Green With Envy: Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction! {Rise of the Dragon Lords}

[Guest]

You may know that five thousand years ago, mystical games were played in Egypt. But you may not know that those games actually originated ninety-five billion years ago in what is now Burma, where a tribe called the Peoples Ancientos lived. They were a peaceful state built upon art and culture, inventing all manner of artistic and entertaining media - including card games. Their ruler, the kind and benevolent Queen Whiny von Nitpick, ensured the quality of their culture by criticizing those works that did not measure up to standard, and by having any dissenters executed or brainwashed to ensure that the golden age of peace and prosperity would last for all eternity.

 

Unfortunately, even such a glorious reign could not last forever, as a villain known as Darkemperor Sinisterdoom unleashed dark magical monsters upon the world that destroyed the entire civilization, burying the Peoples Ancientos too deep in history to ever be discovered. And as a result, terrible stories were permitted to rule the internet. And these foes must be stopped.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a YCM account, must be in want of actual writing ability. Thus we have a forum here full of user-created stories that are perhaps not on par with the writings of Jane Austen. However, while none of the stories here are exactly literary masterpieces, some fall short of rather more modest marks, failing to be readable, imaginative, interesting, or to have even the smallest of redeeming qualities.

 

Naturally, I, being Crab Helmet, believe that any problem can be solved by insulting everything and everyone in a mildly humorous manner. And so I bring you a reading with my commentary of that subset of fan fiction that serves as the arch-foe of all who have both eyes and fluency in the English language: Foe Fiction. This will not be pretty.

 

[spoiler=Season 1]The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

There Can Only Be 1 - {Duel Academy 2010}

The New Number 2 - {Kingdom Hearts 3 : Reconnect}

3rd Time Lucky - {Pokemon: Saving Private Ryan}

Breaking The 4th Wall - {Dimensional Collapse}

Babylon 5 - {Digimon: Hopeless Paradise}

You Are Number 6 - {Yugioh: New World Generation}

The Magnificent 7 - {Kingdom Hearts: A Forgotten Tale}

8 Days a Week - {Yu-Gi-Oh Duelist's Soul}

Revolution Number 9 - {Yu-Gi-Oh! Fallen Leaves}

10 Little Indians - {YuGiOh: Spirit of the Books}

The 11th Hour - {Yu-Gi-Oh!: Future Visions}

12 Angry Men - {The Forbidden Seal}

A Series of Unfortunate Events... - {Ann 10 : New Protector of Earth}

...and Chapter 14 - {Digimon restoration}

Four, Eight, 15, Sixteen, Twenty-Three, Forty-Two - {The Dark Side of His Heart}

Sweet 16 - {Heroes of the Elements}

Young And Sweet, Only 17 - {The duel}

Seventeen, 18, Maids in Waiting - {Ash's Proposal}

Hey 19 - {Spaceon, The new Eevee}

Zero! Zero! Zero! - {Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds}

XX ~ The Most Interesting Fanfic in the World ~ Dos Equis - {Yugioh: We Who Are About To Duel}

Blackjack - {Chaos Universe: The Unknown Past}

Catch-22 - {Naruto- Mission to the hidden whirlpool Village}

The 23 Enigma - {Ven 10}

4 And 20 Blackbirds - {Shattered Union; Rise Of The Regulants}

Silver Jubilee - {Halo: The Search for Master Chief}

Atari 26 Hundred - {Pichu Reviews When Worlds Collide}

 

[spoiler=Season 2]Once upon a time, a man named Theodore Sturgeon observed that ninety percent of everything is trash. Nowhere is this more evident than in the world of Fan Fiction, where the majority of works are garbage, riddled with endless clichés, plot holes, and character derailments and totally lacking in any redeeming qualities.

 

The remaining ten percent, however, is to die for, and occasionally there arises a tale that transcends the standard fare. These masterpieces rival or even surpass the original work itself in terms of quality. They feature original, clever, epic plots, with rounded and dynamic characters populating a well-developed world. The dialogue is realistic and enjoyable to read; when exposition is necessary, it is introduced at a sensible pace and keeps the reader immersed; the characters remain sensibly true to their canon characterizations and are not forced to act like idiots to develop the plot; and the overall experience is something that leaves the reader feeling simultaneously satisfied and hungry for more. And it goes without saying that these brilliant works are heavily proofread to ensure the eradication of any errors.

 

This is not one of those stories.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

The 27 Club - {The Golios Legacy}

28 Days Later - {Yugioh: England Academy}

Star Wars Episode XXIX: A Noob Hope - {Super Mario Galaxy}

Never Trust Anyone Over 30 - {Yu-Gi-Oh GX - The Ace Chronicles}

31 Ice Cream Flavours - {Yu-Gi-Oh! Zero Chance}

The Chamber Of 32 Doors - {Monochrome Skies}

Start The Clock, Mr. Gaeta - {Yu-Gi-Oh! T9}

Miracle On 34th Street - {The Time and Place}

I Did It 35 Minutes Ago - {C-4 Bomb Scan}

The 36 Stratagems - {Yugioh O5D'S}

I'm 37, I'm Not Old - {Yugioh! Hidden Legacy - Next Generation}

The 38th Parallel - {Naruto: Rise of the Red Moon}

In The Land That Our Grandchildren Knew - {The Legend of Zelda: Blade of Dimensions}

Foe Fiction #53: Herbie The Love Fanfic - {Pokemon the Crazeist Vacation Ever}

 

[spoiler=Season A]Once upon a time, a military project was initiated to create a network of computers for the sharing of information. The project proved so successful that it spread beyond the military into the civilian world, until eventually it became fundamental to all aspects of society. There were those who feared that it would destroy the world by becoming infected with some sort of artificial intelligence, but the true outcome was far worse: it became infected by natural stupidity.

 

With terrible fanfiction now free to expand beyond obscure fanzines to be seen by the whole world and every ten-year-old with a keyboard capable of posting a story, terrible fanfics have spread wide and grown in number. These horrible monstrosities conceal the rare brilliant fanfics while destroying the brains of all who read them. Such awful stories must be opposed. They are our opponents. They are our enemies. They are our foes.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

I Hate Mondays - {Yu-Gi-Oh! GX: The Next Generation!}

Tuesday Morning I Feel Better - {Yugioh 5d's - The Three Serpents}

Drowned Wednesday - {Mario & Luigi- Lost In Space}

The Man Who Was Thursday - {Yu-Gi-Oh War of the Wind!}

Gotta Get Down On Friday - {Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel of Destiny}

Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting - {Yu-Gi-Oh! Demanding Identity}

...The Lord Rested - {Yu-Gi-Oh! Final Matrix}

 

Season GX

 

The Wrath of Khan - {Yu-Gi-Oh! DFR: Book One, the Neo Duel Force}

Green With Envy - {B00k 1. Rise of the Dragon Kings}

 

They say suicide is not the answer. Gentlemen, I hereby present you my counterargument.

[Phantom Roxas]

Marvelous as always.

 

If you're taking requests, care to give such a commentary for my Digimon fic?

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-127859.html

[Dark]

Some stories are to die for; these will kill you.

 

Bahahahaha! :D

 

If I may make a suggestion, do a Fan-Fic with completely horrid grammar. You may want to kill yourself, but the lot of us will be laughing. <3

[Weather Report - Stand]

Tell everybody how horrible 'Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic' is! I'd LOVE to have it reviewed!!

[bury the year]

Tonegawa approves of this understanding that a true conversation can occur only through a card game.

 

...please have my babies.

[Dr. Cakey]

As RiffTrax and Unskippable have proven, some of the best comedy be made by giving incredulous and/or mocking commentary on somebody else's work. What do you know?

[Guest]

Foefic 4 is up, and it's not good. ^_^

 

[spoiler=There Can Only Be 1 - {Duel Academy 2010}]Our first subject will be Duel Academy 2010 by Blacklotis.

 

Let's begin with the title:

 

Chapter 1: Entering a new world

 

Already we see two aspects standing out: Genericness and poor capitalization. The former will be a constant throughout the fanfic; the latter will instead be transmuted into poor spelling (and will be so transmuted with great speeed).

 

“Today is the day, Grell. You finally get the chance to enroll in the top Dueling Academy in the Country. Sure you failed the exams last year, but this year you have some new tricks up your sleeve...” A young man says to himself as he runs at top speeed down the busiest street in New Domino City.

 

"Although," he continues, "It's a shame you haven't improved your memory to the point where you can function without describing your current situation and backstory to yourself to avoid forgetting all of it." Thus begins the tragic tale of Grell and his battle against crippling chronic amnesia.

 

He slides inbetween an unsuspecting couple. “I’m nearly late!” He hollers out loud as he slides to a stop and a pair of glass doors.

 

Grell is fine with jostling random bystanders out of the way, as his resentment toward the bizarre name with which his parents burdened him has caused him to develop hatred toward all of humanity. However, despite his self-proclaimed hurry, he cannot get past some doors, presumably because he has tragically forgotten how to actually open doors.

 

On the Glass doors is the Letters “KC” on it. The letters stood from Kaida Corp, the leading distibutor of high quality electronics as well as the largest indorser to the world wide card game, Yu-Gi-Oh.

 

Perceptive readers will note that the card game is now referred to in-universe as "Yu-Gi-Oh", and that the rich guy's name has been changed to "Kaida". This is because Grell lives in a parallel universe where everyone shouts their status loudly for all to hear at random intervals.

 

It is fitting that the entrance exams to Duel Academy would be here.

 

Indeed, how appropriate that the entrance exams to a school run by Kaiba Kaida-Corp centered around a card game produced by Kaida-Corp would take place at a building owned by Kaida-Corp. This is truly an elegance of the universe.

 

Two large security officers dressed in black stand infront of the man named Grell. A quick smile, wink and flash of his Dueling License and he runs passed the guards and pushes open a large, metal door.

 

Grell's first attempt to get past the guards failed because he forgot that merely smiling and winking had no chance of getting him through security, however bishonen his role as the show's protagonist might allow him to be. Fortunately, the guards took pity on the poor boy and reminded him that showing his pass would allow him to enter. They also showed him how to open a door.

 

Grell is taken aback by the sheer size of the multi-zone dueling arena.

 

Sure, he had seen it last year when he failed his exam, but that was long forgotten.

 

6 Duels seem to be going at a time. “Excuse me.” Grell looks to his left to see a young woman with long, blond hair standing next to him.

 

“Can I help you?” Grell asks politely with a slight smile on his face. He looks her up and down

 

Girl: "My eyes are up here!"

 

to see that she is wearing an Obelisk Blue outfit.

 

Grell's peripheral vision is as tragically limited as his memory.

 

“Have I seen you before? I never forget a face.” She asks curiously.

 

He had no memory. She had a perfect memory. And from this fusion of opposites, love began to bloom~

 

“You might have seen me here last year. I failed my duel. I think I stand a better chance this year.” Suddenly “Grell Ashton to Duel arena 6.” Can be heard over the intercom. “Wish me luck.”

 

Well, that was convenient timing.

 

“I’ll be watching. See you on the island if you make it.” A quick wave later and Grell runs toward the farthest Duel arena on the left. Standing on the far end of the Arena is an older man wearing a black outfit. He is wearing shaded glasses and has a Duel Disk on his arm.

 

“Howdy, partner. The name’s Spruce. I’ll be your test. If you can beat me in a Duel, you will be accepted into Duel Academy. If you fail... well better luck next time.

 

"Duel Academy may basically be an equivalent to high school, but we allow people to enter two years later than normal because we think that the time people would normally be graduating from high school is an excellent time to actually start high school. Especially gifted students who are chosen by rigorous tests to be the best of the best."

 

Well, Grell,

 

Audience: *applause*

 

Spruce: *bows*

 

your Duel Disk is on the table over there.” Grell listens to the man, transfixed on the Duel Disk. Grell shakes off the daydream

 

Due to his memory lapse, Grell forgot to actually describe his daydream to the reader. Either that, or his daydream was just "Duel disk! :D" and Grell has the lamest daydreams ever.

 

and nods at his opponent. He quickly walks to the table and slides on his duel disk. Once in his place, Grell activates his Disk.

 

“I may have lost this Duel last year, but not this time. Game on!”

 

Though one might think Grell mentions his defeat at every opportunity out of some sick sort of pride, the truth is that he won't even remember this was his second attempt unless he reminds himself out loud once every five minutes.

 

------------------------------------------

Grell: 4000 (6 Cards)

Spruce: 4000 (6 Cards)

 

“Draw!” Grell shouts.

 

Both have six cards before the first Draw Phase? I know the anime rules don't normally follow the real game's rules, but that's still the sort of difference I wouldn't expect to see after the Duelist Kingdom arc.

 

“First I activate the Continuous Spell card known as the “Illusion from the Mirage” and Summon to the Field “Mirage Soldier” in Attack mode!” A shimmering man with short black hair and silver armor appears infront of Grell.

 

Grell: "And because we're on a Desert terrain, my Mirage Soldier gets a 30% Field Power Bonus!"

 

A wave of distortion begins next to “Mirage Soldier” and suddenly a transparent image of the Soldier appears. “Meet the Illusion Soldier. When a Mirage monster is Normal Summoned to the Field, I can Summon 1 using the Effect of my Spell. Now I have two Monsters on the Field with 1300 Attack. Lets see what you will do. I place 1 Card face down and end my turn.”

 

Grell: 4000 (4 Cards)

Spruce: 4000 (6 Cards)

 

Spruce chuckles. “If that all?

 

Spruce: "Seriously, you do know my Celtic Guardian can run over your monsters, right?"

 

I will Discard 1 card to Special Summon ‘The Tricky’ from my hand. I will now Normal Summon a warrior known as ‘Tune Warrior’!” A faceless clown dressed in black and white appears on the Field. Next to the Tricky, a robotic looking monster appears next to him. “That isn’t all. Since ‘Tune Warrior’ is a Tuner Monster, I can Synchro Summon ‘Colossal Fight’!”

 

Spruce, I'm fairly sure this Fight was a lot more Colossal before you reduced the number of monsters on the field with your Synchro Summon.

 

The robotic creature blasts into pieces and begins to spin around the Tricky as the Tricky begins to glow. The glowing grows brighter and when it dissapates, a large, white behemoth stands infront of Grell. Grell grits his teeth. “Since ‘Tune Warrior’ was a Warrior, ‘Colossal Fighter’ gains an additional 100 Atk. Now, ‘Colossal Fighter’ destroy that puny ‘Mirage Soldier’!” The giant charges toward the soldier but suddenly disappears. Spruce gasps

 

Spruce: "That's impossible! You mean your face-down card actually had an effect that did something!? In all my years of playing Duel Monsters, I have never seen a Spell or Trap Card with an actual effect!"

 

as his ‘Colossal Fighter’ shimmers into place where he once stood.

 

“It’s too bad for you that I activated a Trap card known as ‘Illusion Barrier’. This trap can be Activated as long as I have an “Illusion Soldier” on the Field. I can Negate your Attack and Draw a card for each ‘Illusion Soldier’ on the Field. I draw 1 card!”

 

“You still don’t stand a chance against my monster. I place 1 card Face Down and end my turn.” Grell smirks as he draws his next card.

 

Grell: 4000 (5 Cards)

Spruce: 4000 (3 Cards)

 

Shouldn't some dragons have shown up by now or something?

 

“First things first. I will Summon ‘Mirage Canonneer’ to the Field! That will allow me to Special Summon another “Illusion Soldier” to the Field and this one has 1800 Atk! And to top things off, I use Polymerization! By fusing ‘Mirage Soldier’ on the Field and ‘Mirage Blacksmith’ from my hand, I create ‘Mirage Champion’!” A large man with long, blonde hair appears on top of an armored horse. “My champion gains 100 Atk for each “Mirage” Monster on the Field and in my Graveyard. That brings his attack up to 2800! I will activate his effect and Discard 1 card. Now it’s your ‘Colossal Fighter’ thats going to the Graveyard! “

 

“WHAT?!” Spruce’s face suddenly goes white as he realizes he’s defenseless. “But that means...”

 

“That’s right, you made a big error. Since you let your guard down, I’m going to take you down.

 

Grell: "Your mistake was thinking that you were defended just because you had a monster and a spell or trap. A true duelist knows that mere monsters, spells, and traps are a terrible defense!"

 

‘Mirage Champion’ Attack his life points directly!” The steed charges at his vulnerable target and hits its mark. Spruce laughs as the dirt settles.

 

“You may have gotten rid of my monster, but you didn’t get rid of me because I activated my ‘Draining Shield’ Trap card. I gain 2800 Life Points.” Spruce smirks happily at his well sprung trap.

 

“Thats okay buddy. You can gain as much as you want, because I still have monsters that can attack you Directly. Go ‘Mirage Cannoneer’ ... “Illusion Soldier’s wage war!” Grell yells as his three Monsters run in for Direct Attacks totaling 4900. “Now I place 1 card face down and end my turn.

Grell: 4000 (1 Card)

Spruce: 1900 (2 Cards)

 

Spruce: "Wait, why am I down to two cards now when I had three at the start of Grell's turn? I didn't discard any, did I?"

 

Blacklotis: "I lost count."

 

Grell: "And why do I still have one card left? I started with five, summoned one, used two for a Fusion Summon, discarded one for an effect, and set one, all without drawing anyth-"

 

Blacklotis: "Shut up, you're an amnesiac, you shouldn't even remember last turn."

 

Spruce draws his card and smiles. “I’m sorry to tell you this, Grell, but I think you might have to come back next year. I activate ‘Smashing Ground’!” Suddenly clouds gather over ‘Mirage Champion’ A gigantic palm slams down on the monster, destroying it.

 

That's what Smashing Ground looks like? A palm slapping a monster? I always thought it involved smashing the, uh, ground.

 

“And now, Gorz will attack your ‘Mirage Canonneer’. It’s over, Grell.”

 

“Are you forgetting something?”

 

Spruce: "Like what?"

 

Grell: "Like actually summoning Gorz? You never actually did that."

 

Spruce’s eyes grow wide once he realizes the face down card. “I activate ‘Illusion Attack!’. With this card I will send 1 ‘Mirage’ Monster from my Deck to the Graveyard and Destroy all of my ‘Illusion Soldier’ Tokens. Thanks for the help guys.” Suddenly the two ‘Illusion Soldier’s that were on the Field shatter to pieces. A shimmering image of ‘Mirage Canonneer’ appears suddenly and flashes toward Spruce before Gorz has a chance to land an attack. “I might want to tell you what is happening. Since I sent that ‘Mirage’ Monster to my Graveyard I can deal damage to you equal to the monster’s Attack. Now ‘Mirage Canonneer’, give him a close taste to defeat!” The shimmering image slashes threw Spruce as he falls to 1 knee. “I also get to draw 2 cards from my deck because I had 2 “Illusion Soldier”s on the Field when I activated it.”

 

Spruce gets up with a smile.

 

“Clever child but I think its my turn now. Gorz continue waging war.”

 

Spruce: "So, since your Trap didn't actually block my attack, I'm guessing you're the one who forgot something."

 

And thus Grell's amnesia became common knowledge.

 

Gorz jumps into the air, weapon over his head and slams down on ‘Mirage Canoneer’ with great might. Canonneer shatters to pieces as Grell takes the remaining damage. “Now my emissary Attack Grell Directly.” A skinnier version of Gorz steps forward with a large blade in hand. He leaps forward and slashes at the gut of Grell. Grell steps back from the hologram stunned.

 

Apparently Gorz had generated its token at some point?

 

Grell: 200 (3 Cards)

Spruce: 100 (3 Cards)

 

Spruce started this turn with one card and never drew any, so why does he- screw this, I give up counting cards.

 

“You will never beat me, Grell. It looks like this is as far as it goes. My monsters are way to strong for you to make a comeback.” Spruce says with confidence.

 

Grell has demonstrated the ability to inflict effect damage and Spruce is down to 100 Life Points. His confidence here proves what astute readers will have guessed as soon as he said "Howdy": Spruce is a colossal moron.

 

Grell draws his card and then smiles. “Never count me out untill you have taken all of my Life Points. I activate the Spell card

 

pleaseletitbesparkspleaseletitbesparkspleaseletitbesparks

 

‘Reincarnating Illusion’.

 

aw

 

With this card I can search my Deck for one ‘Mirage’ Monster who is also in my Graveyard and put it in my Hand. This comes at a cost, though. I pay half of my Life Points to use the card. Now come forth ‘Mirage Canonneer’!” Suddenly the shimmering glow of the Canoneer appears on the Field. “Because of my ‘Illusion from the Mirage’ I Special summon an ‘Illusion Soldier’. Now its time for you to go. I use my Spell card ‘Mirage Bomb’. This is no ordinary Spell card.

 

Indeed, this is no ordinary spell card.

 

It can only be used when ‘Mirage Canoneer’ is on the Field as well as an Illusion Token. I can Tribute my Illusion Token and turn it into a canon ball. I can then shoot it at you for a Direct attack equal to half the Tributed Token’s attack.

 

So it's a ridiculously situational version of Ectoplasmer? Grell's right, this is no ordinary spell card. Most spell cards aren't this terrible.

 

Now go, canonneer, and finish this guy off. Siege Cannon Blast!” The ‘Illusion Soldier’ glows and suddenly explodes, revealing a glowing ball. The ball floats into the ‘Mirage Canonneer’s cannon. The monster readies and suddenly shoots the Bomb. It explodes as it passes Gorz and the Emissary. Spruce covers his eyes from the debris as his Life Points drop to 0.

 

And the readers, having been terribly worried that the protagonist might not actually be going to Duel Academy, breathe a sigh of relief.

 

Spruce stares down at the ground, shocked. After a grunt from Grell, Spruce suddenly shows a smile. “That was a good duel, Grell. You have some real potential. I am the Dorm Supervisor to the Slifer Red dorm

 

Grell: "Actually, if they actually let someone as terrible as you be in charge of a dorm, I don't want to go to your lame academy."

 

Spruce: ;_;

 

and I look forward to seeing where the chancellor will place you. Good luck and I’ll see you on the island.” Grell nods and shakes the man’s hand. He walks off of the arena still thinking about the Duel he had just won.

 

He wants to make sure he remembers he already won his entrance duel so he doesn't embarrass himself later.

 

The thought that he made it in to Duel Academy finally occurs to him

 

See, he forgot why he was here. I told you he had no memory at all.

 

when the Obelisk Blue girl walks up to him.

 

Grell: "I'm sorry, have we met?"

 

“Good job. That was quite the victory. My name’s Lindsay by the way. Lindsay Sayers.” Grell’s face slightly turns red.

 

“Well I think you know my name but I think there’s one way to really get to know each other...”

 

“How is that?” She asks curiously.

 

“A duel, of course.”

 

Tonegawa approves of this understanding that a true conversation can occur only through a card game.

 

Both Grell and Lindsay laugh.

 

Grell refuses to repeat his name and laughs at his own jokes because Grell's classy like that.

 

Lindsay pats Grell on the shoulder.

 

“I’ll tell you what. I will be your first opponent when we make it onto the island.

 

Because an experienced somethingth-year in the strongest dorm is clearly a fair match for some amnesiac kid who couldn't even beat someone as stupid as Spruce on his first attempt.

 

Just ask your Dorm Supervisor to schedule it. I like arena duels because you can earn points to purchase new duel packs in the shop.” Grell nods

 

Why do all of Grell's conversations end with Grell silently nodding? It's like he thinks he's Link or something.

 

and the two new friends walk into the crowd to watch the remaining entrance duels.

 

And thus the first chapter of another Yu-Gi-Oh! GX clone comes to its conclusion.

 

On the whole, the plot is even less interesting than that of the GX pilot - not surprising, considering it essentially is the GX pilot but with several corners cut - the characters are uninspired, the exposition is clumsy, the dialogue is clumsy, the spelling needs work, the duel is filled with inconsistencies and made even more uninteresting by the fact that the duelists are idiots and no more information about many of the cards is presented in the text itself than their names, ATKs, and "the monster has blond hair", and there is an overarching lack of anything at all innovative or special about the entire fanfic, creating a cement ceiling of mediocrity that it could not possibly break even if it were not marred by the aforementioned problems.

 

[spoiler=The New Number 2 - {Kingdom Hearts 3 : Reconnect}]Our second subject will be Kingdom Hearts 3 : Reconnect by Black★Star.

 

Let's see if we can wash the taste of that Duel Academy 2010 fic out of our mouths with a Kingdom Hearts story.

 

Plot

 

Because it is obviously impossible to understand the plot of a story just by reading it, we obviously need to have the plot spelled out in advance. Then again, such a feature would have been very useful in Finnegan's Wake, and this fic seems to have similar deviations from the English language, so maybe it isn't a complete waste.

 

Sora is going on a new misson,

 

MISSON

 

to put back everything that is connected to him, or to "Reconnect.

 

This really seems like a misuse of the word "Reconnect", but apparently it has some bizarre definition in canon, so never mind that.

 

He shall face new troubles that may stop him from completing his misson.

 

Obviously. It would be really boring if there weren't any troubles in the way. You may as well add a sentence saying "This story has a conflict!" and explicitly pointing out that it contains characters (though I suppose such a sentence would be about as long as one of your "chapters").

 

Also: MISSON

 

With Ventus, Xion and Roxas with him now, Sora is now complete, and has gained new powers, but will they be enough to stop new enemys?

 

This is actually the end of the "Plot" section. That's right, Black★Star had to actually add an entire chapter - it's counted as a chapter in the topic title's chapter count - to tell us that the plot involved heroes going on a vague MISSON against new ENEMYS.

 

Let's move on to the actual story.

 

Chapter 0

 

A dark figure in a black cloak announced

"we must complete the goal that they could not finish".

Two more dark figures slowly walked out of dark shadows, one of them agreed "yes, we must complete it"

 

Dark Figure 1: "Everything is going according to the plan."

Dark Figure 2: "The objective must be achieved."

Dark Figure 1: "That person will be crucial to the achievement."

Dark Figure 2: "The day of fulfillment approaches. Soon everything will fall into place."

Dark Figure 1: "They previously failed to complete the objective. Failure cannot occur."

Dark Figure 2: "Do not worry. Those people will soon obtain those items for their purpose."

Dark Figure 3: "Wouldn't this conversation be much easier to have if we were to use proper nouns?"

Dark Figure 2: "Speak not such heresy!"

 

...."But we need the one who wields the keyblade".

 

Dark Figure 1: "Silence! That thing must only be referred to as 'The Object', lest the audience actually learn something!"

 

The dark figure thought about what the other man had just said. "yes your right,

 

Dark Figure 2: "I somehow had not realized that The Wielder of The Object was needed for The Plan. Apparently, I haven't the slightest clue what The Plan actually is and how it works. Maybe we really should be a bit less vague in our statements."

 

I know this is a fairly standard Omniscient Council of Vagueness. That doesn't make their pretentious refusal to actually say anything concrete about the plan when nobody in-universe is watching make any more sense.

 

what do you think we should do Xeol "?

The man removed the hood from his cloak, showing his dark blue eyes, "we must capture him its the only way we can complete our goal"

 

What was the point of removing his hood all of a sudden? That sort of unmasking may be forgiven on a television or movie screen, where it still makes no sense but at least looks cool, but here, without visuals, it isn't cool, so its stupid pointlessness is more obvious. Either the hoods are necessary, in which case removing them is stupid, or the hoods are unnecessary, in which case the hoods - like all the other internal secrecy related to this vaguely sinister council - are stupid.

 

That's the end of Chapter 0. I'm assuming it was so titled because absolutely zero happened. Then again, Chapter Plot also revealed nothing beyond "There is a MISSON", so maybe nothing happening is just par for the course in this story. One-paragraph chapters certainly don't exactly leave much room for much development of anything.

 

Chapter 1

 

In a quiet voice she said "Hurry back Sora" and she handed him her good luck charm. "I will, bye Kairi" Sora said as he slowly walked away, but as he was walking to the gummyship he fell into a dark hole with not end.

 

"Sora Freeman who was Gordon Freeman's brother was working in an office when he fell into a dark hole with not end!"

 

So, the evil vague shadow council of doom's cunning plan was to dig a big hole in the ground and hope that Sora would randomly walk into it? Has the shadow council been taking its evil lessons from Team Rocket or something?

 

As Sora slowly fell, he saw memories from his past.

 

I can't tell if this is supposed to be some sort of "life-flashed-before-eyes" variant or a magical recall or a plot hook or what, but I do know it's been randomly inserted here, doesn't go anywhere, and doesn't show the reader exactly what memories Sora is recalling here, eliminating any useful purpose that this sentence could possibly have had. And when a single sentence is, like, 20% of a chapter, having random and pointless ones is a good way to make the story go nowhere (and only seems to be balanced out by other sentences being filled with instantaneous random events like "ZOMG BOTTOMLESS TRAP HOLE").

 

Then he reached the bottom,

 

You said the pit was without end with not end, so how can it have a bottom?

 

there was no light only dark. No sign of life, but then a hand came out and reached for his shoulder. Sora turned around a saw a man in a cloak.

 

There were no signs of life except for the hand instantly grabbing Sora by the shoulder, and it was pitch-black but Sora was still able to see him. This could only be less consistent if the hand were subsequently revealed to be a foot.

 

"are you with organization XIII"! He yelled.

 

Do you always end your questions with exclamation points!

 

The man in the cloak laughed, "no not anymore" i'm Xeal, got it memorized"?

 

For someone so concerned about talking about The Plan with his own teammates, he's awfully quick to reveal his identity to his ENEMYS.

 

Also, the "Got it memorized?" catchphrase is rather ironic here, since Black★Star seems to be the one who doesn't have it memorized. Chapter 0 ended with this guy's name being revealed to be "Xeol", but here his name is given as "Xeal". Based on my second-hand Kingdom Hearts knowledge, I'm guessing that the latter is correct as an anagram of "Axel" and the other is Black★Star not having it memorized and screwing up the spelling, but I can't say for certain. (Alternatively, maybe there really are two different characters with nearly-identical names. In that case, pretend this entire paragraph was me ranting about "i'm" not being properly capitalized or something.)

 

That "i'm" should be capitalized! And those quote marks don't match up properly at all! Everything is ruined!

 

Chapter 3

 

"Axel"? Said Sora with a confused look on his face.

 

A confused look that Axel/Xeal/Xeol/shadowguy could easily see in the "not light only dark", I'm sure.

 

"Not anymore, i have become a unversed" said Xeal. "Unversed"? said sora still with the confused look on his face.

 

Xeal: "They are beings that oppose the very concepts of prose and verse through the use of awful writing!"

 

"They are beings that are the opposite of human life and grow from negetive emotions, but thats not why i summoned you here, i need to tell you of a new threat".

 

Xeal: "I am a being of pure hatred and evil who called you here to help you because I'm nice."

 

"New threat"? Said sora.

 

Xeal: "And don't even think about repeating everything I say."

 

"yes, when all the Organization members faded away they became unversed, but then the lesser nobodys took over and have recreated the organization and there plan is... there plan is...".

 

Random Guy from generic bad movie: "The murderer's name is-" *dies*

 

Seriously, did you really do that eliminated-at-last-second-before-revealing-information thing?

 

Xeal faded away and so did the world where he was, Sora was teliported to new world.

 

"And then Xeal vanished and so did the entire world and Sora was TELIPORTED to some other vague place to complete his MISSON against the ENEMYS. The end!"

 

The stuff about "Reconnected" in Chapter Plot might actually be useful, considering that nothing of the sort has even been vaguely hinted at in the story itself. How bad does a story have to be before it actually fails to contain its own plot?

 

Every Saturday i will make two more chapters

 

Your chapters are one paragraph each, and you don't bother typing them properly or proofreading them or running them through Microsoft Word's spellchecker or anything! How on earth can you only write two such mindless paragraphs in a week?

 

On the whole, this fanfic is not good. It is typed with a flagrant disregard for such conventions as spelling and grammar, it opens with a section called "Plot" that is then ignored by the actual plot of the actual chapters, the chapters are all but a single paragraph long (though in a story of this quality that may be a mercy), the writing contradicts itself every sentence, the events of the story are random and rely on tropes that make no logical sense, and there are no positive qualities to make up for these deficits.

 

[spoiler=3rd Time Lucky - {Pokemon: Saving Private Ryan}]Our third subject will be Pokemon: Saving Private Ryan, a joint "effort" by Cindy ♥s You and Zeonark - although, rather tellingly, the latter requested not to be mentioned in connection to it. That's right: the co-author has disowned it. That does not bode well for us.

 

Let's begin with chapter one.

 

Chapter 1

 

So far, so good. The lack of a title for the chapter is rather boring, but there's nothing really wrong. Seems like a great fic so far!

 

So, where is it set?

 

The Story begins in the Kanto, wait no... Uhh, Hoenn? No uhh, Sinnoh! No the Chikoro Region.

 

And suddenly the flying start we had from the chapter title is brought to an abrupt halt by flying directly into a cliff face. Is this stupidity supposed to be funny or something?

 

In a town called Circol Town. The town of Circle Buildings,

 

Oh, I get it! It's called "Circol" Town because the buildings are "Circles"! Isn't that the cleverest thing you've ever heard?

 

No.

 

Still, at least we've actually established the name of the setting, unless the authors suddenly change their minds again and decide that we're really in Johto. (Incidentally, the fact that two separate authors both said "Yeah, this fanfic is good, let's go post it on the internet" just makes everything here even worse than it already is.)

 

and the Lab of the Pokemon Professor, Professor Willow. Professor Willow was an extremley smart man,

 

I'm fairly sure most readers picked up on that when Willow was established as the local Professor Oak clone. Or is this "Chikoro" place so messed up that its professors are all morons?

 

and was about 50 Years old when the town was founded. And the town was founded... How long ago?

 

I don't know. How long ago?

 

Oh well. That's not the point. The point is that there are two heroes from Circol Town named Cindy and Zeo who are on the Quest to find the Magical Rings and help Sonic the Hedgehog, or something along those lines.

 

This is the part where I fell out of my chair.

 

Here, we can now see that this isn't just a bad Pokemon fanfic; rather, it is attempting to be a parody of a bad Pokemon fanfic, and yet it's still bloody awful. (Had I actually read the whole thing before starting to type this, I would have realized that in advance; mocking fanfics blind is a very dangerous task for experts only.) Bear in mind that the jokes so far consisted of "I'm the author and I don't know where the story takes place lolololol" and "Circol sounds like Circle geddit?", neither of which were remotely amusing, and this latest "gag" (in the sense that it made me gag) is just throwing down random words for supposedly comedic effect. This sort of random "humour" is rarely actually funny, and its use here is no exception to the general rule.

 

"Alright Cindy!

 

Llama potato Goku used thundershock!

 

...nope, random humour isn't working for me either.

 

Time to start our journey to be the best Pokemon Trainers ever!"An excited Zeo shouted, even though they hadn't even gotten their starter Pokemon yet.

 

See, guys, it's funny because he's getting ahead of himself, which makes him a sillyhead for being the sort of average, cocky, overexcited idiot that always seems to end up being the protagonist of shonen series. It isn't funny, especially the way it's delivered here, with the "even though" section pointing out his silliness, but at least the authors haven't made an absolutely unforgivable mistake like explaining the joke even further by explicitly stating that Zeo is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot.

 

It was obvious that he was the average, cocky, overexcited idiot.

 

See, guys, it's funny because I said they didn't do something and then they did it. This is called irony and it makes my commentary of this fanfic funny. That is why I am a funny person and you should all love me.

 

Anyhow, as much as this violates the golden rule of comedy - never explain your jokes, ever - it also betrays an underlying insecurity in our authors. After all, a competent writer could easily convey that someone is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot without saying so outright, so the fact that our authors felt the need to explicitly describe Zeo as an average yadda yadda yadda (despite previously being heavy-handed with displaying his average etceteraness) suggests that not even our authors think that they are competent writers.

 

And yet they still insisted on posting this.

 

"Ok Zeo, just don't jump into the Long Grass and get attacked by a Pokemon again." Giggled Cindy.

 

Cindy: "It was so hilarious last time when you stepped on a Charmander and it gave you third-degree burns that hospitalized you for three months! ^_^ You're such a sillyhead, Zeo!"

 

"As long as we find Professor Willow, we can get our Pokemon!" Then Cindy sighed. "Unless they are all gone already. We're always the last ones in line, I just hope I get a Pokemon this year."

 

For some reason, in this world a Pokemon professor who studies Pokemon as a career only actually has a Pokemon at one time each year, and anyone who isn't one of the first in line, rather than being told to come back in a few days when the professor gets more in stock, must delay the beginning of their quest for an entire year. And this has apparently happened to Cindy and Zeo multiple times in the past - in a world where the beginning of a trainer's quest is decided by age.

 

So, Cindy and Zeo have been held back several years due to not being first in line - and apparently this happens to some people each year, since when one arrives doesn't change the fact that there are obviously more trainers than Pokemon.

 

Also, apparently everyone in this universe is a colossal moron for not camping outside Professor Willow's lab days in advance to make sure they're first in line (and thus won't be held back for years) as if the Nintendo Wii were just released.

 

Then Cindy stared into Zeo's eyes. For a moment, they seemed locked in a gaze of friendship and trust...

 

We have more of the "Tell, don't show" mistake here, but at least the romance is just mundanely bad, whereas the comedy is painfully bad.

 

And then they looked away.

 

Well, that trust was broken fairly quickly.

 

"Hehe, Last one to the Lab is a Rotten Togepi!" Cindy yelled as she started running to the Lab.

 

see guys its funny because togepis are eggs and oh screw it

 

"No fair! You get a head start!" Yelled Zeo as he chased after her. She better not be serious about that last Pokemon thing...

 

Astute readers will have noticed that there was no "last Pokemon thing" that Zeo could possibly have been referring to. The obvious explanation is that not even our authors can bear to read this story, but the truth is that Zeo is slowly going insane and has begin hallucinating.

 

He thought self consciously to himself when running. But then he smiled.

"Daw,

 

For those of you who have forgotten that Zeo is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot, our authors include a helpful reminder here by having him make a classic random idiot noise that is standard verbal shorthand for "I'm a moron".

 

what do I care? As long as we get a Pokemon, I'm happy!" Said Zeo.

"I want to get a Splinosh because the are so cute!" Cindy said and stopped quickly, almost tripping over. We have to go through long grass, oh no.

 

You'll note that there are no quotation marks around that last sentence. That's because that's actual narration, and our authors believe that, in order to finish writing this story, they themselves need to walk through long grass.

 

"Zeo I don't want to alarm you, but we have to go through Long Grass." Cindy said concerned. "We could go around it but it will take about five minutes and we might miss out. Do you want to take a risk?" Asked Cindy.

 

Why on earth were you two playing somewhere out past the long grass away from town when you needed to be in town at the lab very shortly and that being late would result in you being held back another year?

 

Incidentally, the "comedy" seems to have dried up lately, which makes me worry: are our authors actually serious about this trash?

 

"Risk? Pffft. I LIVE for danger!"

 

 

Zeo replied, immediately starting to run through the long grass. Completely oblivious to the dangers. "You comin'?."

 

A plea to aspiring writers: for the love of Charles Dickens, please do not include phrases like "Completely oblivious to the dangers" in your writing if you want it to be any good. Irony works by having a character do something and then having the opposite of the intended result occur, not by having a character do something and then having the author step in to say "Oh, by the way, readers, this character is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot, and what he's doing now is stupid, lolololol".

 

"Of course" Smiled Cindy as she chased after Zeo heading to the Lab. She didn't want to annoy any of the Pokemon in the Grass and she treaded slowly.

 

If you're going to walk, why not just run around the grass? It would probably take just as long. At the very least, just run through and hope anything you annoy will be too slow to catch you.

 

Really, is this supposed to be funny? I honestly can't tell if I'm reading a bad comedy or a bad adventure story. Either way, that should say something about this story's quality.

 

"Zeo!" Yelled Cindy as a Lidoof

 

A what?

 

Fortunately, since our authors are introducing a new Pokemon, I'm sure they will include a detailed description of oh who am I kidding.

 

jumped on her leg. "Ahh! Get it off! Get it off!" Cindy shook her leg in the air and fell over backwards.

"Get offa' her!" Zeo yelled at the Lidoof and he went up and literary

 

I call shenanigans. There's nothing literary about anything in this story.

 

tried to kick the poor thing. He was obviously out of his mind. The Lidoof ran away from Zeo.

 

Um, if his action had exactly the intended effect and solved the problem perfectly, then why would taking that action imply that he was out of his mind? I mean, we already know he's suffering from paranoid schizophrenia based on that hallucination from earlier, but that's not really relevant to this scene, unless he thought the Lidoof was really Satan or something.

 

"Thank you Zeo, but did you really need to kick it?" Asked Cindy. Cindy then pushed Zeo backwards and kept running towards the Lab.

"I'm going to make it first." Cindy yelled and giggled.

"Yes I had to kic-" He quickly turned around. "Hey!" He yelled as he started chasing her again. "I... will... beat... you... there...!" Zeo started gasping for air. Ironicly, he wasn't one to be able to run very long. "Uh... gimme a sec..." He stopped, trying to catch his breath. "Well I'll get in the lab and save you a Pokemon, OK?" Cindy winked at Zeo.

 

Our authors show that they have something vaguely resembling an understanding of irony - and then explicitly note the attempted irony, proving that they have no clue whatsoever how irony is actually used effectively.

 

Also, making fun of people for not having long-distance running stamina is very hit-or-miss. It works on Lelouch; it doesn't work on Zeo.

 

When she got to the Door of the Lab

 

Something about this Sentence seems rather Unusual, doesn't It?

 

she tried to open it and it was locked. Blasted Professor! Cindy knocked on the door. "Professor Willow!?" The Door opened up.

"Hello? Oh hello Cindy, why are you here?" Asked Professor Willow.

 

It's the one day of the year when Professor Willow gives out Pokemon, and Cindy and Zeo have tried to get Pokemon for several years now on this day. Bear in mind that Professor Willow is, according to the authors, "extremley" smart. Then again, he's also vaguely old, so maybe he's gone senile or is suffering from Alzheimer's. How tragic.

 

"Well Professor, my friend, Zeo and I came here to get our first Pokemon." said Cindy. We had to run through the Long Grass to get here.

 

The quotation marks are missing again here, and again it's around a sentence saying that "we" ran through Long Grass. Why is it always this sort of sentence? Do the authors think their self-inserts are not enough, and that they themselves need to personally run through some Long Grass to complete this story? If so, can we stop them from doing so to kill this story?

 

"Well I guess I could give you Pokemon, come on in." Said Professor Willow.

 

Professor Willow, being an extremley smart man, knows that these idiot kids will be terrible trainers, so he's reluctant.

 

"W-wait... P-professor..." Zeo had walked his way over to the lab doors, as he then fell onto the ground. "I would like a Pokemon pleaaaaase..." Zeo moaned as his face hit the ground. "This is my Friend, Zeo Professor." said Cindy as she giggled.

 

More comedy gold right here, folks. Make a note of that: People being exhausted = funny.

 

"Well hello Zeo. Which Pokemon would you two like then?" Asked Professor Willow.

"Ooh! Ooh! Could I get a Splinosh Professor?" Asked Cindy. "Of course you can." Said the Professor as he gave her the Pokeball.

"And you Zeo?" Asked the Professor.

"Flumao!" Zeo replied, still on the floor. "I LIKE Fire!" Zeo exclaimed as he got back up on his feet, perfectly fine.

 

As a paranoid schizophrenic, Zeo needs fire so he can burn down the forest to flesh out the CIA spies that are watching him there.

 

"Haha! Fair Enough Zeo, just try not to burn down any buildings now." Professor Willow joked

 

Authors, have you seen Zeo's characterization so far? He's an impulsive average-idiot-whatever-your-description-of-him-was whose first response to trouble is to employ direct physical violence and who hears voices that aren't there. That wasn't a joke.

 

as he handed Zeo the Pokeball. "Now you two, I have something really special to show you. This is called an Unreliable Pokemon Recorder, or a Pokedex, now, I want you two, to take one each and record every Pokemon you see, because us Professors know nothing about the Pokemon here in this region, because we are afraid of the Sunshine." Said Professor Willow.

 

It's like some sort of Pokemon Abridged thing, except it's not funny. Also, all professors are perfectly within their rights to have a crippling fear of the sunshine, considering what happened to Professor Oak when he ventured outside and the Tails Doll killed him.

 

"Yay! I've seen these on the TV. I cant believe I have one!" Screamed Cindy.

"Wait a minute." Zeo began as he took his own. "You're telling us to do your work because you guys are too scared or too lazy to go out and do it yourselves?" Zeo asked, obviously insulting them.

 

Instead of calling the authors out on bad writing here, I'm going to send a message to the readers instead: readers, the authors think you're so stupid that you need to be told that Zeo is insulting Professor Willow when he calls him a lazy coward. This is how stupid they think you are. (And they're probably right - anyone who could enjoy this probably is that stupid.)

 

"And you called this unreliable..." He added.

 

It's like a Chekhov's gun, but more obvious, and one that will mercifully never be fired if this story is discontinued.

 

Also, we know the Pokedexes are unreliable because they didn't give us any description whatsoever of the new starters.

 

"Calm down Zeo, we have our Pokemon, now lets leave." Said Cindy as she dragged Zeo out of the Lab. And doing so their Great adventure to save Star Fox from Wolf has begun.

 

and then goku punched superman zi britannia lololol

 

"Hey, hey, hey!" Zeo yelled. "This has NOTHING to do with Star Fox!" Zeo denied the narration.

 

And thus the story arrives at its unfunny fourth-wall-shattering conclusion with a confirmation that Zeo is hearing voices that aren't there. I knew it!

 

Tell us what you think.

 

I think I just did. Repeatedly.

 

I don't know whether this is an adventure or a comedy or what, but it's terrible at whatever it's trying to do and has no redeeming qualities. The fact that two people together still couldn't make something better is just pathetic.

 

[spoiler=Breaking The 4th Wall - {Dimensional Collapse}]Next up is the crossover series Dimensional Collapse by Necro Phoenix.

 

Before we begin, I would just like to note something that won't be obvious during my commentary: this story does not contain paragraph breaks. None. The author doesn't seem to have found the "enter" key on his keyboard, so bear in mind that the whole story I'm quoting below is clumped into a single wall of text with no formatting. And that's terrible.

 

Let's begin.

 

Plot

 

I will never understand why people insist on having a separate "Plot" section before the first chapter, especially when that "Plot" section invariably consists of information that one would learn simply by reading the first chapter.

 

The time for the legendary shaman fight has come again. But, this time, the Great Spirit has had different plans than just shamans participating.

 

Then it's not much of a shaman fight, is it?

 

The Great Spirit has opened the doors from several dimensions; Bleach, Shaman King, Naruto, Yugioh 5D's, and One Piece. Competitors from all 5 dimensions have gathered to compete for the ultimate prize, the ability to change the world how you want it.

 

I thought in shonen series you always had the ability to change the world in whatever way you wanted as long as you were hot-blooded and determined enough about it and were able to shout the names of your attacks loudly enough.

 

Anyhow, this Great Spirit chap is reminding me of Deus Ex Machina from Mirai Nikki.

 

Mercifully, this was the end of Chapter Plot, but so little was said that I cannot fathom the point of its existence. All it said was "This is Shaman King but crossover'd", which Chapter Prologue makes evident enough. And it's not like it's such an original and complex plot that readers will get confused without having it explained to them several times.

 

Prologue:Shaman King

 

We have a prologue as well as Chapter Plot? I wonder if we'll ever reach Chapter 1.

 

As he lay staring at the stary

 

We're sorry, no results for "stary" were found in our dictionary. Did you mean this?

 

 

Or this?

 

 

sky, Yoh Asakura realized that 'Wooden Sword' Ryu and Tao Ren were approaching behind him. Yoh sat up and looked at the two with dazed eyes. "Hey guys...what's up?" Yoh said distantly when Manta Oyamada came running to them. "Oh...Hey Manta..." Yoh said and smiled.

 

I'm already getting bored of this awkward writing where people just come up to each other for no reason and say nothing and nothing happens and it's not clear why we needed to see this and the writing style is mildly painful to read. To relieve the tedium, I've decided to picture this scene as if Manta were Yuno Gasai, in keeping with my thoughts on the Great Spirit.

 

"Y-Yoh!

 

Manta: "What are you doing talking to other people, Yoh-kun?" *produces knife*

Yoh: "No, it's all a misunderstanding! It's not like that! I'm not-"

Manta: *stabs Ryu and Ren* "Yoh-kun is mine!"

 

Your dad! Your dad wants to talk to you!" Manta said with exasperation.

 

"Exasperation" seems out of place here. Manta just ran over in what appeared to be mild panic and shouted this summons at Yoh without even saying hello. That seems like a situation where urgency is appropriate, not exasperation.

 

"My dad?" Yoh said with disbelief.

 

Yoh: "I find it impossible that my father could actually want to talk to me! You must be lying!"

 

Since that makes no sense at all, I'm going to assume that Yoh is skeptical because he thinks that there's no way that such an obsessive yandere like Manta could possibly have wanted to talk to people other than himself.

 

"It's true Chief! He sent us to find you." Ryu said,

 

Shut up, you're dead, Manta stabbed you.

 

both him and Ren calm. Ren said nothing, but had his usual hard stare set on Yoh. "It's about the Great Spirit." Ren said

 

How can he say nothing and also say something and have nothing happen between these two actions? I don't think I need to ask at this point whether anyone actually proofread this; it wasn't even run through Microsoft Word's spellchecker.

 

and started to walk away. "The Great Spirit? What's this all about?" Yoh said, starting to get intersted.

 

Yoh's interest only just barely begins to be captured when he hears that something urgent is happening involving a powerful god, and yet when this scene started he was content to lie on his back staring at the Staryu in the sky. I would have said that this sort of complete failure of prioritization made no sense, but considering that Manta has a similar problem, placing Yoh leagues above all else in terms of interest and stabbing anyone who gets between them, I suppose some of Manta's insanity could have rubbed off on Yoh by this point.

 

"I wish I knew, Chief, but he wanted all of us to be there." Ryo said, and after that, no one said anything until they reached a small hut.

 

Having finished Scene 1, I really have to ask: What was the point of that whole scene? We had some guy on his own, then some people come up to him, then some other person comes up to him too and stabs those other people, then everyone says they need to go talk to the first guy's father, then they go off and now they're here to talk to that guy's father.

 

Why was this scene considered necessary? There was no character development. There was no plot development beyond "We need to talk to dad", which could have been conveyed by opening with the scene where they're already, you know, talking to dad. And this utterly pointless scene took up about half the chapter. When half a chapter is utterly pointless, something is horribly, horribly wrong. Get to the point and don't bore the reader with this awkward, irrelevant nonsense.

 

As they walked inside it, Micky Asakura sat in the center of a small room with Shamanic drawings and a wood fire in front of him. "Ah, great to see you, son." Micky said, sounding pleased. "What is this all about dad?" Yoh interrogated.

 

I'm in two minds about what to say here. On the one hand, the word "interrogated" is so horribly awkward and out of place here that even assuming there was no proofreading I'm still amazed it was ever written on the first place. On the other hand, this is the first time our author has been daring enough to use a verb other than "said" to indicate that someone is talking, and I don't want to discourage him from venturing away from the endless wall of Saids to which the rest of this story has subjected us. Basically, the only advice I can give is to actually become fluent in English and learn what does and doesn't sound right.

 

"Yoh, dont sound so angry, he's your dad, remember?" Manta said, worried about Yoh and how distant he has been since the shaman fight ended.

 

Manta: "And remember, if he gets in our way, I can always stab him too~"

 

Micky: "You wish. Mi- Mi- Mickyru Beam!"

 

Manta: *dies*

 

"It's ok Manta. I needed you all here to inform you that the Great Spirit is starting the largest shaman fight in the history of any dimension."

 

I still don't understand how a fight in which 80% of the competitors are not shamans can be reasonably called a shaman fight, but who am I to interrogate our author's word choice?

 

Everyone let out a gasp at the same moment and everyone was too shocked to say anything.

 

That never happened.

 

Like the dramatic-random-hood-removal, this is one of those things that is acceptable on a television screen because it looks dramatic but is just plain silly when written in text form. And it's still cheesy even on television.

 

"The Great Spirit has informed me that there shall be a battle across 5 dimensions. Ours, and 4 others.

 

Micky's wisdom allowed him to discern that one plus four equals five.

 

The winner shall be the new King." Micky informed everyone about the details, the kinds of dimensions, fights, and so forth.

 

Everyone except the readers, unfortunately. It seems like every Foe Fiction includes some place where a character is stated to reveal information or remember information or something, but the author doesn't feel like actually telling the audience what that information is. Because of this, we don't actually find out what dimensions are involved in the actual story; we need to carry that information down from Chapter Plot. And that's terrible. But that's not the only problem:

 

At the end Ren asked the question everyone was thinking.

 

Ren: "If the Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's dimension fights battles solely through card games and the other dimensions fight battles purely through actual fighting, then how on earth are the 5D's contestants supposed to fight anyone else!?"

 

Well, I don't know about "everyone", but that's the question I was thinking. It looks like a serious problem to me, and one that I have no confidence that the author has actually thought about. Of course, Micky has supposedly explained on-camera the types of fights and such, so by all rights we should have information about how this is supposed to work, but the author didn't actually care to share Micky's explanation with us, and in doing so he has created two problems: the overt one that the reader doesn't know what's going on when he should, and the more subtle one that the author doesn't need to actually figure out what's going on because he's not telling the reader anything anyhow and thus overlooks this major problem.

 

"The Shaman Fight is only supposed to exist every 500 years, why is the Great Spirit creating another one so soon?!" Micky sighed, "I dont know,

 

The one time we get an actual quote from Micky, it's him not actually giving any information? It's like this prologue is actively trying to be as uninformative an exposition chapter as it possibly can be.

 

but it must have it's reasons. It will alert you all when it starts. Best of luck. And Yoh, son, be carefull." Yoh glared at Micky and walked out of the tent, the others following close behind.

 

And thus we finally end this chapter on a spelling mistake. Seriously, spellcheckers exist. Use them.

 

The story is poorly-thought-out, spends the whole chapter going nowhere, is riddled with the most awkward wording imaginable, consists primarily of filler that serves no actual purpose, cannot possibly have been proofread, is a single hideous wall of text with no paragraph breaks, and is generally lacking in redeeming qualities.

 

Crab Helmet glared at Necro Phoenix and walked out of the topic, the others following close behind.

 

 

 

 

If you're taking requests' date=' care to give such a commentary for my Digimon fic?

 

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-127859.html

[/quote']

 

I'll take requests, but after a quick read of your first chapter I don't think your story is bad enough for me to mock properly. >_>

 

If I may make a suggestion' date=' do a Fan-Fic with [b']completely[/b] horrid grammar. You may want to kill yourself, but the lot of us will be laughing. <3

 

What, did the Kingdom Hearts fic not count? I mean, it has MISSONS and holes with not end... >.>

 

This is YCM; I'm bound to find a story with hideous grammar fairly soon.

 

Tell everybody how horrible 'Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic' is! I'd LOVE to have it reviewed!!

 

Isn't your fanfic doing to GX what I'm doing to fanfics? That's... kind of meta. o_O

 

Some of the jokes fall kind of flat' date=' especially the ones that amount to "standard GX plot happens, someone says that was stupid and lame booooo", which is a problem when you're doing a comedy and all you have are jokes, but I'm not sure it's bad enough for me to cover when YCM has much worse stuff. Plus, comedy is the hardest thing to mock, as I found while covering Pokemon: Saving Private Ryan, since a lot of the time there's not much more to say than "dats not funny", which itself really isn't funny. (Oh, and also, your story is really long. Even the first half of the first episode would take me forever. >_>)

 

As RiffTrax and Unskippable have proven, some of the best comedy be made by giving incredulous and/or mocking commentary on somebody else's work. What do you know?

 

I actually got the idea from Retsupurae, which is why that big bold introduction is a complete ripoff of homage to Retsupurae's introduction video. But yeah, it seems reasonable that a lot of comedic value can be gained just from pointing out the flaws in something terrible, since the terrible thing's terribleness makes it automatically funny, so all the mocker needs to do is make fun of something that's already funny. That's why Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series and MST3K were so successful.

[Ghost-O]

Has the shadow council been taking its evil lessons from Team Rocket or something?

 

I resent that. D<

 

But overall, these are excellent. They've brought me joy and HAPPEHNESS. Yes, I misspelled it on purpose.

[Clair]

You win at the art of YCM fanfic reviewing.

 

It's a huge accomplishment, I know. ^^

[Kaisu]

Clair, I'd like to object to that.

 

Weather has done some WR's which I find far better than these.

[Guest PikaPerson01]

Hehe... neat. By the way, did you get like... permission... from the authors to do this? <_<

 

On an unrelated note, I'd be... pretty damn sad if the users on this board decided "Hey, let's make terribad fics now to get on Crab's Foe Fiction!" <_<

[Toffee.]

I lol'd hard through most of this.

 

pleaseletitbesparkspleaseletitbesparkspleaseletitbesparks

But its a fanfic' date=' they [i']CANT[/i] possibly defeat someone in an "un-origional" manner.

 

They have to spend at least 8-23 cards on simply doing 402 damage.

[Bringerofcake]

[obligatory fawning text here]

 

lolsubscribed!

[Guest]

FoeFic #5 is up - I went and reviewed Roxas's Digimon fic.

 

Clair' date=' I'd like to object to that.

 

Weather has done some WR's which I find far better than these.

[/quote']

 

what is dis heresy!!!

 

weather report guy! u! me! pistols! @dawn!!!

 

More seriously, though I haven't seen them myself, I've no doubt that WR's are better. My style is rather inconsistent - I try to include both some actual serious criticism of the work (like Slacktivist primarily does) and silly entertaining shenanigans (like Unskippable primarily does). The result is that I try to have two birds with one stone and eat them too, which means that anyone who goes more toward one extreme will automatically compare favourably to my master-of-none style.

 

Hehe... neat. By the way' date=' did you get like... permission... from the authors to do this? <_<

[/quote']

 

Um... not exactly. >_> Is that considered standard etiquette? I know Weird Al gets permission before he makes his parodies, but he's also a professional who makes money and stuff, and other fan work MSTings I've seen don't seem to ask permission beforehand (I know Retsupurae doesn't, for one thing). If that is considered standard etiquette, then maybe these people shouldn't write terrible stories so it won't become an issue, then I suppose I can ask in future (though I do try to include a decent amount of actual criticism of the work so the author gets something out of it, and half the authors I've already done have thanked me afterward, and none has complained, so no harm seems to be done so far, and I have permission in advance for the next two already).

 

On an unrelated note' date=' I'd be... pretty damn sad if the users on this board decided "Hey, let's make terribad fics now to get on Crab's Foe Fiction!" <_<

[/quote']

 

That would be pretty pathetic, but it did happen to Retsupurae, so it's certainly possible. Though, to be honest, anyone thick enough to think that something like that would actually be a decent idea is doubtlessly thick enough that they could try their absolute best at writing something and they'd still end up on Foe Fiction. >.>

 

But its a fanfic' date=' they [i']CANT[/i] possibly defeat someone in an "un-origional" manner.

 

They have to spend at least 8-23 cards on simply doing 402 damage.

 

I'm waiting for a fanfic where someone abuses the 4000 Life Point starting value to autowin with Bubbleman Burn or Chain Burn.

 

Actually, no, I'm not, because I actually think duels in fanfics are incredibly boring. >_> But never mind that.

[Ghost-O]

You didn't post the rest of it. :/

[Kaisu]

Weather Reports are like these, just exploiting all the stupid stuff and turning it into some comedy gold and making the writer look stupid.

 

And then Daily News/Twig Breaking News followed.

[Phantom Roxas]

You didn't post the rest of it. :/

 

Character limit breached' date=' I suppose.

 

Weather Reports are like these, just exploiting all the stupid stuff and turning it into some comedy gold and making the writer look stupid.

 

And then Daily News/Twig Breaking News followed.

 

Except this time it's Crab Helmet.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Tell everybody how horrible 'Yu-Gi-Oh! GX! The Fan Fic' is! I'd LOVE to have it reviewed!!

 

Isn't your fanfic doing to GX what I'm doing to fanfics? That's... kind of meta. o_O

 

Some of the jokes fall kind of flat' date=' especially the ones that amount to "standard GX plot happens, someone says that was stupid and lame booooo", which is a problem when you're doing a comedy and all you have are jokes, but I'm not sure it's bad enough for me to cover when YCM has much worse stuff. Plus, comedy is the hardest thing to mock, as I found while covering Pokemon: Saving Private Ryan, since a lot of the time there's not much more to say than "dats not funny", which itself really isn't funny. (Oh, and also, your story is really long. Even the first half of the first episode would take me forever. >_>)

[/quote']

 

True, it's already doing what you've said it does, and also true, it is long, and also also true, some of the jokes fall flat, but the good thing about it is that I've been learning about my past mistakes, using better, more unforeseen humor (huh? Well, I GUESS so, I dunno) and completely killing the plot slowly by making my own characters overtake the spotlight at times (well, that's mostly going to be done as I get into that 'Shadow Riders' arc, with two insanely important I suppose but tragic characters). Basically now, I see it as a parody, yes, but it is now my OWN story.

 

I'm only taking the basic plots and many, many lines from the source material, but the story has grown on me, forcing myself to come up with better plots for the series itself! I have crafted my own universe!!

 

Too bad I won't be able to publish it and profit, but that's where creative writing comes in.

 

So, I guess all that came from you saying that many of the jokes fall flat. Well, yeah. I guess some of them you DO see coming. And I really DIDN'T have to make that long speech... anywho, keep up the good work? And I really hope your fifth review didn't get lost forever by being cut off.

[Nexev]

Tragic....

 

Stan Kirby maybe?

 

Anyway from what I've seen they are good, I have some discrepancies with Hopeless Paradise but I enjoy the series as a whole and I am not a good judge.

[Dark]

Either your spoiler failed or the character limit put a stop to your devious awesome ways.

 

Don't Super Mods have around a 5000 character limit? I remember Icy telling me that one day on MSN, wayyy back when.

[Guest]

I completely forgot the character limit existed, since I've never run into it before. >_> Fortunately, the rest of the commentary was not lost, as I always post these things both in this topic and in the topic of the subject fic.

 

[spoiler=Babylon 5 - {Digimon: Hopeless Paradise}]Our fifth hideous abomination subject will be Digimon: Hopeless Paradise by Phantom Roxas.

 

Actually, with any luck, this one will be better than my usual fare. I'm here by Phantom Roxas's own request. All I know from a quick skim of it is that is actually has good spelling and grammar and that the first scene of the Battlestar Galactica 2003 pilot pretty much happens in it. So, I'll be reviewing this blind, and I'm not sure whether I want this to be good (so that I'll actually survive this reading) or bad (so that I'll actually have something funny to say).

 

Let's begin.

 

30 years ago, a group of scientists endeavored to create an alternate plain of existence.

 

Aw, just when I said you were using proper spelling and grammar, you had to go and do this in the first sentence. The word you're looking for is "plane". Remember, you are a Planeswalker who draws white mana from plains.

 

Unless, of course, the scientists' goal was to create an alternate savana. I'm going to assume that that was the case, and the result was the creation of the Pridelands, ruled by Mufasa.

 

This group was called "Paradiso". The few inhabitants they initially placed into this program were of varied levels. Over time, the mysterious creatures - named Digimon, a combination of the words "Digital" and "Monsters" - strangely developed, gaining sentient minds.

 

Everyone was amazed when that Meerkatmon and Warthogmon learned to sing in both English and Swahili.

 

The digitally-engineered world, which was unsurprisingly named the "Digital World",

 

The scientists called themselves "Paradiso". You can't expect them to come up with imaginative names.

 

soon began to increase in size as well. It was initially created to be 100 meters in length, but soon it began to increase to be exactly the same size of our own world. "Paradiso" added a small program, dubbed "Yggdrasil", to their creation, hoping to add stability to the program.

 

Wait, the best name they could come up with for the digital world was "Digital World", but for this small balancing program they came up with a name that looks like it should belong to one of Cthulhu's incomprehensible Great Old One friends?

 

Soon the ambitions of "Paradiso" received many questions, placing the group within the center of much controversy.

 

They have brought many monsters to the Digital World,

Whose life did the vast Pridelands fill.

Did this in Paradiso seem ambitious?

When that the plain hath grown, Paradiso hath balanced it.

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.

Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,

And Brutus is an honorable man.

 

The leader of the project, Allen Fenrir, said his dream was to create another realm of existence so as to create a paradise for humans to live in.

 

I'm thinking he lost track of that goal around the time he decided that Step 2 of this cunning plan was "Fill the alternate realm with monsters". It's sort of like how the Umbrella Corporation always seems to overlook the fact that creating a world-destroying virus just isn't a terribly viable business plan.

 

While the technology was available to create the program itself, their was no known technology for people to become a part of the program successfully yet.

 

Maybe they would have invented that technology if they had poured their resources into inventing it instead of into inventing artificial monsters?

 

Beta Testers signed up to participate in a Virtual Reality Simulator to test the safety of living within the world, but the Beta Testers died of unknown causes. As such, "Paradiso" was dissolved and the "Digital World Project" was terminated.

 

It's like the old saying goes: If at first you don't succeed, try again unless your beta testers are dead.

 

Allen Fenrir's career was in shambles, and the man soon disappeared.

 

Well, if that's not a plot hook, then I don't know what is.

 

Despite termination, the Digital World still continued to develop. Was it a glitch, or a fail-safe program within that prevented permanent deletion? Regardless, the Digital World still existed, but there was no one on Earth that knew.

 

So, if Paradiso went under, so did its computers, right? In that case, if Paradiso's computers are gone but the Digital World still exists (and therefore can exist independently of computers), in what sense is the Digital World still digital? Regardless of handwaves about "glitch" or "fail-safe", if the Digital World is running and the computers aren't, it's obviously gained independence of the computers. I propose we rename it The World Formerly Known As Digital.

 

This is the end of the opening exposition section. It's certainly good by Foe Fiction standards, but since "average" by Foe Fiction standards consists of three sentences speaking in the vaguest of terms about a new MISSON, that's not saying much. The setup seems to be relying on apparently-illogical actions and hand-waves, and while I suppose some of these could be explained properly later, at the moment it looks like plot-induced stupidity and some arbitrary "Here's the setting, don't ask questions" silliness, which seems like bad form.

 

Gallantmon could not believe it; it was rare for him to be nervous. He was among the strongest of the Royal Knights, those sworn to uphold the justice of the Digital World.

 

Since I don't know anything about Digimon, I'm picturing this non-human monster as Gino from Code Geass.

 

Don't question it.

 

He sat in the conference room of the Tower of Babel,

 

Protip for anyone out there building towers: Don't name them Babel.

 

and the only other occupant in the room was Barbamon, the Demon Lord of Greed and the master strategist of the Seven Great Demon Lords.

 

What, more villains themed after the Seven Deadly Sins? It seems like everyone's going that route nowadays.

 

I'm going to be picturing this guy as the original Greed from Fullmetal Alchemist, because he's awesome.

 

Gallantmon may have been one of the best candidates to represent the Royal Knights in this meeting, but it was Duftmon who was the leading strategist among the Royal Knights. Sending him would have been much more suitable for a Digimon of Barbamon's caliber.

 

Since this scene is presumably being told from Gallantmon's perspective, I'm going to assume that this narration is what Gallantmon thinks. Here we see Gallantmon's self-esteem issues come to light, and that sort of weakness is rather a problem when you're sitting across the table from a being who I assume is the opposition's Just As Planned Guy.

 

Gallantmon was garbed entirely in a suit of white armor, with the addition of a red cape and a helmet in the shape of a dragon's head. In his right hand he held a silver lance, and in his left hand was a large, white shield with a golden trim engraved with the symbols of the Digimon's written language engraved alongside the edge. The center of the shield consisted of three triangles with a fourth inverted triangle in the middle.

 

Now I can't really picture this guy as Gino anymore. Aw.

 

More seriously, kudos for actually including decent character descriptions. Most fanfics here seem to think "description" means "he had brown hair ok now let's get on with the first duel of this highly original tournament".

 

Barbamon, on the other hand, wore a dark green cloak with a blue top. In his right hand was a scepter with a skull stuck to the top of it, with a red orb in its mouth. He had a golden mask with a long nose, obscuring his eyes. His long, grey hair flowed to his waist. He wore a necklace made entirely of red jewels embedded in gold. Finally, he had four red wings of a demon.

 

Greed is so awesome that I'm going to keep picturing Barbamon as Greed, but with all these accessories and the wings.

 

Speaking of which, I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth by complaining about these descriptions, but they seem to focus entirely on the characters' clothing and accessories but almost negligibly on the characters themselves. Maybe these guys are canon Digimon characters and you're expecting readers to be familiar with them already, though. However, since I haven't a clue what Barbamon himself looks like beyond what he's wearing, I'm still picturing him as Greed, but with a bit more of the money he wanted (along with more money, fame, land, power, women, and everything in the whole world).

 

"What, it's just you?" Barbamon teased.

 

Guy with self-esteem problems. Guy who's a manipulative chessmaster. Who do you think wins?

 

Gallantmon remained calm, knowing that this meeting was supposed to negotiate the peace of the Digital World.

 

"The Babylon Project was our last, best hope for peace. This is the story of the last of the Towers of Babel-on. The year is 2258. The name of the place is Babel-on 5."

 

The continents of Stoichea, Embolio, and Ios were at war, placing the rest of the Digital World at risk of entering the conflict and the ruling organizations, collectively known as the Overseers, who were supposed to settle matters.

 

Maybe they Overlooked the need for their duti- I'm sorry, that pun is too lame even for me to use.

 

"The Sovereigns and the Olympus Twelve were supposed to send representatives as well," Gallantmon answered at last.

 

"Are they not the Olympus Six now? Half of their members have been lost to this war, so I'm unsure if they should be considered part of the Overseers for much longer."

 

They should be replaced by the Famous Five. Timmy the Dog would be a good representative to this peace negotiation.

 

"Neither should the Demon Lords. Each of you are known for your treacherous ways, and you are the most infamous of the seven in that regard."

 

There's an important difference between losing your seat due to not having any power - that's what happened to G'Kar - and losing your seat due to being evil - that's what should have happened to Londo.

 

"Are you saying you don't trust me?" Barbamon grimaced. "You still haven't answered my first question."

 

Um, he answered it. Barbamon asked why only Gallantmon was here, and Gallantmon answered that those other two groups were supposed to send a representative as well. Then again, Barbamon probably knows that and is just trolling again.

 

"Only I am here because the Overseers all agreed to send one of member of each faction to attend these meetings, don't you remember? As for your other question, I have little reason to trust you after what the rest of you did to Seraphimon and Ophanimon."

 

Barbamon's the demon personifying greed and is also known to be the biggest chessmaster of the demons. If you're even considering ever trusting him, then you'll be thick enough to even believe what Ben Linus tells you.

 

"Seraphimon embraced his punishment, but Ophanimon was a fool to follow him. Nevertheless, they are wonderful assets to our cause."

 

"All of us are well aware of your 'cause'," Gallantmon retorted with a cold, and yet sarcastic tone. "The only reason we allow the seven of you to live is because of the balance you present the Digital World as our opposition.

 

Aw, is this going the balance-between-good-and-evil route? That's just nonsense; if good is something that needs to be balanced by evil, then good is not good and evil is not evil.

 

This looks to me like Churchill phoning up Hitler and saying "Hi there, we could totally crush you, but we need you evil guys to balance out our awesomeness", and Hitler replying in German that he doesn't speak English.

 

The Sovereigns and the Olympus Twelve-"

 

"Six," Barbamon corrected.

 

"-have each sworn neutrality. As such, the co-existence of the Royal Knights and the Demon Lords also presents neutrality."

 

To be honest, I stopped caring about this meeting a lot around the time Gallantmon made it clear that he most emphatically doesn't want his side to win and instead wants the villains to survive. >_> That's just... not terribly interesting.

 

"How do you exist as the force the neutralizes us? There are thirteen of you knights, but there are only seven of us."

 

In the time Greed spent counting his wealth, he learned that thirteen is more than seven.

 

"What are you suggesting, a challenge?" Gallantmon assumed.

 

"Assumed" is very much the correct word; I don't see any challenge present there. Of course, if Gallantmon is seeing a challenge, then Barbamon probably wants a fight and is provoking him into it.

 

"Well, if you wish to put it in such mild terms," Barbamon taunted.

 

"Your death will mean little," Gallantmon declared,

 

You just said it was important for the demons to survive to balance out the knights; how can you now say his death will mean little?

 

readying his weapon.

 

"The Babylon Project was our last, best hope for peace. It failed. But in the year of the Digital War, it became something greater: our last, best hope – for victory. The year is 2260. The place: Babel-on 5."

 

I'm disappointed; this story is actually pretty good. So far, its biggest flaws are being approximately 300% exposition and relying heavily on characters taking actions that really don't make sense to me (Gallantmon is the worst peace negotiator ever).

 

So far we've created an entire new plane plain of existence and initiated a plain-spanning war between the Knights of the Round Table and the Seven Stakes of Purgatory. What exciting, earth-shattering event will occur next?

 

Alex Kadrou fell back in his bed, tired out from finishing his exams.

 

...well then.

 

He was wearing a black T-shirt and black jeans, and his shoes were right next to his bed.

 

Without Gallantmon's and Barbamon's absurdly intricate dress styles, the focus on describing characters' clothes' appearances rather than the characters' own appearances becomes a lot more obvious, and a lot more painful. This level of description is very much worthy of Foe Fiction. It doesn't help that, while Gallantmon and Barbamon are probably canon characters whose appearances readers are expected to already know, Alex looks like an original character to me, so that excuse doesn't work here.

 

"God, that was annoying!" Alex complained,

 

Why do you people always speak out loud when there's nobody else around to hear them? Does this guy share Grell's amnesia?

 

despite the fact he was the only one in his room.

 

Oi oi oi, no making fun of your own nonsensical writing! That's my job!

 

More seriously, hanging a lampshade on your characters talking to themselves is better than failing to do so, but if you know that having your characters speak out loud to themselves doesn't really make sense, then instead of having them do so anyhow and then giving a nod to your reader that you know it's silly, why not just not have that silly thing happen in the first place so that your story will actually make some semblance of sense?

 

The last exam he had to finish was his Algebra II final. "A pain in the ass really, if I do say so myself."

 

And you do indeed say so yourself. You could just as easily think so yourself, but for some reason you say so yourself instead.

 

He turned to his clock, pushing away some of the black hair that fell in front of his eyes.

 

Finally, we have a bit of description of Alex himself.

 

Apparently, he has black hair that falls in front of his eyes.

 

"Only one o'four?"

 

Apparently, it's 1:04.

 

He pulled out his iPhone,

 

Apparently, he has an iPhone.

 

browsing the Internet to see what movies were playing in the local theater.

 

"Nothing," he lamented.

 

Apparently, nothing is playing in the local theater.

 

If I sound at all bored right now, it's because I am. Scenes From Random Kid's Everyday Life In Which Even Random Kid Is Bored just don't tend to be terribly interesting.

 

He had wanted to go to the movies,

 

So ya

Thought ya

Might like to go to the show.

To feel the warm thrill of confusion

That space cadet glow.

 

But then he couldn't, so we're still stuck in Alex's room with him instead of being at the cinema with him watching COLONEL JACK ZERO VERSUS THE ZOMBIES PART III. That would have beep stupid too, but at least it would have involved a guy named COLONEL JACK ZERO, which has to count for something.

 

On a more serious note, this is a terrible sentence. We have just seen Alex take out his iPhone and check the local cinema listings, so from that we can tell that he wanted to go to the movies. That's how writing is supposed to work: we find things out by observation, not by being told things. Here, however, after we've been shown that Alex wants to go to the movies, we have a line thrown in explicitly stating that he wants to go to the movies. Why? What's the point of it? Do you have such a low opinion of your readers, Phantom Roxas? Do you feel the need to sabotage what would have been decent writing by throwing in this epitome of telling over showing?

 

...seriously, that sentence sucks.

 

but then he remembered that there was nothing particularly good in theaters at the moment.

 

Hold on a moment, that's not what happened at all. He didn't "remember" anything; he looked on the internet via his iPhone and checked! Did he forget in the last thirty seconds and then remember (maybe he really does share Grell's memory issues)? Come on, Roxas, if you're going to write stuff, you need to learn to proofread.

 

"Seriously, I wish something good happens soon.”

 

What perfect timing, because something good did just happen - we reached the end.

 

What we started out with seemed promising: good spelling and grammar, notwithstanding the "plains" thing at the start; the roots of what promises to be a good storyline in a fleshed-out world; and so on and so forth. Unfortunately, the story began to fall apart as I read through it, degenerating into something I feel comfortable with placing under Foe Fiction.

 

The first problem is the exposition and the major emphasis on telling over showing. I know this is the first chapter and you need to set the stage, but this whole thing has essentially been the narrator spewing exposition, and when it hasn't been that, it's been Gino and Greed exposition, and when we finally see something with our own eyes, the narrator feels the need to step in immediately afterward to provide exposition that contradicts what we've just seen. Even what we think we've actually seen is really largely exposition; a lot of emphasis is placed on how Barbamon is a cunning strategist who is adept at backstabbing people and so on and so forth, but the only thing he does at a diplomatic conference (where he should be most effective) is start a fight. I have an idea for an easier way to accomplish the same goal: send in Wrathamon or whatever that demon's name is instead of Barbamon and have him stab Gallantmon in the face.

 

Which leads me into my next point: nobody's actions here make any bloody sense. I don't know why Paradiso would think filling the Pridelands with artificially-created monsters was a good idea if their goal was to create a paradise for humans. I don't know why the public would riot over Paradiso's experiments when things like the moon MISSON missions produced no such controversy in real life (or why the invention of real artificial intelligence would be treated as anything less than a world-shaking breakthrough). I don't know why Gallantmon prefers to keep some sort of balance rather than have good triumph over evil, and I don't know why he tosses that away a second later to have a fight. I don't know why Barbamon wanted a fight with Gallantmon, and if I knew that I still wouldn't know why he thought it was best for him to go and goad Gallantmon into a fight instead of just having a physically-strong demon go and challenge him directly. I'm sure some of this will be explained in later chapters that I'm too lazy to read, but I strongly suspect that not all of it will be - and even if it is explained later, right now it looks like the explanation is "Because the plot demanded it", and anything that makes the story look bad when readers first pick it up is something that is going to lose you readers. Like me. Right now.

 

And then there was that last section about Alex, which was just plain awful - to the point where I decided to respond to its last line by celebrating its ending instead of making an FLCL reference. It was boring, painful to read, reeked of a complete and utter absence of proofreading, and left the chapter on the least interesting note it possibly could. At the very least, you could have killed Chapter 1 after the Babylon 5 scene and left Alex's introduction for Chapter 2, or had the "something good" actually happen in Chapter 1, but instead the scene was left not only with its internal problems but also with the worst position possible in the overall framework of the story.

 

I began with positive expectations, but when I was finished I was left with nothing more than a mound of unbelievable exposition. As much as I'm sure this is going to draw hate from your fanbase clamoring for the next chapter, there is no doubt in my mind that this is a Foe Fiction.

 

 

 

There we go.

[Dr. Cakey]

They have brought many monsters to the Digital World,

Whose life did the vast Pridelands fill.

Did this in Paradiso seem ambitious?

When that the plain hath grown, Paradiso hath balanced it.

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.

Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,

And Brutus is an honorable man.

 

Remember, the moment the one who mockifies makes a mistake, they lose the pristine shininess they hold over their subjects. It's not exactly a 'hole with not end', but I have now lost all respect for you and now know that anything you say must clearly be wrong.

 

...

 

Because you accidentally reverse 'this' and 'in'.

[Dark]

Yet I don't think anyone on this website can go long periods of time without slipping up (unless one hasn't posted).

[Umbra]

Because you accidentally reverse 'this' and 'in'.

 

It looks more like omitted commas to me.

"Did this, in Paradiso, seem ambitious?"

 

Anyhow, where do I subscribe?

[Guest]

True' date=' it's already doing what you've said it does, and also true, it is long, and also also true, some of the jokes fall flat, but the good thing about it is that I've been learning about my past mistakes, using better, more unforeseen humor (huh? Well, I GUESS so, I dunno) and completely killing the plot slowly by making my own characters overtake the spotlight at times (well, that's mostly going to be done as I get into that 'Shadow Riders' arc, with two insanely important I suppose but tragic characters). Basically now, I see it as a parody, yes, but it is now my OWN story.

 

I'm only taking the basic plots and many, many lines from the source material, but the story has grown on me, forcing myself to come up with better plots for the series itself! I have crafted my own universe!!

 

Too bad I won't be able to publish it and profit, but that's where creative writing comes in.

 

So, I guess all that came from you saying that many of the jokes fall flat. Well, yeah. I guess some of them you DO see coming. And I really DIDN'T have to make that long speech... anywho, keep up the good work? And I really hope your fifth review didn't get lost forever by being cut off.

[/quote']

 

Bear in mind that everything I said about your fanfic comes from me spending approximately two minutes speed-reading the first scene and then skimming the rest of the first chapter. It's not exactly a serious evaluation. >.>

 

They have brought many monsters to the Digital World' date='

Whose life did the vast Pridelands fill.

Did [b']this in[/b] Paradiso seem ambitious?

When that the plain hath grown, Paradiso hath balanced it.

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.

Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,

And Brutus is an honorable man.

 

Remember, the moment the one who mockifies makes a mistake, they lose the pristine shininess they hold over their subjects. It's not exactly a 'hole with not end', but I have now lost all respect for you and now know that anything you say must clearly be wrong.

 

...

 

Because you accidentally reversed 'this' and 'in'.

 

Good sir, it is you who are mistaken, and on a number of counts.

 

In the first place, the order of the words in my post is entirely grammatically correct. If you are unable to understand why, imagine an understood "quality" between "this" and "in" - "Did this [quality] in Paradiso seem ambitious?" - as that is what the "this" represents.

 

In the second place, the inverted ordering - "Did in this Paradiso seem ambitious?" - makes no sense at all; one would at the very least need to perform an additional reordering to "In this did Paradiso seem ambitious?", though even that would be unnecessary, since my version is acceptable anyhow.

 

In the third place, you'll find that it is entirely impossible for I to have made a mistake with those words, for those words are not my own. Were you a better-read fellow, you might have realized - especially with the help of those last two lines I left in that still mention Brutus by name - that that section was copied (with alterations - the original said "Did this in Caesar", not "Did this in Paradiso" - but with the relevant words intact) from Mark Antony's "Friends, Romans, and Countrymen" speech from Julius Caesar. In case you weren't aware, that's a play that was written a few years ago by a relatively obscure playwright named William Shakespeare.

 

So, no, actually, I'm fairly sure I was correct.

 

However, I'm sure that, if you wanted to, you could search through my commentaries and find some spelling or grammar mistake. For all my talk of proofreading and editing, the full extent of my own proofreading is fixing stuff that Firefox underlines with a red wavy line telling me that I've made a typo and spelled something wrong. One could call it hypocritical of me to do this, but I don't feel that it is a problem. Different types of works deserve different types of treatment; a proper story deserves time, care, and effort, but these posts of mine in which I waver at random between stupid Babylon 5 jokes and overreacting to underwhelming final scenes are an entirely different form of expression with much looser standards - especially since, when I'm reviewing many of these fanfics blind (including the one from which the Caesar quote comes), I literally cannot go back and perform proper editing later without cheating. More generally, stories are works of art and my commentaries are deconstructions of works of art rather than proper works of art in and of themselves - they are at best nonconstructive derivative works with no standalone purpose or direction.

 

Oh, and by the way, I fixed a typo that you made in your post.