Ash's Proposal- The Wait is Over! Ch 3 P3 and Ch4 POSTED!

[Compass]

Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. There's a simple way to test this.

Pichu, why don't you post a picture of a pichu on your deviant-art account? That one with the moving arms down at the bottom, or some other way to know it's you. That way, you can prove that it's your account. ^.^

[Legokun]

that is ether a smart idea, or i need a coconut tree thrown at me.

Anyway, this is a decent pokemon fanfic, if not the only pokemon fanfic on this site.

[Pichu]

if all the fightind goes on... I WILL NOT POST CH3 P3!!!!

[Twig]

Since you actually posted some of you're own work. Just post in big, bold, caps font that says, "CHAPTER 1 WAS MADE BY ADAM IN DEVIANT ART" Then post a link to it.

 

That would be fine.

 

Also, stop lying. I'm getting tired of it.

[Pichu]

Do you want me to post a link

[Kaisu]

We already have one -.-

 

And Bran, you dunno nothing.

 

This is called theivery.

[Twig]

Do you want me to post a link

 

That and put in big, bold, caps font that says, "CHAPTER 1 WAS MADE BY ADAM IN DEVIANT ART".

[Pichu]

I did that

your welcome

[Twig]

I did that

your welcome

 

Thank you for cooperating. Good day.

[Pichu]

Good day to you too.

[Mrs. SHINee <3]

Almost had a heart attack while reading this. It mad romantic but just has a pinch of action and a sprinkle of comedy.

[Frybread002]

Umm.......this is most likely a statement that shouldn't be said.....but um.......

 

Well when the Pokemon series started I was 4, and Ash was 10 (that's the age for trainers go out on there adventures and stuff). But 11 years later, and going by common sense here, Ash would about 21 to 27 when Dawn's character would introduced.

 

Add another 6 years down the road, Ash would be in his mid 20s to his early 30s, while Dawn on the other hand would be about 15 to 17 years old.

 

Again, this is most likely an statement that shouldn't be said.

[Kaisu]

kainine kaisu i know lots of things...i am top in my class....just stop argung people and let him post the rest of the fanfic...

 

And that's relevant because..?

 

If you are the top of the class, good for you, I don't care.

And honestly, capitalise properly.. -.- Also, spell properly.

[Pichu]

Almost had a heart attack while reading this. It mad romantic but just has a pinch of action and a sprinkle of comedy.

well thank you

 

Umm.......this is most likely a statement that shouldn't be said.....but um.......

 

Well when the Pokemon series started I was 4' date=' and Ash was 10 (that's the age for trainers go out on there adventures and stuff). But 11 years later, and going by common sense here, Ash would about 21 to 27 when Dawn's character would introduced.

 

Add another 6 years down the road, Ash would be in his mid 20s to his early 30s, while Dawn on the other hand would be about 15 to 17 years old.

 

Again, this is most likely an statement that shouldn't be said.

[/quote']

i know

im doing REAL LIFE

just how i want it

[bran2939]

Well just let -pichu- post the rest of the fanfic.

[Pichu]

thank you

CH3 P3 WILL BE UP TOMORROW

AND A LITTLE BIT OF CHAPTER 4

[Frybread002]

Almost had a heart attack while reading this. It mad romantic but just has a pinch of action and a sprinkle of comedy.

well thank you

 

Umm.......this is most likely a statement that shouldn't be said.....but um.......

 

Well when the Pokemon series started I was 4' date=' and Ash was 10 (that's the age for trainers go out on there adventures and stuff). But 11 years later, and going by common sense here, Ash would about 21 to 27 when Dawn's character would introduced.

 

Add another 6 years down the road, Ash would be in his mid 20s to his early 30s, while Dawn on the other hand would be about 15 to 17 years old.

 

Again, this is most likely an statement that shouldn't be said.

[/quote']

i know

im doing REAL LIFE

just how i want it

 

Hahahaha alright man. But just so you know, I didn't mean to bag you down or anything. I was just thinking out loud

[Pichu]

i know i thought about that after i posted ch2

[Pichu]

CH 3 P3 and CH 4 posted!

[CrabHelmet]

The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

Even though that big bold today-is-a-day-for-Foe-Fiction wall of text has always mentioned both warm and fuzzy relationship stories and bizarre McCoy/Snape pairings, this eighteenth installment is the first actual shipping fic being covered. But before we begin, there are two very big problems here.

 

The first is the idea that Ash could ever fall in love with anyone except me!

 

Indeed, this is an Ash/Dawn story, and we all know that Ash/Anten Ash/Misty is the one true pairing. This failure is inexcusable. The other failure, however, is even worse - possibly the worst single failure in any Foe Fic. You see, we're starting with:

 

Chapter 2: I Heard Nothing

 

"Crab Helmet, you paragon of excellence, why aren't we starting with Chapter 1?", you may ask. And the answer is simple.

 

Plagiarism! Unforgivable plagiarism! This villain copied Chapter 1 from a legitimate author and tried to pass it off as his own, only admitting to the theft and linking to the original story after being exposed as a thief and receiving significant pressure to give the original author due credit! This appalling action would get you expelled from any proper institution!

 

I'm not sure whether "legitimate" is really how I'd describe some guy on DeviantArt, but compared to a thief who won't even write his own stories, just about anyone is legitimate.

 

Anyhow, since -Pichu- was too lazy to write Chapter 1, I'm too lazy to read Chapter 1. A skim of the very start tells me that Ash and Dawn have been an unmarried couple for six years and are now living together, so there's been a big time skip, and that's all I'm going to find out. I didn't play Kingdom Hearts before riffing the Kingdom Hearts fanfics, and since this is practically a fanfic of someone else's fanfic (except with a complete inversion of the usual I Do Not Own disclaimer), I see no reason to read the original fanfic that -Pichu- is ripping off building off.

 

Part 1

 

The chapter is broken into two parts; I'll decide when I get to the end of Part 1 whether I feel like covering Part 2.

 

Piplup walked down the main hall and ran upstairs.

"Who said that?" Ash said after hearing Dawn's girlish yell.

 

Non-sequitur much? What do these two sentences have in common that warrants putting them together?

 

Anyhow, it feels really awkward having Ash respond to Dawn's - wait, "girlish yell"?

 

Hey, what's with this negatively-stereotyped portrayal of women? After we jumped forward 6+ years, Dawn's an adult women, so why is she making a "girlish yell"? I cannot accept this corrupted, sinful world that would produce this misogyny!

 

It's not often that we reach something that's not just bad but offensively bad in the very second sentence. Of course, it's also not often that we reach something that's not just bad but legally questionable before we even begin.

 

Anyhow, it feels really awkward having Ash respond to Dawn's, ahem, yell before we are even told that she yelled.

 

Incidentally, this story is composed almost entirely of individual sentences with single line breaks between them but is largely without blank lines separating anything resembling paragraphs. This does not resemble any actual formatting style known to those fluent in the English language and makes everything that much harder to read.

 

Ash walked up to the bedroom door. Dawn ran down to the living room so quick, she knocked Piplup down the stairs.

 

SLAPSTICK COMEDY GOLD

 

"Sorry Piplup." Dawn said as she sat down on her chair.

 

Dawn: "Oops! I accidentally kicked you down the stairs! My bad!"

Piplup: "Pippiplup piplup!" ["Someone, help! My skull is fractured!"]

 

Ash walked downstairs and turned on the T.V.

 

Piplup: "Piplup!" ["You're ignoring me too!? I've been mortally wounded!"]

 

They don't care about Piplup's plight because they're not close friends with Piplup.

 

"Did you yell upstairs?" Ash asked.

 

This is how Ash responds to hearing his girlfriend, with whom he is allegedly very much in love, yell - he waits a while, walks downstairs, turns on the television, and then finally asks her if she yelled. I obviously don't support Ash/Dawn, but this story seems like it doesn't either and is actively arguing that the two are a terrible couple.

 

"Uhhhh.. Well." Dawn barely said.

"What?"

 

That was pretty much my response to this whole story, except flatter, like this: "What."

 

"I did. I lost an... earring."

"Oh. Ok then."

 

Ash obviously doesn't care because Ash and Dawn aren't friends either.

 

Ash has no interest in Dawn's silly girlish problems because Ash, like -Pichu-, is a man and women are stupid and scream for stupid reasons like losing earrings because they're silly and aren't as great as men, though they are needed to be romantic partners for men so at least they have some valid use, even if they are just silly little girls pretending to be adults.

 

I hate this story.

 

Both wondered about the weird little talk.

 

Indeed, their talk was weird. There was no chemistry at all in it, and a shipping fic with no chemistry is a failure. I'm guessing that both of them are thinking about how awkward that exchange of words proves their relationship is. Maybe Ash is wondering how best to break up with Dawn and ask Misty out.

 

Piplup, Pikachu, and Grotle walked in.

"Pip, pip, piplup!" Piplup burled out.

 

["I need medical attention, quick! Call Nurse Joy!"]

 

"Pika?"

"Grot, Gort?"

Both Pikachu and Grotle stared at Piplup.

 

This dialogue is better than the dialogue between the lovebirds Ash and Dawn above. And that's terrible.

 

"What's wrong Piplup?" Dawn asked the little penguin PokeMon.

Piplup tugged Dawn's leg.

"Pip, lup, lup, lup!"

Piplup walked into the main hall and up the stairway. Dawn followed.

"What is it Piplup" Dawn told Piplup.

 

When I am teaching my sixth-grade English class how to write more eloquently - and it's not easy to get them to listen to me, since, despite being a Professor, I am also a Young Boy not much older than my students - one of the things I do is give them a sheet of paper listing many words that can be used instead of the word "said". This is to encourage them to make their diction more interesting by promoting variety and more interesting words instead of just using "said" a thousand times.

 

Some of my less intelligent pupils, however, do not seem to realize that these words have different uses and meanings, and just plug them into random locations without regard for where they apply. For example, they ignore that, although "told" is useful if one character is giving instructions or stating information, it is completely inappropriate to use it when a character is asking a question and requesting information.

 

Especially if they just asked exactly that same question three lines ago and are being unnecessarily redundant.

 

Ash closely followed Dawn and Piplup. Piplup walked into Ash and Dawn's bedroom and walked to the drawer

where Ash put the ring and notepad with his "chores".

 

I don't know what the ring, notepad, and "chores" are, since I skipped Chapter 1 and have no intention of actually reading it, but given that this story is titled "Ash's Proposal" and Ash and Dawn have been dating and living together for a long time, I'm guessing that Ash is planning to propose to Dawn or something. (And by "something", I mean Misty.)

 

"Oh no!" Ash thought. He rushed in and steped in front of the drawer.

 

Spelling: 0/10. Improvement needed. Proofread and spellcheck. See me after class.

 

"Ash move! Piplup wants to show me something." Dawn yelled at Ash.

 

I believe you mean "girlishly yelled".

 

"Uhhhh..Wanta make out?" Ash said.

 

As pathetic as Ash is at trying to make his saving throw here, it is consistent with how he acts under pressure in the actual anime when he's trying to hide something. Still, it's rather disappointing that the author has made Ash such a static character that, in the 6+ intervening years in which Ash has grown from a boy into a man, this has not changed at all.

 

Ash, how dare you take advantage of a girl's feelings for your own selfish purposes! This is unforgivable! I am the chosen guardian of earth, love, and justice! Ann 10! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!

 

"Uhhhh, no. I wanta see want Piplup wants to show me." Dawn said.

"Hey, look over there!" Ash yelled while poniting at Grotle. When Dawn turned her head,

 

See? Dawn fell for the ancient "LOOK OVER THERE" trick because she's a woman and women are all stupid.

 

Ash pulled opened the drawer and grabed his stuff for the night.

"It's only Grotle, Ash. Now Move!" Dawn said, now really mad.

"Ok, I will." Ash walked away and picked up Pikachu.

"Thank you." Dawn said to Ash.

 

This dialogue has so much quality. The chemistry omnipresent in this story's dialogue is what makes this such a great shipping fic.

 

Ash, then walked downstairs to the smallest bedroom which Dawn and Ash turned into a computer room.

 

That was just about the most random place to insert some exposition imaginable. Still, at least Ash's arrival there will shut up Vector's instructions that we FIND DA COMPUTER ROOM!

 

Dawn opened the drawer and looked around.

"Hmmmm.. I don't see anything Pip..." Dawn said as she spoted a recpit for a wedding ring.

"Oh my gosh!" Dawn said staring at the recpit.

 

Quite an understated reaction to virtually receiving a proposal.

 

She closed the drawer and walked out of the bedroom.

 

And that's how Piplup got its revenge on Ash and Dawn for ignoring its life-threatening injury by stirring up romantic drama.

 

Part 2

 

Oh, no. Not a chance. I'm done here and have no desire to go any further into this abomination.

 

It's not the hideous formatting. It's not the atrocious spelling and grammar. It's not the wrong pairing. It's not the wooden dialogue. It's not the complete lack of chemistry. It's not the most pathetic rom-com plot imaginable. In fact, it's not even the plagiarism, though that alone is an abominably great offense.

 

All of those are certainly major problems that plague this story, but they would just make it a mundanely bad story, like any other bad story. But stops me from reading further is infinitely more horrifying than those ordinary failures.

 

It's the misogyny.

 

In the brief section - only half a chapter - that I covered, -Pichu- went out of his way on three occasions to show that the grown-up Dawn is a silly little girl. And it's not just chance. The first time has her scream explicitly described as "girlish", and the second time is related to something primarily feminine. Dawn idiotically falling for the oldest trick in the book might have been excused were it not for the context that makes it clear that her foolishness is directly connected to her being female, and while Ash's attempts to deter Dawn are pathetic, they still work, and he doesn't do anything portrayed as being nearly as silly as her actions. There isn't any wiggle-room here; this is a clearly and consistently misogynist story.

 

Most Foe Fics leave me laughing at how stupid the author is, but this is different. Obviously this still has me laughing at how stupid -Pichu- is, but that's not all; it also has me hating -Pichu- personally, as what he has written has betrayed a disgusting form of bigotry and reveals him to be an absolutely horrible person.

 

So I'm not going to end by saying that -Pichu- is an idiot or a terrible writer, or that Ash's Proposal is a terrible story. Those things are all true, but that's not the main issue here. The main issue is that Ash's Proposal is offensive to anyone with the most remotely decent sensibilities, and -Pichu- is a hateful person who is somewhere beneath pond scum.

 

-Pichu-, you are a horrible, woman-hating thief, and the world would lose nothing of value if you were to drop dead today.