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Twig

By Twig
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DL  Contributor

DL 

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Hmmm....

 

the only problem with your writing (not a problem, really, but I do try to avoid them)

 

Is that there's a lot of emotional tell.

 

Malicious sword

Pointed triumphantly

Burning with malice and discontent

 

It's usually simpler, and better, to show us a malicious sword, by having it DO malicious deeds.

 

BTW< Accepted. ^_^

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Blake Newbie

Blake

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Username: Marsuvees Black (Call me Black ^^)

 

Favorite Books/Books Currently Reading: ANYTHING Ted Dekker fiction, and one of his other books. I am reading his co-written Book Burn now.

 

[spoiler=Writing Example]

Amelia stared at the data before her on her desk, unable to make sense of it. The information the commander had given her on the Vamp case should have been enough to find out who the Vamp was. The FBI knew she was about 25 years old, and about 130 pounds. She was also about 5'10, they thought. All of her 12 victims were found drained of blood, and the blood being pooled nearby with pieces of manufactured wood floating in it, all of the blood was still there, as well as many other details that the public was not allowed to know. Be careful little eyes applied in this case. All were male so far, but a woman had recently been abducted. Amelia knew the answer had to be staring her in the face, but she could not place it. As she thought, she picked up her coffee and took a swig before looking at the clock. "It's already 11'o clock? Crap... Lost track of time... Missed yet another date with John." She set her coffee mug down and sighed. "This is the third time this month!" She mentally yelled at herself. Her job was very taxing, especially now with the Vamp on the loose. "Well, I'm leaving, chief!" she called to her boss. She heard him call back, but shrugged it off. As she walked outside, she thought of her failed relationship with John. She loved him, but this case seemed so important. As she got to her car, her cellphone chirped. The number was not a number she knew. Amelia answered it with a question. "Hello?" A sensuous voice spoke back. "Hello, doll. You're John's lover, am I right?" She froze. "Who is this?" She asked, swallowing her fear. The voice gave a soft laugh. "You can call me what you have been- the Vamp. Now, do as I say, or John is my next victim."

 

 

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Kira Magister Magi Newbie

Kira Magister Magi

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Username: Kira Kills

 

Favorite Books/Books Currently Reading: Favorite series is the Incarnations of Immortality by Piers Anthony. Not reading anything atm.

 

Writing Example(10 lines or more in a spoiler. Optional):

 

[spoiler=My personal story. Incomplete.]Zane walked to the door, early for his appointment, which had a very strict schedule. He had about 15 seconds left, according to his watch. He walked in, unannounced, unnoticed, unknown. It was about midnight, and he was due upstairs to see his client, although said client had no clue of Zane's existence. Sight failing from exhaustion, Zane failed to see the coffee table in front of him, and sent a vase clattering to the floor. Alaric, Zane's ignorant client, awoke at the sound and grabbed a bat he kept in his room. He went down the hallway and saw a mysterious figure in black, moving across the house, seeming to be looking for something specific.

 

Alaric followed, quickly, quietly. 5 seconds remained on Zane's clock, and Alaric was gaining on him. Zane turned around and his face seemed in the wrong place at the wrong time as there was a whack, and the bat made contact with his face. Alaric turned on the light and saw a skull in place of a face, and it was completely destroyed. Horrified, he stepped slowly back, and his back met the body of a gorgeous woman, presumably no more than 40.

 

Alaric turned and screamed, as he had never seen this woman before in his life. When he quieted, the woman spoke. “My name is Lachesis. I am an aspect of Fate. I determine when the lives of people, including you, end by cutting the threads of their lives in the appropriate places. You were destined to cease living today, and you shall, but not in the normal aspect. You will become Death, who neither lives nor dies.”

 

“What do you mean become Death?” Alaric shrieked, but as he did so, the body in front of him transformed, becoming solid flesh – His! For a short while, he was silent with fear and when he finally spoke, he noticed that the cloak from the dead body had been placed beside it. “I think I understand now, but how is this possible!?”

 

“That is simple, but at the same time difficult, to explain. You see, all the forces of the world are controlled by humans like you and I. I am Fate, you are Death, and there are 3 other Incarnations, as they are known. They are War, or Mars, Time, or Chronos, and Nature, or Gaea. There are also 2 other well-known Incarnations, but they are moreover known as the Eternals. They are known to everyone, including humans, as God and Satan. Each is just an office to be held, given up in specific ways pertaining to the specific office. Death, for example, must be killed and his murderer will become his successor.”

 

“So, because I killed Death, I become Death!!??”

 

“That is how it seems. This man was a fine Death,” she stated, directing Alaric’s attention to the body, as if it had been needed. “You will find some jewels held by the officeholder and a watch on the body and some in the cloak, which I ask you to don as soon as possible.” Alaric did as he was asked, and while he did so she continued. “All gems will make their purposes known, usually very subtly. So much so, that sometimes you don’t know how you know how to work them. However, I will tell you how the Deathwatch works, as that is a big part of your job.

 

“I never told him because he was too scared. You seem more used to this. It is much like a stopwatch. You press the top button down and the countdown starts and stops. The countdown tells you how much time is left before you collect your clients’ souls. You can make them last longer in life, but you would want to do so carefully, because, since they cannot die while time is stopped, you could be lengthening their pain. Only use it when the client is not in pain, and you need time to either contemplate, or send the souls off. The bottom button sets the timer to 10 minutes. It should be rare, if at all, that you use that button. Pushing the middle button does nothing. Pulling it freezes time. If you freeze time and while that happens set the timer to 10 minutes, you will summon Chronos. Only use this when you need help or comfort.

 

“Now, go and start on your office,” she ordered, after seeing that he found all his gems. “Mortis is waiting out front.”

 

“Mortis?” Alaric knew the word as Latin for death, which did not surprise him, but he did not know what she implied.

 

“Your Death steed. Of course, it could be in another form. It should be recognizable.” Seeing Alaric’s contemplating expression, she guessed his thoughts. “And by the way, as long as you wear that uniform, no one can see you. You are visible to them, of course, but they disregard your existence, or they may see you as someone they find important or someone they truly need. Your shoes allow you to walk on water as if it were solid ground, as well.”

 

Although this was a lot to take in, Alaric just said “Okay,” and walked outside, doing as he was told. He saw a white limousine, no, more like a pale white. He remembered that Lachesis mentioned his Death steed would be waiting outside, and the legend of the four horsemen of the apocalypse which stated that Death rode on a pale horse. Alaric made the connection, and looked the limo over. Sure enough, the license plate said, plainly, “MORTIS”. Lachesis said something about the “forms” of Mortis. Maybe the limousine was one of them? As he was described as a steed, Alaric figured Mortis had to be alive. He took a shot. “Hello… Mortis?”

 

The car horn sounded by itself, setting Alaric back. He remembered the jewels he had scavenged included a single earring. He looked around his person and found the earring and put it on. He tried again. “Hello Mortis.” This time, although the car still honked, Alaric also heard English in his ear. The translation said, “I said, ‘Hello to you, too, new Thanatos.’”

 

This newly discovered magic was amazing. He would never have found any artifacts like this anywhere else. He could now communicate with his steed, so he could ask it questions. Wait, it, him, her? He decided to ask. “Mortis, what gender are you?”

 

“I have no immediate gender, Master. Are you alright with me calling you that? Any preferences?”

 

“I do not mind, but if you wish, you may call me Alaric. What else can you do?”

 

“Come, Alaric, and let me show you.”

 

Mortis then suddenly transformed into a magnificent, pale horse and flew off and Alaric, who was riding on his back, felt like he was going 700 miles per hour and in seconds they both landed in a brand-new location that Alaric had never seen. He remembered the Deathwatch soon after landing and he saw he had less than a minute before his next client was due for an “appointment”. He looked at a broken bracelet covered in magic stones, one pointing straight ahead – obviously a locator spell to find his clients – and one with a cat’s eye, the pupil of which increased as he stepped in the direction of the locator – This was a proximity stone. When he got to the site of the proposed death, the proximity stone was pure black and the locator had no sense of direction. When he looked at his watch, he saw he had 5 seconds remaining.

 

Alaric heard a voice no one else did, coming from the roof above him, shouting, “I told you! If you want to tell me, great! If not, then don’t! But you won’t be around to see what happens because of it!” The watch showed he had no time left and the man who was yelled at was pushed off the roof – of a 45-story building! The man fell head-first toward the concrete sidewalk and his blood, body, bones, everything was scattered everywhere. But the man was still alive! Alaric realized he had to end his misery, but how? Then he remembered that Lachesis told him how to summon Chronos for help. He stopped time and set the timer to 10 minutes.

 

“Hello there. New Thanatos. You rang?” a voice that Alaric couldn’t place the origin for said. Once he pinpointed the location, he saw a man in a clean suit, a white cloak, and neat, clean dress shoes.

 

“Chronos, I presume? I need help, and obviously I have time now.”

 

“In more ways than one,” Chronos laughed. “What do you need?”

 

“I want to end this man’s misery, but how do I do it, exactly?”

 

“Simple. Simplest part of the job, besides the transportation.” Chronos gestured to Mortis, who whinnied approvingly. “You just run through the man’s body with your hand, feeling for the soul. You’ll know it when you feel it. Then you will take it out. Now, let’s not watch for the next 10 minutes while this man suffers. Unfreeze time, and I will take you 10 minutes into the future, when he dies.”

 

Alaric grabbed onto Chronos’ hand and they jetted through the time stream, and suddenly, in seconds, his Deathwatch read no time once again.

 

“Now go, Thanatos, and do a good job. I hope you will be a good Death. And with that, he had disappeared.

 

Alaric went over to the man, who was now unconscious from blood loss, and reached into his body. He surprisingly felt no resistance; as if the body was just more air. He felt around in the body and eventually grabbed out an object that was foggy like steam, but felt like a cobweb. The unconscious body of the man then went limp, pale, and cold.

 

Alaric stared in shock as he realized what he just did. He killed a man. “Wait”, he thought. “Did I kill him or did I save him? Any longer, he may have gone insane from the pain.” Questions for another time. He went over to Mortis and asked him, “Is this a punishment? Did I do something wrong in life that led to me taking souls for all eternity?”

 

 

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Akumakagemaru Newbie

Akumakagemaru

Posted
Posted

Username: Kira Kills

 

Favorite Books/Books Currently Reading: Favorite series is the Incarnations of Immortality by Piers Anthony. Not reading anything atm.

 

Writing Example(10 lines or more in a spoiler. Optional):

 

[spoiler=My personal story. Incomplete.]Zane walked to the door' date=' early for his appointment, which had a very strict schedule. He had about 15 seconds left, according to his watch. He walked in, unannounced, unnoticed, unknown. It was about midnight, and he was due upstairs to see his client, although said client had no clue of Zane's existence. Sight failing from exhaustion, Zane failed to see the coffee table in front of him, and sent a vase clattering to the floor. Alaric, Zane's ignorant client, awoke at the sound and grabbed a bat he kept in his room. He went down the hallway and saw a mysterious figure in black, moving across the house, seeming to be looking for something specific.

 

Alaric followed, quickly, quietly. 5 seconds remained on Zane's clock, and Alaric was gaining on him. Zane turned around and his face seemed in the wrong place at the wrong time as there was a whack, and the bat made contact with his face. Alaric turned on the light and saw a skull in place of a face, and it was completely destroyed. Horrified, he stepped slowly back, and his back met the body of a gorgeous woman, presumably no more than 40.

 

Alaric turned and screamed, as he had never seen this woman before in his life. When he quieted, the woman spoke. “My name is Lachesis. I am an aspect of Fate. I determine when the lives of people, including you, end by cutting the threads of their lives in the appropriate places. You were destined to cease living today, and you shall, but not in the normal aspect. You will become Death, who neither lives nor dies.”

 

“What do you mean become Death?” Alaric shrieked, but as he did so, the body in front of him transformed, becoming solid flesh – His! For a short while, he was silent with fear and when he finally spoke, he noticed that the cloak from the dead body had been placed beside it. “I think I understand now, but how is this possible!?”

 

“That is simple, but at the same time difficult, to explain. You see, all the forces of the world are controlled by humans like you and I. I am Fate, you are Death, and there are 3 other Incarnations, as they are known. They are War, or Mars, Time, or Chronos, and Nature, or Gaea. There are also 2 other well-known Incarnations, but they are moreover known as the Eternals. They are known to everyone, including humans, as God and Satan. Each is just an office to be held, given up in specific ways pertaining to the specific office. Death, for example, must be killed and his murderer will become his successor.”

 

“So, because I killed Death, I become Death!!??”

 

“That is how it seems. This man was a fine Death,” she stated, directing Alaric’s attention to the body, as if it had been needed. “You will find some jewels held by the officeholder and a watch on the body and some in the cloak, which I ask you to don as soon as possible.” Alaric did as he was asked, and while he did so she continued. “All gems will make their purposes known, usually very subtly. So much so, that sometimes you don’t know how you know how to work them. However, I will tell you how the Deathwatch works, as that is a big part of your job.

 

“I never told him because he was too scared. You seem more used to this. It is much like a stopwatch. You press the top button down and the countdown starts and stops. The countdown tells you how much time is left before you collect your clients’ souls. You can make them last longer in life, but you would want to do so carefully, because, since they cannot die while time is stopped, you could be lengthening their pain. Only use it when the client is not in pain, and you need time to either contemplate, or send the souls off. The bottom button sets the timer to 10 minutes. It should be rare, if at all, that you use that button. Pushing the middle button does nothing. Pulling it freezes time. If you freeze time and while that happens set the timer to 10 minutes, you will summon Chronos. Only use this when you need help or comfort.

 

“Now, go and start on your office,” she ordered, after seeing that he found all his gems. “Mortis is waiting out front.”

 

“Mortis?” Alaric knew the word as Latin for death, which did not surprise him, but he did not know what she implied.

 

“Your Death steed. Of course, it could be in another form. It should be recognizable.” Seeing Alaric’s contemplating expression, she guessed his thoughts. “And by the way, as long as you wear that uniform, no one can see you. You are visible to them, of course, but they disregard your existence, or they may see you as someone they find important or someone they truly need. Your shoes allow you to walk on water as if it were solid ground, as well.”

 

Although this was a lot to take in, Alaric just said “Okay,” and walked outside, doing as he was told. He saw a white limousine, no, more like a pale white. He remembered that Lachesis mentioned his Death steed would be waiting outside, and the legend of the four horsemen of the apocalypse which stated that Death rode on a pale horse. Alaric made the connection, and looked the limo over. Sure enough, the license plate said, plainly, “MORTIS”. Lachesis said something about the “forms” of Mortis. Maybe the limousine was one of them? As he was described as a steed, Alaric figured Mortis had to be alive. He took a shot. “Hello… Mortis?”

 

The car horn sounded by itself, setting Alaric back. He remembered the jewels he had scavenged included a single earring. He looked around his person and found the earring and put it on. He tried again. “Hello Mortis.” This time, although the car still honked, Alaric also heard English in his ear. The translation said, “I said, ‘Hello to you, too, new Thanatos.’”

 

This newly discovered magic was amazing. He would never have found any artifacts like this anywhere else. He could now communicate with his steed, so he could ask it questions. Wait, it, him, her? He decided to ask. “Mortis, what gender are you?”

 

“I have no immediate gender, Master. Are you alright with me calling you that? Any preferences?”

 

“I do not mind, but if you wish, you may call me Alaric. What else can you do?”

 

“Come, Alaric, and let me show you.”

 

Mortis then suddenly transformed into a magnificent, pale horse and flew off and Alaric, who was riding on his back, felt like he was going 700 miles per hour and in seconds they both landed in a brand-new location that Alaric had never seen. He remembered the Deathwatch soon after landing and he saw he had less than a minute before his next client was due for an “appointment”. He looked at a broken bracelet covered in magic stones, one pointing straight ahead – obviously a locator spell to find his clients – and one with a cat’s eye, the pupil of which increased as he stepped in the direction of the locator – This was a proximity stone. When he got to the site of the proposed death, the proximity stone was pure black and the locator had no sense of direction. When he looked at his watch, he saw he had 5 seconds remaining.

 

Alaric heard a voice no one else did, coming from the roof above him, shouting, “I told you! If you want to tell me, great! If not, then don’t! But you won’t be around to see what happens because of it!” The watch showed he had no time left and the man who was yelled at was pushed off the roof – of a 45-story building! The man fell head-first toward the concrete sidewalk and his blood, body, bones, everything was scattered everywhere. But the man was still alive! Alaric realized he had to end his misery, but how? Then he remembered that Lachesis told him how to summon Chronos for help. He stopped time and set the timer to 10 minutes.

 

“Hello there. New Thanatos. You rang?” a voice that Alaric couldn’t place the origin for said. Once he pinpointed the location, he saw a man in a clean suit, a white cloak, and neat, clean dress shoes.

 

“Chronos, I presume? I need help, and obviously I have time now.”

 

“In more ways than one,” Chronos laughed. “What do you need?”

 

“I want to end this man’s misery, but how do I do it, exactly?”

 

“Simple. Simplest part of the job, besides the transportation.” Chronos gestured to Mortis, who whinnied approvingly. “You just run through the man’s body with your hand, feeling for the soul. You’ll know it when you feel it. Then you will take it out. Now, let’s not watch for the next 10 minutes while this man suffers. Unfreeze time, and I will take you 10 minutes into the future, when he dies.”

 

Alaric grabbed onto Chronos’ hand and they jetted through the time stream, and suddenly, in seconds, his Deathwatch read no time once again.

 

“Now go, Thanatos, and do a good job. I hope you will be a good Death. And with that, he had disappeared.

 

Alaric went over to the man, who was now unconscious from blood loss, and reached into his body. He surprisingly felt no resistance; as if the body was just more air. He felt around in the body and eventually grabbed out an object that was foggy like steam, but felt like a cobweb. The unconscious body of the man then went limp, pale, and cold.

 

Alaric stared in shock as he realized what he just did. He killed a man. “Wait”, he thought. “Did I kill him or did I save him? Any longer, he may have gone insane from the pain.” Questions for another time. He went over to Mortis and asked him, “Is this a punishment? Did I do something wrong in life that led to me taking souls for all eternity?”

 

 

[/quote']

 

Brilliant concept, in my opinin, and grammar is solid too, as far as i read. I can't wait to read the full version myself lol.

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Akumakagemaru Newbie

Akumakagemaru

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@Kira:It's normal for someone not to post while they're not accepted. Okay? Accepted.

 

@ Twig: I apologize; he only responded to my comment. I'll shut up in that case from now on.

 

@ Kira Kills: I've never heard of the series, but I'm very familiar with the author. I read a lot of his older Xanth novels.

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