Kingdom hearts: A forgotten Tale(Fanfic)

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

[align=center] Kingdom Hearts: The Forgotten Tale

A long time ago, in a world that never was. An old villain by the name of Master Illiaster. A man with a maiden with the power of people's memories. Alongside him is a young sword master with the power over people's hearts. Altogether they created new kinds of beings. A being with its heart collapsed and no memories, yet still living. They are called Neo-Minds. And the fusion of a heartless and a nobody which is called a Shellxart. The process of making these beings is unknown but they are being made very fast. The Shellxart have power over Nothing and Darkness. They are unaffected by the keyblade like beings without darkness. The neo-minds double for every one beaten until the maximum can be killed at the same exact time. Illiaster walked down the hall. He was checking on the progress of the perfect being. But all he saw were Shellxarts and Neo-minds. He opened a dark portal to the world Radiant Garden. Meanwhile in Radiant Garden a meeting was beginning.

 

In a world called Radiant Garden, there is a castle home to the Army of Light or World Restoration Organization. Atop the highest tower there are 10 people in white cloaks discussing a variety of things. Then a person in a sapphire cloak walks in and sits in the chair at the end of the table. The people in the white cloak begin to quiet down. The person in the sapphire cloak takes off her hood and a 16 year old girl is what they see. The guard on her right is eying her in a lover's protective way. She looks up and says "Denizens of light, representatives of worlds. We come here to discuss about the problems appearing our worlds. People are disappearing and monsters are appearing. We have to do something about this." A member on the left says “We have indeed seen this. In fact, I’ve heard the old witch Maleficent is adding to the problem” A large person in a white cloak stands up and says "This is nonsense, the prophecy is wrong. This girl cannot be the one who mothers the Supreme Princess of Light and the one who is said to connect his heart with anyone and bring them to the side of Light"

A man in an emerald coat walks in and sticks out his hand and shoots a beam of light to a tablet. The tablet lit up and a scene played out. A brown haired boy with the original keyblade of Light and a red-haired girl with the Keyblade of Hearts are together. Scenes of the future show different events that happen. Then one of them dies. The girl stands up with tears in her eyes and says "this meeting is over"

The people in cloaks of white open up portals of light and walk out. The man in the emerald coat walks up to her and asks “Annie, are you okay.” Annie wiped away her tears and replied “Yes, I am okay Paris. Leave me alone as I want to go to my chambers.” Paris looked at her sternly and said “As you wish, but once you’re my bride. There will be no more secrets.” Annie stood up and replied “I do not love you. You only want the throne once my father dies.” Paris replied angrily “Whether you like it or not, your father is required to let me marry you. You know of the treaty.” Annie looked at him in the face and said “I wish you were dead. Get out of here.” Paris had had enough and said “As you wish my lady.” Annie walked up to one of the knights and whispered “We’re alone” and the knight replied “May I take thy maiden for a walk?” Annie blushed and kissed the knight on the cheek. “You always can William. My heart is yours.” William replied “and you have the key to my heart” Annie began walking down the hallway with William. The other knights hesitated for a moment and Annie said “It’s okay, I only need him.” The two arrived in the courtyard and Annie saw her father reading a book on a bench. Annie ran up to him and asked “Father, do I have to marry Paris.” Her father, Ansem, replied “Yes you do. None of the other worlds have a warrior as great as Paris. Only the head captain, William here is stronger than him. And you know the code.” Annie looked up at William and then her father. She said “But father, you are the king. You can change their rules” Ansem looked at William and asked “Are you implying that you love William.”

Annie hesitated and said “no father, it’s just, you know. He was practically raised as a member of the family. He is like a brother to me. He is the one I want to marry” Ansem had an angry look but it settled into a smile. “I will see what I can do. Perhaps that daughter of yours can marry the other prophesized wielder. The bishops have seen much potential as a warrior.” Annie said “Oh daddy, thank you” Annie jumped and hugged her father. Ansem looked at William and asked “And what do you think of this William” William was speechless and immediately answered “I will be on duty for eternally as her protector” Ansem nodded and said “Wise answer my boy”

Master Illiaster walked out of the dark portal and saw Ansem and Annie. Illiaster said “Nice to see you again Ansem. Remember our last encounter?” Ansem clutched his chest and said “Yes, you killed my wife and Annie’s mother” Illiaster said “Yes, that was 6 years ago, yes? William summoned his sword and shot a beam of light at Iilliaster. Illiaster was hit square in the chest and said “Hah, mere child’splay. Put down that sword boy” Paris jumped out the sky and slammed his sword into the ground. Mass amounts of earth were sent flying at Illiaster. Illiaster took the hit and said “You’re quite a random one. “ illiaster warped behind Paris and gripped him, froze his arm and shattered it. Illiaster took a step back and said “I’ll let my friends take care of you” He summoned 3 neo-minds and 2 shellxarts. Paris with one arm shot a ball of fire at the neo-minds. William said “You idiot!! You kill them at the same time or they just keep on reappearing” Paris replied “Oh shi-. Well 6 isn’t a problem.” 6 ne-minds appeared. William summoned bolts of lightning and vanquished the neo-minds. William then summoned his second sword and started cutting down the Shellxarts.[/align]

 

 

I decided to make a fanfic after my RP. I hope this is good. I think I put too much dialogue.

[~Marluxia~]

I don't like how you state your sentances, but no ones perfect.

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

I don't like how you state your sentances' date=' but no ones perfect.

[/quote']

 

It's how I talk while writing, sorry. This is just a preview. I'm expecting this to be 4-5 pages.

[~Marluxia~]

Oh. Although myself, I have Experience in writing. May I help?

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

Oh. Although myself' date=' I have Experience in writing. May I help?

[/quote']

 

I do as well. Writers have their own styles but feel free to critique. Just don't tell me to change the type of sentences. the align thing is habit.

[CrabHelmet]

Kukukuku. Mind if I provide my thoughts on this fic?

[Nexev]

I got bored I'd have to be honest.

 

I can't complain about any specifics because nothing could grab my attention long enough for it to bug me.

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

Kukukuku. Mind if I provide my thoughts on this fic?

 

Sure, I don't mind

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

bump

[CrabHelmet]

The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

Before we begin, I would like to note that the story is center-aligned and suffers from a lack of paragraph breaks, which makes the whole thing even harder to read. It won't show up in my commentary because I reformat it to interrupt after every sentence, but just bear that in mind throughout all of this. Besides my glimpse of the formatting, this is another blind review.

 

We'll start with the title.

 

Kingdom Hearts: The Forgotten Tale

 

That's how it's written in the text. In the topic title, "hearts" and "forgotten" are not capitalized. That is not a terribly encouraging sign.

 

A long time ago, in a world that never was.

 

Isn't there a place in Kingdom Hearts canon called the World That Never Was? It's a good thing I knew that already, since the fact that it isn't capitalized here would otherwise lead me to deem it pretentious nonsense.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

An old villain by the name of Master Illiaster.

 

I have no idea whether he's a canon character or not. If he is, then he hardly needs to you come out and tell us that he's a villain. If he's not, then it's a very bad idea to introduce characters by saying "This is his name he is the villain u shudnt like him!", since that's just seven kinds of bad writing.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

A man with a maiden with the power of people's memories.

 

A list of one-byte descriptions of characters.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

Alongside him is a young sword master with the power over people's hearts.

 

That actually is a sentence. This just proves that the story didn't start with a series of sentence fragments out; it started with a series of sentence fragments because JadenxAtemYAOI doesn't know what a complete sentence is.

 

Altogether they created new kinds of beings.

 

Everybody: "They created new kinds of beings."

 

I really hope someone says the word "surely" in this story so I can steal that joke from Airplane! as well.

 

A being with its heart collapsed and no memories, yet still living.

 

And we're back to sentence fragments. Splendid.

 

They are called Neo-Minds.

 

Keanu Reeves: "Neo very much Minds that you're associating him with this awful story."

 

And the fusion of a heartless and a nobody which is called a Shellxart.

 

...is that some sort of DeviantArt spinoff splinter site or something?

 

Also, my meager second-hand knowledge of the Kingdom Heartsverse tells me that a Heartless has a heart but no body or soul and a Nobody has a body and soul but no heart, so why isn't a fusion of them just an ordinary person?

 

The process of making these beings is unknown

 

First of all, everything here is being infodumped on us by an omniscient third-person narrator, so nothing here is actually not known to our disembodied exposition guy here. Second of all, we were just told that they were formed by fusing a Heartless and a Nobody; that seems to fairly neatly sum up how these beings are made to me.

 

but they are being made very fast. The Shellxart have power over Nothing and Darkness. They are unaffected by the keyblade like beings without darkness. The neo-minds double for every one beaten until the maximum can be killed at the same exact time.

 

I don't have a whole lot to say about all of this, but fortunately I have plenty to say about why I don't have a whole lot to say about all of this. The reason is that this whole opening to the story is just a dry series of pieces of exposition introduced without so much as a framing device - which, while not as grating as awkward dialogue in which characters tell each other information that each of them already knows for the reader's benefit, is still a clumsy and uninteresting way of providing exposition and introducing the setting. And it doesn't give me anything funny to say.

 

Illiaster walked down the hall. He was checking on the progress of the perfect being. But all he saw were Shellxarts and Neo-minds.

 

Illiaster establishes himself as a terrible evil overlord by failing to properly check the progress of his evil plan.

 

He opened a dark portal to the world Radiant Garden. Meanwhile in Radiant Garden a meeting was beginning.

 

In a world called Radiant Garden,

 

I don't remember where this scene is taking place. Can we say its name a few more times?

 

there is a castle home to the Army of Light or World Restoration Organization. Atop the highest tower there are 10 people in white cloaks discussing a variety of things.

 

I'm already sufficiently used to Foe Fiction to know that we'll never be told what those variety of things were. All of these stories seem to have scenes where people say stuff or someone remembers something or anything of that sort where we're told that something happened but aren't told what it was that happened. One gets the feeling that everyone in these stories speaks like Charlie Brown's teacher and doesn't speak in actual words.

 

Then a person in a sapphire cloak walks in and sits in the chair at the end of the table. The people in the white cloak begin to quiet down. The person in the sapphire cloak takes off her hood and a 16 year old girl is what they see. The guard on her right is eying her in a lover's protective way.

 

I know, I know, show don't tell and take a sip, but considering that the story so far has consisted of random generic figures doing random generic things without any specifics, explanations, or context, I'm actually grateful for this little bit of information here, however poorly it's been inserted into the story.

 

She looks up and says "Denizens of light, representatives of worlds. We come here to discuss about the problems appearing our worlds. People are disappearing and monsters are appearing. We have to do something about this."

 

Girl: "Monsters keep popping up and eating people. We kinda don't like that; maybe we should stop it or something?"

 

I'm sure this speech was meant to sound epic, but it, to put it mildly, does not. It sounds like the World of No Duh sent Queen Obvious as its delegate to this council.

 

A member on the left says “We have indeed seen this. In fact, I’ve heard the old witch Maleficent is adding to the problem”

 

From whom have you heard this? If somebody knows Maleficent is behind it, then you should already have been, I don't know, raising an army to stomp on her or something. If it's just some rumour that panicked townspeople made up, then there's no point even mentioning it. So which is it?

 

A large person in a white cloak stands up and says "This is nonsense, the prophecy is wrong. This girl cannot be the one who mothers the Supreme Princess of Light and the one who is said to connect his heart with anyone and bring them to the side of Light"

 

wait what

 

Again, having not played Kingdom Hearts, I don't know if this prophesy and whatnot is canon or whether it's something added for this story, but given the awkward amount of detail Large Person Guy goes into here, I'm going to guess it's something new being added that is being defined here in that grating-dialogue-exposition-between-characters-who-already-know way that I mentioned before. If it is, then it's a horribly awkward introduction. If it isn't, then it's both a terribly clumsy line and it doesn't even serve any useful purpose by providing the audience with new information. Both options are terrible.

 

A man in an emerald coat walks in and sticks out his hand and shoots a beam of light to a tablet.

 

LASERHANDSMAN is officially my favourite character in this story.

 

The tablet lit up and a scene played out. A brown haired boy with the original keyblade of Light and a red-haired girl with the Keyblade of Hearts are together. Scenes of the future show different events that happen.

 

I'm already sufficiently used to Foe Fiction to know that we'll never be told what those variety of events were. All of these stories seem to have scenes where people say stuff or someone watches something or anything of that sort where we're told that something happened but aren't told what it was that happened.

 

Yes, I have very little new material here because I'm getting bored of this story. It's not even a special, over-the-top form of boring like Alex's introduction scene from Hopeless Paradise; it's just a mundane dullness that makes it impossible for me to care about anything that's happening here, since the story so far has consisted of an infodump follows by random unnamed characters doing random things without context. I just can't bring myself to care. And based on the way that JadenxAtemYAOI goes out of his way to avoid describing anything, it feels like he can't bring himself to care either.

 

Then one of them dies. The girl stands up with tears in her eyes and says "this meeting is over"

 

I'm assuming that this girl is actually Queen Obvious in the real meeting and not the girl from the tablet's story, but the abrupt shift makes this non-obvious until after you get to the end of the sentence.

 

The people in cloaks of white open up portals of light and walk out. The man in the emerald coat walks up to her and asks “Annie, are you okay.”

 

We finally found a proper noun in this mess! Huzzah!

 

Annie wiped away her tears and replied “Yes, I am okay Paris. Leave me alone as I want to go to my chambers.” Paris looked at her sternly and said “As you wish, but once you’re my bride.

 

See? We were told he loved her before, and now he says he will marry her. This is known as "continuity" or "plot development" or something.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

There will be no more secrets.” Annie stood up and replied “I do not love you. You only want the throne once my father dies.” Paris replied angrily “Whether you like it or not, your father is required to let me marry you. You know of the treaty.”

 

We're actually getting some information about people here. I'm shocked. Pity it's too late for me to care.

 

Also, my knowledge of Greek mythology tells me that it's a very bad idea for someone named Paris to get into a marriage with a noblewoman he loves as a result of a deal. That sort of thing tends to cause wars. And it didn't work out too well when he tried to marry that one Capulet girl either.

 

Annie looked at him in the face and said “I wish you were dead. Get out of here.” Paris had had enough and said “As you wish

 

 

my lady.” Annie walked up to one of the knights and whispered “We’re alone” and the knight replied “May I take thy maiden for a walk?” Annie blushed and kissed the knight on the cheek. “You always can William. My heart is yours.” William replied “and you have the key to my heart”

 

o i c wut u did thar

 

Annie began walking down the hallway with William. The other knights hesitated for a moment and Annie said “It’s okay, I only need him.” The two arrived in the courtyard and Annie saw her father reading a book on a bench. Annie ran up to him and asked “Father, do I have to marry Paris.”

 

I've never understood why princesses in generic fantasy settings always insist on defying arranged marriages and running off to marry for TWU WUV and all that. In such a setting, arranged marriages for noblewomen are facts of life necessary to forge and maintain alliances, and any such girl would have been raised her whole life with the expectation of ultimately entering such a marriage. Despite this, any noble female protagonist seems to receive a magical infusion of modern western ideology from the other side of the fourth wall and defy this for reasons that make no sense in-universe.

 

Still, that's hardly a flaw unique to bad fanfiction. Huxley's Brave New World has a similar problem, with Bernard Marx somehow acquiring modern Western morality so that he can be our protagonist until John Savage comes along and steals that role from him, and it also begins with almost a full chapter of characters telling each other things they already know for the audience's benefit. Despite this, Brave New World is still an amazing book and Kingdom Hearts: A Forgotten Tale is still terrible.

 

Her father, Ansem, replied “Yes you do. None of the other worlds have a warrior as great as Paris.

 

Ansem seems like a reasonable authority figure who knows how his own universe functions. I suspect I'm supposed to sympathize with Annie here, but Ansem is the one with whom I agree.

 

Only the head captain, William here is stronger than him.

 

Of course, JadenxAtemYAOI had to make the TWU WUV interest the strongest-est fighter in the multiverse, because otherwise our hero might not be sufficiently perfect in every way. Given that he's the love interest and the best warrior guy ever but hasn't shown any actual personality beyond I WUB U, I'm going to call Marty Stu on William here. At the very least, he's a flat, ridiculously idealized shallow love interest, which in and of itself is fairly bad.

 

And you know the code.” Annie looked up at William and then her father. She said “But father, you are the king. You can change their rules” Ansem looked at William and asked “Are you implying that you love William.”

 

William: "Why do you people always end questions without question marks."

 

Annie hesitated and said “no father, it’s just, you know. He was practically raised as a member of the family. He is like a brother to me. He is the one I want to marry”

 

Apparently, the Westermarck effect does not exist in this universe.

 

Ansem had an angry look but it settled into a smile. “I will see what I can do.

 

Aw, Ansem, and you had had my support before you said that.

 

Perhaps that daughter of yours can marry the other prophesized wielder. The bishops have seen much potential as a warrior.” Annie said “Oh daddy, thank you” Annie jumped and hugged her father. Ansem looked at William and asked “And what do you think of this William” William was speechless and immediately answered “I will be on duty for eternally as her protector” Ansem nodded and said “Wise answer my boy”

 

blah blah blah blah blah

 

I stopped caring when the only sane person, Ansem, suddenly joined Annie and William in their mutual amnesia regarding the setting. Not to mention that all of these vague mentions of ten million nonspecific prophesies are probably intended to sound epic but just end up being annoying. When's Illiaster going to show up and kill everyone?

 

Master Illiaster walked out of the dark portal and saw Ansem and Annie.

 

Now that's more like it. I just hope this doesn't devolve into William showing off his best-swordsman-evership, because it does then he's definitely a Marty Stu and I'm definitely gouging my own eyes out to escape this story.

 

Illiaster said “Nice to see you again Ansem. Remember our last encounter?” Ansem clutched his chest and said “Yes, you killed my wife and Annie’s mother”

 

Illiaster: "I already know that. You already know that. Annie and William already know that. Why say it?"

Ansem: "Yes, but they didn't know that."

Illiaster: "Who is this 'they'?

Ansem: "The otherworldly beings who injected me with modern Western ideology."

Illiaster: "What are you talking about?"

Ansem: "Actually, I'm just stalling so he can sneak up behind you."

Illiaster: "Wh-"

LASERHANDSMAN: "HANDLASER!"

 

Illiaster said “Yes, that was 6 years ago, yes? William summoned his sword and shot a beam of light at Iilliaster. Illiaster was hit square in the chest and said “Hah, mere child’splay. Put down that sword boy” Paris jumped out the sky

 

wait what

 

and slammed his sword into the ground. Mass amounts of earth were sent flying at Illiaster. Illiaster took the hit

 

Is that all Illiaster does? He keeps taking hits without attempting to block or dodge or anything.

 

and said “You’re quite a random one. “ illiaster warped behind Paris and gripped him, froze his arm and shattered it. Illiaster took a step back and said “I’ll let my friends take care of you”

 

Why? Illiaster is immune to everyone's attacks and has insane magical powers, so why doesn't he just kill everyone himself instead of running off and hoping that a few low-level grunts will be able to handle the finestest swordsmanguys in the worlds?

 

He summoned 3 neo-minds and 2 shellxarts. Paris with one arm shot a ball of fire at the neo-minds. William said “You idiot!! You kill them at the same time or they just keep on reappearing” Paris replied “Oh shi-. Well 6 isn’t a problem.” 6 ne-minds appeared. William summoned bolts of lightning and vanquished the neo-minds. William then summoned his second sword and started cutting down the Shellxarts.

 

tl;dr: William's awesome so be kills everything and that idiot Paris isn't as good and yadda yadda yadda Marty Stu.

 

My final thoughts about this story are pretty much what I've been saying throughout it. There's a surfeit of poorly-handled exposition, the characters' actions make no sense either in practical terms or in terms of the world in which they were raised, everything related to the big council of good guys is laughably vague, the two new super-mooks were introduced for the story only to show off the awesome awesomeness of the resident Marty Stu, and nothing about the whole experience was interesting to me in any way. This story's just bad on all counts; surely you can do better than that.

 

JadenxAtemYAOI: "I can't. And don't call me Shirley."

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

 

The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately' date=' that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for [i']Foe Fiction[/i].

 

Before we begin, I would like to note that the story is center-aligned and suffers from a lack of paragraph breaks, which makes the whole thing even harder to read. It won't show up in my commentary because I reformat it to interrupt after every sentence, but just bear that in mind throughout all of this. Besides my glimpse of the formatting, this is another blind review.

 

We'll start with the title.

 

Kingdom Hearts: The Forgotten Tale

 

That's how it's written in the text. In the topic title, "hearts" and "forgotten" are not capitalized. That is not a terribly encouraging sign.

 

A long time ago, in a world that never was.

 

Isn't there a place in Kingdom Hearts canon called the World That Never Was? It's a good thing I knew that already, since the fact that it isn't capitalized here would otherwise lead me to deem it pretentious nonsense.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

An old villain by the name of Master Illiaster.

 

I have no idea whether he's a canon character or not. If he is, then he hardly needs to you come out and tell us that he's a villain. If he's not, then it's a very bad idea to introduce characters by saying "This is his name he is the villain u shudnt like him!", since that's just seven kinds of bad writing.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

A man with a maiden with the power of people's memories.

 

A list of one-byte descriptions of characters.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

Alongside him is a young sword master with the power over people's hearts.

 

That actually is a sentence. This just proves that the story didn't start with a series of sentence fragments out; it started with a series of sentence fragments because JadenxAtemYAOI doesn't know what a complete sentence is.

 

Altogether they created new kinds of beings.

 

Everybody: "They created new kinds of beings."

 

I really hope someone says the word "surely" in this story so I can steal that joke from Airplane! as well.

 

A being with its heart collapsed and no memories, yet still living.

 

And we're back to sentence fragments. Splendid.

 

They are called Neo-Minds.

 

Keanu Reeves: "Neo very much Minds that you're associating him with this awful story."

 

And the fusion of a heartless and a nobody which is called a Shellxart.

 

...is that some sort of DeviantArt spinoff splinter site or something?

 

Also, my meager second-hand knowledge of the Kingdom Heartsverse tells me that a Heartless has a heart but no body or soul and a Nobody has a body and soul but no heart, so why isn't a fusion of them just an ordinary person?

 

The process of making these beings is unknown

 

First of all, everything here is being infodumped on us by an omniscient third-person narrator, so nothing here is actually not known to our disembodied exposition guy here. Second of all, we were just told that they were formed by fusing a Heartless and a Nobody; that seems to fairly neatly sum up how these beings are made to me.

 

but they are being made very fast. The Shellxart have power over Nothing and Darkness. They are unaffected by the keyblade like beings without darkness. The neo-minds double for every one beaten until the maximum can be killed at the same exact time.

 

I don't have a whole lot to say about all of this, but fortunately I have plenty to say about why I don't have a whole lot to say about all of this. The reason is that this whole opening to the story is just a dry series of pieces of exposition introduced without so much as a framing device - which, while not as grating as awkward dialogue in which characters tell each other information that each of them already knows for the reader's benefit, is still a clumsy and uninteresting way of providing exposition and introducing the setting. And it doesn't give me anything funny to say.

 

Illiaster walked down the hall. He was checking on the progress of the perfect being. But all he saw were Shellxarts and Neo-minds.

 

Illiaster establishes himself as a terrible evil overlord by failing to properly check the progress of his evil plan.

 

He opened a dark portal to the world Radiant Garden. Meanwhile in Radiant Garden a meeting was beginning.

 

In a world called Radiant Garden,

 

I don't remember where this scene is taking place. Can we say its name a few more times?

 

there is a castle home to the Army of Light or World Restoration Organization. Atop the highest tower there are 10 people in white cloaks discussing a variety of things.

 

I'm already sufficiently used to Foe Fiction to know that we'll never be told what those variety of things were. All of these stories seem to have scenes where people say stuff or someone remembers something or anything of that sort where we're told that something happened but aren't told what it was that happened. One gets the feeling that everyone in these stories speaks like Charlie Brown's teacher and doesn't speak in actual words.

 

Then a person in a sapphire cloak walks in and sits in the chair at the end of the table. The people in the white cloak begin to quiet down. The person in the sapphire cloak takes off her hood and a 16 year old girl is what they see. The guard on her right is eying her in a lover's protective way.

 

I know, I know, show don't tell and take a sip, but considering that the story so far has consisted of random generic figures doing random generic things without any specifics, explanations, or context, I'm actually grateful for this little bit of information here, however poorly it's been inserted into the story.

 

She looks up and says "Denizens of light, representatives of worlds. We come here to discuss about the problems appearing our worlds. People are disappearing and monsters are appearing. We have to do something about this."

 

Girl: "Monsters keep popping up and eating people. We kinda don't like that; maybe we should stop it or something?"

 

I'm sure this speech was meant to sound epic, but it, to put it mildly, does not. It sounds like the World of No Duh sent Queen Obvious as its delegate to this council.

 

A member on the left says “We have indeed seen this. In fact, I’ve heard the old witch Maleficent is adding to the problem”

 

From whom have you heard this? If somebody knows Maleficent is behind it, then you should already have been, I don't know, raising an army to stomp on her or something. If it's just some rumour that panicked townspeople made up, then there's no point even mentioning it. So which is it?

 

A large person in a white cloak stands up and says "This is nonsense, the prophecy is wrong. This girl cannot be the one who mothers the Supreme Princess of Light and the one who is said to connect his heart with anyone and bring them to the side of Light"

 

wait what

 

Again, having not played Kingdom Hearts, I don't know if this prophesy and whatnot is canon or whether it's something added for this story, but given the awkward amount of detail Large Person Guy goes into here, I'm going to guess it's something new being added that is being defined here in that grating-dialogue-exposition-between-characters-who-already-know way that I mentioned before. If it is, then it's a horribly awkward introduction. If it isn't, then it's both a terribly clumsy line and it doesn't even serve any useful purpose by providing the audience with new information. Both options are terrible.

 

A man in an emerald coat walks in and sticks out his hand and shoots a beam of light to a tablet.

 

LASERHANDSMAN is officially my favourite character in this story.

 

The tablet lit up and a scene played out. A brown haired boy with the original keyblade of Light and a red-haired girl with the Keyblade of Hearts are together. Scenes of the future show different events that happen.

 

I'm already sufficiently used to Foe Fiction to know that we'll never be told what those variety of events were. All of these stories seem to have scenes where people say stuff or someone watches something or anything of that sort where we're told that something happened but aren't told what it was that happened.

 

Yes, I have very little new material here because I'm getting bored of this story. It's not even a special, over-the-top form of boring like Alex's introduction scene from Hopeless Paradise; it's just a mundane dullness that makes it impossible for me to care about anything that's happening here, since the story so far has consisted of an infodump follows by random unnamed characters doing random things without context. I just can't bring myself to care. And based on the way that JadenxAtemYAOI goes out of his way to avoid describing anything, it feels like he can't bring himself to care either.

 

Then one of them dies. The girl stands up with tears in her eyes and says "this meeting is over"

 

I'm assuming that this girl is actually Queen Obvious in the real meeting and not the girl from the tablet's story, but the abrupt shift makes this non-obvious until after you get to the end of the sentence.

 

The people in cloaks of white open up portals of light and walk out. The man in the emerald coat walks up to her and asks “Annie, are you okay.”

 

We finally found a proper noun in this mess! Huzzah!

 

Annie wiped away her tears and replied “Yes, I am okay Paris. Leave me alone as I want to go to my chambers.” Paris looked at her sternly and said “As you wish, but once you’re my bride.

 

See? We were told he loved her before, and now he says he will marry her. This is known as "continuity" or "plot development" or something.

 

Also, that's not a sentence.

 

There will be no more secrets.” Annie stood up and replied “I do not love you. You only want the throne once my father dies.” Paris replied angrily “Whether you like it or not, your father is required to let me marry you. You know of the treaty.”

 

We're actually getting some information about people here. I'm shocked. Pity it's too late for me to care.

 

Also, my knowledge of Greek mythology tells me that it's a very bad idea for someone named Paris to get into a marriage with a noblewoman he loves as a result of a deal. That sort of thing tends to cause wars. And it didn't work out too well when he tried to marry that one Capulet girl either.

 

Annie looked at him in the face and said “I wish you were dead. Get out of here.” Paris had had enough and said “As you wish

 

 

my lady.” Annie walked up to one of the knights and whispered “We’re alone” and the knight replied “May I take thy maiden for a walk?” Annie blushed and kissed the knight on the cheek. “You always can William. My heart is yours.” William replied “and you have the key to my heart”

 

o i c wut u did thar

 

Annie began walking down the hallway with William. The other knights hesitated for a moment and Annie said “It’s okay, I only need him.” The two arrived in the courtyard and Annie saw her father reading a book on a bench. Annie ran up to him and asked “Father, do I have to marry Paris.”

 

I've never understood why princesses in generic fantasy settings always insist on defying arranged marriages and running off to marry for TWU WUV and all that. In such a setting, arranged marriages for noblewomen are facts of life necessary to forge and maintain alliances, and any such girl would have been raised her whole life with the expectation of ultimately entering such a marriage. Despite this, any noble female protagonist seems to receive a magical infusion of modern western ideology from the other side of the fourth wall and defy this for reasons that make no sense in-universe.

 

Still, that's hardly a flaw unique to bad fanfiction. Huxley's Brave New World has a similar problem, with Bernard Marx somehow acquiring modern Western morality so that he can be our protagonist until John Savage comes along and steals that role from him, and it also begins with almost a full chapter of characters telling each other things they already know for the audience's benefit. Despite this, Brave New World is still an amazing book and Kingdom Hearts: A Forgotten Tale is still terrible.

 

Her father, Ansem, replied “Yes you do. None of the other worlds have a warrior as great as Paris.

 

Ansem seems like a reasonable authority figure who knows how his own universe functions. I suspect I'm supposed to sympathize with Annie here, but Ansem is the one with whom I agree.

 

Only the head captain, William here is stronger than him.

 

Of course, JadenxAtemYAOI had to make the TWU WUV interest the strongest-est fighter in the multiverse, because otherwise our hero might not be sufficiently perfect in every way. Given that he's the love interest and the best warrior guy ever but hasn't shown any actual personality beyond I WUB U, I'm going to call Marty Stu on William here. At the very least, he's a flat, ridiculously idealized shallow love interest, which in and of itself is fairly bad.

 

And you know the code.” Annie looked up at William and then her father. She said “But father, you are the king. You can change their rules” Ansem looked at William and asked “Are you implying that you love William.”

 

William: "Why do you people always end questions without question marks."

 

Annie hesitated and said “no father, it’s just, you know. He was practically raised as a member of the family. He is like a brother to me. He is the one I want to marry”

 

Apparently, the Westermarck effect does not exist in this universe.

 

Ansem had an angry look but it settled into a smile. “I will see what I can do.

 

Aw, Ansem, and you had had my support before you said that.

 

Perhaps that daughter of yours can marry the other prophesized wielder. The bishops have seen much potential as a warrior.” Annie said “Oh daddy, thank you” Annie jumped and hugged her father. Ansem looked at William and asked “And what do you think of this William” William was speechless and immediately answered “I will be on duty for eternally as her protector” Ansem nodded and said “Wise answer my boy”

 

blah blah blah blah blah

 

I stopped caring when the only sane person, Ansem, suddenly joined Annie and William in their mutual amnesia regarding the setting. Not to mention that all of these vague mentions of ten million nonspecific prophesies are probably intended to sound epic but just end up being annoying. When's Illiaster going to show up and kill everyone?

 

Master Illiaster walked out of the dark portal and saw Ansem and Annie.

 

Now that's more like it. I just hope this doesn't devolve into William showing off his best-swordsman-evership, because it does then he's definitely a Marty Stu and I'm definitely gouging my own eyes out to escape this story.

 

Illiaster said “Nice to see you again Ansem. Remember our last encounter?” Ansem clutched his chest and said “Yes, you killed my wife and Annie’s mother”

 

Illiaster: "I already know that. You already know that. Annie and William already know that. Why say it?"

Ansem: "Yes, but they didn't know that."

Illiaster: "Who is this 'they'?

Ansem: "The otherworldly beings who injected me with modern Western ideology."

Illiaster: "What are you talking about?"

Ansem: "Actually, I'm just stalling so he can sneak up behind you."

Illiaster: "Wh-"

LASERHANDSMAN: "HANDLASER!"

 

Illiaster said “Yes, that was 6 years ago, yes? William summoned his sword and shot a beam of light at Iilliaster. Illiaster was hit square in the chest and said “Hah, mere child’splay. Put down that sword boy” Paris jumped out the sky

 

wait what

 

and slammed his sword into the ground. Mass amounts of earth were sent flying at Illiaster. Illiaster took the hit

 

Is that all Illiaster does? He keeps taking hits without attempting to block or dodge or anything.

 

and said “You’re quite a random one. “ illiaster warped behind Paris and gripped him, froze his arm and shattered it. Illiaster took a step back and said “I’ll let my friends take care of you”

 

Why? Illiaster is immune to everyone's attacks and has insane magical powers, so why doesn't he just kill everyone himself instead of running off and hoping that a few low-level grunts will be able to handle the finestest swordsmanguys in the worlds?

 

He summoned 3 neo-minds and 2 shellxarts. Paris with one arm shot a ball of fire at the neo-minds. William said “You idiot!! You kill them at the same time or they just keep on reappearing” Paris replied “Oh shi-. Well 6 isn’t a problem.” 6 ne-minds appeared. William summoned bolts of lightning and vanquished the neo-minds. William then summoned his second sword and started cutting down the Shellxarts.

 

tl;dr: William's awesome so be kills everything and that idiot Paris isn't as good and yadda yadda yadda Marty Stu.

 

My final thoughts about this story are pretty much what I've been saying throughout it. There's a surfeit of poorly-handled exposition, the characters' actions make no sense either in practical terms or in terms of the world in which they were raised, everything related to the big council of good guys is laughably vague, the two new super-mooks were introduced for the story only to show off the awesome awesomeness of the resident Marty Stu, and nothing about the whole experience was interesting to me in any way. This story's just bad on all counts; surely you can do better than that.

 

JadenxAtemYAOI: "I can't. And don't call me Shirley."

 

1. I'm a girl damnit

2. this is my version for school so it's going to be crap.

3. The description of the world was a world that never was. The name will be given later. Stories can have sentence fragments like poetry if needed.

4. Example quote. (Annie asked "Can I marry him daddy" In this case it's said double that it's a question.

5. Yes it needs editing severely. I was getting this typed up fast so I could reply to a message from someone.

6. you are the damn best comedian/criticizer I know. Go work for New York Times

[Nexev]

I have some arguements with BNW

 

While they do talk about things they already know, the beginning is a field trip, as such there is a method and a reason for the dialouge as the kids DIDN'T know.

 

Also Bernad didn't undergo the therapy which gives people the ideology.

 

As such Bernad acts out of possesivness, like instinct rather than wetern ideology.

[CrabHelmet]

1. I'm a girl damnit

 

Sorry about that; didn't know.

 

2. this is my version for school so it's going to be crap.

 

Excuses' date=' excuses. I don't care why it sucks; you took responsibility for its awfulness when you decided it was worth posting.

 

3. The description of the world was a world that never was. The name will be given later.

 

I see, this is just a world that never was, and is distinct from the World That Never Was. In that case, it isn't poorly-capitalized; instead, it's confusing and pretentious. That's not quite a step upward.

 

Stories can have sentence fragments like poetry if needed.

 

Indeed' date=' they can, given a sufficiently skilled author. With you behind the keyboard, however, it's just stupid.

 

4. Example quote. (Annie asked "Can I marry him daddy" In this case it's said double that it's a question.

 

I recommend you learn how English grammar works, because your grasp of it currently seems... questionable in existence.

 

Next you'll be refusing to put periods at the ends of your sentences because the capitalized letter at the start of the sentence obviously shows it's a sentence, so the period at the end is obviously redundant.

 

5. Yes it needs editing severely. I was getting this typed up fast so I could reply to a message from someone.

 

And the day you decided to favor speed over actual quality was the day you left yourself open to having your quality ridiculed.

 

I have some arguements with BNW

 

While they do talk about things they already know' date=' the beginning is a field trip, as such there is a method and a reason for the dialouge as the kids DIDN'T know.

[/quote']

 

That wasn't a field trip, and those weren't kids. Those were graduates from the university-analogue who were going to begin working in the plant they were touring the very next day. There is no way they didn't already know everything the World Controller already told them.

 

Also Bernad didn't undergo the therapy which gives people the ideology.

 

As such Bernad acts out of possesivness' date=' like instinct rather than wetern ideology.

[/quote']

 

Bernard underwent conditioning, just like everyone else. He was an Alpha, so he wasn't sabotaged prior to decantation like the Gammas and lower grades, but he still underwent the same conditioning after being decanted as every other Alpha.

[Nexev]

Well I read it twice and the group asked too many questions.

 

One of them even wondered why they starved the blood from the Espilions, meaning they only had a general grasp of things. Other wise the purpose would have been obvious.

 

Bernard is also a bit different in that he knows which of his traits is conditioned, as such he can probbaly subvert them from time to time.

[CrabHelmet]

Well I read it twice and the group asked too many questions.

 

One of them even wondered why they starved the blood from the Espilions' date=' meaning they only had a general grasp of things. Other wise the purpose would have been obvious.

[/quote']

 

Fine, then, he's telling them things that they ought to have known, not things that they did know for the purposes of setting up the expository dialogue. There's no way someone trained and about to start working in that plant should have to ask that.

 

Bernard is also a bit different in that he knows which of his traits is conditioned' date=' as such he can probbaly subvert them from time to time.

[/quote']

 

Possibly, but that doesn't explain where he gets modern Western social norms to replace his conditioning. The "it's instinct" explanation is not convincing.