Delinquent Girl Ch.2: Hello, Mr. Torture (COMING SOON!)[PG-13]

[Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi]

...

[Niño]

The plot line is a bit foggy, maybe you could include a blurb so the audiance actually has an idea of what it's about?.

 

Anyhows, I'm not too keen on the beginning, just sounded like a drama BBC1 invented, however the plot gets more intruging has you read on, I would like to find out more about these "Specters".

[Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi]

The plot line is a bit foggy' date=' maybe you could include a blurb so the audiance actually has an idea of what it's about?.

 

Anyhows, I'm not too keen on the beginning, just sounded like a drama BBC1 invented, however the plot gets more intruging has you read on, I would like to find out more about these "Specters".

[/quote']

 

Yikes! I forgot that this my own original story and not based on a pre-existing one. I'll make sure to put up the plot soon.

[Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi]

anybody else?

[Weather Report - Stand]

I LOVEZ original, quirky, modern stuff like this! That's what I got from the stuff up to "ILLITIRATE ONES YOU SHALL ALL DIE". Sadly, though it's original in a good way, I couldn't keep track on what was happening. She's talking to her mom, and a Spectre bumps into her... then a student does... then a teacher's trying to kill them or something... then she fuses with a Spectre... then it's over. WHAT?!

 

Try to describe passing of time and area more. Also, your grammar needs a bit more fixing up. And I WOULD like to see those "YOUTUBE Sketches" you've been drawing, as you've said, since that would help me visualize stuff more.

 

One more DUM note: obviously there's a lot of asian influence around here. Does this take place in Japan? Otherwise it feels odd if in America or England, a ghost wearing a Noh mask appears and fuses with a person... into a samurai. Wouldn't THAT feel out of place? Now you DON'T have to do this AT ALL, but this would feel more like a REAL story, and by that, a product you could actually SELL (like I said, I like the idea, and maybe my future children would, too?!)in 'da future if you either said that the guy, uh came from Japan somehow, or if they were more original ghost-guys. Or make it multi-cultural! Have a guy with a mask from Africa that gives the wearer a cool necklace, a leafy headdress and a massive spear. Or from some cold country with bears, have some guy who makes the user more bear-like, physically. Once again, you don't have to listen, but it would be OKAY if you used less Asian influences. DON'T HURT ME!!!

[Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi]

I LOVEZ original' date=' quirky, modern stuff like this! That's what I got from the stuff up to "ILLITIRATE ONES YOU SHALL ALL DIE". Sadly, though it's original in a good way, I couldn't keep track on what was happening. She's talking to her mom, and a Spectre bumps into her... then a student does... then a teacher's trying to kill them or something... then she fuses with a Spectre... then it's over. WHAT?!

 

Try to describe passing of time and area more. Also, your grammar needs a bit more fixing up. And I WOULD like to see those "YOUTUBE Sketches" you've been drawing, as you've said, since that would help me visualize stuff more.

 

One more DUM note: obviously there's a lot of asian influence around here. Does this take place in Japan? Otherwise it feels odd if in America or England, a ghost wearing a Noh mask appears and fuses with a person... into a samurai. Wouldn't THAT feel out of place? Now you DON'T have to do this AT ALL, but this would feel more like a REAL story, and by that, a product you could actually SELL (like I said, I like the idea, and maybe my future children would, too?!)in 'da future if you either said that the guy, uh came from Japan somehow, or if they were more original ghost-guys. Or make it multi-cultural! Have a guy with a mask from Africa that gives the wearer a cool necklace, a leafy headdress and a massive spear. Or from some cold country with bears, [b']have some guy who makes the user more bear-like, physically[/b]. Once again, you don't have to listen, but it would be OKAY if you used less Asian influences. DON'T HURT ME!!!

 

It has asian influences, with yokai and stuff. The Spectres are demons who are compressed to mask-like form to get pass the barrier blocking off Hell. I plan to have more ethnically diverse people later on who play major roles in the story. The story is set in Japan, a fantasy-like version of said country. All the places are fictional.

 

Spoiler: @the bolded comment, 2 girls with have that power naturally, but the spectres mutate their forms.

[Weather Report - Stand]

I see, it all makes sense now! It's like an epiphany!! But all you have to do is re-write the chapter to make it more descriptive and a bit slower, and SLLLLLOOOOOOOWWW DOOOOOOWWWWNNNN. When an author gets too excited over what they're typing up, you get sloppy and skip over some important actions. Just keep yo' cool and improve, and this could be a staple of this site someday... unless it gets abandoned, like most fanfiction I see. But try to keep hooked?

[Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi]

I see' date=' it all makes sense now! It's like an epiphany!! But all you have to do is re-write the chapter to make it more descriptive and a bit slower, and SLLLLLOOOOOOOWWW DOOOOOOWWWWNNNN. When an author gets too excited over what they're typing up, you get sloppy and skip over some important actions. Just keep yo' cool and improve, and this could be a staple of this site someday... unless it gets abandoned, like most fanfiction I see. But try to keep hooked?

[/quote']

 

As a comic book, I planned for it to have around 100 comics (called and done in the style of TV show episodes). Thus, the story version will likely have around 100 chapters.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Dah, okay. I'm waiting to see what the story shall evolve into.

[Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi]

Character section added! Will develop as the story develops...