Aesirson Posted May 11, 2010 Report Share Posted May 11, 2010 [spoiler=Prologue] The hot desert wind blew across the streets of the quiet village. Two men was standing on the middle of a sandy street, both of them wearing ponchos and western hats. Other people could be seen among the shadows, watching the two men. They weren't moving, only staring at eachothers. Their shadows grew longer as the sun was decending on the horizon. "Is father going to be alright?" A boy asked his mother, who quickly made a hushing sound, signaling to the boy to be quiet. One of the men was bearded, but one couldn't see any facial features under the shadow of the hat, but one could see that he was sweating as the other mans shadow came closer. The bearded man was called Gilbert Falklore, the mayor of the small town called The Sand Pit in the middle of the Nevada Desert. Why ahd the stranger come all the way here, and why ahd he challanged the mayor to a duel? "When my shadow touches your feet I will draw!" The stranger suddenly called out. The stranger looked up and his facial structure could now be seen. Black hair could be seen under his hat, and his eyes was yellow. His left eye had a small, yellow tattoo under it. A criminal marker used to point out and track criminals. He's a criminal, but I'm not only the mayor of this town; I am also a honorful duelist, and an honorful duelist never turns a duel down!"That's fine by me!" Gilbert said and stuck his hand underneath the poncho, ready to draw his Crashtown Duel Disk, a model first used in Crashtown, thereby the name. Gilbert knew that the stranger also was carrying one, so the one who drew the quickest wuld be the one to start the duel. "Do you know why I came to this village to challenge you?" The stranger's question came a like a lightning from a clear sky. Of course Gilbert didn't know that, the stranger never told him! "Oh right... I never told you. I came here because I saw potential in you. Because your duel energy is very high.""My duel energy?" Gilbert was confused. What was this "duel energy" the stranger was talking about? Gilbert looked at the shadow, it was creeping closer for every second. "What is this 'duel energy' you're talking about?"The stranger smiled, but didn't answer. A moment of silence took place untill the stranger finally spoke."Gilbert... What if I said I placed a bomb at your house, and that your family is in danger right now?" The stranger smiled again. Gilbert quickly looked towards his family who was standing in the shadows closest to Gilbert. They were perfectly safe there. A sound was heard from the stranger; a clicking sound and the sound of drawing cards. Gilbert looked at the shadow that was now making it's way atop his brown leather boots. Empty threats. Empty threats used to draw Gilbert's attention from the shadow. "Looks like I drew faster than you!" The stranger's face was painted with a malicious grin while Gilbert also drew his Duel Disk and cards. "That means that I will have the honor to start, doesn't it? Draw!" The stranger drew a card and looked at his hand. Stroking his index finger and thumb across the cards he finally found one suitable for the situation. "I activate Soul of Fire!" He placed the card on his Duel Disk. "The card let's you draw a card!" The stranger eyed Gilbert as the mayor drew a card. "I will then removed from play a Pyro monsterf rom my Deck to deal damage to you!" The stranger pulled a card out of his Deck and showed it to his opponent. "Now you will take damage equal to half it's attack points!"The mayor immediately caught on fire and moaned when his life points was reduced by 1200. (2800) "A nice move, but it won't be enough to crush me!" Gilbert had a faint smile on his face and the fire faded away."Nothing's wrong with your fighting spirit, that's a fact!" The stranger was still smiling. "I will also summon Volcanic Revolver in attack mode!"An armored monster appeared. It had a face resembling a two-barreled revolver."Activating monster effect! As long as I don't attack during this turn, I can discard two monsters from my hand to deal damage to you equal to half the total attack of those monsters!" The stranger picked out two cards from his hands and placed them in the graveyard zone."I discard Volcanic Doombarrel and another Volcanic Revolver! Their total attack points equal 4400!"The monster on the strangers field took aim at Gilbert and fired tow balls of fire at him. Despite the fact that it was only a hologram, Gilbert was knocked back, his hat falling off, by the shock when his life points was decreased to a mere six hundred."I set a card and will end my turn!" The stranger chuckled when the old mayor was struggling to get on his legs again. "My turn! Draw!" Gilbert said and made ready to draw a card but before he could draw it...Suddenly, a boom echoed across the desert village, and Gilbert dropped to the ground. His life points was reduced to 0. The stranger was now holding his Crashtown Duel Disk like a real revolver and was aiming towards the seemingly dead Gilbert Falklore."I activate my Trap. Quickfire!" The face-down card next to the stranger was flipped face-up and revealed the Quickfire card. "I can only activate this card when you're about to draw a card. I make you discard the card, and you take damage equal to the number of cards in your hand times hundred." The stranger spinned the Duel Disk on his finger and then placed it back into it's holster. The sun had now decended completely, and the street was only lit up by a the light coming out of a nearby window and the reflection of the blue moon. The stranger walked up to the mayor and kneeled in front of him."You didn't even give me chance to see your potential." The stranger smiled and placed his hand on the mayor's head. The stranger's hand was lit up, and he then raised to a standing position again and looked towards the crowd. "You should probably pray for this dead man while you can!" He shouted and laughed. A strong wind suddenly blew from behind the stranger, bringing a big amount of sand, blinding the crowd. When they finally could see again, the stranger was gone. And moment later, the bomb blew the whole village away. So, whatcha think? I expecting at least one comment when I wake up tomorrow! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valliant12 Posted May 13, 2010 Report Share Posted May 13, 2010 I find it...Different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aesirson Posted May 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 13, 2010 When I write Fan Fics, I want them to be different than the others. Looks like I succeeded then. First Chapter may be up tonight or tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aesirson Posted May 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 13, 2010 Currently writing Chapter 1. This post will be updated to include it when it's done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aesirson Posted May 14, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2010 Chapter 1 is here now, if anyone cares to read it. [spoiler=Chapter 1: Restoration] "Dream Eater Dragon! Attack him directly!" A hoarse voice echoed through the alley. The big, pink dragon opened it's mouth and a barrage of pink dust blew out of it, hitting the duelist who screamed in pain as he fell on his knees. The owner of the hoarse voice walked up to the duelist. "You lose... Now you'll pay!"Then a strong shock was felt in the duelist's stomach and he fell over on the ground. He slowly opened his eyes. His sight was blurry, he could see that the roof was white. He raised to sitting position and realized that he was in a hospital. He couldn't remember anything except for that flash of memory he had just seen. He held his hands up before his face and noticed that his right hand was replaced by a metallic, glove-like hand instead.How the hell did that happen?He looked around. He was in a small room, and he was the only patient there. The room did only have one window and one door. He slowly got out of the bed and walked up to the window. Outside a big city was sprawling with life, and the sun stood high on the sky. "You're awake!" A voice behind him said. He turned around and saw a woman with shoulder length, blonde hair, purple eyes and a cute smile. She was wearing a white lab coat with a black shirt and black jeans underneath. "We thought you were dead!""Dead?" He suddenly realized that he was only wearing a pair of jeans."Yes." The woman walked up to him and showed him a police badge. "I'm Alexandra Goldleaf, or just Alex if you prefer that. You're currently placed inside a Police Hospital Facility. We found you unconscious in an alleyway three days ago.""Why am I in a police hospital when you could've just brought me to a normal hospital!" He sat down at the bed and looked at the woman."You were, but you were moved here after that Icarus started showing up." The woman started searching for something in her pocket."Icarus? Who's Icarus?" He looked at the Alex as she sat down next to him on the bed and showed him a picture that she had pulled out of her pocket. It showed a boy around the age of 19 with spiky, white hair and piercing, red eyes. A malicious grin was printed onto his face."That's Icarus." Alex simply said and pulled something else out of her other pocket."And you expected me to know this gu..." He stopped when he saw what Alex had pulled out of her pocket. It was a mirror. A mirror showing him. He looked like an exact copy of Icarus except that his eyes was blue and that his hair was black. He then remembered something."I dueled him." He said and looked at the picture of Icarus again. "I dueled him and lost.""What's your name?" Alex looked at him."It's..." He suddenly realized that he didn't remember. "I don't remember...""Amnesia? I see." Alex looked at the mirror and stroke part of her hair that had fallen into her face back. "We'll call you KC for now.""Why KC?" He looked at her with a wondering stare."Because that's what we called you when you were unconscious." Alex smiled at him. "You were wearing a Duel Disk made by Kaiba Corp. One of those old Duel Disks used back in the days of Battle City. Luckily your deck wasn't damaged, but the Duel Disk wasn't as unharmed.""One more question." KC looked at his right hand. "Why is my hand replaced by this abomination?""Your right hand was unusable as it was, it was better this way." Alex had an unhappy smile on her face. Suddenly the door opened and a brown man with very short, black hair walked in. He was wearing black clothes with white trim."I see that KC's awake, has he answered the questions yet?" The man looked serious."Yes, Boss." Alex raised from the bed and looked at the newcomer. "But unfortunately he suffers from amnesia.""That's not surprising after the beating that this guy had taken." Boss smiled. "I'm glad you're okay though, but I feel sorry for your hand!" He laughed."I don't think it's funny..." KC looked at the man, apparently Boss, and looked a bit sad."Anyway, I came here to give you this." Boss pulled a stack of cards out of his pocket and handed it to KC. "It's the Deck that was placed in your Duel Disk's Deck Slot when we found you, I assume it's yours."KC grabbed the Deck and looked through it."Hey, I've heard about cases were amnesia is cured by dueling, so why don't we test it?" Boss asked. KC somehow remembered that if he was in fact a Duelist, then there was no way he would say no to a duel! Later, at a Duel Field located at the bottom floor of the facility.KC was now clothed in a blue jacket with a black shirt underneath. He was also wearing the same, black jeans that he had worn while asleep, along with a pair of brown leather boots. His right hand was hidden by a brown leather glove. On his left arm there was a normal Duel Disk used across the world, colored by the colors usually used by PDs. (Police Duelists)On the other side of the Duel Field was Boss, who also had a PD Duel Disk attached to his right arm. Alex was standing by to watch the two duelists. Both duelists looked at each others, nodded and then shouted in chorus:"Duel!" As they yelled the word they both drew five cards."Mind if I start?" KC asked and drew his sixth card. He then looked at his hand and tried to remember how to use this Deck.This card looks good enough!"I summon Little-Winguard in attack position!" As KC placed the card on his Duel Disk, a small, winged warrior clad in blue armor appeared on the field.Hm... Mirror Force? I could use it to guard my monster from eventual attacks!"I also set a card face-down and end my turn!" KC placed a card face-down in his S/T Zone, and a face-down card did indeed appear on the field. "My turn!" Boss made himself ready to draw. "Draw!" When he drew the card he looked at it and then instantly placed it face-up on the field. "I summon Phantomhorned Beast Phypnocorn!"When the card had been placed on the field a big, blue goat appeared. It had very confusing eyes."When this monster is summoned while I control no monsters, adn you do, I can destroy one set card on the field!" Boss pointed at KC's face-down card as it was destroyed by the goat's effect."Damnit! My trap!" KC watched the card flip face-up adn then be destroyed."Mirror Force?" Boss smiled. "How lucky I didn't attack with it on the field! I will also activate one of the cards in my hand!" He placed a Spell card on his Duel Disk and a hologram of it appeared. "this card is called Call of the Herd, and when it's activated I can select one Beast I control and Special Summon two others of the same Beast to my field!"Two additional hypno-eyed goats appeared next to the first one."Heh, that doesn't matter, you're goats' attack points is still the same as my Winguard's attack points, so they will both be destroyed if you attack!""That's the plan!" Boss pointed at Little-Winguard. "Phypnocorn! Attack his monster!"One of the weird-eyed goats rushed towards the little warrior and upon colission they were both destroyed."Now my two remaining Phypnocorns will attack you directly!" As Boss yelled these words the two remaining goats tackled KC down and dealt a fair bit of damage to him. (4000 - 2800 = 1200) "I end my turn." KC got up on his legs again and made ready to draw a new card.I feel it now... This is the thrill of dueling that I had forgotten! It's time to show Boss how I roll!"Draw!" KC looked at the card.This is the card!"I summon Grave Grappler in attack position!" When KC placed the card on his Duel Disk, a small, machine-like figure appeared. On it's right hand there was a big claw that looked suited for digging. "When this card is Normal Summoned, I can pay 800 life points to add one Trap Card in my Graveyard to my hand!"A card was shot out of the Graveyard Slot of KC's Duel Disk and he revealed it to be Mirror Force."I'm not surprised! Mirror Force was the only trap in your Graveyard!" Boss smiled. "Grave Grappler isn't strong enough to defeat my monsters, so finish your move already!""I will, but first I'll set this card face-down!" KC placed a card face-down in his S/T Zone and like before an holographic, face-down card appeared on the field. "Do you think I'm stupid?" Boss kept smiling and drew a card.If I set my Dark Bribe, I'll be safe from his Mirror Force after this turn has ended! "I set a card face-down, and then end my turn!""Not so fast!" KC flipped his face-down face-up."So you mean it wasn't Mirror Force!?" Boss was shocked."Looks like my little trick succeeded! Breakup of Peace!" Both of Boss' monsters were destroyed. "During my opponent's End Phase during a turn when no battle occured, if I control no other Spell or Trap cards, all of your monsters are destroyed!""Damnit!" Boss first appeared to be angry, but then he smiled. "That was indeed a surprising move. Looks like we've stumbled across a real duelist, eh?"Alex, who was sitting on a bench next to the Dueling Field appeared to be more interested with her hair, since she was holding the mirror in front of her face and kept fixing the hair untill she thought it was perfect. Which was never. She did, however, look up when spoken to by Boss."Oh yea. Sure." She then returned to the mirror, and Boss sighed. "It's my turn again! Draw!" KC drew a card and looked at his hand.His field is empty, now's my chance!"I tribute my Grave Grappler to summon Tuning Ace!" A birdman clothed in a superhero-esque suit appeared on KC's field. "When he's Normal Summoned, he allows me to Special Summon a Tuner from my hand! Delta Fly!"A small, golden dragon with wings resembling those of a dragonfly."Now that I've assembled a non-Tuner and a Tuner to my field I can conduct Synchro Summon! Haayaa!" "As all hope fades away a new star rises on the horizon! This is the dawn of heroes! Synchro Summon! Be crowned! Hero's Hope Dragon!" As KC was chanting the dragon turned into three green rings that lined up. Then, the birdman took flight and flew through them and the rings exploded in a cascade of light as they were replaced by a big, white, humanoid dragon sporting four wings and a long, spiked tail. The dragon's head was crowned with three, golden spikes. Even Alex looked up from the mirror to watch the dragon in action."Magnificent!" She gasped."This is going to hurt!" Boss' voice had changed so that it sounded more wimpy."I activate Hero's Hope Dragon's effect!" KC smiled. "I select one monster in my Graveyard to increase Hero's Hope Dragon's attack by an amount equal to that monster's attack until the End Phase!"The birdman appeared again and slowly faded again. As it did, the dragon started to glow."Hero's Hope! Attack him directly with Heroic Strike!" The dragon flew up into the air, turned around quickly and hit Boss with it's tail, reducing his life points from 4000 to 0. Boss fell on his knees, but he was still smiling."Unbelievable! I've been a PD for ten years, and I've rarely had such an exciting experience!" He got up on his feet again and the dragon faded away. He walked up to KC and held his hand out for a handshake. KC answered, and gave him a handshake."We have to duel sometime again!" KC smiled."Guys!" Alex shouted from her bench. "I just got a message. Another innocent has fallen victim to Icarus!" ~End of Chapter 1 Phew, that took some time to write. Hope you like it, and please leave a comment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valliant12 Posted May 17, 2010 Report Share Posted May 17, 2010 Me likey, the only thing is when there's a change to the lifepoints show the new lifepoints.e.g.Player 1: 8000Player 2: 8000 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted May 17, 2010 Report Share Posted May 17, 2010 A LOT of typos in the Prolouge, but apart from that, it's good. Subscribed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted May 18, 2010 Report Share Posted May 18, 2010 The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud. Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading. If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction. The topic opens with a Youtube link to a song called "Fallen Leaves". Apparently this is a Songfic, which is in and of itself already discouraging. Worse yet, the song sucks. Anyhow, we'll be covering the prologue today. Prologue See? Told you so. Naturally, this will be blind. The hot desert wind blew across the streets of the quiet village. Two men was I cannot stress this enough: you must proofread. That's rule number zero of writing. standing on the middle of a sandy street, both of them wearing ponchos and western hats. If you're trying to establish this as a typical Western-movie town, it's very poor form to explicitly use the phrase "western hats". Especially since those hats do have a real name - they're called "Stetsons", or at least "ten gallons". Other people could be seen among the shadows, watching the two men. They weren't moving, only staring at eachothers. Their shadows grew longer as the sun was decending on the horizon. PROOFREADING Also, apparently these guys are standing here doing nothing for so long that the sun sets enough for the shadows to become appreciably longer. Shouldn't these chaps be getting on with their gunfight or whatever they're up to? And if they're not going to, don't all these spectators have anything better to do than staring at two men doing nothing? "Is father going to be alright?" A boy asked his mother, who quickly made a hushing sound, signaling to the boy to be quiet. As opposed to a quiet hushing sound that signaled the boy to speak louder. Yes, I know that I sound like I'm being petulant and nit-picky and some other mean words here, or at least just throwing this comment in for purely comedic effect rather than serious criticism, but that is by no means the case. This is an important facet of writing. If you've already said something, you shouldn't repeat yourself, and if you've already made something clear, you shouldn't explicitly state it; that's pointless and clumsy and stupid and makes the work worse. One of the men was bearded, but one couldn't see any facial features under the shadow of the hat, but one could see that he was sweating We can see his beard, but we can't see any of his facial features, but we can see his sweat? I expect the next line to reveal that the man was invisible and the line after that to reveal that everyone could see his green eyes. as the other mans shadow came closer. One might think that an apostrophe was dropped here due to a lack of PROOFREADING, but that is not the case; MANSHADOW is the name of a character, the hammiest shadow in existence, played by BRIANSHADOWBLESSED. The bearded man was called Gilbert Falklore, the mayor of the small town called The Sand Pit in the middle of the Nevada Desert. This one may also sound like a minor nitpick and stuff, and this time it's probably because it is: using the word "called" twice in succession here sounds terribly awkward. Reusing prominent words unnecessarily in quick succession makes for poor style, and it's worse when the recycled word is both cases used in an odd-sounding expression; saying that one thing is "called" something is reasonable, but when you start giving names only by what things are "called" and never by what things "are", things start to feel very strange. Why ahd the stranger come all the way here, and why ahd he challanged the mayor to a duel? Why AHD he CHALLANGED the mayor to a duel? Because he's MANSHADOW! Stand back; MANSHADOW takes large steps! "When my shadow touches your feet I will draw!" The stranger suddenly called out. MANSHADOW initiates all combat by counting coup - he doesn't attack until he's slowly poked his foe. Why? Because he's MANSHADOW, and MANSHADOW derives his power from whatever he feels like because MANSHADOW is just that awesome and this joke isn't really funny so I'm going to stop now. Seriously, though, why is this story so obsessed with peoples' shadows? Especially MANSHADOW? The stranger looked up and his facial structure could now be seen. Black hair could be seen under his hat, and his eyes was yellow. His left eye had a small, yellow tattoo under it. A criminal marker used to point out and track criminals. And another thing: I know you're trying to simulate an anime series here or something, but the fact of the matter than you're going to have to accept is that you're not, you're writing a text-only story, and a text-only story does not need to - and should not - read like the transcript of an episode of an audiovisual television series. Case in point: every single bloody time you talk about what can and can't "be seen", I want to stop reading. He's a criminal, but I'm not only the mayor of this town; I am also a honorful duelist, and an honorful duelist never turns a duel down! PROOFREADING Not to mention that that makes no sense at all. If people can always just challenge you to duels to get out of anything, then the only way you're ever going to get any law enforcement done is to sneak up on people and knock them unconscious before they can challenge you to a duel. And that certainly doesn't sound terribly honourable "honorful" to me. "That's fine by me!" Gilbert said and stuck his hand underneath the poncho, ready to draw his Crashtown Duel Disk, a model first used in Crashtown, thereby the name. "Thereby" is not the word you're looking for. "Hence" is probably the word you're looking for, but considering that all you're doing with that last phrase is confirming that the Crashtown Duel Disk, which was first used in Crashtown, first got its name because Crashtown was where it was first used, you'd be better off cutting that awful phrase and not looking for any words. Gilbert knew that the stranger also was carrying one, Duelists who duel with duel disks carry duel disks!? To make a deduction like that, Gilbert must be a genius! so the one who drew the quickest wuld be the one to start the duel. PROOFREADING So "draw" now refers both to producing your Duel Disk and to adding cards from your deck to your hand? It seems like this system for determining turn order would normally just lead to arguments over "Your shadow didn't touch me yet!", "MANSHADOW totally touched you!", and so on, but I suppose it's more interesting than a coin flip. "Do you know why I came to this village to challenge you?" The stranger's question came a like a lightning from a clear sky. Why is it so surprising? It seems like a perfectly straightforward question. What, does Gilbert think the world is composed of random people of Chaotic Hategilbert alignment who just challenge him to duels for no reason? Of course Gilbert didn't know that, That was already established, both through Gilbert's absurd overreaction to the question and through the part a few paragraphs above where you explicitly stated that Gilbert didn't know why he was being challenged. Can this story get more repetitive? the stranger never told him! "Oh right... I never told you. Yes. New drinking game rule: whenever this sort of idiotic repetition occurs, take no sips and slash your wrists. Drinking is far too slow a method to end this sort of pain. I came here because I saw potential in you. Because your duel energy is very high.""My duel energy?" Gilbert was confused. What was this "duel energy" the stranger was talking about? When Gilbert was confused over that "duel energy" line, I thought it was because he realized he left the oven burning at his house, but now I know it was actually because he was wondering what this "duel energy" was. It's a good thing an extra sentence was added to clear up that ambiguity. *slashwrists* Gilbert looked at the shadow, it was creeping closer for every second. "What is this 'duel energy' you're talking about?" You were going to have that exact line in dialogue two sentences later anyhow?! Are you being paid by the word here? *slashwrists* The stranger smiled, but didn't answer. A moment of silence took place untill PROOFREADING Also, saying that the stranger didn't answer and then saying that a moment of silence took place counts as redundant repetition, so take out your razors and use them to take out your wrists. the stranger finally spoke."Gilbert... What if I said I placed a bomb at your house, and that your family is in danger right now?" The stranger smiled again. All this use of the phrase "the stranger" makes me wonder if this is actually a Songfic for a much better song. Gilbert quickly looked towards his family who was standing in the shadows closest to Gilbert. They were perfectly safe there. A sound was heard from the stranger; a clicking sound and the sound of drawing cards. Gilbert looked at the shadow that was now making it's way atop his brown leather boots. Empty threats. Empty threats used to draw Gilbert's attention from the shadow. PROOFREADING Yes, Gilbert, thank you for clearing up exactly how you were conned. Everyone else figured it out as soon as the other guy made a sound, but you thought you had to explain it to us just because it took you ages to figure it out, didn't you? Well, Gilbert, the only explanation I want is an explanation why you seem so dedicated to murdering my poor little wrists. "Looks like I drew faster than you!" The stranger's face was painted with a malicious grin while Gilbert also drew his Duel Disk and cards. "That means that I will have the honor to start, doesn't it? Yes. Yes it does. That was indeed the purpose of your ploy and mirrors the only bloody rule established in this story. Draw!" The stranger drew a card and looked at his hand. Stroking his index finger and thumb across the cards he finally found one suitable for the situation. I'm going to be honest here: fanfiction duels really don't interest me that much, so I'm sure I'll get bored fairly quickly in this section. Or, that is, I would get bored fairly quickly if I weren't already bored from all the repetition repetition repetition. "I activate Soul of Fire!" He placed the card on his Duel Disk. "The card let's PROOFREADING you draw a card!" The stranger eyed Gilbert as the mayor drew a card. "I will then removed from play PROOFREADING a Pyro monsterf rom PROOFREADING my Deck to deal damage to you!" The stranger pulled a card out of his Deck and showed it to his opponent. "Now you will take damage equal to half it's PROOFREADING attack points!"The mayor immediately caught on fire and moaned when his life points was PROOFREADING reduced by 1200. (2800) That's five critical proofreading failures in a single basic move of the game. Did you blindfold yourself while typing this up to give yourself an extra challenge? Trust me when I say that you really don't need any more challenge at writing. And why don't we get to see what monster was removed? Gilbert saw it, and I'm sure your virtual anime camera saw it, so why doesn't your transcription tell us something that is public information? "A nice move, but it won't be enough to crush me!" Gilbert had a faint smile on his face and the fire faded away."Nothing's wrong with your fighting spirit, that's a fact!" The stranger was still smiling. "I will also summon Volcanic Revolver in attack mode!"An armored monster appeared. It had a face resembling a two-barreled revolver."Activating monster effect! As long as I don't attack during this turn, I can discard two monsters from my hand to deal damage to you equal to half the total attack of those monsters!" The stranger picked out two cards from his hands and placed them in the graveyard zone."I discard Volcanic Doombarrel and another Volcanic Revolver! Their total attack points equal 4400!"The monster on the strangers field took aim at Gilbert and fired tow balls of fire at him. Despite the fact that it was only a hologram, Gilbert was knocked back, his hat falling off, by the shock when his life points was decreased to a mere six hundred."I set a card and will end my turn!" The stranger chuckled when the old mayor was struggling to get on his legs again. Burn decks are horribly broken when you're playing with anime rules and only start with 4000 Life Points. If you want to create the impression that the in-universe game isn't horribly broken (and that it thus makes the least bit of sense for anyone to every play it), it's probably not a good idea to highlight how broken the game is in the prologue. "My turn! Draw!" Gilbert said and made ready to draw a card but before he could draw it...Suddenly, a boom echoed across the desert village, and Gilbert dropped to the ground. His life points was reduced to 0. The stranger was now holding his Crashtown Duel Disk like a real revolver and was aiming towards the seemingly dead Gilbert Falklore."I activate my Trap. Quickfire!" The face-down card next to the stranger was flipped face-up and revealed the Quickfire card. "I can only activate this card when you're about to draw a card. I make you discard the card, and you take damage equal to the number of cards in your hand times hundred." Whee, we have a completely unstoppable FTK. What a great game that it totally makes sense for adults to play seriously! The stranger spinned the Duel Disk on his finger and then placed it back into it's holster. The sun had now decended completely, and the street was only lit up by a the light coming out of a nearby window and the reflection of the blue moon. The stranger walked up to the mayor and kneeled in front of him. More PROFREADING here, but how is it already night? The duel was one bloody turn long; even with anime-style overly-dramatic moves, it shouldn't have taken more than five minutes. "You didn't even give me chance to see your potential." The stranger has to be the one saying this, since he's the one who wanted to see the mayor's potential, but the stranger was the one who pulled an FTK and thus denied the mayor the chance to show his potential, so this line still doesn't make sense. Unless, of course, the stranger is like an abusive husband who says "Why did you make me have to hit you?" or something like that, but even that explanation seems weak and silly. The stranger smiled and placed his hand on the mayor's head. The stranger's hand was lit up, and he then raised to a standing position again and looked towards the crowd."You should probably pray for this dead man while you can!" He shouted and laughed. A strong wind suddenly blew from behind the stranger, bringing a big amount of sand, blinding the crowd. When they finally could see again, the stranger was gone. And moment later, the bomb blew the whole village away. This is the best possible ending this story could have had: BOMB FALLS EVERYONE DIES Besides the perk of being mercifully short, the duel was awful even by the standards of fanfic duels due to demonstrating that the game around which everyone's lives are structured is an unplayably broken mess if you don't open with Hanewata. The writing was awful, not only due to a complete failure of PROOFREADING (and even of a simple Microsoft Word Spellcheck) but also because of an absurd amount of awkward and pointless repetition. And as for the plot - well, not a whole lot actually happened, since they spent two-thirds of the chapter staring at each other admiring their manly shadows. I know it's just the prologue, but the Words to Stuff That Happened ratio was still extremely high. And the overall story that was set up seems to be... some shadow-obsessed guy with a broken deck is dueling people with high energy, doing bad stuff to the people he beats, and then laughing as he wipes out bystanders. Isn't that the plot of, like, every single season of the actual anime? Transporting it to a Western setting is new, but that's all that's new. And a quick skim of Chapter 1 shows that your next plot development is to pull out that old, overused protagonist-with-amnesia trope. This story has a lot of negative aspects but no real positive aspects. That's all there is to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valliant12 Posted May 19, 2010 Report Share Posted May 19, 2010 That was harsh but unfortunately true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tortoise Kyle Posted May 19, 2010 Report Share Posted May 19, 2010 Crab Helmet, I believe you could have insulted him much more than you did. I distincly remember an insultable part that you didn't insult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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