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Twig

By Twig
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Twig

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[spoiler=Yes b*ches. ;D]

Username: Love is Eternal

 

Favorite Books: Bleach Series and a few others...

 

Writing Example(10 lines or more in a spoiler. Optional): http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-185585-post-3768715.html#pid3768715 - =]

 

 

 

 

Accepted. Want me put the link in the front page?

Yes please' date=' I need feedback. ;']

 

I just read Ch1. I saw several grammar and punctuation errors, but besides that, it was great.

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Twig

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[spoiler=Fixed]As the crystal clear water of the sea clashed against the rocky cliffs that bordered the castle from where I stood, I wondered what was to come once my ceremony was over. Just thinking about it made me excited. Knock, knock, knock.

"Dorothy, may I come in milady?" said a voice from behind the door.

“Just a minute,” I replied as I closed the floor to ceiling window like doors. "Elroy, where have you been all day? I’ve been worried!” I said to him as I opened the door.

Elroy was wearing his usual suit and tie and had his signature black messy hair going again. "Dorothy I was setting up for your ceremony, and you were supposed to meet me down there half an hour ago!” Elroy said angrily to me.

Taking me by the hand, he led me down to the courtyard. The courtyard was filled with all different types of flowers from all over England. The flowers weren’t the only thing that caught my eye. The courtyard was also filled with statues of the most marvelous things such as the powerful centaur that seemed to govern the rest of the statues. As Elroy and I walked through the courtyard, servants were setting up for my ceremony tomorrow night, and in the center was a familiar face.

"Ah Dorothy. There you are.” said a man dressed in a white coat and pants. He had blond hair that went down past his neck. "We were beginning to worry that you weren’t going to come down," he said as he sat down.

“Edward, what are you doing here?” I said in amazement. "I thought you were still in Paris.”

”Nonsense, I would never miss her highness’ coming of age ceremony now could I?” said Edward.

"Humph. Still as annoying as ever I see Edward. “ said Elroy.

”Well, well mister grumpy bear. You’re acting like your usual self as well I see," said Edward with a laugh.

"Hey you two stop fighting!” I yelled.

"Yes Milady," said Elroy pulling a chair out for me to sit in.

"He he he such a suck up!” said Edward laughing. As the two boys went on fighting I decided to explore around the inner walls of the castle.

”Milady! Milady! Where are you?”

”Did you lose her again El-roy? You’re so useless," said Edward sitting by a broken statue in the middle of another courtyard. It was surrounded by a ring of brick stones that seemed to touch the sky. The vibrant green ground showed that not many people had been this far in the castle.

“It would help if you were looking too Ed,” Elroy got up and walked over to Edward.

”You expect me to get this beautiful face dirty!?! How could you think of such a thing?” said Edward while putting a lollipop in his mouth.

”Great it’s bad enough Miladies is missing, now I’m stuck with you," said Elroy.

“Huh? Hey Elroy, Edward look what I found,” I said from the window of a tower north of where the two boys were standing.”Come up here!” I said again.

”Milady, you need to stop running off like that," said Elroy running up the stairs.

”Ya I was woeeied amout poo,” said Edward with a giant lollypop in his mouth.

“Well just look at what I found” I said showing them the shrine I had found. It was probably five feet off the ground and three feet wide. Various imprints of faces were shown on the shrine. “What do suppose it is?”

“I don’t know Milady.”

 

 

Now, that's what it would look like if you seperated the dialogue like you're suppose to.

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Twig

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Yeah, I think I'm going to need help.

 

This is what I have so far:

Primerio was a regular boy in the small village of ______. His family was poor, so he had to start working at the age of seven. He became an apprentice to a blacksmith for five years.

 

Sucks right? I need a name for the village and I need to make this segment more interesting.

 

I have to go right now, I'll come back when I can.

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Twig

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maybe isntead of telling us this' date=' show him working as a small boy? Flashback, maybe.

 

BTW< here's a link to a few of my fanfics

 

Cool one:

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-181404.html

 

Pervy one

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-176973.html

 

LONG one (75 chapters)

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-172722.html

[/quote']

 

Didn't think of that.

 

Adding the fanfics.

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Sorry' date=' havn't been paying attention. What's the topic?

[/quote']

 

We're making a fanfic. Check the front page for the plot draft.

 

 

I decided to start the story to when he was born.

 

At the stroke of midnight, a baby was born under a large tree. Unlike new born babies, this one didn't cry. The cold wind blew ominously, but the little child wasn't scared. All he had for comfort was the warmth of his parents, who held him closely.

 

The shining stars and the glowing moon provided light for the family.

 

 

So yeah...That's it so far.

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