Pichu Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 WARNING! PLEASE READ!:The following story contains blood, gore and, horror.Description:When 2 sisters,Molly and Taylor, invite a friend over for a sleepover, the older brother, Max, invites his friend over to scare the girls. The boys make up a story of a killer that lived in the house before them to tell the girls, but the boy's story was true! Can the kids get away from a ghost that's trying to kill them!Well here it is The Bloody Note! Enjoy![spoiler= Chapter 1- Ring, Ring....]"Mom, get the cookies", yelled Molly."Sorry I can right now, me and your Dad are leaving and Alexis will be here any time now". "Mom!" I yelled. "What?" "Their sleepover is tonight!?!" "Yeah don't you remember." "But Nate is coming over." "Well too bad, Maxwell" yelled Mom. "It's Max", I said. Ding dong. Taylor and Molly ran to the door. Taylor opened the door to see Nate. "Hey girls, is Max there?" said Nate. "Yes he ..." Molly said right before Taylor interrupted her. "He pouting about how our sleepover is tonight." Taylor was always the loud and noisy one. Mom and Dad left when Alexis came. It was only five o'clock. The girls were calling boys which Mom said not to do, but come on. What else are three 13 year old girls going to do at a sleepover. Nate and I were playing video games, which is what two 15 year old boys should do at a sleepover. Then my cell phone rang. "Hello", I said into the phone. I heard deep breathing then, whoever it was, hung up. Later at seven, is when the real-life horror movie started. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bakupenguin Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 ill see what i can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 Short. Seriously short. New speak new line. On this, it's about 80% dialouge, so maybe not for every new speaker, but yeah. One paragraph chapter? Not exactly the best, thought it would be better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted February 21, 2010 Report Share Posted February 21, 2010 I haven't done this in a while. TWIG BREAKING NEWS! Chapter 1- Ring' date=' Ring...."Mom, get the cookies", yelled Molly."Sorry I can right now, me and your Dad are leaving and Alexis will be here any time now". "Mom!" I yelled. "What?" "Their sleepover is tonight!?!" First off, new dialogue=new paragraph. [spoiler=Wrong way]"Mom, get the cookies", yelled Molly."Sorry I can right now, me and your Dad are leaving and Alexis will be here any time now". "Mom!" I yelled. "What?" "Their sleepover is tonight!?!" [spoiler=Right way]"Mom, get the cookies", yelled Molly."Sorry I can right now, me and your Dad are leaving and Alexis will be here any time now". "Mom!" I yelled. "What?" "Their sleepover is tonight!?!" Second, it's not "me and your dad", it's "your dad and I".Third, it says, "Sorry, I can right now." What? Why would she say she's sorry if she can? "Yeah don't you remember." "But Nate is coming over." "Well too bad, Maxwell" yelled Mom. "It's Max", I said. Ding dong. 1st sentence there. Shouldn't it be a question? Where the heck is the question mark. 3rd sentence there. Isn't she shouting? Where the heck is the exclamation point? Taylor and Molly ran to the door. Taylor opened the door to see Nate. "Hey girls, is Max there?" said Nate. "Yes he ..." Molly said right before Taylor interrupted her. "He pouting about how our sleepover is tonight." "He pouting" Where is 'is'? Taylor was always the loud and noisy one. Mom and Dad left when Alexis came. It was only five o'clock. The girls were calling boys which Mom said not to do, but come on. What else are three 13 year old girls going to do at a sleepover. Nate and I were playing video games, which is what two 15 year old boys should do at a sleepover. This is one messed up paragraph. Lots of off topic sentence coming out of no where. Once minute you're talking about Taylor and Molly, then you're talking about Alexis, then the time, then the girls, then the boys. See how confusing it is? Then my cell phone rang. "Hello", I said into the phone. I heard deep breathing then, whoever it was, hung up. Later at seven, is when the real-life horror movie started. lolcliches. "Then my cell phone rang." That was a boring sentence. The whole third sentence was a run-on. Last sentence shouldn't be there. There was many grammar and punctuation errors, there was hardly any details, it was super short, it was hard to read, and it was overall boring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted February 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2010 thank you for that PEP TALK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted February 21, 2010 Report Share Posted February 21, 2010 Glad to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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