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[Esplin 9466 Primary]

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[Dizzy~]

Scanning... Scanning... Konahamaru not detected D:

Anyway I like it.

[GenzoTheHarpist]

I see the lack of creativity in the title extended into the story itself.

[CarlinFan]

My first full review of a fanfic. Let's see how this goes.

 

I decided to right a fan fiction.

 

No' date=' actually, there's something very [/i']wrong about this already.

 

My friend said it was good but i need more than one opinion.

 

If you have any questions plz send them via PM, however i won't reveal any spoilers.

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1-Intro. Leaf and Whirlpool]

Knock, Knock. The Hokage looked up from her paperwork. “Enter!” She said.

 

The first dialogue of the story starts off with an unoriginal verb. This does not bode well.

 

Immediately Naruto, Hinata, Sakura and Shikamaru entered the office. “Good, you’re all here.” The Hokage said

 

Great...

 

as she stood up. “I have a mission for you four. An A-level mission in the whirlpool country.”

 

So the first block of dialogue in the story has a generic verb, poor capitalization, and an incomplete sentence. This is truly an ill portent.

 

“Whirlpool Village?” Naruto repeated.

 

No, Naruto, the Whirlpool Country. There's a teeny-tiny difference there. Maybe the severe head trauma Sakura inflicts on him throughout the series has led to short-term memory loss.

 

“Never heard of it.”

 

No, you haven't.

 

“Actually, Hokage-sama.” Sakura commented. “I think I’ve head the name before, but even I don’t know anything about it.”

“And for good reason. It was destroyed about 15 years ago.”

 

Naruto's mom is from the Whirlpool Country, and he was born 15 years ago. This is obviously just a coincidence, and this story isn't becoming painfully predicable only six lines into the first chapter... right?

 

Oh, and Tsunade apparently suffers from a unique mental disability preventing her from going five seconds without using improper grammar.

 

“Wait, why would you send us to a village

 

It's a country.

 

that was destroyed……” Naruto started, but was cut off by Shikamaru.

“Let me guess, it wasn’t really destroyed. Am I right?”

“You got it. They hated the Ninja war & closed themselves off from the others.

 

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Even though a country like the Land of Iron is able to avoid conflict simply by remaining neutral, the Whirlpool Country/Village saw fit to fake its destruction? Unless they're completely self-sufficient and unreliant on any form of imports or exports, this decision could devastate their infrastructure and economy for years to come. This obviously makes perfect sense.

 

The only village that knew the truth was the leaf village.”

 

Because when you're faking the destruction of an entire country (something that makes little sense in and of itself), you always want to tell somebody.

 

The Hokage took out a map

 

-_- Never have a plot point in your story depend on a broken link.

 

& placed it on the desk. “Even though it wasn’t really destroyed, it has been removed from all of the maps & history books, making impossible to figure out where it is located.”

 

Wait... so they edited some maps and then expected people to not be able to find an entire country? How is that supposed to work, exactly?

 

Oh, and Tsunade's mental disability strikes again. She really should get some help.

 

“B-but if we don’t know where it is then how will we get there?” Hinata said

 

Some variety, please.

 

quietly behind the other three.”

 

Random quote marks, poor grammar, and an incoherent plot basis. This story is already looking great.

 

Tsunade pointed to a spot on the map. “You will meet up with a four man ninja team in the port city of the Tea country. They will take you to the Waterfall village.”

 

Wait, so did the Waterfall Village somehow become magically involved in this or did the writer actually mix up the name of the centerpiece of his story's plot?

 

“A four man ninja team? Well how will we know who they are?”

“Here.” Tsunade handed a picture to Sakura. “These are the four ninja that you will be looking for. Now, are there any more questions? They wont give us any info about them”

 

So the Hokage doesn't understand basic punctuation?

 

“Well not that I care or anything.” Shikamaru said

 

*facepalm*

 

“But I’m curious as to why it was the four of us chosen to be on a team together. Even though we know each other, we don’t work together very often.”

 

Except for the Sand/Sound invasion. And the Sasuke Retrieval arc. And the Hidan/Kakuzu battle. And the Pain invasion.

 

“Actually, I’m curious about that myself.”

 

Anonymous dialogue should only be used when it's obvious who the speaker is or only two people are speaking. Let's hope this was a one time mistake, as it could severely compromise the coherence of the story.

 

“What do you mean? Aren’t you the one that chose the team?”

 

Apparently, it wasn't a one-time mistake.

 

“Not this time. I was surprised when I got the mission request. The letter asked for the four of you by name.” Tsunade handed Shikamaru the letter.

Shikamaru opened the letter & read it. “It’s true. It said ‘Please send the four ninja Naruto Uzumaki, Hinata Hyuuga, Sakura Haruno & Shikamaru Nara. Our sources say that these four will be able to work well with the selected waterfall ninja.’” Shikamaru passed the letter around & they all read it. “I don’t get it. You said that they have been cut off from the rest of the ninja world. I would understand them knowing about Naruto after everything he did, but how did they find out about the rest of us?”

“I don’t know.” Tsunade sighed. “But the four of you will leave in two days. I will be notifying the Tea country that you will be passing through. Go and get ready.”

“Right.” The four ninja said

 

O_o

 

in unison before leaving the office.

~~~~5 days later. Waterfall Village Gates~~~~

“Are you sure we can trust these leaf ninja.”

 

Wait... so did he state this?

 

A Boy said.

 

Oh, dear god.

 

He stood at 6’ 4” and had black hair And a ninja uniform.

 

Run-on sentence 'And' a capitalization mistake. Two for the price of one.

 

His headband had a spiral in the center. The waterfall hasn’t communicated with any of the other countries in over 15 years.”

 

Wow, no quote marks marking the initiation of dialogue. This story must have been painstakingly proofread to avoid any and all grammatical and literary mistakes.

 

“Dark, do you doubt my Honoku? Remember it is never been wrong.”

 

'Has'. It has never been wrong.The Waterfall (Whirlpool?) Village (Country?) obviously educated him poorly, likely because they couldn't import any schoolbooks since they faked their own destruction. Truly brilliant planning on their part.

 

Another of the boys said.

 

Oh, f*ck.

 

This one was slightly shorter with dark brown hair. He had the same headband as his comrade. His eyes had 3 rings surrounding each pupil

 

Of course. Because when you've already got a predictable plot full of inconsistencies, the first thing you want to do is add in a Gary Stu with the Rinnegan.

 

“You sure are full of yourself, aren’t you Arashi.”

 

This kid is very assertive when it comes to things he should be asking about. Again, definitely not a proofreading mistake.

 

Dark said

 

*headdesk headdesk headdesk*

 

in a snobbish tone. “Personally I don’t think your Honoku is all that great.”

 

Dark also apparently doesn't pause when it would be grammatically correct to do so. Perhaps he was in the same kindergarten class as the boy with the as-of-yet unexplained 'Honoku'.

 

“Was that a challenge?” The brown haired ninja said

 

*kneels, opens robe, and removes Tanto from sheath*

 

with a balled fist. “I’ll beat your ass any day.”

“When, the 29th of February?”

 

IZN'T HE CLEVAR?

 

Dark said

 

Seriously? You actually couldn't think of any other verbs than 'said'?

 

in a mocking tone.

 

You know, 'mocked' would have been a great verb to use there. It's amazing how closely the author manages to telegraph a descriptive verb and still use 'said'.

 

“Why you little….” Arashi started to retaliate, however he was cut off by an older woman with long red hair.

“Stop it, both of you!” The woman yelled as she pinched both of them in the head & knocked then

 

Them

 

to the ground. “Do I have to teach you guys another lesson?” She said raising a three pronged Kunai.

 

Distinctly NOT related to Minato in any way, shape, or form.

 

“No Kusina-Sensei!”

 

You spelled her name wrong.

 

The two boys said together in fear.

 

Stammered. Whimpered. Stuttered. Cried out.

 

They both put there arms

 

Protip: Proofread your story.

 

around each other in a friendly manner.

“We were just joking.”

“Yeah, see. We’re not fighting.”

“Good.” Kusina said

 

You spelled her name wrong again, and this time in the same sentence as you used 'said'. I honestly have no response.

 

as she put away the kunai. She knew that they were lying, but she knew it was torture to have to be nice to each other. “Lets go, we can’t be late getting to the rondevo point.”

 

Rendezvous point. Oh, and you forgot punctuation on "let's".

 

“Hold on, where’s Saiyuki?” Dark said when he looked around & noticed that there fourth member had not arrived yet.

 

Wait, so he's been there long enough to wage a full conversation with Arashi and he didn't notice that the fourth member of their team was absent? Perhaps the Whirlpool/Waterfall Village/Country suffers from poor collective intelligence, which would explain their truly brilliant plan to escape the war.

 

“She woke up late. She should be here in just a few seconds.” No sooner had Arashi said this had a white haired kunoichi ran up to them.

 

At this point it can be inferred that Honoku lends Arashi precognition. This is clear in the story's context, but a simple addition like "my precognitive Honoku" or "my future-seeing eye" could have saved the reader a lot of trouble. At least we can rest safe in our assurance that Arashi doesn't have the Rinnegan.

 

“Sorry I’m late. I woke up late.” The girl said panting for breath.

 

Gasped. Panted. Stammered.

 

When she stood up her eyes were black with a pupil that looked like a single white line, however they quickly turned in to a pair of normal, sky blue, eyes.

 

Perfect. So we have an arrogant cliche, the protagonist's mother, and not one but two dojutsu users all in one team. Next we'll find out that Saiyuki is Hinata's long-lost sister and Arashi is the son of Pain.

 

“Saiyuki, you shouldn’t be using your Naisoku so much. It wears you out.” Arashi said, his eyes turning to normal, dark brown, eyes.

Saiyuki looked directly at Arashi & her face turned slightly red. “Sorry, I didn’t want to keep you waiting.”

 

Here, the author displays a true mastery of subtle romantic cues.

 

“Your health is more important. We could have waited a few extra minutes.”

“Right, sorry.”

“Well now that that’s out of the way, let’s go.” The red head said.

 

I give up.

 

“I’m kind of exited.”

 

I've never been exited before. Is it anything like being excited?

 

“What are you so exited about?” Dark asked.

“Don’t you remember?” Saya

 

Wait, who?

 

said,

 

XD

 

cutting off Kusina

 

Kushina.

 

from answering the question. “She used to live in the leaf village, she probably wants to find out what has happened sense she left.”

 

This Saya figure must have been in the same class as Dark and Arashi, the one where they completely skipped over basic use of the English language.

 

“Oh…… I knew that.”

After a quick laugh the four ninja began walking to the meeting place with the leaf ninja.

 

 

 

Well, this was... bad. Poor grammar and punctuation, unoriginal characters (the arrogant brat who's obviously a ball of angst is actually named 'Dark'), and terrible word choice, all on top of a plot riddled with inconsistencies. I'd suggest closer proofreading to start with, though you might want to start by not using 'said' over a dozen times when there are innumerable verbs that could save you a lot of time. This needs quite a bit of work, but you're only one chapter in, so it can still be saved. I wish you luck.

 

In the meantime, I'd like to recommend "untitled" to Crab Helmet as a foe fic. It'll be interesting to see what he can do with this.

[CrabHelmet]

Mind if I give my opinion?

[Esplin 9466 Primary]

that is the entire point of me posting it.

The more opinions i get the bedder.

[CrabHelmet]

The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

Now that the doctors have released me from the hospital-

 

-and me-

 

-and me-

 

-and I healed myself without doctors' help-

 

-!!!-

 

-we can return to our regularly-scheduled self-inflicted torture. And I'm sure that's what we have in store for us today; this story was originally titled "(cant think of a name)", which I would comment on were it not for the fact that my doctors have instructed me not to rant about the gross lack of creativity needed to be unable to name things.

 

I know nothing about Naruto except that it involves generic shonen fighters who claim to be ninjas and am reviewing this blind, so I clearly have an extensive background knowledge that make me the perfect reviewer. But first, some opening comments:

 

I decided to right a fan fiction.

 

No, I can already tell that there's going to be nothing right about this fan fiction.

 

My friend said it was good but i need more than one opinion.

 

This is what bamboozles me. Visser's response to me requesting permission to do this was "that is the entire point of me posting it. The more opinions i get the bedder." On the one hand, remarks like these make it look like he's taking this fairly seriously and honestly wants to make a good-quality fanfic, but on the other hand, things like not even thinking of a title and the poor spelling and grammar that we've already witnessed make it seem like he's not even trying. I'm stumped, guys. My best guess is that he wants to have written a good fanfic but is too lazy to go through the work needed to actually make it good.

 

Of course, maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions and the story itself is astonishingly well-written even though the title isn't capitalized properly and arrived late and the author's notes wouldn't be accepted by a first-grade teacher.

 

But I doubt it.

 

Chapter 1-Intro. Leaf and Whirlpool

 

I should note that this is another of those stories that's a giant wall of text. I can't understand how people can look at this sort of thing and say, "Yup, this is good; this is readable; this is the quality final product I want to share with the world".

 

Knock, Knock.

 

Who's there?

 

A sound effect written out as if this were a script for an audiovisual television episode rather than a verbal story.

 

Interrupting Cow who?

 

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

 

The Hokage looked up from her paperwork. “Enter!” She said.

 

I swear, if the incorrectly-capitalized word after one of these quotes is ever "Said", I am going to kill off a side character.

 

!!!

 

Um, nevermind. I was joking. You can stop pointing your hand at me.

 

Immediately Naruto, Hinata, Sakura and Shikamaru entered the office. “Good, you’re all here.” The Hokage said as she stood up. “I have a mission for you four. An A-level mission in the whirlpool country.”

“Whirlpool Village?” Naruto repeated. “Never heard of it.”

 

No! No! Nobody said anything about "Whirlpool Village" except for the story's belated title! The Hokage didn't say that; she said "Whirlpool Country"! Naruto isn't repeating the Hokage's words! He's reading the author's mind! How can you not notice this discrepancy when the contradicting sections are literally two words apart?! This isn't the sort of continuity error you should be able to easily make! It's a really obvious problem that anyone will see if they actually read it! Did you proofread this at all?! What about your friend, who said this was good?! What looks bad to your friend?! How low are your friend's standards?! Or was your friend just saying that to make you feel happy even though your friend really knew this was awful?! That's the-

 

Calm down. Remember happy memories of love, and everything will be all right. Otherwise, you'll get high blood pressure and die.

 

“Actually, Hokage-sama.” Sakura commented. “I think I’ve head the name before,

 

Which name? The village or the country? At this rate, she's probably really referring to Whirlpool Island.

 

but even I don’t know anything about it.”

“And for good reason. It was destroyed about 15 years ago.”

 

SPOILER ALERT: It wasn't.

 

“Wait, why would you send us to a village that was destroyed……”

 

The Hokage never mentioned a village, you lunatic! Naruto's gone mad, I tell you! Mad!

 

Naruto started, but was cut off by Shikamaru.

“Let me guess, it wasn’t really destroyed. Am I right?”

 

Whee, I can call extremely obvious excuses for plot twists.

 

“You got it. They hated the Ninja war & closed themselves off from the others. The only village that knew the truth was the leaf village.”

 

I wonder how exactly a village can close itself off from the rest of the world. I must confess I am not familiar with the world's background, but I am having trouble imagining how anything described as a "village" rather than a "fortress" could close itself off. And how could they convince the rest of the world that they were destroyed? Word of mouth wouldn't fool people; they would need some sort of powerful illusion, though I don't know this setting's rules of magic well enough to determine whether that would be feasible. I also question why Leaf Village was permitted to know the truth. Does it specialize in powerful illusion magic that was needed to simulate Whirlpool Village's destruction? Or did Visser arbitrarily decide to provide it with that information for no in-universe reason for the purpose of progressing the plot?

 

The Hokage took out a map & placed it on the desk.

 

The word "map" contains a link to an image, but as of this writing, that link is broken.

 

Maybe the entire internet itself just saw the map and said, "No, the map that this story belongs with is unacceptably awful, and despite continuing to host 4chan I do have some standards," and then proceeded to delete it.

 

“Even though it wasn’t really destroyed, it has been removed from all of the maps & history books, making impossible to figure out where it is located.”

 

Removing all evidence of it from all writings in the world? No conspiracy, however large, could accomplish that, and if the village was doing all of this because they were tired of war and espionage, then a deception of this scale is impossible! That would require my level of magic to even come close to accomplishing!

 

“B-but if we don’t know where it is then how will we get there?” Hinata said quietly behind the other three.”

 

I've got my eye on you, "said". Don't even think about moving closer to that quotation mark.

 

Speaking of quotation marks, that stray one at the end doesn't belong there, and this isn't the only instance of such a stray quotation mark floating incorrectly in the middle of nowhere in this story. The level of proofreading is unacceptable.

 

Tsunade pointed to a spot on the map. “You will meet up with a four man ninja team in the port city of the Tea country. They will take you to the Waterfall village.”

“A four man ninja team?

 

I do happen to know that the Narutoverse is composed of teams of alleged-ninjas that invariably contain exactly three members, which explains why whichever unspecified character is saying this is surprised to hear that a team of four exists, but as a non-fan (which admittedly does make me outside the target audience), this line being said with surprise is hilarious.

 

Even with the four-is-death numerology, I'd have thought that more friends fighting together would be better.

 

All hail the power of friendship!

 

Well how will we know who they are?”

 

Um, maybe you'll recognize them by the fact that THERE ARE FOUR OF THEM, LIKE YOU JUST SAID IN THE VERY LAST SENTENCE WITH SURPRISE BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE TRAVELS IN GROUPS OF FOUR?

 

“Here.” Tsunade handed a picture to Sakura. “These are the four ninja that you will be looking for.

 

"You'll be able to see them because they're not terribly stealthy ninjas."

 

Alright, alright, I'll stop my anti-fanboy (foeboy?) complaining about how the ninjas in the Narutoverse aren't actually ninjas.

 

Now, are there any more questions?

 

Here's a question they should all be asking: "What's the mission?" They've been told there's a mission. They've been told it's for the four of them. They've been told it's A-level, whatever that means. They've been told it's in whirlpool country, and have received instructions for how to get to Whirlpool Village. What they haven't been told is what they're supposed to actually do on this mission, which seems to me to be a rather important detail to overlook.

 

They wont give us any info about them”

 

As an English professor, I must give credit here - a skim reveals that there aren't any misspellings in this story that MSWord's spellchecker would be able to pick up, with one exception near the end whose spelling Visser butchered so horribly that MSWord probably didn't have a clue what correct word to suggest. Spellchecking alone is indeed something mandatory that most Foe Fic authors fail to accomplish. However, spellchecking doesn't fix everything, and one of the many things it will miss is the result of attempting to type "won't" but dropping the apostrophe, as "wont" is itself a real and unrelated word.

 

“Well not that I care or anything.” Shikamaru said “But I’m curious as to why it was the four of us chosen to be on a team together. Even though we know each other, we don’t work together very often.”

 

Comment relating to how he should be asking about the purpose of the mission.

 

Comment relating to a team being composed of friends.

 

Comment relating to the power of friendship.

 

High-five!

 

“Actually, I’m curious about that myself.”

“What do you mean? Aren’t you the one that chose the team?”

 

Wow, the boss giving them instructions doesn't know the whole story and is receiving instructions from some other source that isn't terribly forthcoming! This would be an exciting twist if it weren't an absurdly overused cliché.

 

“Not this time. I was surprised when I got the mission request. The letter asked for the four of you by name.” Tsunade handed Shikamaru the letter.

Shikamaru opened the letter & read it. “It’s true.

 

"Tsunade didn't just tell us a pointless lie and then hand us proof that she was lying! I know it sounds crazy that this letter she just handed me to confirm what she said might actually confirm what she said, but trust me, I think it's true!"

 

It said ‘Please send the four ninja Naruto Uzumaki, Hinata Hyuuga, Sakura Haruno & Shikamaru Nara. Our sources say that these four will be able to work well with the selected waterfall ninja.’” Shikamaru passed the letter around & they all read it.

 

After Shikamaru read the letter aloud to them, he passed it around for them all to read individually. The conversation must have gone something along these lines:

 

Naruto: "I think they're both lying! Let me read it!"

Shikamaru: "Okay." *passes letter*

Naruto: *reads* "Why, it is true! How astonishing! Believe it!"

Sakura: "I don't believe it! I think all three of them are lying! Let me read it!"

Naruto: "Okay." *passes letter*

Sakura: *reads* "Why, it is true! How astonishing!"

Hinata: "I think they're all lying! Let me read it!"

Sakura: "Okay." *passes letter*

Hinata: *reads* "Why, it is true! How astonishing!"

Izzy: "Maybe you guys should trust your friends more?"

 

Also, I'm sure it seems perfectly reasonable to Naruto fans, but the phrase "waterfall ninja" also sounds silly to me.

 

“I don’t get it. You said that they have been cut off from the rest of the ninja world. I would understand them knowing about Naruto after everything he did, but how did they find out about the rest of us?”

 

My friends too often note that nobody has ever heard of them because I'm the star who does everything.

 

“I don’t know.” Tsunade sighed.

 

The pacifist village that doesn't want to be involved in ninja wars obviously has the best intelligence unit.

 

Because that makes complete sense.

 

“But the four of you will leave in two days. I will be notifying the Tea country that you will be passing through. Go and get ready.”

 

How are they supposed to get ready? You haven't given them any useful information; they can't have any idea what sort of preparations are necessary for this mission because no mission details were provided.

 

“Right.” The four ninja said in unison before leaving the office.

~~~~5 days later. Waterfall Village Gates~~~~

“Are you sure we can trust these leaf ninja.” A Boy said.

 

No question mark. "A" capitalized. "Boy" capitalized. Grammatical performance fails to meet expectations. See me after class.

 

He stood at 6’ 4”

 

Better that than 5'12'.

 

and had black hair And a ninja uniform.

 

I hope this section doesn't continue to have random words capitalized.

 

His headband had a spiral in the center.

 

And that's the entire character description: Height, hair colour, spiral thingy.

 

The waterfall hasn’t communicated with any of the other countries in over 15 years.”

“Dark, do you doubt my Honoku? Remember it is never been wrong.”

 

The dark-haired kid's name is Dark? What's his friend's name, Ninja Uniform?

 

I have to ask you a question, Visser: is English your first language? If it is not, then I really must inform you that the quality of your writing - "Remember it is never been wrong"? - does not meet accepted standards of readability and strenuously urge you to get yourself a proofreader-editor whose first language is English to clean up your work before posting it. If it is your first language, then stop being lazy and start writing in a way that wouldn't embarrass elementary-schoolers.

 

Another of the boys said. This one was slightly shorter with dark brown hair. He had the same headband as his comrade. His eyes had 3 rings surrounding each pupil

 

My eyes are mystical and unusual too! The difference is that mine take several paragraphs to describe, but yours don't even have their colours mentioned.

 

“You sure are full of yourself, aren’t you Arashi.” Dark said in a snobbish tone. “Personally I don’t think your Honoku is all that great.”

“Was that a challenge?” The brown haired ninja said with a balled fist. “I’ll beat your ass any day.”

“When, the 29th of February?” Dark said in a mocking tone.

 

This dialogue is- it's- I can't even- quick, someone, Izzy, take over for me, I really can't do this.

 

The 29th-of-February comment seems odd. It looks like the intent is to name a date that doesn't actually exist, implying that Arashi could never beat Dark, but instead he's naming a date that actually does exist, albeit more rarely than most, and so Dark seems to be acknowledging that Arashi could indeed beat him. As an expert in insulting people I don't have any particular affection for, I am severely underwhelmed by Dark's attempt at mocking here.

 

...okay, I think I've calmed down now.

 

“Why you little….” Arashi started to retaliate, however he was cut off by an older woman with long red hair.

“Stop it, both of you!” The woman yelled as she pinched both of them in the head & knocked then to the ground. “Do I have to teach you guys another lesson?” She said raising a three pronged Kunai.

 

Actually, I suppose this sort of dialogue is actually par for the course by the standards of shonen action series, even if the actual writing (like everything related to that "however") is shoddy. I suspect that I was rather overreacting.

 

“No Kusina-Sensei!” The two boys said together in fear.

 

Those of you who have seen me rant about this sort of thing a dozen times before can skip ahead over this bit.

 

When you're writing, in general, you want to allow the reader to draw sensible conclusions from the events you show and to resort to explicitly stating things as little as possible. Having shown things, you should then not redundantly state them.

 

For example, in this scene, Kusina has just threatened to hit the two boys with a three-pronged Kunai if they kept fighting, and the two boys have responded by calling off their fight and begging her not to hit them. Assuming that you're not writing for an audience of brain-dead morons (which may not be a reasonable assumption given that this is a Naruto fanfic), your readers can probably surmise from this that the two boys were probably scared of her.

 

Good writers will leave it at that. Bad writers will unnecessarily state that the boys were "in fear".

 

They both put there arms around each other in a friendly manner.

 

It's okay, you can call it a hug. Friends are allowed to do that, you know.

 

“We were just joking.”

“Yeah, see. We’re not fighting.”

“Good.” Kusina said as she put away the kunai. She knew that they were lying, but she knew it was torture to have to be nice to each other.

 

But apparently not torture as painful as being hit with a three-pronged Kunai.

 

“Lets go, we can’t be late getting to the rondevo point.”

 

This is the word I referred to earlier. The correct spelling is "rendezvous" - it's French.

 

If you don't know how to spell something and your efforts to determine how to spell it through resources like MSWord and the internet are failing, ask an actual person how to spell it, but if that fails, don't just leave the misspelled word in your story; instead, replace it with a synonym that you can actually spell correctly.

 

“Hold on, where’s Saiyuki?” Dark said when he looked around & noticed that there fourth member had not arrived yet.

 

Wait, Kusina counts as a member? I assumed she was their boss/teacher/person.

 

“She woke up late. She should be here in just a few seconds.” No sooner had Arashi said this

 

WHAT A COINCIDENCE

 

had a white haired kunoichi ran up to them.

 

Leaving aside the fact that the word "had" here is blatantly wrong, here's another fun instance of Description Equals Hair Colour.

 

“Sorry I’m late. I woke up late.” The girl said panting for breath. When she stood up her eyes were black with a pupil that looked like a single white line, however they quickly turned in to a pair of normal, sky blue, eyes.

 

I sense a rival in the contest for having the mostest specialest eyes in the world.

 

“Saiyuki, you shouldn’t be using your Naisoku so much. It wears you out.” Arashi said, his eyes turning to normal, dark brown, eyes.

 

Whee, another Japanese word I have no intention of learning.

 

Saiyuki looked directly at Arashi & her face turned slightly red. “Sorry, I didn’t want to keep you waiting.”

“Your health is more important. We could have waited a few extra minutes.”

“Right, sorry.”

“Well now that that’s out of the way, let’s go.” The red head said.

 

I had to scroll back up to figure out who was speaking here, since despite hair colours being the main form of description in this story I still couldn't remember whose hair was red, since I honestly coudn't be bothered to memorize these pathetic excuses for character descriptions tossed around emptily. (I had thought it was Arashi. It was Kusina.)

 

“I’m kind of exited.”

“What are you so exited about?” Dark asked.

 

I wish that I had kind of exited this story by now.

 

“Don’t you remember?” Saya said, cutting off Kusina from answering the question.

 

I always interrupt the person with the three-pronged Kunai, especially when that person is the one actually being addressed.

 

Incidentally, I'm guessing Saya is a nickname for Saiyuki, but having the narrator use it before any of the characters do is weird.

 

“She used to live in the leaf village, she probably wants to find out what has happened sense she left.”

 

Personally, I think that nothing that has happened makes any sense since she left.

 

“Oh…… I knew that.”

 

An ellipsis consists of three dots; add more and it just looks stupid. (Captain R's final scene is an exception. Shut up.)

 

After a quick laugh the four ninja began walking to the meeting place with the leaf ninja.

 

And thus we're finally done with this thing.

 

Regarding the writing... well, The Professor Young Boy said it all. If English isn't your first language, find someone whose first language is English to help you, and if it is your first language, the quality of your spelling and grammar is inexcusable.

 

As for the story - there isn't one. No, really, the plot here is so thin and generic that I am forced to question its very existence. The entire first scene could be replaced by four words - MISSON IN SECRET VILLAGE - and the entire second scene just introduced us to some poorly-described OCs with entirely generic personalities. I know it's just the first chapter, but that's still mighty little actually happening, and nothing innovative was introduced - which, given the original title, wasn't too surprising.

 

The story has a lot of negative attributes and nothing especially positive to recommend it - notwithstanding the use of MSWord's spellchecker, which should be a basic requirement rather than something notable. The story could be salvaged by improvement in future chapters, but it will indeed require improvement - the current level of quality is just too low.

[Esplin 9466 Primary]

....... what the funk?

 

Can you really consider that a comment?it's so f-ing long it hurts my eyes just looking at it

 

___

BTW. everybody seems to have a problem with the name i gave 'Dark'.

I took that character directly from another manga. It's called DNAngle. look it up if you don't believe me.

[Yankee]

Scanning... Scanning... Konahamaru not detected D:

Anyway I like it.

+1? No way you're serious o.o

 

At above: Read.

[Phantom Roxas]

....... what the f***?

 

Can you really consider that a comment?it's so f-ing long it hurts my eyes just looking at it

 

Apparently long breaks in paragraphs are a bad thing.

 

Kusina is such a blatant copy of Kushina it's not even amusing. In fact, why doesn't Tsunade even tell them what their mission is?

[CrabHelmet]

....... what the f***?

 

Can you really consider that a comment?it's so f-ing long it hurts my eyes just looking at it

 

You're the one who writes in a single wall of text without breaks; I'm the one who writes with blank lines between paragraphs' date=' between different speakers, and just about anywhere else they might be useful. Yours is far less easy on the eyes.

 

Besides, you were the one who said "The more opinions i get the bedder" [sic'] - all I did was give you opinions. Lots of opinions. The question is whether you're going to stick your fingers in your ears or whether you're going to improve your writing as you claim is your desire.

 

BTW. everybody seems to have a problem with the name i gave 'Dark'.

I took that character directly from another manga. It's called DNAngle. look it up if you don't believe me.

 

Oh, I see, you ripped the name "Dark" from another series. That completely dispels complaints that his name was unoriginal.

[Esplin 9466 Primary]

Kusina is such a blatant copy of Kushina it's not even amusing.

.... actually it was supposed to be Kushina.... i don't know how i spelled the name wrong, I copied it directly from naruto.wikia.com

 

In fact, why doesn't Tsunade even tell them what their mission is?

I didn't want to say anything..... but i haven't come up with an idea for the mission yet.

 

----

....... what the f***?

 

Can you really consider that a comment?it's so f-ing long it hurts my eyes just looking at it

 

You're the one who writes in a single wall of text without breaks; I'm the one who writes with blank lines between paragraphs' date=' between different speakers, and just about anywhere else they might be useful. Yours is far less easy on the eyes.

 

Besides, you were the one who said "The more opinions i get the bedder" [sic'] - all I did was give you opinions. Lots of opinions. The question is whether you're going to stick your fingers in your ears or whether you're going to improve your writing as you claim is your desire.

Actually i read some of your complaints & i have noticed a few that don't even belong.

[spoiler=Example #1-You dont know sheet about naruto]

 

I do happen to know that the Narutoverse is composed of teams of alleged-ninjas that invariably contain exactly three members, which explains why whichever unspecified character is saying this is surprised to hear that a team of four exists, but as a non-fan (which admittedly does make me outside the target audience), this line being said with surprise is hilarious.

 

-Guess what-

The 3 man teams are the genin. but there is a fourth member on the teams. there called the Jonin.

and if you ever watch the time skip series then you would know that EVERY team has 4 men.

So that cancels out that argument

 

 

I don't feel like naming the rest

 

 

BTW. everybody seems to have a problem with the name i gave 'Dark'.

I took that character directly from another manga. It's called DNAngle. look it up if you don't believe me.

 

Oh' date=' I see, you ripped the name "Dark" from another series. That completely dispels complaints that his name was unoriginal.

[/quote']..... i never said the name was original.

[Phantom Roxas]

How do you even copy the name Kushina and miss the "h"? The situation regarding her even being in this story is too stupid I'm not even going to bother.

 

If you couldn't even think of a mission yet, why would you even post this? Even Naruto isn't dumb enough to ignore the fact that they weren't even told what the mission is.

[Esplin 9466 Primary]

.... its not my fault the 'copy paste' didn't work.

 

And as for the mission..... i had plenty of time to think about a mission.

It's not like i was just gonna jump right in to the fighting in the 2nd chapter.

[CrabHelmet]

.... its not my fault the 'copy paste' didn't work.

 

Nope' date=' it's just your fault that you decided not to proofread; that you were too lazy to even type your story properly; and that you thought you could fool anyone with this "copy-paste failed" nonsense, since there's absolutely no way that copy-pasting worked perfectly except that it happened to drop one single character from the middle of the word being copy-pasted.

 

And as for the mission..... i had plenty of time to think about a mission.

It's not like i was just gonna jump right in to the fighting in the 2nd chapter.

 

When you're writing a story, you're supposed to build a coherent world, not just make nonsense up off the top of your head. Hey, want to know a solid, unquestionable reason why not having a mission in mind already was a bad idea? Notice how everyone here is complaining that sending alleged-ninjas off on a mission without giving the slightest hint as to what the mission entails makes absolutely no sense, and that their acceptance of this action is equally stupid? There's your reason why it's a bad idea!

[Esplin 9466 Primary]

.... its not my fault the 'copy paste' didn't work.

 

Nope' date=' it's just your fault that you decided not to proofread; that you were too lazy to even type your story properly; and that you thought you could fool anyone with this "copy-paste failed" nonsense, since there's absolutely no way that copy-pasting worked perfectly except that it happened to drop one single character from the middle of the word being copy-pasted.

[/quote']

Hey, if you don't believe me then that's fine.

But i have no reason to lie.

 

And as for the mission..... i had plenty of time to think about a mission.

It's not like i was just gonna jump right in to the fighting in the 2nd chapter.

 

When you're writing a story' date=' you're supposed to build a coherent world, not just make nonsense up off the top of your head. Hey, want to know a solid, unquestionable reason why not having a mission in mind already was a bad idea? Notice how everyone here is complaining that sending alleged-ninjas off on a mission without giving the slightest hint as to what the mission entails makes absolutely no sense, and that their acceptance of this action is equally stupid? There's your reason why it's a bad idea!

[/quote']

........ Ok, so i can't really say you wrong on this.

I have no excuse.

 

 

 

Just one question..... what the hell does coherent mean?

[CarlinFan]

Just one question..... what the hell does coherent mean?

XD

Suddenly this all makes so much more sense.

[Esplin 9466 Primary]

well im not sure about you people, but where i come from people are not expected to know words that they have never heard before

[CarlinFan]

Epic redundancy is epic. If you've never heard it, how could you know it?

And I'm saying that you not understanding the concept of coherence makes all of this much more sensible.

[Esplin 9466 Primary]

Redundancy?

 

Am i the only person on this F-ing site that doesn't spend all of his spare time reading a F-ing dictionary?!?!

 

 

How the hell did this thread turn in to a 'Insult Visser' Thread?!

[CarlinFan]

I'm not insulting you. I'm merely saying that the fact that you don't know what 'coherence' means explains a lot about the lack of it in the plot of your fic. No need to curse.

[Esplin 9466 Primary]

.... sorry, I'm very tired and 'Crab Helmet' is pissing me off.

 

So pretend that you're talking to somebody who graduated from a high school in the middle of the Gheto, and please tell me what 'coherence' means.

[CrabHelmet]

How the hell did this thread turn in to a 'Insult Visser' Thread?!

 

Well, first, you wrote a bad fanfic. Then people commented on your bad fanfic. Then you made insane responses involving your inability to come up with anything remotely creative and a conspiracy of copy-paste glitches to ruin your awesome story.. Then people commented on your insane responses involving your inability to come up with anything remotely creative and a conspiracy of copy-paste glitches to ruin your awesome story. Then you revealed that you have the vocabulary of an elementary-schooler and don't know how to look up what words mean WHILE YOU'RE ON THE INTERNET. Then people commented on how you have the vocabulary of an elementary-schooler and don't know how to look up what words mean WHILE YOU'RE ON THE INTERNET. Then I made this post. I forget what exactly happened after that, but it probably involved you saying something rather daft again.

[GenzoTheHarpist]

Actually i read some of your complaints & i have noticed a few that don't even belong.

[spoiler=Example #1-You dont know s*** about naruto]

 

I do happen to know that the Narutoverse is composed of teams of alleged-ninjas that invariably contain exactly three members' date=' which explains why whichever unspecified character is saying this is surprised to hear that a team of four exists, but as a non-fan (which admittedly does make me outside the target audience), this line being said with surprise is hilarious.

 

-Guess what-

The 3 man teams are the genin. but there is a fourth member on the teams. there called the Jonin.

and if you ever watch the time skip series then you would know that EVERY team has 4 men.

So that cancels out that argument

 

 

 

[/quote']

OK... that makes it even dumber that Naruto was surprised the team had four members.

[CarlinFan]

In the Sand Invasion Arc, they said that the best teams in terms of stealth and mobility are composed of four members. In the Sasuke and Sai arc, they used a team of four which was composed of 1 Genin, 1 ANBU, 1 Chunin, and 1 Jonin. Shinobi teams are almost always composed of four members.