Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

[Grunt Issun]

Super robot you say?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUsFLVjobug

 

eheheheheheheheheheeee....alergies

[Kaisu]

http://www.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-208743.html

 

Could you? I'm sure I left tons of mistakes in there somewhere =/

 

Especially with commas... D:

[Hydra of Ages]

Good review' date=' as always.

 

As for the thirteen named villain sub-ordinates, Bleach has had far more than that. Just saying.

[/quote']

 

I count Aizen with 10 Espada and 2 people who hang around as main subordinates, certainly not 13... well, unless you count Aizen himself. Fracción and Número in general don't count as, named or not, they're just mooks.

 

Why is it that every fic nowadays is set in Duel Academy or something similar? I mean, even the fics set in the 5D universe take place in the Academy. Can't anyone think of any other setting?

 

Also, it really bugs me when authors go out of their way to point out the main character is 'beautiful', with no further description.

[Headmaster Monokuma]

This is what keeps me from writing. The fear that whatever I write may end up as bad as this stuff...

 

Great job Crab. It's good to see that this isn't dead yet. I can't wait to see what comes next.

[Lonk]

Another good review (You still are haunted by Parakoopas)

[Phantom Roxas]

You can't; you're out of cards. You can't possibly have a Call of the Haunted available.

Rin looks at her hand. "I'll equip Gearframe to Cydra' date=' [b']and set a card[/b]. Your turn."

 

 

Other than that, The 36 Stratagems was great.

[CrabHelmet]

You can't; you're out of cards. You can't possibly have a Call of the Haunted available.

Rin looks at her hand. "I'll equip Gearframe to Cydra' date=' [b']and set a card[/b]. Your turn."

 

 

Other than that, The 36 Stratagems was great.

 

I thought that was Machine Duplication; actually, the card I forgot was the one Rin got from that Draw Phase. >.>

[Just Crouton]

1) I thank you for reviewing my fan-fic. I've wanted feedback in detail for a while.

 

2) This fan-fic was a change in pace and a fun experiment. Normally, I plan excessively for a story of some sort and never do it. For this, the fun part was that I was writing off the top of my head for the most part. The idea for the main plot is that it's supposed to be about a class of 19 students (who's ace cards are from the IRL structure decks) disappearing into monster world, Rin's parents, who are scientists investigating said world, are captured, and Rin has some connection to that world or something like that and she kills these now-deranged students in duels, taking their ace cards. The story's slowly revealed in tiny bits in-story, basically. I have minor planing for later storylines (mostly sub-arcs within a single arc.) I'll see where it goes...

 

3) Rin isn't the only one who runs meta decks. In chapter 4, the girl who defeats her runs Lightsworn Chaos (which I netdecked from shriektwoday.) Pretty much the major characters, supporting and villain alike, run meta decks. I went for meta decks over anime decks for realism, similar to how in Gundam the 8th MS team, the Gundams, always treated as gods in other shows, are as/more breakable than Zakus here and relied on actual strategy over running into a doomsday weapon with a beam saber (not counting Shiro ramming the Apsalus at the end.) Basically, if someone runs a noob deck in O5D's, they're guaranteed to lose.

[GenzoTheHarpist]

Good review' date=' as always.

 

As for the thirteen named villain sub-ordinates, Bleach has had far more than that. Just saying.

[/quote']

 

I count Aizen with 10 Espada and 2 people who hang around as main subordinates, certainly not 13... well, unless you count Aizen himself. Fracción and Número in general don't count as, named or not, they're just mooks.

 

Luppi? Lilynette? Depending on what you count it could be more.

[Umbra]

Good review' date=' as always.

 

As for the thirteen named villain sub-ordinates, Bleach has had far more than that. Just saying.

[/quote']

 

I count Aizen with 10 Espada and 2 people who hang around as main subordinates, certainly not 13... well, unless you count Aizen himself. Fracción and Número in general don't count as, named or not, they're just mooks.

 

Even if you don't count them, there's the Privarón Espada, Rudóbon, Wonderweiss, Gin and Tousen. Including the Fraccíon sends Bleach into the dozens.

[Phantom Roxas]

Really, in any shonen series, there's bound to be a massive criminal organization at some point.

[ThunderousSonar]

Awesome job as usual Crab Helmet....anyway, your reviews are a mix of funny, and awesome. I can't wait for the next one.

[Azerty-of-KoL]

This is just the thing to brighten my day. Keep on writing.

[CrabHelmet]

So, I got halfway through writing I'm 37 I'm Not Old when my computer crashed and I lost it all. >_> Fabulous.

[legolover09]

I'm sorry Crabby.

[Hydra of Ages]

So' date=' I got halfway through writing I'm 37 I'm Not Old when my computer crashed and I lost it all. >_> Fabulous.

[/quote']

 

This is why I save anything I write of any particular length in notepad periodically.

[Womi]

So' date=' I got halfway through writing I'm 37 I'm Not Old when my computer crashed and I lost it all. >_> Fabulous.

[/quote']

Oh man. This really sucks.

Do you plan on writing it again?

[Yankee]

Aww, sry Crabby. Save every now and then while writing? Don't you write these on word? It should have a recall system...my computer shuts down a lot while I'm writing. Next time I open Word, it opens to what I was writing before it shut down...

[Grunt Issun]

Oh gawd, I had that alot when writing my charmer fic

[Womi]

You should get rid of your Windows 99.

[六兆年と一夜物語]

I bookmarked Foe Fiction.

 

Yep, I like people doing the impossible by reviewing crap and still make it funny.

[六兆年と一夜物語]

I bookmarked Foe Fiction.

 

Yep, I like people doing the impossible by reviewing crap and still make it funny.

[六兆年と一夜物語]

I bookmarked Foe Fiction.

 

Yep, I like people doing the impossible by reviewing crap and still make it funny.

[CrabHelmet]

This time, however, I managed to finish the review... but at what cost?

 

[spoiler=I'm 37, I'm Not Old - {YuGiOh! Hidden Legacy - Next Generation}]Let's revisit our old friend Star, this time examining his [YuGiOh!] Hidden Legacy {Next Generation}.

 

This is apparently the sequel to a sixty-chapter fanfic started three years ago, but Star's setting this up so that you don't need to have read the original sixty chapters to understand what's going on here; he's trying to draw in new readers.

 

Author's Note: What you're about to read might anger you in one way:

 

But only one way. Everything else about this is absolutely perfect.

 

the generic names. I wrote this three years ago, and I've learned much when it comes to writing since then. Because of how much I've written with these characters, I don't want to change the names, but I ask you to focus on other points of the story in this situation.

 

I'll have more to say about this a bit later. But for now, let's just get started.

 

1 : Under Attack!

 

I can't read this name without thinking of

.

 

It’s been quite a while, hasn’t it? I’d say ten years, maybe more. Life’s a lot different now than it used to be,

 

It's a shame your writing ability isn't "a lot different now" than it was when you were in fourth grade. >_>

 

but I suppose it’s for the better. For those of you who don’t remember me, or perhaps don’t recognize me at all, the name’s Riley.

 

Wait, what's generic about "Riley" as a name? I was expecting him to be called "Joe" or something.

 

Those of you who do remember me, probably remember me as that naive young teenager who cared solely about having fun, living life as an adventure, and most importantly, dueling.

 

I'm sorry, I know dueling is serious business in this world, but honestly, something is seriously wrong with your priorities. This is like me announcing that, when I was fourteen, my priorities ran something like this:

 

3) Enjoy myself and feeling happiness

2) Being excited and successful throughout my life

1) GOTTA PLAY MONOPOLY

 

After all, it’s what brought us all together.

 

Riley: "We bonded over our mutual inability to understand what actually matters in life!"

 

Ace, Crystal and I, that is.

 

what

 

When you warned us about the "generic names", I thought you meant that the characters were all called things like "James" and "Mary", not generic Mary Sue names like "Ace" and "Crystal" and "Raven" and whatnot.

 

You really weren't joking. These are seriously horrible names.

 

You should have changed them.

 

I know you said why you didn't change them - you'd already written a lot with these characters. I don't care. Change the names anyway. You're trying to draw in new readers, and we new readers don't want to see you continue this stupidity just because you sucked at writing three years ago. There's no reason to keep dragging your story down like this.

 

The worst part is that you had a perfect opportunity to change their names without instituting a retcon. There's just been a ten-year time skip, taking them from being in their early teens to their mid-twenties. You could easily have just declared that Ace and Crystal were old nicknames that they have since outgrown - but instead you decided to continue to subject us to them.

 

Unfortunately, that which brought us together is the same thing that split us apart.

 

Please tell me that they prioritized dueling over breathing and died.

 

Ten years ago today, after my duel with The Dark General Freed, everything returned to normal. We continued to go about our lives, still hanging out and having fun when we could.

 

Because we all know that perfectly ordinary high school students who aren't involved in world-saving adventures never have any time for hanging out with perfectly ordinary friends. They're far too busy, uh, Not Saving The World. It's a full-time job.

 

Though it was fun, we all knew it wouldn’t last much longer. The three of us were becoming adults, and - as expected - our individual goals were much different.

 

Waging war against the head of an evil army of darkness and defeating him in a battle? No major psychological effect at all. Sitting in high school for a couple of years? Catapults them into maturity and sends them shooting off in all sorts of directions.

 

Also, I think Riley hates the word "different" and is actively working to screw up any phrase involving it.

 

Ace Diamond.

 

Even the one-shot villains from the 4Kids dubs don't have names this stupid. I eagerly await the revelation that Riley's other friend's full name is Crystal Meth.

 

Remember him? Easy going, fun-loving kid who always played somewhat of a "parental role", telling me what to do and what not to do.

 

Wait a minute, the easy-going one is the parental one who tells people what to do or not do? I'll admit that I haven't read the original sixty chapters (let's call them the O60), so maybe this description makes perfect sense in context, but as a one-line summary of Ace's character intended to introduce him to new readers, it seems awfully self-contradictory.

 

Not that I listened. Sometimes I still find it hard to believe that it's been ten years since I've seen him. I mean I'm twenty-five years old now, which means he's got to be what, twenty-four?

 

Riley's thought process: "Ace is one year younger than me. I'm twenty-five, so he must be, um... wait, let me think for a moment... I can figure this out... it will take me a moment to think, but I'll get this calculation done eventually..."

 

Though he loved to duel, Ace had always wanted to be a Card Designer.

 

Oh, no. This isn't going to be YCMer-insert escapist fantasy, is it?

 

He'd spent time at home drawing pictures and creating all sorts of effects for cards, many of which he'd actually tried to submit for approval. I always loved to see his cards, but I'll be honest - as good as he was - I never saw it doing much for him. It's funny, though, because I couldn't have been more wrong.

 

Yeah, this is going to be YCMer-insert escapist fantasy, all right. Time for a quick public service announcement.

 

ATTENTION SEVEN-YEAR-OLDS: REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED FROM FAN FICTION, MAKING CARDS HERE IS NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU A SUCCESSFUL LIFE. NOR WILL IT TURN YOU INTO A SUPERHERO.

 

Come on, Star, do you really need to stoop so low as to give your stupider readers this sort of pathetic fanservice?

 

Attempting to preserve our friendship after how much we'd been through, Ace and I hung out quite a lot for the first month or so after the incident.

 

Riley: "I didn't really like hanging out with him, but I hung out with him some anyhow because drifting apart after blowing up an evil overlord would be boring. But that's the only reason we spent time together. We really had nothing else in common."

 

If I recall correctly, it was a Tuesday afternoon that he received a phone call from a Kaiba Corp Executive--not quite sure what the man's name was. If you remember me, you'll remember I dueled Kaiba myself before I saved the world the first time around, and I managed to beat him. Those were the days. Anyway, back to Ace.

 

Riley: "So, we were hanging out, when Ace got a phone call from some Kaiba Corp Executive. He wasn't terribly important, so I don't remember his name. But while we're on the subject of Kaiba Corp Executives, I met a much more important one - Mr. Seto Kaiba himself. And then I dueled him and totally owned him. And then I went on to save the whole world. Man, I was awesome. Anyhow, I suppose I may as well get back to Ace, even though my accomplishments are so much more impressive."

 

(Who needs guest commentators when you can just have the narrator speak instead?)

 

I know what Star's going for here: he's trying to weave exposition about the O60 into the narrative. The problem is that it doesn't work, since the way he's written it makes it look like Riley is downplaying Ace's accomplishments by interrupting his description of them to one-up Ace with his own, apparently more impressive accomplishments.

 

In other words, the writing makes our narrator-protagonist come across as a self-absorbed git.

 

So this guy made him an offer we all knew he wouldn't be able to refuse.

 

They should make a remake of The Godfather starring Seto Kaiba and Dan Green.

 

They asked him to come to Domino City and work for Kaiba Corp, as one of three Lead Card Designers.

 

what

 

what

 

WHAT

 

This was delivered so quickly that it can be easy if you're skimming to miss how stupid it was, so let me restate: Kaiba Corp, which is apparently the company that makes Duel Monsters cards in this universe instead of Industrial Illusions as in the canon, called up this fourteen-year-old kid who they had never met and who had never been employed before and offered not just to give him a job but to give him one of the three top-ranked card design jobs in the entire company.

 

What is sane about this!?

 

We knew it was something he had always dreamed of, so of course we encouraged him to go.

 

Why would he need encouraging!? This is like Obama suddenly phoning me up and saying, "Hey, Crab Helmet, I saw your posts in the Debates section and you seem like a pretty cool guy girl person whose gender is disputed on the internet and which I am uncertain about because we've never met. Wanna be my Secretary of State?" You don't need to think about impossibly great job offers handed down to you by the author's plot hax! Nobody should need to encourage you!

 

Two days later after we said our goodbyes, he boarded a jet and I haven't heard from him since.

 

I mean, I know GX had a precedent for a guy being hired as a card designer, but when Kaiba Corp Industrial Illusions hired him (I forget his name, but he was the fat koala guy), they were only offering him an ordinary job, not one of the top three super lead executive jobs, and his decent card-making ability was balanced out by him being overweight, stupid, and - most importantly, I'm sure - terrible at dueling. Here, however, Ace just gets an insane job offer when he is otherwise a rational person who can be simultaneously easy-going and parental and already has strong dueling abilities. And he's an obvious avatar for all of YCM's idiot readers. And his name is Ace. How much more obvious a Mary Sue can you make?

 

Of course, with Ace gone, that left Crystal and I by ourselves. Crystal. Crystal Snow.

 

I'm going to assume that "snow" is slang for heroin so that Crystal's name can keep the drug reference I wanted.

 

What her parents were thinking with the names I'll never know,

 

I hate it when authors do this.

 

Why do you guys always seem to think that acknowledging your problems is just as good as solving them? Including the nod that your names suck, or that your plot sucks, or that your writing sucks, or that you suck doesn't make up for the sucking. You can announce that you're too lazy to type well, but that won't make up for the fact that your story looks like it was written by a first grader whose monitor was off while they were typing. You can announce that you're not the best athlete in the world, but you won't be awarded an Olympic Gold Medal for acknowledging that. Admitting to a flaw isn't an acceptable substitute for fixing said flaw.

 

but she and I had always been great friends. Crystal was always there for me, and I tried my best to return the favor. Unlike most girls, she was less into fashion and more into dueling. It was what her life was all about, dueling.

 

Star fights against sexist gender stereotypes by, uh, saying that most girls are as obsessed with fashion as these three lunatics are obsessed with dueling, to the point of basing their entire lives around it. Thanks for being progressive, champ.

 

And it was fitting, too, because she was a better duelist than I was. Only once was I able to defeat her, and that's a time I prefer not to dwell upon because of the details surrounding it.

 

Our protagonists are as follows:

 

1) A guy who already trounced Seto Kaiba and saved the world, and who is thus probably the strongest duelist alive.

 

2) A girl who can beat said guy with perfect consistency, and who is thus probably even stronger.

 

3) Ace.

 

These three are all ridiculously overpowered Mary Sue characters who have already surpassed the highest level of play in existence. Why should we care about these people anymore? They cannot develop any further; they're already super-powered. And due to their extreme power, there can be no dramatic tension, as there can be no credible threats to characters this powerful. One could argue that them being so strong is understandable given that they have already emerged from a sixty-chapter adventure, but even if that's the case, why are they still the protagonists? Their role is finished; they need to move out of the way and make room for someone interesting.

 

Also, I completely call shenanigans on the three most powerful characters in the world all being middle school friends. The actual anime did the stupid broken stuff as well, like having Yugi beat Kaiba in the first episode and then act like Mako Tsunami was somehow a threat, or with Jaden/Judai doing pretty much anything he ever did, but at least it never pulled that all-the-friends-happen-to-be-dueling-gods nonsense; in fact, half of Yugi's friends couldn't even duel in tournaments.

 

Now I was never a popular guy, but after the incident, it seemed everyone was aware of me, and the popularity hit me like a jolt of electricity. Not one for fame, I paid little attention to it.

 

Riley is super-popular and he's such an awesome guy that he doesn't even care. That's how cool Riley is.

 

Can you go one sentence without making these characters into even more of a group of Mary Sue author/reader-insertion fantasy personas?

 

We went about our lives, hanging out, dueling, whatever, for about four months. Then - just as I knew it would - the day came where Crystal was called off as well. Rather than a Kaiba Corp employment opportunity, Crystal received an offer to travel around the world competing in various World Tournaments, allowing her to live the lifestyle she'd always wanted to; Duelist Extraordinaire.

 

Come on, you just set Crystal up as a dueling goddess who wipes the floor with the guy who beat Kaiba with perfect consistency. She doesn't need invites to do anything; she can just go out there herself and win everything.

 

I still miss them, Ace and Crystal. Generic names and all,

 

Okay, it makes sense for an author to be calling Ace and Crystal's names "generic", in the sense that they're generic for bad Mary Sue fanfiction (which this is from all appearances shaping up to be), but why does Riley consider them generic in-universe? Does he meet people named Ace and Crystal all the time? Are those this universe's equivalents of John and Mary? And how does Riley's comment make sense even if they are generic? I have friends named John and Mary, but I don't go around talking about how generic their names are.

 

It seems that Star was so busy including these repeated pointless nods to a problem he easily could have fixed that he forgot to actually make the character's thoughts make any bloody sense.

 

we grew up together, we'd always been the best of friends, and heck, we'd saved the world together twice. But there comes a time when people have to go do their own thing, and this just happened to be theirs. See unlike them, I didn't have any specific goals laid out, I'd never really spent time thinking about what I wanted to do when I got older. And so when they left, I had some trouble finding, well, finding out what I wanted to do with my life.

 

You, uh, beat Seto Kaiba in a duel and saved the world (twice!) by dueling. And you love dueling.

 

This really shouldn't be a difficult decision.

 

For the next three years, I guess you could say my popularity helped keep me entertained. I traveled Diamond City competing in the biggest, most competitive tournaments they had to offer. Without feeding my own ego, I was unsurprisingly successful in all of them.

 

He's so awesome that he expects to win everything and then he wins everything and he wins so much he's bored of winning because he's just that awesome. It's like being So Beautiful It's A Curse, but for a different genre's style of Mary Sue.

 

After all I'd been through, it just didn't seem possible for me to lose, because I'd learned to take the game seriously, rather than just go out there and throw some cards down. If I wanted to be a competitive duelist - and I'd had no choice when I was saving the world - I had to take time to think out my moves before I made them.

 

I think we're supposed to read this as a Bad Thing.

 

I think the intended audience is supposed to read this as a Bad Thing.

 

I think the intended audience is supposed to consist of seven-year-olds.

 

And believe it or not, it worked.

 

Really? Actually thinking instead of playing randomly and throwing cards around like a monkey helped you win? Shocking!

 

I faced "Champions" all over the city, and though some of them brought me to the limit, I managed to overcome all of the challenges that were presented to me.

 

Actually, what's shocking is that this alone seems sufficient to win. It's like nobody else in this universe actually thinks when playing.

 

But it didn't feel fulfilling. I love dueling, love it more than anything else - aside from my family and friends, of course - but this didn't seem like the lifestyle I wanted to live.

 

This reminds me of all those chess grandmasters who always talk about how they hate chess because they actually need to think while playing it. Except, wait, no, that's stupid and no such people exist.

 

This I-want-to-play-like-a-monkey-because-I'm-so-immature-that-I-don't-want-to-ever-have-to-think-about-anything nonsense seems to be too busy ripping off the start of GX Season 4 to bother making any bloody sense.

 

After it had been established that a Duel Spirit World did, infact, exist, a gate was opened up between the two worlds, allowing for travel between the two.

 

There were no paragraph breaks between this sentence and the preceding one. Riley just has ADD. Which actually explains why he hates the whole "planning" thing. Hooray! Consistent characterization has been achieved!

 

Leaders from both worlds met with one another, the goal being to work as allies to protect their worlds from danger.

 

Note that Riley thought this world-altering change was less important, and thus should be mentioned later than, his narration about how totally owning everyone with his awesome skills is getting boring.

 

You may or may not remember him, but I managed to get myself a "job" working for Exiro. Exiro, mystical guardian of both the human world and the Duel Spirit World. Great guy, er, Spirit, that Exiro.

 

see he said guy when hes not a guy cuz hes a spirit

 

geddit

 

its funny see

 

After my duel with Freed, the souls sent previously to the Shadow Realm were restored, and people and Duel Spirits alike returned to their everyday lives. So when the life of tournaments wasn't working out for me, I decided to travel to the Spirit World. A gate between the two worlds had been created, but that didn't mean there was free travel from either side. Leaders knew that would bring nothing but chaos, and as such, only select individuals were allowed to use it. Given my past affairs in the Duel Spirit World and in my own world - that being Earth - I was granted free travel.

 

It's like everything in this story is designed to hammer home the point that Riley is way more special than you losers; Riley is so much more special than you losers that he's actually bored of being so much more special than you losers; and Riley's friends Ace and Crystal are also super-special and are much more special than you losers.

 

I had friends and allies on both sides, and there was trust. Upon my arrival in the Duel Spirit World, I was met with praise and appreciation from everyone; after all, my duel with Freed had banished Freed and his minions to the shadows and restored peace to their world. As I mentioned earlier, though, the popularity was nothing for me to marvel at. Sure, you get cheered, and it's cool, but I prefer the style of "quiet hero", not "nationally recognized Superman".

 

I mean, I know he saved the world in the O60, but come on, I thought the point of this fanfic revival was to attract new readers, not to drive them away with all this nonsense about how famous and universally loved our totally-not-a-Sue hero is.

 

There were parties, and celebrations, and I couldn't even tell you how many people extended the offer to take residence in their homes, but - being the self-dependent individual I am - declined the offer.

 

Do you people understand how much of a Sue this guy is? This is even worse than that fic with the six Mary Sues, most of whom didn't even have names.

 

Why decline, you ask? Well it's simple. I didn't travel to the Duel Spirit World in search of a home, I did it in search of adventure. Not crazy showdowns with super-evil creatures, but something that would have a purpose.

 

A better story might pull a decent deconstruction by depicting its world-saving hero as a broken adrenaline junkie who, having saved the world, goes off to do insane things just to try to get another rush. Sadly, we're not in a better story, so instead we have Gary Stu here simply getting bored of being so awesome.

 

Though I'd done plenty of saving, I couldn't help but feel that I owed this to the world.

 

He's so awesome that he can save the world twice and it's still not enough because he can do so much more because he's just that awesome and I HATE RILEY I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM

 

The only time I felt true happiness was when I had something to accomplish. Put me under pressure and I'm twice as strong, sharp even, than normal. That's what I wanted. If you were to try and visualize someone who "works better under pressure", you're either going to visualize a high school student trying to justify the fact that they're putting an important project off until the last minute, or you're going to visualize me. I'll leave that up to you.

 

Bear in mind that he was wiping the floor with everyone at every tournament without his super-pressure-rush. In other words, he is explicitly stated in the very first chapter to have the ability to become even more broken than he already is.

 

Some of you may remember Rayori, a newer ally of mine who played a big part in my quest to defeat Freed. Exiro saw something in him, and as such decided to bestow upon him "The Blade of Cylix", a dual-edged blade guided by Duel Spirit powers.

 

Wait, they use swords in this world? They don't just use card games?

 

After our adventure concluded, Rayori returned to the Duel Spirit World to serve as the guardian of both worlds, a title previously wielded by Exiro himself. Rayori's "promotion", if you will, can be attributed to the fact that - when Freed was destroyed - the Duel Spirit World was plunged into chaos. Exiro "took the reigns" and helped restore peace and balance to the world, becoming the world's leader.

 

Something mildly interesting just happened, and we got a break from Riley complimenting himself.

 

I am truly awestruck.

 

I live in the Spirit World now. Not sure if I'd made that clear. As for my position, well, it's nothing specific, really. I basically wander around and act when called upon. A mercenary, if you will, except I don't need pay, and I do it because I feel I have something to give back to this world.

 

Aw, we're back to Riley talking about how he's a hardcore guy who wanders aimlessly and owns villains throughout the land.

 

New drinking game: take a sip every time you want to punch Riley's lights out for being an egotistical overpowered git.

 

I continue to duel to get stronger, and though I've faced some tough challenges here, I manage to hold my own quite well. Things here are generally calm. I mean sure, you're always going to have those one or two people who go around and try to take over the world, or go on about some evil quest, but it's nothing some dueling and perhaps hand-to-hand combat can't put a stop to.

 

Yeah, Riley handles insane world-conquering demons on a regular basis and alwa- wait, hand-to-hand combat? In addition to everything else, Riley's now also skilled at melee fighting? Really? I didn't think you'd actually go and give him another incredibly strong skill in a completely unrelated field.

 

Maybe punching his lights out might be a bit dangerous.

 

When Rayori's not here, I generally serve as this world's "protector", but as I said I'm not always needed.

 

It's the first chapter and our protagonist is already the protector of an entire dimension. And he's so awesome at it that he doesn't even consider it a full-time job.

 

Every sentence I tell myself Riley can't get any more powerful. And every sentence Star proves me wrong.

 

It's a calm, peaceful place, and I prefer to spend my time dueling and/or exploring. There's so much to learn here; it's a never-ending adventure that gets more exciting as the days progress. The first time I traveled to the Duel Spirit World - and the other times after until now - it'd been a land of darkness and destruction, with all its inhabitants living in constant fear for not only their well-being, but some, their lives.

 

I hate claim to hate to nitpick, but honestly, who worries about their well-being but not about their lives? Are there people who think, "Oh no, I could be evicted from my home and left to starve and have my hands cut off, but I'm not even remotely worried about problems like possibly dying"?

 

That's the least of this horrible Mary Suefest's problems, but it bears mentioning occasionally that, no, being a Mary Suefest isn't this story's only problem.

 

Ten years later, that's our lives in a nutshell. We went from crazy, fun-loving kids to adults who - though more responsible than before - haven't really changed much. I still duel, I still love adventure, and most importantly, I'm still extremely stubborn.

 

Riley knows he's so much more awesome than everyone else, so he doesn't bother listening to their advice.

 

Speaking of everyone else, Riley and Crystal were both famous professional duelists. How did they never meet?

 

Didn't want to leave that part out, of course. Everything stayed that way, peaceful, calm, no trouble aside from the occasional rogue duelist; life was great. But as in every cliche` story, you can't help but expect things to take a turn for the worse,

 

Okay, first of all, admitting that your story is cliché (or cliche`) doesn't make up for your story being cliché (or cliche`).

 

Second of all, Riley is the narrator, so unless he's one of those meta guys who can see the fourth wall, he shouldn't be acknowledging that he's in a cliché (or cliche`) story.

 

Third of all, what is this e` nonsense!? I know this is a relatively minor problem, but the fact remains that it would have been the easiest thing in the world to put a proper é there, so giving us a lousy e` betrays a lack of pride and effort in this work. Come on, even a simple "cliche" with no accent mark is an acceptable spelling, but cliche`? On top of not being over the e, the ` mark isn't even facing the right direction! It's é! The accent mark is diagonally upward! This isn't that hard! Even in the worst-case scenario, you could always just copy and paste the é from somewhere else. I hear the internet has some sites with an é in them. Like, say, Wikipedia. On its page about clichés. It's not that hard to find an é, you lazy fool!

 

and in this situation, I'll be honest and say I never, never expected what I encountered.

 

At least Riley doesn't seem to be an omniscient predictor of the future.

 

It all started yesterday.

 

Either this entire story takes place in the space of one day - which isn't impossible - or this framing device is going to bring us up to The Present in the middle of the adventure. Eh, I'm pretty sure Riley can solo any threat to the world in a single day.

 

Not sure of the date, they don't use that much here, but it was night, and that's generally how I determine the days. They say nostalgia's always fun; it brings back some good memories. True it does, but this is what happens when one good memory brings back many, many bad ones.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Generic ominous stuff with no content.

 

I'M NOT CONTINUING THIS

 

I know this was intended to introduce new readers to your setting, but I can't imagine any new readers, unless you're willing to count the seven-year-old idiot demographic, being drawn in by any of this. And not just because it's a massive infodump with nothing other than exposition being presented; the information presented makes it clear that all three protagonists (I'm assuming that Ace and Meth are protagonists) are ridiculously overpowered Mary Sues created solely to fulfill the fantasies of the seven-year-old idiot demographic, and which are so blatantly Suetiful that only the seven-year-old idiot demographic could feasibly take them seriously and enjoy their story.

 

But even beyond that, the story introduced is so generic that it hasn't even been really introduced, and you seem to take some sort of sick pride on flaunting how little effort you put into this story, léaving glaring flaws scattéréd all ovér that any half-décént writér could havé fixéd in a héartbéat.

 

This is a hack job and cannot possibly be worth reading.

 

 

 

As for my loss of the original one-third-draft: I just type this stuff up in my Firefox browser. There's no way I'm actually saving anything infected by YCM's stupidity on my computer. e.e

[CrabHelmet]

This time, however, I managed to finish the review... but at what cost?

 

[spoiler=I'm 37, I'm Not Old - {YuGiOh! Hidden Legacy - Next Generation}]Let's revisit our old friend Star, this time examining his [YuGiOh!] Hidden Legacy {Next Generation}.

 

This is apparently the sequel to a sixty-chapter fanfic started three years ago, but Star's setting this up so that you don't need to have read the original sixty chapters to understand what's going on here; he's trying to draw in new readers.

 

Author's Note: What you're about to read might anger you in one way:

 

But only one way. Everything else about this is absolutely perfect.

 

the generic names. I wrote this three years ago, and I've learned much when it comes to writing since then. Because of how much I've written with these characters, I don't want to change the names, but I ask you to focus on other points of the story in this situation.

 

I'll have more to say about this a bit later. But for now, let's just get started.

 

1 : Under Attack!

 

I can't read this name without thinking of

.

 

It’s been quite a while, hasn’t it? I’d say ten years, maybe more. Life’s a lot different now than it used to be,

 

It's a shame your writing ability isn't "a lot different now" than it was when you were in fourth grade. >_>

 

but I suppose it’s for the better. For those of you who don’t remember me, or perhaps don’t recognize me at all, the name’s Riley.

 

Wait, what's generic about "Riley" as a name? I was expecting him to be called "Joe" or something.

 

Those of you who do remember me, probably remember me as that naive young teenager who cared solely about having fun, living life as an adventure, and most importantly, dueling.

 

I'm sorry, I know dueling is serious business in this world, but honestly, something is seriously wrong with your priorities. This is like me announcing that, when I was fourteen, my priorities ran something like this:

 

3) Enjoy myself and feeling happiness

2) Being excited and successful throughout my life

1) GOTTA PLAY MONOPOLY

 

After all, it’s what brought us all together.

 

Riley: "We bonded over our mutual inability to understand what actually matters in life!"

 

Ace, Crystal and I, that is.

 

what

 

When you warned us about the "generic names", I thought you meant that the characters were all called things like "James" and "Mary", not generic Mary Sue names like "Ace" and "Crystal" and "Raven" and whatnot.

 

You really weren't joking. These are seriously horrible names.

 

You should have changed them.

 

I know you said why you didn't change them - you'd already written a lot with these characters. I don't care. Change the names anyway. You're trying to draw in new readers, and we new readers don't want to see you continue this stupidity just because you sucked at writing three years ago. There's no reason to keep dragging your story down like this.

 

The worst part is that you had a perfect opportunity to change their names without instituting a retcon. There's just been a ten-year time skip, taking them from being in their early teens to their mid-twenties. You could easily have just declared that Ace and Crystal were old nicknames that they have since outgrown - but instead you decided to continue to subject us to them.

 

Unfortunately, that which brought us together is the same thing that split us apart.

 

Please tell me that they prioritized dueling over breathing and died.

 

Ten years ago today, after my duel with The Dark General Freed, everything returned to normal. We continued to go about our lives, still hanging out and having fun when we could.

 

Because we all know that perfectly ordinary high school students who aren't involved in world-saving adventures never have any time for hanging out with perfectly ordinary friends. They're far too busy, uh, Not Saving The World. It's a full-time job.

 

Though it was fun, we all knew it wouldn’t last much longer. The three of us were becoming adults, and - as expected - our individual goals were much different.

 

Waging war against the head of an evil army of darkness and defeating him in a battle? No major psychological effect at all. Sitting in high school for a couple of years? Catapults them into maturity and sends them shooting off in all sorts of directions.

 

Also, I think Riley hates the word "different" and is actively working to screw up any phrase involving it.

 

Ace Diamond.

 

Even the one-shot villains from the 4Kids dubs don't have names this stupid. I eagerly await the revelation that Riley's other friend's full name is Crystal Meth.

 

Remember him? Easy going, fun-loving kid who always played somewhat of a "parental role", telling me what to do and what not to do.

 

Wait a minute, the easy-going one is the parental one who tells people what to do or not do? I'll admit that I haven't read the original sixty chapters (let's call them the O60), so maybe this description makes perfect sense in context, but as a one-line summary of Ace's character intended to introduce him to new readers, it seems awfully self-contradictory.

 

Not that I listened. Sometimes I still find it hard to believe that it's been ten years since I've seen him. I mean I'm twenty-five years old now, which means he's got to be what, twenty-four?

 

Riley's thought process: "Ace is one year younger than me. I'm twenty-five, so he must be, um... wait, let me think for a moment... I can figure this out... it will take me a moment to think, but I'll get this calculation done eventually..."

 

Though he loved to duel, Ace had always wanted to be a Card Designer.

 

Oh, no. This isn't going to be YCMer-insert escapist fantasy, is it?

 

He'd spent time at home drawing pictures and creating all sorts of effects for cards, many of which he'd actually tried to submit for approval. I always loved to see his cards, but I'll be honest - as good as he was - I never saw it doing much for him. It's funny, though, because I couldn't have been more wrong.

 

Yeah, this is going to be YCMer-insert escapist fantasy, all right. Time for a quick public service announcement.

 

ATTENTION SEVEN-YEAR-OLDS: REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED FROM FAN FICTION, MAKING CARDS HERE IS NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU A SUCCESSFUL LIFE. NOR WILL IT TURN YOU INTO A SUPERHERO.

 

Come on, Star, do you really need to stoop so low as to give your stupider readers this sort of pathetic fanservice?

 

Attempting to preserve our friendship after how much we'd been through, Ace and I hung out quite a lot for the first month or so after the incident.

 

Riley: "I didn't really like hanging out with him, but I hung out with him some anyhow because drifting apart after blowing up an evil overlord would be boring. But that's the only reason we spent time together. We really had nothing else in common."

 

If I recall correctly, it was a Tuesday afternoon that he received a phone call from a Kaiba Corp Executive--not quite sure what the man's name was. If you remember me, you'll remember I dueled Kaiba myself before I saved the world the first time around, and I managed to beat him. Those were the days. Anyway, back to Ace.

 

Riley: "So, we were hanging out, when Ace got a phone call from some Kaiba Corp Executive. He wasn't terribly important, so I don't remember his name. But while we're on the subject of Kaiba Corp Executives, I met a much more important one - Mr. Seto Kaiba himself. And then I dueled him and totally owned him. And then I went on to save the whole world. Man, I was awesome. Anyhow, I suppose I may as well get back to Ace, even though my accomplishments are so much more impressive."

 

(Who needs guest commentators when you can just have the narrator speak instead?)

 

I know what Star's going for here: he's trying to weave exposition about the O60 into the narrative. The problem is that it doesn't work, since the way he's written it makes it look like Riley is downplaying Ace's accomplishments by interrupting his description of them to one-up Ace with his own, apparently more impressive accomplishments.

 

In other words, the writing makes our narrator-protagonist come across as a self-absorbed git.

 

So this guy made him an offer we all knew he wouldn't be able to refuse.

 

They should make a remake of The Godfather starring Seto Kaiba and Dan Green.

 

They asked him to come to Domino City and work for Kaiba Corp, as one of three Lead Card Designers.

 

what

 

what

 

WHAT

 

This was delivered so quickly that it can be easy if you're skimming to miss how stupid it was, so let me restate: Kaiba Corp, which is apparently the company that makes Duel Monsters cards in this universe instead of Industrial Illusions as in the canon, called up this fourteen-year-old kid who they had never met and who had never been employed before and offered not just to give him a job but to give him one of the three top-ranked card design jobs in the entire company.

 

What is sane about this!?

 

We knew it was something he had always dreamed of, so of course we encouraged him to go.

 

Why would he need encouraging!? This is like Obama suddenly phoning me up and saying, "Hey, Crab Helmet, I saw your posts in the Debates section and you seem like a pretty cool guy girl person whose gender is disputed on the internet and which I am uncertain about because we've never met. Wanna be my Secretary of State?" You don't need to think about impossibly great job offers handed down to you by the author's plot hax! Nobody should need to encourage you!

 

Two days later after we said our goodbyes, he boarded a jet and I haven't heard from him since.

 

I mean, I know GX had a precedent for a guy being hired as a card designer, but when Kaiba Corp Industrial Illusions hired him (I forget his name, but he was the fat koala guy), they were only offering him an ordinary job, not one of the top three super lead executive jobs, and his decent card-making ability was balanced out by him being overweight, stupid, and - most importantly, I'm sure - terrible at dueling. Here, however, Ace just gets an insane job offer when he is otherwise a rational person who can be simultaneously easy-going and parental and already has strong dueling abilities. And he's an obvious avatar for all of YCM's idiot readers. And his name is Ace. How much more obvious a Mary Sue can you make?

 

Of course, with Ace gone, that left Crystal and I by ourselves. Crystal. Crystal Snow.

 

I'm going to assume that "snow" is slang for heroin so that Crystal's name can keep the drug reference I wanted.

 

What her parents were thinking with the names I'll never know,

 

I hate it when authors do this.

 

Why do you guys always seem to think that acknowledging your problems is just as good as solving them? Including the nod that your names suck, or that your plot sucks, or that your writing sucks, or that you suck doesn't make up for the sucking. You can announce that you're too lazy to type well, but that won't make up for the fact that your story looks like it was written by a first grader whose monitor was off while they were typing. You can announce that you're not the best athlete in the world, but you won't be awarded an Olympic Gold Medal for acknowledging that. Admitting to a flaw isn't an acceptable substitute for fixing said flaw.

 

but she and I had always been great friends. Crystal was always there for me, and I tried my best to return the favor. Unlike most girls, she was less into fashion and more into dueling. It was what her life was all about, dueling.

 

Star fights against sexist gender stereotypes by, uh, saying that most girls are as obsessed with fashion as these three lunatics are obsessed with dueling, to the point of basing their entire lives around it. Thanks for being progressive, champ.

 

And it was fitting, too, because she was a better duelist than I was. Only once was I able to defeat her, and that's a time I prefer not to dwell upon because of the details surrounding it.

 

Our protagonists are as follows:

 

1) A guy who already trounced Seto Kaiba and saved the world, and who is thus probably the strongest duelist alive.

 

2) A girl who can beat said guy with perfect consistency, and who is thus probably even stronger.

 

3) Ace.

 

These three are all ridiculously overpowered Mary Sue characters who have already surpassed the highest level of play in existence. Why should we care about these people anymore? They cannot develop any further; they're already super-powered. And due to their extreme power, there can be no dramatic tension, as there can be no credible threats to characters this powerful. One could argue that them being so strong is understandable given that they have already emerged from a sixty-chapter adventure, but even if that's the case, why are they still the protagonists? Their role is finished; they need to move out of the way and make room for someone interesting.

 

Also, I completely call shenanigans on the three most powerful characters in the world all being middle school friends. The actual anime did the stupid broken stuff as well, like having Yugi beat Kaiba in the first episode and then act like Mako Tsunami was somehow a threat, or with Jaden/Judai doing pretty much anything he ever did, but at least it never pulled that all-the-friends-happen-to-be-dueling-gods nonsense; in fact, half of Yugi's friends couldn't even duel in tournaments.

 

Now I was never a popular guy, but after the incident, it seemed everyone was aware of me, and the popularity hit me like a jolt of electricity. Not one for fame, I paid little attention to it.

 

Riley is super-popular and he's such an awesome guy that he doesn't even care. That's how cool Riley is.

 

Can you go one sentence without making these characters into even more of a group of Mary Sue author/reader-insertion fantasy personas?

 

We went about our lives, hanging out, dueling, whatever, for about four months. Then - just as I knew it would - the day came where Crystal was called off as well. Rather than a Kaiba Corp employment opportunity, Crystal received an offer to travel around the world competing in various World Tournaments, allowing her to live the lifestyle she'd always wanted to; Duelist Extraordinaire.

 

Come on, you just set Crystal up as a dueling goddess who wipes the floor with the guy who beat Kaiba with perfect consistency. She doesn't need invites to do anything; she can just go out there herself and win everything.

 

I still miss them, Ace and Crystal. Generic names and all,

 

Okay, it makes sense for an author to be calling Ace and Crystal's names "generic", in the sense that they're generic for bad Mary Sue fanfiction (which this is from all appearances shaping up to be), but why does Riley consider them generic in-universe? Does he meet people named Ace and Crystal all the time? Are those this universe's equivalents of John and Mary? And how does Riley's comment make sense even if they are generic? I have friends named John and Mary, but I don't go around talking about how generic their names are.

 

It seems that Star was so busy including these repeated pointless nods to a problem he easily could have fixed that he forgot to actually make the character's thoughts make any bloody sense.

 

we grew up together, we'd always been the best of friends, and heck, we'd saved the world together twice. But there comes a time when people have to go do their own thing, and this just happened to be theirs. See unlike them, I didn't have any specific goals laid out, I'd never really spent time thinking about what I wanted to do when I got older. And so when they left, I had some trouble finding, well, finding out what I wanted to do with my life.

 

You, uh, beat Seto Kaiba in a duel and saved the world (twice!) by dueling. And you love dueling.

 

This really shouldn't be a difficult decision.

 

For the next three years, I guess you could say my popularity helped keep me entertained. I traveled Diamond City competing in the biggest, most competitive tournaments they had to offer. Without feeding my own ego, I was unsurprisingly successful in all of them.

 

He's so awesome that he expects to win everything and then he wins everything and he wins so much he's bored of winning because he's just that awesome. It's like being So Beautiful It's A Curse, but for a different genre's style of Mary Sue.

 

After all I'd been through, it just didn't seem possible for me to lose, because I'd learned to take the game seriously, rather than just go out there and throw some cards down. If I wanted to be a competitive duelist - and I'd had no choice when I was saving the world - I had to take time to think out my moves before I made them.

 

I think we're supposed to read this as a Bad Thing.

 

I think the intended audience is supposed to read this as a Bad Thing.

 

I think the intended audience is supposed to consist of seven-year-olds.

 

And believe it or not, it worked.

 

Really? Actually thinking instead of playing randomly and throwing cards around like a monkey helped you win? Shocking!

 

I faced "Champions" all over the city, and though some of them brought me to the limit, I managed to overcome all of the challenges that were presented to me.

 

Actually, what's shocking is that this alone seems sufficient to win. It's like nobody else in this universe actually thinks when playing.

 

But it didn't feel fulfilling. I love dueling, love it more than anything else - aside from my family and friends, of course - but this didn't seem like the lifestyle I wanted to live.

 

This reminds me of all those chess grandmasters who always talk about how they hate chess because they actually need to think while playing it. Except, wait, no, that's stupid and no such people exist.

 

This I-want-to-play-like-a-monkey-because-I'm-so-immature-that-I-don't-want-to-ever-have-to-think-about-anything nonsense seems to be too busy ripping off the start of GX Season 4 to bother making any bloody sense.

 

After it had been established that a Duel Spirit World did, infact, exist, a gate was opened up between the two worlds, allowing for travel between the two.

 

There were no paragraph breaks between this sentence and the preceding one. Riley just has ADD. Which actually explains why he hates the whole "planning" thing. Hooray! Consistent characterization has been achieved!

 

Leaders from both worlds met with one another, the goal being to work as allies to protect their worlds from danger.

 

Note that Riley thought this world-altering change was less important, and thus should be mentioned later than, his narration about how totally owning everyone with his awesome skills is getting boring.

 

You may or may not remember him, but I managed to get myself a "job" working for Exiro. Exiro, mystical guardian of both the human world and the Duel Spirit World. Great guy, er, Spirit, that Exiro.

 

see he said guy when hes not a guy cuz hes a spirit

 

geddit

 

its funny see

 

After my duel with Freed, the souls sent previously to the Shadow Realm were restored, and people and Duel Spirits alike returned to their everyday lives. So when the life of tournaments wasn't working out for me, I decided to travel to the Spirit World. A gate between the two worlds had been created, but that didn't mean there was free travel from either side. Leaders knew that would bring nothing but chaos, and as such, only select individuals were allowed to use it. Given my past affairs in the Duel Spirit World and in my own world - that being Earth - I was granted free travel.

 

It's like everything in this story is designed to hammer home the point that Riley is way more special than you losers; Riley is so much more special than you losers that he's actually bored of being so much more special than you losers; and Riley's friends Ace and Crystal are also super-special and are much more special than you losers.

 

I had friends and allies on both sides, and there was trust. Upon my arrival in the Duel Spirit World, I was met with praise and appreciation from everyone; after all, my duel with Freed had banished Freed and his minions to the shadows and restored peace to their world. As I mentioned earlier, though, the popularity was nothing for me to marvel at. Sure, you get cheered, and it's cool, but I prefer the style of "quiet hero", not "nationally recognized Superman".

 

I mean, I know he saved the world in the O60, but come on, I thought the point of this fanfic revival was to attract new readers, not to drive them away with all this nonsense about how famous and universally loved our totally-not-a-Sue hero is.

 

There were parties, and celebrations, and I couldn't even tell you how many people extended the offer to take residence in their homes, but - being the self-dependent individual I am - declined the offer.

 

Do you people understand how much of a Sue this guy is? This is even worse than that fic with the six Mary Sues, most of whom didn't even have names.

 

Why decline, you ask? Well it's simple. I didn't travel to the Duel Spirit World in search of a home, I did it in search of adventure. Not crazy showdowns with super-evil creatures, but something that would have a purpose.

 

A better story might pull a decent deconstruction by depicting its world-saving hero as a broken adrenaline junkie who, having saved the world, goes off to do insane things just to try to get another rush. Sadly, we're not in a better story, so instead we have Gary Stu here simply getting bored of being so awesome.

 

Though I'd done plenty of saving, I couldn't help but feel that I owed this to the world.

 

He's so awesome that he can save the world twice and it's still not enough because he can do so much more because he's just that awesome and I HATE RILEY I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM

 

The only time I felt true happiness was when I had something to accomplish. Put me under pressure and I'm twice as strong, sharp even, than normal. That's what I wanted. If you were to try and visualize someone who "works better under pressure", you're either going to visualize a high school student trying to justify the fact that they're putting an important project off until the last minute, or you're going to visualize me. I'll leave that up to you.

 

Bear in mind that he was wiping the floor with everyone at every tournament without his super-pressure-rush. In other words, he is explicitly stated in the very first chapter to have the ability to become even more broken than he already is.

 

Some of you may remember Rayori, a newer ally of mine who played a big part in my quest to defeat Freed. Exiro saw something in him, and as such decided to bestow upon him "The Blade of Cylix", a dual-edged blade guided by Duel Spirit powers.

 

Wait, they use swords in this world? They don't just use card games?

 

After our adventure concluded, Rayori returned to the Duel Spirit World to serve as the guardian of both worlds, a title previously wielded by Exiro himself. Rayori's "promotion", if you will, can be attributed to the fact that - when Freed was destroyed - the Duel Spirit World was plunged into chaos. Exiro "took the reigns" and helped restore peace and balance to the world, becoming the world's leader.

 

Something mildly interesting just happened, and we got a break from Riley complimenting himself.

 

I am truly awestruck.

 

I live in the Spirit World now. Not sure if I'd made that clear. As for my position, well, it's nothing specific, really. I basically wander around and act when called upon. A mercenary, if you will, except I don't need pay, and I do it because I feel I have something to give back to this world.

 

Aw, we're back to Riley talking about how he's a hardcore guy who wanders aimlessly and owns villains throughout the land.

 

New drinking game: take a sip every time you want to punch Riley's lights out for being an egotistical overpowered git.

 

I continue to duel to get stronger, and though I've faced some tough challenges here, I manage to hold my own quite well. Things here are generally calm. I mean sure, you're always going to have those one or two people who go around and try to take over the world, or go on about some evil quest, but it's nothing some dueling and perhaps hand-to-hand combat can't put a stop to.

 

Yeah, Riley handles insane world-conquering demons on a regular basis and alwa- wait, hand-to-hand combat? In addition to everything else, Riley's now also skilled at melee fighting? Really? I didn't think you'd actually go and give him another incredibly strong skill in a completely unrelated field.

 

Maybe punching his lights out might be a bit dangerous.

 

When Rayori's not here, I generally serve as this world's "protector", but as I said I'm not always needed.

 

It's the first chapter and our protagonist is already the protector of an entire dimension. And he's so awesome at it that he doesn't even consider it a full-time job.

 

Every sentence I tell myself Riley can't get any more powerful. And every sentence Star proves me wrong.

 

It's a calm, peaceful place, and I prefer to spend my time dueling and/or exploring. There's so much to learn here; it's a never-ending adventure that gets more exciting as the days progress. The first time I traveled to the Duel Spirit World - and the other times after until now - it'd been a land of darkness and destruction, with all its inhabitants living in constant fear for not only their well-being, but some, their lives.

 

I hate claim to hate to nitpick, but honestly, who worries about their well-being but not about their lives? Are there people who think, "Oh no, I could be evicted from my home and left to starve and have my hands cut off, but I'm not even remotely worried about problems like possibly dying"?

 

That's the least of this horrible Mary Suefest's problems, but it bears mentioning occasionally that, no, being a Mary Suefest isn't this story's only problem.

 

Ten years later, that's our lives in a nutshell. We went from crazy, fun-loving kids to adults who - though more responsible than before - haven't really changed much. I still duel, I still love adventure, and most importantly, I'm still extremely stubborn.

 

Riley knows he's so much more awesome than everyone else, so he doesn't bother listening to their advice.

 

Speaking of everyone else, Riley and Crystal were both famous professional duelists. How did they never meet?

 

Didn't want to leave that part out, of course. Everything stayed that way, peaceful, calm, no trouble aside from the occasional rogue duelist; life was great. But as in every cliche` story, you can't help but expect things to take a turn for the worse,

 

Okay, first of all, admitting that your story is cliché (or cliche`) doesn't make up for your story being cliché (or cliche`).

 

Second of all, Riley is the narrator, so unless he's one of those meta guys who can see the fourth wall, he shouldn't be acknowledging that he's in a cliché (or cliche`) story.

 

Third of all, what is this e` nonsense!? I know this is a relatively minor problem, but the fact remains that it would have been the easiest thing in the world to put a proper é there, so giving us a lousy e` betrays a lack of pride and effort in this work. Come on, even a simple "cliche" with no accent mark is an acceptable spelling, but cliche`? On top of not being over the e, the ` mark isn't even facing the right direction! It's é! The accent mark is diagonally upward! This isn't that hard! Even in the worst-case scenario, you could always just copy and paste the é from somewhere else. I hear the internet has some sites with an é in them. Like, say, Wikipedia. On its page about clichés. It's not that hard to find an é, you lazy fool!

 

and in this situation, I'll be honest and say I never, never expected what I encountered.

 

At least Riley doesn't seem to be an omniscient predictor of the future.

 

It all started yesterday.

 

Either this entire story takes place in the space of one day - which isn't impossible - or this framing device is going to bring us up to The Present in the middle of the adventure. Eh, I'm pretty sure Riley can solo any threat to the world in a single day.

 

Not sure of the date, they don't use that much here, but it was night, and that's generally how I determine the days. They say nostalgia's always fun; it brings back some good memories. True it does, but this is what happens when one good memory brings back many, many bad ones.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Generic ominous stuff with no content.

 

I'M NOT CONTINUING THIS

 

I know this was intended to introduce new readers to your setting, but I can't imagine any new readers, unless you're willing to count the seven-year-old idiot demographic, being drawn in by any of this. And not just because it's a massive infodump with nothing other than exposition being presented; the information presented makes it clear that all three protagonists (I'm assuming that Ace and Meth are protagonists) are ridiculously overpowered Mary Sues created solely to fulfill the fantasies of the seven-year-old idiot demographic, and which are so blatantly Suetiful that only the seven-year-old idiot demographic could feasibly take them seriously and enjoy their story.

 

But even beyond that, the story introduced is so generic that it hasn't even been really introduced, and you seem to take some sort of sick pride on flaunting how little effort you put into this story, léaving glaring flaws scattéréd all ovér that any half-décént writér could havé fixéd in a héartbéat.

 

This is a hack job and cannot possibly be worth reading.

 

 

 

As for my loss of the original one-third-draft: I just type this stuff up in my Firefox browser. There's no way I'm actually saving anything infected by YCM's stupidity on my computer. e.e