El Make Posted April 5, 2010 Report Share Posted April 5, 2010 Alright, this is my first fanfic. And as a Narutard it is my duty to do what most people hate: Make Naruto Cards, join Naruto Clubs, join Naruto RPs, and make Naruto Fanfics! [spoiler=Setting] 500 years have passed since Madara's defeat (that means Naruto and Sasuke are dead for all of those who hate math). The Hidden Sand Village has few allies, and assassins lurk in the shadows. The Tailed Beasts have been sealed away into jars which are held in the secret lair of The Keepers (a cult that guards the great power). This is that story of a boy (yes, a boy...) who will face many obstacles and internal battles. And he is the 9 tailed jinchuriki! .......... Sorry, couldn't resist..... But no, he's not a jinchuriki. [spoiler=Prolouge, The Introduction]Tenkai Kuroko, at the tender age of 7, was different from the other boys in the Ninja Academy around his age. He was in love. While his friends feared, terrorized, and ran from girls, he had his heart soaring through the clouds. It happened on an early summer morning, a slight breeze was kicking up dust from the surrounding desert on the village outskirts. Tenkai wanted nothing more than to become a Jonin, a highly respected and skilled ninja. All his friends wanted to be Kazekage or a legend, but Tenkai cast these wishes aside because they were nothing but delusions. To dream of becoming Kazekage, is one of the greatest idiocies of all time! His grandfather had once told him, Thinking you can accomplish what most cannot is foolish, for normally you are probably weaker than them. Combined with the fact he was barely passing in the Academy, Tenkai knew he had no shot at Kazekage. He saw realistically, predicting the obvious results of other’s actions and almost always being right. Up until this day he had always been right but he was about to be proven wrong. As he jogged towards the Sand Village’s gate, panting after his daily run, he spotted a couple walking on the path leading to the gate. “Weird, considering that our security has been beefed up after the accident…” Tenkai mumbled. Only a month before now a spy from the Rock Village had posed as a traveler and snuck in. While everyone was asleep the spy had placed paper bombs in the Kazekage’s office, setting them off as the Kazekage sat down to work on some financial documents. Since then the Sand had prohibited outsiders that weren’t from the Leaf Village, their only trustworthy ally at the time. As he moved forward, the boy noticed that they weren’t from the Leaf. The couple bore Mist Village headbands, and Tenkai instantly shrunk into the shadows. He stood there and watched the couple move towards the gate while his heartbeat slowed. Tenkai knew he wouldn’t have to worry; the security at the entrance would turn them away, but for some reason they kept moving, shaking hands with the guards as they passed. CONSPIRACY! Tenkai focused all the charka he could manage into his feet, blasting off the ground in one mighty leap. He soared through the air, landing on the wall and running upward at a 90 degree angle. He could never manage this technique in class, but somehow thinking that his village was in danger made him better. The guards are in on it, I should have seen this coming! I have to warn our acting Kazekage before it’s too late! Tenkai reached the top of the wall and jumped, slicing through the air at an approaching building. “Crap.” Tenkai slammed into the building, his face 2 feet from the top where he would have skidded to a stop. He felt himself falling, a sinking feeling that a 7 year old shouldn’t know creeping into his mind. The feeling of defeat, failure, and loss. He had failed his village at such a young age already… he would never become a Jonin. As he waited for the ground to crash into his back, his eyes slowly closed and darkness filled his vision. ………………………………………….. Am…….. I dead? I sure feel like it…… wait, I….. I hear….. my parents? Have they reached heaven too? Were they killed by the couple? Is…… it…… my….. fault? As he opened his eyes, the last thing Tenkai wanted to see was that couple from the Mist. And of course, chatting with his parents were the demonic couple. He could imagine them plotting right now, playing innocent and waiting to kill his parents. No, I can’t fail…… I have to save them!!!!! Tenkai jumped to his feet, immediately taking in his surroundings. He was in a small hospital room with small furniture and a tray of uneaten food on the nightstand beside his hospital bed. Throwable items such as vases and cups were on the enemy’s side, so he had to take his chance now. Tenkai lunged off the bed and stretched his arms out in front of him, closing in on the Mist Village woman. His father looked up and gasped, yelling for him to stop but Tenkai had reached the line of no return and passed it. The woman spun around and yelled, when suddenly the Mist Village man stepped in front of her and caught Tenkai’s wrist. Gah! I’m finished! But instead of the crushing blow he was expecting, Tenkai stared in awe as the man swung his arm while grappling Tenkai’s wrist, guiding him in a circle as he lost momentum. The man jutted his leg out, let go of Tenkai, caught Tenkai on the heels with his leg, which led to the Academy Student landing softly on the bed where the boy scratched his head. Tenkai’s mother ran over to him, cradling him in his arms and softly speaking. “Mom, why didn’t those people kill me? They’re from the Mist…” Tenkai stared at the couple in bewilderment, not only had they spared him but spared his family as well. His father entered Tenkai’s sight and sighed loudly. “Young man, that was some rash thinking you just did. These nice people are NOT here to kill our villagers, but to HELP them. The man is named Laumon Yamata, and the woman is Sangya Yamata. Yes, they are from the Mist Village. The Sand Village recently offered a deal to the Mist, asking for an Academy Student who showed potential in return for one of their Chunin we captured. Laumon and Sangya are the parents of this child, and are now residents of the Sand… understood?” Tenkai nodded his head slowly, relief and embarrassment flooding into his mind. His parents wouldn’t be killed, but he tried to attack a Sand Village resident. He felt his cheeks flush and looked down. “So, where is this Academy star boy?” Tenkai mumbled, to embarrassed to speak up. The couple laughed and were about to say something when the door handle clicked and the door slowly opened. The voice that came into the room was not male, but one belonging to a small girl. “Mother, father… may I come in?” The voice was shy and sounded almost scared, Tenkai watched the door intently. Why would the Sand want a spineless girl for a Chunin? “Yes dear, come on in. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Sangya replied. The door opened completely and Tenkai’s eyes widened in amazement. Standing in the doorway was, to his 7 year old mind, was nothing short of a goddess. The girl’s hair was a deep shade of brown, landing in curls on her small shoulders. Her eyes sparkled with an unexpected determination, only enhancing their deep blueness Tenkai mused. His mind seemed to overload with a feeling he couldn’t place, but it wasn’t love yet. The girl shuffled forward and clasped her hands behind her back. “Hi, my name is Saki Yamata: the new Academy Student for the Sand Village.” …………………………………………….. And 1 year later is were our little Tenkai stands now. His hand clasped around a daisy he had just picked for Saki, trying to get the guts to walk over to her and give her the flower. A drop of sweat appeared on his forehead, quickly wiped away by his free hand. Tenkai summoned all of his might and took a step towards her. Then another. And another. He kept going until he finally reached her, where he gently tapped on Saki’s shoulder. “The Goddess” turned around and smiled as she noticed who it was. Since that day in the hospital, the two had become close friends that always hung out. That’s how he fell in love, her personality was undeniable. “Is that flower for me Tenkai? All the guys here are too snotty to give a girl a flower.” “Yeah, I saw it out in a desert oasis and thought of you. I know you love flowers because they’re so rare in our village.” He held out the flower, and she took it with a smile on her face. She inhaled the aroma of the flower and laughed. They talked a short while but Saki had to leave, and as Tenkai watched her walk away into the afternoon sunshine, he wondered: Is this what love feels like? I wonder if this bond will ever break? Does she love me back? 8 years later, he would find out the answer to his questions. [spoiler=Chapter 1, Amnesia!]As he opened his eyes, Tenkai Kuroko noticed that the sun was high into the sky, signifying that it was already noon… and that he had somehow fallen asleep on a sand dune. His muscles ached for some reason, and his grey hooded-sweatshirt had a long tear running down the length of his arm. His hand reached for the necklace dangling from the branch of a dried out shrub, something he couldn’t lose. Tenkai had received the necklace as a present from Saki, his “true love”. He always remembered that day clearly with perfect accuracy. Tenkai had just come home from his first mission as a Genin, which ended in failure. His squad had been sent out to retrieve a scroll for some old bag, and he had dropped it in a river. As the depressed Genin placed his foot on the first step leading to his front door, he heard a laugh from above. “Well, I hear the mission didn’t go so well.” Saki said as she walked down the side of the wall using perfect charka control. When she reached the bottom, Saki dug her hand into her pocket and pulled out a silver chain necklace with a flame symbol inserted between 2 of the links. “It’s a good luck charm my father gave me.” Saki proclaimed, handing it to Tenkai, “With this you’ll never fail a mission again.” Tenkai plucked the necklace from the dead plant and locked it around his neck. As he crouched forward he looked around, spotting a few shuriken lodged in a hollow tree trunk. So a fight took place… like I didn’t know that already! The young teenager stood up slowly, continuing to scan the area. His eyes locked onto a half-burnt paper bomb, and instantly Tenkai’s memory flared to life. He had been returning from a solo mission, a request made from the Leaf. His mission was clear: meet up with a squad of Leaf shinobi, accept a coded scroll, and return it to the Kazekage. But of course, other countries wanted to know what this exchange was about, and there’s always a spy to let some info leak. Knowing this, Tenkai wanted to appear as a natural traveler so only minor theft threats came his way. While preparing for his mission, Tenkai had sported his normal attire: A grey hoodie with a pocket on each side at arms length, a pair of worn-out blue jeans, a rugged backpack filled with food, water, and supplies, and his necklace. He had stored his headband and weapons pouch in his backpack, now looking nothing like a shinobi. To make sure he wasn’t recognized by people other than the Leaf squad, he had combed his normally matted black hair and made it nice and neat. After that, he had straightened it back, making him appear as a normal teenager. Of course, due to all these changes the Leaf shinobi were unwilling to hand him the information because of his lack of a headband and ninja look. After some arguing and tests, Tenkai was permitted the scroll and began his trek home. As he was nearing the desert that surrounded the Sand Village, he landed on the last patch of grass before that wasteland of sand. Tenkai reached into a hidden pocket in his jeans, grabbing the lone kunai that was concealed within it. He spun around and pulled his arm back in one rapid motion, arching his arm across his body while releasing the kunai. The small knife soared through the air at a tree, landing with a soft thud when hitting its target. “Not bad for a passerby… or should I say Sand shinobi?” A tall man wearing a Rock Village headband appeared from behind the tree that the kunai was lodged in. As Tenkai had expected, the shinobi made no attempt to hide his identity: sporting full ninja attire with scrolls hanging from his waist. He also had slick green hair that seemed darker than it was in the shade of the receding forest. The ninja reached into his weapons pouch and produced some shuriken. “So, you knew I was a shinobi, eh?” Tenkai grumbled as he slid his backpack off his shoulders and pulled out a leather pouch, “I was expecting at least one adversary on my mission, looks like I was right! Rock Village… Of course your village would try to obtain the information.” The enemy ninja chuckled, bringing back his arm, “So the Sand still holds a grudge, eh? Well… let us make that grudge bigger!” The man whipped his arm forward, sending a volley of shuriken at Tenkai. Tenkai rapidly opened the leather pouch and reached inside. Grabbing what he needed, he pulled 2 knife-like objects out of the pouch and slipped his hands through the handles the weapons provided. As the shuriken neared at an alarming rate, Tenkai brought his left arm around his right side and suddenly pulled it across his body in a wide arc. Shuriken clattered off of the weapon and landed harmlessly into the ground. Taking a step back, the enemy reached for one of his scrolls hanging from his waist, “A close range fighter, so Intel was right. Of course they sent a long range specialist like me to handle a Chunin with chakra knives. There aren’t many shinobi that still use those weapons… allow me, Daven of the Rock Village, to show you why!” Daven tore a seal from the scroll and took the flap hanging from the scroll’s side, pulling on it which opened it. Biting his finger, the man ran his bleeding digit across the writing contained within his scroll, making dots along the line repeatedly. Now’s my chance! Tenkai rushed charka to his hands, funneling it into the chakra knives. Having them enhanced, he dashed forward; centering his chakra at in the soles of his feet which allowed him to bounce of trees and quickly approach Daven. Tenkai jumped and landed in a squatting position 10 yards from his opponent, using as much strength as he could to jet forward off the ground, chakra exploding from his feet. “Fell for it!” Daven yelled. With blood stroked and dotted all over the scroll, his hands clasped together in a handsign. Smoke erupted from the ground around him, covering the surrounding area. Tenkai sliced through the smoke, nearing his target. His momentum couldn’t be stopped; he was hurtling through the air at an increasing rate. The teenage Chunin suddenly found himself clear of the smoke and in a small opening. Tenkai’s eyes widened and he instantly wished he had been more cautious. “What is that thing!?” [spoiler=Chapter 2, The Price To Pay]“Hahahahahahaha, like my jutsu!?” Daven stood behind a large wall made of interlocking chains. The barricade spread out in an even square, projecting 20 feet across and top to bottom. It floated in mid air with various ninja tools attached to the chains every few inches. “Crap, my momentum will carry me right into that thing! I’ll be sliced to bits… I have one shot at this!” Tenkai drew his arms back in a wide “X” across his body, pouring as much chakra as possible into his weapons. As the wall neared him, Tenkai felt his chakra store draining to a minimum; it was his only shot at life. “Trying to slash through my defenses, huh?” Daven said with a laugh, “Sorry to disappoint you boy, but this way is a special jutsu of mine. I call it my Razor Barricade, because as soon as you hit it… it’s over. But I knew people would see the flaw and slash their way through it, so I infused the chains with my chakra. If you want to get past them you’ll have to hit it with more chakra than I’ve stored in them… Impossible because I’ve stored more chakra in these chains than a Kage has.” “I never got why villains explain their strategy, it gives me the upper edge,” Tenkai grumbled. Reaching his limit, he cut the flow of chakra and stored the rest for later. Now nearly upon of the wall, Tenkai closed his eyes and focused. Opening them he roared, “Chakra Knife Technique: X Slash!” Bringing his arms in an arc, Tenkai pulled both of them to their adjacent side which formed an “X”. But, the “X” only completed halfway; the chakra knives collided with the wall, creating a clash of metal and chakra. Tenkai watched as the chakra in his weapons decreased, but he couldn’t see any difference in the wall! “It’s over boy, I’ll be taking that scroll soon,” Daven chuckled. He made a few handsigns and smirked, “Ninja Art: Grapple Iron!” As he said the words, chains from the corners of the wall shot out and wrapped around Tenkai. Locking the grip on him, the chains swung back and up, creating a swing-set out of the jutsu. This is bad! He’ll swing me right down into the chain at high speed… Please let me have damaged it enough! The chains yanked at Tenkai, sending him hurtling for the spot he had weakened. Raising his arms above his head, Tenkai brought the chakra knives down hard on the wall, seeing the last of their chakra evaporate. That was it. He was out of chakra, with sharp ninja tools inches from piercing him. As he prepared to die, his chakra knives caught on one of the chains, cutting it like butter. Tenkai knew this was his only chance; turning the weapons horizontal, he sliced the chains across in a swift motion and turned the chakra knives vertical again, thrusting upward. With a sideways “I” with a vertical slash through it made out of the chains, Tenkai slipped through it with only a katana tearing his sleeve. Tenkai quickly slashed through the chains holding him and rolled onto the ground. Daven gaped in awe, not accepting that his jutsu was beaten. Yet as Tenkai looked up at the man he was surprised to see a smile form on the man’s face. Daven jumped back some feet and clapped his hands together. “Now,” He said, “You will know why I am a long range specialist! Ninja Art: Shrapnel Blitz.” Tenkai heard multiple clicks behind him, and as he wheeled around to see what it was, he instantly saw his fears were confirmed. The wall of chains de-linked around the ninja tools, leaving kunais, shurikens, windmill shurikens, spiked bombs, katanas, and various other weapons hovering in mid air. As the frightened Chunin watched, the tools rotated to face him and he heard an icy laugh resonate behind him. “Now you realize, I could have killed you when I first activated the jutsu,” Daven explained coolly, “But I wanted to see the extent of the Sand’s power. To hold such information with a weak Chunin is pathetic, so I was assigned to 1. Capture the scroll, and 2. See why they picked this teenager for an important mission. From the looks of it, the Sand Village’s skill has deteriorated… NOW DIE!” The weapons seemed to explode towards Tenkai at amazing speed. Tenkai’s grey eyes saw death flying at him and he knew he had no other choice but to use his ability. With a sense of dread over him, the Chunin closed his eyes for a few moments and snapped them open. His eyes were now that of a Sharingan, but instead of a deep red there was a dark gold filling his eyes. No tomoe were present, but black diamond-shaped pupil was surrounded by a dark ring. “This is my Kekkei Genkai, the Raikegan!” Tenkai’s body distorted and became fuzzy, soon seeming to disappear into thin air. Daven watched in amazement as it did evaporate into thin air, leaving the massive amount of weapons to thud against the ground. As the Rock shinobi scanned the area for his enemy, Tenkai raced through the desert a quarter mile away. “Damn it! I’ll never make it back home without having to face him again… and after using my Raikegan’s special ability,” Tenkai said between breaths, “I’m a sitting duck. My Raikegan allows me to transport myself up to a quarter mile from my last position, but even transporting the distance of a few feet takes lots of energy. And when traveling a large distance, normally you focus and focus until you have a clear vision of where you must go. But today I went a quarter mile on a whim, for all I know I could be dead… I’ll probably faint in about-” Tenkai stopped short and fell to his knees, covering his eyes with his hands. His entire body felt like it was on fire, and his eyes threatened to explode under the extreme pressure. Feeling consciousness slip away, Tenkai grabbed the scroll from his backpack and dug a shallow hole in the sand. After placing it in the meager hiding place and covering it up, he closed his eyes. With nothing but darkness awaiting, Tenkai Kuroko slipped into an unconscious state, only to be awoken an hour later by a hand grabbing his neck. [spoiler=Chapter 4, Return of Failure]Tenkai’s hands reached for the hand grappling his neck, trying to yank it off. His eyes opened slightly and he saw Daven rummaging through his pockets looking for the scroll. Daven emitted an evil chuckle and looked into Tenkai’s eyes. “Now I know why you were chosen. That Kekkei Genkai of yours would allow you to escape any imprisonment or situation. But… at a cost,” Daven said. The Rock shinobi, still holding Tenkai by the neck, pulled out a kunai from his weapons pouch, “Now tell me, where is the damn scroll? I’ve wasted enough chakra on a punk like you, so I’ll make this simple.” “Your village can rot for the rest of eternity for all I care! You’ll never get that scroll!” Tenkai screamed into Daven’s face. In his current position, all Tenkai had to do was kick up some sand to reveal the scroll, and if Daven made a move the sand would shift and it would be over. “Ungrateful scum, I’ll turn the sand red with your blood!” Daven gripped the kunai tight and swung his arm at Tenkai’s stomach. The metal pierced the teenager’s flesh, creating a small flow of blood from his abdomen. Tenkai winced at the pain but remained calm, the last thing he needed was to look like a fool. Feeling his mind slip away from suffocation and wound, Tenkai let go of Daven’s arms, pulling his fist back and ramming it into the man’s nose. Daven recoiled in pain, a waterfall of red oozing from his broken nose. “AAHHHH! You’ll pay for-” The shinobi was cut off as a foot smashed into his face, making him reel away from Tenkai. Daven ignored the pain of his wound and stood up, reaching for a second scroll and opening it. Using his blood, Daven made 3 dots on the scroll and immediately made a handsign, “Ninja Art: Iron Dimension!” Metal chains erupted from the ground, coming together at a high focal point in the sky. The mass of chains bundled together and formed a giant wrecking ball, swinging down at Tenkai with incredible speed. Tenkai noticed that a single chain was held by Daven, and a plan formulated in his mind. “Guess I have to use jutsu…” Tenkai flashed his hands in various handsigns and drew his head back, “Lightning Style: Dragon Fang!” The Chunin arched his head towards the rapidly succeeding chains, opening his mouth. A ball of light appeared in front of his mouth, growing to the size of his head. Suddenly, the ball shot at the chains, spreading out and forming a barricade against the metal. The ball collided with the barricade, but the lightning jutsu stopped it from coming further. Now you learn why it’s called Dragon Fang! Tenkai leaned forward and pointed 2 fingers at the collision, a spark of electricity forming on the tip of both fingers. The spark shot out in a continuous stream of electricity and connected with the chains, surging down the line of metal. The sparks raced underground, reappearing on the chain Daven was holding which transmitted the charge into his body. “AAAAAGGGHH!” Daven’s body surged with electricity until he finally let go of the metal, canceling his jutsu. The chains disappeared and Tenkai cut off his attack, still exhausted from his Raikegan’s teleport. “You should have known I controlled the lightning element… guess Intel wasn’t willing to give that up?” Tenkai chuckled as he knew victory was his. No shinobi could survive that flow of lightning through his body, unless that person was using it as a base for an attack. Tenkai’s eyes widened as his mind dawned on the truth. Looking at Daven now, he realized that his nose was completely healed. It can’t be! That means- “Intel did give me that information, brat. As if I’d fall for a meager trick like yours…” Tenkai’s vision went fuzzy as the necklace around his neck was pulled back, choking him with something he held dear. Behind his, Daven chuckled and rubbed his bandaged nose, dried blood smearing his face. Tenkai was on the verge on unconsciousness when the pull released and the necklace was pulled off of him. He turned around to see Daven toss it at a dead shrub and pick up… the scroll! Tenkai reacted on instinct and dove for the scroll, in return getting a kick under his chin. The Chunin rolled away and watched through closing eyes as the enemy pocketed the scroll and turned away. Struggling to his knees, Tenkai pulled out a few shuriken and tossed them at Daven. But he was far too weak; the shuriken sailed off and thumped into a dead log. The Rock shinobi turned around and pulled out a bomb kunai, flinging it at Tenkai’s face. Metal clashed against metal as Tenkai blocked the kunai with his own, making it land in the dirt next to him. Reaching his hand out, the Chunin shoved the paper bomb into the sand and extinguishing it. His life momentarily saved, Tenkai fell onto his back. The last thing Tenkai saw was the sand blowing into his face… and then blackness. ……………………………………….. As he remembered the last bit, Tenkai Kuroko noted that his sweatshirt front was caked with dried blood. He struggled to his feet and began to limp for his backpack which held his medical supplies. After he was bandaged up, Tenkai began to jog off into the desert towards the sand. There’s no way I can take him on in my current state. I’ll need help and to be properly healed… Saki’s away on a mission, our finest medical ninja. That leaves… The Chunin kept jogging, then began to sprint, needing to make it back as quickly as possible. Tenkai thought about using his Raikegan, but he knew that even activating it would paralyze his body. After a while, the Hidden Sand Village came into view and Tenkai could spot a few ninja standing guard on the high walls. His wound aching, Tenkai sped up as he felt fresh blood begin to creep down his shirt. As he neared the Village Gate some Sand shinobi stopped and waved at the familiar silhouette of Tenkai. But when he reached the gate, they rushed over to him as they saw the blood and cuts he bore. “What happened?”, “The scroll! Where is it!?”, and “TENKAIIIIIII! Are you okay?” were yelled by the villagers, but seemed to slip through Tenkai’s mind. The Chunin kept going, flying through the village as blood tainted the sand beneath his feet. Pushing through the throng of onlookers, Tenkai made his way to the Kazekage’s office. Pushing past the guards he barged into a room filled with plants and sunlight. Sitting at a desk covered with paperwork was the Kazekage. “Lord Kazekage! I have to tell you something immediately!” Tenkai yelled as he charged the desk. A man with blond hair, looking to be in his late 30s, peered up from a pile of documents at the sweat covered teen in front of him. “Tenkai, what happened to you? What about the scroll!?” The man pushed away from the desk and hopped over it, his blue robe flapping due to the sudden motion. The Kazekage landed on the floor and ran to Tenkai, grabbing his shoulders and looking into his eyes, “At least tell me… who?” “Rock Village… I was attacked by a Rock Village shinobi… skilled in summoning metal based contraptions… Raikegan used at maximum potential to escape… scroll has been lost,” Tenkai struggled to get out. The blood loss was too much, and Tenkai slumped to the ground and heard his name being yelled. The world swirled around him, voices raced through his mind, and his vision went fuzzy. Tenkai finally awoke in the hospital bed he had been in 8 years ago with the sun shining through the windows. This time, however, instead of Saki’s parents and his own, he saw the Kazekage steadily pacing the room. The man noticed Tenkai was awake and rushed over to him, his green eyes locking onto Tenkai’s grey ones. “Kazekage, has a tracking squad been sent out yet?” “Yes Tenkai, the information you gave me was enough. I’ve just received word we’re on the man’s trail. Is there any other information you can give us?” The Kazekage’s green eyes pleaded for more info, anything to help. Tenkai closed his eyes and reopened them, staring out the window. “His name was Daven… that’s all I know,” Tenkai looked back to see the Kazekage suddenly taken aback. The man got up and paced the room, mumbling. “Why him? Is this… Are they trying to make it worse? They have some nerve to…” The Kazekage faced the window and stared hard at the village outside. Tenkai shifted in the bed and sat up, staring at the Kazekage. “Sir, what’s wrong?” Tenkai asked. The Kazekage did not turn or look his way, but simply kept staring out the window. “Daven of the Rock Village… is my brother, and a traitor to the Sand.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Neo Fusion Posted April 5, 2010 Report Share Posted April 5, 2010 really nice el make, ur writing style is on par with DL's!lookin forward to the next chap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted April 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2010 I think DL is ahead of me....... he has more experience.... I feel like a noob trying to make a great card set, lolz.... Anyways, I'll post Chapter 2 tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dranzer Posted April 6, 2010 Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 Very good fanfic el make?Chapters are a little long tho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted April 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 What's with that question mark.............. Lolz, they are? I thought they were short. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dranzer Posted April 6, 2010 Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 Well I only have DL's to compare to.So they seem long to me,probably cuz I'm lazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted April 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 Meh, DL's just seem shorter because he doesn't use paragraphs or anything, he has shorter..... what's the word? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Neo Fusion Posted April 7, 2010 Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 awesome chapter el make! tho i think u cud have described raikegan w/o referencing sharingan...good work brah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 7, 2010 Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 Hmmm... Well, long story short... 1. I don't see why the sand village would trade a small child (gifted as she may be) for a highly trained chuunin prisoner.2. I don't see why the main character was describing his technique to thin air. (you could have simply shown us what it could do though, or simply have him say something that leads the reader to that conclusion. We have brains. We can think.)3. Quite a bit of tell, yet the amount of show balances it out. Aside from those flaws, it's quite interesting, and good. Oh, and 4. I know this is naruto, but why would a highly trained ninja spill out his secret technique's workings to the guy he's planning to USE it on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted April 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 awesome chapter el make! tho i think u cud have described raikegan w/o referencing sharingan...good work brah Meh' date=' I really couldn't think of anything.... lolz. Hmmm... Well, long story short... 1. I don't see why the sand village would trade a small child (gifted as she may be) for a highly trained chuunin prisoner. To be explained later in the story... Knew this would come up. And who ever said highly trained? Ooooooo.... hahaha.2. I don't see why the main character was describing his technique to thin air. (you could have simply shown us what it could do though, or simply have him say something that leads the reader to that conclusion. We have brains. We can think.) What can I say, I'm new to this.3. Quite a bit of tell, yet the amount of show balances it out. Aside from those flaws, it's quite interesting, and good. Oh, and 4. I know this is naruto, but why would a highly trained ninja spill out his secret technique's workings to the guy he's planning to USE it on? How can it be Naruto without it? Lolz.... Finally someone gives me criticism.... I needed it so much. Cuz criticism makes for improvement! *insert nice guy pose here* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 7, 2010 Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 Yes, critisism is good. I don't get enough T_T Also, notice how most problems in your story are more about makig sense than anything. Of course, someone COULD just be talkative, like Duran Zeru, and spill out the secret to his technique XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted April 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 Yeah, I'll try to fix that. And lolz, true dat. And the reason you don't get criticism is because people read the FTK fic and say good chapter. At least that one guy gave you criticism on Hayate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted April 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 New Chapter up......... woooooooo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Neo Fusion Posted April 8, 2010 Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 i like it and nice twist at the end!i cant criticize stories unless they suck, so gud news 4 u :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted April 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 8, 2010 C'mon Fusion, nothing to criticize? Fine.... And lolz, the twist at the end is so cliche.... then again, I could have said son or father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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