Chuck Norris(Un)Official Discussion Thread

[~Riku~]

 

Go to google and type in "Find Chuck Norris" and click I'm Feeling Lucky. (I'm not even joking' date=' do this.)

 

[/quote']

 

I did this. EPIC.

[rhstanley3]

lol, if you want me to add even more, I have a ton.

[~Riku~]

TOTALLY!

[rhstanley3]

Here's some more.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't Tea Bag, he Potato Sacks.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

 

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

 

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

 

Once, Chuck Norris decided to have a sparring match with wolverine. In the heat of the fight, wolverine accidentally sliced of Chuck's left testicle. To this day it is known as Jupiter.

 

When Chuck Norris does Push-Ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down.

 

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

 

Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

 

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

 

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

 

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later. It was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

 

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

 

Pop-eye eats a can of "spinach" to get supper strong. This "spinach" is actually green rags soaked in Chuck Norris' beard sweat.

 

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living hell out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

 

 

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was

a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

 

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

 

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

 

 

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

 

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

 

The Manhattan project wasn't originally intended to be a project to make nuclear weapons, but in actuality it was an attempt to recreate the devastating power of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. It failed miserably.

 

The Trinity test wasn't caused by a nuclear weapon, as is the story known to the public. It was actually to test what would happen when Chuck Norris ate the ultimate bean burrito.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

 

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "NOBODY F'CKS WITH CHUCK!" Three years, five months, 2 weeks, 4 days, 6 hours, 34 minutes, and 48 seconds later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

 

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

 

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

 

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

 

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

 

When god created the heaven and the earth, he looked down upon his creation and said "HOLY SH'T, IS THAT CHUCK NORRIS?!"

 

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

 

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

 

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

 

When Chuck was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

 

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

 

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

 

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

 

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

 

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

 

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

 

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

 

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

 

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

 

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus

isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

 

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take crap from anyone.

 

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

 

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

 

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

 

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

 

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

 

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

 

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

 

Chuck Norris beat a muppet in a staring contest.

 

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

 

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

 

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

 

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

 

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

 

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

 

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

 

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

 

Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

 

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

 

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

 

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

 

Chuck Norris used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

 

Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

 

Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

 

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

 

In the early 70's Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a fight. With just one round house kick to the face, Arnold hasn't talked the same ever since

 

If you swallow a quarter and Chuck Norris round house kicks you in the stomach you will crap out two dimes and a nickel.

 

Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.

 

Chuck Norris can run a 3-legged race by himself.

 

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

 

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

 

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

 

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

 

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

 

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon

 

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

 

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

 

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

 

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

 

Chuck Norris stole the cookie from the cookie jar...and if you value your life, you'll let him eat in peace.

 

Champions eat wheaties for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats champions for breakfast.

 

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

 

If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.

 

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

 

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

 

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

 

When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

 

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

 

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

 

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

 

Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette, and the cigarette died of Chuck Cancer.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't need a watch. He decides what time it is.

 

Chuck Norris will NOT let go of your Eggo.

 

Chuck Norris can read your lips while standing behind you.

 

If Chuck Norris was Mexican, he wouldn't need to jump the border, it would move out of his way.

 

I think that's all the ones I have... I'll keep thinking...

[CarlinFan]

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... every single turn.

[rhstanley3]

lol, pwn

[Guest Random Dude]

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

[rhstanley3]

Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.

 

Chuck Norris was a founding member of The Urinators, a group of supermutants that kill unsuspecting victims by peeing acid on them.

 

When you hear a car alarm shrieking in the distance, always say "God Bless You Chuck Norris," or you could be next.

 

Fire does not burn Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris burns fire.

 

Chuck Norris thinks Full House is funny. No one has dared to question his opinion.

 

Chuck Norris can put out a fire with gasoline.

[Grunt Issun]

Of course full house is funny, and anyone who questions my oppinion questions chuck norris's

 

 

Anyway, these are all awsome facts, but there are some bad ones to

[六兆年と一夜物語]

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

 

Bruce Lee can do it in 2.

[CarlinFan]

Aizen can do it in one. Minato just has to look at it and wins by default.

[rhstanley3]

lol, carlinfan, minato doesn't win, he pwns xD

[CarlinFan]

Why not both?

[Guest JoshIcy]

Source: Listverse and Against All Odds: My Story by Chuck Norris

If someone were to ask you who the last person anyone should ever dare to mug is' date=' what name would be your answer? This lister is betting on 80% or better of respondents answering, “Chuck Norris.”

 

Amazingly, astoundingly, two idiots managed to try just that. It happened in 1994. Norris mentions this whole thing in his autobiography, “Against All Odds.” And, by his testimony, this is what happened. Honest to God, it really happened.

 

In 1994, right at the beginning of his run as Walker, Texas Ranger, Norris was, and still is, living in Dallas, Texas, where the show was filmed. One day he was walking down the street by himself, no entourage, no fans following him, no bodyguards, not even his wife. He turned a commercial block in the downtown skyscraper area and saw two men a little bigger than he coming straight for him from the other end of the block.

 

They were staring right at him, and he figured they wanted autographs, which he enjoys signing. So he walked up to them and stopped with a smile, whereupon they stood in front of him, whipped out a couple of large pocketknives, and one of them demanded, “Give me your wallet, Chuck! Give it here!”

 

Norris actually opened his mouth wide and then asked, “Are you insane!?”

 

“No! We know who you are! And we know you got a lot of money! Now give it up, or you’re dead!”

 

Now before we go further, let us just go over a few of the particulars. All jokes aside, Chuck Norris truly does have the following black belts: 1st degree in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, 8th Degree Grandmaster in Tae Kwon Do, 9th degree in Jeet Kune Do under Bruce Lee and Lee’s best student, Dan Inosanto, 10th degree in Shito Ryu Karate, 10th degree in Tang Soo Do, 11th degree in Chun Kuk Do.

 

Granted, the last art is his own concoction, a hybrid of all the best moves he has learned over the years, all blended for both self-defense and competition, and you are only allowed a 10th degree or better in anything when you found your own dojo. But suffice to say, the muggers didn’t even use guns. From a hundred feet away. They used knives within arm’s reach. What happened next was rather anti-climactic.

 

The police arrived about 4 minutes later, 3 officers in two cars, and were greeted by the scene of two men with SEVERELY broken arms (the bones had gone through the skin) sitting on the curb, two bloody knives in the gutter, and Chuck Norris, the Almighty Himself, leaning against the wall, wearing his beard, jeans, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat….he shrugged at them. The police started laughing so hard that they bent over, holding their sides, unable to put the handcuffs on the muggers. One of them managed to ask, “Did you not know who he was?!”

 

One of them said, “Yeah, we knew who he was! We figured all that crap on TV was fake!” [/quote']

[Guest Random Dude]

Wow I knew he was a master at several different kinds of martial arts, but holy crap. Chuck is a walking death machine.

[~Riku~]

http://www.mangareader.net/116-48371-16/full-metal-alchemist/chapter-105.html

 

He may be able to create a sun in his hand, but Chuck Norris can create Betelgeuse in his hand. Without even trying.

[rhstanley3]

rofl, epic riku xD I'll have to think up more facts to post on here. I'm going to comic con tomarrow, and it's gonna be epic >:D

[Grunt Issun]

Source: Listverse and Against All Odds: My Story by Chuck Norris

If someone were to ask you who the last person anyone should ever dare to mug is' date=' what name would be your answer? This lister is betting on 80% or better of respondents answering, “Chuck Norris.”

 

Amazingly, astoundingly, two idiots managed to try just that. It happened in 1994. Norris mentions this whole thing in his autobiography, “Against All Odds.” And, by his testimony, this is what happened. Honest to God, it really happened.

 

In 1994, right at the beginning of his run as Walker, Texas Ranger, Norris was, and still is, living in Dallas, Texas, where the show was filmed. One day he was walking down the street by himself, no entourage, no fans following him, no bodyguards, not even his wife. He turned a commercial block in the downtown skyscraper area and saw two men a little bigger than he coming straight for him from the other end of the block.

 

They were staring right at him, and he figured they wanted autographs, which he enjoys signing. So he walked up to them and stopped with a smile, whereupon they stood in front of him, whipped out a couple of large pocketknives, and one of them demanded, “Give me your wallet, Chuck! Give it here!”

 

Norris actually opened his mouth wide and then asked, “Are you insane!?”

 

“No! We know who you are! And we know you got a lot of money! Now give it up, or you’re dead!”

 

Now before we go further, let us just go over a few of the particulars. All jokes aside, Chuck Norris truly does have the following black belts: 1st degree in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, 8th Degree Grandmaster in Tae Kwon Do, 9th degree in Jeet Kune Do under Bruce Lee and Lee’s best student, Dan Inosanto, 10th degree in Shito Ryu Karate, 10th degree in Tang Soo Do, 11th degree in Chun Kuk Do.

 

Granted, the last art is his own concoction, a hybrid of all the best moves he has learned over the years, all blended for both self-defense and competition, and you are only allowed a 10th degree or better in anything when you found your own dojo. But suffice to say, the muggers didn’t even use guns. From a hundred feet away. They used knives within arm’s reach. What happened next was rather anti-climactic.

 

The police arrived about 4 minutes later, 3 officers in two cars, and were greeted by the scene of two men with SEVERELY broken arms (the bones had gone through the skin) sitting on the curb, two bloody knives in the gutter, and Chuck Norris, the Almighty Himself, leaning against the wall, wearing his beard, jeans, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat….he shrugged at them. The police started laughing so hard that they bent over, holding their sides, unable to put the handcuffs on the muggers. One of them managed to ask, “Did you not know who he was?!”

 

One of them said, “Yeah, we knew who he was! We figured all that crap on TV was fake!” [/quote']

 

My god!.....THOSE GUYS WERE THE DUMBEST FUCKS IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE! unless you try to mug bruce lee, considering Bruce lee taught Chuck Norris. Or did Chuck Norris surpass Lee yet? no probably not, not even the almighty can surpass the almightys teacher...for now.

[~Riku~]

Chuck Norris can recite pi backwards. And finish in time for lunch.

[michael91]

chuck norris can win a game of poker with a green number four from uno a 7 of clubs a joker and a monopoly get out of jail free card.

 

bruce lee beat chuck norris in way of the dragon to bad bruce died shortly after

 

chuck norris can eat only one lays potato chip

[Guest Random Dude]

Chuck Norris died a long time ago, the grim reaper just doesn't have the guts to tell him. At the same time Chuck Norris hopes that the grim reaper doesn't come to tell him because he will have to spend an afterlife with Bruce Lee.

[~Riku~]

The President lives in the White House, and Chuck Norris lives in the Roundhouse.