Digimon restoration

[masterduelist7]

hey peeps, i had a great idea for a story so here it goes.

 

the digidestined from season one will have to face new threats, it takes place between season 1 and 2. but are these threats ok to destroy, when they may not be as dark as we think.

 

 

[spoiler=chap 1]

it was write after the digidestined had defeated apocolymon and gone back to their world. peace had prevailed in the humman and digital world it seemed to them so were they needed anymore? that's what they thought, at least.

 

izzy was looking at his computer just typing away when suddenly he had received a new email. he was shocked. It was from jennai who had given them much guideness in in the adventures they'd had. he could see or at least imagine the old man's face as he read the letter.

 

the letter was just a picture of jennai, but it started talking to izzy, "how are you doing now that it's been a year away from your partners?"

 

"everthings doing great" Izzy said back and jennai heard him, "why have you called us?"

 

"I'm afraid things aren't going as great as you think!" jennai replied "when apocalymon destroyed your crests you were able to summon enough power from withing yourself to use their power anyway."

 

"yes and we saved the world that way, " izzy said he was confused why this was a problem.

 

"well" jennai said "it turns our those crests were necesarry for the fabric of the digital world. the weather in our world has changed all over and natural disasters are being created. i predict the digital world may be torn apart if these are not corrected."

 

izzy was very worried about this and said "jennai how can we help to fix these problems, I have friends there!"

 

Jennai just looked sad and said, "do you remember we told you about the digidestined before you who sealed away and evil as great as apocalymon? We in the digital world never knew where they went so we assumed they had weant back to the world of humans. but i think they never left at all. we have been hearing about dark and unhappy beings roaming our world, who are humans who have resided here so long they started to become digimon themselves! I think they may be one and the same"

 

"that's astounding" izzy yelled back, he had no idea that a human could become a digimon, "but what does this have to do with those disasters?"

 

Jennai continued "the disasters were caused by the lack of your crests with positive virtues. these digidestined used to have crests off their own just like yours, but their virtues must have been corrupted if they turned evil. if you can recover those crests and restore them with your own virtues, the balance will be restored. however those beings if they are so corrupted may not want the world to be saved. you may have to fight them."

 

"how could we fight them, they are humans just like us" Izzy asked. He didn't want to have to kill, even digimon who reincarnated right away he felt bad about, humans were another thing entirely.

 

"I know and hopefully it will not come to that, now please I have sent these messages to the other digidestined, but you must start calling them together, i have worked with important beings here to arrange for you to be brought here once again." Jennai finished, and the message ended..

 

"I won't disappoint your, we will meet and stop this" Izzy said to himself as he picked up his phone to start diling.

 

 

back in the digital world jennai was looking out his window. it was raining and it had been raining for days where he was from the environmental disturbances, he knew the fludding would start soon. But he knew that things would be set right by the digidestined soon, until he felt a pat on his shoulder and turned.

 

A tall person was grabbing him, his face couldn't be seen because he wore a large straw hat, and a blue and white cloak, the flesh of his hand was a pale blue like a body left out in the rain and cold for too long. he held a ringed monk staff in his right hand which wasn't touching jennai, and said "so, planning on gathering some humans to stop us... no human or digimon will survive the events that will some soon jennai, sorry to say."

 

the old man jennai couldn't fight, he leaped from his chair and tried to run away, but before he could the man lunged and staabbed him with the spike on the tip of his staff, gennai gasped and then there was darkness only for him.

 

 

[Phantom Roxas]

Learn to capitalize. That greatly hinders this story. Proofread!

[GenzoTheHarpist]

A run through spellcheck as well is seriously needed.

[CrabHelmet]

Mind if I give you my opinion?

[masterduelist7]

Mind if I give you my opinion?

 

sure why not.

 

chapter 2 will be up in a moment' date=' so maybe get that one two.[hr']

[spoiler=chap 2]

The day after izzy had heard about their new quest from jennai, he had gathered up all of the digidestined together in short order, he had matt, sora, mimi, tai, and the rest of the gang all together to go and leave for their new adventure. They all went to the place he had agreed upon with gennai, and izzy’s laptop confirmed with a the direction gennai had e-mailed them.

 

They all raised their digivices and felt a mysterious energy enveloping them, it felt like when you haven’t eaten anything in a while and you get a sharp feeling in your mouth when you do. But all over their bodies. And they went careening into the sky. Soon they found themselves in the digital world because it wasn’t all that different from when they were first pulled up. Their digimon were all there waiting for them which made them excited.

 

Tentomon looked at izzy and the others matched up, izzy said “we were called here by jennai to correct the natural disasters, is it true that that is what is happening.”

 

“oh yes, they are really awful” gatomon yelled, “even myotismon’s castle got destroyed by an earthquake, good riddance though. I never liked that place at all, it was awful living there.”

 

“you have no idea how bad things are here, “ Tentomon said, “a month or so after you left we had a volcano, at first we thought it was one thing but now everything’s changed everywhere, and always for the worse. Thankfully this is the one nice place left it seems”, and it wwas true, where they were standing the grass was green, the sun was shining, and the ground seemed stable enough.

 

“we’re supposed to be finding humans who are kind of like digimon, do you know anything about this old buddies?” tai announces to all the digimon, they were panicked at this request and their minds became darkned.

 

“No, we’ve never heard of anything like that” palmon said, “but I did see a strange person walking around once, I couldn’t see what he looked like because he had a cloak on, but he didn’t look like a digimon to me” he was very worried

 

“ I’m sure we’ll find them, but how about we go over to gennai’s place for further advice, that would be prodigious” izzy said and he said “alright, we can get there by flight!” And he held up his digivice and tentomon digivolved into the giant blue insect kabuterimon, then into the even bigger red megakabuterimon, they got on his back,

 

“all aboard the digimon express” megakabuterimon said, as they flew over to the server continent, it took a while but they didn’t get tired and they found it was pouring when they got there,

 

“what a time for me not to wear a raincoat or bring an umbrella” mimi said to the other because her long hair was getting drenched and wet. The rain just wouldn’t stop, but they got to gennai’s house soon enough, they were able to enter and when they got in they were surprised.

 

The room that was more like almost a little viewing dome, they expected to find gennai there but they didn’t see anyone, but then they looked around and mimi screamed, the others came and found her and they saw that gennai’s body was there as well, dead and bloody.

 

“oh no!” izzy said, but then he thought “shouldn’t his body have become data like digimon? There’s something strange here.” There was a note clutched in jennai’s hand. Izzy grabbed it and read it outlowed.

 

“It says, I’m sorry digidestined… got to my computer, open the file labeled last will.” Izzy read, he went over and he read the file and opened the file. It was a readable document, he read this one out loud as well.

 

“this message has been dictated so you will know what happened. I was attacked by an intruder, he left thinking I was dead but I was able to hand on long enough to dictate this message. My attacker was I’m quite certain one of the corrupted humans I told you about. He seems to be very powerful because he could move faster than I could see, and he definitely did not want you to come here. His skin was blue and he wore a blue and white cloak and straw hat, and carried a shakujo.”

 

“that’s like the person I saw!” palmon gasped, amazed that the two might have been one and the same, izzy continued on reading.

 

“I believe he may still be on this island because I have left many devices here, and he will probably be looking to destroy them as they have helped to keep the stability of this world under control without the crests. Even now he may be searching for them and destroying them as we speak. Another thing that you must learn, there were only five original digidestined, but for their crests to be your inverses there must be at least eight members. The secret of the remaining three may be needed to understand their powers and motives. And now, I can write no more. Goodbye forever.” Izzy couldn’t help but cry when he finished this letter, and the other digidestined had to hold back their sorrow, they had to be strong or else gennai’s death was futile.

 

“those evil hybrids, we’re going to have to get rid of them before they cause anymore harm!” tai yelled, and the others agreed. They were about to set off on their greatest adventure of all.

 

 

[CrabHelmet]

The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

For your reading pleasure, Captain R has been barred from my writing studio, so his red text will not plague this review. You can put down the .gifs of a crab jumping over a shark. And, yes, blind review, et cetera et cetera.

 

Let's go!

 

it was write

 

The word you're looking for is "right", though already I can see that nothing here is right.

 

after the digidestined had defeated apocolymon and gone back to their world. peace had prevailed in the humman

 

Reading this makes me feel like I'm reading Half-Life Full Life Consequences and its details of the trials of "humens".

 

and digital world it seemed to them so were they needed anymore? that's what they thought, at least.

 

THEY THOUGHT WRITE RIGHT WRONG

 

izzy was looking at his computer just typing away when suddenly he had received a new email. he was shocked. It was from jennai who had given them much guideness in in the adventures they'd had. he could see or at least imagine the old man's face as he read the letter.

 

For your comparing pleasure, the first line of Half-Life Full Life Consequences is as follows:

 

"John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went."

 

Now, I'm not saying that this story is actually deliberately copying a Trollfic that was written to be awful on purpose. All I'm saying is that the two begin very similarly, except that the deliberately-awful Trollfic has better spelling and grammar.

 

the letter was just a picture of jennai, but it started talking to izzy, "how are you doing now that it's been a year away from your partners?"

 

"everthings doing great" Izzy said back and jennai heard him, "why have you called us?"

 

Email does not work that way. Maybe it's acting oddly here to show how awesome Jennai's technology is, but even then it's still stupid, because it seems that everything Jennai can do VIA ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY is, um, make a homebrew Skype.

 

"I'm afraid things aren't going as great as you think!" jennai replied "when apocalymon destroyed your crests you were able to summon enough power from withing yourself to use their power anyway."

 

"yes and we saved the world that way, " izzy said he was confused why this was a problem.

 

So much of this is terrible that I'm not even sure what to complain about. Should I object to the characters telling each other things they already know for the purpose of providing exposition to the audience, which my drinking game ranks at two sips? Should I object to the narration explicitly telling us that Izzy was confused when this should be extremely obvious from his words? Should I object to the spelling and grammar being so shoddy as to embarrass a kindergarten student? I'm suffering from a massive squirrel-in-headlights effect here; there's so much to complain about that I don't know where to start.

 

"well" jennai said "it turns our those crests were necesarry for the fabric of the digital world.

 

OOPS

 

the weather in our world has changed all over and natural disasters are being created.

 

Not to be confused with the decidedly unnatural disaster that is this story.

 

i predict the digital world may be torn apart if these are not corrected."

 

izzy was very worried about this and said "jennai how can we help to fix these problems, I have friends there!"

 

Apparently, if Izzy didn't have friends there, he would have simply let an entire world full of sentient beings die because he didn't know them. That is all you need to know about Izzy.

 

Jennai just looked sad

 

Jennai was sad because the entire world was going to collapse and die.

 

Crab Helmet was sad because this story's author apparently has the emotional depth of a brick.

 

and said, "do you remember we told you about the digidestined before you who sealed away and evil as great as apocalymon?

 

This sentence is one of those beautiful points where this story crosses the line from "This sentence is painful to read" to "This sentence is too horribly corrupted to even be readable; I can't even tell what you're trying to say here". I'm guessing that "and" is supposed to be "an", but I'm also guessing that this story was supposed to be good.

 

We

 

Wait a minute, what's this capital letter doing in this story? Was this sentence ghostwritten?

 

in the digital world never knew where they went so we assumed they had weant back to the world of humans. but i think they never left at all. we have been hearing about dark and unhappy beings roaming our world, who are humans who have resided here so long they started to become digimon themselves! I think they may be one and the same"

 

Is there a Spellingmon or something who can teach these people?

 

"that's astounding" izzy yelled back,

 

Izzy's not actually listening to Jennai. He's just suddenly realized that he's in a terrible fanfic and is astounded by how bad it is.

 

he had no idea that a human could become a digimon,

 

The author is careful to inform us that Izzy responded to this unprecedented revelation with "that's astounding" because he was astounded and did not expect that unprecedented revelation. Besides my meta-theory that he's realized how bad his story is, I'm having trouble telling what other alternate explanations this line is supposed to rule out.

 

Yes, I know it's silly to not expect idiotic redundancy in a story that looks like it was originally written in crayon on the back of a children's menu, but it's far more useful to point out mistakes like this, since this is the sort of thing that all of YCM's writers do, rather than harping forever on the overall terribleness of the whole story, which a first grader can see without my help.

 

"but what does this have to do with those disasters?"

 

Well, it was mentioned in one of those disasters posted on YC- oh, you mean the weather problems.

 

Jennai continued "the disasters were caused by the lack of your crests with positive virtues.

 

Or by the lack of masterduelist7'z positive virtues with regard to writing.

 

This story is just so awful that the only way I can really do its awfulness justice is to interrupt after every line to emphasize how terrible it is. There's really no other way to properly indicate just how bad this story is. Bear in mind that, amidst all of the problems that I've pointed out or have been too horrified to point out in my running commentary, bear in mind that the entire story so far is pure, undiluted exposition. Absolutely nothing else is happening.

 

these digidestined used to have crests off their own just like yours, but their virtues must have been corrupted if they turned evil. if you can recover those crests and restore them with your own virtues, the balance will be restored. however those beings if they are so corrupted may not want the world to be saved. you may have to fight them."

 

In short: "Use the power of heart to restore goodness! :D :D :D Oh and also use violence. :D :D :D"

 

"how could we fight them, they are humans just like us" Izzy asked. He didn't want to have to kill, even digimon who reincarnated right away he felt bad about, humans were another thing entirely.

 

In Chapter 3, Izzy is converted to Buddhism and his misgivings evaporate.

 

"I know and hopefully it will not come to that, now please I have sent these messages to the other digidestined,

 

Why is "I" being capitalized now? Did masterduelist7 suddenly stop while typing and say, "No, you know what? I can do better than this, I can type better than this," and decide to capitalize the letter "I" twice before getting bored and saying "Screw it, I'll just continue mashing the keyboard with my face and throw it up on YCM, it's good enough anyhow"?

 

but you must start calling them together, i have worked with important beings here to arrange for you to be brought here once again." Jennai finished, and the message ended..

 

But will the fanfic end?

 

"I won't disappoint your, we will meet and stop this" Izzy said to himself as he picked up his phone to start diling.

 

Phones? No more email=based homebrew Skype clones?

 

back in the digital world jennai was looking out his window. it was raining and it had been raining for days where he was from the environmental disturbances, he knew the fludding would start soon.

 

Those aren't raindrops. Those are my tears. And the flooding has already begun.

 

I know I'm not being terribly constructive in this riffing, spending an unprecedented amount of time asserting that the story is the worst thing in the world rather than deconstructing its flaws, but you know what? I honestly don't care. If you can't just glance at this story and see just how much is wrong with it and how awful it is, then nothing I can say will change that. My commentary can't cure stupidity that strong, though it has been known to eliminate swine flu.

 

Here's a good heuristic when it comes to writing stories: ask yourself whether it would be accepted as a writing assignment by your first grade teacher. If the answer is "yes, it would", then it might still suck, but it will at least pass some minimal level of readability. But if your story is so awful that it doesn't even recognize the existence of capital letters, and the answer to that question is "no, it wouldn't", then don't post it! Delete it, or don't write it in the first place! If you have a hard copy, burn it! If your first grade teacher wouldn't be willing to accept it, then I don't want to see it. And if you aren't old enough to have had a first grade teacher and answer that question, you should probably consider waiting until English actually becomes a subject in your school to try your hand at posting stories on the internet, because this trash is the inevitable result.

 

But he knew that things would be set right by the digidestined soon, until he felt a pat on his shoulder and turned.

 

Somehow, that pat on his shoulder made him lose the knowledge that things would be set right soon. If you haven't recently been lobotomized, that probably doesn't make much sense to you, but that's what this sentence says. This is what happens when you try writing sentences but aren't actually literate - you get nonsensical garbage.

 

A tall person was grabbing him, his face couldn't be seen because he wore a large straw hat,

 

Why do people insist on writing their third-person omniscient narration as if it's a transcription of a video camera filming the scene? That Western-themed Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic was the other egregious example, but it crops up a fair bit with people writing that things can't be seen because of shadows or whatever. Instead of saying they can't be seen, don't describe them! Written words are not supposed to be a direct substitute for visual media; they have different conventions, and this is one of them. You don't need to add random hats to hide information from the readers that a camera on the scene could see; you can just not say anything.

 

and a blue and white cloak, the flesh of his hand was a pale blue like a body left out in the rain and cold for too long. he held a ringed monk staff in his right hand which wasn't touching jennai,

 

You want to know something terrible? This description here is better than the description found in half the Foe Fics I've reviewed. That's right, YCM, masterduelist7's terrible story is actually better than you in one respect. YCM, you should be ashamed.

 

Speaking of which, here's an interesting experiment for you all to try that should prove I'm not being unduly harsh. Set aside these two lines of half-decent description for a moment. Now, tell me: what is worse than this? What sort of fanfic is actually even worse than this one? How could this possibly be any worse than it already is? What is worse than this?

 

Without resorting to absurdities like "Cat dances on keyboard and makes post of random character strings", I can't answer that question. This is about as bad as Foe Fiction gets, ladies and gentlemen; nothing is worse than this.

 

and said "so, planning on gathering some humans to stop us... no human or digimon will survive the events that will some soon jennai, sorry to say."

 

"that will some soon"? I'm guessing "some" is supposed to be "start", but how on earth do you mix up those two words? They only have one letter in common. They're not even the same length. Is this some sort of joke?

 

the old man jennai couldn't fight, he leaped from his chair and tried to run away, but before he could the man lunged and staabbed him with the spike on the tip of his staff, gennai gasped and then there was darkness only for him.

 

And so, with the spelling of jennai/gennai's name thrown into question, I can finally stop reading this abomination.

 

Look, masterduelist7, I don't mean to be rude, but everything about this story is unspeakably awful and you are a colossal moron who should be ashamed of yourself for posting this monstrosity. (Actually, I do mean to be rude.)

 

I may have been less constructive this time than in my previous thirteen criticisms of bad stories, but it doesn't matter. You're not looking for constructive criticism. You don't care about your story quality, or about your readers, or about your story in general, or about anything at all. You made your decision way back when you decided that the shift key was for losers and that the rules of spelling and grammar were more like guidelines jokes. I don't need to make constructive criticism here because you're not going to take it anyhow. If you cared enough to take criticism, you would have cared enough to start your sentences and proper nouns with capital letters and to run your story through a Microsoft Word Spellchecker, at the very least. And until you decide to take the five minutes to fix those fundamental problems, you'll never get anywhere.

 

Don't get me wrong; your story does suck too. It's a wall of exposition that amounts to a simple "Here's the new corrupt bad guys who need to be defeated and healed with friendship and the world is on the line K?", and Izzy's reaction being conditional on some of his friends being among the countless victims makes your version of him an awful protagonist. But until you're willing to type like an animal without a tail, things like cliché plot, sociopath "heroes", and walls of exposition don't even register on your list of story-shatteringly terrible problems.

 

Thanks for the invitation to review yours, but I have better things to do, like driving iron spikes through my kidneys. Feel free to come back once you've passed kindergarten and have learned how words and sentences work.

 

And before you try the classic saving throw, don't even bother trying to claim that this story was a satire or some similar LOL JK GUYZ nonsense. It doesn't work. If you don't want to be awful, then fix your awfulness; don't try the cheap (and completely unsuccessful) way out of pretending that your terrible story was actually a joke or anything equally stupid.

[masterduelist7]

you know what, your right. i can do better than this. i don't need to look like a fool, i can right a story of substance. i'll try harder from now on. thanks for the advice.

 

[spoiler=chap 3]

The digidestined found some rain wear in Jennai's house, fitting them perfectly. "Jennai must have had this here because he knew we'd show up for him." Matt said, slipping on a taught yellow raincoat over himself. Nobody said anything, but just hung their heads in silence at the mention of their former mentor.

 

"How are we even going to start?" Tai said with exasperation, "we don't know a thing about these villains. Isn't there any more we can find out?" He looked around and didn't see anyone moving to answer him, save Izzy who was clicking away on Jennai's computer.

 

"Looks like he couldn't find out much either," Izzy said while still gazing into it, "there's research files on here but none of them look like they've gotten much past the starting point. Nothing that would give us useful advice on how to take down these creeps."

 

"So we haven't learned a thing." Matt said angrily, "what's the good of coming here if we can't even help!?"

 

"We're not quite in the dark, Matt," Izzy replied back distractedly, "there's a layout here of 'crest routing nodes' that form a network that covers server. I think these are the devices Jennai was talking about, they seem to be powered by a crest-like power source, but these calculations show it's being stretched to the limit."

 

"Well, go on Izzy" his partner Tentomon said, hovering by his side.

 

"Jennai said those dark humans would be trying to destroy the nodes so the disasters can continue unabated. If we stick around the nodes, we're bound to run into one of them soon enough!" Izzy concluded. Clicking again, he printed out several maps that showed the network mapped to the island. He then got up and handed them out.

 

"There are four nodes in this area. If we split up into groups of two each, we should be able to cover them all, but still have enough of us to fight off any of them if they attack." Izzy said to the group, "we should decide on partners."

 

"I want big brother!" the young Kari eagerly yelled and grabbed a hold of Tai, who just shrugged his shoulders.

 

"Me too" TK said more quietly, walking over to Matt.

 

"I'll go with Mimi" Izzy said, and she just nodded almost inattentive to the choices. That left Sora and Joe to stick together. They both were thinking there was someone else they'd like to be with, but neither wanted to rock the boat.

 

The children took one last look at Jennai's home. It used to be a comforting place for them. Back when they battled Myotismon, he had given them the cards they needed to access the human world again there. Now it felt cold and sad. They'd talked to a digimon nearby who was a friend of Jennai's, who said he'd take care of the funeral. He never had had to deal with a dead body before though, and Izzy reflected on how strange it was for Jennai to remain solid after death.

 

"Well, this is no time to just stand around reminiscing," Matt said, the others nodded and they went out into the rain and parted their seperate ways, making their paths to the closest nodes on each side.

 

...

 

TK and Matt had gotten to their area, where there was supposed to be a large machine. They didn't see anything. "Maybe it's buried?" Palmon suggested. TK went to the ground to dig, but got up right away seeing the futility of that.

 

"Maybe," Matt said, "that would definitely be more safe for them, and Jennai was always a smart guy. I'm going to comb the area one last time, you just stay right here, and stay alert." He said and departed slowly.

 

After Matt had vanished from sight, TK watched around for a moment. Palmon then said, "you know if these things are powered by a crest, maybe they'd react to your digivices!" brightly, like he had stumbled upon a great idea.

 

"Good plan, we should go find Matt and tell him!" TK said, and he ran off with Palmon. As they walked through the rainy woods, they realized just how lost you could get. TK couldn't tell one direction from another, especially in such darkness. Turning to the side and walking some more, they saw a tall man walking in the other direction, right towards them. TK could see him carrying a shakujo, with his straw hat, and wearing a crossed blue and white shirt, right side crossed over left, and loose white pants.

 

TK felt scared. He thought, hadn't the recording said something about a man with a shakujo? And he definitely didn't look like a digimon! There shouldn't have been any humans in this world besides them, unless... "He's one of them, Palmon" TK said horrified, and ran to get distance. between them.

 

The man tipped his hat up to look at the boy, and TK could see his deathly blue skin and very short red hair. He looked like the very idea of a demon-man. He smiled, and TK felt shivers down his spine. But he was determined to stand his ground.

 

 

[GenzoTheHarpist]

Well... that's quite the improvement. Um yeah, keep up the good work...

[masterduelist7]

Please, can someone give me feedback? i'm honestly trying to improve here...

[CrabHelmet]

The spelling and grammar are actually passable now.

 

I'm amazed. o_o

[masterduelist7]

how about feedback on the actual story itself?

[masterduelist7]

OK, I took a creative writing seminar, and now i'm ready to continue this story, in a positive way. Constructive criticism is strongly requested.

 

[spoiler=chap 4]

 

TK stared at the man, then yelled at him, "Are you the one who killed Jennai?" TK gripped his digivice, prepared to activate it if the man tried to fight them.

 

The man stared off into the forest space above them, and said quietly "That must have been one of my brothers. I was assigned to destroy Jennai's devices, not the man himself."

 

"You're an enemy, then! Jennai warned us about you!" TK yelled back and then looked at Patamon, "we're going to have to take this guy out!" he said, and activated his digivice!

 

Patamon Digivolve to... Angemon!"

 

Patamon was gone, and in his place now stood the majestic angel digimon, Six wings outstretched and staff in hand, long blond hair rapidly being soaked by the rain, but still keeping a shine. Angemon yelled "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go down now. Hand of Fate!" and fired a blazing fist of energy from his hand, striking towards the evil hybrid, who quickly jumped away with great speed, avoiding the blast.

 

"Not fast enough, not strong enough i'm afraid!" The man said, as he jumped towards Angemon, shakujo in hand, and brought it down crashing towards the angel digimon's face, who had barely enough time to parry it with his own staff. Angemon jumped back and started preparing another attack, once more yelling "Hand of--", interrupted by the man who had smacked Angemon in the side before he could even finish his attack call.

 

As Angemon fell to the ground, TK felt great fear that this man was so easily defeating his digimon. Could he summon his crest's power from within himself, like he'd done against Apocalymon? He didn't know, but he had to stay hopeful, knowing that hope itself was his source of power. He held his digivice up again and yelled "Angemon, you need to transform to beat him!"

 

Angemon Digivolve to... MagnaAngemon!

 

The man stayed calm, simply lowering his hat to cover his eyes from the blinding light of Angemon's digivolution. When it ended, Angemon had again transformed to his ultimate form. His body had become armored, and his six wings had changed to eight, four of them folding over his waste and shoulders. His left arm had a purple shield of energy, and his right had a golden wristlet that extended a similar blade. Finally, another purple energy visor covered his face, completing the change.

 

"Am I supposed to be impressed? Boy, I have seen many digivolutions in my time. If you talked to the old man, you probably heard how I used to be like you. That's wrong. Compared to me then, your powers as a digidestined are nothing!" The man called out, jumping again towards MagnaAngemon, landing in front of him and dashing forward, launching several attacks with his staff, all of which the angel deflected with his arm blade and shield, though he was still being forced back by the fury of this new assault.

 

MagnaAngemon called forth, "Shield and Counter!" blocking the man's most recent swipe and returning it with a thrust from his Excalibur sword, only nicking the man's loose shirt. Flying up to the air, he said "Gate of Destiny" and started to trace a circle in the sky.

 

Jumping towards him before he could complete it again, the hybrid smacked MagnaAngemon's arm out of the way, ending the circular movement and with a powerful blow knocked the digimon towards the ground again.

 

TK saw the battle, and saw that the two were very evenly matched. However, the dark being's speed was still proving an issue. He'd need to distract somehow, give MagnaAngemon the chance to pull off a stronger attack. As the two continued fighting with physical strikes, TK grabbed a rock from the ground, as large as he could hold, and hurled it at the man, striking him on that back. He yelled "Angemon, now!" as the man turned around to see who had attacked him.

 

By the time he turned around, MagnaAngemon had completed the Gate of Destiny, and created a shimmering metal circle in the sky. The circle opened up, leaving a void in its place, pulling in everything near it with irresistible suction! The hybrid was trying to resist, grabbing a tree, but was rapidly losing ground to it.

 

As he was about to lose the battle and fly skyward, he yelled "I think you might be forgetting something!" and held out his pale blue left hand, dangling a small metal tag from a thread. TK recognized it as the tag they had used hold their crests, before they were destroyed.

 

"Angemon, stop! If you suck him in, we'll lose the crest we need!" TK yelled, and MagnaAngemon moved to the vortex, closing the gate in the sky.

 

Immediately, the man bolted over to TK, thrusting out his staff to try and run the ten-year old digidestined through! He stopped and looked up, seeing that he had stabbed into MagnaAngemon instead, who had managed to get in between them, but was left with no chance to block the attack. MagnaAngemon gagged, and streams of pixilated data rose from the wound, immediately proceeding a flash and MagnaAngemon was reduced back into Patamon!

 

TK trembled as the man raised his Shakujo for one last blow, when all of a sudden missiles flew through the woods, blasting into him and sending him flying into another tree. Quickly getting to his feet, he whispered, "someone's interfering!" to himself.

 

Matt walked into the scene calmly, with MetalGarurumon by him growling at the enemy. "Looks like I go here just in time, bro." he said to TK.

 

The man reached to the fold of his shirt, as if to pull it open and bare his chest, saying "Hah! Even both if both of you had mega forms, you still won't be a match for me once I transform!" only to suddenly crumple his hand and start gripping his chest, as if he was having incredibly severe chest pain. He gritted his teeth and said "Well, it looks like i'm going to have to postpone this."

 

Matt yelled "Oh no you don't!" and MetalGarurumon fired two more ice missiles towards him, but the man dodged them and jumped away into the woods with ease, losing them both. Matt looked towards TK and said "He got away! We need to tell the others what happened!"

 

To be continued...