-Lightray Daedalus- Posted May 10, 2010 Report Share Posted May 10, 2010 Wow this got posted by accident...so early lol...Well anyways this was a fanfic I was writing here when I was a noob....I decided to retake it but since last one wasn't so well written I thought of starting again from the beginning....so..well thought I don't have an excellent English i try my best here....HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS!!!!!!!!!!! [spoiler=[b]Chapter 1[/b]]Starting Recording..... - Hi Mother, its me Ryu, again-A brown haired boy is sitting on a desk and started to talk to its computer's camera. - I know that you went into pursuing your most desired dreams 3 months ago...but I still can't stop feeling that there was something more, something you didn't tell me about this trip...and I can't still stop being mad at you for what you did to me.- Ryu crossed its arms and show a very angry expression. His face also show sadness. - I… really don't like this place... I mean, living with uncle Otogo shouldn't be so bad, he a nice person and all but...I think he is a little crazy you know? - Ryu laughed for a while before getting serious again.-But the truth is, I tried to don't bother about this, about the changes, leaving my house, leaving my friends. I also tried to star a new life here...I tried as long as I have hopes in that you will still be in contact...But it was my birthday two weeks ago. Yes mother I'm 15 now. Too bad I didn't even got a call from you. That kind of things are frustrating you know? It makes me mad to thing you were such a...-Ryu suddenly stopped himself and started to feel bad about everything he was saying so he decided to turn off the camera, and while he did it he whispered.- I miss you.- • Turn 1: Stories Starts in the Beginning. Enters Ryu!!! Ryuichi Ryusaki is a 15 year old boy. 3 months ago he moved in to his uncle's house in Nishigawa City. He was originally from Midoru City and lived with his mother until she decided to go on a trip of self discovery. Ryu was still sit in his chair. He was lost on his thoughts. Suddenly a shadowing figure appears behind him and started to getting closer. Its strong breath alert Ryu that something was wrong there...but before he could think of anything a hand posed on Ryu's shoulder. Ryu got really scared and jump off the chair headbutting the person who was behind him all the time. It turns out to be Otogo. -Ryu you little idiot!!! Damn, I think you broke my nose!!!- Says Otogo as he cover his nose where Ryu headbutted him. Ryu also was touching his head because its hurts him, but suddenly started to yell madly at Otogo. -WELL EXCUSE ME!!! I was not the one that came here all sneaky and tried to kill me of a heart attack!....Also I already told you I'm not interested in spending time with you just leave me alone in my room and go away...just like my mother did!- Otogo couldn't avoid feeling angry at this words. However he calm down himself quickly. -Yeah I forgot that since you came here and became 15 you are “Mr. Negativity”- Otogo look down at Ryu taunting him. -That is not of your business, old man- Ryu lay on his bed and started to look at the wall...trying to make Otogo leave the room. -I see.- Otogo tried to look clever as he leaves the room – Well I would know that I shouldn't bother you anymore...- He stayed in the door an pay a look at Ryu again – Even if it is to handle you a letter from you mother. - After saying that he started to leave when he was stopped by Ryu.-Wait! What did you say?- Ryu Turned back and look at Otogo, his attitude totally changed. -Yes I got this letter in the morning, it is from Anko...do you want it? - Otogo takes a letter from his waistcoat and showed it to Ryu. After doubting it for a minute Ryu decided to take it. But for Otogo's surprise he didn't open it immediately, he left the letter in his deck and went back to his bed. Otogo left the room annoyed by this reaction but he seems to remember something that calm him down. Some hours has passed and Ryu, who has quickly fell asleep, suddenly wakes up. He looks at the city through his window. It is becoming dark, and the light of the top building starts to light up. Ryu looks at the letter in his desk again. He decided that he want to go out and take some fresh air, so he takes the letter and keep it in his pocket, then he opens the window and jumps out, landing in the backyard, while walking near the kitchen's window he went all sneaky so Otogo couldn't realize that he left his room. But suddenly he was curious at what Otogo was doing there so he took a peek through the window. Otogo was looking an old photo album while smoking a pipe. The photo he was looking showed a seemingly young version of himself, hugging a young brown haired girl and another gray haired boy. All of them were holding Duel Disks in their arms and Otogo was holding a trophy. Otogo noticed that the page the photo was in, was very old and he decided to take the photo off the page to paste it in another one. While he was going to take some paste from a box near the kitchen's table, Ryu left the window and started to run off heading to the city. While he run, he remembered some moments of his childhood. And as he keep running memories of his past haunted him, but also he started to feel that he was letting this situation take control of his life and he was losing much. While the thought of this he didn't noticed that someone was coming across him and the next thing Ryu felt was he falling into the ground. “Damn it!” Thought Ryu as he try to get himself up again. He feels dizzy because of the fall. - Eh...excuse...excuse me, can you...move please? - A sweet and very feminine voice, comes from the girl Ryu had fallen over. -Wait what?- Ryu looked down a saw a Light brown haired girl, looking at him all blushed – Oh god Sorry, I mean I haven't seen you! - Ryu Jumps off of the girl embarrassed.- It's OK I'm fine. - The girl started to pick up her stuffs and then asked. - I haven't seen you around, do you live in this town? -- Ehm?...Oh Yeah well...I moved here like 3 months ago and...am...I'm Ryu..nice to meet you...i guess. - Ryu says as he help her getting up.- I see, I'm Asuka - She answered. - so you look around my age. I'm 14 but I'll be 15 soon. I guess if we go to the same academy we can get along. - She smiled.- Academy, you mean like High School, right? - Ryu asked- Oh Yeah, well here we have an Academy, we learn the same things than in a normal High School, and we get our first steps at Dueling, you know.- Asuka answered happily.- They teach you how to duel at school?- Ryu was kinda shocked by this news.-Yes of course we even start...- Asuka watched his bags and realized that she was late – Oh god I'm so late I gotta make the dinner, sorry Ryu, I must leave you...-Asuka turned around and begins to run, she looked back and said – See you in classes then!!!. Ryu say goodbye to Asuka waving his hand. An awful feeling come to him again, he remembered that his mother never told him what was going to happen with his education. He decided it was time to come back home...and started to walk again. When he gets home he forgot he has run away and he encounters Otogo in the front door. “Damn it, He must be mad at me now...Why was so stupid.” Ryu thought while Otogo lead him to the kitchen “He might want to punish me now”- Ryu – Otogo interrupted Ryu's inner talk.- Oh Yeah...”I knew it, he's gonna kill me”- Ryu started to feel scared.- Did you...read you mother's letter yet? - Otogo asked with a worried face.- Wait you are not mad at me or anything? - Ryu was shocked by his uncle's attitude.- Why would I? Yes you go out without my permission but...you gotta understand I'm not your father, so I can't being all that bossy with you...even when you mother left me the responsibility of taking care of you. - Otogo explained as he serves Ryu a cup off coffee.- I...see - Ryu felt terrible for his behavior since he gets there and started to understand Otogo's feelings..and how much he care for him.- Thanks, Otogo senpai - Otogo feels please with this. In that moment Ryu takes the letter from his pocket and opens it, when he took the letter from the envelope, a Duel Monsters card fall from it. Ryu took it, and smiled. He then proceed to read the letter. A few minutes latter he finished and started to cry...the letter explained that his mother was out of the country for a few months so she couldn't keep in contact with him...and sadly she will be on a new travel very soon..but she promised making everything as possible to return soon. - It's ok son I'll take care of you as long as you need it...which means I gotta tell you something - Otogo tried to comfort Ryu.-No, I mean I'm no sad or anything I'm happy now. You know? - Ryu laughed for a while and then asked. - What you got to tell me is about my education right?. - Otogo was pleased to see how Ryu was not depressed anymore, he sees a new spark of happiness on him. He nodded and said. - YEAH! - Otogo seriousness disappeared quickly and he started to act as usual – I need to inform you that you are starting school!!!! - Ryu attitude also change to more cheer one – Hahaha I knew it well I can't wait for this year to begins – Ryu started to walk to his room. - Ryu!!! - Otogo interrupted him. - Did I told you you start classes TOMORROW???...Hahaha – Otogo started to read a book as he left Ryu go back to his room – I must have forgotten. - Ryu stopped there...and turns on Otogo madly again – YOU SAID TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!. - CALM DOWN! - Otogo shouted as he takes a deck from his waistcoat – I made this one for you since you didn't get your deck from home...and one more thing – Ryu and Otogo were silent for a minute. - Good Luck. Ryu smiled as he took the deck and placed the card his mother sent him on it. He thanked Otogo and head back to his room. Once he got there he put it in his deck and turn out his computer's camera once again. -Hi mother, it's me Ryu again – He said. - Seems like...I'll have and interesting year after all...Thanks for all. - The camera then turned off... Recording Finished Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted May 10, 2010 Report Share Posted May 10, 2010 Kukukuku. Mind if I provide my thoughts on this fic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Lightray Daedalus- Posted May 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2010 Kukukuku. Mind if I provide my thoughts on this fic? You just Laugh like Kogarashi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Foe Fiction - because painfully bad fanfics deserve to be hurt back. DAMN! Hahaha Go ahead rape it....But Just in case....I already explained my English is NOT THAT GOOD...XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Lightray Daedalus- Posted May 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2010 AHm...I will wait for at least a couple comments before posting anything else...I guess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted May 13, 2010 Report Share Posted May 13, 2010 The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud. Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading. If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction. Apparently, -Đædalus- does not have terribly good English, so I have been asked not to harp on the limitless spelling, grammar, agreement, and other basic mechanical errors that plague this story. So I won't, except when things get too egregious, which is perfectly possible. However, bear in mind that -Đædalus- having an excuse for these shortcomings does not make them any less annoying to the reader. Oh, and as usual, I'll be reviewing this blind. Let's begin. In this forum there are forty people. None of them can write a good fanfic. In this film we hope to show you how not to write a good fanfic. Starting Recording..... HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT TO WRITE A GOOD FANFIC" - Hi Mother, its me Ryu, again- This is Mr. E.R. Ryu of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE5. He can not write a good fanfic. Now, I am going to ask him to provide thinly-justified exposition. Mr. Ryu, will you provide thinly-justified exposition, please? A brown haired boy is sitting on a desk and started to talk to its computer's camera.- I know that you went into pursuing your most desired dreams 3 months ago... A good fanfic would need to come up with a better excuse for providing information than to have one character tell another character something that both of them obviously already know for the sole benefit of the audience. As you might imagine, this is rather more difficult than writing a bad fanfic, in which you can just insert nonsensical lines like this. This demonstrates the value of not writing a good fanfic. but I still can't stop feeling that there was something more, something you didn't tell me about this trip...and I can't still stop being mad at you for what you did to me.- In this dialogue we cannot glean concrete information due to awkward, dancing-around-the-point written by Mrs. B.J. -Đædalus- of 13, The Cresent, Belmont. Mrs. -Đædalus-, will you provide subtle hints as to your character's feelings without doing anything so crude and unskilled as to explicitly state them instead of simply demonstrating them, please? Ryu crossed its arms and show a very angry expression. His face also show sadness. This is Mr. Otogo of Harlow New Town. Mr. Otogo, would you awkwardly introduce yourself through more dialogue between characters who already have all of the information being conveyed, please? - I… really don't like this place... I mean, living with uncle Otogo shouldn't be so bad, he a nice person and all but...I think he is a little crazy you know? - Mr. Otogo has learned the first rule of not writing a good fanfic - don't write good dialogue. However, this commentary has chosen a rather unfunny extended reference to one scene from a horribly overquoted comedy series, and therefore... *explosion* Ryu laughed for a while before getting serious again. Ryu, you were just very angry and sad. I know so because the author said so. Then you said you didn't like where you were living because the person looking after you was crazy. But now, out of nowhere, you've broken down into nervous laughter. Considering Ryu's random, sudden, extreme mood swings and responses that do not match the actual situation at hand, it seems clear that Otogo isn't the crazy one - Ryu is. -But the truth is, I tried to don't bother about this, about the changes, leaving my house, leaving my friends. I also tried to star a new life here...I tried as long as I have hopes in that you will still be in contact...But it was my birthday two weeks ago. Yes mother I'm 15 now. Too bad I didn't even got a call from you. That kind of things are frustrating you know? It makes me mad to thing you were such a...- Really, his mother didn't call because it wasn't actually Ryu's birthday. Ryu's just insane. Also, for someone who's supposedly so mad about suffering parental abandonment and all these other problems and who has these rapid, extreme mood swings, Ryu seems awfully calm and composed here. I mean, he's using I-statements here. I feel that it is unrealistic when you write dialogue like this with I-statements because people almost never speak like that even at the best of times, let alone when they're this angry and I would like you to write more realistic dialogue. Of course, the reason for this inconsistency is just more bad writing. As we have shown before, -Đædalus- conveys character's emotions by explicitly stating them - a common instance of telling over showing that seems to crop up in every Foe Fic - and so, when he's having Ryu provide exposition for him, he can only have Ryu convey that he is mad by having him explicitly state that he is mad. Come on, -Đædalus-, nobody actually talks like that in real life! You need to show that characters are mad through their actions, not through blunt statements like that! That sort of thing makes me angry! Here's the new Foe Fiction drinking game: every time a character's emotions are told instead of shown, take a sip. Ryu suddenly stopped himself and started to feel bad about everything he was saying so he decided to turn off the camera, and while he did it he whispered.- I miss you.- Take a sip. No, no, no, not more of this Narrator Says Ryu Felt This Way nonsen- you know what? Here's a quick fix: Ryu suddenly stopped himself and started to feel bad about everything he was saying so he decided to turned off the camera, and while he did it he whispered.- I miss you.- That's just a quick adjustment I made to demonstrate how easy it is to show emotions without stating them. If someone cuts off their own rant and then whispers "I miss you", we in the audience can infer that they felt bad about what they were saying (even though they were using I-statements anyhow). A quick deletion of one unnecessary block of text removed one of the problems with this section and made the writing significantly better. That's how easy improving Foe Fics is. (This is also my preemptive response to anyone who responds "Let's see you do better" to these commentaries.) • Turn 1: Stories Starts in the Beginning. Enters Ryu!!! But the story already started with that recording section before the beginning (or, alternatively, that beginning section cam before the start of the story), and Ryu was already introduced. This chapter title is a lie. Ryuichi Ryusaki is a 15 year old boy. 3 months ago he moved in to his uncle's house in Nishigawa City. He was originally from Midoru City and lived with his mother until she decided to go on a trip of self discovery. Do you guys want to know what's worse than awkward, heavy-handed exposition? It's including awkward, heavy-handed exposition and then following it with more awkward, heavy-handed exposition of exactly the same information. Ryu was still sit in his chair. He was lost on his thoughts. Suddenly a shadowing figure appears behind him and started to getting closer. Its strong breath alert Ryu that something was wrong there...but before he could think of anything a hand posed on Ryu's shoulder. Ryu got really scared Take a sip. and jump off the chair headbutting the person who was behind him all the time. It turns out to be Otogo. I feel like I'm in one of those Goosebumps books or something where every chapter ends with a cliffhanger that in ninety percent of all cases turns out to be something completely stupid caused by a delusional narrator, like when a chapter ends with him walking into his room and seeing a werewolf and the next chapter begins by informing us that "werewolf" actually means "little brother" and the narrator just somehow can't tell the difference and we're probably supposed to laugh or something. -Ryu you little idiot!!! And that was how Otogo became my favourite character in this story. Damn, I think you broke my nose!!!- Says Otogo as he cover his nose where Ryu headbutted him. Ryu also was touching his head because its hurts him, Since Otogo has been set up as some crazy guy and Ryu is our protagonist, I'm guessing we're supposed to be laughing at Otogo here and thinking everything is his fault. But since Ryu has been shown to have wild mood swings and was the one who headbutted Otogo (for the crime of walking up behind him and putting his hand on his shoulder), that's not happening. but suddenly started to yell madly Take a sip. at Otogo. -WELL EXCUSE ME!!! I was not the one that came here all sneaky and tried to kill me of a heart attack!.... Sneaky is in the eye of the beholder. Also I already told you I'm not interested in spending time with you just leave me alone in my room and go away...just like my mother did!- I get the feeling our author is trying to mold Ryu into someone like Shinji from Evangelion, but since all that psychological character development stuff is too different, he's just throwing in a basic "He gots mom isssues k??" and hoping everything works out. Not to mention that the original Shinji didn't have rapid mood swings and a tendency to headbutt everything. Otogo couldn't avoid feeling angry at this words. Take a sip. However he calm down himself quickly. Take a sip. -Yeah I forgot that since you came here and became 15 you are “Mr. Negativity”- Otogo look down at Ryu taunting him. That's the lamest taunt I've heard in my life. Also, calling Ryu "Mr. Negativity" counts as characterizing him through statements when displayed actions would suffice, so take another sip. -That is not of your business, old man- Ryu lay on his bed and started to look at the wall...trying to make Otogo leave the room. -I see.- Otogo tried to look clever Your attempt to make Otogo seem like some dumb adult who doesn't understand Ryu isn't working. as he leaves the room – Well I would know that I shouldn't bother you anymore...- He stayed in the door an pay a look at Ryu again – Even if it is to handle you a letter from you mother.- Duhn-duhn-duhn! After saying that he started to leave when he was stopped by Ryu.-Wait! What did you say?- Ryu Turned back and look at Otogo, his attitude totally changed. Gee, you think his attitude is totally changed? Thank you, Captain Obvious, for making us take another sip. -Yes I got this letter in the morning, it is from Anko...do you want it? - Otogo takes a letter from his waistcoat and showed it to Ryu. After doubting it for a minute Ryu decided to take it. The envelope is obviously a trap set by your evil uncle, Ryu. Don't trust it! But for Otogo's surprise Take a sip. he didn't open it immediately, he left the letter in his deck and went back to his bed. Ryu's an emo teen; he's supposed to do random things that involve lying around doing nothing. Otogo left the room annoyed by this reaction Take a sip. but he seems to remember something that calm him down. Take a sip. Some hours has passed and Ryu, who has quickly fell asleep, suddenly wakes up. He looks at the city through his window. It is becoming dark, and the light of the top building starts to light up. Ryu looks at the letter in his desk again. And then he opened it? He decided that he want to go out and take some fresh air, The one time our author decides not to explicitly state a character's motivations is the one time those motivations are unclear without said statement. Beyond the boilerplate "Ryu is depressed about his mom so he puts off reading the letter" explanation, I really don't see why he doesn't open the letter - particularly since he had previously complained about NOT receiving letters - and an inability to identify with the main character is generally not a terribly good thing. so he takes the letter and keep it in his pocket, then he opens the window and jumps out, landing in the backyard, while walking near the kitchen's window he went all sneaky so Otogo couldn't realize that he left his room. Bear in mind that Otogo has been established as the sneaky one. But suddenly he was curious Take a sip. at what Otogo was doing there so he took a peekthrough the window. Otogo was looking an old photo album while smoking a pipe. The photo he was looking showed a seemingly young version of himself, hugging a young brown haired girl and another gray haired boy. All of them were holding Duel Disks in their arms and Otogo was holding a trophy. Otogo noticed that the page the photo was in, was very old and he decided to take the photo off the page to paste it in another one. While he was going to take some paste from a box near the kitchen's table, Ryu left the window and started to run off heading to the city. Looking at old photographs is a rather cliche form of character development, but it beats everything that has happened so far, so it feels unfair of me to complain about it. While he run, he remembered some moments of his childhood. wait what A randomly inserted line about "And while Main Character did something he suddenly remembered The Past!, which he had presumably not forgotten before but just trust me he's super-remembering it now, honest!" seems to crop up in a lot of Foe Fics - it was certainly in that Kingdom Hearts one with the hole with not end, and it might have been in one of the others that I've forgotten. My best guess is that it's intended to simulate a Blipvert-Flashback - one of those things in television where a mundane scene with a character flashes back to half-second clips on when they were younger or something - but it's invariably random, out-of-place, awkward, and pointless. Not to mention that we're never actually told specifically what those memories that are being remembered are. And as he keep running memories of his past haunted him, This reminds me of that time when I was walking down the street and then suddenly I became haunted by an unspecified memory of when I was a kid so I started running away or something. Except that never happened because that's stupid. but also he started to feel that he was letting this situation take control of his life and he was losing much. Take a sip. This really feels like it's trying to be a debtor's Evangelion (because a regular poor man's Evangelion would still be better than this). Let's have emo teens work their way through Freudian psychological hangups, but let's skip those minor unnecessary details like the psychology, the hangups, the act of working through them, and pretty much everything else. While the thought of this he didn't noticed that someone was coming across him and the next thing Ryu felt was he falling into the ground. And suddenly Ryu found himself in a school life harem comedy. “Damn it!” Thought Ryu as he try to get himself up again. He feels dizzy because of the fall. Take a sip. - Eh...excuse...excuse me, can you...move please? - A sweet and very feminine voice, comes from the girl Ryu had fallen over. -Wait what?- Ryu looked down a saw a Light brown haired girl, looking at him all blushed – Oh god Sorry, I mean I haven't seen you! - Ryu Jumps off of the girl embarrassed. This story just got worse in the only way it could possibly have still gotten worse: by inserting fanservice. - It's OK I'm fine. - The girl started to pick up her stuffs and then asked. - I haven't seen you around, do you live in this town? - Is Nishigawa so small that any two random people on the street would be expected to know each other? If so, is Nishigawa actually Hinamizawa, and will this random girl be producing a cleaver? - Ehm?...Oh Yeah well...I moved here like 3 months ago and...am...I'm Ryu..nice to meet you...i guess. - Ryu says as he help her getting up.- I see, I'm Asuka - She answered. - ...Asuka? I was joking about this being an Evangelion clone. (Though she certainly doesn't act like Eva's or GX's Asuka.) so you look around my age. I'm 14 but I'll be 15 soon. I guess if we go to the same academy we can get along. - She smiled. Everyone in this town goes to the same academy? How small is this place? - Academy, you mean like High School, right? - Ryu asked- Oh Yeah, well here we have an Academy, we learn the same things than in a normal High School, and we get our first steps at Dueling, you know.- Asuka answered happily. People in this universe don't start learning to duel until age fifteen? Considering that GX's Duel Academy is accepting people based on them already being the best of the best in the country of their age once they reach age fifteen, it seems like anyone who waits for whatever Academy Asuka's talking about will be hopelessly far behind. - They teach you how to duel at school?- Ryu was kinda shocked by this news. Silly Ryu, you're in a Yu-Gi-Oh! GX fanfic. -Yes of course Obviously. How could we possibly have a school without card games? we even start...- Asuka watched his bags and realized that she was late – Oh god I'm so late I gotta make the dinner, sorry Ryu, I must leave you...-Asuka turned around and begins to run, she looked back and said – See you in classes then!!!. Why is she so certain that they will be going to the same school? Ryu say goodbye to Asuka waving his hand. An awful feeling come to him again, Take a sip. Also, an awful feeling comes over Ryu every paragraph; he should be used to it by now. he remembered that his mother never told him what was going to happen with his education. That's rather a large thing to overlook. Especially since you've already been living here for three months, so you've obviously missed some school already. Still, if only his mother had some way of communicating wit Ryu that she had already used but where Ryu had not yet properly received the message... something like an unopened letter or something... hmmm... He decided it was time to come back home...and started to walk again. When he gets home he forgot he has run away and he encounters Otogo in the front door. Ryu, you're no Hayabusa. “Damn it, He must be mad at me now...Why was so stupid.” Ryu thought while Otogo lead him to the kitchen “He might want to punish me now”- Ryu – Otogo interrupted Ryu's inner talk.- Oh Yeah...”I knew it, he's gonna kill me”- Ryu started to feel scared. Take a sip. Also, anyone who hasn't yet figured out that Otogo isn't going to punish him and is actually a nice guy and yadda yadda yadda, please stand up. *gunshots* This demonstrates the value of not being an idiot. - Did you...read you mother's letter yet? - Otogo asked with a worried face. Take a sip. Also, his mother's letter is a poorly-concealed Chekhov's gun containing plot-relevant details regarding his education that would ruin everything in this chapter (and therefore have no effect) if he were to actually do the sensible thing and read it. - Wait you are not mad at me or anything? - Ryu was shocked by his uncle's attitude. Take a sip. - Why would I? Yes you go out without my permission but...you gotta understand I'm not your father, so I can't being all that bossy with you...even when you mother left me the responsibility of taking care of you. - Otogo explained as he serves Ryu a cup off coffee.- I...see - Ryu felt terrible for his behavior since he gets there and started to understand Otogo's feelings..and how much he care for him. Take a sip. And so Ryu finishes figuring out what everyone else knew since the chapter started - he's a git and Otogo is a pretty cool guy. Incidentally, I find it rather interesting that Ryu's characterization of Otogo as "crazy" in the recording prologue thing was proved false, but we are still expected to take every single other instance that makes us drink at face value as perfect truth. Translator's note: "Interesting" means "stupid". - Thanks, Otogo senpai - Otogo feels please with this. Take a sip. Before this line, it seemed obvious to me that Otogo is really angry about being thanked and being understood by the angsty emo teen and blah blah blah, so it's a good thing this line was included to tell us that this was not actually the case. I would just like to point that out as a reminder of why we drink when this sort of hideous writing shows up. In that moment Ryu takes the letter from his pocket and opens it, when he took the letter from the envelope, a Duel Monsters card fall from it. Ryu took it, and smiled. He then proceed to read the letter. Remember that I'm reviewing this blind, writing my comments for each line before moving on to the next. If I refer to future plot twists like "The letter sets Ryu off to card gaming!!!!", then it's not because I've read ahead and am revealing these mad spoilers to ruin the story for you guys, it's because the twists are painfully obvious that I just guess right. A few minutes latter he finished and started to cry... I expected this to be followed by a line saying "He started to cry because he felt emotional". the letter explained that his mother was out of the country for a few months so she couldn't keep in contact with him...and sadly she will be on a new travel very soon..but she promised making everything as possible to return soon. Waitaminute, the full contents of the letter were a trading card and a notice saying that she wouldn't be sending any more letters? Considering that the letters only seem to exist to discuss the letters themselves, what's the point of the letters? Also, apparently the letter just contained a card but didn't tell Ryu to go to duel school. I was wrong, and I was wrong immediately after posting three lines explaining that things were so obvious that I was always right. There's a fail for me... though all it means is that Otogo will be explaining the schooling based on the instructions of the letter's author and the letter will only be hinting absurdly strongly at them, which is still so close as to be functionally equivalent. - It's ok son I'll take care of you as long as you need it...which means I gotta tell you something - Otogo tried to comfort Ryu.-No, I mean I'm no sad or anything I'm happy now. You know? - Ryu laughed for a while and then asked. - What you got to tell me is about my education right?. - See, even this idiot Ryu has figured out the plot. Otogo was pleased to see how Ryu was not depressed anymore, he sees a new spark of happiness on him. He nodded and said. - YEAH! - Otogo seriousness disappeared quickly and he started to act as usual – I need to inform you that you are starting school!!!! - A school-age boy going to school!? Impossible! What a twist! Ryu attitude also change to more cheer one – Hahaha I knew it well I can't wait for this year to begins – Ryu started to walk to his room. - Ryu!!! - Otogo interrupted him. - Did I told you you start classes TOMORROW???...Hahaha – And suddenly Otogo's status as a reasonable authority figure becomes questionable. Otogo started to read a book as he left Ryu go back to his room – I must have forgotten. - Ryu stopped there...and turns on Otogo madly again – YOU SAID TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!. - CALM DOWN! - Otogo shouted as he takes a deck from his waistcoat – I made this one for you since you didn't get your deck from home... Asuka said their school did normal classes plus a bit of intro to dueling. That means that handing someone a deck is not appropriate preparation for school, especially on zero notice. Ryu's going to need at the very least notebooks, folders, and other stuff. and one more thing – Ryu and Otogo were silent for a minute. - Good Luck. Ryu smiled as he took the deck and placed the card his mother sent him on it. He thanked Otogo and head back to his room. By the way, I wasn't keeping track during that whole last scene, so just drain your glass, pour yourself a new one, and then drain that one too. Once he got there he put it in his deck Ryu doesn't know what his deck is or how it works, and as far as we know he hasn't even read the card he received, but Ryu just throws the card in there randomly. It's a good thing Ryu's school seems to teach dueling for complete novices. and turn out his computer's camera once again. -Hi mother, it's me Ryu again – He said. - Seems like...I'll have and interesting year after all...Thanks for all. - The camera then turned off... Is he actually sending these recordings to his mother? If so, why doesn't she respond to them, and why does she use ordinary snail mail for her messages, and why would going out of the country cut off their contact? If not, why does he make them? Recording Finished And that brings us to the end of this story. The only nice thing I can say about this story is that the Otogo-is-good twist was good in the sense that it subverted the telling-over-showing convention and was hinted at enough that it didn't come out of nowhere and could be figured out by the reader in advance. Unfortunately, any points the story earned for that perk it lost because Otogo's goodness was so heavily telegraphed that you'd have to be an idiot not to suspect it from the very start and because telling-over-showing was always one hundred percent reliable in every other instance (and anyone who used to have functioning liver knows just how many of those other instances there were). Meanwhile, the dialogue was awkward, the plot twists were obvious, the characters took nonsensical actions to suit the plot, the place of card games in the world is not at all clear - they're universal enough that ordinary schools use them but rare enough that Ryu had never played before? They can't be going to Duel Academy itself, since Ryu couldn't possibly pass the entrance test... - the psychology was amateurish and shoehorned in (I still can't get over that scene where he literally runs from unspecified ghosts of his past or something), the exposition was awkward, and I just can't think of any positive aspects to balance out all of these shortcomings. And that's not even getting into the spelling and grammar, which I did avoid harping on but which still makes the story even less readable (and the not-speaking-English-well excuse doesn't cover the bizarre use of hyphens instead of quotation marks). If only this story had itself watched How Not To Be Seen, perhaps I would have been spared my suffering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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