Phantom's Divinations |23 is Number 1!|

[Phantom Roxas]

Weather Reports. Foe Fiction. These are what have shown us the writing capability of YCM. That is to say, very little at all. Do we need more proof of this? Yes, because these are Phantom's Divinations.

 

[spoiler=Like No 1 Ever Was - {When Worlds Collide}]Our first review shall be "When Worlds Collide" by PikMan. We begin with a Chapter Plot - which is here referred to as "General Premise" - likely because PikMan is too impatient to reveal the plot to us that he would rather lay it out in front of us rather than let us read the story itself. Granted, a majority of published books do the same on the back, but for a fanfic it is simply ridiculous. Gameville is a place where characters from video games, books, movies, TV, and the internet coexist with each other. Then why is it called Gameville? Shouldn't it be Mediaville or something equally unoriginal? If, for whatever reason, I am planning my vacation to Gameville, I am under the impression that I will only see things relevant to video games there. Sadly, as books and movies have been thrown in, I will have to deal with the unending torture of the characters from Twilight and Eragon. If I am to believe that Mediaville Gameville is some kind of paradise, which I'm expecting to be the case here, then I want Stephenie Meyer and Christopher Paolini's influence removed posthaste. In the middle of this, the creator of this fictional world (meaning me) decided to create a cartoon version of himself. This character, a teenager named Jacob, faces the same challenges he does in real life, except alongside quirky characters including (But not limited to): Before we even get to his problems, the author has needlessly inserted himself as this story's equivalent of God (Though a God that allows my favorite characters of fiction to live in the same land as Bella Swan and Eragon is far from righteous), and said insertion created his own insertion. That means Jacob, who is clearly going to be our hero, is an author's avatar's author's avatar. Due to this redundancy, I suspect Jacob is going to be a very boring protagonist who will succeed in goals our PikMan only dares to dream of. -a firebreathing chicken pleasebetorchicpleasebetorchicpleasebetorchicpleasebetorchic -a marshmallow with a black hole for a stomach Wait, what? -a seeing-impaired turtle... dragon... thing with an IQ higher than Einstein No, you don't stutter like that with the description. -a blind girl who can manipulate rocks, and Toph's in this? At least the author had a good choice for at least one character. -an extremely accident-prone guy in an orange hoodie. Okay, no idea who that is. Also, I must point out your awful way of listing. The format should be "- A (insert description". This may be nitpicking, when you want to submit your resumé, you want to make sure it looks good. (Place your guess as to who they are.) It appears that when PikMan originally posted this story, Chapter Plot was all he had, and even that was just a "This is the setting to somehow make this crossover make sense, here are the characters." He's obviously trying to give us the challenge of guessing these characters, but as this is a crossover where the target audience should be fans of a majority of the involved franchises, there should be no reason to give us trivia when you should just outright state throughout the story which character is which. Chapter Characters, which was posted only a day after Chapter Plot, reveals these characters, making the whole point of guessing, well, pointless. And yes, Jacob is my real name. And so my opinion of Jacob is finalized. We immediately move on to Chapter Characters. Jacob- A carefree video game enthusiast and the only Mii in Gameville… so far. You don't understand the concept of Last of His Kind, do you? We are led to believe that he is the last one, and while it's often not really a big twist that there is another one, this is very poor foreshadowing. It's not even foreshadowing at all. It's just "He's the only guy here, but there there will be more somehow." Torchic- Jacob’s best friend. A firebreathing chicken who can speak English. You actually did make it Torchic, thank you, and he'll be serving the role of the Pikachu I guess. Please don't make him the Piplup. Kirby- A Mashmallow with an appetite rivaling that of Yoshi. The hint for Kirby was "a marshmallow with a black hole for a stomach", but here it's just his big appetite. Is "black hole" a metaphor, or is PikMan just mistaking "vacuum-style Mega Manning" with "black hole"? Roll- An android designed as Mega Man’s sister. She’s a huge clean freak. Iggy- A Koopaling with a higher IQ than Einstein. Rumor has it that he has skeletons in his closet, which I will partially reveal in Episode 3. Wait, what? I was expecting that Chapter Characters would confirm the identities of each character in the same order Chapter Plot hinted them at, and it followed that order up to this point. Iggy is the "genius turtle-dragon-thing", obviously, but where does Roll come from? She wasn't even hinted at! This is the last of the listed characters, and yet neither Toph nor the accident-prone kid were listed. This shows that PikMan is somehow unable to maintain continuity between Chapter Plot and Chapter Characters. Aside from the fact that this is a crossover fic, this terrible continuity error is what shows that we are to prepare ourselves for something terrible. Characters will be added as I go on. Then why don't you add in Toph and the klutz right now? Well, after two not-really-chapters, we've finally arrived at Chapter 1. Of course, PikMan seems to prefer the terrible method of posting a chapter in parts. What's that? Oh, fine, I did that with Hopeless Paradise, but that was a pretty large segment, and I formatted them into proper chapters. Here PikMan has each part under a spoiler, apparently unaware of a certain little line that should obviously denote a transition. Oh well, we've managed to survive Chapter Plot and Chapter Characters, so perhaps we'll just take a look at Chapter 1 Part 1 and be done with it. Chapter 1 is titled "Laser Tag, You're It!" Should I be scared? Welcome to Gameville. Yeah, the name’s kinda dumb, but I had to call it something, and Videoland was already taken. So, here we are. Two sentences into the actual story and you've already made an unforgivable mistake: Commenting on your own inability to come up with a better name by directly speaking towards us is not something to do within the actual story. Granted, Google informs me Mediaville is already taken, but honestly, this is a fanfic. I'm pretty sure not many people are going to give a damn if you were to call the place Videoland. "Gameville" is also apparently taken, anyway, so why are you afraid of give this place a name that's already taken if you're going to give this place a name that's already taken? One day in Gameville, Jacob was walking down the street with his roommates, Torchic and Kirby. Everything seemed normal enough; The sky was partly cloudy, the plants were carnivorous, plumbers jumped on mushrooms with eyes, and guys without arms could carry stuff. The description here astounds me. You describe the plants, the plumbers, even the sky, and yet you refuse to describe our heroes and Jacob You're one of those people who expect people to already know what your characters look like because you're using character people are familiar. Sure, Torchic and Kirby are pretty well known, but is it honestly that hard to describe a red little chicken and a pink marshmallow? In fact, how do the guys without arms carry stuff? What stuff do they carry? Are they carrying turkeys with their teeth? Then they heard the familiar call of “Eggs tree! Eggs tree!” I'm very certain that if I was in a town, I certain wouldn't recognize people screaming "Eggs tree!" at me. Perhaps this call is familiar only to citizens of Gameville? It was Homestar. Look, a character that wasn't even mentioned in Chapter Plot or Chapter Characters! He was doing his part time job as a newspaper boy. He stopped next to Jacob and chucked a newspaper at them, and ran off. Jacob picked it up. “Whoa, there’s going to be a Lasertag championship in 3 weeks!” Said Jacob. PikMan, Jacob is supposed to be you, correct? Is this really how you act? In fact, the title spells "Laser Tag" as two separate words, but from here on out "Lasertag" is a single word. Also, "Said". Get your cups out guys, because that's the first sip. “It seems like you’re hyped”, said Torchic, who had the ability to speak English after a run-in with Iggy Koopa. Read the first chapter of Fairy Tail. You will see the main character's pet companion is a blue cat named Happy. He speaks, and we accept this because Fairy Tail is fantasy. There is no need to reveal right here that Torchic gained the ability to speak English so hamfistedly. Couldn't we just wait for Iggy Koopa to show up to explain that in way that's not "As you know" purely for the benefit of the audience? “It’s just too bad you got kicked off the Lasertag team last year.” Jacob chose that time to have a brain fart. “Wha-?!” He asked. “Don’t you remember what happened last year?” Replied Kirby. Take two sips. Then Jacob had a vivid flashback of the moment: In Gameville, the Lasertag rules state that if a Team Captain gets gunned down, that team loses. Jacob was the team captain, but Rayman was the brains behind him. Rayman explained their plan. “All right, we’re gonna have Kirby and Mario flank left while me and Jacob head straight. Finally, someone who knows that flashbacks are a better method than As You Know. However, the correctness of that method is negated by one think: "me and Jacob." Did you somehow miss the point in grade school where it was revealed that you are to right "Jacob and I"? I’ll take off from Jacob to cover his rear while Link helps Jacob gun down Bowser. So Tails, how’s our plan?” Tails stepped up. “Our chances of success are about 2,846 to 1.” “That’s better than we usually do”, said Rayman. Take a sip. Jacob (Who had been daydreaming that he was in the bathroom) No. "Jacob - who had been daydreaming that he was in the bathroom -"is what you should do. suddenly shouted “All right, time’s up chumps, let’s do this!” He grabbed his gun in his hand, and as he bolted out he shouted at the top of his lungs “LEERRROOOOOOOOOY JENKINS!!!” You somehow forget to put a comma after "lungs." Also, obligatory pop culture reference. That's worth another sip. He was barely 10 yards away from his team when he tripped on thin air. No, it wasn’t air- It was Larry Koopa, Bowser’s 2nd youngest child. What's the point of saying he tripped on thin air - something that's it intangible, mind you - when you're just going to contradict it a sentence later and say it was a living being. As Larry aimed his gun, he taunted, “The force is strong with you, Jacob, but you are not a Jedi yet.” Bang. Take a sip. Then Jacob snapped back into the present. "No, I don't", he lied. “That figures”, said an unbelieving Kirby. That was a painfully pointless flashback then. Furthermore, dialogue made by two separate character shouldn't be on the same line; you did this earlier. Just then, Mega Man and his sister, Roll, walked by. (And please don’t ask me to explain Roll’s name, I’m not in the mood.) I wouldn't have asked you to anyway, but because you insisted on putting that request within parentheses within the story, I've decided that you now have to explain Roll's name. “Hey guys!” Said Mega Man. Take a sip. “What’s up?” Roll walked over and saw the article in the newspaper about the Lasertag championship. “This is about the Leeroy Jacob incident, isn’t it?” She said. Unnecessary naming method for an inside-joke of an incident via pop culture reference, having this dialogue on the same line as Mega Man's, and capitalizing "She". Since you put all those mistakes at once here, I think you should all take five sips here. Before they even had a chance to answer, Roll continued. “Well, good news for Jacob; The legislation was passed so that people cannot get kicked off the team, so Jacob’s back in.” This only makes the previous flashback even more pointless. We learn that Jacob epically failed on a Lasertag game, was apparently kicked out because of said fail, and yet said expulsion has already been revoked. We're not even a third of the way done with the first chapter, and the plot as it is has already been rushed. Couldn't Jacob have just failed, and his motivation this year is to not fail as much as last time. The simple idea of a Laser Tag Lasertag legislation is so stupid that I'm pretty sure they only exist just to revoke the ban. Is this world's "Lasertag" the equivalent of CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!? Jacob, Kirby, and Torchic had a simultaneous “WHA-?!” Looks like it is. The look in Mega Man’s eyes made it clear he wasn’t enthusiastic about the idea either. Why shouldn't he? Aren't they on the same team? Is Mega Man worried that Jacob fails so much that letting him back on the team will be their downfall? If Jacob is to prove he's worthy of being our protagonist, I'm sure he'd have tried to get better, but who said Jacob was worthy? PikMan did, because Jacob is PikMan. “Hey don’t look at me, it was Roll’s idea to ask Dedede. Ah, well. See you in 3 weeks.” Both of the androids left. I've seen 100s of people who don't know how to write 1 number in letters, likely because they're too lazy to input 4 extra keys. Once they were out of earshot, Mega Man decided to mess with Roll a little bit. “You just suggested that to Dedede because you like Jacob!” Roll blushed. “Wha- No I don’t!” Take a sip. Also, I really don't like when romance is shoehorned like this. Rave? That did romance pretty well, only here it's worse. PikMan has written Roll so that she has a crush on him. That's pretty creepy, since Roll is an android. Interspecies/interracial romance aside, a robot crushing on a human Mii seems pretty weird. Now, apparently PikMan was anticipating criticism for this very thing. PikMan, if you are aware that people would criticize this, why do it in the first place? I already planned to complain about this part anyway, but your revelation that you expected this just amazes me. Mega Man smirked. “That’s fine, your secret's safe with me!” Roll groaned, then blushed some more. Meanwhile, one of them awkward silences fell upon Jacob and his friends. Kirby broke the silence after a full 2 minutes. “Welp, we’re boned.” "ONE OF THEM AWKWARD SILENCES." Also, that closing line is from "Bender's Big Score", so take another sip. Overall, the story is boring. We got a crossover fanfic here, with characters mentioned in Chapter Plot and Chapter Characters that regrettably don't even make it here, but perhaps they do eventually. My only motivation to read further is to find out when these characters actually do show up, if at all. The story obviously is a Wish Fulfillment Fic, where PikMan is friends with a talking Torchic (Admittedly, this would be awesome) and several other video game characters, not to mention the uninteresting one-sided romance between Roll and Jacob (SPOILER: Jacob has always liked Roll, too), stemming only because PikMan is obviously a fan of Roll, and while I personally have no problem with him being a fan of her, making the main character a self-insert who is the love interest of Roll is so blatant that I just can't let it slide. The beginning promised me "Super Smash Bros. Meets Homestar Runner, but this seems more "Jacob prepares for a Lastertag championship with his video game friends as Homestar has been degraded to a mailman."

[spoiler=2 Minutes to Midnight - {Sirtrystan 5's Fanfic}]We begin with the proluge. No, that is not a typo. sirtrystan 5 actually spells it out as the "proluge." The inability to even spell prologue properly is not a good sign, but let's play along anyway. Daniel loved the popular game of Yu-Gi-Oh!. Why is it that whenever someone writes a Yu-Gi-Oh! fic, they address the game as Yu-Gi-Oh! and not Duel Monsters? I henceforth call this the Tamers Effect, where the original is changed to a show within a show. Sadly, I doubt that this will be anything like Digimon Tamers. He always looked forward to Saturdays. On Saturday, he went to the nearest Game store to have a few duels and to get some new cards. Why would you capitalize "Game"? I know it's because it's a store, but unless you were actually giving it a name, you shouldn't need to capitalize it. Oh wait, I know why. You lost. It was also tournament day. I assume these tournaments are really that big if they happen every week. Oh wait, this is a Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic, my mistake. At his local Game store, he was the best. Why does everything have to have the main character #1, #2, or at the very bottom? Can we get something where the hero is right in the middle of the rankings and isn't all "Yeah! I'm going to be number 1!" for once? On most days, he would go to school, chat with his friends and maybe have an odd duel out in the street. As he walked to the Game store, something in the back of his mind told him not to go, but he didn't listen. He should have, because this Saturday, his life would change forever... Well, not really. But it would change some of his aspects of life and some other minor boring stuff. But let's not delve into that. This is where our story unfolds... So we basically get very short sentences for our proluge about how our hero is awesome at Duel Monsters Yu-Gi-Oh!, and it seems we're ending the proluge with him entering the Game store. Fine enough, but the middle part is just atrocious. "His life would change forever" is fine and all, although clichéd, but the subversion of saying that it's really not that big of a deal just comes across as stupid. In fact, why shouldn't we delve into that? Isn't that going to be the plot? And if something in the back of my head was telling me to be careful, I would probably still go in, but with reluctance rather than ignorance. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves an idiot hero. Oh well, it's time for "Chapter 1 - A weird day." Okay, sirtrystan 5, are you even trying? "Daniel! Your friends Jennifer and Austin are here!" came the screeching voice of his mother. At least it's not "Said." "Tell them I'll be down in a minute! I'm just reorganizing my deck!" Yelled Daniel, sounding annoyed. I spoke too soon. "Yelled." Also, if he's yelling that he just needs to finish reorganizing his deck (Which I personally wouldn't mind doing in the car or at the Game store), we can infer that he's annoyed. So Daniel finished with his deck organizing and came downstairs to greet his guests. As he passed his mother, April, he said in a calm voice There should be a comma after that "voice." "Please, Mom, don't call me Daniel in front of Jen and Austin. Just call me Dan, okay?". And that period at the very end shouldn't be there. sirtrystan 5 seems to have a habit of not including something where it should be, then putting something where it shouldn't be. Like this story. And why should Daniel have a problem with his mother calling him by the name she gave him in front of his friends? If my mother called me Patrick in front of my friends, I most certainly would not insist that she should call me Pat. However, his nickname being Dan and his status as the main character remind me oh-so-much of Dan Kuso from Bakugan. And that's terrible. But hey, we got a Power Trio. I like those, so let's see how sirtrystan 5 characterizes them. He was about to walk out of the door when his mother asked "Daniel, where are you going?" "Mom, it's Saturday, remember? Today's the day where I go and kick everyone's ass at the Game store. I'll be back at around 3ish, okay?" Even if you were trying to avoid As You Know, that was still forced. As the proluge states, Daniel goes to the Game store every Saturday, and his mother should be well aware of this, so she doesn't need to ask. The good-byes were quick and soon he and his friends were on their way to complete their weekly ritual. During the walk, he kept hearing in the back of his head "Danger! Do not go there today! I repeat, do NOT go to the Game store today." But eventually he drowned out the thought with some classic Bon Jovi. Daniel's conscience that popped up for no reason other than to hint to the plot that it somehow knows about is stupid. In fact, isn't this what the proluge said happened anyway? I thought Chapter 1 was supposed to start when he actually does enter the store. The proluge is just a synopsis of what happens in Chapter 1 and Chapter 1 just repeats what was said, only with expanded parts. This is very poor storytelling. "Dan, you look worried. Is there something on your mind?" asked Jen. "Actually, yeah. Something's just telling me to avoid the Game store today. I don't know why, though." "Maybe it's you duel spirit talking, huh?" Jen was a believer in Duel Spirits. She believed that with enough passion, you could create a spirit from a card, and it will help you with whatever. If they were true, however, then he couldn't see them. Not even Austin could. So he just regarded it as a childhood fantasy. Daniel apparently has a habit of ignoring anything that could possibly progress the plot. It's like he's actively trying to avoid being placed as the main character, which makes me happy, and yet also annoys me because sirtrystan 5 decided to make him the main character anyway. I refuse to say "hero" or "protagonist", because then I'd be giving Daniel too much credit. However, Jen impresses me. I expected Jen and Austin to have very little dialogue and to be as flat as Daniel, but Jen's belief in the supernatural, barring her belief in that it stems from the power of friendship, makes her probably the most unique character yet, and thus my favorite character in this. Austin broke the silence. "Guys, we're here!" This is all the characterization we get from Austin, people. He's blander than Daniel, which easily makes him my least favorite character. Dan felt a bit weak. Why is the narration now referring to Daniel as Dan? We know his name, so there's no need to do that. You sir are no Rick Riordan, so you have no excuse. All that walking could tire a guy out, even a fit one. This guy is pathetic. Coming from me, who is admittedly not very athletic, that is very sad. When I take a walk for a distance, I don't describe myself as weak, I just say I felt weak. Also, this is why you get a car. What was April doing that could have possibly prohibited her from taking Daniel and his friends? Where is his dad? Oh screw it, the plot demands this stupidity. They took a glance at the giant Logo So wait, I can use the term Game store Logo, and the only reason that would look odd to you would be because "store" is not capitalized? That would look odd to me because you somehow believe "game" and "logo" need to be capitalized. on top of the 2-story building and paid their silent respects. Why? Do we even need to care that they're doing this? When Yusei, JACK ATLUS, and he-who-must-not-be-named saw the poster for the World Riding Duel Grand Prix, did they pay their respects? No, they just did went "We're going to win." If canon Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's do things that are more sensible than you're characters, something is very, very wrong. If you actually attempted to describe the logo, I might understand them, but here it's just pointless and stupid. Like this story. "Well? What are we waiting for?" asked Dan. "Let's go!" As they entered the building, they could feel the fimiliar air space and the fimiliar smell. As opposed to taking in the familiar sight of the place. It smelled like fresh booster packs being shipped in for sale. How can you even smell a fresh booster pack? Considering the cover of The Shining Darkness, I would expect to smell something putrid, but I can't. The store wasn't that big, but it had a small arena for dueling with Duel Disks. The instant you manage to input an arena for ground duels, no matter how small, you lose the ability to call the store "not that big." There he spotted the chatting room, unmoved, filled with duelists. He walked towards them all and all he heard was the repeated groans and awws, but he felt at home. He must have walked into YCM if everyone's BAAAAAAWing that much. More at home than anywhere else in the world. Rather than, you know, his own home. A little kid named Robert walked up to him and said the same thing that he said every Saturday. "I challenge you, Daniel, to a duel!". I just realized something. Robert has had the most description out of everyone in this story, in that he's actually described at all. Robert was a persistant kid who was getting better every day, and always thought that he could beat Daniel. "Fine. Let's go." It's a darn shame Robert doesn't know how to be persistent. To be continued... No, because we're done here. At the time of this Divination, this is all sirtrystan 5 has written. There is nothing to read here, it's just a typical Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic with astonishingly bland characters and Jen. Daniel actively tries to avoid the plot, and the characters make a few illogical actions, like praying to a Game store Logo. There is unnecessary punctuation at times, and capitalization of two of the most pointless words that don't need to be capitalized, and even then sirtrystan 5 forgot to properly capitalize the name for Chapter 1. Not to mention the lapses in grammar.

[spoiler=Then Thou Shall Count to 3]It appears that this story is only a small part of some ridiculously convoluted crossover with an absurd amount of completely unrelated series. Fortunately, this story seems to be self-contained. However, our author's name is krspaceT1. As stated in 2 Minutes to Midnight, that is a bad sign. In a even more futuristic Neo Domino krspaceT1 assumes we know that Neo Domino was already a futuristic place to begin with, and thus decides to open a story with a line that is solely telling us the location, finding it necessary to add in the "even more." On the daedulus bridge, a dark red duel runner, And here we have a couple issues with capitalization. There are countless examples of this from here on out, so to avoid being repetitive, I'll just leave it at that. sort of like Yusei's, Because everyone knows what Yusei Fudo's Duel Runner looks like. flew down late at night, with a odd lack of traveling cars. The person on the runner had a blue racing suit with red shoulder pads. A yusei like disk was on the runner. His brown eyes were focused, his burgundy hair, with yellow highlighting flashed in the wind. He then spotted the person he was looking for, a large white runner, driven by a oddly clad man. Well, at least krspaceT1 is describing characters. "Paradox!" he yelled. The masked man turned his head back towards him. Is it really that hard to describe Paradox's masks, of all things? "So, if it isn't my young friend" he smirked in content. How exactly does one smirk in content? Incidentally, our second consistent error: lack of punctuation. "I'm sorry, but I'm a few decades late for my appointment" his duel runner started to pick up speed. "Oh no you don't!" the boy smirked, pressing a button. "Speed World 2, ON!" both of the runners entered duel mode. "Really that determined to lose" Paradox smirked. Excuse me, I believe the smirk had a glaring lack of content. "Very well, I needed to test this deck out" "Caution a duel is commencing,a duel is commencing,a duel is commencing, Central Lane chosen" a annoying announcer voice hollered. If the announcer is annoying, we can decide that for ourselves without the narration needing to tell us so. If I was reading a fantasy novel where a fairy constantly says "Hey, listen!", it's pretty obvious that the fairy is annoying. A red barrier formed, as they were herded into a long stretch of road. "DUEL!" Both 4000 "The first move is mine!" Paradox smirked. "You may have some famous parents, Micheal Fudo, So yes, as the clever title says, we finally here our main character's name. Is this misspelling intentional, or does krspaceT1 really not know how to spell "Michael"? but that's not helping you today, first I set two cards face down, and next I remove my deck's Elemental Hero Neos, to summon Malefic Neos!"(OC monster) a evil version of neos with a black and white mask appeared in attack mode (2500, 2000). Once again krspaceT1 assumes that we know how something looks like. In fact, why does krspaceT1 describe the mask here as black and white and yet earlier just says Paradox has a mask? (Dark, Level 7, 2500, 2000 This card cannot be Normal Summoned or Set. This card can only be Special Summoned by removing from play 1 Elemental Hero Neos from your Deck. There can only be 1 face-up Malefic monster on the field. Other monsters you control cannot attack. If there is no face-up Field Spell Card on the field, destroy this card.) You couldn't cover any of that throughout the story itself? "Now, since I just removed a monster for a card effect, I activate this special trap that can only activate when a monster is removed for a summoning of a malefic monster, even on the turn it was set, go Malefic Override" (OC continous trap card showing Malefic Blue Eyes, rainbow Dragon and Stardust Dragon battling their original selves over a destroyed city). Stop telling us if a card is OC, it's unnecessary. "With this card's power, first any monster, including the one I just removed by the effect of a Malefic monster, are instead placed in my grave. If my monster is destroyed by battle, the corresponding card in placed on the bottom of your deck, and in exchange,you get dealt damage by the monsters level times 100." See, this is what you should have done with Malefic Neos. Actually have the character say what it does rather than putting the card's effect as an aside. "Not bad" Micheal commented. "But next, I think I'll summon Dark Mimic level 1 in defense mode!" a blue box with teeth appeared. (100, 1000). "Next, I play speed spell, Level up! Now, if i have a level monster on my field, I can upgrade him" the little box was replaced by a bigger one. "Dark Mimic, Level 3 (1000, 1000), I think that's enough for now" "My draw!" the boy smirked. "I'll start, with discarding one card" he discarded his Speed Warrior. "To summon, Quickdraw Synchron!" a tuner in a cowboy get up appeared in attack mode (700, 1400). "Next, I normal summon, my Dark Verger in attack mode!" a plant with two eyes on its leaves appeared in attack mode (0, 0). "Now, since my Quickdraw can count as other synchron monsters, its time to tune!" Quickdraw shot his gun into the air, exploding as he did, covering Dark Verger in 5 green rings, with dark verger becoming transparent with two stars. "Rise!" a flash of light There is absolutely no reason that last part should be it's own paragraph. In fact, every other bit of dialogue a character has is a different paragraph. I know you want to avoid having a wall of text, but sometimes you don't need to hit the enter key every single line. "Nitro Warrior!" a large blue warrior with anger issues appeared in attack mode (2800, 1800). Well, at least krspaceT1 knows basic math. "Nitro Warrior, attack!" the warrior flew with a fiery contrail straight into Malefic neos, smashing him with a punch. Paradox 3800 I spoke too soon, as Paradox should have 3700 Life Points. "Remember my trap, well if you don't!" a blast of purple light struck Micheal, causing him to cringe. Micheal 3300 Okay, this makes krspaceT1's ability to properly calculate another consistent error. "Well, in case you don't remember, since my Nitro Warrior destroyed a card in battle, I can change your defense monster into attack mode, and attack again..." "Normally yes, but I activate Skill Drain!" a creepy purple fog descended upon the field, engulfing all the monsters. "Now, by paying 1000 life points, all effects in play are negated, and this card lasts for as long as it isn't destroyed, so sorry but your warrior is stupefied!" Paradox 2800 2700. Yes, I'll be giving the proper Life Points Paradox should have. This isn't Supreme King vs. Jim. "I'm not impressed, and with that I place a card face down to end my turn" "You completed negated my ability to activate effects. Since Mystical Space Typhoon is scarcely used nowadays, I may or may not have a card that can destroy Skill Drain. I'm not impressed." As they biked past a large billboard, with large wanted images for Valdimore and Bellatrix Lestrange, as well as another advertising "Tonto Co brand shaving cream", Paradox began his turn. Apparently this seemingly pointless reference is actually a continuity nod to krspaceT1's mega crossover, only he doesn't know how to spell Voldemort properly. "My draw!" "Now, I send to my grave the monster called Elemental Hero Flame Wingman, to summon Malefic Flame Wingman!" a dark version of Jaden's favorite monster rose in attack mode, with a black and white mask on his head and on his dragon arm It seems that each card gets more description than the last, though that's still not much. Also, why aren't this card or Malefic Neos Elemental Heroes? ( OC 2100, 1200). no wait i thought the supreem king or parudox use that in the anime. (Dark, Level 5 Warrior; This card cannot be Normal Summoned or Set. This card can only be Special Summoned by removing from play 1 "Elemental hero Flame Wingman" from your Extra Deck. There can only be 1 face-up "Malefic" monster on the field. Other monsters you control cannot attack. If there is no face-up Field Spell Card on the field, destroy this card. If this monsters destroys a opponents monster by battle, and sends it the graveyard, deal the destroyed monsters original attack points to its owner as damage) Okay, new consistent error: Laying the card's effect in front of us vs. A character explaining it via dialogue. "Next, I also send my deck's Blue Eyes to the grave, in order to call Malefic Blue eyes white dragon!" a evil blue dragon rose into the air (3000, 2000). "Now, you see the power of my deck! Two all powerful monsters, and thanks to skill drain, its all possible! With it, their effects to be alone are negated!" Not sure if Skill Drain would negate the summon, but alright. "I do, but also I see its defeat" Micheal smirked. "Very well, Blue Eyes, Paradox Lightning!" a blast of blue light flew straight as Nitro warrior. "Go, Scrap Iron Scarecrow!" a metal scarecrow blocked the attack. "That's your father's oldest trick, I'm not impressed" Paradox smirked as he ended his battle phase. Paradox seems to really love smirking even though he's wearing a mask. A shame he only smirked with content once. "I activate, the Infinity Destructinator speed spell (OC spell card showing a green blue infinity symbol piercing Stardust Dragon, Colossal Fighter and Gaia Knight, the Force of Earth, with light of the same color). Stop telling us that the card is OC! We get it! Not necessarily an error, but it's equally annoying! Also, what kind of name is "Infinity Destructinator"? It may sound cool to you, but I personally think it's stupid. "Now, by giving up 2 speed counters when I have at least 3, I can remove from play a synchro monster on your field, and in exchange, you regain the non tuners you used to make it" a blue light pierced Nitro Warrior, sending him into a swirling vortex, as Dark Verger replaced it. "And finally, I remove from play from my hand, Infiinity Skill Flagger (OC ) a monster just made of a mask like Paradox's with two large red and white flags behind it jumped into a remove from play vortex Too bad krspaceT1 refused to describe Paradox's masked and expected us to know it's design ourselves. (dark level 1, 0, 0 When you have the skill drain trap card out, you can remove this card. As long as this card is removed from play, your opponent is not affected by Skill Drain, and in exchange, this card's owner draws two cards each turn. Malefic Monsters also regain their effects, aside from their rule on being only one Malefic Monster in play) This card is agonizingly stupid and way, way too situational. "My draw!" Micheal said calmly. That exclamation point doesn't really seem that calm to me. "I activate, my speed spell one for one" he activated his spell. I'm still trying to ignore your insistence to take cards and make them into Speed Spells. "By removing 4 speed counters" he slowed down, getting a good look at the nearby billboards saying Krusty Krab; Home of the Krabby Patty, a inter world delicacy and for Dexlabs No one cares for these stupid, unnecessary, and out of place references. Did I mention we're only half-way done? "I can discard a card from my hand, and summon a monster from my deck at level 1" he discarded his GigaPlant, as Stardust Xialong curled up on his field (100, 100). "Next, I summon Hyper Synchron in attack mode!" the blue cybernetic being rose in attack mode (1600, 800). "Now, I tune level 4 Hyper Synchron and Level 2 Dark Verger!" Four glowing lights burst out of a hatch on Hyper Synchron's chest, as he vanished. The lights turned into four green rings, which surrounded Dark Verger. He became transparent with two glowing stars again. "I synchro summon, Splendid rose!" the blond haired girl with half black and half green clothing, with vines everywhere and roses above her feet, spun in attack mode 2200, 2000). "I activate my Rose's special ability, by removing my Gigaplant from the grave, I can cut the attack of your Malefic Blue eyes in half!" a vine surrounded the evil Blue eyes (1500, 1000). You were doing so well barring your consistent errors until the very end. Malefic Blue-Eyes has 2500 DEF, and half of that is 1250, but that's not the problem. The problem is that Splendid Rose only halves ATK. "Now, Attack, Wonder thorn!" the monster used a rose like a whip to strike down the trapped dragon. Paradox 2100 2000. "You fool! Now, your taking some damage, and a free loader!" her deck gained Blue eyes as a purple light struck Micheal again. Micheal 2500 No, I'm pretty sure it should be 2700. "Now, for my monsters other effect, by removing dark verger from play, she can attack again by cutting her points in half, so now your dark mimic shall also get some!" his monster swung her whip, striking the purple box, and Paradox. Paradox cringed, feeling a cut on his arm where the rose's whip hit him. "You should know, when Dark mimic is destroyed, I can draw a card" "I see, you are a freak like your mother" he smirked. Once more without - okay, I'll stop. But seriously, does he need to smirk so much when he still has a mask? "My move, and I activated the effect of speed spell, Bypass destroyer" (OC card showing Speed Warrior Kicking the head of Dark Grepher before he could draw his sword). "This spell activates in my draw phase when I draw it, instead of gaining a speed counter. Now, your strongest monster is destroyed!" a speed blast hit and destroyed Splendid Rose. "No!" Now are you impressed? "Yes! Paradox smiled as he also drew his extra card. "Now, I send from my extra deck to my grave, Chimera the Flying mythical beast, to summon Malefic Chimera the Flying Mythical Beast!" a two headed creature, with a snake tail, all these heads covered in black and white masks, with armored wings, flew in from a dark vortex (OC, 2100, 1800) (Dark, Level 6 Beast; This card cannot be Normal Summoned or Set. This card can only be Special Summoned by removing from play 1 "Chimera the Flying Mythical Beast" from your Extra Deck. There can only be 1 face-up "Malefic" monster on the field. Other monsters you control cannot attack. If there is no face-up Field Spell Card on the field, destroy this card. If this monster is destroyed and sent to the graveyard, and sent to the graveyard, summon forth a Malefic with equal or less attack points then this card,ignoring the summoning conditions) "I have made malefic copies of the greatest cards ever made!" Paradox gloated as his two great monster stared down at Xialong. "And with them, I will change history!" That was some long overdue exposition. "I don't think so" Micheal smirked. Oh great, now you're smirking. Seriously, do either of these guys know any more facial expressions other than smirking? "Well then, Malefic monsters aren't my deck's only cards, I now remove Dark Mimic Level 1 and Chimera, sorry your not getting him today" his two monsters flew into a vortex "to summon, Dark Simorgh!" a giant black bird flew up from the air in attack mode (2700, 1000) "And now, thank's to my monsters ability, you can't set any card!" No, that's not how it works. I know you said Chimera was sent to the Graveyard, but that's not how Malefic monsters work. Even before you did it right and have the monster be removed from play, but here you forgot that for the sole purpose of letting Dark Simorgh be summoned. "Now, Attack Chimera!" the monster charged at the small dragon. "Go, scrap iron scarecrow!" the attack was bounced off. "Well then, Dark Simigroth!" a dark whirlwind hit the dragon. "Yes, I am aware that your little dragon has to be beat twice, that's why I have him!" Malefic Flame wingman burned through the dragon, and Micheal got the extra fire. Micheal 2400 2600. Did you even state which mode Stardust Xiaolong was in? I assume he was in Defense Position, because otherwise Micheal would have taken more damage. "That's enough for now" Paradox smirked, as they drove past another wanted sign, with Megatron and Azula's image on them, as well as a sign for Jurassic Park Domino" STOP IT. "MY draw!" he yelled. "And with that, I summon my Junk Synchron to the field in attack mode (1300, 500). "Now, I can revive a monster from my graveyard that's level 2 or below, so welcome back, Speed Warrior in defense mode!" (900, 400) "Junk Warrior can't help you now" Paradox commented.. "Oh maybe he can't, but not before I activate, Speed Spell, Angel Baton! Now, I can draw two cards, as long as I send one to the grave" he discarded Quilbolt Hedgehog. "And since I have a tuner in play, I can call my Hedgehog from beyond the grave in attack mode!" A hedgehog with bolts for quils rose in attack mode! (800, 800). "Now, I tune level 3 junk Synchron!" his tuner broke himself apart into three green rings. "With level 2 Speed Warrior and Quilbolt Hedgehog!" the monsters jumped into a burst of light. "To summon, my mother's favorite, BLACK ROSE DRAGON!" the flower themed dragon roared as it appeared in a flash of dark light (2400, 1800). "Oh boy" Paradox chuckled "I have a chance to get a scan of that card too" his duel runner started to glow purple "I don't think so, because when Black Rose Dragon is summoned, I can destroy all the cards on the field!" a burst of black fire crossed the area. "Sorry, no Malefic Black Rose Dragons today!" "Go, Malefic guard!" (OC trap card showing Malefic Chimera protecting Paradox from a dark magic attack) "Huh?" "Now, I can protect my spells and traps from being destroyed, by removing a malefic card from my deck! I remove, Malefic Swift Gaia the Fierce Knight (OC)!" ((Dark, Level 7, 2300, 2100 This card cannot be Normal Summoned or Set. This card can only be Special Summoned by removing from play 1 Swift Gaia The Fierce Knight, from your Deck. There can only be 1 face-up Malefic monster on the field. Other monsters you control cannot attack. If .?docid=17358803 is no face-up Field Spell Card on the field, destroy this card If this card is the only card in your hand when you special summon it, you can draw one card.). Paradox's cards were all destroyed, as was black rose Dragon. This is even more pointless. We're not going to see the card, unless it's being brought back later, so we don't need to know what it does. "and now, thank's to my Malefic Chimera, I can summon a Malefic monster back, like Malefic Flame Wingman!" You don't understand the concept of Nomi's do you? "I play two cards face down, and with that, I end my turn" "My draws!" Paradox smirked, as they passed a bill board about the big dueling leagues. The older Duela and Leo were on it, with Guardian Eatos vs Power Tool Dragon. Duela is a character from the mega crossover. This is the most pointless meta reference so far. And that's terrible. "I now send my Handcuffs Dragon, and my VWXYZ Dragon Catapult Cannon from my deck and extra deck, to summon Malefic Handcuffs Dragon (1800, 1800)and Malefic Dragon Catapult Cannon!" (3000, 2800). The large monster battle robot with a black and white mask on his face, and on his dragon head's armor, stood like a creepy robot, and behind it, the handcuffed headed and ended dragon had black and white marks on each part of the handcuff. Okay, Malefic Dragon Catapult Cannon. That's my favorite card here. Too bad it's not enough to even bring this fanfic from so-bad-it's-horrible to awful. (Dark, Level 5, 1800, 1800 This card cannot be Normal Summoned or Set. This card can only be Special Summoned by removing from play 1 Handcuffs Dragon from your Deck. There can only be 1 face-up Malefic monster on the field. Other monsters you control cannot attack. If there is no face-up Field Spell Card on the field, destroy this card. If this card is destroyed in battle, all monsters on your opponents field loose 1800 attack and defense points, and when this card inflicts damage ,your opponent must send the bottom 2 cards from the deck to the grave) (Dark, Level 8, 3000, 2800 This card cannot be Normal Summoned or Set. This card can only be Special Summoned by removing from play 1 VWXYZ Dragon Catapult Cannon from your Extra Deck. There can only be 1 face-up Malefic monster on the field. Other monsters you control cannot attack. If there is no face-up Field Spell Card on the field, destroy this card. Once per turn, you can remove a card in your hand to remove a card on your opponent side of the field and deal 500 points of damage) "Whoa!" "Yes, and now I remove the Rainbow Dark Dragon in my hand, to remove Scrap Iron Scarecrow!" his main defense trap was gone! and he took 500 points of damage Unnecessary, since Black Rose Dragon destroyed every card on the field, which you even pointed out, but only Paradox's cards were protected. Micheal 1900 Screw this, I'm not going to keep track of Life Points anymore. "Now, I attack you with my Catapult!" a blast of dark energy flew at Micheal. "Go, Draining Shield!" a shield formed around him, absorbing the power of the attack. Micheal 4900 "Very well, but still not enough! my Flamewingman!" a blast of dark fire struck Micheal head on Micheal 2800 "And my Handcuff!" Micheal got pinched Micheal 1000 "Now, your bottom two cards are back to me" he regained Neos and Blue eyes in his grave. "Your move!" "With pleasure" Micheal focused before drawing. He smiled. "I first activate, Speed Spell- Burial from a different dimmension, and by removing 3 speed counters; Nitro, Quilbolt and Dark Verger are back in my grave!" "Now I summon Debris Dragon in attack mode!" the white dragon flew in with a growl (1000, 2000). "A tuner!" "Yes, and now with his ability, I revive Dark Verger!" (0, 0). "And with a tuner on my field, I revive Quilbolt Hedgehog one more time! (800, 800). "Now, I tune level 4 Debris dragon, level 2 Dark Verger and Level 2 Quilbolt Hedgehog!" his monsters did the whole tuning sequence. "To summon, Stardust Dragon!" the pure white dragon roared to life (2500, 2000). "Next, I play, Speed Spell- Enchanted fitting room! With it, I give up 800 points, and draw four cards!" (In this time, its normal only rule is scratched)" two of the cards he drew glowed orange, as he felt a strange feeling on both of his arms. The dragon's head and Claw formed on each of his arms, from his parents. "I summon, Two Majestic Dragons!" (0, 0) "as well as Dash Warrior (600, 1200)" he put the other card, Max Warrior, back into the deck. "And since Stardust Dragon was summoned, I can revive Stardust Xiaolong!" "Now, I tune together, Stardust, Stardust Xiaolong and Majestic Dragon!" the two dragons jumped into the enlarged majestic Dragon to tune. "I Synchro Summon, Majestic Star Dragon!" he yelled as the great beast roared to life (3800, 3000). "You can summon that thing!" Paradox said shocked. "When your the son of two signers, you pick up a trick or two, and now I activate, Descending lost star, reviving my one level down friend, Black Rose Dragon (2400, 0). Or rather, you're a blatant Sue. "Next, I tune my other majestic dragon, Black Rose Dragon, and Dash Warrior, into the just as mighty Majestic Rose Dragon!" the two monsters also jumped into the enlarged tuner. "Rise, my mighty beast!" A dragon much in the shape of Majestic Star Dragon, except purple with large roses at each pointed part, and petals on its wings, flew alongside the other majestic dragon. (3400, 2800). (Fire, Level 10, 3400, 2800 Majestic Dragon + Black Rose Dragon + 1 non-Tuner monster You can Tribute this card to destroy all the cards on your opponents side of the field, and for each card destroyed by this effect, you gain 400 life points. During the End Phase, return this card from the field to the Extra Deck, and Special Summon 1 "Black Rose Dragon" from your Graveyard.) what What WHAT Okay, this just pathetic! 7 + 1 + 3 = 11, but krspaceT1 somehow concludes it's 10! Is he trying to make it match up with Majestic Star Dragon's level? Maybe, but this is just so blatantly stupid! "Now, Majestic Rose Dragon, Rose Obliteration!" his dragon burst into a purple light, that obliterated all the cards on Paradox's field. Micheal 2200 "Now, I shall attack with Majestic Star Dragon!" the bright light emmiting from Star's mouth struck Paradox clean Paradox 0 Paradox's duel runner stopped as they skidded to a halt, near a bill board with a Visit the beautiful land of Alegesia, as well as a wanted poster for Van Kliess and Marik. "It's over, Paradox, your going to the prison world, Spaghetti Junction" Micheal told him. "Its not over, I still have this" a portal through time opened up as he got back onto his runner and drove for it. "Go, Black Rose Dragon, STOP HIM!" he used his psychic dueling skills to really summon Black Rose, whose thorns grabbed Paradox and his runner, but then his deck through into the portal. "NO!" Paradox cried as his deck vanished. In the present The deck flew out of the portal, and landed in a dispersed pile, in the room of the supreme king, as he opened the door... Michael Fudo; Son of Yusei Fudo and Akiza Izinski As seen in The Adventures of Duela and Yuna Oh. My. God. It's over. If you're still reading, then you managed to reach the end. This is just unspeakably awful. Pointless pop culture references, atrocious lapses in grammar, a blatant Gary Stu son of Yusei and Aki, insistence on writing out the effect to almost every single original card and constantly stating they're OC when it's obvious they are! I am most certainly smirking with content at how awful this is.

 

The Fantastic 4 - {Yugioh!: The Big 12}

The Fiendish 5 - {~Broken Destiny~}

6 Degree of Separation - {The Heroes Corps. - The Fading World}

The 7th Seal - {Yugioh GX fanfic}

She's a Sp8der - {Pokemon - The Sparkman Adventures}

Plan 9 from Outer Space - {PokemonXD Taken To The Max}

To the 10th Power - {Trio of DEF}

Up to 11 - {Cold Shrill}

Rex 012 Angelus - {Yu-Gi-Oh D.T.}

The 13th Struggle - {The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods}

My Birthday Is July 14th - {The Tale of Gagagigo}

15 Minutes of Fame - {Yu-Gi-Oh Strike of the Heavens}

16 Candles - {The Legend of Zelda - Majora's Mask - Shining Corruption}

17 Again - {Pokemon: Path of Anarchy}

The Deathberry Returns - {Distant Memories}

So Last Century - {Going with Something Different: Devil Advocate's "Heartfelt" Review}

20 Questions - {Highschool of the Dead (IRELAND EDITION)}

21 Guns - {Return of the Vongola}

22 Acacia Avenue - {Yu-Gi-Oh! Arcane Mysteries}

23 is Number 1! - {Digimon: Knights of the Sun}

Edited October 22, 2012 by Phantom Roxas

[Jolta]

To catch who is your real test?

 

This is actually better than Pichu's! No offense, pal. (Pal is in Pichu)

 

I lawled at the last sentence.

 

*Revisits Card Games on motorcycles part*

 

Accepting requests?

[Toffee.]

The simple idea of a Laser Tag Lasertag legislation is so stupid that I'm pretty sure they only exist just to revoke the ban. Is this world's "Lasertag" the equivalent of CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!?

I lol'd@that

 

Take a sip. Also, I really don't like when romance is shoehorned like this. Rave? That did romance pretty well, only here it's worse. PikMan has written Roll so that she has a crush on him. That's pretty creepy, since Roll is an android. Interspecies/interracial romance aside, a robot crushing on a human Mii seems pretty weird.

Doesnt it sort of contradict with the Megaman series anyway?

[Phantom Roxas]

[spoiler=The Fantastic 4 - {Yugioh!: The Big 12}]

Now let's take a look at Yugioh!: The Big 12 by salsha.

 

Having survived the abomination that was Micheal Fudo vs Paradox, lets hope we've delved into something marginally better.

 

Prologue: The Sacred Cards

 

I awoke startled on the floor beside my bed. I felt a small pain in my back, another nightmare. You see, about a month ago, I was on a school trip, our teacher allowed us to go the souvenir shop.

 

See, there's a comma splice right before that "our teacher" part.

 

I had glanced at a powerful Yugioh card I never seen before.

 

Are people really that lazy to type Yu-Gi-Oh!? I know Yugioh is easier on the eyes for people, but it really isn't that hard to type.

 

“Poseidon: God of Sea”.

 

I suspect salsha is another fan of Percy Jackson, since that's pretty much the biggest reason someone would have their protagonist related to Poseidon somehow.

 

I asked the owner what this card was and he replied by saying that it’s a one-of-a-kind card. The owner said there are 12 god cards in existence, but, the owner had given me the card for free if I promised to take good care of it.

 

There are only about ten copies of the Seal of Orichalcos in print. If I were to go up and ask for him to give me that card and promise to take card of it, I doubt he'd give it to a stranger like me. Either that or this guy really wanted to give it away and figured that our hero would make that easier.

 

Also, we seem to have another story where the author prefers to write numbers in number form rather then in text form.

 

He told me that they were based on Greek mythology.

 

Did he really need to? I'm pretty sure our thus-far-nameless hero should know who Poseidon is.

 

I was surprised by giving me a powerful card, but now I know why. Ever since I used this card, I get these weird nightmares. I now understand why, it’s a curse. I sound so idiotic right now, but there is.

 

Learn proper punctuation.

 

I can’t get rid of it, I tried destroying it, but it still came back, appearing in my deck.

 

He didn't consider returning it or finding some other poor sap to give it to?

 

“Yumi?”

 

[What the-] I thought.

 

No. Who writes thoughts like that? Italics, quotation marks, either of those work, but parentheses?

 

“Yumiiii…?” my mother had been calling me.

 

“One second, mom!” I quickly got ready. I totally forgot, today was the big tournament! Way before the class trip, I entered a qualifying match in the tournament. I won 7 duels which had qualified me to enter the national tournament. There were going to be a lot of duelists.

 

Do I really need to correct every single error for you?

 

I ran out the room and checked my watch, 12:15. [No!] I thought to myself, I ran out the door and started my way to the tournament.

I finally got to the tournament, I was 15 minutes late! I went up to the duelist ID registration; the Id’s were also punched into your cards, only you can access them through your duel disks to prevent stealing.

 

Why do wait until now to use a semicolon? Also, why do these stories insist of having the main character run when they have a parent that can easily drive them there if they're in such a hurry? Did his mother have the same accident that Daniel's had?

 

“Huh? Who is that?” a man said in a white shirt with a tie.

 

“My..name is- Yumi… I.. am a qualifying duelist” I said out of breath.

 

“Sorry kid, but registration is over. You’re too late.” The man replied

 

It's a shame you didn't have someone to drive there so you could be on time.

 

“Oh, come on! Please?”

 

“I have strict rules under-“the man was interrupted,

 

“Ah, so this is little Yumi,” a familiar man said.

 

“How do you know my name? Wait a sec… you’re…you’re Maximillion Pegasus!”

 

And we have yet another fanfic where Pegasus shows up. I really don't know how to feel about this.

 

“Why, yes I am,” Pegasus said in return.

 

“Oh my god, sir, I…why are you here?”

 

“Well, to watch my tournament of course! The winner challenges me, he can win a very rare card.”

 

“Oh, wow. What card is it?”

 

“It’s named Athena: Goddess of Wisdom. It’s a very powerful God card.”

 

“You’re giving up a god card!?”

 

"I can't believe the guy who created a card game solely for children to obtain the cards and play with them would just give away a card to a child so that he can play with it!"

 

Also, a random store owner gave you Poseidon, which I presume is an even better card than Athena. Of course, Athena is probably cursed as well and Pegasus is as much a selfish jerk as the store owner and wants to give it away.

 

Furthermore, why is Yumi so surprised? If he's trying to get into this tournament, shouldn't he already know that the winner will duel Pegasus and win a rare card?

 

“Yes, but I doubt anyone will win against me.”

 

I'm pretty sure Toons aren't meta.

 

“Sir,” the man with the tie interrupted, “15 minutes until the first round of the tournament start. So far, 11 people have been eliminated from the tournament, only 9 remain. They each have won altogether 10 duels.”

 

Wait, if the first round has yet to start, how come 11 people have already been eliminated from the tournament? Don't you mean the qualifiers?

 

I realized I only had won 7 duels before entering, I needed 3 more.

 

You said that you qualified because you had won seven duels. How does this kid not know these things about the tournament?

 

“Wait, only 5 minutes!?”

 

“That is correct.” The man replied.

 

Apparently ten minutes passed during the time it took to reach this part of the conversation, but I'm pretty sure it's just salsha's inconsistent writing.

 

“Not to worry,” Pegasus replied. “ I have a little wager for you,”

 

Because that's totally abiding by the rules. Pegasus, you've run a tournament before, I think you can easily break it to this kid that he'll just have to try again next year.

 

“For me? What is it?” I said.

 

“If you can beat me in a duel, I’ll allow you to enter!”

 

Wait, why does he have you duel you? Isn't the whole point of the tournament to have the winner duel you anyway? Why waste your time dueling a kid who doesn't even know the basics of the tournament and doesn't have the decency to show up on time?

 

“Defeat you!! How is that even possible!? You’re the world’s best duelist!”

 

I have absolutely no idea where this story takes place now.

 

“Well, we’ll see!” Pegasus took out his deck. I was about to laugh, but he was serious. He inserted his deck and it became an official match.

 

Not exactly "official", but certainly "real". He's just going to let you in on a stupid wager if you manage to win. Good luck even getting into the bracket before this is over.

 

“Well….alright, fine! Let’s duel!” I inserted my deck. I was about to duel the creator of this game, and there was no way out.

 

And who's fault is that?

 

That's all there is to it. Overall, it's nothing special to me. We have a hero who's too stupid to know the basic rules to a tournament or ask his mom to drive him to place so he isn't late. Granted, this is an prologue, and certainly longer than most, but something like this shouldn't count as a prologue and should really just be billed as the first chapter. It even has it's own chapter name. salsha promises that he already has the story developed in his head already, so there's a chance it can improve later on, but most of this story is just characters taking stupid actions because the plot demands it and Yumi is involved.

[spoiler=The Fiendish 5 - {~Broken Destiny~}]

We have another Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic, and this one is ~Broken Destiny~ by psychicplayer

 

Fortunately, we do not have to deal with Chapter Plot or anything like that. Unfortunately, psychicplayer decided to create Thread Character Submissions with Chapter Plot included there. As we clearly have the makings of an intelligent story, let's begin.

 

In Neo Domino City, Tay Williams was walking along the streets of his favorite strip mall.

 

After skimming through the story, I noticed that that's the closest the word "Tay" and a comma ever get in this story.

 

His tutor Yusei Fudo, sent him a package. He told him it was at "Bud's Bumpers" Duel Runner Shop.

 

That's not exactly sending someone a package, or at least in a smart way. If Tay's going to get a package, why couldn't Yusei just send it to him instead of sending it to a D-Wheel Duel Runner shop and making Tay go pick it up? It's really not that hard to do.

 

He entered the door of the shop. A bell sounded off as he entered. The owner, Bud Burling, greeted Tay with a friendly hello.

"I got your package Tay."

Tay looked around and saw no box where the package may be. He raised one eyebrow. Bud laughed.

 

I always laugh when people raise an eyebrow because they can't find what they're supposed to pick up from me.

 

"It's out back."

He motioned Tay to come to the door that led to the back garage. When the door opened Tay's eyes widened. Sitting there was a bright shining, crimson red, Duel Runner. Tay stroked his hand over the Runner.

"Mr. Fudo always told me about his Runner. He entered it in several tournemants, and won several duels with it."

Tay wheeled it out of the garage, and took it for a spin around the city.

 

Wait, what just happened? One second we were in the garage, the next we're in a city! You don't just transition like that without a line break!

 

On his way home, another Duel Runner rammed into him. It was black, and had several orange symbols on it. Tay almost fell off his Runner, until he adjusted his balance.

 

I always suspected Crow was a organizer of spontaneous crashes.

 

"Hahahaha! You pathetic Signer. You have no idea what's going on, and yet the war will start soon."

 

Guess what, we still haven't reach a line break. In just two sentences, Tay has taken his D-Wheel, raced around the city in it, and now has crashed into someone who immediately declares the plot while hamfistedly revealing Tay's status as a Signer that wasn't so much as alluded to-Oh wait, this is a 5D's fic.

 

This sentence only exists to show how transitions can be done.

 

Tay was still trying to keep balance, so he was only able to make out the words "Signer... War will start..." Tay got really confused.

"What are you talking about?"

Tay caught a glimpse of the strange person. He was light blue haired, and had a red mark on his right eye going down his face.

 

Kiryu, is that you?

 

"Wait a minute. I know you! You're Keith! What's going on Keith? What are you doing?!"

 

Wait wait wait wait. Wait. No. That's astonishingly lazy. Granted, I really can't blame psychicplayer for this at all, as apparently boss4057 is responsible for Tay and Keith's very existence. psychicplayer is only to blame for accepting his entries.

 

All of a sudden, and person on a D-Board came onto the road with them. It was a girl. Looking like she was 11-13.

 

Is it that hard to write "It was a girl, looking about eleven or thirteen"?

 

"You're not doing anything Keith! Or should I say Ccapac Apu!"

 

What's the point of revealing that his name is Keith when we don't know who he is except for the fact that Thread Characters states he's Kiryu's son and then immediately having someone randomly show up and declare that he's Ccapac Apu?

 

The mysterious person laughed again.

"You've got to stop following me around Luru. You're just gonna have to go to the depths of the Netherworld!"

 

For those who did not read Thread Characters, Luru is psychicplayer's character, and coupled with the fact that she's listed right before Tay in the Chapter Characters, I'm assuming that she is the true main character and that Tay has thus far been a decoy protagonist. However, Luru has the appearance of Ruka despite being billed as Rua's daughter, and she somehow inherited a few things from Ruka. Either I'm reading into this way too much, or psychicplayer has a sick, twisted mind.

 

Also, Netherworld. It's no different from being sent to the stars or the Shadow Realm, so stop trying to hide it.

 

Tay suddenly remembered something Yusei said.

"The Dark Signers would stop at nothing to send the Signers to the Netherworld."

Tay then related that to the situation.

"Keith? You're a Dark Signer!"

"Hahahaha! It took you long enough Tay."

The girl on the D-board called out to him.

"Tay you have to stay alert! We're going to have to duel him."

Then the girl pressed the button on her Duel Disk.

 

If we know her name is Luru, why is she still being referred to as "the girl"?

 

Tay shook the shock away from him for a second, and was ready to duel. They said simaltaniously,

 

Simultaneously. Spell it with me now: S-I-M-U-L-T-A-N-E-O-U-S-L-Y.

 

"Riding Duel! Acceleration!"

 

After your insistence on using dub names, now you use the Japanese names?

 

All of a sudden the road forced the group into another lane. All of a sudden, a purple geoglph flame surrounded them. Tay looked around confused. His tutor never told him about this.

 

Yusei told you that Dark Signers that at the time he probably thought would never come back would stop at nothing to eliminate the Signers but left how the crucial fact that you'd be in a geoglyph?

 

Anyway, what follows is a duel where psychicplayer insists on showing us every single card because psychicplayer thinks little of you to determine whether the card is original or who is possibly familiar with it, so let's just skip to the end.

 

"My turn, Draw! Hahahaha! I activate the card, Limit Impulse! And now I discard 2 cards, to summon 2 tokens to my field, and I'll tribute them while I'm at it. Prepare to witness the Netherworld! I summon-"

"Tay!"

Luru called.

"We've got to quit the duel."

Luru pressed a button and her D-Board and it stopped.

"Why?"

"End it now, lives are at stake!"

Tay pressed a button on his Duel Runner, and it came to a hault. Keith frowned in dissapointment.

 

How does that even work? If you never even wanted to duel in the first place, why say yes then immediately quit later? Furthermore, did you actually watch 5D's? It's impossible to quit a duel with a Dark Signer once it's begun. Keith shouldn't be in disappointment, he should be gawking at psychicplayer's inability to remember this crucial detail.

 

"Awww... that's too bad, I wanted to get some souls."

The two, then rode off on their vehicles and took refuge in a nearby park.Tay asked Luru,

"Why'd you end the duel? We didn't even make a scratch on him. Could you also tell me why my best friend is a Dark Signer?!

 

No, she can't, because that's the end of this chapter, and I'm done with this. Everything jumps around too fast, the characters are nothing special and their only characterization can be found in Thread Characters, where Luru and Keith are just the children of other characters and have alliterative names, and Tay is Yusei's assistant for some reason.

 

Also, Thread Characters shows that someone named xXJianXx submitted a character who's image is just a fanart of Roxas and he's Crow's successor. I am deeply insulted.

 

psychicplayer, why don't you try anything with these characters? It's fine to have character submissions for a fanfic; I did that myself, but each and every one of them is just a successor who inherits each Signer Dragon because the plot demands it and because the Signers inexplicably decided to just give away their best card to someone who just happened to impress them one time. Why not bring back the old characters, give characters like Aki or Ruka or Rua or Ushio and let them take care of it? I get you're trying to go for the "new generation" sort of thing, but this a terrible way of doing it.

 

 

 

To catch who is your real test?

 

Bad fanfics.

 

This is actually better than Pichu's! No offense' date=' pal. (Pal is in Pichu)

[/quote']

 

That's not much of a compliment.

 

Accepting requests?

 

Sure thing.

 

Take a sip. Also, I really don't like when romance is shoehorned like this. Rave? That did romance pretty well, only here it's worse. PikMan has written Roll so that she has a crush on him. That's pretty creepy, since Roll is an android. Interspecies/interracial romance aside, a robot crushing on a human Mii seems pretty weird.

Doesnt it sort of contradict with the Megaman series anyway?

 

Having only played Star Force, I wouldn't know.

Edited August 25, 2011 by Phantom Roxas

[Nexev]

Actually Roll is a sister in the original.

 

This one.

[Phantom Roxas]

Still doesn't change the fact that PikMan wrote the story so that a robot would be in love with him.

[Weather Report - Stand]

I bet that in two weeks we will have a fan fiction forum constructed entirely out of horrible stories and reviewers. Where did I go wrong?

 

In either case, yeah, you're a pretty good reviewer, and kudos for realizing the whole 'robot love with creator' thing. I shall never look at PikMan the same way again.In fact, the entire internet is made up of scary people. I feel scared an disturbed now, and it's all thanks to 4chan! Even though they're still cool(citation needed).

[Weather Report - Stand]

I bet that in two weeks we will have a fan fiction forum constructed entirely out of horrible stories and reviewers. Where did I go wrong?

 

Better than a story constructed entirely out of horrible stories. Wot wot?

 

Besides' date=' there aren't all that many reviewers. By my count, there are only three review series - Foe Fiction, Phantom's Divinations, and Weather Reports. That's certainly a lot for a forum of this size, but it's not overwhelming.

 

At any rate, it's certainly not your fault; you started the Weather Reports when there were no other reviewers around, I started Foe Fiction after Weather Reports ended and with no knowledge that they had ever existed, and Phantom's Divinations appears to be more inspired by Foe Fiction than Weather Reports, right down to the naming scheme.

[/quote']

 

Very true, although it's just that I've goten a few other people to turn to reviewing at times, including but not limited to: Twig, DailyNews, Kainine Kaisu, and some kid with Crystal Beast in his/her name from way last summer. And nobody can forget -Pichu-. Ever. So, because I suddenly look up, "hey, Pichu's doing reviews! OH NO!!" and then not one full day later, I look up, "hey Phantom''s doing reviews! OH YEAH?!", it's just a humorous thought due to the pace.

 

And yes, my story is made up of several damn awful stories. And yet nobody will ever be able to forget Billy Hills OR Deep-Voice Dobbson.

[Phantom Roxas]

Actually, Phantom's Divinations is named what it is because "Divinations" is derived from the fact that Divine is currently my avatar.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Both are very valid points.

[Womi]

3 reps if you let Dunsparce appear in one.

[Phantom Roxas]

Actually' date=' Phantom's Divinations is named what it is because "Divinations" is derived from the fact that Divine is currently my avatar.

[/quote']

 

I meant the "Like No 1 Ever Was" name, not the overall series name.

 

Ah, then yes.

 

3 reps if you let Dunsparce appear in one.

 

I'll see what I can do, but hold your reps until Dunsparce actually shows up.

[Dizzy~]

Is everybody reviewing now?! May as well jump pn the bandwagon.

 

@WiiOmi: I'll make it six.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Is everybody reviewing now?! May as well jump pn the bandwagon.

 

@WiiOmi: I'll make it six.

 

Saw it coming, Crabhelmet. The prophecy is still on track.

[Womi]

I declare each person starting reviews from now on to be satanic pig rapers with two heads.

[Nexev]

I bet that in two weeks we will have a fan fiction forum constructed entirely out of horrible stories and reviewers. Where did I go wrong?

 

Better than a story constructed entirely out of horrible stories. Wot wot?

 

Besides' date=' there aren't all that many reviewers. By my count, there are only three review series - Foe Fiction, Phantom's Divinations, and Weather Reports. That's certainly a lot for a forum of this size, but it's not overwhelming.

 

At any rate, it's certainly not your fault; you started the Weather Reports when there were no other reviewers around, I started Foe Fiction after Weather Reports ended and with no knowledge that they had ever existed, and Phantom's Divinations appears to be more inspired by Foe Fiction than Weather Reports, right down to the naming scheme.

[/quote']

 

Very true, although it's just that I've goten a few other people to turn to reviewing at times, including but not limited to: Twig, DailyNews, Kainine Kaisu, and some kid with Crystal Beast in his/her name from way last summer. And nobody can forget -Pichu-. Ever. So, because I suddenly look up, "hey, Pichu's doing reviews! OH NO!!" and then not one full day later, I look up, "hey Phantom''s doing reviews! OH YEAH?!", it's just a humorous thought due to the pace.

 

And yes, my story is made up of several damn awful stories. And yet nobody will ever be able to forget Billy Hills OR Deep-Voice Dobbson.

 

Also Supreme Gamemaster Yddisac did one but it was a mystery science theater ripoff.

 

And those characters were pretty cool I reckon.

[Twig]

Great review- blah blah blah- very funny- blah blah blah- Everyone stole what I was going to say.

 

Yes, I used to do Weather Reports, but they weren't that great.

[Toffee.]

Having only played Star Force' date=' I wouldn't know.

[/quote']

Eh, nevermind. I'm somewhat thinking of Powered-Up

 

Still doesn't change the fact that PikMan wrote the story so that a robot would be in love with him.

IT WOULD NEVER WORK!

 

I declare each person starting reviews from now on to be satanic pig rapers with two heads.

LOLWUT

 

Even better, write a fan-fic, and then review it.

[Phantom Roxas]

My internet keeps shutting down at inconvenient times, but expect Divination #2 tomorrow.

[Umbra]

My internet keeps shutting down at inconvenient times' date=' but expect Divination #2 tomorrow.

[/quote']

 

Because of our different time zones, it's still today here. That means... I read it before anyone else! Somehow!

 

I liked 2 Minutes, but it felt like it lacked something. It was neither amusing nor boring, and at times it felt like it strayed a bit from its purpose. (Mostly the Game store Logo parts.) I might just be spoiled from Foe Fiction, though.

[Twig]

Good job Roxas, but I agree with Umbra. It was interesting, but it didn't- how should I put this- sparkle. Yes. It didn't sparkle.

 

If found a terrible story you can review.

 

Good News: You're in it.

Bad News: It has LOTS of grammar and punctuation mistakes.

Horrible News: It has NO description AT ALL.

Absolutely Terrible News: It's 100% dialogue.

HORRIFIC TERRIFYING OVER 9000 BAD NEWS!!!!111ONE11!!!: Fast paced, too many characters, horrible dialogue punctuation, doesn't know when to separate paragraphs, etc...

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-207754.html

---

[Phantom Roxas]

@Umbra: I thought the Game store Logo was relevant due to the absurdity of people praying to it.

[Umbra]

I was more concerned about the odd capitalization being pointed out repeatedly. This isn't Zero Punctuation, the readers won't forget what you wrote a minute after reading it. Maybe I should just say that directly next time.

 

Anyhow, could you review The Forsaken God? It would be great if you could do Chapter Two; I could use some more opinions before I finish Chapter Three. I hope you'll enjoy it.

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-206506.html

[Phantom Roxas]

Ah, I'll be more careful with that next time.

 

Sure, I'll review The Forsaken God.

[Phantom Roxas]

From what I know, Battler is a skeptic protagonist in a way I don't personally mind. For Daniel, it makes very little sense.

 

The only reason I like Jen was because the author actually went for something that most people haven't done in terms of personality.

 

Then Thou Shalt Count to 3 is just so awful and more of the same thing, I found it hard to come up with something different.