Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

[Nathanael D. Striker]

Great Crab. My fanfic can use your editing expertiece.

[Toffee.]

Incaseoffiredeletespaces

God,Theserandomonelinersarejustbrilliant

[Kuri]

I knew as soon as I read that story that you were going to massacre it here.

 

I do recommend Xros Wars' date=' by the way; it should make for a good Foe Fiction.

[/quote']

good i need a good laugh ^.^ please crab foe fic it

[CrabHelmet]

Do not read this. It is seriously horrible.

 

[spoiler=I Did It 35 Minutes Ago - {C-4 Bomb Scan}]Crab Helmet's Journal. June 26th, 2010. Pichu carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This forum is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The threads are extended gutters and the gutters are full of terrible fanfics and when the Chapter Plots finally scab over, all the writers will drown. The accumulated filth of all their typos and plot holes will foam up about their waists and all the hacks and morons will look up and shout "Save us!" And I'll look down, and whisper "no."

 

Today is a very special day. Today is the day I see what is wrong with the Fan Fic I have entered and what is okay with it but can be better.

 

They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good men like... well, I'm sure there are some good men. Decent men, who believed in decent work for a decent story. Instead they followed the droppings of idiots and scribblers and didn't realize that the trail led over a precipice until it was too late. Either that, or they tried to copy the good men but without the quality. Don't tell me they didn't have a choice. Now the whole forum stands on the brink, staring down into bloody hell, all those writers and authors and posters, and all of a sudden nobody can think of anything to say.

 

Unlike Foe Fiction, though, I won't just focus on negative aspects, but positive aspects as well, along with Comedy through and through.

 

Oye, I focus on the positive aspects as well. There just rarely are any because YCM is just that bad, and my efforts aren't doing much to improve it. This board is dying of rabies. Is the best I can do to wipe random flecks of foam from its lips?

 

As long as the story is both good and bad at the same time, I'll be coming for this and many others.

 

I have no idea what this line is supposed to mean, so I'll just take this opportunity to object to this whole thing being center-aligned and written in large, fabulously-coloured letters. I've fixed the alignment, but I'm keeping the colours and size and bold so that you can all fully experience the pain I felt from reading this. If reading this now, whether I am alive or dead, you will know truth.

 

And I don't have to set off my C-4 Bomb at the end. Although bad Fics need to be hurt back, I'll detonate the chapter if it is horrible. Don't think you can get passed me. I can see something wrong with the vision of a hawk. So let's begin the C-4 Bomb Scan.

 

I found something horrible. It's your spelling of the word "past".

 

The C4 gimmick seems, well, unspeakably gimmicky and incredibly stupid, but I fully support blowing up bad things. There is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise on this.

 

I will be attempting to make a fan fic that combines Yugioh and Mario. Yes I am remaking the plot summary into chapter one.

Well at least you understood that from Weather Report - Stand.

 

I should explain the circumstances here. See, ZeroChill wrote a fanfic called Yugioh/Mario: The Clash of two Dimensions, which Weather Report then reviewed, which ZeroChill then may or may not have revised (research takes too much work for me). double_c4 then wrote a commentary on it that references Weather Report's original in some places. And I think someone else reviewed double_c4's own review of the already-reviewed story before I could write this, though I haven't read that one.

 

So this is about as meta as reviews get. The original story is buried beneath a mountain of reviews. I am looking at the stars. They're so far away. And their light takes so long to reach us. All we ever see of stars are their old photographs.

 

To whom concern:

Mario doesn't speak! Got that? He communicates using gestures and grunts.

That may be true, but Luigi shouldn't speak either. we never heard them speak at all, so I like how you went along with this.

 

Indeed, Luigi has never spoken. Except in Paper Mario. And its sequel. And its sequel. And probably in the Mario and Luigi series, though I haven't played those myself so I can't be certain. And in random phrases in all of his appearance, like "Weegee time". And calling for Mario in Luigi's Mansion. And, you know, in huge text bubbles in Super Mario Galaxy, which is a modern-generation Mario game that there's really no excuse for overlooking.

 

If you came here looking for Mario to speak words, too bad. It was suggested that Mario doesn't speak to retain that Mario element. I don't care if you say "But Mario Should Speak. It is a fan fiction isn't it? I want it to not resemble Mario at all!", Mario won't speak!

Okay, we get it! Mario won't speak, but neither should Luigi. They both never speak except for "Here we go!", "Letsa go!", and "Mama Mia!" Bottom line, make them both speak in gestures!

 

double_c4 claims he didn't know because he didn't play all of the Mario games, but if you're going to whine about things like LUIGI SHOULDNT SPEAK EITHER, you can't have such huge gaping holes in your background as Super Mario Galaxy. If you aren't familiar with the canon, don't argue over the canon. Especially since little is less consistent than Mario canon.

 

You keep calling people out incorrectly on mainstream things you're clueless about. I don' like you.

 

Chapter 1

Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Wario, Waluigi, Yoshi, Birdo, Donkey Kong, and Bowser all have been facing each other and even help each other out as well.

 

I'm going to agree with Weather Report on this one. Birdo was rarely used and/or mentioned. Why not replace him with Bowser Jr. instead? At least HE had a bigger role. And it looks a lot like a Run-on sentence, but I'll let it slide.

 

That's not my mistake there; double_c4 suddenly changes format here for no reason and starts including spaces between his commentary and the original fic. Reading from double_c4 left bad taste in mouth. He is inconsistent and foolish, betraying even his own shallow, stupid affectations. Possibly retarded? Must remember to investigate further.

 

Anyhow, what's this nonsense about cutting Birdo for being too obscure? She's been a Mario Kart staple since Double Dash. She's famous for being the first transsexual video game character. She was even a prominent stage element in Super Smash Bros Melee, and there's nothing obscure about Melee. Besides, considering how many holes are in your Mario series knowledge, who are you to be calling characters obscure?

 

And of all the characters to suggest putting in her place, why Bowser Jr., arguably the single character with the largest hatedom in the entire Marioverse?

 

But more to the point, why are you whining about the author choosing one set of characters to star in the fanfic instead of another? Why don't you follow it up by saying that laser tag isn't as cool as a random appearance by Ann 10?

 

It was one day when they were all at their homes at 6:56AM. Parakerry the mail parakoopa goes to the Mario abode and delivers a special letter to Mario & Luigi. "Mail Call!!".

 

Since I don't know every character in the Mario Universe, I have no clue who Parakerry is. Hell, I don't even know what a Parakoopa is either. Maybe you should make the characters' name in Hyperlinks of their Wiki pages. Learn from that.

 

Yeah, because all great stories are filled with hyperlinks to information that the intended audience already knows. Why don't you go ask him to add a Chapter Characters before the story so we can find out who this "Waluigi" is while you're at it?

 

Parakarry - the original author misspelled it - is a character from the Paper Mario series who is, well, a mail-delivering Parakoopa. Paper Mario's characters aren't exactly deep; ZeroChill summed up his whole character in three words ther- waitaminute.

 

Hell, I don't even know what a Parakoopa is either.

 

No.

 

Hell, I don't even know what a Parakoopa is either.

 

You didn't.

 

Hell, I don't even know what a Parakoopa is either.

 

There's no way.

 

Hell, I don't even know what a Parakoopa is either.

 

They're Koopa Troopas with wings! They're about as basic a Mario enemy as you can get without resorting to Goombas!

 

Do you want to know what games they've been in? Super Mario Bros. Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels. Super Mario Bros 3. Super Mario World. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island. Yoshi's Island DS. Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. Mario Kart: Double Dash!! Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story. Paper Mario. Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. Super Paper Mario. Super Smash Bros Melee. Super Smash Bros Brawl. Mario Tennis. Mario Power Tennis. Mario Superstar Baseball. Mario Super Sluggers. Mario Hoops 3 on 3. Hotel Mario. Super Princess Peach. New Super Mario Bros. New Super Mario Bros Wii. And probably a bunch of other random stuff like the Mario Party series too.

 

You're completely and utterly clueless about everything Mario-related, and yet you have the audacity to come in here and argue over canon and complain about the characters being too obscure and moaning over not being given enough information. Did you ever consider that maybe the target audience for a Mario fanfic might possibly be people who have played a Mario game at some point in their life!? I can't even come up with a Rorschach quote to properly express how terrible this is.

 

Luigi being the keeper of the home, collects the letter from the mailbox.

 

How the Hell is Luigi the Keeper? You need to explain this stuff instead of just saying he is. How long has he been the Keeper? How did he become the Keeper? Why was he chosen for it? Describe it as answers to these questions.

 

All the Paper Mario games open with Parakarry delivering a letter and Luigi collecting it. No, it is not even remotely reasonable to demand that fanfics recap all of canon for the benefit of people who have been living under rocks and don't know what Parakoopas are. You want to know what you get when you pointlessly recap canon? You get that awful Star Wars fanfic.

 

"Thanks Parakerry!" Luigi says in excitement. "No problem Luigi. Tell your brother I said hi!". With that, Parakerry had flown into the sky, delivering the other special letters to the gang of Mario.

 

"Where Mario leads his group of Coin Stealers and Mushroom Abusers to bring havoc to the Mushroom Kingdom."

 

Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.

 

I suppose this is the "comedy" mentioned in the introduction. LOL MARIO DUZ MUSHRUUMS XD XD XD XD XD

 

I mean, what's so funny? What's so goddamned funny?

 

"Mario! Parakerry delivered a letter and he said hi." Mario comes out, dressed in his usual casual overalls and red shirt. He makes but a simple gesture of surprise. He grabs the letter and reads it.

 

Okay, this is better, sort of. You explain Mario's attire perfectly, in my opinion. But a "simple gesture of surprise" isn't really describing as "Leaving the rock", meaning you just said an undescribed statement.

 

Yeah, Mario has a really complex wardrobe that nobody can picture on their own, unless they've done something drastic like ever playing a Mario game in their life.

 

What sort of description for the exclamation of surprise are you expecting? Mario's "Oh!'s" are distinguishable in audio format, but there's no reasonable way to specify which is being used in verbal form without saying "It's the surprise one". It's like you read one Foe Fiction commentary, saw some stuff about showing and telling and description and stuff, and then just decided to throw lines about that around willy-nilly. Your commentary is as nourishing to the intellect as a photo of oxygen to a drowning man.

 

"Bro! It's a special letter from Toadsworth! I wonder what he wrote." Luigi stands behind Mario in anticipation, hoping to find out what is written in the letter.

 

Now it sounds like Mario is talking, even though you said he doesn't. You need to point out that Luigi is talking so nobody gets confused when reading this after reading your little reminder.

 

Indeed, it's extremely confusing that Luigi might be the person continuing to speak during a paragraph that began with him speaking and where the only other person in the room never speaks.

 

You know the kind of cancer that you get better form eventually? Well, that ain't the kind of cancer this review's got.

 

Dear Mario Bros.

 

I have invited you and your friends all over to have a banquet and party. I know how tired you guys are of always working hard to achieve what you have. I want to award you. I will have the party by the Mushroom Wharf Manor near the rushing rivers junction at 7PM. I hope to meet you there, and bring all of your gear with you. I have a very special surprise for you.

 

Signed,

Toadsworth

 

Do you have any clue on how letter format actually works? And who the Hell is Toadsworth? It sounds like a ripoff name from Princess Toadstool, AKA Peach. And where did the name "Wharf Manor" come from? Are you really desperate at choosing names of locations?

 

Nope, you don't know who Toadsworth is either. We can add Super Mario Sunshine, another of the main series games, to the list of Mario games you've never played. I'm pretty sure we've now confirmed that it's completely impossible for you to have ever played any Mario game in existence, with the possible exception of Super Mario 64, and yet you still feel the need to interject these complaints about not recognizing the characters. That's like me reviewing a Yu-Gi-Oh! GX fanfic and then getting upset when there's all these characters named Jaden and Syrus and stuff that I've never heard of.

 

I am tired of this reviewer; these stupid comments. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of its idiocy.

 

And Wharf Manor sounds like a very Marioverseesque name to me. >_>

 

"So, Toadsworth is having a party to reward our efforts right? I should be a bit suspicious though since it is at the old Wharf down the river." Mario then makes the gesture of excitement with a thumbs up and a victorious grunt.

 

Again you do this. I'm still wondering whether it's Luigi talking or Mario talking in his mind? Try and make it so we know who the hell is saying! It's annoying!

 

It's so confusing! Is it Groucho talking, or Harpo? Is Luigi talking, or is it his pet rock?

 

Mario goes down to Toad Town to meet with the Princess about the letter he received. Toadsworth, however, is nowhere to be found.

 

Nothing to say. Moving on!

 

Thanks for interrupting the story to say that you have nothing to say. That really contributed a lot. Honestly, how stupid ar-

 

Hell, I don't even know what a Parakoopa is either.

 

Beneath me, this awful commentary, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children who think they can write reviews.

 

As Mario travels with Luigi to the castle, Bowser shows up. Luigi notices Toadsworth's letter in his hand.

 

DESCRIBE!! How do we know Bowser got the same letter? Why didn't you describe how the others got their letters and their reaction to it? This makes no sense!

 

We know he got the same letter because it just said so. What do you want him to do, write out its full text again? He didn't describe each character receiving exactly the same letter because that would be a tedious waste of time. Look, just because my reviews consist of nothing but complaints doesn't mean you can make passable reviews by just complaining about random things.

 

No, I don't mind being the smartest reviewer in the forum. I just wish it wasn't this one. (take dat wethur repors n phantums)

 

"Hey Bowser, where did you get that letter from? I don't remember the letter being handed to our enemies". "Well Mario Bros, if you must know, Parakerry gave that letter to me and said it was a Special Delivery. I saw the Princesses with them, the Wario Bros., Yoshi, even Birdo has one! How did Birdo get a letter???" Luigi grins and responds cheerfully.

 

-_- Why do I even bother? Next!

 

What? He just described each character getting their letters and revealed that the letters were the same. Isn't that exactly what you wanted? But in answer to your question: I beg you, please don't bother. Just stop writing these. It don't matter squat because inside thirty days the bans are gonna be flyin' like maybugs... and then Crabby here is gonna be the smartest man on the offline server.

 

"Well if you must know, Birdo was quite the enemy in the Dream World and Even traveled all the way to Beanbean and worked alongside Popple, so there you have it." "It still doesn't make sense however that Birdo would even get one. I find it suspicious that the Princess' adviser would mail it to everyone, even me! He even left me without vacation back when you guys were partying at the cruise. Still, I do want to tag along and at least party. I won't fight you this time Mario, but that doesn't mean I won't kidnap the Princess next time." Mario stares at Bowser and squeezes the letter he has in his hand.

 

I'm about 1 sec. away from starting the bomb! Bowser doesn't talk and he never will! Got that?!

 

Bowser... doesn't... talk? Since when!? He's been blabbing all the time as far back as the SNES!

 

Hell, I don't even know what a Parakoopa is either.

 

Seriously, stop this review. Listen, you little punk, you better get back in your RP subforums! I got snark, I got insults…

 

When the Mario Bros. reach Princess Peach's Castle, they were surprised not to have found Toadsworth anywhere. As Mario and Luigi go into her room, they find Peach sitting on her bed. Princess Peach was getting her party dress ready for the big banquet later. Mario waves his hand and grunts out a hi.

 

You know, it would be better for Mario to actually speak for once. It helps for character development AND it's more believable!

 

I actually agree here that Mario should speak, especially since it's frequently made clear that he does speak audibly to everyone except the player (though Super Mario RPG's elaborate mimes indicate the opposite; the Marioverse doesn't have continuity).

 

Don't get me wrong. You made one half-decent comment, far later than it should have been made, but you're still awful. Your review is a joke. You hear Crab's back in town, you think "Oh, boy! Let's gang up and bust idiots!" You think that matters? You think that solves anything? Not with your total incompetence, it certainly doesn't.

 

"Oh Mario! and Luigi! You guys are here. What are you guys doing here?" "Mario and I received a letter from Toadsworth. We were trying to find him, then got the idea to talk to you. Do you know where Toadsworth is?" "I do not have an idea guys. Sorry, but I haven't seen or heard from Toadsworth all day, except from this letter. I guess he is at the old Wharf preparing the party. I think you should go after. You know how much Toadsworth likes to keep his surprises." Mario shakes his head in agreement. He believes that a good surprise should not be Spoiled. "I am going to the party with company from Daisy. She is my best friend who I would hate to miss out on a good party. See you there." Mario and Luigi leave the castle to get prepared for the party.

 

Keep it up! Keep leaving out major details! I'll just reduce the time of the bomb to 1 min. instead of 10!

 

Is that all you're going to complain about now? Insufficient description? In Mario? Is that really the only problem you can see with all of this? I'm becoming more and more convinced that the existence of life is a highly overrated phenomenon.

 

It is 6:58 PM as Mario and Luigi are wearing their trademark overalls and shirts. The only change in their outfit is a corsage on their shirt.

 

Okay, that's what I wanted to see. You described their appearance very easily. Try and do that for the rest off this chapter.

 

Yeah, that one line "off" description - DEY HAD CORSAGE K - was absolutely brilliant and solved all of this story's problems. When I made Foe Fiction, I didn't intend to spawn this. It's no good; the forum's disintegrating. What's happened to YCM? What's happened to the YCM dream? Considering how bad this site is now, I think it came true. I'm lookin' at it.

 

As they go to the wharf, they find Yoshi walking to the party sporting his regular green and white skin with Donkey Kong. They see Donkey Kong approaching them. Donkey Kong is sporting his usual tie and fur, like he always does.

 

I'm glad you're doing better, but EXPLAIN HOW THEY GOT THE LETTERS! If you can't do that, then I don't see the point of going on! Got it?!?

 

Uh, they got the letters when Parakarry delivered them, as was explicitly stated earlier.

 

I looked at this abominable review. I tried to pretend it looked like black letters on a page, purple letters pooled beneath them, but it didn’t. It looked more like a dead cat I once found, the fat, glistening grubs writhing blindly, squirming over each other, frantically tunneling away from the light. But even that is avoiding the real horror. The horror is this: In the end, it is simply a picture of empty meaningless idiocy. We are morons. There is nothing else.

 

"Hey Mario, how long was it since our last meet together?" Mario responded with a head shake and a handshake. "Woo! Luigi, have fun at the party you hear?" "Ok DK!" Donkey Kong leaves the area to the party at such speed. "Crazy Gorilla, always love that guy". Yoshi immediately notices Mario and Flutters toward him for excitement.

 

I take it all back, for now. Do better!

 

Here's constructive criticism for you: Do better! What a skillfully-written review this is.

 

The purpose of this commentary is to tear double_c4's pathetic excuse for a review to shreds, but in the end, I am forced to endure the trauma of reading this nightmare. He's not locked up in here with me; I'm locked up in here with him.

 

"Hey Mario. How have you been doing? I haven't heard anything from you in a while. I thought Bowser may have finally gotten you hahahaha." The bros laugh along with Yoshi since he is quite the joker. "Anyways, I am going to the party that Toadsworth has planned. I see you were invited too. (The Mushroom Kingdom Clock Strikes 7:00) Whoops! I am late, see you at the party Mario!"

 

Instead of putting in "hahahaha", put in "Yoshi then laughed" And don't put Parentheses. It's pointless!

 

Rather than pointing out the underlying problem that ZeroChill's work is and has been from the start a hideous pseudo-script, double_c4 merely waits until late in his review to point out one or two symptoms of that problem.

 

At this point, the remainder of the review could be written by George Orwell and the review as a whole would still be unbearably awful. Some things, once they're busted, they can't ever be fixed.

 

Mario and Luigi finally arrive at the Wharf where the party is being held. They see many beautiful lights hang around the ceiling like a Chain-Chomp wrapping itself around a Whomp. They see an artificial waterfall, cascading into a mystical fountain. The brothers suddenly became in awe, enrapturing themselves in the beauty of this party. Suddenly, they were approached by the Wario Bros. Wario and Waluigi were as nasty and inverted as ever. They are wearing their golden overalls this time along with their traditional shirts. However, they seem happy to see the Mario Brothers.

 

That's more like it! You described the background and how the characters reacted to it. That's going a step further in good story writing.

 

Indeed, this in-depth description is perfect in every way. And since, as far as double_c4 is concerned, a story's value is decided solely based on description of the background and inclusion of absurd recapping of things anyone actually interested in reading the story would already know, there's really nothing else that could possibly be criticized here.

 

I'm very disappointed in you, double_c4.

 

"Welcome Mario and Luigi. Normally, I would be aggravated that you guys are even here, but since one of the most powerful people in the kingdom recognize me and Waluigi as hard-workers, I said to myself "How wonderful!", so I went here with Waluigi. Mark my words however, Mario. If you dare show off like you usually do, I will pulverize you! Got that?" "Yea! That goes for you too Luigi! I don't want you to upstage me like you did at tennis." The Wario Bros. go off and party. Mario and Luigi went to hit the bar, hoping to get some spaghetti.

 

o_O Okay. Not what I expected to see, but fine by me.

 

You didn't expect the Wario Bros to do some trash-talking before going off to eat and party? And, on top of that, there was nothing else you could think of to say beyond flaunting your cluelessness once again? Apparently, this section of the story was perfect. In every way. There was nothing to criticize there. Except it was also unspeakably awful, since there was nothing to compliment.

 

Bear in mind that we were promised "Comedy through and through" at the start of this review. So far, we've had exactly one joke: the mushrooms = drugs joke that we all know was so hilarious. Meanwhile, I'm trying to hold back my tears enough to laugh at this mess. Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.

 

Toadsworth suddenly comes out of the wharf. He is as old and wise as usual. He grabs the mic and clears his throat.

 

So he's a real character? Hm. Didn't have a clue. Still didn't describe much. What is he wearing? How is he feeling? Does he have a limp? This is ridiculous!

 

"Who is this 'Luigi' guy? What's he look like? Does he have a 'stache? What colour are his clothes? Is he currently suffering from an epileptic seizure? How am I supposed to know any of this!?"

 

"Attention! Everyone is here at the party? Jolly Good and all that. I want to let you know that the Surprise will be here now. Everyone just stand in the center near the water fountain with the waterfall". Everyone did what Toadsworth said. They all stood near the waterfall, where.....IT'S A TRAP!! All of the party-goers get caged and the fountain started to turn into a wormhole.

 

"And the Wormhole sucked in all of the clothes of the guests, leaving them naked and hiding anything that shouldn't be seen by our younger viewers.

 

PHAAA HA HA HA! Oh, God, I'm sorry, that isn't funny, Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Except, no, seriously, it isn't even remotely funny.

 

That's two jokes so far: LOLDRUGZ and LOLNAKEDPEEPLZ. Neither was relevant. Neither was funny. In fact, both are even less funny than my incessant quoting. Hey... I never said it was a good joke! I'm just playing along with the gag...

 

"Fools! You all fell for it! You are all idiots! Why would I invite the most powerful Warriors, Fairies, Reptile, Beast and Dinosaurs in the kingdom to a banquet?" Toadsworth reveals who he truly is. He takes his hand over his face and pulls it off like it was some kind of mask. Revealed behind it is an outsider of some kind. He wields a duel disk and is sporting a white shroud. Everyone starts to get worried and mumble. Peach, horrified to find this impostor, becomes indignant.

 

And now I have mixed feelings about this. Why WOULD he invite the most powerful warriors, fairies, reptiles, beasts and dinosaurs in the Mushroom Kingdom to a banquet? I guess I'll need to wait.

 

You couldn't figure out that he might perhaps have done it because the impostor could just possibly be slightly evil and Up To Something, especially since he's shouting about people falling for something? Well, that is a pretty difficult leap of logic for a first-grader to make. We don't want to get too reckless and go diving headfirst into things!

 

"What did you do with Toadsworth!?!? I demand to find the answer!!!" "Ahh, patience my princess. Allow me to introduce myself first. I am Tarvisk, an agent working for Yliaster. I came here in search of powerful monsters to turn into cards. To my surprise, I found out it was none other than the stars of the Mushroom Kingdom!". While everyone worries about what is happening, Bowser starts to become irritated. "Just what right do you have to trap us all in here like this? I thought I did this back at my castle where I made everyone turn small. But you are going to take all of us and turn us into cards?" Tarvisk responds with a maniacal laugh. "That is what I precisely aim to do!"

 

"Now if you don't mind, but step into the wormhole." That's what he's basically saying!

 

Um, no. He never said that. At all. Not to mention that, in case you forgot from the very last paragraph, he brought an army of warriors, fairies, reptiles, beasts, and dinosaurs with him; even if he were to ask, it wouldn't be a casual request.

 

At the moment he said that, Bowser went into such a rage and blasted his hands through the cage. With everyone gaining spirit, they began to glow with a strange red aura.

 

"Gaining Spirit"? Where did the aura come from? How are they gaining spirit? EXPLAIN!!!

 

I would guess that "gaining spirit" means they're getting more spirited. As for the aura... you strike me as the sort of person who looks at the first page of a mystery novel and becomes enraged that it doesn't say who the killer is.

 

"Hm, it seems as though Placido was right. They do carry the power of the Crimson Dragon here."

 

How? You either explain or I'll stop this early and set off the bomb!

 

You just got your explanation for the thing that you whined about being unexplained one sentence ago. Maybe you should stop throwing a tantrum every time an encyclopedia of exposition isn't dropped on your head whenever something vaguely interesting happens. And what sort of explanation are you expecting? It's the magic all-powerful Crimson Dragon of Deus Ex Machina; why shouldn't its power be available? Nothing is hopeless... Not while there's life. Except for this review.

 

"I guess I will turn you all into cards, even if I have to force you to!". The moment he said that, he summoned a monster from his Deck Holder. He brought out his Dark Avenger (Level 8/DARK/Fiend/2800 ATK/2600 DEF). It was to realistic to have been summoned from a card.

 

Explain, please! I can understand that Yliaster might be able to turn monster cards real, but this is ridiculous! Who is Yliaster?

 

I'm told he's a canon character from 5D's, which means that you've now whined about the author not explaining to you who the characters are from either series on which this fanfic is based. Why don't you start your next review on Chapter 5 of a story and complain that you don't know what happened in the first four chapters? And if you can understand that Yliaster might be able to turn monster cards real, why is it so ridiculous for him to turn monster cards real?

 

I give up. You suck hopelessly. I can't help you at this point. No one can help you. You're too unspeakably awful at everything related to reviewing. Don't you see the futility of asking me to save a review series that I no longer have any care for?

 

The gang thought they couldn't beat that monster. At this panic, the aura came to give Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Yoshi, Birdo, and Bowser power beyond anything they have experienced. Mario's Firebrand and Luigi's Thunderhand went to the extent of power that the bros believed. Peach's healing ability went to the extent of restoring the land-front that was ruined through pollution. Daisy's Power of Nature increased to have summoned huge plants in the area. The land Wario was standing on became golden, while Waluigi gained the ability to move objects at will. Donkey Kong's was moving the earth where he is standing on, actually caused a fissure when he slammed into the earth. Bowser felt so powerful, his claws grew 2x their average size and his flames became infernos.

 

How is the Crimson Dragon able to do this? Why is he doing this? Why did they choose THEM? I got one word for you...

 

EXPLAIN!!!!!

 

Phew, that's better, but anyway, if you don't explain how this is happening, I'll neg rep you!

 

Indeed, how is the super-god-dragon with magical powers able to do magic stuff? Why would he want to oppose Yliaster, the villian with whom I think he's at war or something in the canon? Why would he choose the most powerful beings in the Marioverse to grant his power to? All of this is so incomprehensibly complex and confusing! I can't figure it out!

 

I seriously doubt you've ever read a book in your life. You would be too bamboozled when you looked at the cover and saw its title and couldn't understand what its title meant to continue. Not to mention that there's just no way that anyone who has ever read anything in their entire life could possibly react like this.

 

I love the neg rep comment. You're real cool, bro. Cool people care about reps. And you're totally in a position to criticize other people.

 

"This power, yes! This is exactly what I was hoping for!! Now Dark Avenger, send them into the wormhole!" Dark Avenger lunged at the gang with such speed, and used Dark Gale Force to send them all into the wormhole. "With the power of the Crimson Dragon inside our cards, Yliaster will become unstoppable!"

 

I can understand that you're just building up suspense, but you're building up so rarely and so slowly, that it's annoying.

 

This is slow? In five paragraphs or something similarly short, a party was interrupted by the host turning out to be a villain from another dimension trying to cardify everyone, all the heroes gained Crimson superpowers, a big battle ensured, and the villain embarked on his plan to capture everyone. This is slow!? What are you, six? Do you have ADD or ADHD or something?

 

I'm waiting for something sensible here. Waiting for a flash of enlightenment in all this blood and thunder. And this is all I get.

 

The gang panicked inside of the wormhole. They thought of their fates as cards working for Yliaster. The Crimson Dragon, however, swooped into the hole and created a portal and spoke of an ancient prophecy.

 

How did the Crimson Dragon "swoop into" the wormhole? And your overuse of the word "and" is making me like this less.

 

I would guess he swooped into the wormhole by... um... swooping. Into it. These are things called "English words". You might find it useful to familiarize yourself with them.

 

"You are all destined to save two universes, each in peril of destruction. You Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Wario, Waluigi, Donkey Kong, and Bowser, are chosen to bear my power. I can, however, only save 2 people as my power is limited in other dimensions. However, do not lose hope! I have given my marks to those of a different dimension. You, Mario and Luigi, have to meet those who bear my mark. These are called the signers of the Crimson Dragon. I sense that you 2 are the most heroic in the group of my chosen ones here. Everyone else here will be a challenge for you to overcome, as they will defeat their own masters."

 

Well, that explained a lot. Really, it did. This is getting better. Almost there!

 

This is actually an epic satire of bad reviews. double_c4 perfectly understood how to write competently and just choose to create this whiny, impatient, obsessive, idiotic mess instead. He saw the true face of YCM and chose to become a reflection, a parody of it. No one else saw the joke, that's why everyone thinks he sucks.

 

Or maybe he just sucks.

 

With these last words, the Crimson Dragon Vanished. Mario and Luigi fell through a portal, while the others remained in the wormhole. The trip through the portal has wore out Mario and Luigi as they collapsed, falling into the square of New Domino City.

 

WHAT?!? You mean to tell me that I went through an entire gay ass piece of crap of a story that had nearly no explanation whatsoever, and little descriptions on appearance, background, and location, now you decide that the story of Yu-Gi-Oh 5d's should only be about Mario and Luigi!?!

 

It was made clear in the exposition paragraph that Mario and Luigi were going to be the chosen heroes, at least for now. I thought being able to read was a prerequisite for writing reviews; my mistake. I also really don't see why Mario and Luigi being the primary protagonists of a Mario fanfic should be such a problem, but then again, I'm one of those sane people who goes into Mario fanfics and then isn't surprised when Mario characters appear in them.

 

Oh, and of course the rehashed whines about how it wasn't explained who Toadsworth was and such are as stupid now as they were originally.

 

F**K YOU!!!

 

May I take this opportunity to point out that the colour being used is #9400D3? How exactly does one come up with a colour that specific? When I wanted purple text for Anten, I just used the default "purple".

 

Yeah, double_c4, you show that rookie what he gets for making you read about Mario in a Mario fanfic.

 

Self-Destruct Sequence in T-Minus 3...

 

2...

 

1...

 

BOOM!!!!

 

And, just as planned, that explosion blew up double_c4's review instead, and double_c4 along with it. Nothing of value was lost. After all, a live body and a dead body contain the same number of particles. Structurally, there's no discernible difference. Life and death are unquantifiable abstracts. Why should I be concerned?

 

Of course, I had to move the bomb to double_c4's own topic. After all, an intractable problem can only be resolved by stepping beyond conventional solutions, and no problem is less tractable than the awfulness of this pathetic excuse for a review. I don't feel any guilt over it. The morality of my activities escapes me.

 

I'm assuming that this last section is directed by double_c4 at his own review in a fit of self-awareness:

 

I cannot believe what's been done. Overall, this sucks, even though there are a few things I liked, it sucked more ass than anything I have ever read. Bottom line, you need to do a lot better than this!

 

2.5/10

 

I give the Ultimate EPIC FAIL Award for how bad this is.

 

The "Ultimate EPIC FAIL Award"? I hope I don't sound half as lame as this when I write my reviews. In fact, in general I hope I don't suck half as much as double_c4 does when I write my reviews. Still, at least we've reached the end-

 

Any comments are highly welcome. More reviews coming soon.

 

Of course. Nothing ends, Salty. Nothing ever ends.

 

This monstrosity was actually worse than Pichu's attempt at a review. Yes, Pichu plagiarized and just filled the commentary with random unfunny off-topic nonsense (his inner comedian was dead), but that was still better than this moaning about how the Mario/5D's fanfic didn't accommodate people who had never played a Mario game before and who had never seen 5D's. That's right, double_c4 - you suck even more than Pichu. I didn't even know it was possible to write that badly.

 

But at least I can go now. I leave the human cockroaches to discuss their Parakoopas and explanations. I have business elsewhere, with a better class of person.

 

In the end, I'd like to say that this abomination wasn't able to harm me. That I was able to withstand it. I have walked across the surface of the moderator's forum. I have witnessed posts so tiny and so quickly deleted they can hardly be said to have been made at all. But you, double_c4, you're just a reviewer. The world's worst reviewer poses no more threat to me than does its worst termite.

 

That's what I'd like to say. But in truth, the sheer trauma of how awful in every respect this hideous piece of garbage was shook me to the core and made me the crabby person I am today. Shock of horrible ran along my brain. Jet of terrible spattered on head, like hot faucet. It was Salty who said "THIS IS AWFUL" then, muffled through cyberspace. It was Salty who closed his eyes. It was Crab who opened them again.

 

 

Who reviews the reviewers?

 

 

 

Apparently, he responded to the last reviewer by flaming him because his reviews are not perfect, which somehow puts him above all criticism. It's bad enough when a normal writer says that; it's insane when someone writing reviews says that.

[ThunderousSonar]

LOL, Crab Helmet great job, you rip on people in a way that is comedic.

[Womi]

Good Foe Fic.

Quote this post.

[radio414]

Crab: C4, I'm not buying this review stuff. I mean, when exactly were you planning to post it?

C4: Post it? Crab, I'm not a republic serial writer. Did you honestly think I would review this piece of sh- if there was the slightest chance of me not knowing anything about either topic in said sh-?

 

I posted it 35 minutes ago.

 

 

References for things like Watchmen are what make me coming back after each review.

[Pichu]

i have just three little letters, Crab. L-O-L!!!!!!

[Toffee.]

Uh' date=' they got the letters when Parakarry delivered them, as was explicitly stated earlier.[/quote']

My guess, Crab, is that even though the Paper Mario series doesnt let you skip the cutscenes, he someone managed to skip them.

 

Even though they are part of the game/plot >__>

[Headmaster Monokuma]

Great review of the review Crab.

 

Hell, I don't even know what a Parakoopa is either.

 

Is that going to haunt you?

[Dr. Cakey]

i have just three little letters' date=' Crab. [b']L[/b]-O-L!!!!!!

 

It's back!

 

Phew, I'm glad I read Watchmen this year, otherwise I would have been swallowed up by this review. By the way, I think it may be time to try side characters again. Might I suggest...C4?

[bury the year]

That was absolute poetry. O:

[Lonk]

I love how you emphasized

"Hell, I don't even know what a Parakoopa is either."

Made me laugh hard.

[Kōsuke Ueki]

ENOUGH!!!!!

 

You made a fool of me for the last time, Crab! It was meant to be funny on its own! Not when some jackass treats me like I have a disorder!

 

Because of you, you made me sound like I'm back at the bottom when I first came here. I'm not going back that way ever again! So long as you stay away from Territory Thread and never post there AGAIN!!!

 

And I didn't post it 35 minutes ago. You're a d**khead for calling it that. This was my first time that I did this, so don't think of it as the worst thing you've ever seen in your life! I've seen worse! Oh, I bet you, I've seen worse reviews, so don't go hating on me if you don't know me! You feel me!?!

 

I got something to say to all who wish to rant my review...

 

KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELVES!!!!!

[Kōsuke Ueki]

ENOUGH!!!!!

 

You made a fool of me for the last time, Crab! It was meant to be funny on its own! Not when some jackass treats me like I have a disorder!

 

Because of you, you made me sound like I'm back at the bottom when I first came here. I'm not going back that way ever again! So long as you stay away from Territory Thread and never post there AGAIN!!!

 

And I didn't post it 35 minutes ago. You're a d**khead for calling it that. This was my first time that I did this, so don't think of it as the worst thing you've ever seen in your life! I've seen worse! Oh, I bet you, I've seen worse reviews, so don't go hating on me if you don't know me! You feel me!?!

 

I got something to say to all who wish to rant my review...

 

KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELVES!!!!!

[Synchronized]

ENOUGH!!!!!

 

You made a fool of me for the last time' date=' Crab! It was meant to be funny on its own! [b']Not when some jackass treats me like I have a disorder![/b]

 

Because of you, you made me sound like I'm back at the bottom when I first came here. I'm not going back that way ever again! So long as you stay away from Territory Thread and never post there AGAIN!!!

 

And I didn't post it 35 minutes ago. You're a d**khead for calling it that. This was my first time that I did this, so don't think of it as the worst thing you've ever seen in your life! I've seen worse! Oh, I bet you, I've seen worse reviews, so don't go hating on me if you don't know me! You feel me!?!

 

I got something to say to all who wish to rant my review...

 

KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELVES!!!!!

 

Not that this is my thread, but really, you should probably cool down a bit, no? He probably criticized your review because it wasn't good, not for the sake of being funny. (Well, perhaps a bit of both, no?) He criticized (heavily) one of my Fan-Fics, and I didn't whine about it, I took the advice and did what I could to improve.

 

I think you're taking the whole thing a bit too seriously, though.

[Synchronized]

ENOUGH!!!!!

 

You made a fool of me for the last time' date=' Crab! It was meant to be funny on its own! [b']Not when some jackass treats me like I have a disorder![/b]

 

Because of you, you made me sound like I'm back at the bottom when I first came here. I'm not going back that way ever again! So long as you stay away from Territory Thread and never post there AGAIN!!!

 

And I didn't post it 35 minutes ago. You're a d**khead for calling it that. This was my first time that I did this, so don't think of it as the worst thing you've ever seen in your life! I've seen worse! Oh, I bet you, I've seen worse reviews, so don't go hating on me if you don't know me! You feel me!?!

 

I got something to say to all who wish to rant my review...

 

KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELVES!!!!!

 

Not that this is my thread, but really, you should probably cool down a bit, no? He probably criticized your review because it wasn't good, not for the sake of being funny. (Well, perhaps a bit of both, no?) He criticized (heavily) one of my Fan-Fics, and I didn't whine about it, I took the advice and did what I could to improve.

 

I think you're taking the whole thing a bit too seriously, though.

[Kingdom Xathers]

 

Not that this is my thread' date=' but really, you should probably cool down a bit, no? He probably criticized your review because it wasn't good, not for the sake of being funny. (Well, perhaps a bit of both, no?) He criticized (heavily) one of my Fan-Fics, and I didn't whine about it, I took the advice and did what I could to improve.

 

I think you're taking the whole thing a bit too seriously, though.

[/quote']

 

Agreeing with Star. Not all criticism is nice, but all criticism should be considered. It makes us better, regardless of what degree the criticism is.

 

No need to give others the third-degree.

[Kingdom Xathers]

 

Not that this is my thread' date=' but really, you should probably cool down a bit, no? He probably criticized your review because it wasn't good, not for the sake of being funny. (Well, perhaps a bit of both, no?) He criticized (heavily) one of my Fan-Fics, and I didn't whine about it, I took the advice and did what I could to improve.

 

I think you're taking the whole thing a bit too seriously, though.

[/quote']

 

Agreeing with Star. Not all criticism is nice, but all criticism should be considered. It makes us better, regardless of what degree the criticism is.

 

No need to give others the third-degree.

[The Sacred Ninja]

ENOUGH!!!!!

 

Oh snap. Big' date=' bold letters! This guy is serious!!![/u']

 

You made a fool of me for the last time, Crab!

 

First time = Last Time? Plus, from the way you're responding, Crab hardly had to do much, if any.

 

It was meant to be funny on its own!

 

Sadly, we all can't be funny. Just ask Carlos Mencia

 

Not when some jackass treats me like I have a disorder!

 

If you quit your constant RAEG, maybe such things wouldn't happen.

 

Because of you, you made me sound like I'm back at the bottom when I first came here. I'm not going back that way ever again! So long as you stay away from Territory Thread and never post there AGAIN!!!

 

All caps again. He must be SERIOUS!!!

 

And I didn't post it 35 minutes ago. You're a d**khead for calling it that.

 

Look who's talking.

 

This was my first time that I did this, so don't think of it as the worst thing you've ever seen in your life! I've seen worse!

 

Like looking into a mirror, wasn't it?

 

Oh, I bet you, I've seen worse reviews, so don't go hating on me if you don't know me! You feel me!?!

 

No. I'd rather not "feel you".

 

I got something to say to all who wish to rant my review...

 

Uh-oh. Here it comes...

 

KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELVES!!!!!

 

ALL CAPS AND MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS DO NOT MAKE YOU "ALL BIG AND SERIOUS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Any comments are highly welcome.

 

You've also proven yourself to be hypocritical.

[The Sacred Ninja]

ENOUGH!!!!!

 

Oh snap. Big' date=' bold letters! This guy is serious!!![/u']

 

You made a fool of me for the last time, Crab!

 

First time = Last Time? Plus, from the way you're responding, Crab hardly had to do much, if any.

 

It was meant to be funny on its own!

 

Sadly, we all can't be funny. Just ask Carlos Mencia

 

Not when some jackass treats me like I have a disorder!

 

If you quit your constant RAEG, maybe such things wouldn't happen.

 

Because of you, you made me sound like I'm back at the bottom when I first came here. I'm not going back that way ever again! So long as you stay away from Territory Thread and never post there AGAIN!!!

 

All caps again. He must be SERIOUS!!!

 

And I didn't post it 35 minutes ago. You're a d**khead for calling it that.

 

Look who's talking.

 

This was my first time that I did this, so don't think of it as the worst thing you've ever seen in your life! I've seen worse!

 

Like looking into a mirror, wasn't it?

 

Oh, I bet you, I've seen worse reviews, so don't go hating on me if you don't know me! You feel me!?!

 

No. I'd rather not "feel you".

 

I got something to say to all who wish to rant my review...

 

Uh-oh. Here it comes...

 

KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELVES!!!!!

 

ALL CAPS AND MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS DO NOT MAKE YOU "ALL BIG AND SERIOUS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Any comments are highly welcome.

 

You've also proven yourself to be hypocritical.

[CrabHelmet]

ENOUGH!!!!!

 

And with that one word shouted in absurdly large letters' date=' this topic became a Phoenix Wright game.

 

You made a fool of me for the last time, Crab!

 

I'm pretty sure that phrase is restricted for Lex Luthor to use while cursing out Superman.

 

It was meant to be funny on its own! Not when some jackass treats me like I have a disorder!

 

OBJECTION!

 

In his previous testimony in the other topic' date=' the witness claimed to be borderline autistic. Here, however, the witness complains about being treated as if he has a disorder! This is contradictory!

 

Because of you, you made me sound like I'm back at the bottom when I first came here. I'm not going back that way ever again!

 

Don't tell me you actually think you have some sort of status here.

 

So long as you stay away from Territory Thread and never post there AGAIN!!!

 

I just posted there.

 

 

And I didn't post it 35 minutes ago. You're a d**khead for calling it that.

 

Well' date=' obviously you didn't do it thirty-five minutes ago. After that YOU'VE MADE A FOOL OF ME FOR THE LAST TIME line of yours, it's pretty clear that you actually are a comic book villain.

 

This was my first time that I did this, so don't think of it as the worst thing you've ever seen in your life!

 

Anything that is not the worst thing in the world cannot be criticized. For example, this review was not Hitler, and since Hitler was worse than it, it obviously can't be criticized, right?

 

I've seen worse! Oh' date=' I bet you, I've seen worse reviews,

[/quote']

 

And then you mistook them for instruction manuals?

 

so don't go hating on me if you don't know me! You feel me!?!

 

HOLD IT!

 

I don't need to know you. I know your review perfectly' date=' since that was posted in full, and all I was criticizing was the review.

 

I got something to say to all who wish to rant my review...

 

KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELVES!!!!!

 

Ladies and gentlemen, may I remind you that this guy considers himself a reviewer, but is against the concept of reviews?

[CrabHelmet]

ENOUGH!!!!!

 

And with that one word shouted in absurdly large letters' date=' this topic became a Phoenix Wright game.

 

You made a fool of me for the last time, Crab!

 

I'm pretty sure that phrase is restricted for Lex Luthor to use while cursing out Superman.

 

It was meant to be funny on its own! Not when some jackass treats me like I have a disorder!

 

OBJECTION!

 

In his previous testimony in the other topic' date=' the witness claimed to be borderline autistic. Here, however, the witness complains about being treated as if he has a disorder! This is contradictory!

 

Because of you, you made me sound like I'm back at the bottom when I first came here. I'm not going back that way ever again!

 

Don't tell me you actually think you have some sort of status here.

 

So long as you stay away from Territory Thread and never post there AGAIN!!!

 

I just posted there.

 

 

And I didn't post it 35 minutes ago. You're a d**khead for calling it that.

 

Well' date=' obviously you didn't do it thirty-five minutes ago. After that YOU'VE MADE A FOOL OF ME FOR THE LAST TIME line of yours, it's pretty clear that you actually are a comic book villain.

 

This was my first time that I did this, so don't think of it as the worst thing you've ever seen in your life!

 

Anything that is not the worst thing in the world cannot be criticized. For example, this review was not Hitler, and since Hitler was worse than it, it obviously can't be criticized, right?

 

I've seen worse! Oh' date=' I bet you, I've seen worse reviews,

[/quote']

 

And then you mistook them for instruction manuals?

 

so don't go hating on me if you don't know me! You feel me!?!

 

HOLD IT!

 

I don't need to know you. I know your review perfectly' date=' since that was posted in full, and all I was criticizing was the review.

 

I got something to say to all who wish to rant my review...

 

KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELVES!!!!!

 

Ladies and gentlemen, may I remind you that this guy considers himself a reviewer, but is against the concept of reviews?

[Dark]

I do apologize for not keeping up with this thread. I was here for the first few reviews, and my activeness in the Fan-Fic forum sort of dwindled. I see that you have many more reviews, and I am absolutely sure I will get some lol's out of most of them.

 

However, and I do apologize, your reviews aren't the funny part about this entire incident. No, the funny part is the people such as double_c4 and Pichu (not sure about the latter, tbqh) BAWW about you giving criticism for their Fan-Fics. It really turned into another wonderful act of YCMDrama, which I've been longing for. Crab, from the bottom chamber of my heart, I thank you for making this thread. I also want to extend thanks to double_c4 and Pichu for making this entire thread a big lulz-fest.

 

I promise that over the duration of my summer vacation that I will read each and every one of your reviews. That is a promise I made and absolutely will keep. Keep up the good work, Salty.

[Dark]

I do apologize for not keeping up with this thread. I was here for the first few reviews, and my activeness in the Fan-Fic forum sort of dwindled. I see that you have many more reviews, and I am absolutely sure I will get some lol's out of most of them.

 

However, and I do apologize, your reviews aren't the funny part about this entire incident. No, the funny part is the people such as double_c4 and Pichu (not sure about the latter, tbqh) BAWW about you giving criticism for their Fan-Fics. It really turned into another wonderful act of YCMDrama, which I've been longing for. Crab, from the bottom chamber of my heart, I thank you for making this thread. I also want to extend thanks to double_c4 and Pichu for making this entire thread a big lulz-fest.

 

I promise that over the duration of my summer vacation that I will read each and every one of your reviews. That is a promise I made and absolutely will keep. Keep up the good work, Salty.