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[Rosario + Vampire] The Forbidden Seal

bakupenguin

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bakupenguin

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[spoiler=[b]Chapter 1[/b]][align=justify]"Headmaster! Headmaster you must here this! It's...It's Tsukune!" Said Shizuka as she rushed into the Headmaster's office. "He's transformed and no one can stop him!" "Again?" Said the Headmaster, "Alright, I'll go stop him." The headmaster walks calmly out of the room at toward the cafeteria where the awakened Tsukune was holding a werewolf by the neck. Beside him was Mizore laying on the ground unconscious bleeding badly. Suddenly, the headmaster jumped forward and placed a crucifix symbol on Tsukune's head, forcing him to return to his natural form. The werewolf ran off, while Tsukune fell down unconscious.

 

 

In the nurse's office, the badly bruised Tsukune was just waking up."Uhhhh, where am I?" Said Tsukune while rubbing his head. "Owww..." "Your in the nurse's office, Tsukune" Said the nurse, "And by the looks of it, your going to be here quite awhile." "What happened to Mizore?" "He asked, looking around. "She's right over there," Said the nurse pointing to a stall. "She's badly hurt, but recovering quickly." "That's a relief." Said Tsukune. "Yes, but your transforming more frequently now, Tsukune..." Said the headmaster "But I have a solution, a new rosario, but , it will only last for 3 days. After that, nothing can stop you from becoming your true form." "True form? But I'm a... never mind. But what is my true form?" Replied the shaken Tsukune. "You will have to find out for yourself." Said the Headmaster, "But for now, I'll leave you to recover and get some rest." with that, the Headmaster left the room. "Tsukune! You have some visitors!" Said the nurse. "Uhhh...ok. Bring them in i guess." He said. "TSSSSUUUKUUUUNNEEEE!!!!" Yelled Kurumu as Yukari, Moka and she entered the room. "ARE YOU ALRIGHT??!!" She yelled as giving him the usual Kurumu-Hug. "CAANNNTTT......Breathe!" Gasped Tsukune as he was struggling for breath. Luckily, Yukari gave Kurumu the frying pan treatment as it smacked her on the head. "Cut it out you guys! Tsukune and Mizore are trying to recover! said Moka. Hey Tsukune, is Mizore alright?" "-You bet I am!" Shouted the hyper Mizore as she jumped off her bed. "Thank you so much Tsukune for saving me." She said in a much quieter voice. "It was nothing." said Tsukune. "We're so sorry we weren't there when it happened." Moka said is a saddened voice, "this guy wanted us to show us where the lockers were at precisely the same time as the incident. I wonder if it was all planned...?" "But who would want to hurt my Tsukune?!" Said Kurumu.

 

 

At an abandoned warehouse,

"When are we gonna finish them off, boss?" Said the werewolf to a shadowy figure "Later," Said the mysterious strager. "Let's see his true form first."[/align]

 

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 2[/b]]"Wow!" Said the nurse, "It's only been 2 days, but you're already fully recovered! Except for a few scrapes here and there and some bruises, you're in perfect condition!" "Thanks," Said Tsukune, "But how is Mizore?" "She's OK, but may need to stay in another day." Said the nurse. Tsukune got to his feet, and walked slowly out of the room to his classroom.

 

"Can anyone tell me what to do when a human discovers your true identity?" asked Shizuka, "Ummmm, kill 'em?" Said a kid. "No, you very careful get away and later tell them in your human form that it was an illusion." She said. "I wonder who could have wanted to hurt Tsukune?" asked inner Moka to Moka. "I dont know, but I hope it doesn't happen again." She said as she looked dreamily toward Tsukune. Suddenly, the bell rang and all the students poured out of the classroom, leaving Tsukune, Moka, Kurumu and Yukari. "Welp! I guess I'm gonna take a quick break too!" Said Shizuka as she walked out of the room."Soo, how are you Tsukune?" Asked Moka, "Are you hurting any?" "Only a little bit," Said Tsukune "But i think I know who sent the werewolf." "Who?! You mean he wasn't attacking just out-of-the-blue?" Asked Moka "Well, who is it?" Meanwhile, Yukari and kurumu started at it again. "You balloon animal!"

"Flat-chest!"

"Guys, the werewolf?" Said Tsukune. "Anyway, when i punched him, this flew off..." he said as he held up a piece of fur. "Except! This isn't werewolf fur. This is something I've never seen before. Maybe there was someone more powerful beating him up and telling him what to do." "Well whoever it is," Said Kurumu "He's dead if he tries anything funny!"

 

Tsukune was now at his dormroom laying in his bed. "Who could it have been?" He thought to himself. "Who was so powerful that he could give a werewolf orders!" Suddenly there was a howl and a harsh wisper that sounded like it was coming from outside the dorm. "Tsukune...Tsukune...can't you come out and play? I'll won't hurt you...much. Muhahaha......" "Who's there?!" Said Tsukune as he turned on the lights. "Come on out!" "That's strange..." He thought to himself as he touched the crucifix that the Headmster had put around his neck, "It started glowing as soon as that voice started talking..."

 

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 3[/b]]"Today's the 3rd day." Said Tsukune as he was walking to his normal homeroom. "Wonder what it'll be." At the same time, he thought of his parents' reaction. "Tsukune! Your... a monster!!" He smiled to himself, even though he knew he had nothing to be happy about. Today he would become a monster, then it would be over. He came upon his homeroom and braced himself to be suffocated by Kurumu, but nothing happened. He opened his eyes and saw his normal classroom but there was a giant hole in it with everyone strewn across the floor. "Tsu...Tsukune..." said Mizore "He's...here.... Uhhh..." She said as she fell to the floor. "Are you okay Mizore?!!" But she remained silent. Tsukune looked around and saw that Moka, Kurumu and Yukari along with everyone else was unconscious. Suddenly, a figure appeared on the roof looking down at Tsukune through the hole. "You wanna play now?" He said. In a flash, Tsukune was behind him and hit him so hard he flew through 2 other buildings. "I'll, kill you!!" Tsukune shouted as he appeared instantly behing him again and kicked him through another building, making him fall into the cafeteria. "so, I guess the werewolf failed." he said as he wiped the blood of his mouth where Tsukune hit him. "So you sent him!!" Tsukune said as he landed in the cafeteria. "Of course I did. Who else would?" "But why did you?" Tsukune shouted. "I never hurt you, and neither did Mizore!" "Of course not, but you have something I want - your crucifix seal. With it, I can become Immortal!!" "I wont let you," Tsukune said "you killed my friends, and I'll never forgive you!" "Fool, You can never defeat me. I'll make you the sacrifice for my immortality!" Suddenly, a glow filled the figure, and he transformed into his true form. "...I am a demon wolf, the most powerful of all youkai, an X class monster!!!"With that, he transported behind Tsukune and slammed his with his fist. Tsukune smashed against the wall, and fell to the ground face-first. "Well, that takes care of that." The wolf said as he walked toward Tsukune and his crucifix."Wasn't much of a contest though." As he started reaching toward Tsukune's crucifix, Tsukune suddenly grabbed his arm. "Are you sure you want to do that?" Tsukune said, lifting up his head with an unearthly voice. "we're not done here yet." he said as he got to his feet. The wolf jumped back as as a red aura swirled around Tsukune. "I'll be right back" he said as he teleported to where his friends were. He held up his hand and a flow of blue energy flowed into them and the rest. "That'll have to be enough for now."

 

 

He ran to the front of the school where the wolf was waiting. "Let's end this quickly, I have things to do." Said the wolf as he lunged toward Tsukune, throwing him against a nearby wall. "Damn... even in this from, I'm still no match for him. He said as he slowly got out of the wall. The wolf grabbed him again and threw him against the ground. The wolf leaned back as he was about to make the final blow, his hand suddenly froze. "Hey." Said Mizore as Moka, Yukari, Kurumu and Mizore walked out of the building. "We weren't gonna miss out on this one." Said Moka. "Guys! Your here! Are you okay?" "Enough of this nonsense," Said the wolf "I'll kill you all!!" "No you wont!' yelled Tsukune as he catch the wolf in mid-punch and slammed him to the ground. But the wolf suddenly appeared behind him and stabbed Tsukune in the heart. Tsukune gasped and fell to the ground. "See? I told you it's pointless." The wolf said as he walked toward the others. "Now it's your turn." I would'nt if I were you. Tsukune said as he rose off the ground. He ran up to the wolf-demon, grabbed him by the neck and flew up with wings like Kurumu, then hurled him toward the ground. The wolf hit the ground with tremendous speed. Tsukune flew quickly down and froze him like Mizore as he started to get up, opened up a portal with magic like Yukari, and ran toward him at break-neck speed. "Know your place!!" He shouted as he kicked him into the portal with tremendous power. The portal closed behind him, and disappeared into thin air. "Tsukune! you did it!!" Moka shouted as she ran up to Tsukune, But he fell to the ground. "Tsukune!! Tsukune!!" "Check his pulse!" shouted Kurumu and she and the rest came running. Moka listened for a pulse, a heart beat, anything! But nothing stirred. "Is he...is....he...?"Mizore stuttered. Moka started crying...

 

 

chapter 4 on page 2

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bakupenguin

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Had to make this 1 because it said to much words in other thread. If you have not read chapters 1 or 2 you can read them here.

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 3[/b]]"Today's the 3rd day." Said Tsukune as he was walking to his normal homeroom. "Wonder what it'll be." At the same time, he thought of his parents' reaction. "Tsukune! Your... a monster!!" He smiled to himself, even though he knew he had nothing to be happy about. Today he would become a monster, then it would be over. He came upon his homeroom and braced himself to be suffocated by Kurumu, but nothing happened. He opened his eyes and saw his normal classroom but there was a giant hole in it with everyone strewn across the floor. "Tsu...Tsukune..." said Mizore "He's...here.... Uhhh..." She said as she fell to the floor. "Are you okay Mizore?!!" But she remained silent. Tsukune looked around and saw that Moka, Kurumu and Yukari along with everyone else was unconscious. Suddenly, a figure appeared on the roof looking down at Tsukune through the hole. "You wanna play now?" He said. In a flash, Tsukune was behind him and hit him so hard he flew through 2 other buildings. "I'll, kill you!!" Tsukune shouted as he appeared instantly behing him again and kicked him through another building, making him fall into the cafeteria. "so, I guess the werewolf failed." he said as he wiped the blood of his mouth where Tsukune hit him. "So you sent him!!" Tsukune said as he landed in the cafeteria. "Of course I did. Who else would?" "But why did you?" Tsukune shouted. "I never hurt you, and neither did Mizore!" "Of course not, but you have something I want - your crucifix seal. With it, I can become Immortal!!" "I wont let you," Tsukune said "you killed my friends, and I'll never forgive you!" "Fool, You can never defeat me. I'll make you the sacrifice for my immortality!" Suddenly, a glow filled the figure, and he transformed into his true form. "...I am a demon wolf, the most powerful of all youkai, an X class monster!!!"With that, he transported behind Tsukune and slammed his with his fist. Tsukune smashed against the wall, and fell to the ground face-first. "Well, that takes care of that." The wolf said as he walked toward Tsukune and his crucifix."Wasn't much of a contest though." As he started reaching toward Tsukune's crucifix, Tsukune suddenly grabbed his arm. "Are you sure you want to do that?" Tsukune said, lifting up his head with an unearthly voice. "we're not done here yet." he said as he got to his feet. The wolf jumped back as as a red aura swirled around Tsukune. "I'll be right back" he said as he teleported to where his friends were. He held up his hand and a flow of blue energy flowed into them and the rest. "That'll have to be enough for now."

 

 

He ran to the front of the school where the wolf was waiting. "Let's end this quickly, I have things to do." Said the wolf as he lunged toward Tsukune, throwing him against a nearby wall. "Damn... even in this from, I'm still no match for him. He said as he slowly got out of the wall. The wolf grabbed him again and threw him against the ground. The wolf leaned back as he was about to make the final blow, his hand suddenly froze. "Hey." Said Mizore as Moka, Yukari, Kurumu and Mizore walked out of the building. "We weren't gonna miss out on this one." Said Moka. "Guys! Your here! Are you okay?" "Enough of this nonsense," Said the wolf "I'll kill you all!!" "No you wont!' yelled Tsukune as he catch the wolf in mid-punch and slammed him to the ground. But the wolf suddenly appeared behind him and stabbed Tsukune in the heart. Tsukune gasped and fell to the ground. "See? I told you it's pointless." The wolf said as he walked toward the others. "Now it's your turn." I would'nt if I were you. Tsukune said as he rose off the ground. He ran up to the wolf-demon, grabbed him by the neck and flew up with wings like Kurumu, then hurled him toward the ground. The wolf hit the ground with tremendous speed. Tsukune flew quickly down and froze him like Mizore as he started to get up, opened up a portal with magic like Yukari, and ran toward him at break-neck speed. "Know your place!!" He shouted as he kicked him into the portal with tremendous power. The portal closed behind him, and disappeared into thin air. "Tsukune! you did it!!" Moka shouted as she ran up to Tsukune, But he fell to the ground. "Tsukune!! Tsukune!!" "Check his pulse!" shouted Kurumu and she and the rest came running. Moka listened for a pulse, a heart beat, anything! But nothing stirred. "Is he...is....he...?"Mizore stuttered. Moka started crying...

 

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CrabHelmet Newbie

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The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

I know nothing about Rosario+Vampire, as will become apparent very quickly. Oh, well. Also, this isn't entirely blind, since my computer crashed halfway through the first time I tried riffing this. That means that even my computer doesn't want me to read this. That can't be a good sign. But never mind that; let's start the first chapter.

 

"Headmaster! Headmaster you must here this! It's...It's Tsukune!" Said Shizuka as she rushed into the Headmaster's office.

 

Headmaster: "It's spelled hear, not here, you idiot."

Shizuka: "How did you know how I spelled my spoken words?"

Headmaster: "My abilities are numerous and incomprehensible. Plus, I'm just stalling so he can sneak up behind you."

Shizuka: "Wh-"

LASERHANDSMAN: "HANDLASER!"

 

"He's transformed and no one can stop him!" "Again?" Said the Headmaster, "Alright, I'll go stop him."

 

Shizuka: "How is that possible? I just said that no one could stop him."

Headmaster: "My abilities are numerous and incomprehensible."

 

The headmaster walks calmly out of the room at toward the cafeteria

 

PROOFREADING

 

Apparently, the headmaster can un-capitalize his own name at will takes actions in the present tense when the rest of the story is written in the past tense. These abilities of his are numerous and incomprehensible.

 

where the awakened Tsukune was holding a werewolf by the neck. Beside him was Mizore laying on the ground unconscious bleeding badly.

 

This happens all the time at my school.

 

Suddenly, the headmaster jumped forward and placed a crucifix symbol on Tsukune's head, forcing him to return to his natural form.

 

That ability of his was disappointingly comprehensible. I would call false advertising, except I'm pretty sure I made up the numerous and incomprehensible thing myself.

 

The werewolf ran off, while Tsukune fell down unconscious.

 

Will Tsukune survive!?

 

SPOILER ALERT: Yes.

 

We just witnessed a three-way battle between a werewolf, a vampire-monster-thing, and a priest whose abilities are numerous and incomprehensible. Random students were unconscious and heavily bleeding in the background. The entire encounter was described and concluded in a measly four sentences. Combining this absurdly rapid pace that trivializes major conflicts with a complete lack of context makes the story feel like a series of random events.

 

In the nurse's office, the badly bruised Tsukune was just waking up.

 

I hate to nitpick, but really, the phrase "was just waking up" is not the right phrasing at all. We've just time-skipped ahead to Tsukune's recovery and know of nothing else happening at this time, so using the progressive here is somewhere between awkward and wrong. I know it's not very sporting to complain about stylistic errors in a story where the author can't distinguish "here" from "hear", but that's what happens when you try to write fanfiction before actually passing first grade, and it's often enough to transform a story from so-bad-it's-good to so-bad-it's-horrible.

 

(Incidentally, that's a lie - I love to nitpick. I didn't write a dozen Foe Fiction entries do every single thing I've ever done on YCM because I dislike complaining about other peoples' stupidity.)

 

"Uhhhh, where am I?" Said Tsukune while rubbing his head. "Owww..."

 

Stop following quotations with a capitalized "Said", you illiterate moron. It's wrong, and this is already the third time you've done it.

 

"Your in the nurse's office, Tsukune" Said the nurse,

 

And this is the fourth time you've done it. Stop this whole Cap-Said thing.

 

"And by the looks of it, your going to be here quite awhile."

 

And this is the second time you've misspelled "you're".

 

"What happened to Mizore?" "He asked, looking around.

 

Nurse: "The real question is: What happened to the convention of starting a new paragraph whenever a different person speaks?"

 

It doesn't show up terribly well in my commentary, but everything before the time skip was one paragraph, and everything after the time skip is one paragraph. And we still have a long way to go.

 

"She's right over there," Said the nurse pointing to a stall.

 

CAP-SAID COUNT: 5

 

"She's badly hurt, but recovering quickly."

 

She was lying unconscious and bleeding heavily. You're not supposed to recover quickly from that.

 

"That's a relief." Said Tsukune.

 

FUSE BOX COUNT: 6

 

"Yes, but your transforming more frequently now, Tsukune..." Said the headmaster

 

For those playing along at home, the score now stands at 7 to 3; "Said" has a large lead on "your" right now.

 

"But I have a solution, a new rosario, but , it will only last for 3 days.

 

I don't even know what a "rosario" is, but I'm pretty sure the three-day limit was just made up by the author for no reason other than Because The Plot Demands It.

 

After that, nothing can stop you from becoming your true form." "True form? But I'm a... never mind.

 

No, keep talking. I'd love to actually have some context here.

 

But what is my true form?" Replied the shaken Tsukune.

 

I'd have guessed it was that berserk creature you transformed into that attacked people and was impossible to control, but then again, i haven't a clue what the canon says about "true forms" or whatever. I'm surprised Tsukune doesn't share my assumption, though.

 

And I'm not going to complain about the "Replied" because I'm just thankful that a word other than "Said" was finally used.

 

"You will have to find out for yourself."

 

The last time Tsukune transformed, he couldn't be controlled and bystanders were almost killed. This sort of "it's a personal journey you need to take yourself" answer is not appropriate in these circumstances.

 

Said the Headmaster, "But for now, I'll leave you to recover and get some rest." with that, the Headmaster left the room.

 

Yes, an eighth "Said", but more interestingly, "Headmaster" is now capitalized again. How... incomprehensible.

 

Incidentally, if the most interesting thing I can find is about a character's name's capitalization, your story is boring.

 

"Tsukune! You have some visitors!" Said the nurse.

 

Nine fuse boxes "Said" instances so far.

 

"Uhhh...ok. Bring them in i guess." He said.

 

This is the only characterization I've seen of Tsukune so far, and it makes me hate him. When you're in the infirmary and people come to visit you,, "OH I GUESS IF SOME PEOPLE ARE HERE TO SEE ME YOU MAY AS WELL SEND THEM IN I SUPPOSE IF YOU LIKE, I DON'T REALLY CARE, I DON'T LIKE THEM ANYHOW" is not the correct response.

 

"TSSSSUUUKUUUUNNEEEE!!!!" Yelled Kurumu as Yukari, Moka and she entered the room. "ARE YOU ALRIGHT??!!"

 

With an entrance like this, I'm going to picture Kurumu as female!Kamina. I'm half-expecting her to try to heal Tsukune by punching him in the face. Even if it doesn't heal him, he deserves it after his apathetic response to their visit.

 

She yelled as giving him the usual Kurumu-Hug. "CAANNNTTT......Breathe!" Gasped Tsukune as he was struggling for breath.

 

Me: "Tsukune gasped that he couldn't breathe. I don't understand what's going on! Somebody, quick, come help!"

Captain R, Superhero: "He did that because he was struggling for breath!"

Me: "Oh, now I understand! Thank you for clearing that up, Captain Redundant!"

 

Luckily, Yukari gave Kurumu the frying pan treatment as it smacked her on the head.

 

Me: "Why is there a frying pan in the infirmary? I don't understand what's going on! Somebody, quick, come help!"

Captain R, Superhero: "I left it there so I could keep cooking after being injured by supervillains!"

Me; "Oh, now I understand! Thank you for clearing that up, Captain Roaster!"

 

"Cut it out you guys! Tsukune and Mizore are trying to recover! said Moka. Hey Tsukune, is Mizore alright?" "-You bet I am!" Shouted the hyper Mizore as she jumped off her bed.

 

Me: "Why is she so recovered already? I don't understand what's going on! Somebody, quick come help!"

Captain R, Superhero: "I'm influencing this story with my powers!"

Me: "Oh, now I understand! Thank you for clearing that up, Captain Retarded!"

 

"Thank you so much Tsukune for saving me." She said in a much quieter voice. "It was nothing." said Tsukune. "We're so sorry we weren't there when it happened." Moka said is a saddened voice, "this guy wanted us to show us where the lockers were at precisely the same time as the incident. I wonder if it was all planned...?" "But who would want to hurt my Tsukune?!" Said Kurumu.

 

what

 

what

 

WHAT

 

Wait, no! No! That's not what happened at all! I'm not imagining things here, am I? I'm not misremembering, am I?

 

Here's what actually happened: Tsukune transformed. I'm not familiar with Rosario+Vampire canon, but I know how the characters reacted: this was treated as a very bad thing, Tsukune was described as unstoppable, and the HhHeadmaster treated it as enough of an emergency that he went out to stop Tsukune personally. When he arrived, he used one of his numerous and incomprehensible abilities to reverse Tsukune's transformation and knock him unconscious. The werewolf, who Tsukune previously was holding by the neck, then proceeded to run away. After that, measures were taken to stop Tsukune from transforming again.

 

Here, however, we're told that that's not what happened at all. In this section, we find out that Tsukune was actually perfectly in control and was using the power his transformation granted him to defend Mizore against the evil werewolf. This flies in the face of everything we saw and is completely incompatible with every single character's actions so far, but we're expected to believe this.

 

Imagine a movie about a Bond-style secret agent or some other Bourne-style action hero. We go through the movie until, at the very end, we reach the surprising plot twist that the hero was actually a bran muffin all along.

 

This is worse than that.

 

See, a Bran Muffin Twist would be absolutely awful, but at least it's doing that on purpose and is going for full-blown mindscrew. That's not what's going on here. This isn't just a terrible plot twist, it's a plot twist that contradicts everything we've seen so far, with no unreliable narrator in sight to resolve the crisis. And it's not like this is a novel where the author forgot that a character's birthday was mentioned in passing in scene fifty-three which contradicted the character's astrological sign revealed in scene ninety-eight; this is only the end of the second paragraph of the first chapter of this story, and it still contradicts everything that came before it. How on earth do you screw up this badly? Do you not know that there's more to making a good plot twist than just having an unexpected revelation - that the revelation in question has to make some bloody sense when it is considered alongside everything that came before it?

 

Have you not considered that bakupenguin might simply have been discarding the old continuity in favour of a new one?

 

Yes, Captain Retcon, I have, and no, that doesn't make any bloody sense either. First of all, this is the second paragraph of the first chapter of a story; you shouldn't need to make massive retcons already, and if you do, you can just go back and edit what you typed before instead of reversing everything near the end of the chapter and pretending it all works out.

 

Second of all, you can't just drop something this major as a retcon so quickly and act like nothing happened. This completely annihilated everything in the entire story that preceded it. That's not a minor little detail that can be hand-waved away; we're talking One More Day levels of retconning here.

 

Third of all, even if it were retconning earlier events in the stupidest and most unnecessary way possible, that still wouldn't change the fact that the new version of events isn't even internally consistent. At one point, we're told that Tsukune was using his power to protect Mizore from the werewolf. At another point, however, we're told that the werewolf came after Tsukune directly. So which is it? I don't know. This nonsense revelation contradicts not only everything that came before the revelation but also several things that happened during the revelation itself. It's like it wanted to be absolutely certain of contradicting absolutely everything in the entire story and left no stone unturned in doing so.

 

I don't know whether this is a plot twist or a retcon, or whether it's just such a gaping plot hole and continuity error that there's nothing left that isn't a hole. I also don't know what all that stuff about lockers and incidents and synchronized timing and whatever else is going on here was about. And you know what? I don't care. Screw this story.

 

We still have one tiny third paragraph to go, but it won't change my final verdict: screw this story.

 

At an abandoned warehouse,

 

Unless you're having the LGT use it to host the Pandemic Game, you're not allowed to use abandoned warehouses. It's stupid and cliché and overused and shows that you're lazy and unimaginative, which means you probably shouldn't be writing in the first place.

 

Screw this story.

 

"When are we gonna finish them off, boss?" Said the werewolf to a shadowy figure

 

Want to know what else is stupid and cliché? Villains addressing superior villains as "boss". Want to know what's even more stupid and cliché? Two words: "shadowy figure". Want to know what's not cliché but is the stupidest of all? Ten separate instances of this idiotic "Said" thing in this chapter alone. This is awful. Screw this story.

 

"Later," Said the mysterious strager.

 

PROOFREADING

 

Also, we can't just make ten louder; our "Said" count goes up to eleven. Screw this story.

 

"Let's see his true form first."

 

No, let's not. Screw his true form. Also, screw this story, and screw bakupenguin for writing it and bumping it endlessly, and screw YCM for hosting it, and screw Phantom Roxas for linking me to it, and screw Jord200, punkinbut, and Compass3 for liking it, and screw Rosario+Vampire for inspiring it, and screw me for reviewing it. Screw everything related to this monstrosity.

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bakupenguin Newbie

bakupenguin

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[spoiler=[u]The final Chapter!!!!![/u]]"I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do." Said the school nurse. "What do you mean you can't do anything?!" Shouted Vampire Moka holding the nurse up by the neck. "He could die!" "Moka, that's enough." Whispered Mizore. Moka released the nurse as she slumped to the floor. "It's gonna be Ok Moka." Said Shizuka as she held Moka's shoulder. "Unnnhhh" Groaned the badly hurt Tsukune. "Tsukune! Are you alright?!" Said Moka as she and the rest ran up to Tsukune's bed. "I think so," Tsukune replied rubbing his head. "Owww...!". "Tsukune," Said the headmaster walking up to him. "You saved the school. Because of a curse that demon wolf cast on me, I couldn't do anything. Since you helped us out so much once again, I am letting you come to Youkai Academy anytime you want. I know your secret, Tsukune. I know that you are indeed a human, and got your powers that allowed you to defeat him came from your rage and longing to protect your friends. Don't worry, all the other students and teachers know it too, and are agreeing that you should indeed stay despite the fact that you are human. " "Wooho!" Shouted the others, "Tsukune! You can stay!" "But wait," Said Tsukune, "what about the rule stating 'all humans that enter the school should be executed.'?" "Well, in the way you humans talk, rules are meant to be broken!" Replied the headmaster with a chuckle.

 

 

"Tsukune!!" yelled Moka across the house. "You'll be late for work!" "Coming dear," said Tsukune lying in his bed.

 

"Well," Tsukune thought to himself, "It's been 6 years since I graduated from Youkai Academy, and Moka and I got married. Kurumu, Mizore and the others stated it was Ok with them (with clenched teeth of course!). I'm now a teacher at Youkai Academy, and I teach the students how to contain the monster blood with them (Oh, the Irony!). Mizore, Kurumu, Yukari and Ruby are all teachers too! Moka finally found a way to stay in here vampire state permanently, and disposed of the Rosary. Well, I better get out of bed and go to Youkai Academy before Moka Know-your-place kicks me out of bed. This is my story, this is my life, this is Rosario + Vampire.

 

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