EmonodaNewb Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 [spoiler=Disclaimer]I do not own any of the aliens used in this Fan-Fiction [spoiler=Plot]Yes I know how to use a spoiler, and I'm gonna use a prologue instead of a plot detail if that's okay. A war began centuries ago by the hand of an evil and utterly immortal being, the plumbers rose to the challenge every time this fiend escaped the null void, each time this beast was meet by the current hero of Earth, 1st was Benjamin Tennyson, next was Kenneth Tennyson followed by many others most notably Ann Tennyson. She sealed "Armageddon", as the beast soon came to be called, for far longer than any of her ancestors, and thus many generations of Tennyson's have lacked the skill to wield the power of the Omnitrix for centuries . Armageddon is stirring and his power grows by each passing day. It will be up to 10 Year Old Vendaljous "Ven" Tennyson, who has shown skill enough even to wield the more powerful aliens in the Omnitrix, but will it be enough to save the planet. [spoiler=Chapter 1 Arrival]"Ven, you've got mail," screamed a woman from down the long winding stairs that would make someone not used to the pattern sick."What is it, mom?" Ven asked curiously as he jetted down the swirling stairs. "I have no clue," the boy's mother replied, "Why don't you open it and find out." When those words left her Ven ripped and teared at the box hoping it was a gift from his dad. "Ven you'll break what ever is in side if you open it like that," Ven's mother stated smirking. Ven payed no attention to her and continued tearing with the remains flying all over the cozy sweet living room. All Ven found was a small metallic ball, the size of baseball give or take few inches. Ven put his hand through his ruffled orange hair, and starred at the ball intently with his piercing green eyes thinking he would be able to cut through the metal with his eyes. Ven soon began to grow bored with the ball and just slid his left hand on to the top and the ball opened as if it was listening to Ven's mental commands. While the ball was still opening a blue object flew at an incredible speed and latched onto Ven's left wrist and surge of energy shocked Ven awake. "What a weird dream," Ven said as he got out of bed. He looked at his left wrist and glowing it blue ominous aura was the watch that couldn't come off. "Guess not," he added sheepishly. Ven looked at his alarm clock and there it was starring him down was some pretty horrific news, he was about to be late to school. He couldn't be late today, it was the day of exams. If he was late to the exams he would be put some loser team. He hurried on his clothes brushed his teeth and he was flying out the door. Before he knew it he was halfway but only had 3 minutes left. "What if this thing is like what Grandma Ann had on her wrist?" he wondered aloud. "Don't have much of a choice." He clicked the watch and slammed down. Transformation began, and Ven was growing taller, and leaner until he was practically as tall as a Basketball player, his skin became rubbery his eyes grew further apart and his tongue grew at least four extra inches longer and he became. [spoiler=[color=#006400]LEAPFROG[/color]] In one jump Ven, or Leapfrog, cleared the highest building and was hurtling towards the ground. "HOW DO YOU STOP THIS THING" Ven screamed. Leapfrog's muscles seemed to know how to work as when he hit the ground he coiled and stopped waiting for Ven to command it to jump. Wow this is easier than I thought Ven said in his head. Now lets see how high this bad-boy can go. Ven jumped over building after building and he could hear the faint ring of the school bell. Just then Ven crashed onto the sidewalk of the school building. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP. A flash of red light and Ven was Ven again. "Sweet," he said to himself thinking of the awesome ride he had just experienced . Ven ran inside and soon found his class, Sweet she's not here yet, he thought. Ven sat next to his best friend, A.J. Levin, A.J was super strong and super fast, that was probably the only reason Ven wasn't picked on in his days of school. "Dude I got the best gift in the mail last night," he showed A.J the watch and told him how it changed Ven to something he thought was an alien."Dude that's awesome," A.J's eye's grew until I thought they would pop out of his head, "Now we'll definitely be on the same team." "SHUT UP," a lady about 5 feet tall walked in to the classroom. "Exam's are set to begin," she said looking at Ven smiling a sinister smile. TO BE CONTINUED......:d Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 i like this.... cause you said Kenneth in the plot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫ Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 i like this.... cause you said Kenneth in the plotXDD I like this too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted June 8, 2010 Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 Another fad I started? Soo... like other Ben 10 spinoffs he has fun with the watch and kicks people's asses? I wonder if Ven will cheat by becoming superintelligent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted June 8, 2010 Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 And he is using my older brother's aliens! i made the idea for Leapfrog! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted June 8, 2010 Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 older brother's aliens! This is a coincidence. People use these Aliens. A LOT. Your brother was the good Ben 10 Alien Artist? All along? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted June 8, 2010 Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 yep! he drew Canonbalt and sent it in to the Ben 10 fanrise-or whatever- and they PUT HIM ON THE SHOW! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted June 8, 2010 Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud. Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading. If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction. Actually, we don't seem to have received permission to review this story, so we can't really- Of course we can! This is my story! It's what? Check out Chapter Plot. It mentions me. This is a fan sequel to my story. We don't need permission to review this! So it does. And it also mentions some other guy from some other story written by that sexist plagiarist git. Oh, forget about that. This takes place in the world that I saved! We're totally doing this! Very well. Let's begin. Chapter 1 Arrival"Ven, you've got mail," screamed a woman I'm imagining some woman screaming this line in the same way that starship captains scream "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!", and let me tell you it sounds utterly ridiculous. from down the long winding stairs that would make someone not used to the pattern sick. Description is nice, but it really feels like the author lost his train of thought halfway through this sentence. Speaking of lost trains of thought, this is a perfect time for me to abruptly change topics and point out that this story has rare paragraph breaks, no blank lines between paragraphs, and center-alignment, combined to produce minimum readability. "What is it, mom?" Ven asked curiously as he jetted down the swirling stairs. "Jetted?" The word choice here is... unusual, to say the least. Who is this "Ven" kid anyhow? The actual story never specifies it, but Chapter Plot gives his name as "Vendaljous". What kind of name is "Vendaljous" anyhow? Our glorious family has sensible names like Benjamin, and Ann, and possibly Kenneth, not this "Vendaljous" nonsense. I refuse to acknowledge this twerp as my successor! Ann 10 forever! "I have no clue," the boy's mother replied, "Why don't you open it and find out." Why does she speak so flatly. Do you think she just doesn't care about Vendaljous. Why should she care anyhow. You know I certainly don't, don't you. Did you really think I might not. Shouldn't I be the one making fun of grammatical errors. When those words left her Ven ripped and teared at the box hoping it was a gift from his dad. Ven is clearly a mature-and-totally-not-self-centered-and-greed person who is highly worthy of being our protagonist. "Ven you'll break what ever is in side if you open it like that," Ven's mother stated smirking. Ven payed no attention to her and continued tearing with the remains flying all over the cozy sweet living room. I actually dislike these characters even more than I dislike most people. You know, we could kill them all and make me the star and nobody would mind. All Ven found was a small metallic ball, the size of baseball give or take few inches. "Give or take few inches"? Reduce the diameter of a baseball by a few inches and you're left with nothing; increase the diameter of a baseball by a few inches and you have something drastically larger, like a basketball or something. Ven put his hand through his ruffled orange hair, Character description: HE HAS ORANGE HAIR K. You know, when Anten is a more developed character than your protagonist, something is very wrong. And what exactly is that supposed to mean? Are you insinuating that I'm a flat and uninteresting character? No, no, I said nothing! and starred at the ball intently with his piercing green eyes ALSO GREEN EYES BTW 10/10 GRADE A DESCRIPTION FOLKS thinking he would be able to cut through the metal with his eyes. Ven soon began to grow bored with the ball What are his eyes supposed to pierce here, anyhow? He's staring starring at a ball. A piercing glare that nobody sees and that is aimed at an inanimate object and that gleans no useful information is not "piercing" by any means. And why would he think his eyes could cut through the ball? Is he insane? What makes him qualified to succeed me? I am totally disowning this kid. I HAVE NO SON GRANDSON UNSPECIFIED DESCENDANT! and just slid his left hand on to the top and the ball opened as if it was listening to Ven's mental commands. While the ball was still opening a blue object flew at an incredible speed and latched onto Ven's left wrist and surge of energy shocked Ven awake. Apparently, the ball didn't open while he was staring starring at it trying to slice it open with the power of his mind because he wasn't giving it a mental command to open, but it opened when he got bored and fell asleep because that somehow qualified as a mental comment to open. If this makes sense to you, you might actually be stupider than Ven. "What a weird dream," Ven said as he got out of bed. He looked at his left wrist and glowing it blue ominous aura was the watch that couldn't come off. "Guess not," he added sheepishly. Ven looked at his alarm clock and there it was starring him down was some pretty horrific news, he was about to be late to school. This kid wakes up to find a weird glowing blue thing on his arm that can't be removed, and the thing that catches his attention is that he's late for school? I can understand his selfishness earlier, since I don't care about most other people either, but this is just stupid. He doesn't even take the least bit of interest in his own status! How dumb can he be? He couldn't be late today, it was the day of exams. If he was late to the exams he would be put some loser team. Forget your exams! Forget this "team" thing, whatever it's supposed to be. You have a weird glowing blue thing stuck on your arm! That should be the only thing on your mind now! You are unqualified to be earth's chosen hero! Down with Ven! Anten for protagonist! He hurried on his clothes brushed his teeth He's in a huge rush, but he takes the time to brush his teeth? Let's recap this kid's priorities for a moment here: Top Priority: Brush teeth today. Missing even one day is unthinkable!Middle Priority: Exams.Bottom Priority: Figure out what that bizarre impossible-to-remove glowing blue thing on my arm is. and he was flying out the door. Before he knew it he was halfway but only had 3 minutes left. "What if this thing is like what Grandma Ann had on her wrist?" he wondered aloud. What!? There is no way that this brat is my grandson! Actually, that's quite literally true. Here's a quote from Chapter Plot: ...most notably Ann Tennyson. She sealed "Armageddon", as the beast soon came to be called, for far longer than any of her ancestors, and thus many generations of Tennyson's have lacked the skill to wield the power of the Omnitrix for centuries . Armageddon is stirring and his power grows by each passing day. It will be up to 10 Year Old Vendaljous "Ven" Tennyson... Apparently, "many generations" and "centuries" passed between the two of you, which makes it rather difficult for you to be his grandmother. (Which also raises another whole problem of this being supposedly set centuries in the future while being identical to the present in every way.) Plus, while it's not impossible for your children to have the Tennyson name, it's also less likely, and not the sort of thing that I would normally expect to see in a fanfic for a kid's cartoon. That just proves it. This stuff about me being his grandmother, or any other ancestor, is a total lie. This kid is just a crazy boy who dreams of being connected to someone as awesome as me. "Don't have much of a choice." He clicked the watch and slammed down. Transformation began, and Ven was growing taller, and leaner until he was practically as tall as a Basketball player, his skin became rubbery his eyes grew further apart and his tongue grew at least four extra inches longer and he became. [spoiler=[color=#006400]LEAPFROG[/color]] Well, at least it's not MSPaint this time. Hold on a moment! Ven was fascinated by the sort-of-maybe-baseball-thing, then paid no attention to the blue glowing thing that he couldn't get off his wrist, but now he suddenly decides to try and see if he can use it to magically transform... but only on the grounds that it might help him get to school faster!? No! This is all wrong! All of this is wrong! Nobody decides to suddenly try transforming their entire body purely for the purpose of going to school! What qualifies this lunatic to take Anten's place!? In one jump Ven, or Leapfrog, cleared the highest building and was hurtling towards the ground. "HOW DO YOU STOP THIS THING" Ven screamed. That's exactly why this was an idiotic idea. The green text in the story is not my fault. I'm just here to criticize the spelling and grammar. Or, to be more precise, I was until I found that every single sentence was horribly-written and just plain gave up on this terrible story. Leapfrog's muscles seemed to know how to work as when he hit the ground he coiled and stopped waiting for Ven to command it to jump. Wow this is easier than I thought Ven said in his head. Now lets see how high this bad-boy can go. No. Nobody talks like that. Nobody thinks like that. Nobody literate types like that. Ven jumped over building after building and he could hear the faint ring of the school bell. Just then Ven crashed onto the sidewalk of the school building. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP. Seriously, stop with the written sound effects. Wait, why are you saying so much now, The Professor Young Boy? I was too horrified to speak earlier. A flash of red light and Ven was Ven again. "Sweet," he said to himself thinking of the awesome ride he had just experienced . Ven ran inside and soon found his class, Sweet she's not here yet, he thought. No, seriously, I can't get over how pathetic this guy is. His reaction to transforming into a giant frog and leaping tall buildings in a single bound? "Sweet." His reaction to not being marked late? "Sweet." He ranks these two occurrences as being equally pleasing and interesting. I really can't accept this guy. He's unspeakably unworthy in every way. Ven sat next to his best friend, A.J. Levin, A.J was super strong and super fast, that was probably the only reason Ven wasn't picked on in his days of school. This seems to imply that Vendaljous is no longer in school, which seems to contradict minor subplots like Ven's quest to get to school on time. And by "minor subplots", I mean "the entire plot of this whole story thus far." At least this confirms that we're not alone in wanting to beat this kid up. This A.J. A.J person won't stop us. "Dude I got the best gift in the mail last night," he showed A.J the watch and told him how it changed Ven to something he thought was an alien."Dude that's awesome," A.J's eye's grew until I thought they would pop out of his head, "Now we'll definitely be on the same team." I still have no idea what this "team" nonsense is about, but more to the point, A.J. must be the most gullible person int he world if he's just going to accept this as true. Sure, it happens to be true, but why on earth would anyone believe it? This just caps off a story filled with nothing but, as Izzy and Anten have amply noted, characters saying and doing things that make no bloody sense at all. Combine this with major continuity errors (like the grandma-versus-centuries/generations thing and the fact that this is set generations forward in the future from a fanfic sent generations forward in the future from a show set in the present day but is still identical to the present day in every way), writing that is frequently technically wrong and always stylistically awful (The Professor Young Boy could have been the only reviewer and the review would still have been longer than it turned out to be, but that would be repetitive and less interesting), a laughable excuse for a plot, awful characters, and pretty much everything else you cold possible do wrong in a fanfic, and you have something spectacularly terrible. "SHUT UP," a lady about 5 feet tall walked in to the classroom. "Exam's are set to begin," she said looking at Ven smiling a sinister smile. TO BE CONTINUED......:d That's it; I can't take it anymore! You think you can try to continue my story, do you? I'll teach you a lesson. It's my turn! I'm continuing this story! And I'll help! Let's do this! Suddenly, the lady, who was actually twelve inches taller than Vandal-Jews had initially thought because he was distracted by pondering what a worthless person he was, came over to Ven and told him to hand her the glowing blue watch. The Omnitrix, having figured out by now how useless Van was, practically leaped off Ven's arm to go to the lady. Then the lady revealed herself to be Ann 10, true Defender of Earth, Guardian of Love and Justice, and immortal hero who remained in this world that did not deserve her presence for centuries because she, in her genius, had predicted that the Omnitrix would in the future fall into the hands of some impostor kid who pretended to be her descendant and who could never handle the power and responsibility. She reclaimed her rightful title and abilities from the shameful kid. Using her limitless skill, she fought her way into the big villain's lair and used her infinite goodness to convert him back to the side of truth, love, and justice. Her goodness quickly spread through the world and ushered in a new area of peace and harmony. The only person not affected was Ven, who was too fundamentally stupid, insane, and horrible to comprehend Ann 10's goodness. Of course, Ann 10 was too perfectly good to act violently toward this monster. Of course. So she had her friend Izzy kill him instead. Painfully. THE END Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted June 8, 2010 Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 I expected Crab to view this. Wanted to show him this. Although he couldn't do much about this. But he did. Next "unimportant" purpose to go Alien is to kick bully butt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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