vengeful lemonS Posted February 7, 2010 Report Share Posted February 7, 2010 [align=center]Dorothy Willingham, heir to one of the dukedom, has just turned fifteen. Her life is rich and carefree. At her coming-of-age ceremony, however, everything changes. For no reason that she can discern, she is cast into a hell known as the "Limbo"(the 1st of the 9 rings), only to be saved by a "guardian" known as Todo, the large black spectral dog. The mystery there begins as Dorothy unravels the mystery behind the strange organization known as The Rings of Dante. [spoiler=charcters][spoiler=Dorothy Willingham]Name:Dorothy Willinghamgender:femaleage:15apperance:Dorothy is 5'00" and wieghs 100 lbs.she has bright brown hair that gos down to her mid-back.she normaly wears a white gown with 2 gold lines that go down each end.after being thrown into limbo she is given a red coat with white diamond design and white boots.background:Dorothy has had an overall good life. Every since she coud talk she was catered to her every whim. Eeing the heir to a noble dukedom she lived a life of luxary.Although she didnt have many friends she made one with her servant Elroy.Dorothy and Elroy were insperableplaying almost everyday when it did not conflict with her studies. when Elroy wasnt allowed to play with her, she usually played with her older brother Franz.on the night of her coming-of-age ceremony Elroy mysteriously disappeared. [spoiler=Elroy Gale]name:Elroy Galegender:maleage:17apperance:Elroy is about 5'7" and wieghs 170 lbs.he has dark black hair that covers his forehead.He has dark green eyes.he usaully wears a dark blue coat and pants and wears a white undershirt and red tie. once he entered limbo he was given a black over coat and tophat .background:Elroy was sold by his fatherwhen he was 5 to the Willingham family.Since being put to work he was assigned to watch and protect dorothy even though he was only 2 years older than her.on the night of Dorothys ceremony he was killed and taken to limbo since then he has befriended a guardian known as " the Scarecrow ". [spoiler=Franz Willingham]Name:Franz Willinghamgender:maleage:23apperance:Franz is 5'11" and wieghs 178 lbs.he has bright red hair.He has calm grey eyes. He usually wears a white Suit trimed with gold and white pants.Background:Franz has always been a loving brother to Dorothy,but when he was 15 he started attending war,plotics,and other high class meetings and in turn had little time to even talk with Dorothy. 2 years before Dorothy's ceremony he suddenly vanished.There is no innformation wether or not he went to limbo. [spoiler=Edward Baskerville]name:Edward Baskervillegender:maleage:17apperance:He is 5'8" and wieghs 150lbs.He has blonde hair that goes down to his neck and red eyes that break any calm momment.he wears a white suit and pants to show his noblity off.once he entered limbohe was given a black suit and pants he was also given a cane.background:no info yet? [spoiler=art][spoiler=elroy] [spoiler=edward] [spoiler=chapters][spoiler=prologue]As the crystal clear water of the sea clashed against the rocky cliffs that bordered the castle from where I stood, I wondered what was to come once my ceremony was over. Just thinking about it made me excited. Knock, knock, knock. "Dorothy, may I come in milady?" said a voice from behind the door. “Just a minute,” I replied as I closed the floor to ceiling window like doors. "Elroy, where have you been all day? I’ve been worried!” I said to him as I opened the door. Elroy was wearing his usual suit and tie and had his signature black messy hair going again. "Dorothy I was setting up for your ceremony, and you were supposed to meet me down there half an hour ago!” Elroy said angrily to me.Taking me by the hand, he led me down to the courtyard. The courtyard was filled with all different types of flowers from all over England. The flowers weren’t the only thing that caught my eye. The courtyard was also filled with statues of the most marvelous things such as the powerful centaur that seemed to govern the rest of the statues. As Elroy and I walked through the courtyard, servants were setting up for my ceremony tomorrow night, and in the center was a familiar face. "Ah Dorothy. There you are.” said a man dressed in a white coat and pants. He had blond hair that went down past his neck. "We were beginning to worry that you weren’t going to come down," he said as he sat down. “Edward, what are you doing here?” I said in amazement. "I thought you were still in Paris.””Nonsense, I would never miss her highness’ coming of age ceremony now could I?” said Edward. "Humph. Still as annoying as ever I see Edward. “ said Elroy. ”Well, well mister grumpy bear. You’re acting like your usual self as well I see," said Edward with a laugh. "Hey you two stop fighting!” I yelled."Yes Milady," said Elroy pulling a chair out for me to sit in."He he he such a suck up!” said Edward laughing. As the two boys went on fighting I decided to explore around the inner walls of the castle.”Milady! Milady! Where are you?””Did you lose her again El-roy? You’re so useless," said Edward sitting by a broken statue in the middle of another courtyard. It was surrounded by a ring of brick stones that seemed to touch the sky. The vibrant green ground showed that not many people had been this far in the castle.“It would help if you were looking too Ed,” Elroy got up and walked over to Edward.”You expect me to get this beautiful face dirty!?! How could you think of such a thing?” said Edward while putting a lollipop in his mouth.”Great it’s bad enough Miladies is missing, now I’m stuck with you," said Elroy.“Huh? Hey Elroy, Edward look what I found,” I said from the window of a tower north of where the two boys were standing.”Come up here!” I said again. ”Milady, you need to stop running off like that," said Elroy running up the stairs.”Ya I was woeeied amout poo,” said Edward with a giant lollypop in his mouth. “Well just look at what I found” I said showing them the shrine I had found. It was probably five feet off the ground and three feet wide. Various imprints of faces were shown on the shrine. “What do suppose it is?” “I don’t know Milady.” [editors]twigKaiNine Kaisu[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vengeful lemonS Posted February 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted February 8, 2010 Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 PANDORA HEARTS RIPOFF Just with The Wizard of Oz instead of Alice in Wonderland. Now, unless you can prove to me why the above statement is false, I'll discount this fic and any of your future writing attempts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vengeful lemonS Posted February 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 im not going to lie yes it is and go ahead im already being doubted ... wait did you say if i dont tell the truth? anyways did you like other then the fact its a ripoff? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted February 8, 2010 Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 im not going to lie yes it is and go ahead im already being doubted ... wait did you say if i dont tell the truth? anyways did you like other then the fact its a ripoff? To be honest, no. Your grammar, capitalization, and sentence/paragraph structure is atrocious. Clean that up, and then I'll read through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vengeful lemonS Posted February 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 ok thnx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted February 8, 2010 Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 Well, well, well... First glance, doesn't seem that good. [spoiler=So, for now, let's BRING IT TO THE DAWGS! YEAH!]Dorothy Willingham' date=' heir to one of the dukedom, has just turned fifteen. Her life is rich and carefree. At her coming-of-age ceremony, however, everything changes. For no reason that she can discern, she is cast into a hell known as the "Limbo"(the 1st of the 9 rings), only to be saved by a "guardian" known as Todo, the large black spectral dog. The mystery there begins as Dorothy unravels the mystery behind the strange organization known as The Rings of Dante.Shouldn't be this in I dunno.. A spoiler saying 'Plot'?[spoiler=charcters]Are you serious? A character list? Man, I hate these...[spoiler=Dorothy Willingham]La-la-la I'mma rippoff character..Name:Dorothy Willinghamgender:femaleage:15apperance:Dorothy is 5'00" and wieghs 100 lbs.she has bright brown hair that gos down to her mid-back.she normaly wears a white gown with 2 gold lines that go down each end.after being thrown into limbo she is given a red coat with white diamond design and white boots.background:Dorothy has had an overall good life. Every since she coud talk she was catered to her every whim. Eeing the heir to a noble dukedom she lived a life of luxary.Although she didnt have many friends she made one with her servant Elroy.Dorothy and Elroy were insperableplaying almost everyday when it did not conflict with her studies. when Elroy wasnt allowed to play with her, she usually played with her older brother Franz.on the night of her coming-of-age ceremony Elroy mysteriously disappeared. [spoiler=Elroy Gale]name:Elroy Galegender:maleage:17apperance:Elroy is about 5'7" and wieghs 170 lbs.he has dark black hair that covers his forehead.He has dark green eyes.he usaully wears a dark blue coat and pants and wears a white undershirt and red tie. once he entered limbo he was given a black over coat and tophat .background:Elroy was sold by his fatherwhen he was 5 to the Willingham family.Since being put to work he was assigned to watch and protect dorothy even though he was only 2 years older than her.on the night of Dorothys ceremony he was killed and taken to limbo since then he has befriended a guardian known as " the Scarecrow ". [spoiler=Franz Willingham]Name:Franz Willinghamgender:maleage:23apperance:Franz is 5'11" and wieghs 178 lbs.he has bright red hair.He has calm grey eyes. He usually wears a white Suit trimed with gold and white pants.Background:Franz has always been a loving brother to Dorothy,but when he was 15 he started attending war,plotics,and other high class meetings and in turn had little time to even talk with Dorothy. 2 years before Dorothy's ceremony he suddenly vanished.There is no innformation wether or not he went to limbo. [spoiler=Edward Baskerville]And I'm scared of this dog that's ripping up this story... Because IMMA SHERLOCK HOLMES CHARACTER! WITH A DIFFERENT FIRST NAME! AND STORY!name:Edward Baskervillegender:maleage:17apperance:He is 5'8" and wieghs 150lbs.He has blonde hair that goes down to his neck and red eyes that break any calm momment.he wears a white suit and pants to show his noblity off.once he entered limbohe was given a black suit and pants he was also given a cane.background:no info yet? [spoiler=art]HUUUUUGE much?[spoiler=elroy] [spoiler=edward] [spoiler=chapters][spoiler=prologue]England How bland. Oh, capitalize properly as well. Forgot to put that down before. As the cyrstal clear waters of the sea clashed agaisnt the rocky cliffs that bordered the castle from where I stood ,Well.. Spacebar, too early!I wondered what was to come once my ceremony was over. Just thinking about it made me excieted.One word - SPELLCHECK Knock,knock,knock.SPACE”Dorothy may I come in milady?” Do you know how wierd that sounds? Try 'May I come in Milady?' or 'Dorothy may I come in?'said a voice from behind the door. NEW LINE“Just a minute.” I replied as I closed the floor to ceiling window like doors.”Elroy, where have you been all day? I’ve been worried!.” I said to him as I opened the door. Elroy was wearing his usall suit and tie and had his signature black messy hair going again.SPACE, and use '"' not '' or something..”Dorothy I was setting up for your ceremony and you were supposed to meet me down there half an hour ago!”Elroy said angrily to me Pointless space... Taking me by the hand he led me down to the courtyard.New speaker, new line..”Ah Dorothy there you are.” said a man dressed in a white coat and pants. He had blonde hair that went down past his neck.”We were beginning to worry that you weren’t going to come down”SPACEhe said as he sat down. “Edward what are you doing here?” I said in amasement.Amusement or Azamement? The second, I don't think even is a word. And SPACE”I thought you were still in Paris?”.Wow. NEW SMILY EVERYOENE! "."”Nonesence,SPELLCHECK! I would never miss her higness’s coming of age ceremony now could I pointless space?”said edward.SPACE”H, capitalize properlyhmph still as annoying as ever double space??? I see Edward.”said Elroy.”well,well mister grumpy bear your actting like your usuall self as well I see.”said Edward with a laugh.”Hey you two stop fighting!” I yelled.”Yes Milady “said Elroy pulling a chair out for me to sit in.”HeheHe What's with all the caps?your such a suck up!” said Edward Laughing.As the two boys went on fighting I decied to explore around the inner walls of the castle.”Milady!Milady!Where are you?””Did you loose What is she? A shoelace?her again El-roy?your so useless.”said Edward sitting by a broken statue.”it would help if you were looking too ed.”Elroy got up and walked over to Edward.”You expect me to get this beautiful face dirty!?! How could you think of such a thing?”said Edward while putting a lollypop in his mouth.”Great its bad enough Milady is missing,now im stuck with a f**.”said Elroy”Huh? Hey Elroy,Edward look what I found.”I said from the window of a tower north of where the two boys were standing.”Come up here!”I said again.”Milady,you need to stop running off like that.”said Elroy running up the stairs ”ya I was woeeied amout poo” said Edward with a gaint lollypop in his mouth. “Well just look at what I found” I said showing them the shrine I had found.”what do suppose it is?” “I dont know Milady.”Well? What was it? Anyways, first off, CAPITALIZE PROPERLYAnyways, capitalize properly. Also, think up proper names, instead of using rip-offs. Learn to use Spacebar correctly. Spell-check. Make more sense when they speak. You stopped describing near the end. But all the description could be better. Describe voices, the atmosphere, the walls, the light, the sound, everything! That's why we have adjectives. Now, back here m'wolves.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vengeful lemonS Posted February 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 thank you for the comment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted February 8, 2010 Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 Did you READ it? In any due course, I think it's bad.. :| Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vengeful lemonS Posted February 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 Yes i added what you said Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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