Gushi Kenji : Long preview << Feedback please...

[Niño]

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This Fan-Fic is based off a character in the Shaman King novel

 

Preview

“The streets of Hinyomora are a tough place to live... if you don’t take care of yourself, no one will... my name is Gushi Kenji, pleased to make your acquaintance” These words echoed in the head of Moon Grey, an English transfer student.

 

As Moon’s eyes widened he saw a tall, thin man standing over him, a tall Afro hung upon his head and his eyes were shadowed out by the ledge of his brow, the most distinct thing that I remember though, was his moustache, it just hung there, as if a trophy above his huge goofy grin.

 

“Wh-Where am I?” Moon stammered, “Where you were the minute you got beat up son” Gushi replied in a cheeky manner, “that’s right, oh god, no! No! No! This can’t be happening!” “What is it son?” “My clothes, he took all my clothes, and my bags, all my medical research, everything”

 

 

Gushi paused for a moment, looking at Moon, slumped on the floor, his long, brown hair sprawled across his, Gushi’s face grew pitiful, “...I’ll tell you what son, my place, it ain’t perfect, but if you help out around the house, do your bit, I’ll be more than glad to lend you a place to stay until you get back on your feet” “but, but why?” “Because look at you son! You got no food, no clothes not even a penny to spare” Gushi said in his gritty blues filled voice, Moon smiled, at that fraction the smile cracked Gushi sparred out his hand and with that, Moon grasped his hand levered himself up.

 

Gushi opened the door, and as he did he said proudly “this is it” ...there was nothing to be proud of, it was a beat down apartment, as hard as one may have tried to keep it clean the rot and grime would just build up and the apartment would become dirt filled, yet again.

 

“Nice place you’ve got hear” Moon said, refraining from a sarcastic tone, “yeah, it is, isn’t it, it’s no mansion, but it’s home” Moon looked at Gushi in awe, he knew that was the kind of man he had always wanted to be, the kind that didn’t need the luxury life style to enjoy what they had. Yet Moon suffered a terrible symptom that nearly all of the human population suffers, greed.

 

“You want anything to eat kid?” Gushi said as he rummaged through his fridge, “Nothing for me thanks” Moon replied, daring not think what was actually may lurk in this sort of fridge.

 

“My debut at a new arena is this Sunday, you want to pop along?” “Your debut match?” Moon called from the other room as he brushed his fingers across dusty medals, “yeah, I’m a Boxer” “Pro?” Moon questioned, doubtfully, Moon’s suspicions were correct, as Moon got the reply he expected, a solemn “No.” You see, Gushi always wanted to break into professional Boxing, but he never had the cut...

 

Characters

Gushi Kenji - A Solemn, Black, Soul fighting Boxer, hoping to get it in big time.

 

Moon Grey - A Medical Student that follows Gushi in his persuit to become a professional Boxer.

 

Feedback?

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[Corinthian]

This is pretty good, despite a few grammar errors. I'm not sure you did this on purpose, but it is better if you start a new paragraph everytime someone new speaks, although the way you did it makes it seem more realistic. Pretty nice job, I hope you continue it.

[Niño]

Thanks, and yeah I did it on purpose, I feel it gives it that more realistic edge, as you said, thankyou for your views and I will most definantly try to improve on my grammar, and yes, I will be continuing it.