viserdragon Posted March 8, 2010 Report Share Posted March 8, 2010 What do You think of my story.It's not much right now but it will have to do.If you don't like it thats u,but if u think its pretty good drop by my website if u wont to know mor about it.My websit isn't compleated yet but it has a little bit of stuff for u to look at.Here's the sit name http://www.differentdiminsionteam.webs.com have fun. [spoiler=Chapter 1 A New Journey Begins] It's been nearly a month since Ash and Pikachu had come back from the Sinnoh Region after competing in the Sinnoh Pokémon League and though they didn't come out on top, he and Pikachu still strive to become Pokémon masters. On their way to Professor Oak’s lab (who had called them earlier) something had stopped them dead in their tracks. Pika? said Pikachu They saw someone in a long black leather jacket with long emerald green hair. I wonder who that is. said Ash Pika? said Pikachu Hey are you lost? asked Ash as they walked closer to him, but just as they got close to him he turned around. He stared at them with red and green eyes and a grin that sent chill's up and down there spines. Ash and Pikachu slowly started backing away. There’s something not right about this guy! said Ash Chuu! said Pikachu Just then there was a big gust of wind that came out of nowhere. Where did this wind come from! said Ash holding onto Pikachu. Ash looked up and saw the guy standing there and around his neck he saw a necklace. It had black beads, four black teeth and a dragon on it. Just then the wind stopped, and Ash got back up as the guy walked off an disappeared into the darkness of the woods. That was intense. I wonder who was that guy though! said Ash Ka? said Pikachu Yeah your right, but we better hurry on to Professor Oaks. said Ash Pikachu jumped on his shoulder, they hurried own and a few minutes later they arrived at Professor Oaks lab. They went in and saw Professor Oak on his computer. Hey Professor Oak we're here. said Ash Ahhh! Ash, Pikachu I’m so glad you could make it! said Professor Oak Hey Ash and Pikachu! said Tracy Pika!said Pikachu Now Ash I have a mission for you! said Professor Oak Sure! What is it? asked Ash I need you to go to the Jetix Region and help get back a experimental Pokémon that was stolen. said Professor Oak I've never heard of the Jetix Region before. Where’s that? asked Ash To the far north of the Sinnoh Region. I’m surprised you've never heard of it. It’s known for being the largest region in the world and for the large number of Pokémon that have been discovered there. said Professor Oak Wow! Sounds exciting! When do we leave? asked Ash Pikaaaa!said Pikachu You will leave immediently!said Professor Oak I hear the Jetix Region has a lot of fun stuff to do. I might visit later one day. said Tracy Me to! They have one of the best Pokémon schools in the world.Oh yea speaking of that I know while your in the Jetix Region after you have finished your mission you just might won't to enter the Jetix Pokémon League. said Professor Oak He passed Ash a small red and yellow box. He grabbed it and looked at it and Pikachu looked at it. What is this? asked Ash It's your new Dimensional Poka'dex! To activate it just put it on your arm. said Professor Oak Ash set its own his arm and all of a sudden a band strapped around his arm. Pi!said Pikachu Alsome!said Ash That Poka’dex hold data on every Pokémon discovered in the Kanto,Johto,Hoenn,and Sinnoh Regions, along with data of Pokémon from the Jetix Region. It also comes with a map of the Jetix Region. explained Professor Oak That's alsome!now we're ready to go! said Ash excitedly Not quit! said Professor Oak What do you mean? asked Ash Your going to need more than one Pokémon to win battle's in the Jetix Region, so i won't you to take two Pokémon this time. said Professor Oak Why? asked Ash Just to be safe i won't you to carry at least two Pokémon with you, because the wild Pokémon are unbelievably strong there. So you need to carry two Pokémon with you if you plan on capturing some Pokémon from the Jetix Region. said Professor Oak Are the wild Pokémon really that strong? What about the trainers? said Ash You won't to find out? said a voice Ash turned around and saw a boy standing in the door. Who are you? asked Ash My name is Jamie Moon and like i asked. Do you won't to find out how strong Jetix Region trainers are? asked Jamie Ok!said Ash Pikaa!said Pikachu They all went outside and Tracy was there battle anouncer. This battle be between trainer Ash and trainer Jamie. Each trainer will only be able to use one Pokémon each. Now trainers begin! Shouted Tracy Your up Pikachu. said Ash Pika!said Pikachu and he jumped out in front of Ash ready to battle. Hum...Said Jamie staring at Ash and Pikachu, and then he took out a ultra ball and threw it. Let’s go Letal.shouted Jamie Just then a Pokémon appeared that Ash had never seen before. It was completely white except for its tail,back,and what looked like a mask that was black. Pikaa!!said Pikachu Wow! What is that poke'mon?said Ash and he pointed the poka'dex at it The poka'dex opened up and on the top part of th poka'dex it showed the poke'mon.Letal the armor poke'mon and the evoled form of leta.When leta evolve's,the area's on it's fur that ar rich with metal melt togather to form letal's armor.The mask on it's head,on the other hand form completly through the evolution process.Said the poka'dex then it closed back up Now let us begin!Letal use Quick Attack!shouted Jamie Letal started charging at Pikachu at high speed. Quick Pikachu use Thunderbolt!shouted Ash Pikachu shot a bolt of thunder a Letal,but before it hit Letal disappeared. Pika!said Pikachu Now that's fast!Pikachu be ready.said Ash Just then Letal reappeared,hit Pikachu and sent him rolling back. Are you ok Pikacu? asked Ash Pikachu stood up,shook off the attack and then knotted his head.Well he's got us beat in speed ,so let's try to match him in power.Pikachu use Volt Tackle!shouted Ash Wow! His Pikachu knows Volt Tackle!This Battle could've been interesting if i didn't have to go.So Letal use Giga Impact!said Jamie Letal started running torward Pikachu and was covered in a yellow energy.When Pikachu and Letal Finally collided,Pikachu was sent fling back into a tree knocking him out. Pikachu is unable to battle,Letal wins witch means Jamie wins the match.said Tracy Ash ran to Pikachu an picked him up. Are you alright?asked Ash and Pikachu knotted his head That was a nice battle.said Jamie What,but we didn't even scrach Letal's armor.said Ash Maybe not,but for you two to master volt tackle like you did is increadible.Your only the fourth person i know of who knows it volt tackle.said Jamie Letaaaaal!said Letal knotting Thanks that means alot comeing from a trainier as strong as you.said Ash Well on a scale,i'm a averge strong trainier,but ther are a few trainiers in the Jetix Region who would make me look like i just started battling.said Jamie Well when you put it like that,that really makes me won't to go!said Ash exciditly Pikaa!said Pikachu That the spirit Ash and Pikachu let nothing scare you.Oh and by the way Jamie here is you Shinx back.said Proffessor Oak and he handed Jamie a poke'ball. Welcome back Shinx!said Jamie,then Shinx appeared out of the poke'ball. Shinx!!Shinx!!said the Shinx and it rand over to play with Letal Well i'm sorry to be leaving now,but i have to get back to my sister's.said Jamie Hey Jamie since your headed back could you take Ash to T-Town and take him to the poka'gym there.asked Proffessor Oak Sure.said Jamie Now Ash once your there look for a female trainier named Tanza and give her this letter.She knows what to do.said Proffessor Oak Ok!said Asd But still before do you won't to take another poke'mon with you?asked Proffessor Oak Humm...Well what do you think Jamie?asked Ash Well to be honest everybody that i know from a different region that traveled to the Jetix Region carried at least two poke'mon with them.So i guess carry Pikachu and one more of your pokemon.said Jamie Well that's that then.Now who to choose?Who do you think Pikachu?asked Ash Pika..Pi!!said Pikachu I'll take Infernape with us on this journey.said Ash Tracy went back into the lab and came back out with a poke'ball.He handed it to Proffessor Oak and Proffessor Oak handed it to Ash,then he gave Ash a ticket. Here's your ticket for the boat to take you to the Jetix Region.Now your Ready!said Proffessor Oak Jamie,Ash and Pikachu walked away waving good-bye to Proffessor Oak and Tracy.On the way to Vermillion Port they talked about some of there past battles,untill they finall made it. Where finaly here!said Ash Yeah,but have you ever noticed that when your in a good conversation or something headed somewhere you seem to get there faster.said Jamie You know something you have a good point there.said Ash Pi!said Pikachu Just then it started to get dark and it started to thunder and lightning.The wind started to get stronger and then the groung started to shake. Pikaaa!shouted Pikachu What's going on?shouted Ash I don't know!said Jamie But just as quick as it stated it stopped and the sky turned blue again. Well that was scary!said Jamie I wounder what caused it?said Ash Pi..Pi..Ka!said Pikachu I don't know but it's over now so let's go.said Jamie When they finally it to the port,thay show the man there tickets,got on board and looked over the boat at the blue sea as the boat left port. Piii..Kaaa..said Pikachu sounding worried I know what you mean.said Ash What's wrong?asked Jamie I don't know.I just have a bad feeling that something bad is going to happen.said Ash What do you mean?asked Jamie I don't know i just have that feeling.said Ash Hummm.Well it's getting dark.We should get some sleep.said Jamie Sure.said Ash and they headed for there rooms. Well maybe i'm feeling like this cause i'm tired,but i was feelingthe same way when we saw the guy earlier today.said Ash Pi!said Pikachu Yea!Me too!While looking into his eye's i don't know how,but all i could fell was darkness and emptyness.said Ash Pika..Chu!said Pikachu Maybe your right so let's just consetrate on getting so slee,so we can find that Tanza person tomorrow.said Ash They both laid down and went to sleep. To Be Continued...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted March 12, 2010 Report Share Posted March 12, 2010 Eh. What does this have to do with XD, again? Story is lackluster; will MyST tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted March 12, 2010 Report Share Posted March 12, 2010 Alert! Alert![spoiler=TWIG BREAKING NEWS] Chapter 1 A New Journey Begins Sounds promising. It's been nearly a month since Ash and Pikachu had come back from the Sinnoh Region after competing in the Sinnoh Pokémon League and though they didn't come out on top' date=' he and Pikachu still strive to become Pokémon masters. On their way to Professor Oak’s lab (who had called them earlier) something had stopped them dead in their tracks. Ash sucks. That's why he hasn't won any leagues. You wrote: (who had called them earlier)What's up with that? Why do we need to know that? Also, comma plox. Pika? said Pikachu Pika? What? said Pikachu Said Pikachu what?Ok, enough sarcasm. Quotations plox. They saw someone in a long black leather jacket with long emerald green hair. Anime hair? Cool. Who is they? How are jackets long? They can only be big. I wonder who that is. said Ash Oh, it's first person now? Ash said what?[/sarcasm] Pika? said Pikachu Quotations plox. Hey are you lost? asked Ash as they walked closer to him, but just as they got close to him he turned around. First, third person. Then, first person. Now you have second person?[/sarcasm]Seriously, you need quotations. He stared at them with red and green eyes and a grin that sent chill's up and down there spines. Ash and Pikachu slowly started backing away. Random apostrophe is random. He has both red and green eyes? WTF There’s something not right about this guy! said Ash Chuu! said Pikachu BREAKING NEWS FOLKS! THE QUOTATIONS ARE MISSING! THE QUOTATIONS ARE MISSING! Just then there was a big gust of wind that came out of nowhere. Where did this wind come from! said Ash holding onto Pikachu. "Where did this exclamtion point come from?" asked question mark. Ash looked up and saw the guy standing there and around his neck he saw a necklace. It had black beads, four black teeth and a dragon on it. Just then the wind stopped, and Ash got back up as the guy walked off an disappeared into the darkness of the woods. Whenever you see an article, there's a noun coming! Owait, there isn't a noun after your "an". That was intense. I wonder who was that guy though! said Ash Who's this "I" person? Ka? said Pikachu Yeah your right, but we better hurry on to Professor Oaks. said Ash New news! We have given up looking for quotations. Pikachu jumped on his shoulder, they hurried own and a few minutes later they arrived at Professor Oaks lab. They went in and saw Professor Oak on his computer. Hey Professor Oak we're here. said Ash Ahhh! Ash, I'm actually going to fix this. "Hey Professor Oak, we're here," said Ash Ahhh! Ash. Who the heck is Ash Ahhh! Ash? [spoiler=I have no comment for the following since I'm just going to say the same things over and over.]Pikachu I’m so glad you could make it! said Professor Oak Hey Ash and Pikachu! said Tracy Pika!said Pikachu Now Ash I have a mission for you! said Professor Oak Sure! What is it? asked Ash I need you to go to the Jetix Region and help get back a experimental Pokémon that was stolen. said Professor Oak I've never heard of the Jetix Region before. Where’s that? asked Ash To the far north of the Sinnoh Region. I’m surprised you've never heard of it. It’s known for being the largest region in the world and for the large number of Pokémon that have been discovered there. said Professor Oak If you've noticed, the regions of Pokemon are based on the islands of Japan. Does this mean the Jetix region is Asia? Ash must be really dumb for not knowing what Asia is. Wow! Sounds exciting! When do we leave? asked Ash Pikaaaa!said Pikachu You will leave immediently!said Professor Oak Of course. Ash goes off to the region immediately. He doesn't care about his family at all. [spoiler=I can't believe you worked so hard for this. This isn't even good.] I hear the Jetix Region has a lot of fun stuff to do. I might visit later one day. said Tracy Me to! They have one of the best Pokémon schools in the world.Oh yea speaking of that I know while your in the Jetix Region after you have finished your mission you just might won't to enter the Jetix Pokémon League. said Professor Oak He passed Ash a small red and yellow box. He grabbed it and looked at it and Pikachu looked at it. What is this? asked Ash It's your new Dimensional Poka'dex! To activate it just put it on your arm. said Professor Oak Ash set its own his arm and all of a sudden a band strapped around his arm. Pi!said Pikachu Alsome!said Ash That Poka’dex hold data on every Pokémon discovered in the Kanto,Johto,Hoenn,and Sinnoh Regions, along with data of Pokémon from the Jetix Region. It also comes with a map of the Jetix Region. explained Professor Oak Poka? WTF is Poka? That's alsome!now we're ready to go! said Ash excitedly WTF is alsome? [spoiler=This is so horrible, it's funny.]Not quit! said Professor Oak What do you mean? asked Ash Your going to need more than one Pokémon to win battle's in the Jetix Region, so i won't you to take two Pokémon this time. said Professor Oak Why? asked Ash Just to be safe i won't you to carry at least two Pokémon with you, because the wild Pokémon are unbelievably strong there. So you need to carry two Pokémon with you if you plan on capturing some Pokémon from the Jetix Region. said Professor Oak Are the wild Pokémon really that strong? What about the trainers? said Ash You won't to find out? said a voice Ash turned around and saw a boy standing in the door. Who are you? asked Ash My name is Jamie Moon and like i asked. Do you won't to find out how strong Jetix Region trainers are? asked Jamie Ok!said Ash Pikaa!said Pikachu They all went outside and Tracy was there battle anouncer. This battle be between trainer Ash and trainer Jamie. Each trainer will only be able to use one Pokémon each. Now trainers begin! Shouted Tracy Your up Pikachu. said Ash Pika!said Pikachu and he jumped out in front of Ash ready to battle. Hum...Said Jamie staring at Ash and Pikachu, and then he took out a ultra ball and threw it. Let’s go Letal.shouted Jamie Just then a Pokémon appeared that Ash had never seen before. It was completely white except for its tail,back,and what looked like a mask that was black. This is not enough description for a Pokemon we've never seen before. [spoiler=I decided the rest of this was going to be a waste of my time]Pikaa!!said Pikachu Wow! What is that poke'mon?said Ash and he pointed the poka'dex at it The poka'dex opened up and on the top part of th poka'dex it showed the poke'mon.Letal the armor poke'mon and the evoled form of leta.When leta evolve's,the area's on it's fur that ar rich with metal melt togather to form letal's armor.The mask on it's head,on the other hand form completly through the evolution process.Said the poka'dex then it closed back up Now let us begin!Letal use Quick Attack!shouted Jamie Letal started charging at Pikachu at high speed. Quick Pikachu use Thunderbolt!shouted Ash Pikachu shot a bolt of thunder a Letal,but before it hit Letal disappeared. Pika!said Pikachu Now that's fast!Pikachu be ready.said Ash Just then Letal reappeared,hit Pikachu and sent him rolling back. Are you ok Pikacu? asked Ash Pikachu stood up,shook off the attack and then knotted his head.Well he's got us beat in speed ,so let's try to match him in power.Pikachu use Volt Tackle!shouted Ash Wow! His Pikachu knows Volt Tackle!This Battle could've been interesting if i didn't have to go.So Letal use Giga Impact!said Jamie Letal started running torward Pikachu and was covered in a yellow energy.When Pikachu and Letal Finally collided,Pikachu was sent fling back into a tree knocking him out. Pikachu is unable to battle,Letal wins witch means Jamie wins the match.said Tracy Ash ran to Pikachu an picked him up. Are you alright?asked Ash and Pikachu knotted his head That was a nice battle.said Jamie What,but we didn't even scrach Letal's armor.said Ash Maybe not,but for you two to master volt tackle like you did is increadible.Your only the fourth person i know of who knows it volt tackle.said Jamie Letaaaaal!said Letal knotting Thanks that means alot comeing from a trainier as strong as you.said Ash Well on a scale,i'm a averge strong trainier,but ther are a few trainiers in the Jetix Region who would make me look like i just started battling.said Jamie Well when you put it like that,that really makes me won't to go!said Ash exciditly Pikaa!said Pikachu That the spirit Ash and Pikachu let nothing scare you.Oh and by the way Jamie here is you Shinx back.said Proffessor Oak and he handed Jamie a poke'ball. Welcome back Shinx!said Jamie,then Shinx appeared out of the poke'ball. Shinx!!Shinx!!said the Shinx and it rand over to play with Letal Well i'm sorry to be leaving now,but i have to get back to my sister's.said Jamie Hey Jamie since your headed back could you take Ash to T-Town and take him to the poka'gym there.asked Proffessor Oak Sure.said Jamie Now Ash once your there look for a female trainier named Tanza and give her this letter.She knows what to do.said Proffessor Oak Ok!said Asd But still before do you won't to take another poke'mon with you?asked Proffessor Oak Humm...Well what do you think Jamie?asked Ash Well to be honest everybody that i know from a different region that traveled to the Jetix Region carried at least two poke'mon with them.So i guess carry Pikachu and one more of your pokemon.said Jamie Well that's that then.Now who to choose?Who do you think Pikachu?asked Ash Pika..Pi!!said Pikachu I'll take Infernape with us on this journey.said Ash Tracy went back into the lab and came back out with a poke'ball.He handed it to Proffessor Oak and Proffessor Oak handed it to Ash,then he gave Ash a ticket. Here's your ticket for the boat to take you to the Jetix Region.Now your Ready!said Proffessor Oak Jamie,Ash and Pikachu walked away waving good-bye to Proffessor Oak and Tracy.On the way to Vermillion Port they talked about some of there past battles,untill they finall made it. Where finaly here!said Ash Yeah,but have you ever noticed that when your in a good conversation or something headed somewhere you seem to get there faster.said Jamie You know something you have a good point there.said Ash Pi!said Pikachu Just then it started to get dark and it started to thunder and lightning.The wind started to get stronger and then the groung started to shake. Pikaaa!shouted Pikachu What's going on?shouted Ash I don't know!said Jamie But just as quick as it stated it stopped and the sky turned blue again. Well that was scary!said Jamie I wounder what caused it?said Ash Pi..Pi..Ka!said Pikachu I don't know but it's over now so let's go.said Jamie When they finally it to the port,thay show the man there tickets,got on board and looked over the boat at the blue sea as the boat left port. Piii..Kaaa..said Pikachu sounding worried I know what you mean.said Ash What's wrong?asked Jamie I don't know.I just have a bad feeling that something bad is going to happen.said Ash What do you mean?asked Jamie I don't know i just have that feeling.said Ash Hummm.Well it's getting dark.We should get some sleep.said Jamie Sure.said Ash and they headed for there rooms. Well maybe i'm feeling like this cause i'm tired,but i was feelingthe same way when we saw the guy earlier today.said Ash Pi!said Pikachu Yea!Me too!While looking into his eye's i don't know how,but all i could fell was darkness and emptyness.said Ash Pika..Chu!said Pikachu Maybe your right so let's just consetrate on getting so slee,so we can find that Tanza person tomorrow.said Ash They both laid down and went to sleep. To Be Continued...... That was the longest twig breaking news I've ever done. I think I've said enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted March 13, 2010 Report Share Posted March 13, 2010 Eh, he stole my thunder. Epitoma: Remove parentheses, add quotation marks, remove Gary Stus, add "want" in place of "won't." You also need waaaay more background information; a fanfic should be accessible to someone who's never seen the source material. The end result should be like a published book, remember. And again, what does this have to do with Pokémon XD? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted March 13, 2010 Report Share Posted March 13, 2010 Eh' date=' he stole my thunder.[/quote'] Oh, but I like your reviews or whatever you call them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted March 13, 2010 Report Share Posted March 13, 2010 Mystery Science Ripoffs? Thank you. Having realized what I can do with the name "Jetix Region," I'll begin: [spoiler=Mystery Science Ripoff 3893: Episode 0203, Poke'monXD-Taken To The Max]Our Crew:XD-001: A Shadow Lugia, with an "Extra Dark" heart-sealing process applied. Though it's almost impossible to purify, its heart isn't as inaccessible while it is sealed, so it's pretty much usable sans purification. It's often confused at the actions of those around it, and it reacts by snarking.Umbreon: The first Pokémon partner of the original wielder of the Snag Machine, Wes. He's serious, driven, and a perfect unfunny, which is why he's here to begin with. He's also very protective of his friends; an insult to anyone he respects is generally much more offensive to him than an insult to him.Espeon: The second Pokémon partner of the original wielder of the Snag Machine, Wes. While she's less serious than her partner Umbreon, she's still no jokester. She tends to be more cynical and mean-spirited than her partner, as well, and she's less of a mentor and more of a critic. [6][5][4][3][2][1] It's been nearly a month since Ash and PikachuEspeon: Who?Umbreon: From the other series.Espeon: Aren't fics supposed to stand alone?Umbreon: Yes, but there's not much we can do about that now. had come back from the Sinnoh Region after competing in the Sinnoh Pokémon LeagueEspeon: Having been isolated from the source material, I'm completely lost.XD-001: A Pokémon League isn't such a good idea, methinks. Too many godlike entities running around.Espeon: Like you. and though they didn't come out on top, he and Pikachu still strive to become Pokémon masters.Espeon: Again, this stuff is supposed to stand alone. Give us a little background, please. Some kind of recap. Some idea of what Ash looks like or how he acts. On their way to Professor Oak’sXD-001: Whose? lab (who had called them earlier)Umbreon: ...okay, now I'm lost.XD-001: How does a lab call someone?!Umbreon: Don't ask me. something had stopped them dead in their tracks.XD-001: When are we? Now, then...?Umbreon: We didn't have much of a timeline to begin with. Pika? said PikachuEspeon: What. They saw someone in a long black leather jacket with long emerald green hair.Umbreon: Note the absence of a period.XD-001: Now that we have some amount of description, it's... woefully inadequate. Fun. I wonder who that is. said AshMetagross: ERROR 400 — CRITICAL SYNTAX FAILURE Pika? said PikachuUmbreon: Ooooh. I get it. There are no quotation marks in this story.All: ... Hey are you lost? asked Ash as they walked closer to him, but just as they got close to him he turned around.Espeon: I'm fairly certain this could have been turned into three sentences pretty easily. He stared at them with red and green eyes and a grin that sent chill's up and down there spines.XD-001: Bewear the rouge angles of satin. Ash and Pikachu slowly started backing away.Espeon: *Ash* "Take three steps back, then break for it! One, two..." There’s something not right about this guy! said AshXD-001: Then why say that where he can here you?! There's a thing called tact, y'know! Chuu! said PikachuUmbreon: I love how they aren't providing any translations.XD-001: *Ash* "What's that, Pikachu? Little Timmy fell into the well?" Just then there was a big gust of wind that came out of nowhere.XD-001: AND THEN THERE WERE ROBOTS.Espeon: Giant space flea form nowhere! Where did this wind come from! said Ash holding onto Pikachu.Umbreon: Finally, they bother with a period. Ash looked up and saw the guy standing thereXD-001: Such a vivid sentence. I can really picture it in my mind's eye. and around his neck he saw a necklace. It had black beads, four black teeth and a dragon on it.XD-001: I love how the necklace got more description than the guy wearing it. Just then the wind stopped, and Ash got back up as the guy walked off an disappeared into the darkness of the woods.Espeon: What woods? You didn't mention any woods...Umbreon: Come to think of it, where the hell are they? That was intense.Espeon: That's an... interesting choice of words. I wonder who was that guy though! said AshXD-001: The main villain, of course. Ka? said Pikachu Yeah your right, but we better hurry on to Professor Oaks. said AshUmbreon: Somehow, I get the feeling that the character with no English dialogue is going to be the most sympathetic character. This is bad. Pikachu jumped on his shoulder, they hurried own and a few minutes later they arrived at Professor Oaks lab. They went in and saw Professor Oak on his computer.Espeon: Methinks these sentences are only a bit less vivid than a third grader's. Hey Professor Oak we're here. said Ash Ahhh!All: What.Metagross: ERROR 400 — CRITICAL SYNTAX FAILURE Ash, Pikachu I’m so glad you could make it! said Professor OakAll: What.Metagross: ERROR 400 — CRITICAL SYNTAX FAILUREUmbreon: Methinks I speak for all of us when I say that made absolutely no sense. Hey Ash and Pikachu! said TracyEspeon: Whoa, wait, what? Where'd he come from? Pika!said PikachuXD-001: *Pikachu* "Translation: Whoa, wait, what? Where'd you he from? Now Ash I have a mission for you! said Professor OakUmbreon: Let me guess: "Find all the Pikkomanz in a new region, that just so happens to be called Orre." Sure! What is it? asked Ash I need you to go to the Jetix Region and help get back a experimental Pokémon that was stolen. said Professor OakUmbreon: Oooor, XD-001 may have been abducted to a programming network featuring the Power Rangers and Tokyo Mew Mew. You never know.Espeon: It's okay. I don't think any of us saw that coming.XD-001: So what does this have to do with us? I've never heard of the Jetix Region before. Where’s that? asked AshEspeon: Take a left at Disney XD and watch for transformation sequences. You can't miss it. To the far north of the Sinnoh Region. I’m surprised you've never heard of it. It’s known for being the largest region in the world and for the large number of Pokémon that have been discovered there.All: What.Umbreon: Surprised indeed. You'd think the show might have mentioned this at least once in the last seven hundred episodes. said Professor Oak Wow! Sounds exciting! When do we leave? asked AshUmbreon: *Gendo* "Your task is to pilot the synthetic lifeform Evangelion, defend the world from the attacks of the Angels, and cause something that's either Nirvana or the Apocalypse, depending on who you ask."Espeon: *Ash* "Wow! Sounds exciting! When do we leave?" Pikaaaa!said PikachuUmbreon: *Pikachu* "Translation: You've got to be kidding me! You'd think we would have heard of such a huge region in the last seven hundred episodes! It's got to be a trap!" You will leave immediently!said Professor OakAll: What. I hear the Jetix Region has a lot of fun stuff to do.Umbreon: Indeed. I find Ichigo and Robin oddly sympathetic, Power Rangers RPM is an appropriate finale to the legendary franchise, and the Powerpuff Girls are just awesome. I might visit later one day. said Tracy Me to! They have one of the best Pokémon schools in the world.Espeon: Well, they aired the two anime series, so that's technically true. Oh yeaXD-001: What is this, the Book of Mormon? "Yea" is so two centuries ago. speaking of that I know while your in the Jetix Region after you have finished your mission you just might won't to enter the Jetix Pokémon League.Metagross: ERROR 400 — CRITICAL SYNTAX ERROR said Professor Oak He passed Ash a small red and yellow box. He grabbed it and looked at it and Pikachu looked at it.Espeon: More fun second-grade sentences. Whoopee. What is this? asked Ash It's your new Dimensional Poka'dex! To activate it just put it on your arm. said Professor OakXD-001: And this differs from every other Pokédex in existence... how?Espeon: He spelled Pokémon right earlier; why does he have to resort to "a'" now? Ash set its own his arm and all of a sudden a band strapped around his arm.Espeon: "It started when an alien device did what it did / And stuck itself upon his wrist with secrets that it hid..."Umbreon: I love that song. Pi!said PikachuUmbreon: *Pikachu* "Translation: This isn't going to end well, is it." Alsome!said AshXD-001: What, pray tell, is an alsome? That Poka’dex hold data on every PokémonEspeon: I see a small problem here. discovered in the Kanto,Johto,Hoenn,and Sinnoh Regions, along with data of Pokémon from the Jetix Region. It also comes with a map of the Jetix Region.Espeon: *Pikachu* "Perimeter Patrol Zone... Lair of Doctor Drakken... Lyoko Terminal... Townsville... oh, this sounds fun.Umbreon: *Pikachu* "And of course, Ash will hit every single one of them." explained Professor Oak That's alsome!XD-001: Is this gonna be his catchphrase? now we're ready to go! said Ash excitedly Not quit! said Professor OakXD-001: DO NOT WANTEspeon: *Professor Oak* "Pikachu, do you is funking?" What do you mean? asked Ash Your going to need more than one Pokémon to win battle's in the Jetix Region, so i won't you to take two Pokémon this time.Espeon: So... many... apostrophes...Umbreon: It's alright. We're halfway there. said Professor Oak Why? asked Ash Just to be safe i won't you to carry at least two Pokémon with you, because the wild Pokémon are unbelievably strong there.Umbreon: This is what they call "Mary Suetopia."XD-001: He's right, though. Optimus Prime is a force to be reckoned with.Espeon: *Oak* "The Sponges, Starfish, and Squidwards will be easy enough for Pikachu, but you'll have a problem with the Afros and Nosehairs." So you need to carry two Pokémon with you if you plan on capturing some Pokémon from the Jetix Region. said Professor Oak Are the wild Pokémon really that strong? What about the trainers? said Ash You won't to find out?XD-001: What is it with this person and the word "won't?" said a voice Ash turned around and saw a boy standing in the door.Metagross: INTRUDER ALERT Who are you? asked Ash My name is Jamie Moon and like i asked. Do you won't to find out how strong Jetix Region trainers are? asked JamieUmbreon: We already know, thanks. Will and company are potent, Blossom's retinue is ridiculously awesome, Yusei has insane luck and a nifty personality, and don't even get me started on Sonic. Ok!said Ash Pikaa!said PikachuEspeon: *Pikachu* "Translation: You bloody moron, Ash! Do you want to kill me?!" They all went outside and Tracy was there battle anouncer.XD-001: I can't help but think those guys are completely redundant. This battle be between trainer Ash and trainer Jamie. Each trainer will only be able to use one Pokémon each. Now trainers begin! Shouted Tracy Your up Pikachu. said Ash Pika!said Pikachu and he jumped out in front of Ash ready to battle.Espeon: *Pikachu* "Translation: Well, don't say I didn't warn you." Hum...Said Jamie staring at Ash and Pikachu, and then he took out a ultra ball and threw it. Let’s go Letal.shouted JamieUmbreon: Of course it has a type advantage. Just then a Pokémon appeared that Ash had never seen before. It was completely white except for its tail,back,and what looked like a mask that was black.XD-001: You have told us nothing of value. Pikaa!!said PikachuEspeon: *Pikachu* "Translation: Of all the hideously broken Pokémon you could have picked — Matilda, Stardust Dragon, Astro-Boy, a Transformer — you picked a backwards Uboaman?! Wow! What is that poke'mon?All: WHO'S THAT POKÉMON?Espeon: He stopped using the right spelling. I guess he wanted consistency or something.said Ash and he pointed the poka'dex at it The poka'dex opened up and on the top part of th poka'dex it showed the poke'mon.Letal the armor poke'mon and the evoled form of leta.When leta evolve's,the area's on it's fur that ar rich with metal melt togather to form letal's armor.The mask on it's head,on the other hand form completly through the evolution process.Said the poka'dex then it closed back upAll: ...Umbreon: I give up. That can't possibly make sense. Now let us begin!Letal use Quick Attack!shouted Jamie Letal started charging at Pikachu at high speed. Quick Pikachu use Thunderbolt!shouted Ash Pikachu shot a bolt of thunder a Letal,but before it hit Letal disappeared.Umbreon: Even in the show, Quick Attack does not work that way. Pika!said PikachuXD-001: *Pikachu* "Translation: So here we have an Armor Pokémon that knows Quick Attack and Teleport?!" Now that's fast!Pikachu be ready.said AshEspeon: *Pikachu* "Like you need to tell me!" Just then Letal reappeared,hit Pikachu and sent him rolling back. Are you ok Pikacu? asked Ash Pikachu stood up,shook off the attack and then knotted his head.Well he's got us beat in speedAll: No.Umbreon: Pikachu used that trick practically every other episode. ,so let's try to match him in power.Pikachu use Volt Tackle!shouted Ash Wow! His Pikachu knows Volt Tackle!This Battle could've been interesting if i didn't have to go.XD-001: *Jamie* "Curse you, bodily functions!" So Letal use Giga Impact!said Jamie Letal started running torward Pikachu and was covered in a yellow energy.When Pikachu and Letal Finally collided,Pikachu was sent fling back into a tree knocking him out. Pikachu is unable to battle,Letal wins witch means Jamie wins the match.said TracyXD-001: I think they switched the names, like Link and Mido.Umbreon: Either that, or we have a Gary Stu on our hands. Ash ran to Pikachu an picked him up. Are you alright?asked Ash and Pikachu knotted his headAll: How. That was a nice battle.said JamieAll: What.Umbreon: What nice battle?! It was two attacks long! What,but we didn't even scrach Letal's armor.said AshEspeon: When Ash Ketchum is playing the straight man, you know you have a problem. Maybe not,but for you two to master volt tackle like you did is increadible.Your only the fourth person i know of who knows it volt tackle.said JamieUmbreon: *Jamie* "However, those other three didn't use it first thing like an idiot, so..." Letaaaaal!said Letal knottingEspeon: A Devil's Slip, no less. Thanks that means alot comeing from a trainier as strong as you.said AshUmbreon: What strong trainer? Well on a scale,i'm a averge strong trainier,but ther are a few trainiers in the Jetix Region who would make me look like i just started battling.said JamieEspeon: He's got a point. Batman and Xanatos live in Jetix.XD-001: If we don't meet them within two chapters, we're calling Gary Stu. Well when you put it like that,that really makes me won't to go!said Ash exciditly Pikaa!said PikachuUmbreon: *Pikachu* "Translation: Are. You. Insane." That the spirit Ash and Pikachu let nothing scare you.Oh and by the way Jamie here is you Shinx back.said Proffessor Oak and he handed Jamie a poke'ball. Welcome back Shinx!said Jamie,then Shinx appeared out of the poke'ball. Shinx!!Shinx!!said the Shinx and it rand over to play with Letal Well i'm sorry to be leaving now,but i have to get back to my sister's.said Jamie Hey Jamie since your headed back could you take Ash to T-Town and take him to the poka'gym there.Umbreon: So, basically, the hero is this guy. I think it's time we faced that fact. asked Proffessor Oak Sure.said Jamie Now Ash once your there look for a female trainier named Tanza and give her this letter.She knows what to do.said Proffessor OakEspeon: What, pray tell, does she know how to do? Ok!said Asd But still before do you won't to take another poke'mon with you?asked Proffessor OakXD-001: Psst! Ash! I think the story is trying to tell you something! Humm...Well what do you think Jamie?asked Ash Well to be honest everybody that i know from a different region that traveled to the Jetix Region carried at least two poke'mon with them.So i guess carry Pikachu and one more of your pokemon.said Jamie Well that's that then.Now who to choose?Who do you think Pikachu?asked Ash Pika..Pi!!said PikachuUmbreon: *Pikachu* "Translation: You should probably take a veteran, like Charizard or Noctowl. We're gonna need 'em if we're gonna face Sergeant Bash." I'll take Infernape with us on this journey.said AshEspeon: *Pikachu* "This is what they call 'headdesk.'" Tracy went back into the lab and came back out with a poke'ball.He handed it to Proffessor Oak and Proffessor Oak handed it to Ash,then he gave Ash a ticket. Here's your ticket for the boat to take you to the Jetix Region.Now your Ready!said Proffessor Oak Jamie,Ash and Pikachu walked away waving good-bye to Proffessor Oak and Tracy.On the way to Vermillion Port they talked about some of there past battles,untill they finall made it.Umbreon: The longest stretch of time in the story has been given absolutely no detail. Yay. Where finaly here!said AshMetagross: ERROR 400 — CRITICAL SYNTAX FAILURE Yeah,but have you ever noticed that when your in a good conversation or something headed somewhere you seem to get there faster.said JamieUmbreon: So now it's like /Lucky Star/, except terrible, and with less lesbians. You know something you have a good point there.said Ash Pi!said Pikachu Just then it started to get dark and it started to thunder and lightning.The wind started to get stronger and then the groung started to shake. Pikaaa!shouted PikachuEspeon: *Pikachu* "Translation: I told you so!" What's going on?shouted Ash I don't know!said Jamie But just as quick as it stated it stopped and the sky turned blue again. Well that was scary!said Jamie I wounder what caused it?said Ash Pi..Pi..Ka!said PikachuXD-001: *Pikachu* "Translation: It couldn't be the exact same thing that caused it last time, could it?" I don't know but it's over now so let's go.said Jamie When they finally it to the port,thay show the man there tickets,got on board and looked over the boat at the blue sea as the boat left port.Umbreon: See, you put so much emphasis on unimportant conversations, and then you just gloss over the actual events... It's worrying. Piii..Kaaa..said Pikachu sounding worried I know what you mean.said Ash What's wrong?asked Jamie I don't know.I just have a bad feeling that something bad is going to happen.said Ash What do you mean?asked JamieAll: What do you think?! I don't know i just have that feeling.said Ash Hummm.Well it's getting dark.We should get some sleep.said Jamie Sure.said Ash and they headed for there rooms. Well maybe i'm feeling like this cause i'm tired,but i was feelingthe same way when we saw the guy earlier today.said Ash Pi!said Pikachu Yea!Me too!While looking into his eye's i don't know how,but all i could fell was darkness and emptyness.said Ash Pika..Chu!said PikachuEspeon: *Pikachu* "Translation: You never looked into his eyes..." Maybe your right so let's just consetrate on getting so slee,so we can find that Tanza person tomorrow.said Ash They both laid down and went to sleep. To Be Continued...... The rouge angles of satin seem to have deployed their legions on this fic. 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viserdragon Posted March 15, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2010 What does my story have to do with Poke'mon XD you ask. Nothing! Now i have a ? for you two Supreme Gamesmaster and Twig. What do you really think of my story and be honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted March 15, 2010 Report Share Posted March 15, 2010 Oops, forgot the summary. Epitoma: There are no quotation marks. There's a raging Gary Stu who wields what I presume is an armored Uboaman who can somehow teleport. Rouge angles of satin make the storey awl butt unreedible. The title is misleading. And yet, with revision, this could theoretically work. By "revision," of course, I mean a high school education in English and a lot more effort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted March 15, 2010 Report Share Posted March 15, 2010 There are many grammar and punctuation errors. The main problem was the lack of punctuation marks. The chapter was boring to be honest. It's just like what Ash has done four times in the anime. I was hoping it would be different. There was also a lack of details. You're writing about a new Pokemon. We don't really know what it looks like since you just gave us a basic description. That's about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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