The duel *part one re-did*

[Lord Smeagle]

no way he would be so freaked out by a one-turn synchro summon. they happen all the time. so i made awesome sonic cards please check them out

 

Look, this gal/guy doesn't even know not to post attachments, or not to post cards in other people's threads, and even he/she knows it's bad.

 

Please...just no.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Well, I was asked to review this by your good friend nairb27 (I still don't get the name), so please bear with me. Let's get this Weather Report started!! (But really, it's funny how when a good reviewer decides to poke their head into the fanfic forum, they bring about five other reviewers with them. Am I included in this second (?) reviewer boom?!)

 

Before we begin, I'd like to raise a few valid points: So is this story about ONE duel? THE duel? So what happens after it ends? Is the story over? Is it building up to just ONE card game? And what's 're-did'? It's re-done! You did something again, maybe, but to 're-do' means to fix it! And why isn't your title capitalized? That's a problem, kid! We have a story about ONE duel without any great fanfare! Why would anybody want to read it, then? Make it cooler!!

 

[spoiler=episode 1 part one]

He was terribly exited to go to duel academy' date=' his brown air flowed in the windy breeze. Exited? He just left? He was terribly ejected forcefully (possibly) from a building because he was excited to go to Duel Academy, and a breeze whipped by, blowing in his hair? Wow, one sentence in and there's ALREADY a hilarious error. He was determined to win his entrance duel. Okay. The duel that would grant him a life of happiness. Alright. The duel that would grant him into the world of Duel Monsters. FINE, FINE, WE GET IT ALREADY!! UGH! HE WANTS TO WIN A BIG DUEL! GREAT! So can we get this duel over with so that the story ends? I have enough GX stuff on my plate as it is! He walked slowly into the entrance-exam-area. That doesn't look right. You need only one hyphen in there. Which one WILL you CHOOSE?! It wasn't indoors like normal, but he didn't questioned it. So he walked INto an OUTdoors area quite possible INside of a building? You never said that he was outside, merely that there was a breeze that assailed his hair, and that can happen anywhere inside of a huge, air-conditioned building! He kept walking until he saw the application table. Well THAT sentence is boring and clunky. Can we make it cooler?

 

 

“You there boy with the brown hair, you must duel me now. Call me the professor, young boy.” the instructor explained. What? Huh? I mean... what?! He walked up to a table and a professor (who was there for some reason, instead of a receptionist like usual) jumped up and began snapping at him, calling him a boy at every opportunity. Wh-where was the build-up to this?! What's this dude's problem?! Is he high?!?! He was very young, or so it seemed. Yeah, young... AND HIGH!! He had blonde hair in a wierd looking position almost that of a girl. Oh. So it's Crowler, ha ha ha... wait... hair positions?! HE HAS A PONYTAIL. JUST SAY THAT HE HAD A FEMININE PONYTAIL, DON'T GET ALL WEIRD ON US, PLEASE. “Get into positions and put on this Duel disk.” Don't you mean 'position'? Or else, what kind of positions could he be talking abou... oh no, please don't tell me you're making him a gay rapist.

 

“First," this young lad said, "I’m not wearing that piece of trash you call a duel disk, I have my own.” Oh yeah, Crowler didn't look young at all; he was a creepy man who appeared to be in his forties.GET IT RIGHT!! And also, if he doesn't wear a 'piece of trash called a duel disk', then why does he have a duel disk? He lifted his arm and showed the coal-black duel disk with crimson card slots. Yep, that's a duel disk. “And secound, What kind of name is Professor Young Boy, and you must be really old with that dialoge” he asked, "And i have a name Professor Young Boy, it's Bretton." First: 'secound' had BETTER be the British spelling of that word. Second: who even MENTIONED 'Professor Young Boy?!' Third: So why's Bretton an expy of Crowler now? You had me all confused! Now I'm sad because I yelled at you about what Crowler looked like, and now I'm MAD because the 'hair positions' gibberish STILL doesn't make sense, AND because you described him as Crowler, SPOT-ON. WHAT?! Bretton walked to his side of the duel-field. 'Duel-field' sounds dumb. Fix that. His blue jaket waving in the wind, while the trees rustled in there autum gown. Jacket. Their. Autumn. And since WHEN were their trees? Mention the trees sooner and spell these words right this time. Also, why has the main character said NOTHING to this point so far? Is he the main character of Pokemon Blue, Red, Green, Yellow, Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Diamond, Pearl, Platinum, the remakes and/or the spin-offs? Why hasn't he said ANYTHING? Did you forget about the protagonist and really like that Crow-Bretton, I mean? And why isn't there anybody else in this place? What kind of arena was within the trees? Why WERE they in a forest? Why doesn't this make sense, and why am I starting to cry?!

 

Awkward spaces for the win! “Okay Fine you may go first.” the instructor declared while walking into position. I spot a grammatical error or two! Also that sentence makes him sound like a robot. Can't your characters emote? They both drew there five cards into there hands. Breton, the kids name, drew a sixth card. (Breton 8000 instructor 8000) Heh, THEIR. Plus there's a double-space in here, and... OH CRAP!! The KID'S name is Bretton?! So why couldn't you make spaces between our quotes like writers do? Why is there a creep named Professor Young Boy? Why was this story written so horribly clunky in the FIRST place so that these stupid ideas would have to come to light?! Keep in mind that all Weather Reports are based upon first-impressions, so this means that while reading this for the first time, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND A SINGLE THING.

Duel Start

That's the most boring 'duel start' I've EVER read.

 

“I’ll summon Dragon Summoner Monk, in attack mode," there was a dark sound almost a deathly whail. Wail. Or whale, if you're talking about the animal. Also my computer is suggesting 'w hail'. Is that what you're trying to say? A fog eurupted from the ground mysteriously as laughing was heard. This isn't coming off as spooky or cool, just kinda dorky. Usually in the show the monster appears from a shiny light saying "NYARG". It isn't stylized OR special, just a waste of time!This monster apeared on the field in less then a minute. Appeared, and... wait, less than a minute? Don't they ALWAYS appear in less than a minute? Or are you just trying to say that Bretton the 'Voiceless' has a crappy duel disk that doesn't work? It's crimson claws glistened in the sun. It IS crimson claws?! The monster is made of crimson claws? What? It's body was like slime, black disgusting slime shaped into a dark spirit.-(atk/1100 def/200.)- Now what the hell kind of dragon-summoning monk is that? Black slime with red claws? Did you put any thought into that? "Next I’ll activate double summon and summon Boney Blader in Attack mode," Just like Dark summoner monk the ghostly mist apeared sending a shiver down the backs of the audience. IT'S NOT SCARY! It's made even LESS scary by the fact that the last 'Boney' I knew was a cute dog from the video game 'Mother 3'. And why can't you spell words like 'appeared' correctly? I mean, it'd be okay if you only screwed up a few words here and there, but you have errors strewn out across the board! Did you even look over this when you 're-did' it? Also; WHAT audience?! Where was this 'audience' that was so scared that a shiver went down their backs? You never mentioned even a THIRD character here! But this time it was not a song being played, nore a lymrick but a ghastly moaning. What song? What limerick? The last time a monster was summoned, a wail came out, and now there's a moan. What's the difference? And a limerick is a cool Irish poem of some sort! And one last note, music DOES NOT usually play when na monster is summoned. It's called BGM. A terrifying moaning sent a shiver of fear down the backs of hundreds of people. You just said that. Now standing on the field was a giant creature. Well what the hell kind of Bony Blader is that?! It was purple in color, a giant skull went straight down this monster's chest while two eyes were in the sockets.(atk/1500 def/200).- Should've seen it coming after that Dragon Summoner Monk. "Now I will Synchro them together and summon Moon-blade Dragon in attack mode" It's called TUNING them together for a SYNCHRO-SUMMON. Maybe there's no hyphen, I don't know, but you really screwed up there. A new threat emerged but a flash of light lit the room and in a less then a secound a menacing dragon took the field. 1. So a new threat? It's just a card. You can't say it's a threat and expect it to sound cool. 2. Was the beast inside the light? Or is the LIGHT the threat? 3. They're SUPPOSED to come out in less than a second. 4. So where'd the light go? 5. That had BETTER be the British spelling... The three-headed dragon stood there, with a white markings up and down its body, its wings were white and also had symbols up its back.(atk/2100 def/2500) Generic, boring, bland, unexciting. If it's Moon-Blade Dragon, then where'd the blades go? Where's the moon part come in? It's about as dumb as that Claw Reacher card from the first set... wait, no, it's as dumb as Flower Wolf. Nobody cares about it. "Now for every Dark attributed monster in the grave yard my card gains 500 Atk.(2100 adds 1000 equals 3100). Hows that one Prefessor Young Boy. I set one card face down and end my turn.” Why is everybody in this story a robot? Can't they ask questions or show fear or excitement?

 

"You think that scares me? Hey, a question! Well it doesn't. You are a pour What? He IS high... duelist I've been working here before you were in diapers. I thought he looked young. I summon one monster in defence That had BETTER be the British spelling... position, and place two cards face down.I end my turn and stop calling me Professor Young Boy! Wasn't that your name? Or was it Bretton?

“Hahaha that won’t work I activate Sanguine Swamp,-"

"No my dear boy your wrong i activate trap jammer, stopping your card!"

They just say they use the cards. They don't discard anything or nothing! What kind of game IS this, where monsters appear in excess of thirty seconds and you don't even have to flip up your cards?

 

SPAAAACE!! "Now I activate Pot of Avarice, sending my two dark monsterss to my deck and i draw two cards. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY, PUNK. (Dark Blade Dragon ATK 2100) Wait. You just ended your sentence! Fix that random 'and'!! and Play the spell card Mage power Capitalize please. on my beast giving it 500 ATK for every spell and trap I control. Now I play two cards face (Moon blade 2100 adds 2000 for 4100) Now attack that defense position monster.” This is boring. We don't see what effect the cards have on the field. Dull. in seconds his monster was blown to smithereens and broke in millions of pieces. I always wondered why they did that. Sadly, the attack had no graphic, meaning the card seemed to explode for no reason. It was funny to the two-man audience, though! It had no effect because it was Thousand eyes idol. What kind of idjit has THAT card in their deck for no reason?!?! I don't like you.

 

"Hahaha you've activated my trap, minor destruction, now i draw five cards and for each monster in the cards I draw it does 500 damage." Excuse me for this stupid exclamation, but... WTF?! the instructor drawn ? his cards and 2 were monsters, so breton took 1000 damage. That sentence is ugly. Learn how to fix it, I'm not telling. (Bretton 8000-> 7000) A dark aura gathered around Breton as he took the damage, and quikly went away after his lifepoint counter went down to 7000. Sadly he didn't make any movement or indication of unwellness, so the professor was quite disappointed.

 

“Fine Professor Young Boy, I sacrifice my Moonblades and discard my whole deck and you take my monsters Atk points as damage times 2 (Breton 7000 Instructor 8000-8400=0) RETARDED. YOU FAIL AT GAME FOREVER. PLEASE COME BACK WHEN YOUR IDEAS ARE MORE BALANCED. The dragon bursts a ball of black fire at the instructor and as it soard toward the instructor, he doged out of the way but still took damage. Bleh. He landed on his duel-disk and almost broke his arm. Ha, he deserved it! Wait, no he didn't.

Duel End..... Hooray! Now we can all go home, The Duel is over!!

 

 

 

I'm sorry, but if this has already been re-done, I can't imagine that you've fixed anything that matters. I can't give you any encouraging words, since you've shown that you can't do anything to make this better. Please use this to learn from your mistakes.

[Brinolovania]

Yes, I asked. I figured this needs another review. Sorry blackhawk.

[Takashi125]

Man you guys are destroying this poor sap... LMAO!

[Yankee]

At least he is trying to improve. Given enough time, I think he can make this good ^_\\\

 

Much better than the quitters...

[DARKPLANT RISING]

True...

 

Anyways, I don't like this story. But YCM isn't just Fan Fiction, you'll have no problem in the other sections.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Yeah, it's also a virtual card maker! I was blown away when I realized we had one! It's disappointing how long it took me to find that out...

 

On to more on-topic notes, I think that it was still a great experience to read this/write this story. Who else could have come up with "Professor Young Boy"? Even I can admit that the name has already improved my life.

[Yankee]

^ And with some assistance, Jaden Von Browhair was founded ;)

[Dr. Cakey]

It's a pity Professor Young Boy died. He had such a full life ahead of him, and even in his old age he could cause minor destructions like no one else. (c get it cuz they sed he wuz young but then he wuz old)

[Grunt Issun]

wow, copying exactly what all your critics say to try to make it funny...didnt work

 

Seriously

 

I thought of it when I saw it

Resonating thought of it

Crab helmet thought of it

a bunch of others thought of it

 

HE COPYED IT (I CALL PLAGERISM), AND FAILED AT MAKING IT SEEM FUNNY