 

"Why do I suddenly use both question marks and exclamation points twice?"

 

Ordinarily, I'd end things here, but since nothing has really happened other than we've established that our hero is a bored self-insert that's going to be the hero of a team made up of the heroes of Chaos Sonic's favorite franchises, I honestly think that we should continue to Chapter 2. Besides, I might as well do something special for the revival.

 

And introducing your first recurring guest commentator isn't special enough?

 

Who said you're going to be recurring? Besides, I don't have to continue Zodiac Cross.

 

Can I at least stay for the rest of the review?

 

Sure. Our talking probably has more content than this fic as it is.

 

Then let's move on to Chapter 2: A New Trainee

 

Ven looked and saw Sora walking towards him. He was wearing his apparel from “Kingdom Hearts 2” and he stopped and held his hand out to Ven. “Hey, you gonna lay on the floor all day?” he asked with a smile.

 

Wait, the Sora in this story is wearing his black outfit? This story finally has something great going for it!

 

....

 

Well, Kingdom Hearts II is the only game where you can play as Sora in that black outfit, so it's a nice change of pace.

 

“Oh! S-Sorry about that...” Ven said grabbing Sora’s hand and was pulled up off the ground by hm. “OK…is this a dream or something because one of my favorite video game characters is in front of me face to face!”

 

No, it's real. My dream adventure would have me team up with Sora, Ratchet, and Sly Cooper as I ride my Flygon into battle to save the Jews from Hans Landa. Except Guido Orefice. He gets a punch in the face since Robert Benigni made that insulting piece of a movie in the first place, then I'll feed him to my Umbreon. But that's just me.

 

Focus!

 

Then Ven heard another voice from behind. “This is no dream, no-good Ven!” Then Ven felt a kick to his head and fell face first on the ground.

 

I applaud this mystery character.

 

Ven slowly got up and held my face.

 

Wait a minute, so we got a case of The Ishmael here? Who's the decoy protagonist here? Our Ishmael or Ven?

 

No, I think Chaos Sonic just put "my" when he should have put "his". My guess is that he just mixed up first- and third-person perspective for our moment. Don't ask me how one does that. Of course, he could be referring to the narrator from the prologue.

 

“OW THAT HURT!!!!” he yelled. He turned and then saw what appeared to be a small infant wearing a black tuxedo, an orange pacifier hanging around his neck, black hair with two curly sideburns, a black hat with an orange ribbon around it and a small green lizard sitting on side of the hat. “Wait a sec! Y-Y-You’re…” Ven started.

 

The infant grabbed his lizard by the tail and it transformed into a small handgun and then shot a small red bullet passed Ven’s head, hitting a desk behind him. “That’s right, Arcobaleno and the best hitman ever, Reborn!” the infant said with a smile.

 

“DUDE!?! That was almost my head!!” Ven said holding the side of his head, checking for blood.

 

Nothing? Don't we usually butt in every line?

 

No, this part is actually pretty acceptable, barring the unnecessary all-caps and punctuation. Besides, I'm not really a fan of KHR, so I can't complain.

 

Sora laughed a little and said, “Don’t worry, Reborn would kill ya. Besides we really need you to help us.”

 

Yes, assuring me that a baby would kill me really makes me feel better.

 

“Wait…what?” Ven asked looking at Sora. “You need my help…for what exactly??”

 

"You're a Keyblade master and a baby hitman that can turn a lizard into a gun! What could someone like me possibly do?"

 

Reborn kicked Ven’s face and said, “Stop talking and listen.”

 

"I'd say that this would make me want to actually pick up KHR, but I read the first chapter a while ago and didn't really care for Reborn there either.

 

He the looked at Ven and said, “There are, as you know many worlds of Anime…mainly because of the many Animes out there.”

 

"We're not going to delve into the psychological aspect of us realizing that we're all only fictional characters, so that's our explanation for the plot."

 

Ven nodded and said, “Yeah. You’re from “Katekyo Hitman Reborn!” and Sora is from “Kingdom Hearts”…so what?”

 

“The thing is, Ven…” Sora said continuing from where Reborn stopped. “The heroes from those Anime worlds come here and formed the ‘Heroes Corps.’ a group to protect the worlds and the other surrounding worlds from any evil activity or anything that might harm others.”

 

I have been rather curious about what would happen in the case of a Big Bad Ensemble for something like this. I mean, imagine all the different Instrumentality or destruction plots, but at least we got the heroes teaming up like this.

 

“And this has to do with me…because??” Ven asked standing up.

 

Sora and Reborn both sighed and shook their heads. Then another voice was heard, “Yosh! It means that you’ve been chosen to join the Corps!!”

 

"Yosh?" Don't you know it's never a good thing to have gratuitous Japanese like that? Besides, why would they choose Ven?

 

Ven looked past Sora and saw a boy with blond hair, whiskers on his cheeks, blue eyes, a headband with a weird symbol, and a black and orange jumpsuit. “Naruto Uzumaki??” he asked looking at the boy.

 

Oh, this definitely solves the current topic in the Naruto thread if it took Ven that long to notice Naruto. Also, if Ven is familiar with Naruto, wouldn't he know that the symbol on Naruto's headband is a leaf?

 

The boy nodded and said, “That’s me! Naruto Uzumaki, future Hokage of Konoha!!” He smirked and held a fist in front of him. Then he was brought to the ground by Reborn, jumping up into the air and flipping him. “OW!! Reborn, why the heck did you do that?!?” Naruto asked.

 

“You talk too much.” Reborn said looking at Naruto. Then he glanced at Ven and asked, “So now do you understand why you’ve been brought here??”

 

Ven nodded slightly and said, “Yeah…I do! So do I get any awesome Anime powers or what??”

 

I think it's about time I mention that you shouldn't have to capitalize "anime". There's no need to.

 

Sora, Reborn, and Naruto gave an exchange of glances and Sora finally said, “Well…first we have to train you to find out what your best with. But I do know one thing…your heart is pure. So you may have a shot at wielding one of these!”

 

Then before Ven’s eyes, he saw Sora summon to his hand a blade which held the shape of a key. “The Keyblade…” he said awing at the blade.

 

"I still have no idea what the hell is on Naruto's headband, but I definitely know that's a Keyblade!"

 

He smiled and said, “Well consider me on board! Looks like you all found yourself a new trainee!”

 

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in space, floated a large battleship. It was dark black with small windows on it. On the top it had a Jolly Roger, but it was different for most. This Jolly Roger, held the Roman number “XIII” and a small design of an egg.

 

This is just a nitpick, but there didn't need to be a comma after "This Jolly Roger", and it's "Roman numberal". Other than that, if I ever saw a Jolly Roger like that, I wouldn't be able to take it seriously. Not to mention that without a skull, it's just a regular flag.

 

Inside a rather large man with a bald head wearing a pair of black pants, a red doctor’s shirt, a pair of goggles, and a mustache that was on his face. He gazed out the window of the ship, until a person with a black cloak on said, “Dr. Eggman we’ll be at Planet Corps, home of the Heroes Corps, very shortly.”

 

Dr. Eggman turned and said, “Thank you for that update…now be gone.” He gazed back outside again and said, “Soon…soon I will control the Anime universes and all other worlds and universes with it!” The last sound, before the person closed the door, all that was heard, was Dr. Eggman’s evil laugh.

 

 

And that's the end of that. So unsurprisingly, we got a typical crisis crossover where our main character, a very standard guy, is somehow thrust into the problem and told to be the hero, and he accepts just because he gets to team up with his favorite heroes, completely satisfied with the vague non-responses he's given.

 

Plus I was expecting Tsuna and that random guy on the banner to show up.

 

Did you read ahead to see if they do?

 

I skimmed Chapter 3, and searched for "Tsuna". No result, and I think we've read enough for today.

 

I see. Well, thanks for showing up Blake. Hopefully I'll be able to continue Phantom's Divinations with more commentary. Overall, I do think that this story is worth checking out, since it's only in the early stages and Chaos Sonic seems like he can improve this as it goes on. However, as it is, it's pretty standard and nothing special.

 

Edited October 30, 2010 by Phantom Roxas

[5252345262667]

Haha, I realize how stupid my fanfic was now. (I did the Big 12)

[Phantom Roxas]

I should probably take it as a sign that things are improving if I don't find enough fics bad enough for this. Then I remembered that this is YCM.

 

[spoiler=The 7th Seal - {Yugioh GX fanfic}]And now I have Kiyoteru as my avatar.

 

Roxas, stop it. It wasn't funny the first time, and continuing a stupid joke like that is just going to get tired and more pointless.

 

I suppose you're right. So, I take it we're doing another Divination? Let's see what we can - Blake, did you leave the door open? I can't believe I didn't notice that earlier.

 

Oh, well that's because I wanted to see if even the shortest fanfic could serve as a doorstop.

 

Why would you do that?

 

No reason. I got nothing else to do, and I figured it would be a satisfactory, if pathetic way to pass the time. Either way, I think I'm done here, so I'm going to leave.

 

You're leaving already?

 

Please, I'm only here to serve as a shameless self-promotion of Zodiac Cross. Update that some time, would you?

 

I'll think about it. Any, why don't I take a look at the doorstop of a fic you mentioned? What's it called?

 

I'm glad you asked. It's "Yugioh GX fan fic", by Crimson Paladin.

 

Surely you meant "a Yu-Gi-Oh! GX fanfic", right? What's the title?

 

That is the title, Roxas. And don't call me "Shirley".

 

This is going to be painful, isn't it?.

 

Considering how it actually managed to dissolve a part of the door, "painful" is probably a light way to put it.

 

Fabulous. Anyway, let's begin.

 

Actually, you're on your own this time. I'm out of here.

 

You're leaving me alone? Honestly, is it that bad?

 

It's a Duel Academy fic.

 

...

 

Bye!

 

Wait, Blake! Come back! Great, he's gone. Alright then, so what's so bad with this story?

 

Yugioh GX Episode 1: Ready for Ra? Part 1

 

Honestly, that's it? You're that lazy? Why not just come up with your own title? I'll admit, I'm bad with titles, but at least I don't badly copy-paste the title of the series I'm basing my fanfic on without coming up with some kind of subtitle. YCM, stop using "Episode" in place of "Chapter". You need to stop these delusions that what you're writing is the basis for the upteenth sequel to GX. Riding Duels are even more plausible than a Duel Academy in my mind, and this is coming from a guy who's shamelessly doing his own Duel Academy fic and considers Yusei an even bigger Sue than Judai/Jaden.

 

And that's not even the chapter episode's title. "Ready for Ra?" Either you're just that bad at titles, or I'm being nitpicky. Probably both, but that title is something I would see from a 4Kids dub. Not to mention that it's Part 1. If you're not going to release the entire chapter all at once, don't release the chapter at all.

 

Two boys stood under the towering shadow of Kaibacorp. "Ryu, do you think we're ready?" asked one boy.

 

"You bet I'm ready, Syrus clone 497! That's why we're standing under KaibaCorp Kaibacorp, which has not only a looming shadow, but one that towers over us as well!"

 

"I know we are, Milo." Ryu answered. Ryu was tall and tan, with long black hair. He wore a headband in the pattern of leaping sharks, which was barely visible through his hair, like his blue-as-the-sea eyes.. The red shirt he wore bore the crest of a shark, and his jeans were blue as the sea. Milo had light blonde hair and was a bit shorter than Ryu with brown eyes. He wore a green shirt with a tiger on it and dark purple jeans.

 

I'm calling it now, the animal motifs are totally plot-relevant. That or they are completely irrelevant and Crimson Paladin thinks having a shark or tiger T-shirt makes you qualify as a badass. Not to mention that the color of their jeans only gives me the idea makes me picture these two as those wannabe emos who listen to Devil Wears Prada or whatever and think that they're so cool.

 

"If you say so." The friends walked off into the building. When they walked through the doors, they saw a large room. It buzzed with activity. Secretaries on phones, people conversing, and intercoms buzzing.

 

What is this, Bee Academy? I'm sure there's other descriptions you could use like "was filled with people tending to countless jobs," or the intercoms where, you know, blaring loudly.

 

They sighed and took a seat. They sat down in the only seats that were open, next to two girls. One was tall with brown hair and green eyes. "Hi. I'm Mira," She said. "Mira Takashi." "Hi Mira. I'm Ryu Ryōshi. And this is my friend, Milo Elysium." The other girl, with longer blonde hair and purple eyes, turned to Milo and Ryu. "Hi. I'm Ali Fisher." "Hi Ali. I'm-" "Ryu and Milo. I heard ya."

 

Unbeknownst to them, there stood a onlooker who oversaw the events unfolding before them. "Success!" he muttered. "I knew that by attending this academy, I would discover the stand-ins for Jaden and Syrus who would meet the girls that would clearly become their love interests, and all four of them would casually reveal their names without any prompting to do so! And it all transpired even better than I initially imagined! They revealed their last names as well, so know I can write their names down and kill them all right here!"

 

More seriously, it's about time I point out the entire story so far has been a paragraph with no breaks. Even though we've had four characters talking so far, we have yet to begin a new paragraph.

 

A voice came out over the intercom. "Attention all trying out for duel academy:

 

"We regret to inform you that we have been sued for legal rights of the "Duel Academy" name. As such, we are not allowed to use capital letters in our name."

 

Please report to the room with the red door for the duelingexams.

 

"Also, our use of spaces per sentence is nowlimited."

 

"All right!" Ryu yelled. "This is the part i've been waiting for!!" Ryu and Milo charged into the room.

 

"Yosh! Am I a generic enough hot blooded shonen protagonist yet?"

 

Now, I'm sure you're wondering where the rest is. Notice I said "paragraph" and not "wall of text". That's all there is. This is what I mean when I say that if you don't have a full chapter, don't bother posting the rest. It's a very standard Duel Academy fic that does nothing to indicate that it's trying to stand out. This is evident in the fact that there isn't a subtitle, and this is being billed as a "Yugioh GX fic". This fic is a waste of time, posting this was a waste of the time the author could have very well spent proofreading this, noticing the glaring errors such as the fact that this is a paragraph, and expand this chapter to the inevitable entrance duel against some random teacher. Do you know why people hate GX/Duel Academy fics? It's because they're incredibly formulaic. If you can do a Duel Academy fanfic without making your protagonist a Jaden clone who has to take part in some pointless entrance duel, then that's a start to making your fic less predictable, formulaic, and dumb.

 

Edited March 31, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Jolta]

I read the 6th one. I especially liked... well, what else? Ven Hawk! Ven+Hawk.

 

Hey Roxas, remember how Neku from The World Ends With You deleted a message like that for being spam?

 

You mean like what most people would do?

 

Precisely.

 

Wonder what will happen if he did...

 

Boy, I simply lurv crossovers.

 

I'll be working on my Pokemon Ranger Fanfic...

[Phantom Roxas]

If he did delete the message, then the plot wouldn't have happened.

Edited December 7, 2010 by Phantom Roxas

[Phantom Roxas]

It never dies.

 

[spoiler=She's a Sp8der - {Pokemon - The Sparkman Adventures}]In the four months since the last divination, many unnecessary nods to Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series were made, but that's not important right now. In my continuous pattern of claiming to revive this series, while allowing it to die after two divinations, I have stumbled upon "Pokemon - The Sparkman Adventures", written by BrandonSparkman, who has marketed this as his first fan fiction. Fantastic! Already we know that the series is named after part of the author. Of course, I'm exempt from this solely because this is just a review series. What difference does that make? Let's not waste another moment and begin.

 

Chapter 1 "Introduction

 

No colon? Not even an end quote?

 

Brandon awoke abruptly on a Saturday morning. It was his 14th birthday.

 

"A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 31st of March, is this young man's birthday. Though it was fourteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

 

What will the name of this young man be?"

 

In just the first two sentences and already I can see the unoriginality. BrandonSparkman basically just took apart his name and made it apply to his series in various ways. I may have called this series "Phantom's Divinations", but I'll be damned if I write a fanfic with a character named Patrick.

 

Brandon is a 5'9 teen who has brown hair and brown eyes. He is a little chubby and cocasian.

 

I believe that hair and eye color are sufficient, and that height is rarely, if ever, important. To say nothing of the fact that you didn't even spell "Caucasian" right. Quick question, which of his descriptions, if possible, match you?

 

He yawned as he threw the covers off himself. He stretched, and as he did, his eyes were drawn to a poster in his room. It had the three starter pokemon that were available in his hometown of Littleroot town on it.

 

And now the fabled lack of capitalization where appropriate has shown itself. Really, is it that hard to write "Pokémon", complete with acute accent?

 

He smiled as he thought of which one he was going to choose.

 

He hasn't decided yet? Look, if he's going to get a poster, he might as well plan out ahead of time. Why do you think so many people say "I'm definitely getting _____ when I get the game"?

 

He got dressed and ran downstairs quickly. His foster parents had left a note on the table. He ran over and read it. "Dear Brandon, we know we made you wait until you were fourteen to start your journey, and now that you are, we feel that you can take care of yourself. We left three thousand dollars on the table by this note. Goodbye and good luck."

 

This reminds me of the problem Crab Helmet noted in "Spaceon, The new Eevee", though at least here it's not Brandon's fault and rather his obviously-abusive-but-meant-to-be-loving foster parents. To say nothing of the fact that, as far as we know, they abandoned him and left him three thousand PokéDollars dollars, either so he could buy ten potions or pay for some food. I sure wish my parents leave me three thousand dollars when they abandon me.

 

Brandon put the paper down slowly. A single tear dropped from his right eye. No party, no gifts, just a notice of abandonment. Brandon laughed a little. "Yea..happy birthday.."

 

See, even Brandon is well aware that he has been abandoned, and on his birthday no less. Great parenting! So far we have a boy who was woken up on his fourteenth birthday, apparently only now being able to get a Pokémon, mixed in the drama of terrible parents. Let's see what else this chapter has to offer, and by that I mean "read Chapter Two". Considering how this was written three hours ago, the two paragraphs BrandonSparkman has written would be enough to constitute a chapter, at least to him.

 

Chapter 2 "The Starter

 

Though it beats calling these chapters "episodes" for some silly pretentious reason, remember that a good format would either be "Chapter 2: The Starter" or "Chapter 2: "The Starter"". Personally, I prefer the former.

 

Brandon put the bills in his pocket and walked out the front door, closing and locking it behind him. He walked slowly to Prof. Birch's lab.

 

For some reason, I believe "Professor" is meant to be written in its entirety. Yes, I know "Mr." and "Mrs." is always written as such, but try and put them effort into this.

 

While I haven't played the Hoenn games, now that I know this story is set there, I guess Brandon's name is meant to be reference to Brendan. That or Brandon is in fact BrandonSparkman's real name. Regardless, if this is indeed a Hoenn-centered fic, then I hope Brendan chooses Torchic. Mudkip is incredibly overrated, although I wouldn't mind if he chose Treecko.

 

He looked forward to this day for a while, but is was somehow less exciting than he had imagined.

 

You mean "it", although I actually have to say this is fairly excusable as opposed to the careless use of these kinds of sentence. He just found out that after four years, he can finally get a Pokémon, except his manipulative and obviously evil parents abandoned him on his birthday of all days. At least he has his priorities on the right path.

 

As he walked into the lab, Birch welcomed him with open arms. "Good morning Brandon! How are you?" he said with a large smile. Brandon looked at him with a dark, hazy stare. "I've been better..", Brandon said with much depression.

 

Pro tip: The "enter/return" key is your friend.

 

Birch looked down slowly. "I seen your parents leaving

 

I must thank you for allowing me the perfect opportunity to introduce you to a "saw".

 

...they explained to me what they were doing. I tried to stop them, but they wouldn't have it. I'm sorry". "I thank you for caring. So, am I to pick my pokemon now?"

 

"Brandon, I saw your parents abandoning how! I tried to stop them, but they wouldn't listen, so I just came back here and let you find out for yourself instead of just telling you they had left."

 

"It's okay, Birch, you're still a good friend. Yeah, it totally sucks that my parents are gone, but I want a Pokémon now!"

 

So much for having his priorities on the right path.

 

He responded coldly. Birch looked up and scratched his head. "Well, I'm sorry to say that all of the normal starter pokemon have been taken. I do have one pokemon left for you that was sent over from the Kanto region. Is that ok?"

 

Plot-convenient author appeal meant to mirror how Ash received Pikachu! Duck and cover!

 

he said

 

Funny, that question mark made me think he asked.

 

as he walked over to a pokeball on the table. Brandon sighed. "Sure, why not? Everything else is going perfectly today. "Here you go", said Birch as he handed Brandon the ball. Brandon sent the pokemon out and raised an eyebrow as the pokemon appeared. Gastly.

 

That's it. In just two chapters, we have learned that Brandon is a blatant author avatar and his starter is a Gastly for some odd reason. Was Oak really thinking "Birch should definitely give a Gastly to the kids who conveniently have to wait four years to get a Pokémon! I mean, I could probably recommend an Eevee since Hoenn lacks Eeveelutions, or perhaps a Trapinch because that thing is awesome, but a Gastly would be perfectly cool!" And Birch said yes? Why? What reason is there for choosing Gastly? I know I'm a hypocrite because Blake uses Gladiator Beasts and I'm going to do some blatant author appeal pretty much like that in Hopeless Paradise, but the former doesn't need an explanation and the latter is actually supposed to be plot-relevant, but Gastly? I mean, I like Gastly and all, but it just seems like a very random choice for a Hoenn-centered fic. Why not just have this take place in Kanto or give Brandon a Duskull?

 

Nitpicking aside, this is common fare for a first fanfic, and I'll give you credit for actually capitalizing sentences, though Pokémon needs to be capitalize, among other things. The subplot about the foster parents is an interesting premise, which sets up something beyond "Kid goes on adventure with author's favorite Pokémon," but that's it. And just what in blazes is the "The Sparkman Adventures" all about? Is that actually significant, or is just a reference to your name? Just improve your grammar, make these two chapter paragraphs into a single chapter, add more important events, and you'll be set.

 

Edited April 3, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[fenrir]

I only read this because the title had She's A Sp8der.

 

I regret not reading this before.

 

...Remind me why you don't write much lately?

[Phantom Roxas]

That was the intention of the title.

 

I haven't written because I have to deal with school, games, and other things on different forums. I want to get back into writing on a more regular basis.

[fenrir]

Shame, considering the majority of the crap here is either awfully written or well... Awfully written.

 

Reminds me that I need to get back into writing... Too long of a hiatus I'd say...

 

Also that kid was lucky, I only get 5 PokeDollars for allowance! :C

[Phantom Roxas]

Extra-long fanfic rife with nitpicking!

 

[spoiler=Plan 9 from Outer Space - {PokemonXD Taken To The Max}]I told you I wouldn't let this die, so let's go right ahead and move on to PokemonXD Taken To The Max by Lightchaos. Okay, right off the bat, is it really that hard to add an accent to the "e" in "Pokémon"? I might as well supply this, since it just bugs me that people seem to find it impossible to type that. I know I'm being incredibly nitpicky, but let's move onto the part that "XD" is now apparently one word with "Pokemon". I assume that the title is meant to a reference to Gale of Darkness, but since the only GameCube game I have is Wind Waker, I couldn't care less. The issue here is the banner Lightchaos has for this fic.

 

[spoiler=Take a look at this needlessly large banner]

 

 

So Lightchaos contradicted the title of his own fanfic with his banner. "But Roxas, it's just the banner! It's okay if the banner gets something wrong!" While that may be true, keep in mind that having a banner for a fanfic suggests that you are intending to make it into a masterpiece, and in the world of professional filmmaking and literature, we call this kind of thing "false advertising". For example, say I showed you a poster for Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, except the poster doesn't give you the impression that it's for that movie, but rather some strange movie called "Ninjas of the Mediterranean: Blessings of the White Diamond." Yes, all Lightchaos was swap the order of "XD", but if you look at Chapter Theme Song, Chapter Prologue Prelude Introduction Intro, Chapter Index, Chapter Miscellaneous Information, and even visit the site this fanfic is posted on - something that will elaborated upon later - you'll see that Lightchaos constantly switches "XD" and "DX", and on said sight has instead spelled the title "Poke'mon XD" or "Poke'mon DX".

 

Did I mention that this is only the first half of the title, and yet that first half alone has so many problems with it? While not as distressing, "to" and "the" are rarely supposed to be capitalized, the only exceptions being when they are at the beginning of the title. But of enough nitpicking about the stupid title, we must remember the wise words of Lightchaos.

 

:o I know i'm not the best writer and i know that not all my idea's ar orignal, but come on i know my book can't be all that bad. <_< All i'm asking for is a little R&R everynow and then. :unsure: It would be nice for somebody to let me know how my story is going every so often.

 

Moving words spoken by a true artist. Let us not waste any more time and begin. Ah, but hold on a second. Lightchaos has decided that, instead of posting the chapters on YCM right away, he would instead provide us a link to his fanfic. Admittedly, I see no problem with this, as having to copy and paste the many chapters - which a look at the site has me believe is two "season's" worth, with Season 1 (Which I assume uses the overdone title "A New Beginning") being 60 chapters and Season 2 having yet to begin - would eventually prove to be tedious, but not impossible. Instead, Lightchaos has Chapter Index consist of the names of each chapter, each providing a link to their respective chapters. Again, this is tedious. As we are new readers, you simply would need to provide us with a link to the first chapter. If we are interested in continuing, then we would likely bookmark the story and continue from where we left off. Furthermore, we could easily click on "Newer Entry" to go to the next chapter. Combined with the loads of pseudo-chapters that lie under the needlessly large banner, the opening post alone is an absolute mess.

 

Alright, I think I did enough unnecessary nitpicking, so let's finally move on to "Chapter 1:A New Journey Begins" (No, that is not a typo), since that pretentious title hasn't been done to death.

 

At the start of his journey Ash was just ten year old beginner Pokémon trainer who lived in Pallet Town, his

hometown.

 

Thank you for informing me that Ash comes from Pallet Town. I totally did not pay attention during any of the times Ash introduced himself, saying "I'm Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town!" Also, this sentence is incredibly awkward. Read this sentence out loud to yourself, then ask yourself if it made any sense. It should be "Ash was just a ten year-old beginner (which is still unnecessary and only serves to make the sentence even more confusing, as it was just said that Ash started his journey, which suggests that he is a beginner anyway) Pokémon - hold on, you actually weren't lazy for once and actually did include the accent in there! Okay, so why don't you fix your inconsistent inability to properly spell that elsewhere?

 

After receiving Pikachu as his starter Pokémon from Professor Oak, Ash left Pallet Town to

start his journey with a dream of one day becoming a Poke'mon Master. Since his departure, Ash has

traveled the World of Pokémon, competed in many challenges, and caught newer Pokémon.

 

"World" doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, thanks for the totally unnecessary recap. I completely forget to entire premise of Pokémon, and thus needed a reminder about the protagonist of the anime, even though the only reason I would be reading this fanfic is because I am familiar with Pokémon, and therefore have most likely heard of the anime. That or I am reviewing it because it sucks.

 

Ash has considerably improved his abilities as a trainer over the course of his journey. However, his

earnestness and determination remain the same. Now after nearly a month of training and resting there

 

You mean "their".

 

minds at home, Ash and Pikachu decide that it is time for them to start back traveling.

 

It should be "decided that it was", but why should I care at this point?

 

And though there

 

Again, you mean "their".

 

recent defeat at the Sinnoh Pokémon League was still fresh in there

 

Okay, it's obvious that you don't give a damn about using "there", "their", and "they're" at the proper points where they should be used, so I'm just going to take a shot every time you use either word, regardless of whether or not it was used in the right context. So far, I have taken three shots, but I'm not going to but in and point out each time I take a shot, because that would be unnecessary.

 

mind they only had one goal in mind and that was to become as strong as possible.

 

"Where do you think we should go to Pikachu?" asked Ash picking though a bunch of clothes he had laying

out on his bed.

 

"Pika?" said Pikachu, confused that he no longer spoke with periods

 

"I don't know either!" said Ash putting a few of the clothes in his backpack.

 

"Hay Ash Professor Oak is on the phone."said Ash mother as she stood in the doorway.

 

There are so many things wrong with that begin that I don't even know where to sentence. First of all, how in blazes do you misspell "hey"? Secondly, use commas. They're you're friends, and are used to separate dialogue from narrative when you are not using a question or exclamation mark, never periods.

 

"Thanks mom!" said Ash and he ran to the phone.

 

"Hello Ash and Pikachu good to see you again! How goes your training?" asked Professor Oak

 

"Pikachu!" said Pikachu, trying to inform his human allies that there is a crime afoot: someone has stolen Pikachu's periods, and now it would appear that they have stolen Professor Oak's as well

 

"Hi Professor Oak! Were actually done and we were just packing up to leave." said Ash

 

Pikachu cried out in terror, horrified to see that Ash too had fallen victim.

 

"Well then i'm glad i caught you then. I want you to stop by my lab." said Professor Oak

 

"Alright we'll be there soon. Bye Professor Oak." said Ash as he hung up the phone.

 

"Well Ash i won't you to be careful where ever you go and when thing's get dangerous please try not to be

reckless." said His mother

 

She "will not" Ash to be careful? Okay, what possessed you into believing this was worthy of sharing with the internet? I'm very certain "I" would at least try to make my mistakes at least minimal.

 

Is there honestly any word in your vocabulary beyond "said" and "asked"?

 

"Don't worry mom i'll be ok as long as i have Pikachu with me."said Ash

 

"Chu...Pika!" said Pikachu knotting his head.

 

"I packed the rest of your stuff along with a few supplies you might need and i packed you a lunch also."

She said and she handed him the backpack.

 

"Thanks again mom!" said Ash as he hugged her and then wave good bye as he and Pikachu walked down

the road.

 

As they walked on something stopped them dead in there tracks.They saw someone in a large black

leather jacket, about six foot two, with long emerald green hair walking toward the woods that surround

Pallet Town.

 

Is there a different kind of emerald other than green? Also, we're not interested in his exact height, even if that's exactly how tall I am.

 

"I wonder who that is? I've never seen him here before." said Ash

 

"Pika?" said Pikachu

 

"Hey are you lost?" asked Ash

 

They walked closer to him, but just as they got a couple of feet away from him he turned around.He had a

caramel colored skin complextion and he stared at them with green eyes. He started to grin and chill's went up and down there spines, so Ash and Pikachu slowly started backing away.

 

"There’s something not right about this guy!" said Ash

 

Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen! Not only is Ash undeniably racist because he finds Emeraldylocks weird because of his skin color, but he grins at Ash in a manner that was never explicitly defined, and for all we know could have been a platonic, friendly grin. Perhaps Emeraldylocks is the Punctuation Thief? I'd say "Period Thief", but that has so many sexual interpretations that I'd rather not think about it more than I unfortunately have.

 

"Chuu!" said Pikachu

 

Just then there was a big gust of wind that came out of nowhere knocking Ash down.

 

"Where did this wind come from?" said Ash holding onto Pikachu.

 

Emeraldylocks: Impossible! Hold you have used a period at the end of that sentence?

 

Ash: Because of the power of friendship!

 

Ash looked up and saw the guy standing there and he noticed a necklace around his neck. It had black

beads, four black teeth and a dragon on it. Just then the wind stopped, and Ash got back up as the guy

walked off and disappeared into the darkness of the woods.

 

"That was intense. I wonder who was that guy though!" said Ash dusting himself off.

 

"Ka?" said Pikachu

 

"Yeah your right, but we better hurry on to Professor Oaks." said Ash

 

Little did Ash know that he was only pretending to understand what Pikachu was saying, for in truth Pikachu knew of a truth more horrifying than Ash could ever imagine…

 

Pikachu jumped on his shoulder, they hurried on and a few minutes later they arrived at Professor Oaks

lab. They went in and saw Professor Oak looking though a folder at his desk.

 

"Hey Professor Oak we're here." said Ash

 

"Ahhh! Ash, Pikachu! I’m so glad you could make it!" said Professor Oak

 

"Hey Ash and Pikachu!" said Tracy walking out of a back room.

 

"Pika!" said Pikachu, happy to see that Tracy had yet to be attacked by Emeraldylocks

 

"Now Ash i have a mission for you!" said Professor Oak

 

"Sure!" What is it? asked Ash

 

"I need you to go to the Jetix Region and help get back a experimental pokémon that was stolen from a

friend of mine." said Professor Oak

 

"I've never heard of the Jetix Region before. Where’s that?" asked Ash

 

Tracy: First off, have you heard of Disney? Well, Disney controls the place.

 

Ash: I don't see how that's a problem.

 

Oak: There are Digimon in Jetix.

 

Ash: That doesn't sound too bad. Which ones?

 

Oak: The ones from Frontier and Savers.

 

Ash: That's horrible! No, I refuse to even set foot in that place!

 

"To the far east of the Sinnoh Region. I’m surprised you've never heard of it. It’s known for being the largest

region in the world, but it's famous for the large number of Pokémon that have been discovered there." said

Professor Oak

 

Ash: I thought you said there were Digimon there!

 

Oak: I did.

 

Ash: Then what happened to the "large amounts of Pokémon discovered there?"

 

Oak: Um…

 

"Wow! Sounds exciting! When do we leave?" asked Ash

 

"Pikaaaa!" said Pikachu

 

"You will leave immediately!" said Professor Oak

 

"I hear the Jetix Region has a lot of fun stuff to do. I might visit later one day." said Tracy

 

Pikachu could only watch as Tracy fell victim to Emeraldylocks' tricks. He decided that it was probably for the best to just stop thinking about it and wait for the day when Ash and Pikachu would come face to face with him.

 

"Me to! I hear they have one of the best Pokémon schools in the world. Oh yea speaking of that i know

while your in the Jetix Region after you have finished your mission you just might won't to enter the

Pokémon League there." said Professor Oak

 

He passed Ash a small red and yellow box that had a blue crystal on the top of it. Ash grabed the box and

started looking at it woundering what it was, though the blue crystal caught his eyes.

 

"What is this thing?" asked Ash

 

"It's your new Dimensional Poke'dex!

 

Oak: Honestly, after all this time, which apparently has yet to more than a year despite the countless amount of episodes there have been and completely contradicts the entire point of the "Pikachu and Pichu" short that involved your one-year anniversary of starting your journey, do you really have to ask what these kinds of things are?

 

That Poke’dex hold's data on every Pokémon discovered in the

Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh Regions, along with data of pokémon from the Jetix Region. It also has

data on pokemon from other region's and it comes with a map of the Jetix Region as well. I'm not sure what

else it does, but to activate the poke'dex just put it on your arm."said Professor Oak

 

Ash set its own his arm and all of a sudden two red bands strapped around his arm.

 

I'll be honest, I actually like the fact that the PokéDex is a wristwatch. It's more convenient than having to carry it around in your pocket all the time.

 

"Pi!" said Pikachu

 

"That's cool! Now we're ready to go!" said Ash excitedly

 

"Not yet!" said Professor Oak

 

"What do you mean?" asked Ash

 

"Your going to need more than one pokémon to win battles in the Jetix Region, so i want you to take one

more pokémon with you this time." said Professor Oak

 

"Why?" asked Ash

 

"Just to be safe i won't you to carry at least two Pokémon with you, because the wild Pokémon are

unbelievably strong there. So you need to carry two Pokémon with you if you plan on capturing some

pokémon from the Jetix Region." said Professor Oak

 

Lightchaos, please prove that you have an ounce of intelligence and don't have Oak give Ash something as stupidly random as a Gastly.

 

"Are the wild Pokémon really that strong? What about the trainers how strong are they?" asked Ash

 

"You want to find out?" said a voice

 

Ash turned around and saw a tall boy with black hair, hazel eye's wearing a blue t-shirt and blue jean's

standing in the door.

 

"Who are you?" asked Ash

 

"My name is Jamie Moon and i over heard that you wanted to see how strong Jetix Region trainier are. If

you really want to find out how strong a Jetix Region trainer is battle me then." said Jamie

 

"Ok!" said Ash

 

"Pikaa!" said Pikachu

 

They all went outside and Tracy was there battle announcer.

 

"This battle will be between trainer Ash and trainer Jamie. Each trainer will only be able to use one

Pokémon each. Now trainers begin!" shouted Tracy

 

"Your up Pikachu." said Ash

 

"Pika!" said Pikachu and he jumped out in front of Ash ready to battle.

 

"Humm...." said Jamie staring at Ash and Pikachu, and then he took out a ultra ball and threw it.

 

Okay, Jamie has to be using a legendary, or he is an idiot for wasting an ultra ball on something that isn't all that spectacular, and even then it would be incredibly unfair to have Pikachu face of against some legendary from some supposedly tough region.

 

"Let’s go Kerobolt." shouted Jamie

 

Just then a dog like pokémon appeared that Ash had never seen before. It was about five foot six in height,

with red eye's, long pointy ear's, red-orange fur on its snout that ran up its head and down it's back to and

became long red-orange hair.The pokémon's front legs were black with red-orange flame designs, it also

had a design of a face on it's shoulder and it's tail was shaped like a yellow spear at the end.

 

Yeah, doesn't sound all that spectacular, and yet the name and the design have me suspect that Kerobolt is Fire/Electric. Ash should use Donphan or something.

 

"Pikaa!!" said Pikachu

 

"Wow! Who is that poke'mon?" said Ash and he pointed the poke'dex at it.

 

*Facepalm*

 

The poke'dex opened up and on the top part of the poke'dex was a screen where it showed a picture of the

poke'mon.

 

"Kerobolt the mirage poke'mon.Long ago Kerobolt were given the named Lightning Spirits due to the fact

that this pokémon born from a pokémon egg that was struck by lightning.The face like figures on Kerobolt

shoulders are said to be a mutation of some kind."said the Poke'dex then it closed back up.

 

"Now let us begin! Kerobolt use Quick Attack!" shouted Jamie and Kerobolt started charging at Pikachu at

high speed.

 

"Quick Pikachu use Thunderbolt!" shouted Ash

Pikachu shot a bolt of thunder at Kerobolt and it hit, but it didn't phase Kerobolt or slow him down.

"Pika!'said Pikachu

"No effect! Pikachu quick dodge!"said Ash

 

Ash: This can't be! Thunderbolt didn't work on another Electric type? That unpossible!

 

"Your Pikachu's Thunderbolt is strong Ash, but thanks to Kerobolts Energy Guard ability your Pikachu's

special attacks do little to no damage."said Jamie

 

But just as Pikachu was about to move Kerobolt hit Pikachu and sent him rolling back.

 

"Are you ok Pikacu?" asked Ash

 

Hell, I don't know what a Pikacu is either.

 

Pikachu stood up, shook off the attack and then knotted his head.

 

"Pikachu's Thunderbolt didn't have much of an effect on him, which means his Energy Guard ability must

have something to do with decreasing the damage of special attacks, so thunder won't do as much

damage.

 

I'm sorry, but did you mean "will not" for once or did you just misspell "want" again?

 

And Ash, of course Electric attacks won't work on Kerobolt, because Jamie just told you that right after it became fairly obvious that Electric attacks don't work on it.

 

All we have left is Volt Tackle and Iron Tail. Pikachu try Iron Tail!"shouted Ash

 

Pikachu started running toward Kerobolt with his tail glowing and he jumped in the air.

 

"Kerobolt use Quick Attack again." said Jamie

 

Kerobolt charged toward Pikachu just as Pikachu swung his tail. Pikachu's tail hit Kerobolt on the head, but

he was sent flying into the air.

 

"No way! Not even Pikachu's Iron Tail has much of an effect. Guess that leaves me with no choice, but to

pull out all the stocks. Pikachu spin and use Volt tackle!" Ash shouted

 

Pikachu started to spin as he fell back to earth toward Kerobolt and all of a sudden he was engulfed in

electrical energy.

 

"Wow! His Pikachu knows Volt Tackle! This battle could've been interesting if i didn't have to go. So

Kerobolt use Giga Impact!" said Jamie

 

I like Jamie. He knows that Ash is hardly worth his time - though the brings up the question of why would he even challenge Ash if he was in a hurry - and is going straight for the kill.

 

Kerobolt started running torward Pikachu and was covered in a blue energy. When Pikachu and Kerobolt

finally collided, there was an explosion and Pikachu was sent fling back into a tree knocking him out. When

the dust from the explosion settled Kerobolt was still standing with yellow electrical energy surging around

its body.

 

"Pikachu is unable to battle, Kerobolt wins which means Jamie wins the match." said Tracy as Ash ran to

Pikachu and picked him up.

 

"Are you alright Pikachu?" asked Ash

 

Pikachu regained conciesness and knotted his head.

 

It must be very uncomfortable to wrap your head in a knot.

 

"That was a nice battle." said Jamie

 

"What, but we barly damaged Kerobolt at all."said Ash

 

"Maybe not, but for you two to master Volt Tackle like you did is increadible! Your only the fourth person i

know of who knows it Volt Tackle." said Jamie

 

Jamie: Bet you're curious to know who the other three were, aren't you?

 

Ash: I guess. Who?

 

Jamie: Me, Kerobolt, and our collective incredible awesomeness.

 

Jamie aside, does the sentence "Your only the fourth person i know of who knows it Volt Tackle" even begins to make sense? It's like he's trying to tell Ash something, but immediately cuts himself off to have Kerobolt use Volt Tackle.

 

Perhaps that is precisely what he is doing here?

 

"Kiraa!" said Kerobolt knotting

 

Apparently so, but how Kerobolt manages to use Volt Tackle with his head in a knot is beyond me.

 

"Thanks!" said Ash

 

This could mean one of two things.

 

1) Jamie did not use Volt Tackle, and Ash is merely thanking him for the complement.

 

2) Jamie did in fact use Volt Tackle, and Ash is thanking him because he is a masochist.

 

"On a scale, i'm an average strong trainer, but there are a few trainers in the Jetix Region who would make

me look like i just started battling." said Jamie

 

"Well when you put it like that, that really makes me want to go!" said Ash excitedly

 

Yeah, Ash is a masochist. It's the only reason he's continuing his journey despite him constantly getting his ass handed to him.

 

"Pikaa!" said Pikachu as he raised up.

 

"That the spirit Ash and Pikachu let nothing scare you. Oh and by the way Jamie here is you Shinx back."

said Professor Oak and he handed Jamie a poke'ball.

 

I wonder, if Oak had completely neglected to give Jamie his Shinx back until now - something that is unspeakably irresponsible of such a highly educated Pokémon expert - how long do you think it would have taken Oak to realize "Oh hey, I totally forgot to give Jamie back his Shinx. Eh, I'll just send it to him later"?

 

"Welcome back Shinx!'said Jamie, then Shinx appeared out of the poke'ball.

 

"Shinx!!Shinx!!" said the Shinx and it ran over to play with Kerobolt.

 

"Well i'm sorry to be leaving now, but i have to get back home to my sister's." said Jamie

 

"Hey Jamie since your headed back could you take Ash to T-Town and take him to the poka'gym there."

asked Professor Oak

 

What is a poka'gym and why did you believe this "masterpiece" of yours was worth sharing?

 

"Sure." said Jamie

 

"Now Ash once your there look for a female trainier named Tanza Nash and give her this letter.She is the

owner the poka'gym so it should be pretty easy to find her.Once you give her that letter she'll tell you what

to do." said Professor Oak

 

So if I got this right, Jamie is supposed to the Brock/Tracy/Cilan of this story and this Tanza girl is meant to be the requisite female companion? Okay, so far Lightchaos is following standard Pokémon anime fare.

 

"Ok!" said Ash

 

"But i still want you to take another poke'mon with you?" asked Professor Oak

 

"Humm...Well what do you think Jamie?" asked Ash

 

"Well to be honest everybody that i know from a different region that traveled to the Jetix Region carried at

least two poke'mon with them.So i guess carry Pikachu and one more of your pokemon." said Jamie

 

"Well that's that then.Now who to choose? Who do you think Pikachu?" asked Ash

 

"Pika..Pi!!" said Pikachu

 

"I'll take Infernape with us on this journey." said Ash

 

Pikachu: What? No, forget that jerk, call Liza and tell her to send in Charizard!

 

Tracy went back into the lab and came back out with a poke'ball. He handed it to Professor Oak and

Professor Oak handed it to Ash, then he handed him a ticket.

 

Because Tracy couldn't just give Ash the PokéBall himself. Perhaps he knows that the only reason Ash kept him around was because Ash is indeed a racist and wanted to hang out with someone who wasn't Brock, and so he doesn't want to pass a PokéBall to Ash. A ticket is fine though, as he hopes that Ash will receive one from the police, if not worse.

 

"Here's your ticket for the boat to take you to the Jetix Region.Now your Ready!" said Professor Oak

 

Wait, so Professor Oak was the one who handed Ash the ticket? In that case, then you're supposed to say "Hey handed it to Professor Oak, who handed the PokéBall to Ash as well as a ticket", or perhaps have Oak give Ash the ticket after saying "Here's your ticket".

 

Jamie, Ash and Pikachu walked away waving good-bye to Professor Oak and Tracy.

 

I'm disappointed; this story is actually somewhat interesting. So far, its biggest flaw is alarmingly inconsistent grammar that would make a first grader look like Rick Riordan.

 

So far we've created a branching storyline that I suppose will serve as an alternative to Black and White, starting with a male partner who isn't a Gym Leader yet still actually rather strong. What exciting, earth-shattering event will occur next?

 

********************************

 

Meanwhile somewhere far away in a underground base on a island in the Jetix region there people

celebrating.

 

…well then.

 

"Now that we have the Timothy's experimental pokémon sir what do we do now?" asked a male voice

 

"The Timothy"? Surely that is a typo, or either THE TIMOTHY is someone to be afraid of, or this guy is just a complete moron.

 

"Now we wait. Timothy is bound to notice that one of his pokémon egg's is missing.When he does he'll

come here looking for it and that's when i'll destroy him once and for all."said another male voice laughing

 

I assume that this guy, who I'm guessing is the Big Bad unless that's supposed to be Emeraldylocks, doesn't view THE TIMOTHY in the same light that his subordinate does. Regardless, this plan sounds awfully similar to one where a group of soldiers kidnap a member of a horde of insects to draw out the queen. As such, I assume that THE TIMOTHY is in fact the Pest King, so they'll Korasi's Sword if they hope to win.

 

pi["But sir no one has been able to defeat him recently, let alone beat him. How do you plan an defeating

him?"asked the first male voice[/i]

 

Since when was "defeat" no longer a synonym for "beat"? I know that "defeat" does not necessarily mean "kill", but "defeat" and "beat" have the same meaning, in that you have bested your opponent, but not slain them. It's a rarely awkward way of hyping up THE TIMOTHY'S strength.

 

"Well let's just say my machine groudon will do the work for me.It's more powerful than any thing i've built

befor capable of destroying and entire island, but i'm going to use all that power to destroy him."said the

second male voice laughing

 

So how do we identify these guys if they don't even have names and only can be associated by the order they spoke in? It's really lazy if all I can call these guys are Male 1, Mook, Male 2, and Big Bad.

 

*********************************

 

"We finaly made it to Vermillion Port!" said Ash

 

I guess from a typical narrative standpoint, that was one way to show a passage of time by skipping to the Omniscient Council of Evil Vagueness, but if you're not going to elaborate on the villains beyond "Mecha!Groundon will defeat PEST KING THE TIMOTHY for me," then you might as well have not had that conversation and just have this scene serve as the beginning of Chapter 2.

 

And yes, I'm aware of the hypocrisy. Why else do you think I blatantly ripped from Crab Helmet's review of Hopeless Paradise?

 

"Yeah! Hay Ash have you ever noticed that when your in a good conversation or something headed

somewhere you seem to get there alot faster." said Jamie

 

I always thought that it worked the latter worked the other way around, where your anticipation for something makes it seem like it's taking longer, and that dreading something makes it seems like it's happening sooner.

 

"You know something you have a good point there.

 

Except he doesn't. Read that line out to yourself multiple times if see if it makes sense. I'm serious. Jamie seems to be trying to start a philosophical conversation, and you should ask yourself if that question is sensible enough to start such a conversation.

 

When i was traveling with my friends it did seem like

time flew a little faster when we were having fun." said Ash

 

"Pi!" said Pikachu

 

Just then it started to get dark and it started to thunder and lightning.The wind started to get stronger and

then the ground started to shake.

 

"Pikaaa!" shouted Pikachu

 

"What's going on?" shouted Ash

 

"I don't know!" said Jamie

 

But just as quick as it started it stopped and the sky turned blue again.

 

"Well that was scary!" said Jamie

 

"I wounder what caused it?" said Ash

 

"Pi..Pi..Ka!" said Pikachu

 

"I don't know but it's over now so let's go." said Jamie

 

When they finally got on board the boat as it left port they saw the port getting farther and farther away till all

they could see was the big blue ocean.

 

"Piii..Kaaa..." said Pikachu sounding worried

 

"I know what you mean." said Ash

 

"What's wrong?" asked Jamie

 

"I don't know.I just have a bad feeling that something bad is going to happen." said Ash

 

"What do you mean?" asked Jamie

 

"I don't know.I just have that feeling." said Ash

 

"Hummm...Well it's getting dark.We should get some sleep." said Jamie

 

"Sure." said Ash and they headed for there rooms.

 

"Well maybe i'm feeling like this cause i'm tired, but i was feeling the same way when we saw the guy

earlier today." said Ash

 

"Pi!" said Pikachu

 

"Yea!Me too!While looking into his eye's i don't know how, but all i could fell was darkness and emptyness."

said Ash

 

Except Dark Is Not Evil and Ash is just incredibly racist.

 

"Pika..Chu!" said Pikachu

 

"Maybe your right so let's just consentrate on getting some sleep, so we can find that Tanza person

tomorrow." said Ash

 

They both laid down and went to sleep.

 

Ash soon counted his money in case he would need to pay for yet another bike.

 

To Be Continued......

 

No. I'm ending this stupidity right here. Adding "To Be Continued" to the end of chapters is pretentious, annoying, and outright unnecessary. They're slaps in the face and completely unnecessary, since as a fanfic we can gather that you intend to expand upon this, and I'm not going to sit through 60+ more chapters to see if you improve your atrocious grammar and make things less bland. I'll give you credit for having this fanfic be of considerable length for a first chapter, but the uninteresting vague villains are completely unnecessary at this point and are even more ambiguous than the Glittering Crux and Organization XIII. You have Ash going to some region you completely made up, which admittedly is more interesting than rehashing a region with different characters. Regardless, I'm not willing to follow this story, so you're better off just starting from scratch and improving your grammar, because you obviously didn't so much as try to proofread this.

 

Edited April 22, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Phantom Roxas]

My mistake was interpreting "green" as the modifier, thought assume Lightchaos thought emerald was just one shade and thus was fitting.

 

Fixed it so it's less painful on the eyes.

Edited April 8, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Phantom Roxas]

Tenth Divination!

 

[spoiler=To the 10th Power]Hello everyone. I'm sure you're all wondering why Roxas isn't here tonight. Well, you see, while enduring "PokemonXD Taken To The Max", Roxas prepared a shot of vodka for every use of the wrong there/their/they're. Unfortunately, Roxas is a total moron who can't hold his liquor, so I will be reviewing tonight. Of course, since I am a blatant self-insert like all of Roxas' protagonists are, that really doesn't make much of a difference.

 

Don't forget about me!

 

Jen? What in blazes are you doing here?

 

Roxas said I was his favorite character in 2 Minutes to Midnight! Besides, this is Roxas' tenth Divination, but he isn't here to enjoy it. Ten is always a huge milestone, and if Roxas won't be here to enjoy it, then I'm going to make sure it counts!

 

You may have been Roxas' favorite character, but that was only because you weren't as bland as Daniel or Austin, which isn't saying much. Basically, out of a trio of crappy characters, you just happened to suck the least. At least to Roxas, that is. While I'm at it, what makes you think that out of all the characters from all the fanfics that Roxas has reviewed, you deserve to be a guest star?

 

Well you're no fun! Don't worry, once you have enough passion, you'll be able to appreciate even the worst things in life!

 

Duly noted, even though you didn't answer my question. Anyway, you mentioned that this was the tenth Divination, and I agree that we should celebrate making it this far despite an atrocious time gap between these. As such, let's review Trio of DEF by Fusion X. Denver. Granted, Rarity, Dark, and Shadius already reviewed this, but Roxas told me that he planned to review this for his tenth Divination anyway. When he heard he got beaten to the punch, he took another shot of vodka. Incidentally, it was that shot that rendered him unconscious and lead us to where we are now.

 

Roxas should have been more passionate if he really wanted to review that! That way he wouldn't have been beaten to the punch.

 

Yes, except Rarity was honestly the only one making much of an effort. Dark and Shadius were too busy wasting time and didn't even finish the first chapter. Instead they skipped to Chapter 22 and learned about Roxas' orgy.

 

Too much information, Blake.

 

Sorry. Anyway, let us not waste any more time! First, a little context for this fanfic and why it is important that this was special enough to be our tenth review. Fusion X. Denver was voted YCM's Best Writer/Fanfiction in December 2010, and we presume that it is for this fanfic. It currently has 30 chapters, and is one of the many fics that is based on YCM itself. Of course, Zexaeon obviously made the best fanfic of this kind, and thus any fanfic of a similar situation should automatically be deemed inferior, but as this is a lengthy fanfic, we can assume that eventually managed to prove itself worthy of its award. But did the first chapter leave a good first impression for Fusion's masterpiece? Let us begin.

 

Wow… You're so passionate about this.

 

Chapter 1: Fuse

 

If that ends up only being a reference to Fusion's name and not relevant to the events of this chapter, I'm going to kill Jen.

 

Hey!

 

But I will be passionate about it.

 

That doesn't help at all!

 

The alarm clock went off at 6:00 A.M on the morning of September 9th with a shrilling cry that pierced any eardrums within the vicinity. A hand clumsily felt around for the clock and then hit the snooze button. However, before its owner could delve back into the land of dreams, his sister burst into the room.

 

What is this nonsense? The first three sentences alone are filled with pretentious purple prose!

 

No, don't you see, Blake? Denver is aware that the writers of YCM aren't passionate enough about writing, and Denver is trying to establish his fanfic as well written by detailing his story to give the reader a clear idea of what is going on! By learning of this world that Fusion has created, we become immersed into this world as if we ourselves are living in it!

 

That's nonsense and you know it. The grammar is fine, but it's adding unnecessary depth to the descriptions.

 

“CHRIS! WAKE UP! WE HAVE TO LEAVE EARLY TODAY!” The young boy struggled to open his eyes and glared at his little sister standing there in his doorway with a haughty demeanor.

 

Denver, I know that you want to establish that this boy's sister is screaming, but isn't an exclamation point enough to convey her tone? After all, let us read the writings of Perseus Jackson. "I'd love to tell you I had some deep revelation on my way down, that I came to terms with my own mortality, laughed in the face of death, et cetera. The truth? My only thought was: Aaaaggghhhhh!" Please, do you honestly expect me to believe that this girl has to scream more loudly than someone who is expecting to fall to his own demise? There's no way anyone can be that passionate!

 

“Come on…just 15 more minutes.” He said just above the tone of a whisper.

 

Does no one understand that sentences like these should be written more along the lines of ""Come on...just fifteen more minutes," he said just above the tone of a whisper."?

 

He was answered with a clonk to his noggin and she stormed out of the room. He sighed and rolled out of bed and proceeded to get dressed. The first day of school…what the hell?! He opened his closet door and stared at his reflection. Staring back at him was a typical 16 year old guy: slightly above average height, mid-length brown hair, blue eyes, and a lanky figure riddled with acne in various places. He rubbed his chin that protruded his face and made a mental note to shave. Then Chris slipped into his outfit for the day and ate breakfast in relative quiet. The first day as a high school sophomore was daunting to him, but he was also relieved he wasn’t a freshman anymore.

 

*punch*

 

What the hell was that for?

 

I just delivered a punch to your head! Really, it's quite simple to know that I did just that. Chris isn't all that passionate about school, which is a rather overused character trait, don't you think? And I'm sorry, but the description of his face makes me imagine that there is a chin jutting from his neck, with the rest of his face protruding from that, and I haven't seen a sixteen year-old that looks like that. It's astonishing that the absence of a single word can cause such a drastic confusion.

 

“I wonder what D.L or El are doing?” Chris said to himself.

 

Daisuke Link was up and brushing his teeth at that moment in time. He sneezed violently, which interrupted his morning ritual. Is someone thinking of me? Maybe it’s Katie! In the mirror in front of him stood a Brazilian of average height with short, curly hair and glasses resting on his nose. Daisuke finished brushing his teeth and zipped down the staircase into his living room. His other siblings were arguing over something, but he didn’t waste time involving himself in it and practically had to use gymnastics in order to traverse the chaos to grab a piece of toast and run out the door.

 

I abstained from commenting onto this until the end of the paragraph to properly show the transition. Since the paragraph break is no different from size than the previous paragraph breaks, it becomes rather jarring that we are suddenly introduced to Daisuke, who is apparently Hayate Ayasaki, much like how Chris is apparently Fusion. Much like paragraph breaks are a necessity to prevent your story from being a wall of text, larger paragraph breaks suggest either a passage of time or a transition to an entirely different scene.

 

Also, who is Katie? Is that the source of Hayate's affections in real life? Or perhaps she is a member of YCM who has been turned into Daisuke's love interest?

 

Chapter Characters suggests that it's the later, I think, but that's not important. What is important is Daisuke's Passionate Maneuver!

 

“I can’t believe my car’s in the shop on the first day of school!"

 

At the same moment in time, a teenager with long, dark hair was dead asleep lying on his front covering the whole bed with his head buried in the pillow.

 

His father came in and said, “Boy, wake up. You have school today.”

 

YOU THERE. BOY.

 

Yes, because every father addresses his son like that. Such an inspirational father-son relationship!

 

He was met with no response, so he knelt down and shouted in his ear, “ELFMAN MAKE, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED!”

 

Wait a minute, El is Elfman? In that case, who the hell does this guy think he is? Only a man decides whether or not he will wake up! If Elfman's father is man, then he will respect the decision of a man!

 

He was answered with El subconsciously bashing him in the face thinking it was his alarm clock. A few minutes later, El walked out of his house looking very disgruntled.

 

“Getting grounded over the most inane matters…feh.”

 

Clearly El used Take Over magic and his father is but a Muggle.

 

So I guess this is the titular "Trio of DEF"? Chris and Elfman were both introduced as lying in their beds when a family member wakes them up rather loudly. Daisuke, only the other hand-

 

That reminds me, anyone reading this owes Rarity and Dark $5.00 each.

 

Well, he's kind of creepy and takes any excuse up to and including a simple sneeze to believe that Katie loves him, which Chapter Characters informs me is in fact true. I'm sorry, but I don't like these guys.

 

And this is Jen who's saying this, everyone. Let that sink in for a while.

 

What's that supposed to mean?

 

About 20 minutes later, El pulled into the parking lot and Chris got off his bus.

 

“What’s good El?” Chris asked as they both trudged over to the front entrance.

 

“I got grounded again. Hit my stupid father in the face by accident.” he replied with no amusement.

 

Almost there. How about some more commas?

 

Chris winced, “Sucks bro, but hey, at least you don’t have a little sister yelling in your face.”

 

Just a parent, but Chris isn't going to mention that. I don't blame him.

 

El felt like mouthing off with his morning experience, but was simply too tired and said, “So where’s-”

 

“Yeah, siblings are a pain sometimes,” D.L said as he ran up behind Chris and El.

 

He read the inquisitive looks on his friends’ faces and replied, “My car’s in the shop. I had to go through chaotic siblings, traffic, a crazy hobo, and a Jennifer Lopez look-alike to get here.” Chris wondered just what kind of trouble he ran into whereas El simply dismissed it as more of D.L’s shenanigans.

 

Has Daisuke's age been explained yet? It's kind of hard because otherwise I imagine him as being the same age as Chris and Elfman.

 

“So Fuse…happy you’re not a freshman anymore?” El asked.

 

Chris perked up at his nickname and laughed, “Yeah man, no longer will I suffer from the indignities of being shunned by others, smushed into lockers, or being denied my dream. I shall charge into this year with the full power of the Springtime of Youth!” With that he took a pose with his fist raised in the air triumphantly.

 

Chris' speech seemed like something ripped from a standard shonen anime. I mean, he event quotes Might Guy! Oh Guy-sensei, you sexy, passionate beast you.

 

…What?

 

Moving along!

 

El and D.L stared at him blankly as Leo, a kid whose heart was as cold as ice and with hair to match in color, simply walked by and said, “F*g.”

 

Since Leo's a homophobe, that makes him more unlikeable than our "heroic" trio. SUCH A LIKABLE CAST OF CHARACTERS. As an actual Leo, I am insulted that this particular Leo is apparently ice-themed.

 

Chris immediately felt stupid and straightened up, saying, “Well, I guess I still need to work on my social skills.”

 

El nodded and walked inside, “D.L we have physics first. I hear the teacher’s a b*tch, we should get there on time.” D.L nodded and said bye to Chris. With that, Chris made his way to his locker. He glanced over and saw people crowding around someone. He made his way over and saw an argument going on. Immediately he recognized Alan "Deustodo" Deus and Lich Creator, known as the madness master and intelligent gambler respectively.

 

So far so good. Nothing could possibly mess this u-

 

Both were foreign and were referred to by their last names, they argued with each other frequently.

 

Run-on sentence! Faster than the speed of stupid, but slower than the speed of spell-check!

 

Deustodo stood tall and particularly focused his glare through his left eye and Creator glared back with piercing, purple eyes that always seemed to know what you were thinking.

 

Chapter Characters would have us believe that Creator looks like FusionFall!Dexter, but it's obvious that he is in fact hiding a Geass. The only reason who knows what people are thinking is because he's making them think what he expects them to think.

 

Wouldn't it just make more sense that he can read minds?

 

Wait, so he's Mao? That makes him far more awesome!

 

Deus was blabbing some nonsense about cake and madness while Creator argued with stuff that sounded logical and insulted Deustodo as insane.

 

This sentence sounds awkward, particularly the last part. Wouldn't it just be easier to say that Creator called Deustodo insane?

 

Chris walked to his locker since he never could follow their arguments. He opened it to discover someone had stuffed a bunch of burnt matches in there. With a heavy sigh he went to fetch the trash barrel.

 

"Oh hey, someone stuffed some matches in my locker. No biggie, it's not like an administrative officer can catch me at any moment and bust me, asking me how those got there.

 

One year ago, Chris was conducting his first biology lab during the first week of school. They were analyzing reactions of certain organic compounds with chemicals and one of the tests involved heating one of the chemicals. When Chris was tasked to light the match, he had trouble doing so until he finally got it. But the flame moved to close to Chris’ finger and he instinctively jerked, causing the match to fly out of his hand and fly into the teacher’s wooden desk, setting it on fire in the process. Before the biology teacher could get a fire extinguisher, the fire had spread and headed toward the chemicals. Everyone evacuated from the room just as the chemicals were lit and the room blew up, leaving a huge, gaping hole in the wall of the school.

 

Luckily no one was hurt and the school was understanding since it was an accident and Chris had an exemplary middle school record, so they did not expel him. However, he was suspended for a week and by the time he came back, everyone referred to him as Fuse, forever branding him with the nickname and reputation for his entire high school career. Chris did his best to be kind to everyone and shrug off anyone who made fun of him, but no one really wanted to befriend him.

 

Don't most schools not give the slightest damn about your past behavior? Chris committed a felony, even if it was an accident, and even if he wasn't expelled, he should have been suspended for longer and/or had to pay for the damage.

 

Blake, do you even know the full details about the rules at your school?

 

Do you even go to school?

 

Ah, touché.

 

Anyway, I'll give you props for establishing Chris' backstory, since there was actually an excuse to do so and it tied into how he received his current nickname.

 

Then one day he stumbled across El and D.L.

 

The two were hanging on a street corner staring at a lone, chibi doll with curly pink locks and a frown on her face.

 

“Whatever this thing is, I want to burn it.” El said as he reached for his dad’s lighter.

 

“No! I think it’s cute!” D.L said, grabbing the doll and holding it close.

 

“You realize that’s probably been peed on, right?” El said staring at D.L with disgust.

 

D.L put it in the pocket of his coat and replied, “I don’t care, I think I’ll keep it. I think I’ll call her…Rina.”

 

Chris had observed the scene and came forward, “Hey, isn’t she the tutorial guide in that MMORPG, Chibi Knights?” The two stared at him blankly making Chris feel awkward and wishing he hadn’t spoken.

 

…WHAT? Okay, you have got to be kidding me! Chris and El are apparently arsonists, which is yet another similarity between them. Their introductions were the same, and the backstory has them involving burning stuff, regardless of whether it was unintentional or merely considered. El also has his father's lighter for whatever reason, though I gather that he stole it, making El the least likable of the trio, while Daisuke is probably my favorite.

 

Don't say that! Remember when Roxas said someone was his favorite in a trio, and that someone was me?

 

Ah, yes. That lead to you somehow getting here and giving me a migraine. I might have to lay down when this all over.

 

…Next to Roxas? Because that would be-

 

If you finish that sentence how I know you will finish it, then that is wrong in more ways than I can even begin to contemplate.

 

He was about to apologize and leave when D.L said, “Now that I think of it, you’re right. I’ve been playing so long, I barely remember the tutorial.”

 

El’s eyes narrowed and said, “Now I remember. She had the most annoying voice and personality, the only reason I didn’t quit was cuz I lost that bet with you D.L. Glad I stayed though, otherwise I would never have found the Hollowblade and become the SIC.”

 

Chris’ eyes widened with amazement and exclaimed, “You’re the Secret Illusionist Commandeer?! That’s flipping awesome!”

 

And it was through this chance meeting that Chris gained new fans!

 

Yes, yes, and then many a fanfic were written. It's as clichéd as someone running into Maximillion Pegasus - whoever that is - and being blown away because apparently he created Duel Monsters, which I know isn't true.

 

El quickly glanced at his surroundings to see if anyone he knew was around, and then replied, “I know right? Chibi Knights is actually pretty addictive. But don’t tell anyone.” He ended with a menacing tone.

 

Hold on a second!

 

Roxas, you're awake!

 

Keep it down, I have a hangover. I have a few things I would like to say to the both of you, but that will have to wait for now. In the meantime, haven't you realized that the Chibi Knights is an organization on YCM that has been turned into an MMORPG in this fanfic?

 

I guess, but that's relevant how? That's kind of the point of these kinds of fics, remember?

 

Oh. Eh, guess I'm just sad that the Organization hasn't been mentioned yet?

 

That reminds me, how are you handling that orgy, Roxas?

 

Who let her in here?

 

Chris gulped and turned to D.L, “So do you play CK too?”

 

The two of them laughed which confused Chris until D.L explained, “I’m the administrator of CK. I’m DarkLink401.”

 

Chris did his best to not stain his pants from excitement and said, “You two…you’re internet celebrities! I remember one time there was a crowd around you guys and I couldn’t get into Chibi City for a whole hour!”

 

I attended a Borders event where the main cast of The Lightning Thief movie was there. Granted, I could probably write an entire review on how unfaithful that was, but when Brandon T. Jackson said he was in Tropic Thunder, which I didn't realize until then, I cheered. Hell, if I met Mod Tytn, Tetsuya Nomura, Johnny Depp, or Amy Adams, I highly doubt that I would have such a reaction. It's not that realistic, and seems like something that would be from a stoner comedy, not a serious novel, which is what I presume Fusion is attempting to do here.

 

El shrugged and D.L giggled from amusement, then asked, “What’s your username?”

 

Chris sheepishly said, “Uh…FusionXD.”

 

El smirked and said, “Interesting how you did a variation of your nickname. So you’re the type of person who accepts humiliation?”

 

Chris felt silent, and then simply said, “Well, fusion’s coincidentally my favorite word. And…the X and D are my last two initials.”

 

El took this in and said, “I know people give you crap for it, but I’ve always wanted to blow up the school. I’m impressed you beat me to it.”

 

Chris was surprised and D.L continued, “Blowing stuff up and other out of place acts like that are some of my main interests, for you to do that as a freshman is amazing to me.”

 

Daisuke (Seriously, we know that those are their real names, so why not just refer to them as such?) can't continue, since Elfman was the last one to talk.

 

Chris felt weird and asked them, “So uh, what are your names?”

 

D.L offered his hand to shake and said, “My name is Daisuke, Daisuke Link, although my friends call me D.L. I’m a sophomore at YCM High and I’m essentially an otaku.”

 

El lifted his head up, “Name’s Elfman Make, call me Elfy, Manny, or anything besides El, I’ll kill you. I do what I want, when I want, and treat almost everyone with a prickish attitude. If you’re alright in my book, I insult you even more than I do the general public. Congratufrickinlations.”

 

Definitely my favorite line so far.

 

Chris shook D.L’s hand and stared at El with a little trepidation. “My name’s Chris Denver. Most people call me Fuse ever since freshman year; I’m a goody-two-shoes who doesn’t like to make enemies and tries to be friends with everyone.”

 

Chris, they know your nickname. That's Elfman made a big deal practically congratulating/envying you for blowing up the school before he could.

 

D.L smiled and said, “Well you’ve made two today. Want to sit with us at lunch tomorrow?”

 

Chris’ mouth opened in surprise a little bit and he said, “Sure! I’ll see you guys later then!” Then all three split up to make their ways back home. Suddenly it occurred to Chris that his conversation with El and D.L had caused him to miss the bus.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Later that day,

 

"Later that day" as in later during the flashback, or have we returned to the present and gone from there? If so, then that transition would have been nice to see earlier.

 

a similar incident occurred, as Chris was caught up in talking with them about their new classes and forgot about his bus. Chris had managed to get home by hitching a ride with the theater crew, since Chris’ house was on the way to the local theater.

 

“I’m lucky Black was there, they almost kicked me to the curb. That guy’s nice to just about everyone-” Suddenly he noticed a kid with long blond hair putting something in his mailbox.

 

“Hey, what are you doing?!” Chris yelled.

 

Hey, maybe it's just the mailman doing his job.

 

Liberty.

 

Reason.

 

Justice.

 

Civility.

 

Edification.

 

Perfection.

 

MAIL.

 

The kid saw him and threw something to the ground. Purple smoke enveloped where he stood and after a few seconds, the cloud cleared and he was gone.

 

“Weird…like a ninja…” Chris muttered to himself. He carefully opened his mailbox and found a letter inside it. He fiddled with it until it opened and he read the first line of the notice inside with one sentence, an address, and a date.

 

“Please join this organization…” Chris read out loud.

 

Organization XIII?

 

Ha! You wish.

 

So guys, what did you think?

 

I honestly didn't think this left a good first impression, since I don't particularly care for half the characters.

 

The chapter ended with a good hook, though, so I guess it leads up to something better later on. Overall, I can see how this could lead the way for a good fanfic, since it actually gave Chris a backstory, though I didn't like that there were a few inconsistencies in terms of time and referring to certain characters.

 

Roxas, you have no idea how much you missed.

 

Well I liked it! Roxas, do you think you might read this again?

 

I guess. Well, I'm in it, so that's incentive enough, and if it really won the award for Best Fanfic, then it must be worthwhile. However, I don't think it set up the plot until the very end, at least from what I read.

 

Oh, it was basically about three kids who did their morning routine then went to school.

 

So the premise isn't much different than a standard Duel Academy fic? No offense.

 

Pretty much, and none taken.

 

So Roxas, how did I do?

 

Well, I'll have to review the commentary you and Blake had while I was out, and I'll decide from there. Let us head to my office and we can discuss this matter further.

 

Okay!

 

Edited May 3, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Phantom Roxas]

No comments? Oh well, this is certainly one of the worst fics I've reviewed yet.

 

[spoiler=Up to 11 - {Cold Shrill}]Jen is currently reading the past Divinations, and Blake is off tending to some work he apparently needed to take care of. As such, I will once again will reviewing alone. (Un)fortunately, this is a rather short and simple story, so I wouldn't even need their help reviewing Cold Shrill by .:Zankogen Sakurana:.. Apparently the existence of the edit button eludes him, as he posted one topic, but was unable to complete the spoiler tags and made a rather arrogant "How is this fic?" poll with the only option being "Good". In this new thread, Zankogen has learned how to finish spoilers, and has posted a poll with the options of "Good", "Average", and "Bad", and he seems to believe that the poll will change every time he releases a new chapter.

 

So, what is this story about? Well, I'm certain that Zankogen does not set expectations so low that he finds it absolutely necessary to actually tell us-

 

The story cold shrill is about the story of Roman Talus. A kid turn werewolf. This story is told from a 3rd person view.

 

…Well, I managed to be proven wrong quite fast. Well then, let us proceed to Chapter…Characters. Oh well, perhaps it is clearly defined and not a further insult to our intelligence.

 

Roman Talus

Place in Story: A main Protagonist

Age:18

 

Cystal Madison

Place in Story: A main Protagonist

Age: 17

 

Here's advice to readers: If there is a problem with something that precedes Chapter 1, then you may as well just stop. Chapter Character is entirely unnecessary, especially when you only have two characters in there with the only information being their roles, which are obvious to determine, and their ages, which can be mentioned rather quickly. Fortunately, this brief stupidity allows to proceed to "Chapter 1: Reborn". Will this clichéd title prove to be relevant or will it just end up being a placeholder because Zankogen was unwilling to actually put thought into the chapter title? Let us begin.

 

Roman Talus entered Jaestro Academy. He went to his locker and got all the things he needed. He walked towards his 1st class. While he was walking through the hallways, with a backpack carrying books that together weighed almost a ton. As he was was walking he saw, the girl of his dreams, Crystal Madison.

 

The very first paragraph and I'm already confused. Who is Roman Talus? What is Jaestro Academy? This is just far too sudden and the story begins at an incredibly random point without properly introducing the character or the situation. The only upside here is that it avoids the cliché of having our protagonist be late to school and encounter the plot, but it's obvious that you put little thought or research as to how you should properly begin your story.

 

And that was just the first sentence, which wasn't elaborated upon in the following paragraph. While we don't care what Roman needs for class, apparently just writing "everything he needed" was enough to count as describing his actions. Then of course there's lazily writing "1st" instead of "first". Then there's that fragment of a sentence. "While he was walking through the hallways, with a backpack carrying books that together weighed almost a ton," what happened? Oh, apparently that is continued in the next sentence, where we meet the shallow love interest. I can tell that we are in for exciting and original story here.

 

As they walked past each other he said almost choking but hiding it he said,

 

"Hi Crystal. How's things?" Crystal replied,

 

"Hi Rome, I am doing well, thank you!"

 

No, that is not how dialogue works. You're supposed to write the dialogue on the same line as the person who spoke. On it's own, ""Hi Crystal. How's things?" Crystal replied," is incredibly awkward, as it suggests that Crystal is greeting Crystal, which is complete nonsense.

 

Almost everyone except, the headmaster and staff (but his teachers) called him Rome.

 

So at school, his classmates and his teachers called him "Rome"? Thank you for completely suggesting that his nickname was incredibly common, then immediately pointing out the rather numerous exceptions that create that "almost".

 

Rome went through all his classes with speed and quickness.

 

Apparently "speed" and "quickness" are two entirely different things in this situation.

 

He had the guts to do something he should have done a long time ago. After school he got his stuff and walked up to Crystal and asked,

"Crystal do you want to see a movie with me?"

 

"I'd love to watch a movie with you Rome. What movie?"

 

Not even in the most basic of anime stories (At least that is what I am assuming is the basis for your thought process, since I wouldn't expect any different from YCM) does this work. Either he gets rejected, something prevents him from actually confessing, something goes wrong with their date, or some new girl with an actual personality shows up to become Roman's ultimate love interest. Roman's confession is being played up as something dramatic, but it comes across as very casual, and it doesn't sound like he's actually confessing.

 

A close friend of Crystal's thought that them dating were a cute couple.

 

Being a Shipper on Deck like this is practically Shilling the Wesley, and thus I don't care.

 

She told Roman all the things Crystal hates/likes so he's get her quick and easy. Her movies were the ones that involved sci-fi. Zombies, Vampires and such.

 

I'm not even going to bother with the numerous grammatical errors here. The problem is that Crystal's anonymous friend is apparently very eager to leak Crystal's preferences just because she apparently thinks Roman is good for Crystal. What possessed her to think that Roman would be good for Crystal and thus go behind her back to give him such personal information?

 

"Clawed Fury, the new werewolf movie?" Rome said.

 

"Clawed Fury, I have been dying to see that! What time?" Crystal said

 

Alternatively, didn't Roman ever consider that perhaps Crystal's friend was lying? Furthermore, say I asked a girl to a movie, and immediately asked if she would be interested in seeing Breaking Dawn Part I. Who's to say that she is in fact not a Twilight fan, and would think I would want to see it with her would work because she is a girl? Either Zankogen thought it would be clever to sneak a reference to Twilight's demographic, or this somehow ends up being a meta reference to the plot.

 

"7:30, I'll pick you up at 7?" Rome replied

 

"Alright. See you" Crystal replied. Rome had butterflies in his stomach instantly. Well later, Rome goes to pick her up, fighting his nervousness. He picks her up in his dad's GMC Yukon. She walks out her car waving bye to her parents, she enters the car.

 

It seems that Zankogen favors the awkward conversations between Roman and Crystal as opposed to actually detailing the events that occur in between, which for some reason have been written in the present tense.

 

"Ready?" He asked?

 

Are you asking me or telling me that he asked her?

 

"All set" *clicks seat belt*

 

This is only the first of many unnecessary script-like explanation of actions.

 

Then, as once as she said that, they went to the theaters. This movie was intense. You saw a serial killer who was bitten by a werewolf. He went around killing people with his claws and scarfing their organs, not with guns, like he intended to.

 

We saw no such thing. We were simply informed of Roman and Crystal's incredibly bland and glossed over date.

 

After that they got in the car and took a road with apparently no cars on it. Then suddenly, when Rome looked away, had his Crystal pressed a certain button that stopped the car.

 

I'm not sure if referring to her as "his Crystal" was intentional or not, but certainly comes across as rather creepy. Our protagonist, ladies and gentleman!

 

It made them get out and start walking on a path in the forest she knew.

"Me and my dad used to hike all the time. But, ever since he got that job as a business man, we haven't been hanging out like we you used to." Suddenly she stopped him. Then he asked,

 

"Something wrong Crystal?" Suddenly Crystal changed. Her spine grew twice as big. Her hair grew all over her body. Her clothes became infused in her body. Making her a furry monster.

She was a werewolf. Suddenly, she bit at Rome's wrist. Rome dropped and started shaking and turning on the ground like he was being attacked at all directions.

 

"Yeah, I wanted to tell you this secret. I am werewolf. I know you would tell. So I turned you into a werewolf. So if you tell, I tell." she said in an explaining voice, "I need you to call me we have to talk about something." * Throws a piece of paper with the numbers 555-6723*

 

The writing here is no different from before, but there was no indication that Roman would tell and nothing to prompt Crystal's transformation. Once again, this all happened because the plot demanded it.

 

Roman grew his spine bigger than hers. He had gray fur while she had black. His body almost twice bigger than hers.

 

"Wait how do I change back!?" He asked anxiously.

 

Ordinarily, wouldn't someone either be screaming in agonizing pain or being too busy howling?

 

"I knew you'd ask!

 

Considering how you bit him for no reason and transformed with no explanation, it doesn't surprise me that he could ask such an obvious question.

 

Before you do that though look what you can do. Chase me!" Suddenly she ran faster than lightening. Then she ran up a tree using only her back paws. Amazing grip.

 

"That does look fun... But I need to Change back and get back to my dad's car." He replied to her.

 

Good to know you have your priorities straight, Roman. I'm so glad you're the hero of this tale.

 

"Alright, what you do is think about it. Which do you choose, if you choose human you must think about your human past and that's what you'll get and vice-versa."

 

Don't forget to click your heels.

 

Suddenly, Rome stands up and thinks about his past. Asking Crystal out, childhood memories, even his 1st day of school. Once he thought, He was back to his normal height.

 

The power of bland memories saves the day!

 

His clothes were back, and he asked a question that was quite pointless,

 

Much like how Zankogen asked himself whether this fanfic was worth posting. It's not, and yet he still did so.

 

"Can we still go out? Now, were a perfect match."

 

"Oh noooooooo, I'm a werewolf! Hey, do you still want to be my girlfriend since we're both werewolves?"

 

And from that day forth, Roman truly embraced his Furry Fandom.

 

"Maybe, just keep your mouth shut.." She said

 

"Will do" He replied like a soldier.

 

Then he remembers a good perk. He remembers all the pain he went through becoming a werewolf.

 

What pain? You didn't bother to explain that he experienced the pain he obviously should have been in, so how could he remember something that never happened? This nonsense is not Chain of Memories.

 

Once he became one, he ran towards his car. Looked under the engine one more time. He was out of oil. Went to his trunk and got some oil, filled it up, closed it and drove off.

 

He called Crystal asking if she wanted a ride, she said she rather run. He tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn't budge.

 

So either she runs away, or returns home with her parents wondering where Roman was? If she said that he drove off before she got home, then she would give her parents the impression that Roman is in fact a terrible boyfriend. I'm glad to know that the leading lady is so ungrateful and inconsiderate!

 

As soon as he went home he lied on his bed. He felt different. It was if he was reborn and he was more advanced then humans. He slowly drifted off.

 

That was a lousy, last-minute attempt to shoehorn in the name of the title.

 

Fortunately, we are done with this atrocity. This was an entirely lazy effort, with hardly enough time spent of giving details for anything, incredibly uninteresting lead characters, and an awfully written romance that was forced and only ended up serving as a poorly written attempt at being a werewolf romance. This was terrible story, and so I will humor you and vote "Bad". Whatever books you happen to be a fan of, I strongly consider studying the rhyming patterns and improve you effort. Until you can so that, then I strongly recommend that you do not post more filth of this kind.

 

Roxas, I finished reading all your passionate reviews! Oh, and I was keeping up with your review just now! I hope I'm not intruding.

 

Far from it, Jen. In fact, I have just finished the review. By the way, have you seen Blake?

 

I'm right here, Roxas.

 

Ah, there you are! So, where have you been?

 

Oh, you'll see soon enough.

 

I see. Well then, I guess that wraps things up then. Good night, I suppose.

 

Good night, Roxas! I think I'll be going to bed too.

 

Take care, both of you. After all, you will need all the rest you can get.

 

Edited May 3, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Phantom Roxas]

I did a collaboration with Hayate Ayasaki, A20thCentury Boy, and No. -1 Dr. Cakey.

 

[spoiler=Rex 012 Angelus -{Yu-Gi-Oh D.T.}]

Welcome one, welcome all, to the most amazing review ever.

Why, you ask? Because this time, there won’t just be riffing. There won’t just be praises and adulations. And there won’t just be divinations. We’re combining anything and everything (almost, excluding crabs and electric mice) and making it into a spectacle to behold. This is…Divination Audulation Riffviews!…or something. I we decided to review this fine piece called Yu-Gi-Oh D.T., by Crimson Blaze. He writes for YCM, so I’ll assume it’s not exactly perfect.

 

We’ll start with a few words from the author.

 

 

This story is takes place several decades after Yu-Gi-Oh! 5d's. The setting is pretty much the same.

 

Daisuke: That’s tantamount to telling us this fic will be a complete rip-off of 5Ds and we should leave right now. My guess is that’s not what you were going for.

 

Roxas: It's going to be a standard 5D's The Next Generation. What matters is how this is apparently supposed to be different.

 

There are cities, highways connecting them, and large companies. The towns and cities that this story takes place in are rich and poor, almost what you see in today's society.

 

Daisuke: Only almost. In truth, today’s society is composed of a 3rd mystery circumstance of economic status.

 

The main characters are Eric Uchiha (Yes, the last name was inspired by Naruto and created when I was very young) and Garry Kenobi (Inspired by Star Wars; also created when I was younger). Eric is a talentless teenager who is a dueling genius.

 

Daisuke: Then he’s not talentless.

 

Dio: The author, on the other hand...too harsh?

 

Dr. Cakey: Well, he doesn’t have enough talent to think of changing terrible names to less terrible names.

 

Roxas: Is it really that hard to just come up with a surname or use a more common one?

 

He takes odd jobs and lives in an apartment. Garry is a teenager who has inherited his late father's company, D.T. Organization, which designs duel runners, duel disks, etc. The antagonists are the Dark Chasers, an evil group that duels people for their rare cards.

 

Daisuke: So not only did the author tell us who the antagonist organization is, he made them exactly like the “Rare Hunters”, except THEIR name made sense. Rare Hunters HUNT for RARE cards. What, do Dark Chasers…uh…chase DARK cards?

 

Dr. Cakey: The name probably comes from the Shadow Riders. Remember those guys? The vampire? That Amazon? Don Zaloog? Amnael? Somehow I think the Dark Chasers will be equally memorable.

 

Roxas: Except "Shadow Rider"" was a dub term, much like "Rare Hunter" was. Respectively, their Japanese names were Seven Stars Assassins and Ghouls. The of course there is the whole thing with the apparent namesake of this story being Garry's father's company, although it's "D.T. Organization." Did Organization XIII really inspire that many people to use "Organization" to refer to their obligatory evil groups?

 

They are very mysterious and serve an unknown (for now that is) boss. This is my first fanfic, so please give me constructive criticism and support.

 

Daisuke: I got one. Write better. No. I am serious. What is this “They are very mysterious” and “They serve an unknown (for now) boss” garbage? Don‘t blatantly tell us they’re mysterious, that’s just plain bad, and their boss being unknown makes no sense unless you are Sasuke Eric Uchiha, or Obi-Wan Gary Garry Kenobi and are in the story, and do not know the boss. But in that case you wouldn’t know if you’d meet him later on or not.

 

Dio: Constructive criticism. Right. Now, let me just make this clear-if this fic shows absolutely no hope of redemption, I'm turning this over to someone else.

 

Dr. Cakey: Here’s some advice. “They are very mysterious” is terrible. It’s telling the reader to be curious about them. Just by changing that line to something like “Very little is known about them”, you improve it – it’s still an info-dump, but it’s better…

 

…but you should cut all the story-related material here anyway, because at best it has no point and at worst it hurts the story. Needless to say, this isn’t best.

 

Roxas: If the boss is mysterious, then it's a given in these kinds of stories that we'll eventually discover their identity. These kinds of introductions are always unnecessary, because you give away what the plot of the story at the top of the thread, even though such a thing could be explained in the story. Yes, I known that if you pick up a novel and look at the back it often explains the plot to you, but it's still a good idea to not reveal so much.

 

Here is Chapter 1

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! D.T.

 

Chapter 1-Overdrive: The Story Begins

 

Roxas: How painfully generic, even though the "Overdrive" is unnecessary.

 

The man in the black cloak knocked the man down.

 

Dr. Cakey: No. Just no. Write that again.

 

Dio: Then he ran across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed.

 

Daisuke: Say what? This was so sudden. I mean, I don’t mind starting with action, but don’t start with bad action, and bad description. All we get from this is that there is a guy with a black cloak that knocked another guy down. Setting aside the fact I am more than sick of people in black cloaks being portrayed as evil, the action sucks, the closest I can picture is a playground bully pushing a faceless kid down.

 

Roxas: It's awkward to have two characters referred to as "the man", with the only difference being that the other is dressed in black. By establishing only that a man has pushed apparently another man down, we can't think of where this may be happening, or what either of them look like at all.

 

He had just finished another duel. He was good at dueling…always was. That’s why he joined the organization in the first place.

 

Roxas: I know people love to make Yu-Gi-Oh! jokes about Luxord, but this is absurd.

 

Dr. Cakey: He was good at dueling…always was. But dueling…changes people. Makes them put on…black cloaks. Sometimes they start to use ellipses…poorly.

 

It’s motto

 

Daisuke: It is motto. That is all.

 

-Change the world, everything begins with a small step. He was questioning whether he had made the right choice. Leaving his family for-what was it again? The fame? The power? The money?

 

Daisuke: Given the fact he already forgot, we can assume this is small foreshadow that he turns good later on. Or it could just be that this writer is a grade-school student that has seen a keyboard for the first time in his life and had the ingenious idea of writing on it. Except, wait, that would be a stupid idea.

 

Roxas: Alternatively, he became so obsessed with what he has become that he forgot the very thing that set him on the path. It's a pitiful attempt at establishing not!Luxord as deep.

 

The rogue duelist scanned the man’s deck, full of junk cards as always. Tossing away the “trash cards”, or so the group had called them, he rode into the black on his duel runner.

 

Dr. Cakey: K THEY CALL CARDS TRASH IM NOT SURE BUT I THINK THEY MIGHT BE VILLAINS BECAUSE A LOT OF YUGIOH VILLAINS CALL CARDS TRASH BUT IM NOT SURE

 

Daisuke: If they were trash, then you didn’t have to be good to beat them. This leads me to believe this Rare Hunter Dark Chaser actually sucks at dueling, so he duels homeless children to make himself look better and to be able to insult their cards when he himself runs a Celtic Guardian support deck.

 

Dio: "Full of junk cards as always" can also be read as, "This duelist beat up on this poor sucker multiple times, expecting to find different cards in the same deck."

 

Roxas: And yet he doesn't consider taking the entire deck in the off chance that some of his fellow Dark Chasers may have use for the cards? Or, you know, auction the cards online and laugh at the people paying so much for such "trashy" cards.

 

Bright in the morning

 

Daisuke: As opposed to dark in the morning. I think you were going for “Early in the morning”, or something along those lines.

 

the next day, Eric Uchiha, a 16-year-old teen,

 

Roxas: There are sixteen year-olds who aren't teenagers?

 

orphaned, strolled down to the local market, buying a bottle of iced tea as he did every other day. His employment was rather inconsistent, for he took any job he could find. He wasn’t the smartest kid in his class, at the bottom of the heap actually. Eric wasn’t strong, gifted, or kind. In fact, there wasn’t anyone who even ventured to form a friendship, much less a bond with him.

 

Dio: So he's RiRi?

 

But there was one thing he took seriously-dueling. It had always been his passion, riding down the lane, the wind rustling through his silky, black hair.

 

Daisuke: So apparently, in this universe, orphaned 16-year olds can apparently work at jobs that pay well enough for them to go to school, buy cards, a motorcycle, a place to live (assuming he lives with nobody, since if he did the author would have blatantly stated it) AND a bottle of iced tea every other day. And to think we’re stuck at 6 bucks an hour for minimum wage.

 

Dr. Cakey: Really? Minimum wage is higher over here. Although I believe the only way to pay your way through competitive-level Yugimonz is neurosurgery or pyramid schemes.

 

He was so confident, in fact, of his abilities that he accepted any duel proposed to him. Unfortunately, this would prove to be his downfall…

 

Daisuke: Wha- I…I can’t…no. Please, someone explain why this is…I can’t even find the words to express what I want to say clearly enough as to why that last sentence shouldn’t be there.

 

Dr. Cakey: Furthermore, I can tell from here it’s not going to be his downfall, because he’s going to win whatever duel is coming up.

 

Roxas: Of course he will. Yuma was established as a complete loser, and so Eric is intended to be an expy of him. I'm not sure if it's worse to base the protagonist on Judai or Yuma.

 

Eric was halfway done with his bottle when his landlord, Mark Glenston, passed by him. He never like his landlord and his landlord never liked him.

 

Dio: But now they gotta live together, on "The Odd Duelists!"

 

It wasn’t surprising since nobody did, but he was different.

 

Roxas: Unlike everyone else, Mark could see through Eric's ZETSUBOU.

 

He didn’t avoid him like the others. In fact, he constantly badgered him about his behavior, his rent, the works…but he enjoyed that.

 

Roxas: How dare Mark be doing his job!

 

He even considered him to perhaps be an acquaintance, no, like an older brother.

 

Roxas: We made the jump from "acquaintance" to "older brother"? How?

 

“Where’s my rent, Eric!?” yelled Glenston.

“You’ll get it when you need it, old man!” replied Eric.

“You youngsters never show any respect to your elders. No wonder nobody likes you,” said Glenston coolly as he brushed his graying hair back.

“Hmph! We’ll see who gets the last laugh,” Eric shot back.

“I’ll kick you out if I don’t get my money in ten days!” shouted Glenston.

 

Dio: So when did we start watching Spider-Man?

 

Daisuke: And thus Glenston gets the last laugh.

 

The two went their separate ways. Eric noticed a child crying on a park bench. He tried to forget about helping him but couldn’t help himself.

 

Daisuke: I thought he wasn’t kind?

 

Dr. Cakey: I guess Eric couldn’t live up to the being-a-complete-b**** expected of an Uchiha.

 

He walked over, took him by the hand, and bought him a vanilla ice-cream cone. It proved to be a suitable balm for upset children as the child stopped crying instantaneously.

 

Daisuke: Child: Mommy…*cries* my mommy died!

Eric: Here, ice cream!

Child: Ice cream! *instantaneously happy*

 

“What’s your name?” inquired Eric.

“I’m Hitari. And you are?”

 

Daisuke: Now, now, Timmy. Didn’t your mom ever teach you not to talk to strangers and accept ice cream and candy from them?

 

“Leaving. Go back to your mom, kid.”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t?”

 

Daisuke: “She’s dead.”

 

Dio: ...Jim.

 

“She’s been captured by the Dark Chasers.”

“The Dark Chasers?”

“Yeah, they’re this gang that goes around and steals people’s rare cards after they beat them in a duel.”

 

Dr. Cakey: So the Dark Chasers steal rare cards…and they captured your mom…from this, I can conclude…your mother is a rare card?

 

Daisuke: Now that I think about it, it seems weird that that first Dark Chaser we saw dueled a guy with crappy cards (not to mention the fact he only seemingly noticed they were crappy after the duel) when Dark Chasers are after rare cards. Wow, maybe he really does run Celtic Guardian support…

 

“A duel gang, huh?”

“You’ve gotta help me!”

“I never refuse a challenge! Meet me here tonight, I’m gonna be ready to take those bastards down.”

 

Dio: WATCH THE LANGUAGE, MAN! He's just a kid!

 

Roxas: Never refuse a challenge, you say? Is that why you refuse to give Mark the money he requires of you, or do you not consider that a challenge?

 

The only problem is, he didn’t know what he would do. Sure he could beat them but what if they take his cards, especially his favorite, Lunar Knight? Either way, he made a promise and he intended to keep it.

 

Daisuke: I always find it funny when people describe their characters through the narrator instead of showing us how they are. But I find it hilarious when what that character does contradicts what the narrator says. Here we see Eric being very kind, and determined to help this unknown child who made him waste living money on ice cream. Yet the narrator says he wasn’t kind. So far all that matches is that he’s sure of himself when it comes to dueling. Except Eric’s an idiot because he’s not going to refuse a challenge that he himself is going to make to the Dark Chasers to get Timmy’s mom back.

 

At 12 o’clock sharp, Hitari arrived.

“Ready mister?”

“The name’s Eric, not mister. Got it?”

“Whatever you say, mister.”

 

Dr. Cakey: U C IT IS FUNY BCAS HE SAID HIS NAMES NOT MISTER BUT THE KID CALLED HIM MISTER ANYWAY

 

Daisuke: “Man, if I was Eric-as-described-by-narrator, I would so screw that kid’s face up!”

 

Eric snarled to the side and continued following the kid. Finally, they arrived at a small warehouse.

 

Daisuke: Why is it always a warehouse?

 

Dr. Cakey: The f*** is “snarling to the side”?

 

He could see that the lights were on and people were obviously inside. He peeked through the window and caught a glimpse of a large man wearing a black leather jacket. He was drinking with the rest of his gang. Despicable, thought Eric. Suddenly, he felt a push on his back. Without warning, Eric fell inside the building, with everyone staring at him.

“I got you another one, boss.”

“Good job, kid. Keep this up, and I just might make you my right-hand man,” laughed the large man.

 

Dio: "REALLY?!"

"No. Get back to work."

"Yes, sir."

 

Dr. Cakey: GENUINE PLOT TWIST! Silly, contrived plot twist, but a genuine silly, contrived plot twist.

 

And what about the man drinking with the rest of his gang makes him “despicable”? Were they drinking pureed puppy?

 

“What is this?” asked a puzzled Eric.

“You’ve been tricked, dumb-ass. I lured you here so we can rob you of that rare card we heard you had,” smirked Hitari.

 

Daisuke: …Why Timmy?! Why?!

 

But I got to give the author props, I was expecting the kid to be held hostage so Eric would be forced to duel in a Shadow game. Not for the talking-to-strangers thing to be reversed.

 

“I’m not giving in without a fight!” screamed Eric.

“Fine, but let me introduce myself. My name is Hammer, as in the one that’s gonna nail you down so hard, you’ll never see the morning light!”

 

Daisuke: GEDDIT?! BECAUSE HAMMERS HIT NAILS, AN- Yeah, no.

 

Roxas: Just "Hammer"? No "Captain"?

 

“Bring it on.”

 

Eric was led into a rusty stadium where he was forcefully pushed into the blue side.

“You should’ve run away when you had the chance.

 

Daisuke: He never had a chance.

 

Now, you’re gonna pay with your cards!”

“Duel!” both said simultaneously.

“I’ll start things off,” Hammer said arrogantly, “I summon Iron Knuckler in attack mode! (Iron Knuckler: Level 3/EARTH/Warrior/ATK-1600 DEF-1200/Effect-When this card attacks, you can Special Summon an “Iron” monster from your hand) Next, I play the Continuous Spell-Iron Pressure! (Iron Pressure: Each time an “Iron” monster is Special Summoned, deal 800 points of damage to your opponent) I’ll leave you with a card face down and a turn end!”

 

Dio: This would be a lot better if we knew what the guy sounded like.

 

Dr. Cakey: Put all the card details in spoilers instead of parentheses, plz

 

Roxas: Better yet, don't even include them. Captain Hitari Hammer is obviously going to explain the effects anyway, so it's pointless to include them. And for the record, the effects are also written in bold, which is just stupid.

 

“My turn!” Eric said as he drew a card, “I think you’re the one who’s gonna regret this.

 

Daisuke: No one said anything about regretting.

 

I summon Moon Samurai in attack mode! (Moon Samurai: Level 4/LIGHT/Warrior/ATK-1000 DEF-1600/Effect-When this card is Normal Summoned, you can discard one card from your hand to increase its ATK by 800) I discard a card to have Moon Samurai gain 800 ATK! Moon Samurai, attack Iron Knuckler!” Moon Samurai charged at Iron Knuckler, who threw a punch that was skillfully avoided, and slashed it in half.

“Grr..,” grunted Hammer.

 

Daisuke: A “grr” isn’t really a grunt, but, meh, I’ve seen worse.

 

Dr. Cakey: I can already tell these “Moon” monsters are so terrible, I want Hammer to win already, just because Iron Knuckler and Iron Pressure are decent cards.

 

(4000/3800)

“Turn end.”

 

Daisuke: He’s leaving an 1800 ATK monster, who is now a Vanilla, without any support. Yeah, it’s going to die.

 

“My turn!” vented Hammer, “I activate the Spell card Iron Cycle! (Discard one “Iron” monster to Special Summon one from the Graveyard) Revive, Iron Knuckler!

 

Roxas: Shouldn't Iron Pressure activate right now?

 

Now, I summon Iron Gloves in attack mode! (Iron Gloves: Level 2/EARTH/Machine/ATK-0 DEF-1000/Effect: This card can only be summoned when there is a Warrior monster on your field. Once per turn, you can equip or unequip this card to a monster. The equipped monster gains 500 ATK) Iron Knuckler, attack Moon Samurai!”

 

Dio: You gotta give credit for the guy describing the cards fairly accurately. Seems to be about the only sensible thing in this story.

 

Dr. Cakey: You know he never actually equipped Gloves to Knuckler?

 

Iron Knuckler charged at Moon Samurai, who blocked with his katana, only to have it shattered, and jabbed through his chest.

 

Daisuke: His shattered katana was stabbed through his chest?

 

Roxas: I think that the shard that came off from the katana spun through the air and hit Moon Samurai. At least, that's what I think is supposed to be going on here. Either way, it's an incredibly embarrassing way to die.

 

Eric scowled. (3700/3800) “Since Iron Knuckler attacked, I Special Summon Iron Pirate in attack mode. (Iron Pirate: Level 2/EARTH/Warrior/ATK-1000 DEF-900/Effect-When this card deals damage to your opponent, gain Life Points equal to twice the damage)

 

Daisuke: If I may, it doesn’t say battle damage, so if it attacks directly, you gain 2000 life points. Just sayin.

 

Dr. Cakey: I’m going to have to break in here and point out that damage from a direct attack is also Battle Damage.

 

Now, you take 800 from Iron Pressure! (2900/3800) Iron Pirate, direct attack!”

Iron Pirate stabbed Eric in the gut and jumped back with a sack of treasure.

“Aaaah!” yelped Eric. (1900/5800)

“Turn end.”

 

“My turn!” Eric said as he gritted his teeth, “I summon Tuner monster Lunar Soul! (Lunar Soul: Level 2/LIGHT/Psychic/ATK-0 DEF-0/Effect: When this card is summoned, you can play a Trap card from your hand)

 

Daisuke: If he had a trap card in his hand, why not just set it last turn and save this effect to use for another time? Genius at dueling my ass.

 

I activate Soul Resurrection! (Special Summon a level 4 or lower Light monster from your Graveyard) Come back, Moon Samurai! The shining moon guides all to greatness. Glisten brightly in your destiny! Synchro Summon! Sparkle, Lunar Knight! (Lunar Knight: Level 6/LIGHT/Warrior/ATK-1800 DEF-1400/Effect-This card can attack until your opponent controls no monsters. This card gains 100 ATK for each monster in your Graveyard) “Ha! Are you stupid? You summon a weak Synchro monster with only 2000 ATK? What a joke!”

 

Daisuke: And that can attack until you have no monsters. And that, in a Synchro deck, can get attack pretty damn quickly.

 

Dr. Cakey: Lunar Knight + Half Shut. umad?

 

Also, why would Hammer call Lunar Knight weak if it’s the rare card he wants to steal (and obviously it is, because it’s a Synchro Monster, and this is 5D’s.)

 

laughed Hammer and the rest of the gang. “Don’t be too sure, that card I discarded earlier was the Trap card Late Offering. (If this card is in your Graveyard, you can remove it from play to send 2 monsters from your hand to your Graveyard)

 

Daisuke: (I can’t be the only one getting tired of parentheses. I’d rather the players speak out loud what the effect is, at least it keeps up with the mood.)

 

Dr. Cakey: (Wow, Late Offering is terribad. Why not just use something like Hand Destruction?)

 

And I just so happen to have 2 monsters. Now it has a total ATK of 2200! Lunar Knight, attack Iron Knuckler, Shining Lance! (1900/5700)”

“My Iron Gloves protect it from being destroyed!”

“Too bad, because my knight can attack until you have nothing left!

 

Daisuke: As the parentheses said. Why must we be subject to them in the first place when the players have great opportunities to tell us the effects as they use them against their opponent? Is it just because it’s easier to copy/paste the effects onto the Word document than working it into dialogue?

 

Attack Iron Knuckler again! Shining Lance! (1900/5100) Now go for Iron Pirate! (1900/3900) I set 1 card face down! Turn end!”

 

Daisuke: Shame, they were destroyed so quickly, we didn’t even get to see a glimpse of them go down. Good thing the guy still has one 1 card face down.

 

“You’ll pay for that!” threatened Hammer, “My turn! I activate the Trap card Monster Drainer! (Draw 2 cards for each monster you discard) I discard 1 monster! Heh! You’re in for it now! I play the Spell card Magical Calling! (Pay 1000 Life Points to Special Summon a Level 4 or lower monster from your deck) I summon Iron Twins! (Iron Twins: Level 4/EARTH/Warrior/ATK-1800 DEF-600/ Effect: You can tribute this card to Special Summon 2 Iron Twin Tokens: Level 2/ EARTH/Warrior/ATK-900 DEF-300) You take 800 from Iron Pressure!”

“I activate Damage Reverse! (All effect damage you would take this turn is dealt to your opponent instead)” (1900/3100)

 

“No matter! I sacrifice Iron Twins to summon 2 Iron Twin Tokens! (1900/1500) I then sacrifice the tokens to tribute summon Iron Hammerer! (Iron Hammerer: Level 7/EARTH/Warrior/ATK-3000 DEF-2800/Effect-When this card attacks, your opponent cannot activate any Trap cards. If this card attacks a defense position monster, deal piercing damage) Iron Hammerer, attack Lunar Knight! Colossal Slam!”

 

Dio: This is something we haven't seen before-something that genuinely reads like something from Yu-Gi-Oh. THE WORLD'S GONE MAD!

 

Dr. Cakey: Yeah, but his math’s off. Hammer had 3900 Life Points, then he played Magical Calling, so he paid 1000 more. Then he took 800 damage from Damage Reverse from Damage Reverse, so he has 2100, not 3100. Then of course he takes another 800 when he summons the Iron Twin Tokens, so he’d be at 1300.

 

Iron Hammerer lifted its humongous hammer and crushed Lunar Knight. (1100/1500)

“Turn end. Heheheh!”

 

Dr. Cakey: You can see here the math errors have been compounded. Here, he didn’t pay the 1000 for Magical Calling, as before, but he also took 800 damage for each Iron Twin Token, even though their summon was simultaneous and he’d only take the damage once.

 

“My turn!” shouted Eric, still beaming with confidence, “I will defeat you. And your demise all starts with this one card.

 

Daisuke: His demise? Wasn’t this a normal card game, not a Shadow game?

 

Roxas: Not to mention it's the protagonist who's saying this, not that it makes much of a difference at this point.

 

I activate the Quick Spell Time Revolution. (Special Summon up to 3 monsters from your Graveyard. This turn, you cannot summon any more monsters or attack) Return, Moon Samurai, Moonlight Boxer, and Flash Gunner Luna! (Flash Gunner Luna: Level 3/LIGHT/Spellcaster/ATK-1300 DEF-200/ Effect: You can tribute 1 monster to deal 500 points of damage to your opponent) Do the math!

 

Dio: Do I HAVE to?

 

I tribute my 3 monsters to deal you a grand total of 1500 points of damage!”

 

Dio: Aparrently not, since he did it himself. THANKS, WRITER!

 

“What!? Impossible!” screeched Hammer in shock.

 

Daisuke: No it’s not, silly Mr.Hammer.

 

“Dueling takes more than just rare cards,” lectured Eric, “You need to be in sync with them. Know their hearts as they know yours. Finish him.”

 

Daisuke: The sociopath is now trying to give us a lecture on the heart of the cards. Wonderful.

 

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (1100/0)

 

Daisuke: I preferred when duelists didn’t scream like they were dying after losing.

 

Dr. Cakey: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BigNo

 

That’s all I got.

 

The field cleared as the whole gang gazed at their leader, lost in the pain of defeat. Eric started to leave when suddenly, a man punched him. He landed on the floor, blood rolling down the side of his mouth. He stared at them angrily. This was the notorious Dark Chasers group after all. They would never take defeat lightly…(to be continued)

 

Dr. Cakey: I’m trying to think of an evil in the Yu-Gi-Oh world great enough that it wouldn’t immediately surrender because it lost a duel. I can’t think of one. That’s how evil these guys are. Which reminds me…

 

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EvenEvilHasStandards

 

Daisuke: And we’re finally done. I must say, this wasn’t bad, but it reads too much like a novice work. Granted, this was the author’s first fic, but I really cannot comprehend how he could read through this and find it captivating. I do congratulate him, as he seems to have used spellcheck, but he might have missed a few things while proofreading, if he did in fact proofread. He still needs more experience before tackling any real big fic, which I think this tries to be. I myself might read more if there was more show and less tell, and if it wasn’t a dueling fic. Those are always boring, I don’t care how agonizing the bad guy’s scream is when he loses.

 

Dio: It's meh.

 

Roxas: I might revisit this because the plot is at least somewhat interesting, but I don't see this turning into something spectacular unless the writing improves.

 

Dr. Cakey: I told you he’d win.

 

 

Edited May 14, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[DL]

Read Up to 11.

 

 

The story....was painful.

 

 

How did you sit through that?

 

 

Your comments are spot-on tho, I was like "lololol" the whole way through.

[Phantom Roxas]

How did you sit through that?

PASSION.

 

The next review won't be out for a while, as it will be called Friday the 13th, so I intend to release it on that day.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Nexev]

Friday the 13 isn't till January.

[Phantom Roxas]

Then I missed my intended deadline, so I'll have to come up with a different title.

 

[spoiler=The 13th Struggle - {The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods}]Well, that collaboration was fun. It was at least a nice break after Cold Shrill.

 

Roxas! You should have told us you were doing a collaboration. We would have helped.

 

I appreciate the thought, but I thought it was something I could handle without you two. In fact, I'm in the mood for doing another review all by mysel-

 

CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT STAR... ROXAS!

 

DUH-DUH-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH

 

....What.

 

It is I the almighty Pinkie Pie! Do not turn off your windows! I am in control now. For with my super pony powers I have hacked into the internet!

 

And I come bearing a challenge.

 

A challenge? Of what kind?

 

Do you remember Percy jackson? What if I could show you a fic so well crafted it will prove once and for all how insipidly EVIL AND SATANY IT IS?

 

You mean satanic? Well, I suppose a Percy Jackson fanfic sounds rather interesting.

 

Good because I don't really have any like that. I do have one so bad that it may give you a PREACHIST ANEURYSM For behold I bring you... PRAYER WARRIORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

BSHAAWWW

 

...That was the lightning.

 

No, Roxas, don't!

 

It's okay. You and Blake can go. This is between me and Nex- Pinkie Pie.

 

Awwww heroics will get you nowhere Roxas. Because I have Voltaire music playing at EXCEPTIONALLY HIGH VOLUMES

 

I hear no mu- OH GOD IT'S WAY TOO LOUD TURN THAT DOWN!

 

BWAHAHAHA!

 

Listen, I review fanfics on YCM, not Fanfiction.net. Although, I guess I'll just have to deal with it if it will get you to leave. In that case, I suppose we might as well open with Chapter 1, which is called… Chapter 1. Oh lovely.

 

I think it's profound.

 

Believer in Christ: Hello Jesus!

Jesus: Hello my son.

Believer in Christ: Am I saved by writing this story.

Jesus: Yes my son.

...OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Believer in Christ: Good. Now should I go hunt down those Satanists.

Jesus: Yes my son.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Bible, God does. I will not feel sorry for using Percy Jackson as it is evil and should not have a disclaimer.

 

Being Together The Army

 

Note: Underlines indicated bolded only in the original version, while bold indicates italicized in the original version.

 

The more you know!

 

In any case, that disclaimer sets up what we're in for. Honestly, I really hope the main character isn't as overly religious as this disclaimer.

 

Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. -Proverbs 16:18

 

Really? A random Bible quote? This better not be too much of a problem.

 

It is :3

 

…

 

I am Jerry and I am a prayer warrior. I am a servent of the lord and will do anything to get rid of evil Gods.

 

This is where the author makes his first mistake. Get used to these. Anyway by saying he is getting rid of evil gods he is acknowledging their status as gods, even if evil ones. However by acknowlededing godhood he is denying his Lords status as the single god in this universe. Which is probbaly breaking the False Idols commandment. Way to express your faith.

 

Lately the Satanic leader Percy Jackson has taken over much of the land, along with his Satanic Army and his girlfriend whore. She has sex with other people just to get Satanic money.

 

As opposed to normal money. No clearly this girl's dough burns with the flames of all your sins as the satanic money it is.

 

Still probably looks less ridiculous than our new bills.

 

Percy as a Satanic leader? Annabeth as a prostitute? Honestly, I can't tell if the author even read the Percy Jackson books or if he just knows the names and is throwing them around to bash Greek mythology and praise Christianity.

 

He mentions Ethan Nakama later so maybe. Or he checked a wiki?

 

Considering how I'm only on The Battle of the Labyrinth, I can't argue with that, but my point stands.

 

That means that I have to get an army together of Christians, so that we can defeat the servents of Satan, and defeat his evil puppets, the false greek gods, who are in fact a lie created by Satan to poison people`s mind.

 

The gods are cake?

 

Wait, doesn't The Red Pyramid hint that Egyptian and Greek mythology coexist within the world The Kane Chronicles and the Camp-Half Blood books?

 

I believe so.

 

Then why is this only focusing on the Greek mythology?

 

Isn't it obvious? While the greek gods are false gods and evil. The egyptian gods aren't. I bet Osiris and Jesus play pool together.

 

Perhaps it would just be best deciding that the author is a moron who didn't read The Kane Chronicles and is just a terrible writer.

 

...Nah.

 

Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise. – Deuteronomy 12:30

 

"Hello my fellow Christian"

 

Who introduces people like that nowadays? I don't think I go up to my friends and are like "Hello my fellow human." I bet that is insulting somehow.

 

I told Mary, who is named after Jesus`s Mother. I and her are not dating, if you Satanic scum think that there is something Satanic going on. We are dating,

 

See they are dating but they are NOT dating. The unicorn is not only invisible, it's pink!

 

Schrödinger's relationship status?

 

but we are not having Sex until we get married. But because we are 15, it means that it is going to be while before we do such a thing.

 

As always, apparently writing "fifteen" is a labor. Why is everyone so lazy to write out numbers yet apparently can still churn it terrible fanfics with ease?

 

Also let's not forget you decided to not bang until you're like twenty, it's not like you're too busy on your weekends to date and not date to spell out numbers. Disgruntled Emoticon.

 

"Yes Jerry, how are you. Have you been doing the lord`s biddings?" she asked me.

 

"No. What's it to ya?" Honestly, what do you expect people to say when you ask them that?

 

It makes me wonder how they even met. I'm sorry, are these supposed to be the protagonists? They sound an awful lot like two subordinates of an evil organization plotting the downfall of their opponents than actual heroes.

 

Prepare for trouble

Make it double

To protect the world with salvation

To destroy all other people within our nation

To denounce the evils of books and fun

To scream and preach to the stars above

Mary

Jerry

Team Jesus blast off at the speed of light

Surrender now or prepare for a smite!

Jesus that's christ!

 

Now give me the damn hellspawn of an electric mouse.

 

I nodded my head and then she took out the bible and we read the first Chapter of Genesis, which is about the the creation of the world.

 

Because everyone does that now and then!

 

I do it with My Little Pony sometimes. We just chat and then I whip out the first episode. We talk about how God was so good that he was kind to create a great world as we live in. Which is so awesome, what with all the evil false gods that are in it.

 

He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. -Proverbs 18:13

 

Then we discuss about how Satan had poisoned the world by inventing false gods such as Zeus and Venus, who were sex gods, which is against the Ten commandments.

 

Okay, seriously, you don't even know the basics of Greek mythology. Yes, by all accounts, Zeus was a serial rapist, but he was most definitely not a "sex god". Furthermore, Venus is the Roman name for Aphrodite, who was Zeus's daughter, so I don't know why you're mentioning her. She's the goddess of love, and that doesn't necessarily mean just sex. Not to mention that Zeus was sired by Kronos, who is in fact the Big Bad of the Percy Jackson series. Unless you can somehow explain that Satan and Kronos are in fact the same entity, this is just stupid exposition.

 

Kronos and Percy are arch enemies though so clearly Kronos is Jesus.

 

"I need an Army to defeat the evil leader Percy Jackson" I asked her.

 

He didn't ask anything. He proclaimed to her that he was planning to raise a needlessly-capitalized army to defeat Percy. In fact, it occurs to me that the setting wasn't established yet. Who's to say that no one just heard him say that?

 

The hotdog guy dropped his bun in suprise, Percy sighed because he was annoyed at the demise of his delicous hotdog but then turned around to see what the guy was staring at. "Did that jabroni just say he was going to raise an army to kill me?"

 

I wanted an army so that I could defeat this Satanist and his ungodly army.

 

Unless The Last Olympian showed otherwise, which I doubt, Jerry should be aiming to defeat Zeus himself, as he is the highest authority on Olympus. Some devoted follower you are if you're not going straight for the source.

 

I think he does in later episodes. But he would need a bright red tatoo all around his shirtless body if he wants to kill gods.

 

This is America which is a Christian nation, so Satanist, athesit, hindu, muslims, buddhist, and any other non-god fearing people, who worshiped false gods, should not be allowed in this God fearing Nation. We must get rid of them, and make them slaves, if they agree to being a fellow Christian.

 

JUST LIKE THE BLACK PEOPLE!

 

"The Lord shall gladly accept everyone serving as slaves to us in his name!" Honestly, does anyone actually believe that God is really that sadistic? In fact, how is it that, as Christians, they don't question the morality of their actions? If anything, that would make for a far more interesting story.

 

Once they truly believe in God and his son, Jesus, then would we release them to bring glory to God and his son. If they still did not believe, we would burn then, just as their fellow Satanist did when they refused to worship our lord Jesus Christ.

 

Isn't it weird that the hero's beliefs are like an extreme Judge Frollo?

 

Our protagonists, ladies and gentlemen!

 

"I want to bring Glory to God"

 

No you don't, you want to bring Glory to yourself and are using God as your excuse. But it's okay. If you weren't such a arrogant prick we would have nothing to review. Then I would be sadface.

 

Their bows also shall dash the young men to pieces; and they shall have no pity on the fruit of the womb; their eyes shall not spare children.-Isaiah 13:18

 

"Then I will show you my Christian friends. You will not find a ungodly one among them. There are as clean as you can get them"

 

I have to wonder. What types of Christian are these? Jerry doesn't seem the type to accept other sects.

 

It's not his fault. He's not to blame. It is the Poseidon boy, the demigod who set that flame.

 

she told me. She had a her hair tied back so that it would not get in her and not look like a Satanic whore. She also made sure that her skirt did not show any of her legs, or else it would be a sin for a man such as myself to look at it.

 

Just because a man would look at her lustfully doesn't mean it's just his fault. It would also be her fault for dressing so shamelessly. Besides, if she's wearing a skirt, plenty of her legs are showing to begin with.

 

The fact that you are trying to go to war with a skirt that goes below your knees is so impractical that it's not only a dress, but one that will get you killed.

 

Way to be a good boyfriend Jerrybean.

 

And that was when I got message that a follower of the Satanic leader Percy Jackson. He was there to force people in believing in false gods that made their followers get naked and perform Satanic killings.

 

I remenber those! Those were fun. Or they were if they were actually in the book.

 

Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness. -Leviticus 18:19

 

But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die. -Deuteronomy 18:20

 

So I went down stair to face the false prophet. He was a believer in false nature gods, such as Pan, who is Satan in disguise. He had big Satanic horns, so that everyone that was Christian could tell that he was a Satanist.

 

It might be that I am Jewish but I have no idea what the funk he is talking about. Satan is obviously a panist.

 

No, Satan is clearly a Capricorn.

 

"Believe in my god Pan" said the Satyr. "I am Grover and I am servent of Pan and Satan, who are great gods. They are better then God and Jesus"

 

Jerry has done a great thing here. Terrible but great. He has managed to make his interpretations of Grover even more offensive then the movie.

 

Congragulations you win the SADPONY AWARD

 

More offensive than Brandon T. Jackson? That's… that's pretty sad.

 

He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed. -Exodus 22:20

 

So to defeat this Satanic scum, me, Mary and one of her Christian friends that was there, her name was Ruth, prayed to God and our lord Jesus Christ, to bring down this false prophet.

 

Like God will go out of his limb to punish people that he assigned YOU to punish...

 

And behold, a group of locus came from the heavens and ate Grover alive.

 

Well... dayum.

 

No part of his body, other then his guts and his brains, was left. No even his bones remained.

 

Yes Locus only eat the unedibal parts of the satyr body. Not even the delicous heart? This is bug abuse.

 

And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come up upon the land of Egypt, and eat every herb of the land, even all that the hail hath left. -Exodus 10:12

 

So you misspelled "locust" even when you have it mentioned right in the next unnecessary Bible quote? There have been plenty of grammar mistakes through this mess, but this stands out to me.

 

So we brought glory to God.

 

Actually God brought Glory to God since he sent the plauge. But you did... stand around and watched? Points to you for usefulness?

 

Actually, he's just claiming responsibility for God's actions. Such a faithful man of God!

 

We killed a sheep so that we can say thanks to God.

 

Yes lets honor our destruction of our evil foes who sacrifice animals by... sacrificing animals? Yay?

 

Last time I checked, goats ≠ sheep.

 

Then we went back church and prayed some more. We read the Bible and how Paul convert many people to God.

 

I have to say his grammar is very squirrelking. Isn't it converted? What's with the yoda?

 

Then Mary`s friends came and we made them members of the Order of the Prayer Warriors.

 

Exactly how many friends showed up?

 

And given how we don't even get a name it's safe to assume that they don't matter at all.

 

Isn't it great how diverse this cast is? We have Generic crusader, generic crusader, generic hellspawn, and nameless extras.

 

Don't forget that our unseen supposed-antagonist is, at least to fans of the series that are familiar with the character, far more sympathetic than the supposed heroes of this story.

 

Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished. -Isaiah 13:16

 

Isn't it great how they used a bible quote about raping his enemies? Clearly the girls are cool to bang even if his girlfriend is ugly as sheet.

 

And that brings us to the end of this atrocity of a fanfic. How does the author end this, you may ask?

 

Believers in Christ: Thank you for read this and I hope you have turn to the glory of God and his eternal son Jesus Christ, the greatest thing to ever happen to this earth. May all that read this be save.

 

Now saving don't turn off the fanfic....

Pinkie Pie saved the game!

 

Thank you Jerry.

 

Jesus: You done me well son.

Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord for giving me live and allow me to write this. Amen.

 

Now please if you give me a life...

 

Amen to finally being done with this. It had bad grammar at some points, constantly used Bible quotes when it is completely unnecessary, not to mention it portrays followers of God as racist fanatics who seek the genocide of heroes. Granted, you could argue that it would be interesting to see how their morals could serve as a driving factor, but with such unlikable main characters, there is absolutely no reason to read any more of this other than to see how this stupid trollfic ends.

 

And to see if it can get any stupider.

 

And it does.

 

And now that that's done and over with, I have just one thing to say. Pinkie, get the hell out of my office.

 

...Sadfaec.

 

Edited May 31, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[SirtyStan]

Whoah... That is ONE ____ed up fan fic... I would rather read my original one a hundred times than see that again... -reads again- GAH! -peels out eyes- I am a Cristian, but I'm not an extremist. Something tells me that the al-Qaeda are gonna have rivals in destroying the Earth.

[Dr. Cakey]

Now, I'm no expert, but I'm fairly certain this is a trollfic -

 

*Watches Thunderf00t's debate with members of Westboro Baptist Church*

 

- I retract my previous statement.

[Nexev]

Oh yeah i remenber this fanfic.

 

look closley cause even fanfiction net shut this one down.

 

this may be the last of it's kind.

[Phantom Roxas]

[spoiler=My Birthday Is July 14th - {The Tale of Gagagigo}]Phantom Roxas has left his office. Perfect. Now, let's see... Ah yes, "Like No Ever Was". That should prove useful.

 

 

So this is Gameville. To think PikMan actually changed this world's name to "Mediaville". I must give him credit for heeding Phantom Roxas's words.

 

Hey there!

 

Jacob. Right on schedule.

 

I don't think I've seen you before. What's your name? I'm-

 

A pleasure, Jacob.

 

Huh? How do you know my name?

 

I have my sources. I am called Votek, and I have come hear with a job for you.

 

Sure, what is it?

 

Nothing too major. You see, I require the assistance of one with your... qualifications.

 

Not sure what that means, but okay. What's the mission?

 

You will assist me in reading this.

 

"The Tale of Gagagigo"? Oh, man, I love that card!

 

Indeed, and you are not the only one. I trust that you are familiar with "Mystery Science Theater 3000"?

 

You bet! Oh, I get it, we're going to do that, but for this Ed00001 guy's fanfic?

 

Precisely.

 

Count me in! But can you make it fast? The World Laser Tag Grand Tournament prelims are in a couple hours, and I don't want to miss it. By the way, isn't that black cloak you're in a bit hot?

 

Let us begin with "Chapter One-Birth of a Hero".

 

Wait, aren't you supposed to put a space before and after the hyphen there?

 

.

 

This is but a period, but already there is a problem. As it follows the spoiler tag, the author clearly made the mistake and intended to have this be a part of the chapter title. It would appear that he is unaware that chapter titles do not use periods. This would also imply that he has never read a book.

 

The stories of heroes tell tales of warriors, men who serve a great king in his army if knights.

 

Don't you mean "of knights"?

 

The author makes numerous grammatical errors. Picking apart every single one would only keep you here longer than necessary. For the sake of convenience, I'll underline the errors that are otherwise minor.

 

They display young men who rise above their all others,

 

"Display"? Last I heard, stories were a narrative medium, not a museum.

 

but this story; this story is not of a man, but a creature born of the wild.

 

Was this prologue really all that necessary? You're just saying we're going to read about a wild animal, and everything you just told us is stuff we can figure out while we read this.

 

Deep in the shadowy forests, in the land of Polarus, resided a small group of creatures, cold-blooded, bipedal reptiles. These were the last of their kind. Insects crawled on the branches of trees, birds twittered by.

 

An impressive start to describing the scenery, although the "birds twittered by" part is awkward. Perhaps adding an "as" before it would be more acceptable, to prevent a run-on sentence.

 

The reptillian creatures huddled near the edge of dark, quiet pond. Three eggs were nestled snuggly between the plants and rocks. The parents of the eggs were defending them and keeping them warm. As the pond creatures swam and the forest critters scuttled, a rumbling was heard. The sound crept closer, and the calm pond water began to ripple. Four starred ladybugs scattered, and foxfires nimbly dashed out of view, and the humanoid reptiles stood up in fear.

 

Four-starred ladybugs and fox fires foxfires? These are some nice references to the actual cards! However, since this story is about Gagagigo, inevitably he's going to meet the smexy Eria, and her fellow Charmer Hiita has her own Fox Fire, so I'm curious if one of them will survive or if Hiita has already met her partner.

 

..."Smexy"?

 

Trees began falling down, and shouting was heard. Hundreds of men razed everything in sight, all in order to kill the almost extinct race of bipedal reptiles. The emperor had been hunting the creatures for years. They were mistaken as evil, but were really only scared.

 

Naturally, we won't learn why this emperor mistook them for evil creatures.

 

They stayed, confident and strong. Warriors stepped out of the shadows, armed to the teeth with swords, daggers, and crossbows. A man stepped forward to identify himself. "I am Commander Freed the brave, if you do not give yourself up to the king, your death will be slower and more painful than it has to be!" he shouted. The reptiles did not waver, but hissed and stood ready for battle. Freed took this as a challenge, and growled in anger. "So be it!" he said, "Field commander Rahz, prepare the troops for battle."

 

Freed? Rahz? I got to say, you're really good at throwing all these cards in here!

 

"Yes sir" replied Rahz, striding into the group. The lizards were the first to strike. Swift and strong, they dashed towards the front group. The three were huddled together in an impenetrable formation. The front line held stedy, their silver shields blocking every terrifying strike. The rest of the warriors attacked. Surging forward like a wave, each one was to taste the fury of the reptilians.

 

Those last two sentences could have easily been edited to make one single sentence. Perhaps it would have made the warriors genocide attempt appear more glorious.

 

The reptilians made a screetch comparable to that of a banshee. Some of the warriors were distracted and were taken down with ease, most others continued the fight.

 

"Most others continued the fight?" I dunno, something about that just seems off to me.

 

The screetch was not meant to be a battle tactic, but distraction, and a signal.

 

The screech ruse was a... DISTACTION.

 

Little did the army men notice, but the ground was being covered with four starred ladybugs. The reptilians backed off, knowing of the disaster about to ensue. The ladybugs swarmed all around, flying towards the warriors, buzzing loudly and ramming into them.

 

A solider attack, a deadly ladybug assault... Ladybugs. My god.

 

They began hacking and slashing at the ladybugs in hopes to kill some. One foot-soldier stabbed a ladybug.

 

The exact size of the four-starred ladybugs is unclear, but the Virtual World arc implies that it is human-sized, which would be the only reason it would make sense for a foot soldier to stab one.

 

The insect exploded in a burst of liquid goop. The substance covered the soldier. "Gyaaahhh!!!!" he screamed in pain, his flesh being wren away by the slime. All over, Freed's men were being reduced to pieces by the four starred ladybugs. Freed used his enchanted shield to guard from the slime, but fell back saying "We need weapons from the supply cart!" A soldier ran towards him, panting "Our supplies were stolen by a goblin thief!" before being splattered on the face by a dying ladybug.

 

Oh my. There is just so much wrong with this paragraph, especially that last sentence. This has quite a few grammatical errors, which I have taken the liberty of amending. It is the very least I could do. However, why would the soldiers only wait until now to inform their leader that their supplies were stolen? Is Goblin of Greed so stealthy that he just happened to steal them just now, or did no one wish to inform Freed that the weapons they would need for this mission had been stolen earlier, and he just never noticed this? Really, this is just a lazy way to write the soldiers into a corner.

 

In the field of battle Freed's men were being slaughtered by the exploding insects.

 

Wait, a minute, 4-Starred Ladybug of Doom destroys all Level 4 monsters. Shouldn't Freed and Rahz be killed by this?

 

Clearly Ed00001 is ignoring the effect and/or keeping them alive for the sake of plot convenience.

 

One of his men was able to kill a reptilian creature before falling down dead. The reptilians body fell back, sword sticking out of it's chest with it's black blood gushing, and landed next to the nest.

 

Allow me to read this sentence to address how you remarkably failed to use apostrophes properly. "The reptilians body fell back, sword sticking out of it is chest with it is black blood gushing, and landed next to the nest." "It's" is a contraction of "it is", while you were clearly supposed to write "its", which is possessive. Furthermore, by writing "reptilian's" without an apostrophe, that would refer to more than one reptile, and thus an apostrophe should have been included there instead of within "its".

 

Um, Grammar Nazi much?

 

A necessity, I can assure you.

 

Before it drew it's final breath, the reptilian knocked aside one of the eggs, sending it floating away in the water. Reinforcements of the army arrived and the Emperors army was victorious.

 

How cute, another nod to a card. However, this only continues your problem with apostrophes.

 

Under the cover of the deep, dark water, the egg floated downstream away from the battle. The last of the reptilian creatures was excaping it's death as nothing but an egg.

 

"Excaping"? Wow, that's just... um...

 

Who is the Grammar Nazi now?

 

The water twisted and turned, finally flowing into a large lake. Sea creatures swam about, churning the waters which thrashed the small organic container about. A seven coloured fish knocked it aside as wave brought the egg onto the sandy shore where it finally rested.

 

Well, that's kind of a weird way to end the chapter, but it's a nice ending nonetheless.

 

If only that were true.

 

What?

 

Unlike the egg, a petit girl with blue hair lived in a peaceful area next to the shore.

 

Eria!

 

This sequence is so unnecessary. Whoever thought that changing the scene to a random kid after an epic conflict has just transpired is a moron.

 

It was a small, simple town with very few people. So much so that everyone in the town was related.

 

"Everyone in the town was related"? Must I address the implications of that?

 

I need some soap to wash my brain.

 

Everyone lived in small wooden houses which were usually only one floor. The girl who was but a child ran towards the shoreline after seeing what she thought was a small rock wash up.

 

Really, a small rock washed on shore, and that is what prompted Eria to go to the shore? Of course, she may have been intrigued by the fact that it looks like an egg, because it is, but as she was a child, I cannot fathom her being able to see it from far away.

 

She stumbled across the soft sand, finally reaching the egg. She stared at it inquisitively with her shiny blue eyes. She reached towards it to touch a small crack that was on the surface. Just as she touched it the crack got bigger. The crack began to spread quickly, creating more cracks until finally it stopped. The side of the egg burst open revealing a small, clawed hand. A head poked out, and the small creature crawled out. It was a lizard-like creature, with red eyes and small teeth. It's jaw was large and it's tail was small, and it had dull claws and spikes on it's knees and shoulders.

 

It had just hatched, and the egg was small, and yet the reptile does not sound newborn. Then again, I couldn't care less about what animals look like once they are born.

 

Wait, is this supposed to be Gigobyte, or a form even smaller than that? I have to say, the latter is a bit hard to imagine.

 

The girl was suprized at the reptile, and smiled with glee. "You're so cute!" She exclaimed picking it up, "I think I'll name you Gigobyte!"

 

"Gigobyte"? The girl clearly spent no time thinking of the name, and yet that is what she comes up with? I won't even get started on her finding a newborn reptile adorable, because that is apparently to be expected in stories such as these.

 

Hey, don't be so harsh on her!

 

Your fetishes are not my concern, lest you wish me to address to love for robots with a female form.

 

Wait, what?

 

In any case, this was a passable story. There were a few faults in logic over the course of this, and countless grammatical errors plagued it.

 

Still, he did a nice job of weaving a story with the cards, and that counts for something.

 

I suppose. Those who are a fan of Gagagigo's story should give this a try, but those that expect a story that can stand on its own might be disappointed.

 

I know I'm going to read this again!

 

Jacob, thank you for your assistance.

 

Glad I could help, uh, Votek, wasn't it? Anyway, it was- oh shoot, I gotta hurry! Sorry, I have to go. I guess I'll see you later.

 

Indeed you shall, Jacob.

Edited August 25, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Phantom Roxas]

I missed getting comments. Those were great times.

 

[spoiler=15 Minutes of Fame - {Yu-Gi-Oh Strike of the Heavens}]Excellent. This should be the realm where Daniel hails from. And here comes the boy now. Right on schedule. Excuse me, Daniel!

 

Oh, hello. Do I know you?

 

No, but I have heard of you. Allow me to introduce myself. I am called Votek. Tell me, would you be interested in reading a fan fiction with me?

 

That's... kind of weird, but sure. What is it?

 

Take a seat. I shall show you.

 

Wait, where are we?

 

An office. I thought that it would be proper to bring my guests here.

 

Whoa, you did this?

 

Yes. Magic is real, you see, as are Duel Spirits. Your dear friend Jen knows of them, does she not?

 

Um... how do you know that?

 

I have my sources. Rest assured, I have no intention of harming you. As I said, I require your assistance in reading a fan fiction.

 

But why me?

 

Hm, you're smarter than I expected. That itself is to be expected, I suppose.

 

Um, thanks? So, what are we reading?

 

"Yu-Gi-Oh Strike of the Heavens" by Devil's Advocate.

 

Should't there be an exclamation and maybe a colon in there?

 

Precisely.

 

Most of you know me as Devil's Advocate, and I'm notorious around the RC section, but I've decided to turn my interests to writing fan-fics.

 

I presume you are unaware of what "notorious" actually means, otherwise you wouldn't brag about that. Knowing these things is crucial to writing fan fiction.

 

Just a little bit about myself:

 

--- I've been writing stories my entire life, but they usually don't get novelized.

 

Were you expecting them to be novelized? I'm pretty sure only people like Christopher Paolini manage this, and that guy's a cheater.

 

--- This is my first attempt at a Fan-Fic.

 

I thought you said you've been writing stories all your life?

 

That does not necessarily mean he is experienced in fan fiction, for better or for worse.

 

--- My interests in books are usually non-fiction (like Dickens, i.e.)

 

--- I write with lots of allusions (references to another place, idea, or person that is symbolic in some way).

 

You felt it necessary to define "allusion"? Interestingly, you had no grasp of the meaning of "notorious", but felt the need to insult your audience's intelligence. A shame, because a quick glance of this fanfic gave me the impression that this was well-written. I suspect that this shall not be the case in the end.

 

I'm only up through Chapter 10 so far, but the chapters are A LOT longer than what most people are accustomed to, so I might break the chapter up into two parts, if necessary (some chapters are about 10 pages long, so I'll break it up into two, maybe three seperate sections).

 

Uh, ten pages? That's way too long!

 

Never cut them into separate sections. Of course, if you wish to take these sections and officially declare them as chapters, then that would be acceptable, but Chapter 1 Part A is just ridiculous.

 

Now for the plot!

 

Yugioh, Strike of the Heavens revolves around the cards that I made in the delightful RC forum (a link here: http://forum.yugiohc...of-the-heavens/) and that I've also incorporated into my story. NOTE: Some of the effects presented in the story may not be along the same lines as the ones that are posted in the forum. The story takes place nine years after the events of 5D's. The first few chapters introduce the first of few characters, like Ayame, a schoolgirl in New Domino Academy forges her talents as a Duelist (like the Yusei Fudo of today), Michiko, Ayame's "wingman" in essence, Kimiko, a dark duelist who uses wicked powers to destroy and hurt other people (sort of the Akiza Izinski of today), and Ressen, who is the superstar "Jack Atlas" of today. A full character biography will probably be posted within the following weeks. Soon, all four of these characters will play a role that threatens their very existence, as a legendary prophecy tells of three "Hero" cards that can control the fate of both Heaven and Hell.

 

I'm going to refrain from complaining about the dub names, but this is kind of lazy. All your main characters are based on the main characters from 5D's. And Hero cards? This isn't GX.

 

Perhaps are more appropriate title would have "Yu-Gi-Oh! 3Hs". Actually, disregard that. Humans have such ridiculous naming conventions.

 

Wait, "humans"? Are you a Duel Spirit?

 

I will reveal all in due time, Daniel, but first we must read this story. Let us begin with Chapter 1. Clearly Devil's Advocate did not desire to come up with a title, but countless stories have done this, so it does not detract from this fan fiction in the slightest.

 

CHAPTER 1 – The Duelist with Speed

 

My mistake. You simply chose to remind us that this is in fact the first chapter and thus wrote that entirely in capitals with a clichéd title. I find it no different than "The Adventure Begins".

 

It was the first time in a long time that someone had stepped up to the plate. It was the first time that someone had actually tried challenging the master of dueling.

 

It was simply the first time that someone actually tried to challenge this awesome duelist, but only the first time in a long time that someone stepped up to the plate. I guess you're trying to be clever here, like that "It was the best of times" quote, but this is just awkward.

 

Moreover, it would all end up the same way: their Duel Runners crashed and banged up, with pieces scattered all over the track. Gone from his absence for a long time, the current champion of New Domino City ran the swiftest, fiercest Deck out there. It was no wonder some called him the next “Rising Star”.

 

If he's the champion, why are people only calling him a "Rising Star"? Doesn't a champion already have plenty of fame?

 

His duels were broadcast all over television; in fact, almost every major news network in the world had to cover the story of the great Duelist of our time. He had seen victory flashing before his eyes, and he would take on any foe that stood in his way. There was only one thing that mattered to him, and it was the thrill of the Duel. Being able to ride along with the wind while seeing the most fearsome beasts in the Duel Monsters universe is all he ever cared for.

 

Wow. I like this guy's passion.

 

How lovely, apparently passion is contagious. Yu-Gi-Oh! characters have such a ridiculous fetish for dueling.

 

Tonight, someone else was stepping up to the plate.

 

As was already said. If were a more gullible reader, I could perhaps confuse this for a baseball story.

 

This pathetic, sad excuse for a Duelist thinks he can outrun and out-power the world’s greatest Duelist? There was a slim chance of that ever happening. He would crush this pathetic Duelist into the dirt, and then move on to the next Duel, and repeat the cycle.

 

The narrator is not very nice.

 

It is merely a method of informing us of how powerful this champion - Ressen, since the plot chapter suggests as such - is.

 

In the garage, he began tuning his Duel Runner. His prized possession, the machine-love of his life, was this Duel Runner that he custom built in the Satellite. It was tough back in the Satellite, so he needed every possible card in order to keep himself alive, both in the real world and in the world of Duel Monsters.

 

As I said, this is a fetish. How sickening.

 

He tightened the chassis; he oiled up the engine; he took his runner to the dyno. He cared about his Duel Runner almost as much as he cared about the thrill of the Duel. The two ideals were in harmony.

 

Well, this guy clearly only duels in Riding Duels, so they have to be in harmony, since he can't enjoy the thrill of the duel with a D-Wheel. No, I don't care if you're using the dub name. I'm going with what I know it to be.

 

It was almost time. He started pushing his Duel Runner out of the garage.

 

She looked over at her clock in the corner of her room.

 

The paragraph break is no mistake of mine or Daniel's here. Indeed, the very next paragraph is a sudden change in scenery. Perhaps another line would be better to indicate a transition? This is certainly a nitpick, but one I feel is necessary.

 

It said 21:29, but she simply just chuckled to herself. She was accustomed to staying up this late. After all, it wasn’t every day that you get to see the world’s greatest duelist on television. This was to be a special night, in which everyone will remember. She grabbed her cup of coffee that sat in the corner of her desk. Her cards were neatly organized into piles of Monsters, Spells, Traps, and Synchro Monsters. She looked at her ace card. It was a rare copy of “XX-Saber Gottoms”. She had won this card back when she lived in the Satellite, and she had kept it ever since. It was a perfect fit to her Deck.

 

 

She was recognized at New Domino Duel Academy as being the greatest Duelist of her class. She received A+ Status every time, and her Deck was compiled of the most powerful and greatest combination of Monsters, Spells, Traps, and Synchro Monsters that guaranteed her victory every time.

 

She runs X-Sabers. I honestly think that some of the people at the Duel Academy would have come up with a better deck to beat that.

 

And yet Elemental Heroes are apparently a godly deck within GX, but I'd rather not discuss Duel Academy stories more than necessary.

 

“Hmm…Charge of the Light Brigade…” She then flipped over the top three cards of her Deck. They were “Bottomless Trap Hole”, “X-Saber Darksoul”, and “Wulf, Lightsworn Beast”.

 

Shouldn't it have been mentioned that she revealed Charge of the Light Brigade from the top of her deck before flipping over the next three?

 

“And then there is that effect…” She moved the “Wulf, Lightsworn Beast” to her imaginary Monster Card Zone. She often would go over card combinations in her head to see how they would all play out. She was famous around the school for her most favorite card combination, which combined the might of the heavens and the might of the earth. She called it Light End Dragon.

 

Wait, Light End Dragon is a card. You even thought it was necessary to add a link it. Why does she name a combo after a card?

 

A combo "which combined the might of the heavens and the might of the earth". That is so hideously awkward that it makes me wish to puke.

 

Well, you'll probably want to lower your collar first.

 

NO! I mean... not... right now. Now is not right.

 

Are you okay, dude?

 

Yes, I just... let's continue.

 

...

 

Stay your hand!

 

O-okay...

 

She looked over at her television. She had it muted this whole time, because she couldn’t afford distractions right now. Now that the Duel was about to get under way, she couldn’t miss this opportunity.

 

Err, uh... I... ugh... B-because the faintest glimmer from the television is... clearly not a distraction.

 

“Duelists, young and old, professional and amateur alike, it’s the moment you’ve been waiting for,” the MC said. “We’ve been anticipating this Duel ever since the two built a huge rivalry against one another that lasted for four years. Now, it’s finally time to settle this the old-fashioned way! As we all know, this Dueling Arena is built specifically for Turbo Duels, and there is no better way to settle it than here on the track! Introducing, the Grand Terror of New Domino City, the definition of callous, the scathing skeether, I give you, Ramsey Mars!”

 

There was a cascade of boos and jeers that followed from the crowd. From the Pit Stop Area appeared a Duel Runner painted with blue and turquoise pearlescent paint. There was a single white stripe going across the body of the Duel Runner. The Duelist, Ramsey, was dressed in a white body suit. He circled around the arena, waving to the crowd as he went by. However, the crowd’s reaction did not change, not even in the least bit. The girl watching the television set simply shrugged and returned to her card organizing.

 

What does the girl look like? Is she hot?

 

That is... your primary... concern?

 

I can't even see your face, um, Votek, wasn't it? You really don't sound too good.

 

I'll be fine! Ignore my pain and continue with this. It... it is necessary.

 

 

“And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The Grand Champion is about to announce his comeback. I give you, the master of speed, agility, and a Deck with a power-packed punch proven to put any pal in his place.” The announcer started following an alliteration pattern. “Here he is, Ressen Ikeda!”

 

Um, both these guys have names that being with "R". That's going to make this a bit troublesome to follow.

 

Instantly, the crowd exploded with cheers and “woo-hoops”, with occasional whistling and grunting noises coming from the audience. From out of the Pit Stop Area came a rider with green hair that stretched all the way to his shoulders, a teal body suit, and, unbelievably, no helmet. His Duel Runner was blue and silver, but when the moon’s light reflected on the Duel Runner’s paint, it seemed to turn dark purple. He made one lap around the track before he came to the starting position.

 

Ahem. Daniel is correct. You've gone through this much description, but we know nothing of what this girl looks like.

 

I'm just going to pretend that she looks like Akari Tsukumo.

 

“Now, kiddies, I know that we are all excited, but there are a couple of ground rules that we need to cover. First off, in a Turbo Duel, you are not, I repeat, you are NOT allowed to use any Spells other than Speed Spells. Well, you technically don’t have to follow this rule, but if you don’t, let’s just say it might sting you a little bit. Second, the first person to make the first corner gets to go first. This is a race for speed and power, as well as prestige. Well, I think that’s all I want to cover. Everyone, start your engines!”

 

They should be aware of this. An explanation like this is purely for the audience's benefit, even though they would be aware of these rules as well if they're reading this.

 

Ressen pulled up to his foe and looked him dead in the eye. “You’re going down! It’s time to settle things!”

 

“I couldn’t agree with you more,” Ramsey said. “I activate the Field Spell “Speed World 2”!”

 

The girl watching the television had just pulled out another one of her favorite cards, “Light End Dragon”.

 

What.

 

A fortuneteller had given this particularly powerful card her. The fortuneteller said that if she kept this card, then it‘d ward off bad spirits.

 

My brain just broke itself. Why does she call her mighty combination "Light End Dragon" when she has a card with the exact same name where it actually makes sense?

 

She didn’t believe such things, though.

 

Agreed, I don't believe spirits exist.

 

Really, now? Then what do you call what I have shown you thus far?

 

Okay, that's totally magic, but Duel Spirits? That's nonsense.

 

“And they’re off,” the MC said. “This looks to be a promising Duel!”

 

The girl watched in awe, staring at her television set.

 

Ressen pushed his Duel Runner to the very max.

 

That should only be possible when he has twelve Speed Counters.

 

He had tried to pass Ramsey, but he could tell that he also had upped his game within the last several years. It was a close neck-and-neck confrontation all the way to the first turn, but ultimately, Ramsey had the final say, as he accelerated out of the corner and into first place. Both Duelists immediately drew their five card opening hand.

 

“That was a big mistake, Ramsey. You should have let me go first.”

 

“Ha! No way, Ressen. Those that fall behind are the ones who think the slowest! It’s my draw!”

 

Or perhaps Ressen has a play that would be more advantageous for him if he went second? And yet Ramsey did not seem to consider this. How are they rivals, precisely? From what I can tell, Ramsey is not so much Ressen's rival, but rather someone who has been repeatedly defeated by Ressen, and thus wishes to avenge his losses. To Ramsey, Ressen is indeed his rival, but to Ressen, Ramsey is little more than a nuisance.

 

Wait, does this mean what I think it does?

 

Ressen LP: 4000

Ramsey LP: 4000

 

 

Ramsey drew his sixth card.

 

Ramsey Card Count: 6

 

You informed us that Ramsey drew his sixth card in a proper manner. Pointing out factors such as their Life Points and the card count is unnecessary.

 

“I Normal Summon Dance Princess of the Ice Barrier And then I’ll end my turn.”

 

“That’s all? You’re making this too easy for me!” Ressen said arrogantly.

 

Hi Jack Atlus!

 

Ressen Card Count: 6, SPC: 1

Ramsey Card Count: 5, SPC: 1

 

So we are going to keep this nonsense up?

 

“I activate the effect of The Fabled Chawa from my hand. By discarding 1 “Fabled” monster from my hand, I’m allowed to Special Summon him. Come out, my pet!

 

"In addition, since The Fabled Ganashia was discarded to the Graveyard by a card effect, I’m allowed to Special Summon him as well! Now I tune Level 1 “The Fabled Chawa” with Level 3 “The Fabled Ganashia” in order to Synchro Summon The Fabled Unicore!

 

"But it gets better. See, I haven’t even Normal Summoned yet, which is what I am going to do now! Come out, Fabled Raven! My Raven has quite the ability. See, by sending a number of cards from my hand to the Graveyard, “Fabled Raven” gets 400 extra ATK and 1 extra level for every card I send. So I send Sillva, Warlord of Dark World from my hand to the Graveyard in order to boost Raven’s ATK and level! And since “Sillva, Warlord of Dark World” was sent to the Graveyard via card effect, she is Special Summoned to my field!

 

"Now I’ll tune again, with the Level 3 “Fabled Raven” and Level 5 “Sillva, Warlord of Dark World”. Watch as the mighty struggle between lightness and darkness descends onto the battlefield, as these monsters struggle for sovereignty over the Dark World! Synchro Summon, Second Crown, Fabled Valkyrus!"

 

That fool made a poor choice in gathering his champions. I could not care any less for this duel, but at least it seems relevant.

 

He uses Fiends. Yep, he's totally a rip-off of Jack Atlus.

 

And that was all in one turn. The girl looked on in amazement as she struggled to contemplate the move that Ressen had just made. What was that that he Synchro Summoned just now?

 

"Did he just Synchro Summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?"

 

Cute. However, I would think that what little development has been given to this girl would make her less surprised by this onslaught.

 

“I’m not done yet, though! I activate the effect of “Fabled Valkyrus”, which allows me to ditch 1 Fiend-Type monster in my hand, and in return, I draw another card. Since I just discarded Beiige, Vanguard of the Dark World, he is Special Summoned to my field. Now, I’ll attack. “The Fabled Unicore”, attack his Dance Princess.”

 

Ramsey LP: 3300

 

4000 - (2300 - 1700) = 4000 - 600 = 3400. It may be a 100 point difference, but you still fail at basic math.

 

“And now, my “Fabled Valkyrus” and “Beiige, Vanguard of the Dark World” can move in for a direct attack. Go, Valkyrus, “Dark Crashing Wave”!”

 

Ramsey LP: 0

 

Though apparently that was not important, because this duel ended just as soon as it begin. How fortunate for me.

 

And just like that, it was over. The duel ended in just two turns.

 

Okay, back up. First, we got a dueling champion who uses Fiends. Second, he's dueling a guy who claims to be his rival, and he apparently uses an Ice Barrier deck, and ice is the opposite of fire. This is such a blatant rip-off of Jack vs. Mukuro.

 

By the way, how is this Ressen guy the champion? The last episode of 5D's began with a time skip that apparently takes place eight years in the future, which would mean this takes place one year after that. I honestly thought Jack would still be the champion or maybe even Rua would have surpassed him, but I think it's the former.

 

“Wow-how-how! That was absolutely unbelievable,” the MC started ranting. “It was over in the blink of an eye! I’ve never seen fast quite that fast before! Ressen really has sharpened up his skills a lot during his time off! I wonder who will be next!”

 

And that person will be...

 

 

The girl looked at her cards again.

 

Of course. The plot clearly demands that it shall be here.

 

She ever wondered if she would ever be like Ressen. It was unbelievable that he could end the match so swiftly. She was sure shocked at this spectacle.

 

This coming from the girl who supposedly got an A+ every time she dueled using X-Sabers. Did she never learn to defeat her opponents that swiftly?

 

“Hey, Ayame, I’m coming in!”

 

At last, a name for our nameless protagonist. I must commend you for such a well-done way of revealing each character's name. None of it seemed forced, as if to get these details written as soon as possible.

 

“Okay,” the girl said. She counted her cards. There from the doorway stood a girl wearing a red outfit: red dress shirt with red pleated skirt. She had blonde hair that was tied and held by a ribbon in the back. She had on her most expensive jewelry, which consisted of her necklace, held together by beads, her ring, and her wristwatch, which was an hour late on the time. She appeared slightly tanner than usual; in fact, it almost looked like she was burnt from the sun. She instantly knew who it was. It was Michiko, and the two were practically family ever since they came to New Domino Duel Academy. But now, it will be their last year that they will ever spend together, so they almost wanted to do everything together.

 

...And with but a single paragraph, you have betrayed your skill in timing and writing descriptions. Daniel, I will leave the rest to you.

 

Uh, okay.

 

That is, for some things…

 

“Did you go tanning again? It’s fifty degrees out,” the girl sorting her cards said.

 

Who goes for a tan when it's fifty degrees? That's very cold, you know. Michiko is an idiot.

 

She grimaced as Michiko slouched on the bunk bed. “That was very ill-mannered of you.”

 

“Hey, would you relax,” Michiko said. “I told you that I would be back before the duel started, Ayame. I didn’t want to–”

 

“It’s already over,” Ayame interjected.

 

“What? You’re kidding!” Michiko then looked at the television set.

 

Serves you right.

 

Ressen appeared on screen with the MC and a newscaster, who had been interviewing him. He suddenly took the microphone from the MC.

 

“Listen up, everyone! If you want a challenge, or simply want to get your Duel Runner banged up, you know where to find me! I rule these streets, and if anyone tries to mess with my throne, I will guarantee that I will royally be all over you!” He then walked off towards his Duel Runner and made a victory lap.

“Wow…that Ressen guy sure is something, huh?” Michiko asked herself.

 

“Sure is.”

 

"He's so dreamy even though he's a massive jerk with an unoriginal personality!"

 

“Hey, don’t get discouraged. I know you’re gonna rule the streets one of these days.” Michiko put an arm around her friend’s shoulder. “I just know it. You have the Duel Runner and the Deck; all that is stopping you is this building! Once you’re outta here, freedom is yours!”

 

Freedom. The thought excited Ayame…but this was her home. There was no way she could let home go so easily, not to mention her best friend. She had been here for the past four years, and the ties and friendships that she created while she was here would last for an eternity. She couldn’t just throw it away now. Ayame shuffled her Deck.

 

Fascinating. Is Satellite still a hellhole despite it being over a decade since it stopped being like that?

 

“Hey, wanna have a Duel real quick?” Michiko asked.

 

“Ha! You know, sometimes, I prefer a challenge.” Ayame answered. She pulled out her “XX-Saber Hyunlei”. Then she moved her “XX-Saber Pashuul” and “X-Saber Anu Piranha” from the “field” to the “Graveyard”. It was obviously clear that she has going over card combos. “But sure, why not?”

 

“I think you’ll find that my Deck is not the same as last time. I’m gonna whoop you good this time!” Michiko said, full of herself. Ayame sighed; it was impossible to change this girl’s traits.

 

But it's entirely possible to change her deck. Perhaps she'll be the one to figure out how to beat X-Sabers.

 

“You’re on!” Ayame said.

 

Nah, I'm done with this.

 

Ah, it is over?

 

Well, he left a link for a theme song for this chapter? Here it is.

 

A song for a chapter?

 

Um, yes?

 

Posted after the chapter it was meant for?

 

Looks like it.

 

Devil's Advocate is a hopeless case, it would seem. From what I've seen, people have responded to this story favorably, so perhaps it improves over time, but I will do care to find out for myself.

 

So, um, can I go now?

 

Of course. I've already returned to where you were, so I'll be on my way.

 

...How did I not notice that?

 

Hey, Dan!

 

Yumi!? I didn't expect to see you here!

 

Who were you talking to?

 

Oh, this is- Huh? Where did he go?

 

 

So, Yumi has already made it here. No... perhaps it would be accurate to say that their universes have already blended into one. Excellent. I knew I recognized that pain. This must be the source of that. But how? Perhaps Micheal will prove to helpful in learning why...

 

Edited August 24, 2011 by Phantom Roxas