Pokemon: Saving Private Ryan

[:^)]

[align=center]This fanfic is being written by two people, which makes no sence and is very Difficult. If you have any questions, ask Zeonark, as he is happy to answer all of your questions.

 

Chapter 1[/align]

The Story begins in the Kanto, wait no... Uhh, Hoenn? No uhh, Sinnoh! No the Chikoro Region. In a town called Circol Town. The town of Circle Buildings, and the Lab of the Pokemon Professor, Professor Willow. Professor Willow was an extremley smart man, and was about 50 Years old when the town was founded. And the town was founded... How long ago? Oh well. That's not the point. The point is that there are two heroes from Circol Town named Cindy and Zeo who are on the Quest to find the Magical Rings and help Sonic the Hedgehog, or something along those lines.

"Alright Cindy! Time to start our journey to be the best Pokemon Trainers ever!" An excited Zeo shouted, even though they hadn't even gotten their starter Pokemon yet. It was obvious that he was the average, cocky, overexcited idiot.

"Ok Zeo, just don't jump into the Long Grass and get attacked by a Pokemon again." Giggled Cindy. "As long as we find Professor Willow, we can get our Pokemon!" Then Cindy sighed. "Unless they are all gone already. We're always the last ones in line, I just hope I get a Pokemon this year." Then Cindy stared into Zeo's eyes. For a moment, they seemed locked in a gaze of friendship and trust...And then they looked away.

"Hehe, Last one to the Lab is a Rotten Togepi!" Cindy yelled as she started running to the Lab.

"No fair! You get a head start!" Yelled Zeo as he chased after her. She better not be serious about that last Pokemon thing... He thought self consciously to himself when running. But then he smiled.

"Daw, what do I care? As long as we get a Pokemon, I'm happy!" Said Zeo.

"I want to get a Splinosh because the are so cute!" Cindy said and stopped quickly, almost tripping over. We have to go through long grass, oh no.

"Zeo I don't want to alarm you, but we have to go through Long Grass." Cindy said concerned. "We could go around it but it will take about five minutes and we might miss out. Do you want to take a risk?" Asked Cindy.

"Risk? Pffft. I LIVE for danger!" Zeo replied, immediately starting to run through the long grass. Completely oblivious to the dangers. "You comin'?."

"Of course" Smiled Cindy as she chased after Zeo heading to the Lab. She didn't want to annoy any of the Pokemon in the Grass and she treaded slowly.

"Zeo!" Yelled Cindy as a Lidoof jumped on her leg. "Ahh! Get it off! Get it off!" Cindy shook her leg in the air and fell over backwards.

"Get offa' her!" Zeo yelled at the Lidoof and he went up and literary tried to kick the poor thing. He was obviously out of his mind. The Lidoof ran away from Zeo.

"Thank you Zeo, but did you really need to kick it?" Asked Cindy. Cindy then pushed Zeo backwards and kept running towards the Lab.

"I'm going to make it first." Cindy yelled and giggled.

"Yes I had to kic-" He quickly turned around. "Hey!" He yelled as he started chasing her again. "I... will... beat... you... there...!" Zeo started gasping for air. Ironicly, he wasn't one to be able to run very long. "Uh... gimme a sec..." He stopped, trying to catch his breath. "Well I'll get in the lab and save you a Pokemon, OK?" Cindy winked at Zeo. When she got to the Door of the Lab she tried to open it and it was locked. Blasted Professor! Cindy knocked on the door. "Professor Willow!?" The Door opened up.

"Hello? Oh hello Cindy, why are you here?" Asked Professor Willow.

"Well Professor, my friend, Zeo and I came here to get our first Pokemon." said Cindy. We had to run through the Long Grass to get here.

"Well I guess I could give you Pokemon, come on in." Said Professor Willow.

"W-wait... P-professor..." Zeo had walked his way over to the lab doors, as he then fell onto the ground. "I would like a Pokemon pleaaaaase..." Zeo moaned as his face hit the ground. "This is my Friend, Zeo Professor." said Cindy as she giggled.

"Well hello Zeo. Which Pokemon would you two like then?" Asked Professor Willow.

"Ooh! Ooh! Could I get a Splinosh Professor?" Asked Cindy. "Of course you can." Said the Professor as he gave her the Pokeball.

"And you Zeo?" Asked the Professor.

"Flumao!" Zeo replied, still on the floor. "I LIKE Fire!" Zeo exclaimed as he got back up on his feet, perfectly fine.

"Haha! Fair Enough Zeo, just try not to burn down any buildings now." Professor Willow joked as he handed Zeo the Pokeball. "Now you two, I have something really special to show you. This is called an Unreliable Pokemon Recorder, or a Pokedex, now, I want you two, to take one each and record every Pokemon you see, because us Professors know nothing about the Pokemon here in this region, because we are afraid of the Sunshine." Said Professor Willow.

"Yay! I've seen these on the TV. I cant believe I have one!" Screamed Cindy.

"Wait a minute." Zeo began as he took his own. "You're telling us to do your work because you guys are too scared or too lazy to go out and do it yourselves?" Zeo asked, obviously insulting them. "And you called this unreliable..." He added.

"Calm down Zeo, we have our Pokemon, now lets leave." Said Cindy as she dragged Zeo out of the Lab. And doing so their Great adventure to save Star Fox from Wolf has begun.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Zeo yelled. "This has NOTHING to do with Star Fox!" Zeo denied the narration.

 

Tell us what you think.

[Bassa]

Looks good, (Although I have read it before.)

[:^)]

Looks good' date=' (Although I have read it before.)

[/quote']

 

Thank you good sir.

[bury the year]

Beta it. You have way too many spelling and grammar errors, which doesn't make sense because you have two sets of eyes on this project.

[:^)]

Beta it. You have way too many spelling and grammar errors' date=' which doesn't make sense because you have two sets of eyes on this project.

[/quote']

 

There are two people writing, so one of the people have it wrong, give an example.

[bury the year]

No capitalization of words after speaking.

"So," he said.

not

"So," He said.

 

Put a comma instead of a period at the end of quotes unless it's the end of the sentence.

"So," he said.

not

"So." he said.

 

Watch for capitalization in general.

[Clair]

Can you space your story out?

 

It's so difficult to read. D:

 

Also, like Rinne said, watch your grammar. Especially after the quotation marks.

[Nexev]

Plus half of your pokemon seem made up and we have no idea what they look like.

 

I'm skeptical that Zeo's leg was attacked by a giant beaver the size of snorlax but there you go.

[Guest Zeonark]

I told you not to mention me. ._."

 

No capitalization of words after speaking.

"So' date='" he said.[/quote'] not

"So," He said.

 

Put a comma instead of a period at the end of quotes unless it's the end of the sentence.

"So," he said.

not

"So." he said.

 

Watch for capitalization in general.

 

That was a screw up on my end, sorry.

 

Can you space your story out?

 

It's so difficult to read. D:

 

That's what I said. /:

[:^)]

Plus half of your pokemon seem made up and we have no idea what they look like.

 

I'm skeptical that Zeo's leg was attacked by a giant beaver the size of snorlax but there you go.

 

That was my leg not Zeo's....

[Nexev]

You are the same person.

 

If I can't figure out what you look like I get to make it up on my own.

 

Your like siamese.

[Banzai]

legend story Cindy

[Kaisu]

Gah. Text wall, capitalization.grammatical errors, and more. Also, no description, so yeah.

 

It's kinda dull tbh.

[Weather Report - Stand]

The REAL question here is "why haven't there been any new chapters in almost a month now, even after writing such a short chapter?" Or "how come they haven't edited any of their mistakes in almost a month now?" Just my opinion.

 

I also think that your humor needs some work here. Your jokes, mostly stemming from video games, and the idiocy of your characters somehow reminds me of the infamous "Iruka-Sensei's One Piece Abridged". You know what I'm talking about. Yelling out how "this adventure is about some kids trying to find magic rings and held Sonic the Hedgehog" is reminiscent of "HEY DO A BARREL ROLL!!" You guys should both work on that, since it makes the story feel stale.

 

Also, I FROWN UPON anything using not-very-well-thought-up-of-fakemons! FROWN WITH INTENSE DISTASTE!! You shouldn't listen to those two sentences at all, but you SHOULD try to go for more original ideas than "Splinosh" and "Flamao". That's just gibbrish; I don't NEED to look at them to understand how on-the-spot THEY are!

 

So, um, yeah, try a bit harder now and watch the good comments roll in later. BUT UNTIL THEN...

[Banzai]

The REAL question here is "why haven't there been any new chapters in almost a month now' date=' even after writing such a short chapter?" Or "how come they haven't edited any of their mistakes in almost a month now?" Just my opinion.

 

I also think that your humor needs some work here. Your jokes, mostly stemming from video games, and the idiocy of your characters somehow reminds me of the infamous "Iruka-Sensei's One Piece Abridged". You know what I'm talking about. Yelling out how "this adventure is about some kids trying to find magic rings and held Sonic the Hedgehog" is reminiscent of "HEY DO A BARREL ROLL!!" You guys should both work on that, since it makes the story feel stale.

 

Also, I FROWN UPON anything using not-very-well-thought-up-of-fakemons! FROWN WITH INTENSE DISTASTE!! You shouldn't listen to those two sentences at all, but you SHOULD try to go for more original ideas than "Splinosh" and "Flamao". That's just gibbrish; I don't NEED to look at them to understand how on-the-spot THEY are!

 

So, um, yeah, try a bit harder now and watch the good comments roll in later. [b']BUT UNTIL THEN...[/b]

why do you have too hate everyones Fan Fics why if your going to make a comment pls make a constructive one:x

[Weather Report - Stand]

The REAL question here is "why haven't there been any new chapters in almost a month now' date=' even after writing such a short chapter?" Or "how come they haven't edited any of their mistakes in almost a month now?" Just my opinion.

 

I also think that your humor needs some work here. Your jokes, mostly stemming from video games, and the idiocy of your characters somehow reminds me of the infamous "Iruka-Sensei's One Piece Abridged". You know what I'm talking about. Yelling out how "this adventure is about some kids trying to find magic rings and held Sonic the Hedgehog" is reminiscent of "HEY DO A BARREL ROLL!!" You guys should both work on that, since it makes the story feel stale.

 

Also, I FROWN UPON anything using not-very-well-thought-up-of-fakemons! FROWN WITH INTENSE DISTASTE!! You shouldn't listen to those two sentences at all, but you SHOULD try to go for more original ideas than "Splinosh" and "Flamao". That's just gibbrish; I don't NEED to look at them to understand how on-the-spot THEY are!

 

So, um, yeah, try a bit harder now and watch the good comments roll in later. [b']BUT UNTIL THEN...[/b]

why do you have too hate everyones Fan Fics why if your going to make a comment pls make a constructive one:x

 

Looks like someone's trolling! *waggles finger*

[:^)]

The REAL question here is "why haven't there been any new chapters in almost a month now' date=' even after writing such a short chapter?" Or "how come they haven't edited any of their mistakes in almost a month now?" Just my opinion. [b']Because we have a Life, Try it some time.[/b]

 

I also think that your humor needs some work here. Your jokes, mostly stemming from video games, and the idiocy of your characters somehow reminds me of the infamous "Iruka-Sensei's One Piece Abridged". That was an Awesome Abridged.

You know what I'm talking about. Yelling out how "this adventure is about some kids trying to find magic rings and held Sonic the Hedgehog" is reminiscent of "HEY DO A BARREL ROLL!!" You guys should both work on that, since it makes the story feel stale. I havn't talked to Zeo that much since this was posted...

 

Also, I FROWN UPON anything using not-very-well-thought-up-of-fakemons! FROWN WITH INTENSE DISTASTE!! You shouldn't listen to those two sentences at all, but you SHOULD try to go for more original ideas than "Splinosh" and "Flamao". That's just gibbrish; I don't NEED to look at them to understand how on-the-spot THEY are! I was working on it >_>

 

So, um, yeah, try a bit harder now and watch the good comments roll in later. BUT UNTIL THEN...

[Kaisu]

@Spyross - I lol'd. Siggehed.

 

Anyways, I agree with Weather on the fakemon.

[:^)]

@Spyross - I lol'd. Siggehed.

 

Anyways' date=' I agree with Weather on the fakemon.

[/quote']

 

I was but Zeo and I figured this died....

Then it was necrobumped.

 

NO EDITS WILL BE MADE!

NO NEW CHAPTERS WILL BE ADDED!In 2010

 

Just saying this now.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Dah, okay, it makes sense now. Well, good luck on your next project.

[CrabHelmet]

The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

Let's begin with chapter one.

 

Chapter 1

 

So far, so good. The lack of a title for the chapter is rather boring, but there's nothing really wrong. Seems like a great fic so far!

 

So, where is it set?

 

The Story begins in the Kanto, wait no... Uhh, Hoenn? No uhh, Sinnoh! No the Chikoro Region.

 

And suddenly the flying start we had from the chapter title is brought to an abrupt halt by flying directly into a cliff face. Is this stupidity supposed to be funny or something?

 

In a town called Circol Town. The town of Circle Buildings,

 

Oh, I get it! It's called "Circol" Town because the buildings are "Circles"! Isn't that the cleverest thing you've ever heard?

 

No.

 

Still, at least we've actually established the name of the setting, unless the authors suddenly change their minds again and decide that we're really in Johto. (Incidentally, the fact that two separate authors both said "Yeah, this fanfic is good, let's go post it on the internet" just makes everything here even worse than it already is.)

 

and the Lab of the Pokemon Professor, Professor Willow. Professor Willow was an extremley smart man,

 

I'm fairly sure most readers picked up on that when Willow was established as the local Professor Oak clone. Or is this "Chikoro" place so messed up that its professors are all morons?

 

and was about 50 Years old when the town was founded. And the town was founded... How long ago?

 

I don't know. How long ago?

 

Oh well. That's not the point. The point is that there are two heroes from Circol Town named Cindy and Zeo who are on the Quest to find the Magical Rings and help Sonic the Hedgehog, or something along those lines.

 

This is the part where I fell out of my chair.

 

Here, we can now see that this isn't just a bad Pokemon fanfic; rather, it is attempting to be a parody of a bad Pokemon fanfic, and yet it's still bloody awful. (Had I actually read the whole thing before starting to type this, I would have realized that in advance; mocking fanfics blind is a very dangerous task for experts only.) Bear in mind that the jokes so far consisted of "I'm the author and I don't know where the story takes place lolololol" and "Circol sounds like Circle geddit?", neither of which were remotely amusing, and this latest "gag" (in the sense that it made me gag) is just throwing down random words for supposedly comedic effect. This sort of random "humour" is rarely actually funny, and its use here is no exception to the general rule.

 

"Alright Cindy!

 

Llama potato Goku used thundershock!

 

...nope, random humour isn't working for me either.

 

Time to start our journey to be the best Pokemon Trainers ever!"An excited Zeo shouted, even though they hadn't even gotten their starter Pokemon yet.

 

See, guys, it's funny because he's getting ahead of himself, which makes him a sillyhead for being the sort of average, cocky, overexcited idiot that always seems to end up being the protagonist of shonen series. It isn't funny, especially the way it's delivered here, with the "even though" section pointing out his silliness, but at least the authors haven't made an absolutely unforgivable mistake like explaining the joke even further by explicitly stating that Zeo is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot.

 

It was obvious that he was the average, cocky, overexcited idiot.

 

See, guys, it's funny because I said they didn't do something and then they did it. This is called irony and it makes my commentary of this fanfic funny. That is why I am a funny person and you should all love me.

 

Anyhow, as much as this violates the golden rule of comedy - never explain your jokes, ever - it also betrays an underlying insecurity in our authors. After all, a competent writer could easily convey that someone is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot without saying so outright, so the fact that our authors felt the need to explicitly describe Zeo as an average yadda yadda yadda (despite previously being heavy-handed with displaying his average etceteraness) suggests that not even our authors think that they are competent writers.

 

And yet they still insisted on posting this.

 

"Ok Zeo, just don't jump into the Long Grass and get attacked by a Pokemon again." Giggled Cindy.

 

Cindy: "It was so hilarious last time when you stepped on a Charmander and it gave you third-degree burns that hospitalized you for three months! ^_^ You're such a sillyhead, Zero!"

 

"As long as we find Professor Willow, we can get our Pokemon!" Then Cindy sighed. "Unless they are all gone already. We're always the last ones in line, I just hope I get a Pokemon this year."

 

For some reason, in this world a Pokemon professor who studies Pokemon as a career only actually has a Pokemon at one time each year, and anyone who isn't one of the first in line, rather than being told to come back in a few days when the professor gets more in stock, must delay the beginning of their quest for an entire year. And this has apparently happened to Cindy and Zeo multiple times in the past - in a world where the beginning of a trainer's quest is decided by age.

 

So, Cindy and Zeo have been held back several years due to not being first in line - and apparently this happens to some people each year, since when one arrives doesn't change the fact that there are obviously more trainers than Pokemon.

 

Also, apparently everyone in this universe is a colossal moron for not camping outside Professor Willow's lab days in advance to make sure they're first in line (and thus won't be held back for years) as if the Nintendo Wii were just released.

 

Then Cindy stared into Zeo's eyes. For a moment, they seemed locked in a gaze of friendship and trust...

 

We have more of the "Tell, don't show" mistake here, but at least the romance is just mundanely bad, whereas the comedy is painfully bad.

 

And then they looked away.

 

Well, that trust was broken fairly quickly.

 

"Hehe, Last one to the Lab is a Rotten Togepi!" Cindy yelled as she started running to the Lab.

 

see guys its funny because togepis are eggs and oh screw it

 

"No fair! You get a head start!" Yelled Zeo as he chased after her. She better not be serious about that last Pokemon thing...

 

Astute readers will have noticed that there was no "last Pokemon thing" that Zeo could possibly have been referring to. The obvious explanation is that not even our authors can bear to read this story, but the truth is that Zeo is slowly going insane and has begin hallucinating.

 

He thought self consciously to himself when running. But then he smiled.

"Daw,

 

For those of you who have forgotten that Zeo is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot, our authors include a helpful reminder here by having him make a classic random idiot noise that is standard verbal shorthand for "I'm a moron".

 

what do I care? As long as we get a Pokemon, I'm happy!" Said Zeo.

"I want to get a Splinosh because the are so cute!" Cindy said and stopped quickly, almost tripping over. We have to go through long grass, oh no.

 

You'll note that there are no quotation marks around that last sentence. That's because that's actual narration, and our authors believe that, in order to finish writing this story, they themselves need to walk through long grass.

 

"Zeo I don't want to alarm you, but we have to go through Long Grass." Cindy said concerned. "We could go around it but it will take about five minutes and we might miss out. Do you want to take a risk?" Asked Cindy.

 

Why on earth were you two playing somewhere out past the long grass away from town when you needed to be in town at the lab very shortly and that being late would result in you being held back another year?

 

Incidentally, the "comedy" seems to have dried up lately, which makes me worry: are our authors actually serious about this trash?

 

"Risk? Pffft. I LIVE for danger!"

 

 

Zeo replied, immediately starting to run through the long grass. Completely oblivious to the dangers. "You comin'?."

 

A plea to aspiring writers: for the love of Charles Dickens, please do not include phrases like "Completely oblivious to the dangers" in your writing if you want it to be any good. Irony works by having a character do something and then having the opposite of the intended result occur, not by having a character do something and then having the author step in to say "Oh, by the way, readers, this character is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot, and what he's doing now is stupid, lolololol".

 

"Of course" Smiled Cindy as she chased after Zeo heading to the Lab. She didn't want to annoy any of the Pokemon in the Grass and she treaded slowly.

 

If you're going to walk, why not just run around the grass? It would probably take just as long. At the very least, just run through and hope anything you annoy will be too slow to catch you.

 

Really, is this supposed to be funny? I honestly can't tell if I'm reading a bad comedy or a bad adventure story. Either way, that should say something about this story's quality.

 

"Zeo!" Yelled Cindy as a Lidoof

 

A what?

 

Fortunately, since our authors are introducing a new Pokemon, I'm sure they will include a detailed description of oh who am I kidding.

 

jumped on her leg. "Ahh! Get it off! Get it off!" Cindy shook her leg in the air and fell over backwards.

"Get offa' her!" Zeo yelled at the Lidoof and he went up and literary

 

I call shenanigans. There's nothing literary about anything in this story.

 

tried to kick the poor thing. He was obviously out of his mind. The Lidoof ran away from Zeo.

 

Um, if his action had exactly the intended effect and solved the problem perfectly, then why would taking that action imply that he was out of his mind? I mean, we already know he's suffering from paranoid schizophrenia based on that hallucination from earlier, but that's not really relevant to this scene, unless he thought the Lidoof was really Satan or something.

 

"Thank you Zeo, but did you really need to kick it?" Asked Cindy. Cindy then pushed Zeo backwards and kept running towards the Lab.

"I'm going to make it first." Cindy yelled and giggled.

"Yes I had to kic-" He quickly turned around. "Hey!" He yelled as he started chasing her again. "I... will... beat... you... there...!" Zeo started gasping for air. Ironicly, he wasn't one to be able to run very long. "Uh... gimme a sec..." He stopped, trying to catch his breath. "Well I'll get in the lab and save you a Pokemon, OK?" Cindy winked at Zeo.

 

Our authors show that they have something vaguely resembling an understanding of irony - and then explicitly note the attempted irony, proving that they have no clue whatsoever how irony is actually used effectively.

 

Also, making fun of people for not having long-distance running stamina is very hit-or-miss. It works on Lelouch; it doesn't work on Zeo.

 

When she got to the Door of the Lab

 

Something about this Sentence seems rather Unusual, doesn't It?

 

she tried to open it and it was locked. Blasted Professor! Cindy knocked on the door. "Professor Willow!?" The Door opened up.

"Hello? Oh hello Cindy, why are you here?" Asked Professor Willow.

 

It's the one day of the year when Professor Willow gives out Pokemon, and Cindy and Zeo have tried to get Pokemon for several years now on this day. Bear in mind that Professor Willow is, according to the authors, "extremley" smart. Then again, he's also vaguely old, so maybe he's gone senile or is suffering from Alzheimer's. How tragic.

 

"Well Professor, my friend, Zeo and I came here to get our first Pokemon." said Cindy. We had to run through the Long Grass to get here.

 

The quotation marks are missing again here, and again it's around a sentence saying that "we" ran through Long Grass. Why is it always this sort of sentence? Do the authors think their self-inserts are not enough, and that they themselves need to personally run through some Long Grass to complete this story? If so, can we stop them from doing so to kill this story?

 

"Well I guess I could give you Pokemon, come on in." Said Professor Willow.

 

Professor Willow, being an extremley smart man, knows that these idiot kids will be terrible trainers, so he's reluctant.

 

"W-wait... P-professor..." Zeo had walked his way over to the lab doors, as he then fell onto the ground. "I would like a Pokemon pleaaaaase..." Zeo moaned as his face hit the ground. "This is my Friend, Zeo Professor." said Cindy as she giggled.

 

More comedy gold right here, folks. Make a note of that: People being exhausted = funny.

 

"Well hello Zeo. Which Pokemon would you two like then?" Asked Professor Willow.

"Ooh! Ooh! Could I get a Splinosh Professor?" Asked Cindy. "Of course you can." Said the Professor as he gave her the Pokeball.

"And you Zeo?" Asked the Professor.

"Flumao!" Zeo replied, still on the floor. "I LIKE Fire!" Zeo exclaimed as he got back up on his feet, perfectly fine.

 

As a paranoid schizophrenic, Zeo needs fire so he can burn down the forest to flesh out the CIA spies that are watching him there.

 

"Haha! Fair Enough Zeo, just try not to burn down any buildings now." Professor Willow joked

 

Authors, have you seen Zeo's characterization so far? He's an impulsive average-idiot-whatever-your-description-of-him-was whose first response to trouble is to employ direct physical violence and who hears voices that aren't there. That wasn't a joke.

 

as he handed Zeo the Pokeball. "Now you two, I have something really special to show you. This is called an Unreliable Pokemon Recorder, or a Pokedex, now, I want you two, to take one each and record every Pokemon you see, because us Professors know nothing about the Pokemon here in this region, because we are afraid of the Sunshine." Said Professor Willow.

 

It's like some sort of Pokemon Abridged thing, except it's not funny. Also, all professors are perfectly within their rights to have a crippling fear of the sunshine, considering what happened to Professor Oak when he ventured outside and the Tails Doll killed him.

 

"Yay! I've seen these on the TV. I cant believe I have one!" Screamed Cindy.

"Wait a minute." Zeo began as he took his own. "You're telling us to do your work because you guys are too scared or too lazy to go out and do it yourselves?" Zeo asked, obviously insulting them.

 

Instead of calling the authors out on bad writing here, I'm going to send a message to the readers instead: readers, the authors think you're so stupid that you need to be told that Zeo is insulting Professor Willow when he calls him a lazy coward. This is how stupid they think you are. (And they're probably right - anyone who could enjoy this probably is that stupid.)

 

"And you called this unreliable..." He added.

 

It's like a Chekhov's gun, but more obvious, and one that will mercifully never be fired if this story is discontinued.

 

Also, we know the Pokedexes are unreliable because they didn't give us any description whatsoever of the new starters.

 

"Calm down Zeo, we have our Pokemon, now lets leave." Said Cindy as she dragged Zeo out of the Lab. And doing so their Great adventure to save Star Fox from Wolf has begun.

 

and then goku punched superman zi britannia lololol

 

"Hey, hey, hey!" Zeo yelled. "This has NOTHING to do with Star Fox!" Zeo denied the narration.

 

And thus the story arrives at its unfunny fourth-wall-shattering conclusion with a confirmation that Zeo is hearing voices that aren't there. I knew it!

 

Tell us what you think.

 

I think I just did. Repeatedly.

 

I don't know whether this is an adventure or a comedy or what, but it's terrible at whatever it's trying to do and has no redeeming qualities. The fact that two people together still couldn't make something better is just pathetic.

[:^)]

The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately' date=' that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for [i']Foe Fiction[/i].

 

Let's begin with chapter one.

 

Chapter 1

 

So far, so good. The lack of a title for the chapter is rather boring, but there's nothing really wrong. Seems like a great fic so far!

 

So, where is it set?

 

The Story begins in the Kanto, wait no... Uhh, Hoenn? No uhh, Sinnoh! No the Chikoro Region.

 

And suddenly the flying start we had from the chapter title is brought to an abrupt halt by flying directly into a cliff face. Is this stupidity supposed to be funny or something?

 

In a town called Circol Town. The town of Circle Buildings,

 

Oh, I get it! It's called "Circol" Town because the buildings are "Circles"! Isn't that the cleverest thing you've ever heard?

 

No.

 

Still, at least we've actually established the name of the setting, unless the authors suddenly change their minds again and decide that we're really in Johto. (Incidentally, the fact that two separate authors both said "Yeah, this fanfic is good, let's go post it on the internet" just makes everything here even worse than it already is.)

 

and the Lab of the Pokemon Professor, Professor Willow. Professor Willow was an extremley smart man,

 

I'm fairly sure most readers picked up on that when Willow was established as the local Professor Oak clone. Or is this "Chikoro" place so messed up that its professors are all morons?

 

and was about 50 Years old when the town was founded. And the town was founded... How long ago?

 

I don't know. How long ago?

 

Oh well. That's not the point. The point is that there are two heroes from Circol Town named Cindy and Zeo who are on the Quest to find the Magical Rings and help Sonic the Hedgehog, or something along those lines.

 

This is the part where I fell out of my chair.

 

Here, we can now see that this isn't just a bad Pokemon fanfic; rather, it is attempting to be a parody of a bad Pokemon fanfic, and yet it's still bloody awful. (Had I actually read the whole thing before starting to type this, I would have realized that in advance; mocking fanfics blind is a very dangerous task for experts only.) Bear in mind that the jokes so far consisted of "I'm the author and I don't know where the story takes place lolololol" and "Circol sounds like Circle geddit?", neither of which were remotely amusing, and this latest "gag" (in the sense that it made me gag) is just throwing down random words for supposedly comedic effect. This sort of random "humour" is rarely actually funny, and its use here is no exception to the general rule.

 

"Alright Cindy!

 

Llama potato Goku used thundershock!

 

...nope, random humour isn't working for me either.

 

Time to start our journey to be the best Pokemon Trainers ever!"An excited Zeo shouted, even though they hadn't even gotten their starter Pokemon yet.

 

See, guys, it's funny because he's getting ahead of himself, which makes him a sillyhead for being the sort of average, cocky, overexcited idiot that always seems to end up being the protagonist of shonen series. It isn't funny, especially the way it's delivered here, with the "even though" section pointing out his silliness, but at least the authors haven't made an absolutely unforgivable mistake like explaining the joke even further by explicitly stating that Zeo is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot.

 

It was obvious that he was the average, cocky, overexcited idiot.

 

See, guys, it's funny because I said they didn't do something and then they did it. This is called irony and it makes my commentary of this fanfic funny. That is why I am a funny person and you should all love me.

 

Anyhow, as much as this violates the golden rule of comedy - never explain your jokes, ever - it also betrays an underlying insecurity in our authors. After all, a competent writer could easily convey that someone is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot without saying so outright, so the fact that our authors felt the need to explicitly describe Zeo as an average yadda yadda yadda (despite previously being heavy-handed with displaying his average etceteraness) suggests that not even our authors think that they are competent writers.

 

And yet they still insisted on posting this.

 

"Ok Zeo, just don't jump into the Long Grass and get attacked by a Pokemon again." Giggled Cindy.

 

Cindy: "It was so hilarious last time when you stepped on a Charmander and it gave you third-degree burns that hospitalized you for three months! ^_^ You're such a sillyhead, Zero!"

 

"As long as we find Professor Willow, we can get our Pokemon!" Then Cindy sighed. "Unless they are all gone already. We're always the last ones in line, I just hope I get a Pokemon this year."

 

For some reason, in this world a Pokemon professor who studies Pokemon as a career only actually has a Pokemon at one time each year, and anyone who isn't one of the first in line, rather than being told to come back in a few days when the professor gets more in stock, must delay the beginning of their quest for an entire year. And this has apparently happened to Cindy and Zeo multiple times in the past - in a world where the beginning of a trainer's quest is decided by age.

 

So, Cindy and Zeo have been held back several years due to not being first in line - and apparently this happens to some people each year, since when one arrives doesn't change the fact that there are obviously more trainers than Pokemon.

 

Also, apparently everyone in this universe is a colossal moron for not camping outside Professor Willow's lab days in advance to make sure they're first in line (and thus won't be held back for years) as if the Nintendo Wii were just released.

 

Then Cindy stared into Zeo's eyes. For a moment, they seemed locked in a gaze of friendship and trust...

 

We have more of the "Tell, don't show" mistake here, but at least the romance is just mundanely bad, whereas the comedy is painfully bad.

 

And then they looked away.

 

Well, that trust was broken fairly quickly.

 

"Hehe, Last one to the Lab is a Rotten Togepi!" Cindy yelled as she started running to the Lab.

 

see guys its funny because togepis are eggs and oh screw it

 

"No fair! You get a head start!" Yelled Zeo as he chased after her. She better not be serious about that last Pokemon thing...

 

Astute readers will have noticed that there was no "last Pokemon thing" that Zeo could possibly have been referring to. The obvious explanation is that not even our authors can bear to read this story, but the truth is that Zeo is slowly going insane and has begin hallucinating.

 

He thought self consciously to himself when running. But then he smiled.

"Daw,

 

For those of you who have forgotten that Zeo is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot, our authors include a helpful reminder here by having him make a classic random idiot noise that is standard verbal shorthand for "I'm a moron".

 

what do I care? As long as we get a Pokemon, I'm happy!" Said Zeo.

"I want to get a Splinosh because the are so cute!" Cindy said and stopped quickly, almost tripping over. We have to go through long grass, oh no.

 

You'll note that there are no quotation marks around that last sentence. That's because that's actual narration, and our authors believe that, in order to finish writing this story, they themselves need to walk through long grass.

 

"Zeo I don't want to alarm you, but we have to go through Long Grass." Cindy said concerned. "We could go around it but it will take about five minutes and we might miss out. Do you want to take a risk?" Asked Cindy.

 

Why on earth were you two playing somewhere out past the long grass away from town when you needed to be in town at the lab very shortly and that being late would result in you being held back another year?

 

Incidentally, the "comedy" seems to have dried up lately, which makes me worry: are our authors actually serious about this trash?

 

"Risk? Pffft. I LIVE for danger!"

 

 

Zeo replied, immediately starting to run through the long grass. Completely oblivious to the dangers. "You comin'?."

 

A plea to aspiring writers: for the love of Charles Dickens, please do not include phrases like "Completely oblivious to the dangers" in your writing if you want it to be any good. Irony works by having a character do something and then having the opposite of the intended result occur, not by having a character do something and then having the author step in to say "Oh, by the way, readers, this character is an average, cocky, overexcited idiot, and what he's doing now is stupid, lolololol".

 

"Of course" Smiled Cindy as she chased after Zeo heading to the Lab. She didn't want to annoy any of the Pokemon in the Grass and she treaded slowly.

 

If you're going to walk, why not just run around the grass? It would probably take just as long. At the very least, just run through and hope anything you annoy will be too slow to catch you.

 

Really, is this supposed to be funny? I honestly can't tell if I'm reading a bad comedy or a bad adventure story. Either way, that should say something about this story's quality.

 

"Zeo!" Yelled Cindy as a Lidoof

 

A what?

 

Fortunately, since our authors are introducing a new Pokemon, I'm sure they will include a detailed description of oh who am I kidding.

 

jumped on her leg. "Ahh! Get it off! Get it off!" Cindy shook her leg in the air and fell over backwards.

"Get offa' her!" Zeo yelled at the Lidoof and he went up and literary

 

I call shenanigans. There's nothing literary about anything in this story.

 

tried to kick the poor thing. He was obviously out of his mind. The Lidoof ran away from Zeo.

 

Um, if his action had exactly the intended effect and solved the problem perfectly, then why would taking that action imply that he was out of his mind? I mean, we already know he's suffering from paranoid schizophrenia based on that hallucination from earlier, but that's not really relevant to this scene, unless he thought the Lidoof was really Satan or something.

 

"Thank you Zeo, but did you really need to kick it?" Asked Cindy. Cindy then pushed Zeo backwards and kept running towards the Lab.

"I'm going to make it first." Cindy yelled and giggled.

"Yes I had to kic-" He quickly turned around. "Hey!" He yelled as he started chasing her again. "I... will... beat... you... there...!" Zeo started gasping for air. Ironicly, he wasn't one to be able to run very long. "Uh... gimme a sec..." He stopped, trying to catch his breath. "Well I'll get in the lab and save you a Pokemon, OK?" Cindy winked at Zeo.

 

Our authors show that they have something vaguely resembling an understanding of irony - and then explicitly note the attempted irony, proving that they have no clue whatsoever how irony is actually used effectively.

 

Also, making fun of people for not having long-distance running stamina is very hit-or-miss. It works on Lelouch; it doesn't work on Zeo.

 

When she got to the Door of the Lab

 

Something about this Sentence seems rather Unusual, doesn't It?

 

she tried to open it and it was locked. Blasted Professor! Cindy knocked on the door. "Professor Willow!?" The Door opened up.

"Hello? Oh hello Cindy, why are you here?" Asked Professor Willow.

 

It's the one day of the year when Professor Willow gives out Pokemon, and Cindy and Zeo have tried to get Pokemon for several years now on this day. Bear in mind that Professor Willow is, according to the authors, "extremley" smart. Then again, he's also vaguely old, so maybe he's gone senile or is suffering from Alzheimer's. How tragic.

 

"Well Professor, my friend, Zeo and I came here to get our first Pokemon." said Cindy. We had to run through the Long Grass to get here.

 

The quotation marks are missing again here, and again it's around a sentence saying that "we" ran through Long Grass. Why is it always this sort of sentence? Do the authors think their self-inserts are not enough, and that they themselves need to personally run through some Long Grass to complete this story? If so, can we stop them from doing so to kill this story?

 

"Well I guess I could give you Pokemon, come on in." Said Professor Willow.

 

Professor Willow, being an extremley smart man, knows that these idiot kids will be terrible trainers, so he's reluctant.

 

"W-wait... P-professor..." Zeo had walked his way over to the lab doors, as he then fell onto the ground. "I would like a Pokemon pleaaaaase..." Zeo moaned as his face hit the ground. "This is my Friend, Zeo Professor." said Cindy as she giggled.

 

More comedy gold right here, folks. Make a note of that: People being exhausted = funny.

 

"Well hello Zeo. Which Pokemon would you two like then?" Asked Professor Willow.

"Ooh! Ooh! Could I get a Splinosh Professor?" Asked Cindy. "Of course you can." Said the Professor as he gave her the Pokeball.

"And you Zeo?" Asked the Professor.

"Flumao!" Zeo replied, still on the floor. "I LIKE Fire!" Zeo exclaimed as he got back up on his feet, perfectly fine.

 

As a paranoid schizophrenic, Zeo needs fire so he can burn down the forest to flesh out the CIA spies that are watching him there.

 

"Haha! Fair Enough Zeo, just try not to burn down any buildings now." Professor Willow joked

 

Authors, have you seen Zeo's characterization so far? He's an impulsive average-idiot-whatever-your-description-of-him-was whose first response to trouble is to employ direct physical violence and who hears voices that aren't there. That wasn't a joke.

 

as he handed Zeo the Pokeball. "Now you two, I have something really special to show you. This is called an Unreliable Pokemon Recorder, or a Pokedex, now, I want you two, to take one each and record every Pokemon you see, because us Professors know nothing about the Pokemon here in this region, because we are afraid of the Sunshine." Said Professor Willow.

 

It's like some sort of Pokemon Abridged thing, except it's not funny. Also, all professors are perfectly within their rights to have a crippling fear of the sunshine, considering what happened to Professor Oak when he ventured outside and the Tails Doll killed him.

 

"Yay! I've seen these on the TV. I cant believe I have one!" Screamed Cindy.

"Wait a minute." Zeo began as he took his own. "You're telling us to do your work because you guys are too scared or too lazy to go out and do it yourselves?" Zeo asked, obviously insulting them.

 

Instead of calling the authors out on bad writing here, I'm going to send a message to the readers instead: readers, the authors think you're so stupid that you need to be told that Zeo is insulting Professor Willow when he calls him a lazy coward. This is how stupid they think you are. (And they're probably right - anyone who could enjoy this probably is that stupid.)

 

"And you called this unreliable..." He added.

 

It's like a Chekhov's gun, but more obvious, and one that will mercifully never be fired if this story is discontinued.

 

Also, we know the Pokedexes are unreliable because they didn't give us any description whatsoever of the new starters.

 

"Calm down Zeo, we have our Pokemon, now lets leave." Said Cindy as she dragged Zeo out of the Lab. And doing so their Great adventure to save Star Fox from Wolf has begun.

 

and then goku punched superman zi britannia lololol

 

"Hey, hey, hey!" Zeo yelled. "This has NOTHING to do with Star Fox!" Zeo denied the narration.

 

And thus the story arrives at its unfunny fourth-wall-shattering conclusion with a confirmation that Zeo is hearing voices that aren't there. I knew it!

 

Tell us what you think.

 

I think I just did. Repeatedly.

 

I don't know whether this is an adventure or a comedy or what, but it's terrible at whatever it's trying to do and has no redeeming qualities. The fact that two people together still couldn't make something better is just pathetic.

 

Interesting...

 

Please explain what this Fan Fiction is that you speak of.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Heh, Crab Helmet reminds me of me before I got too involved in writing my own fan fic to review others! Like Daily News. And occasionally Kainine Kaisu... and KendoFish... WHAT HAVE I SPAWNED?! So anyways, I have nothing intellectually stimulating to add.

[Twig]

Heh' date=' Crab Helmet reminds me of me before I got too involved in writing my own fan fic to review others! Like Daily News. And occasionally Kainine Kaisu... and KendoFish... WHAT HAVE I SPAWNED?! So anyways, I have nothing intellectually stimulating to add.

[/quote']

 

Apparently, I haven't done enough to be noticed. Yes, I used to do that, too. This guy named Supreme Commander or something did something similar except he used characters as narrators.

 

So anyways, I have nothing intellectually stimulating to add. (I was too lazy to make my own sentence)

[Guest Zeonark]

I love how we both left this to die, yet people still come for +1 Post Count.

 

Guys, I don't even think we're still writing this.