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Yu-Gi-Oh! Zero Chance (A Completely Original YGO Fanfic) Chapter 6 Is Up

Quiksilver

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Quiksilver

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@zzuxon- Meh. He's okay. An Indian character intrigues me, so I'll put him in, but I have so many sub-plots I don't know if I'll be able to get the "Domain Lords" archetype in there. I'll try, though.

 

@power200- Thanks! I'm eagerly awaiting for it too. 8P. I'm not finding time to write it, but I'll strive to get Chapter 6 done.

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@All: I AM SO SORRY I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO GET CHAP. 6 UP! I actually finished the chapter, but a series of events prevented me from uploading it. I am really sorry, and am uploading it now.

 

@Power2000: Lol, thanks...

 

@Caiba: Well, as a matter of fact, I already have one. Look at Characters: there is a eleven-year-old kid named Marc Heartwright. Marc is going to be mentioned in chapter 7 and premiere in chapter 8, which is where the title of this story will become truly relevant. (See, I have it all planned out...)

 

@zzuxon, kabuto56: Yeah, sorry guys. Well, here it finally is...CHAPTER 6 AND THE FIRST DUEL OF THE SERAPHIM CUP!

 

[spoiler=The Tournament to End all Tournaments]

“Skill and confidence are an unconquered army.– George Herbert

***

 

VANESSA

 

“Nice place.” I heard behind me. Raina stepped forward and eyed the room critically. “Not exactly my taste, though.”

 

“Me either,” I said, trying to conceal the awe in my voice. I was currently standing in one of those places which you see on home design shows; a picture-perfect hotel room. It was spacious, with two large beds to the left. A flatscreen faced the beds from the opposite wall, and two light-colored wood dressers stood at the feet of the beds. The whole room was painted a cream color, giving it a soothing kind of feel.

 

“Like your new rooms?” A heavily accented voice said behind me and Raina. I turned and looked into the face of the manager, a man who came from somewhere in the Caribbean.

 

“Yeah, we like it.” I said, looking around.

 

The manager nodded and gestured to a door by the flatscreen. “Your friends are through that door, in the other room. I think they’re there right now.”

 

“Thanks,” Raina said, and he left the room. I turned to look at Raina. She grinned and flopped down on one of the beds. “Can you believe we’re actually in New York?” She said.

 

“No,” I replied. At the opposite end of the room, next to a desk made of the same wood of the dressers, you could pass out onto a balcony. As I looked, I could see skyscrapers dot the skyline. You could even see the Statue of Liberty! It was pretty cool. I really couldn’t believe we were in New York City…we had only arrived in New York about an hour ago. After leaving the airport, Trey had guided us to this hotel, which was called the Ritz-Carlton and was situated in lower Manhattan. It was a hotel his parents stayed at, apparently. Trey’s parents must have been loaded. It would be nice to explore this hotel, but right now I wanted to talk with the boys. “Let’s go see how the guys are settling in.” I said, and I moved towards the door. Raina nodded and followed me into the guy’s hotel room.

 

Wow. These guys couldn’t have been here more than half an hour, yet the room was trashed. The room mirrored Rainas’ and my room, but the beds were already rumpled, and clothes and suitcases were thrown across the floor.

 

“Ugh, not very proper, are we?” Raina said, carefully stepping over some boxers.

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Damon said absentmindedly. He was at the desk with a laptop in front of him.

 

You probably should check out what he’s doing.

 

I nearly jumped up into the air. I half-turned and saw a large metallic beast standing behind me. My Golden Alloy Lion! “I must be seeing things,” I muttered.

 

Doubtful. I am very much real. Isn’t that right, Cassiopeia?

 

Indeed, Iapyx.

 

“What the heck?” I shouted out as Damon’s Metamorphic Dragon suddenly appeared too. Trey, who was on the balcony, and Raina, both looked out me strangely, but Damon gasped.

 

“You can see them too?” He asked me.

 

“You mean, the monsters?”

 

Hey, hold on. I find the term “monster” very offensive. I think the term “majestic beast” or “awe-inspiring lion” is much more-

 

Calm, Iapyx. Humans commonly call us Duel Cards monsters.

 

Oh.

 

My head swiveled back and forth between the monsters. I seemed incapable of speech.

 

On another issue, the humans seem a little freaked out. Maybe we should reveal ourselves to all of the them. So Damon and Vanessa here won’t be treated as insane.

 

As you wish.

 

Two consecutive gasps told me the two monsters had revealed themselves to Trey and Raina. “What the…?”

 

Looks the humans are stunned.

 

We can’t do anything right, can we?

 

“Okay, okay, STOP!” Raina shouted. I guess she was hearing the voices, too. “This is just…just…insane!”

 

Great. It’s Damon all over again.

 

Ah, Cassiopeia, calm down. Now, listen here, Raina. We are Duel Spirits. I am Iapyx, who is currently in possession of Vanessa’s Golden Alloy Lion. And that is Cassiopeia. She is the possessor of Damon’s Metamorphic Dragon. There is nothing insane about it.

 

“Yeah, but you guys…its…just not…natural!!!” Trey replied.

 

Just give it a good night’s sleep. It’ll seem more regular in the morning.

 

And remember, the Seraphim Cup is in the morning. You’ll need to be refreshed then.

 

Oh yeah, that reminds me. Vanessa, go check out what Damon’s doing. He’s looking up the Seraphim Cup. He’s got info on it.

 

“Um, okay…” I muttered. Raina, rubbing her temples and muttering under her breath, left to go back to the room, while Trey still stood out on the balcony, shell-shocked.

 

Since everyone could hear the little conversation that happened a second ago, Damon was ready for me. As I neared him, he twisted the computer so that I could see the screen. Leaning down, I could see the company logo for Mirage Industries, and below that, several articles about the Seraphim Cup. Skimming through the first one, I saw it was being held in a stadium. Mirage Stadium, apparently. Go figure.

 

“Look here.” Damon pointed at an obscure corner of the screen. “Wow, even if I didn’t think Mirage Industries was no good, this little article would still make me worried.” He said, reading it. “’We’re looking for the best of the best’…’We need a strong duelist to suit our needs’…weird…sounds like they’re hunting for a super strong duelist for some reason…hey, look!” He said, completely sidetracked. “Free hotdogs for duelists tomorrow! Cool!”

 

He stopped talking when I slapped him upside the head. “Get back on focus, Damon.” I said. “When does the tournament start?”

 

“Um…the first round starts tomorrow, but tonight are preliminaries…It’s in…” Damon squinted at the screen. “Two hours. Five o’clock on the dot.”

“Great.” I replied, straightening up. “That gives us just enough time to get ready. Go tell Raina and Trey. It’s time for the Seraphim Cup to begin.”

 

***

 

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen!” The voice of one of the commentators, a man by name of Jonathon Goldstone, boomed into the air, filling the stadium with a bass-deep timber. “Yes, welcome, one and all, to the…SERAPHIM CUP!!!”

 

Applause replaced Goldstone’s voice as the many spectators, sitting in the grandstands, cheered. Looking around, I could see the huge interior of the open-air Mirage Stadium, stands rising nearly seven stories into the air. People populated this stands like flies, all staring down at few dozen duelists (like me) who stood on the grass. Who knew dueling was so popular?

 

“Yes, this is the Seraphim Cup!” The other commentator, a woman named Melody Christakos, picking up on Goldstone’s speech. “Sponsored by Mirage Industries, this tourney will give one lucky duelist the chance to join the big leagues of dueling!” More applause. “And, tonight, we shall determine the first 16 combatants that will join us in the first round, by process of…elimination!” She added when the applause died down. “Yes, elimination. We have approximated that 32 duelists have made it to this point. And so, we shall have the duelists…dueling against each other!” I turned to the rest of the gang, who were behind me, raising my eyebrows. They just shrugged.

 

“Well, let’s not keep these duelists waiting!” Goldstone said. “I will call off names now! Each dueling field,” –He meant the squares that were chalked into the grass- “has a number in the middle. I will call off two names, and then a number. The two duelists will then move towards the dueling field with the number indicated, and duel! Simple, right? So then- let’s begin!” There was a moment of silence, and then Jonathon Goldstone resumed speaking.

 

“First off, we have Trey Allstrong and Carter Lyon in Field 1!” Trey and a tall, young man with white hair moved towards a field marked with a 1. As he passed, I gave him the thumbs-up. Good luck , it meant.

 

“And, Raina Queenspade and Izzy Jumpstart in Field 2…”

 

Raina passed me, and I noticed a young man with short hair look at her appraisingly as she walked.

 

“Christopher West and Eddy Nakamura in Field 3…”

 

Weird. Why did one of the men that moved to Field 3 look so familiar? He was pale and dark-haired…

 

“Damon Youngblood and Katarina Shield in Field 4…”

 

Forgoing thinking about that strangely familiar man, I gave Damon the same thumbs-up I had given Trey.

 

“Kate Hedrak and Sam Uley in Field 5…”

 

I didn’t recognize either person of the next pair…

 

“Tay Williams and Vanessa Heartwright in Field 6…”

 

Looks like I was up! I started walking towards the field marked 6, and looked around to see who my opponent was. It was- Oh, great. It had been that guy who had been giving Raina the eye.

 

“I’m TaQuan Williams!” He announced when he reached the field. “And you ain’t gonna beat me!”

 

I rolled my eyes. “We’ll see.” I said.

 

Me: 4000 LP

Tay: 4000 LP

 

“Let the master start this duel off right!” He said, drawing a card. “Alright! I summon Evocator Chevalier (1900/900)!”

 

A man in a red samurai suit appeared, wielding a wickedly curved sword.

 

“Next, I equip Evocator Chevalier with Fusion Sword Murasame Blade, increasing its attack to 2700!”

 

Pretty nice move. The samurai grabbed a long, elaborate sword that glowed blue and orange, and grew visibly stronger. By visibly stronger, I mean it grew bigger and meaner.

 

“Well, since I can’t do more than lay this card face-down on the field, it looks like my turns over!” Tay gave me a cocky grin. “And now it’s your turn, sweetheart!”

 

Oh my god, did he really just say that?! “Never call me that again!” I snapped, and drew a card. “I summon D.D. Warrior Lady (1500/1600) to the field, and activate Stumbling Rise!”

 

A fit, tough-looking woman dressed in black and what looked like an old mine, coming straight out of the ground, appeared on the field.

 

“Now, what Stumbling Rise does is allow me to choose five monster cards in my Deck, all Level 4 or under. Now, four of them get sent to the RFP (Remove from Play) pile, but the randomly chosen fifth card is summoned to the field!” I smiled and picked five cards out of my deck, and then picked up one and placed it on the field.

 

A shuffling golden golem emerged from the mine, settling down next to D.D. Warrior Lady. (1500/1500)

 

“Aah, not Golden Homunculus!” I groaned. “Not the card, or strategy, I would have preferred, but I guess I’ll have to live with it…”

 

“What are you talking about?” Tay demanded.

 

“Well, see, I had a plan for each card I had chosen by Stumbling Rise’s effect, and unfortunately this card wasn’t the plan I had been hoping for. Doesn’t do as much damage to you as the other one’s see?” I took in the confused expression on Tay’s face, then added, “Here, I’ll show you what I mean! For every card in the RFP zone, Golden Homunculus’ attack increases by 300 points. And since there are four, it increases by 1200 points, which gives it-”

 

“2700 points!” Tay finished, realization dawning on his face.

 

“Exactly. Since Golden Homunculus has the same amount of points your little samurai over there, if I attack now, they are both destroyed and D.D. Warrior Lady can attack you directly! So then…Golden Homunculus, attack!”

 

I watched in triumph as Golden Homunculus suddenly lurched forward towards the red warrior. It raised a solid rock hand, and swung it down on Chevalier, and-

 

BAM!

 

The attack was stopped by some sort of invisible barrier! Dang! I had forgotten about the face down-

 

“Too bad, sweetheart!” Tay grinned savagely and flipped up his card. “You’ll have to do better than that to beat me! I activate Negate Attack, which stops your attack cold!!!”

 

“Now then! It’s my turn!” He said, laughing. “I summon Gearfried the Iron Knight (1800/1600) in face-up attack mode. Then I activate…Courage of the Battalion!”

 

A man in a futuristic iron suit appeared next to Evocator Chevalier, only to be destroyed. A light suddenly appeared where the warrior once stood, in the shape of the men. The lights ran forward and jumped over my monsters, suddenly colliding with me!

 

“Aaugh!” I shouted. My lifepoints suddenly went down to 1750!

 

“Haha!” Tay laughed yet again. “You see, Courage of the Battalion destroys my two monsters and then inflicts half of their combined attack points to your life points, letting me skip over those pesky monsters! Now then, I simply set another trap card, and I’m all set for next turn.”

 

“Dang it.” I muttered. “You’re pretty good.”

 

“Sorry, sweetheart. But it’s not just I’m good- you’re not that good. That’s why I’m shooting for blondie over there.” He cocked a finger at Raina, several fields over and currently kicking her opponent’s as- I mean, butt.

 

“WHAT???” Raina had heard his last comment; God knows Tay was loud enough. She turned and looked at Tay with a disgusted look on her face.

 

“Yeah, you, Raina! How about after this is all over, you and I hang out?”

 

“That’s it.” I snapped at him. “You get be cocky about our duel, you can call me a bad duelist- but nobody hits on my friends in that way!” I shouted, attracting a lot of attention. “You’re GOING DOWN!!!”

I drew a card and looked at it furiously, only taking a second to place it and one other on the field. A large, white and gold, monster appeared on the field, along with a kind of glittery effect.

 

“I summon Banisher of the Radiance (1600/0), and activate Card Loan! Since I have 5 cards, I now activate…Hand Destruction!”

 

“Huh?” Tay said.

 

“Follow along with me! Hand Destruction makes us discard our cards and then re-draw!”

 

“No, I know that!” He pouted. “It’s just…why did you’re Golden Homunculus gain attack???”

 

“Oh that. That’s because my Banisher of the Radiance sends all cards sent to the graveyard… to the RFP zone. And since you discarded 1 card, and I discarded 4- there is a total of 10 cards in the graveyard. This boosts my Golden Homunculus’ attack to 4500. And last I checked your field is wide open.”

 

“No its- what?” He sputtered as he saw that his face down had disappeared.

 

“Just using the effect of one of the cards in the RFG zone.” I said triumphantly. “The spell card Iron Shackle states that if it is removed from my hand by a card effect, it’s allowed to destroy one Spell or Trap card on the field. And I think we all know what card that was.”

 

Tay was pale and afraid, suddenly realized he was about to be kicked out of the tournament before it even began. He looked nothing like the cocky, sneering young man earlier in this duel.

 

“B- but,” -He finally forced it out- “I had you tra-trapped in the…the…c-corner! You had le-less life points than me-”

 

“Well, you know what they say, Tay.” I said. “Things change. Attack him directly Golden Homunculus!”

 

“No!!!” Tay shouted as the golem hit him with all 4500 points of damage it had! He fell to his knees, and looked up at me, speechless.

 

Me: 1750 LP

Tay: 0 LP

 

“Nice one, Vanessa.” I heard a voice say behind me, and turned. It was Raina. “That’s the way to do it.” She held out her fist, for me to pump it. And I did.

 

END OF CHAPTER 6

 

Notes

Yep, well, I finally got this up. Thank GOD. It took so long! Well- it’s done. Over. And now I have to write Chapter 7. :)

 

Characters Introduced

Name- TaQuan “Tay” Williams

Age- 19

Appearance- ed0a446.png

Bio- Tay is a easy going duelist that plays around from time to time but when it comes to dueling he's a genius with great ways to beat his opponent.

Signature Card- Starstrike Dragon

Duel Style- Revolves around Warriors which makes Tay's deck powerful and strong even if he can't summon his Starstrike Dragon, his other creatures make up the difference.

 

[spoiler=Cards Used In Chapter 6]

Stumbling Rise/Spell

Choose five Level 4 monsters from your deck. Randomly pick one of the cards and Summon it to the field. Remove the other four from play.

 

Courage of the Battalion/Spell

This card can only be activated if two or more Warrior-Type monsters are on the field. Destroy all Warrior-Type cards on your field and inflict half of each card’s attack points to your opponent’s lifepoints.

 

Card Loan/Spell

Draw as many cards as needed to make your hand five cards exactly. At the end of your next turn, you must discard as many cards drawn. If you cannot do so, send that many number of cards from the top of your deck to the Graveyard.

 

Iron Shackle/Spell/Quick-Play

If this card is removed from your hand by a card effect, destroy one Spell or Trap card on the field. Rest of Effect Unknown

 

 

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Cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo breath oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

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Once upon a time, a man named Theodore Sturgeon observed that ninety percent of everything is trash. Nowhere is this more evident than in the world of Fan Fiction, where the majority of works are garbage, riddled with endless clichés, plot holes, and character derailments and totally lacking in any redeeming qualities.

 

The remaining ten percent, however, is to die for, and occasionally there arises a tale that transcends the standard fare. These masterpieces rival or even surpass the original work itself in terms of quality. They feature original, clever, epic plots, with rounded and dynamic characters populating a well-developed world. The dialogue is realistic and enjoyable to read; when exposition is necessary, it is introduced at a sensible pace and keeps the reader immersed; the characters remain sensibly true to their canon characterizations and are not forced to act like idiots to develop the plot; and the overall experience is something that leaves the reader feeling simultaneously satisfied and hungry for more. And it goes without saying that these brilliant works are heavily proofread to ensure the eradication of any errors.

 

This is not one of those stories.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

Wonderfully, this story's parent topic's very title informs us that this is "A Completely Original YGO Fanfic". That's right: it's somehow both completely original and derived from the Yu-Gi-Oh! franchise. Any volunteers to explain to willpower_9 exactly what is fundamentally absurd about that claim?

 

Before absolutely any portion of the story - before Chapter Plot, Chapter Characters, and Chapter Prologue - comes a short, italicized segment (willpower_9's italics will become underlines here). Since it comes before even the absurd bogus non-chapters, I'm not quite sure where it's supposed to fit into this thing, but it's worth including here anyhow:

 

October, 2118. The world has changed. Those cards, those blasted cards, have turned against us...the humans...now we live in filth and squall, while the spirits of those cards rule the world... There is zero chance of taking back whats ours...

 

The incredibly realistic writing style of what I assume is a journal entry may astound some readers with how accurately it reflects the sort of vague, foreboding pseudo-exposition that post-apocalyptic survivors would probably write down, because the complex details and intricate emotions included in this journal entry are clearly the sort of things one should be writing down, since things like your entire world being conquered by trading cards can pretty easily fade from your memory if you don't write them down (though any actual specifics do not need to be recorded) - how, you may ask, could something so well-written have made its way to YCM? Well, the answer is simple. You'll find that it's heavily lifted from a very famous four-line work. Ever read the Diary of Anne Frank? I'll reproduce it here in its entirety for your convenience:

 

October, 1944. The world has changed. Those Nazis, those blasted Nazis, have turned against us...the Jews...now we live in filth and squall and often die, while those other guys rule the country... There is zero chance of taking back whats ours... Sorry for... all the ellipses... it's important for diaries to reflect... severe breathing problems... like this... fortunately... I was able to record... this incredibly detailed account... of everything... that will make me worth remembering...

 

And our flying start gets even better as we leap over Chapter Plot and Chapter Characters to begin Chapter Prologue. Incidentally, Chapter Prologue is less than half as long as Chapter Characters, so willpower_9 presumably put more work into the Encyclopedia Infodumpica than into the story itself. Oh, and Chapter Prologue is also formatted in that stupid way where they press enter once after each line, too stupid to realize that the lack of indents makes the result hideous.

 

Like all good stories, this begins with a pretentious and unnecessary quote:

 

Angels deliver Fate to our doorstep - and anywhere else it is needed. --Jessi Lane Adams

***

 

Ever played a modern JRPG? They frequently begin with disconnected quotes that are totally irrelevant to the actual game, and... well, for some reason they came to mind just now.

 

Jessi Lane Adams seems to have successfully proofread that quote, so I'm sure that he or she is a much better writer than willpower_9, who has proven unable to spellcheck in MSWord. That being said, I haven't a clue who Jessi Lane Adams is. More to the point, however - what's this quote doing here? All the quote says is that Fate exists and shows up where it's needed, which is nigh-tautological given that any Fate that didn't appear where it was Fated to appear would be no Fate at all.

 

What is its relation to the story? What is the importance of including this line? What does it contribute to anything? The only reason it's here is that willpower_9 thought it sounded cool and figured that an empty, tangentially-related quote from someone whose existence is unknown to Wikipedia would make his story sound a lot more deep and symbolic and epic and et cetera et cetera. The only thing this quote accomplished was to convince me that willpower_9 is overly-pretentious.

 

I couldn't move. I was transfixed, mesmerized by the card. It hung in midair, silent, slowly rotating. Unable to stand it any longer, I slowly reached out a hand...just wanting to touch it... and then, my outstreched finger hit the card. In a single instant, everything flashed and went dark. Light was snuffed out instantly and suddenly, my hand felt almost magnetically attached to the card as it soared through the darkness.

 

Ever played that one video game with cutscene where there's this floating, spinning object of importance that the hero then reaches out and touches, causing some flashes of special effects and a flying dream sequence or something like that? Well, for some reason it came to mind just now. I forget the exact name of the video game, though. I believe its initials might have been E.V.G.E., but I can't remember the exact title at the moment. Wait, I've got it. EVERY VIDEO GAME EVER.

 

Fanfic writers really need to learn that scenes full of flashy special effects can be dazzling when seen on a screen but lose their cool impact when merely described in written form. This is just one of the many symptoms of the classic Camera Fallacy - they forget that a written story based on an animated series isn't actually an animated series.

 

This wouldn't even be that bad if it didn't take up somewhere between a quarter and a third of the prologue without contributing anything.

 

This is our world, Damon.

"What the?" I stuttered as the voice echoed around in and around my head.

 

The spinning magical card and the whole flying thing were all in a day's work for Damon, but hearing voices prompts a response of "What the?" from him. Ladies and gentlemen, our protagonist.

 

"Who...who are you?"

I am a peacekeeper, a guide, a herald. I am a Lighte Card.

 

Ever watched a 4Kids dub of an anime? They generally change all the names of everything into unspeakably lame things that are too pathetic to qualify as puns, and... well, for some reason that sort of thing came to mind just now.

 

You did not just name your peacekeeping guiding heralds by sticking the letter "e" on the end of "Light". Next thing you know, the villains will be called "Evile" or "Darke" or something similarly idiotic.

 

And I have come to ask for your help.

 

The Lighte boss said, "We need someone who will believe in the power of our magical pony flowers but will be able to avoid believing in the Villaine's powers, since belief equals power! Find me the guy whose skepticism has the most inconsistency of all!" So this herald found Damon, who was undaunted by light shows and magic flying but was shocked by voices.

 

Suddenly the card tugged at my hand and I found myself soaring through a wartorn land.

 

Presumably, he didn't just fly over a completely generic landscape with a giant neon sign pointing down to it, saying in large letters, "THIS LAND IS WARTORN WAR-TORN". In actuality, he must have seen an interesting landscape below and deduced from its various features - such as, perhaps, buildings reduced to rubble and the presence of many tanks - that the land was probably war-torn. Naturally, willpower_9 gives us only Damon's final conclusion, rather than describing what it was that Damon actually saw. Presumably, he spent his whole description budget on how shiny that spinning card was at the start.

 

This is our land Damon. This is your city. Now, all that remains is ashes...

"What? My city? Whats going on here? Why is my city destroyed?" I asked,

 

Look, I know it's a fairly common practice in stories to not specify the exact location. That way, the story is much harder for future events to render blatantly false; the author doesn't need to bother to match the story's locations to any actual physical setting; and readers can imagine their own locations to be the setting to make the action more involving. And I'm fine with that. It's a well-established technique employed by a variety of respectable and published authors.

 

But it takes some minimum level of competence to pull off using New Unspecifiedia as the setting. It's not that hard: all you need to do is avoid situations where there's no way the characters would refer to the city as "this city" instead of using its name. To do that, all you need to do is not write dialogue in which characters refer to it in exactly the same alternative way four times in a row under emotional circumstances that would make it absurd for the characters not to mention its name at some point, since that would produce something painful to read and impossible to take seriously.

 

frightened, my voice rising in pitch.

 

Thanks for informing us that the guy who is panicking over flying through the air over his own ruined city and whose voice has suddenly gone up an octave might possibly be frightened. I'd never have guessed without your statements of the obvious.

 

Bear in mind that every single thing here, from the "frightened" thing up to the light show, was inserted in place of an actual description of the war-torn destroyed city.

 

Damon, this is the future...the future we need you to prevent.In my time, in the year 2118, all hope has been lost for the humans. The Darke Cards rule everything.

 

Wait, you really did go and call the bad guys "Darke"? Seriously? Is this a second-grade writing project or something?

 

Ever seen that one television series that Fox canceled, that included scenes like this one below?

 

"Oye, oye, oye! You think you're the only one with projectiles, monster!? Take this! Handlaser!" He raised his left hand palm-forward and fired a beam of energy at the demon, knocking it backwards into the pavement. "Maybe nobody informed you that I can shoot laser beams out of my hands!" he cried as he jumped forward, bringing his sword down on the monster with his right hand. "Direct hit- AH!" He jumped away as the Fire Elemental flared up, shooting fire out as it rose into the air again. "My foot!"

 

It came to mind just now because I would much rather be watching that than reading this.

 

For a second, before the card returned me to the darkness, I caught the flash of something red. I saw a terrifying glimpse of a huge monster, striding through the debris of the city.

 

He's been flying over the city and surveying the landscape, but was only able to catch a glimpse of a huge monster when the entire city has already been reduced to debris? What on earth makes it so hard to see? The buildings around it have presumably been reduced to rubble, and huge monsters are kind of easy to see by virtue of being huge.

 

Ever see that Clint Eastwood movie, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? It's specifically set up so that characters effectively do not exist and can move about invisibly as long as they aren't on camera, and... well, for some reason it came to mind just now.

 

Damon, we need your help! We must keep this from happening...it is the only hope of survival for the human race...

"But what can I do?" I asked frantically. This was really getting creepy...

 

The imminent destruction of humanity might be a little creepy, Damon? You think so?

 

Ever seen that movie, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen? It's an absolutely horrible movie filled with characters acting like total morons and completely lacking in redeeming qualities, and... well, for some reason it came to mind just now.

 

Even now, in your time period, forces are working to make this future come true. You must stop the Darke cards now, in your time period...to stop the Cards from even happening in the first place...Please, Damon you must help us...stop the Darke Cards...please...

 

Ever read that manga, Psyren? It's about a bunch of people who are brought into a desolate future in which the world has been basically destroyed and filled with monsters and who are then sent back in time to the present day to prevent that future from ever coming to pass, and... well, for some reason it came to mind just now.

 

I question exactly how "Completely Original" this story is.

 

Note the complete lack of an explanation for why Damon was chosen. I'm going to assume that my explanation - he wields the least consistent credulity in all of history - is the real one.

 

Very slowly the voice faded away and as it did, so did the darkness. Light slowly worked through my closed eyelids,

 

i think u mean "lighte"

 

and "eyelidese"

 

and somwhere,

 

i think u mean "somewhere"

 

or "seoemeweheeereee"

 

a air conditioner was turned on. I was lying face-down on something comfortable. I sat up, catching a glimpse of a bland room.

 

I regularly glance around the rooms of my house and insult their appearances.

 

I looked down and found...I had been lying on the couch? Wait a second. I looked around again and saw I was in my living room. So had all this just been a dream?-

Please help us Damon...

My god. It had not been a dream.

 

END OF PROLOGUE

 

Was it really necessary to have that "WAS IT ALL JUST A DREAM?????" tease at the end, only to be squashed half a sentence later? It's horribly overdone, it adds nothing to the story, it's not funny, it's resolved instantly so it builds no suspense, and it's obviously not just a dream or you wouldn't have made it the prologue in the first place. What's the point?

 

We'd normally be done right now, but first we have author's notes.

 

As those of you who have read my prologue before I reworked it know, you'll see I didn't change much.

 

That's right. He actually went back and reworked this thing after posting it, and he still didn't give it the power to pass the MSWord spellchecker test. You, sir, are the worst self-editor in the history of the world.

 

However, I did add the quote to give the introduction more emphasis on how fate has come down upon Damon.

 

That was your big change!? Your revision consisted primarily of adding the pretentious irrelevant quote at the start for the sole purpose of emphasizing that Fate might be somehow connected to a story whose plot revolves around the state of the world in the distant future? No, actually, it's worse than that. Note the exact words - you want to emphasize specifically "how fate as come down upon Damon". In other words, you want to emphasize that Damon was randomly made the main character because destiny says so. Why would you think we needed a reminder that the protagonist was magically made the protagonist!?

 

And I'd love to hear what the point of this gem here was supposed to be:

 

[spoiler=Cards Used In Prologue]

None.

 

Fascinating.

 

Your revision served to make your story worse, and you'd be far better off reverting it. That's how bad your revision was. Of course, that's perfectly consistent with the rest of the writing skills you've put on display here. I could recap everything that went wrong, from the ludicrous names for the factions to the atrocious writing style, but instead I'll just ask this question:

 

Ever read or seen Watchmen? You know that scene where Rorschach breaks some random guy's fingers in a bar to get information? It comes to mind because I'd rather be that guy than read another chapter of this mess.

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