SmallieBigs Posted February 3, 2010 Report Share Posted February 3, 2010 You got the following things right about what I do:Insult sucky cards in general insult cards.I bring Daily NewsI have a very small role. >.> I will try to see what I can do with my powers of News... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 bump..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aero~ Posted February 4, 2010 Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 T_TFor the third time, it'd be easier if you put one person's tyalking in a paragraph, like this: storystory story, story story "ramdom words I am saying." said person1. "Aye, teh ramdom words be good." person2 replied. "It's an argument now?" Responed person1. "yeah, fool! y' wanna' fight?" "Heck yeah!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 ok fine. I just didn't see the point since sometimes someone only says a few words. I'll try that for the next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2010 ch 4 is up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aero~ Posted February 5, 2010 Report Share Posted February 5, 2010 It's ok, but they're too short. I'd suggest you put them all together as chapter one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. SHINee <3 Posted February 5, 2010 Report Share Posted February 5, 2010 LOVE IT =) Love it alot and you really portrey m as the good girl......>.< not who i wanna be but Still <3 it alot but if this were real you would see ALOT more alocohol n my art =)still love it so keep doin what you doin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2010 ch5 will most likely be up on saturday. I have plans tonight. bump. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2010 ch5 is up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Great Unclean One: VK Posted February 6, 2010 Report Share Posted February 6, 2010 It's good. But still no epic fights of Apocalypse proportions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2010 thats next chapter. ICYBLUE and CHAOS PUDDING vs GOD KAZE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. SHINee <3 Posted February 6, 2010 Report Share Posted February 6, 2010 WOW now this is startin to get REALLLY good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2010 ch 6 is up. try listening to this while you read it. it suits it perfectly IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. SHINee <3 Posted February 7, 2010 Report Share Posted February 7, 2010 Uh oh....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2010 Uh oh....... uhoh? was it that suprising of a plot twist or did I just make a HUGE mistake somewhere? 0_0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted February 7, 2010 Report Share Posted February 7, 2010 Pfft I don't give a s*** about beauty sleep. Half the time I don't even sleep. I don't need to look beautiful' date=' I'll just gouge your eyes out so you can't see me anyway.[/quote'] That's Larxene completly unprofessinal. If they are gouged out them they become unusuable. Simple Remove them, disect, and sell to people afraid of becoming blind for quite the tidy profit. The title's really bad and you need to capitilize. I read the first few lines and stopped. But I have homework that I really need to do so that might have something to do with me not finishing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Hyde Posted February 7, 2010 Report Share Posted February 7, 2010 Sorry Jord...But this is just getting boring. Why would i be hanging out with Mods. Ch. 6 was basically everyone going,"It can't be!" gasped Icy, "No way!", "How could this be!", It wasn't exciting whatsoever. The only thing that's cool are the duels. Everything else is quite boring. sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2010 sorry. I was tired. I had just gotten back from monster trucks. ch7 is, and I promise, the 1 everone has been waiting for. long, action, not just a bunch of people gasping, in fact, here's preveiw "Your sword skills are impressive for children." said Kaze. "Thanks." said Roxas. "You can't beat me! It doesn't matter what you do! When it comes to combat, I know all your moves because I taught them to you!" yelled Frunk. "I love making my enemys suffer. <3" said Larx. "I don't to fight Mia. but I have no choice. I'm sorry." sighed Hunter."DIE!" roared Frunk. then Jord pushs C.C. and Roxas out of the way taking the full force of Frunks blast. C.C. and Roxas hurry to Jord to help him, but he is not breathing and blood is dripping from his mouth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted February 8, 2010 Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 I received...3 PMs from you, yet I am not in this. Lolwut? sorry. I was tired. I had just gotten back from monster trucks. ch7 is' date=' and I promise, the 1 everone has been waiting for. long, action, not just a bunch of people gasping, in fact, here's preveiw "Your sword skills are impressive for [s']children[/s] a child." said Kaze. "Thanks." replied Roxas. "You can't beat me!" yelled Frunk "It doesn't matter what you do! When it comes to combat, I know all your moves because I taught them to you!" "I love making my enemys enemies suffer. <3" said Larxene. "I don't want to fight Mia. but I have no choice. I'm sorry." sighed Hunter."DIE!" roared Frunk. Then, in a flash, Jord pushs pushed C.C. and Roxas out of the way, taking the full force of Frunk's !!! blast. C.C. and Roxas hurry to Jord to help him hurried to help Jord, but he is was not breathing, and blood is dripping dripped from his mouth. Not enough use of vocabulary.Bad grammar.No attention to tense.Wording problems.Informal, in a few places. And...too much is going on in a paragraph. It's a Fan-Fic, one paragraph should only tell one scene. p.s In the '!!!' bit, add an adjective, like devastating, overwhelming, or even just powerful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 actually Pika Kaze was talking to 2 people. Roxas was just the person who responded. also its a bunch a scenes from it put together. all that stuff does not happpen at the same time. sorry. guess I should have made that more clear. howeer I admit ya got me beat on the rest of the stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted February 10, 2010 Report Share Posted February 10, 2010 When's the next chapter coming? Anyways, I can see this is not getting any positive criticism... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2010 soon hopfully. possibly tonight or thursday. depending on how much homework I have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2010 the REAL ch6 is up. and its longer than the others. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted February 12, 2010 Report Share Posted February 12, 2010 Okay, I"m gonna review this soon.. Just can't be bothered right now, to be honest. Watch out for the hounds.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jord200 Posted February 12, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2010 ch7 is up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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