Jump to content

my YCM fan fic ( 1st fan fic ) CH 9 UP

Jord200

By Jord200
in Creative Writing

Recommended Posts

Jord200 Newbie

Jord200

Posted
Posted

I thought I would make a YCM fanfic. in it, the main story is here at YCM duh. Moderators have 1 partner they choose to work with them. cards are desighned, members sometimes duel in spare time. anyways here it is.

 

 

In a land far far away, there is a pallace as big as a country exists. It is known as YCM. That is were our story takes place.

 

 

[spoiler=click here]

 

prolouge

 

"Finally, A day to relax. " said a blonde haired boy in a black coat. "Yeah, I needed this. " said a girl with antene like hair. "Roxas! Larx!" came a voice. "And there goes the relaxing. What is it Nathen?" said Roxas. "Thats Chaos Pudding. and did you forget? Opal is choosing her new subordnate today." said Pudding. "Fine were coming." groaned Larxene. The three made there way towards the hall of the mods. A place only moderators and vice moderators are allowed.

 

"There you 3 are! Humph. Being late to something like this!" said a man. "Easy Crab. They came thats all that matters." said a blue haired boy. "Icy, your too forgiving. I say they- before Crab could finish he was interupted. "ENOUGH! BOTH OF YOU!" came a voice. "sorry sir. all rise for the king of YCM. YCMAKER!" said Icy. A purple haired girl stood with a sword, infront of a boy who was on his knees. "You may begin Opal." said YCMaker. "Do you promise to help me moderate and protect this organization?" said Opal. "Yes." the boy said.

 

"Do you promise to help those who need it, and punish those who break the laws? And serve me as my suborbnate?" said Opal. "Yes." the boy said. "Then I Opalmoon hereby promote you to vice moderator. Congratulations. Jord200." said Opal. "Thank you. Opalmoon." said Jord. the sound of aplause is heard as Opal rested the swords blade on Jord's shoulder. "this calls for a celebration feast." said a man. "Allright Falling Pizza!" said a man with the smell of raw fish on him. "Is your stomach all the think about Sushi?" said Icyblue.

 

"Aren't you coming sir?" said Falling Pizza? "I'll catch up. I have somethings I must attend to." said YCMaker. as the party went on YCMaker worked in his quarters. until..... *thump* "Who goes there? Pizza is that you? huh?! What are you doing here?!" said YCMaker in horror. "Can't I say hi to an old friend? laughed a voice. After the party Pizza sleepishly walked by YCMaker's quarters to check on his brother. "Sir? wha?! ohno!" YCMaker. YCMaker? YCMAKER!!" yelled Pizza. But YCMaker was gone, and in his wall was a giant hole. YCMaker had been kidnapped.

 

 

 

 

ch1 the traitors. return of the banished!

after the celebration the organization is quiet. then the silence is shattered. "WAKE UP!" said Pizza over the loudspeakers. moderators and vice moderators stumbled out of their rooms. "if this is just some random meeting over something MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY BEAUTY SLEEP SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE DEAD BY MORNING!" roared Larxene. "well save some for me Larx." said Otaku-Sama. "Excuse me, but YOUR beauty sleep? I need to sleep to stay both deadly and beautiful!" said Deadly Beauty." "Well if I don't get my 10 hours I get crabby!" said Larx. "HAHAHA! cat coming up!" laughed VK- Duelest. "SHUT UP" bellowed every female member in the halls. "wait, where's YCMaker and Pizza?" said Lovely C.C.

 

"That is why I called you all here. YCMaker has been kidnapped." said Pizza as he entered. everyone gasped in horror. "Who would that?" said Jord200. "This was the only clue that could be found. "The badge of a six star member? so it was a six star who kidnapped him?" said Deadly Beauty. "kind of. look closer." said Pizza. "its got a giant slash in it." said Flame Dragon. "then that means-" said Opal. "correct. whoever did this was a member. its someone who has been banished. and I'm sorry to say we have reason to belive the culprit is still in the pallace. all moderators are to form a team and look in the west wing. all vice moderators the north wing. NOW GET MOVING!" said Pizza.

 

 

 

 

ch2 the return of a former mod! Jord200 vs the kidnapper

"No sign of YCMaker or his kidnapper." panted Icy. "We've been searching all day. Its getting late, we should pick up the search in the morning." agreed C.C. "Wait. If the kidnapper targeted YCMaker, he could come after Pizza or one of us." said Otaku-sama. "He has a point. We should stick together." said Icy. "I'm not really a fan of slumber partys." scoffed Larx. "Well I could take your place with the girls-" before VK could finish, Mia socked him in the head. "Not even in your dreams." said Mia.

 

"Its not a slumber party its a watch. If YCMaker was kidnapped, there is a strong possibility that Falling Pizza could be in danger." The mods will take shifts guarding him. Roxas, Opal, Sushi, Flame, Yin, Pudding, and I will handle things. The vice mods are to go and rest." said Icy. "Hey Jord! Comon! The vice mods are going to get a bite before shut eye!" yelled VK. "You guys go. I'll catch up." replyed Jord. as Jord walks off the other vice mods wander if they should stop him. 4 hours later. "YAWN" I knew I should have gone to bed. Here I am on the roof at 2 am. I'm out of here- huh?" "heheh. so your the new vice mod. congrats, too bad I gotta kill you." murrmered a robed man.

 

"Identify yourself" said Jord. "Well.....I AM YCMAKER'S KIDNAPPER!" laughed the figure." Where is he?!" hissed Jord. "Tell you what. We duel. You win, I tell you where he his, I win. well since I'm blocking your only exit and your on that balconly, I hope you can fly." snicked the man. "fine." said Jord. "LETS DUEL!" yelled the two.

 

JORD200 LP4000

??? LP4000

 

Jord's turn

4 facedowns cards and Nin-Ken-Dog in atk.

 

???'s turn

summons Cyber Dragon and attacks. Jord activates Shadow Spell, Cyber Dragon's attack stops and it loses 700 atk.

 

Jord's turn

activates Imperial Iron Wall, The Eye Of Truth, and Ultimate Offering. summons Dark Resonator, and sends Eye Of Truth, Imperial Iron Wall, and Ultimate Offering to the graveyard to play Uria, Lord Of Searing Flames. Tunes Dark Resonator with Nin-Ken-Dog to synchro summon Anteint Fairy Dragon. attacks with Anteint Fair Dragon.

??? LP3700

Jord attacks with Uria.

??? LP700

 

"heh. so you can duel a little. not bad kid. now I remove from play 4 cards from my extra deck!" yelled the man. "what?!" gasped Jord. "attack my 4 monsters!

Jord LP0

WINNER ???

" you put up a good battle, so I'll say this, I USED to be a mod!" laughed the man. "what?! AAHHH! the damage, it felt so real" panted Jord. "see ya next fall kid!" the man laughed. else where the mods were still guarding Pizza. "I'm bored." yawned Flame Dragon. "I know its boring but we don't have a choice." grumbled Icy. just then something fell into the pool outside Pizza's quarters. the mods go to investigate. and find Jord200 KO'ed and floating on his back. "Jord!" Opal yelled. "somebody get a doctor! "yelled Icy. "hey guys. there's something the bush. its a mods badge with the Mod status scratched out." said Pudding. "then.....whoever did this WAS a mod." gulped Icy.

 

 

ch3 sad times ahead

"Is he going to be ok?" asked Opal. "He'll be fine." replyed Otaku-Sama. "what happened?" said Jord as he woke up. "You fell of the roof." answered Mia. "hey quiet guys, somethings on TV." said Pudding. "This is Daily News bringing the daily news. While searchong for answers to the disapearnce of YCMaker, newly promoted vice mod Jord200 was tossed off the roof by the suspect. The only clue at the seen was a moderator's badge with the mod part scartched out. This means that the culprit was a mod but was honorably discharged. We'll bring you more later. In other news the ABPF previously OCG only cards have been revealed. And for the most part they suck." said Daily News.

"Got any idea who did this?" said Roxas. "well yes but, its not a pleasent theory. He used a rare autographed Cyber Dragon" sighed Jord. everyone gasped in horror. knowing that there has only been one moderator in history who had a autographed Cyber Dragon. "no. that can't be!" said Mia sadly. "Why?! why would he betray us like that?!" roared Icy. "Wow. And people say I'm heartless." said Larxene. "But That can't be true. Why would he betray us? My teacher couldn't of!" wondered Roxas. "I'm speachless!" gasped Otaku. "this can't be!" yelled Mia. "I'm sorry guys. *sigh* I'm sorry. but former moderator and former member Napoleon Prince Hunter is now wanted." said Jord sadly. "I'm calling Glyscor. Hunter must be close. The air team can look for him from the sky. and Mia. I'm sorry." frowned Icy.

 

 

ch4 the wind of evil

"PPP air strike force, this us air leader Gliscor, we have the target in range, show no mercy. I don't care if Hunter used to be a mod, hit him with tear gas. Arm, contact Icy. Tell him we found Hunter. " said Gliscor.

"Rodger that Gliscor. Icy. Do you here me?" said Arm. "I hear you loud and clear." replyed Icy from the control tower. then suddenly the radio went quiet and that could be heard was static. " Gliscor. Gliscor! What's going on?! when the radio finally started working, a chilling message was heard. "I'm sorry Icy, but we gotta retreat! There's someone with Hunter! He has two giant robot things following us, and we have got some NASTY headwinds!" paniced Gliscor.

"GIANT ROBOTS?! Don't be ridiculous!" laughed Icy. "um.....Icyblue you might wanna look out the window." stuttered Pudding.

"What are you talking about?! I- I- I-IyeIeyeIeye. WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT?!" screamed Icy.

"Josh? Nathen? well well well. its been a long time my students. I see you have met my two friends. Wisel Infinity and Skiel Infinity." said a elderly voice. "no way. that voice." gasped Pudding in awe. "it can't be! sensei! you betrayed the organization after you left as well?!" stuttered Icy. "correct. I must apoladgize however. I had hoped you wouldn't find out like this. oh well. we are enemies now. so I'm afraid I must defeat you two. YCM! Tremble before me! God Kaze has returned!" roared the man. meanwhile " wow. this looks bad." said Jord.

"tornado force winds, giant robots, legendary former mods going evil. well we have seen better days." muttered Opal. " say if all the mods and vice mods are here, who's guarding Pizza?" asked C.C. "uhoh." said everyone. "Lets go! We might still be able to save him! said Deadly Beauty. "I hope your right." said Mia. "What if we don't get there in time?" asked Deadly Beauty. "Then we may lose." said Opal.

 

 

ch5 the wilting leaves and the tiger

"Pizza! no. were too late." said Opal. a giant hole was in Pizza's wall. before anyone could say anythin 2 figures appeared. one male and one female. "Pizza's kidanppers I presume?" snerred Deadly. "indeed." said the female figure. "Jord and I have the male, Deadly Beauty and Lovely C.C. you two get the female." whisped Opal. "right." replyed C.C. "GET EM!" yelled Opal. and the chase began. C.C. and Beauty chased the woman to a dead end. "Who are you?!" yelled C.C. "I am former mod and member Tea-Leaf. replyed Tea. "vice mod Lovely C.C. and vice mod Deadly Beauty." said the girls. "Tell you girls what, beat me, and I'll tell you where Pizza is." giggled Tea. "Sound good to me." said C.C. "since there is two of you I'll have 8000 life points. "lets duel!" said the three girls.

 

Lovely C.C. LP4000

Deadly Beauty LP4000

Tea-Leaf LP8000

 

Tea's turn

plays Masulium of the Empiror, summons Earthbound Linewalker.

 

Beauty's trun

summons Insect Knight.

 

C.C.'s turn

summons Nurse Refiquel The Fallen One. plays Rain of Mercy. Beauty and C.C. gain 1000LP and because of Refiquel, Tea loses 1000LP. one facedown.

 

C.C. LP5000

Beauty LP5000

Tea LP7000

 

Tea's turn

plays Field Barrier. pays 2000LP (Tea LP5000) to play Earthbound Immortal Ccarayhua. attacks directly with Ccarayhua. C.C. activates Sakuretsu Armor. Ccarayhua's effect activates destroying all cards on the field. because of Field Barrier, Masulim of the Empiror is not destroyed.

 

 

Beauty's turn

summons Intoxicated Bug of the Ice Barrier.

 

C.C.'s turn

summons Kuribon.

 

Tea's turn

plays 2000 LP (Tea LP3000) to summon Earthbound Immortal Ccapac Apu. equips Ccapac Apu with Axe of Despair and Twin Swords of Flashing Light- Tryice. Ccapac Apu's attack becomes 3500. attacks C.C. directly. (C.C. LP1500) attacks Beauty directly. (Beauty LP1500)

 

"What are these things?" panted C.C. "This is not looking good." agreed Beauty. "Tea! Thats enough! Our targets our the mods. Not the vice mods." came a voice. "Hunter!" gasped C.C. and Beauty. meanwhile "Come quietly Hobbes." said Opal. "Hey! How did you know it was me?!" greiped Hobbes. "Well who else would it be at this point? replyed Jord. meanwhile Icy and Pudding continued to battle Kaze. "I'm impressed. You two have indeed gotten stronger. Well, I must be going. My boss is coming." said Kaze. meanwhile "Boss?" asked C.C.

"Correct." said Tea. "He will probally turn this place to rubble." laughed Hunter. meanwhile "Thats a load of crap." roared Opal. "Its not. Think about it." said Hobbes. meanwhile "I came back. Tea came back. Hobbes came back. Hunter came back. who else do you think will return?" grinned Kaze.

"no." gasped C.C. "thats inpossible." said Beauty. "does he mean?" stuttered VK. "I hope not." said Gliscor. "because if he does, we are all going to die." replyed Arm.

"ok. this is really bad!" said Opal. "no way." murmured Roxas. "wow. this is not going to end well." said Larx. "sir?" said Princess Kitty. "I never thought HE would have betrayed us too. stuttered Flame. "got any ideas?" asked Pudding. "hope that we don't get slaughtered." replyed Icy. "I always wanted to meet him, but not like this. said Jord.

"COME ON OUT BOSS!" yelled Tea, Hunter, Hobbes, and Kaze.

"Hello everyone. You all should know me. now, BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!" bellowed a voice.

"Well we're dead." said Icy. "Yup." agreed Pudding. "Yep." said Roxas. "Yeah." sighed Opal. "uh huh." replyed Flame. "YCM! BOW BEFORE MY FEET! TREMBLE AT SIGHT! QUIVER AT THE SOUND OF MY NAME!..............FRUNK!" roared Frunk.

 

 

ch6 the true objectives. the tears of of hero and his cards.

 

"Your swordsman ship is impressive for children." said Frunk. "Thanks." said Roxas. "Yeah. Roxas, I got a bad feeling." said Jord. "What do you mean?" replied Roxas. "I'm not sure. I just have a feeling they wanted to get us into groups, but why?" wondered Jord. meanwhile "I can't.....take much more." wheezed Pudding. "Same here." panted Icy. "Pathetic. I overestamated you two. How dissapointing." frowned Kaze. Icy and Pudding pass out from their injurys. meanwhile

 

"I.....I....I can't move." gasped Opal. "How boring. Tiger and OMG, finish her. "Got it boss." said Tiger and OMGakitty. "Oh no you don't. I think thinks its time I play exacutioner. I thirst for blood. I'll give you two choices. Leave. Or me and my eight little razor sharp friends cut your organs out, while you die slowly and painfully. After words I'll most likely eat your organs. I love the taste of fresh and butched human flesh." giggled Larxene.

 

Two loud screams were heard as Hobbes, Opalmoon, and Yankeefan watched in horror, fear, and dusgust Larx cut Tiger and OMGaktty up like Thanksgiving turkeys. Opal and Yankee faint after seeing the revolting sight. Hobbes hits Larxene across the head with a stone knocking her out cold. elsewhere Flame Dragon, Sushi, and Yin also were defeated. meanwhile

 

"I have had fun. However I must end this. Phantom Roxas and Lovely C.C! Prepare to die! I summon Dark End Dragon! Kill Them! Before the attack reaches Roxas and C.C., Jord pushs them out of the way. Taking the full force of the attack. "NO!" screamed Roxas and C.C. Roxas and C.C. rush over to Jord to see if he is ok. He is not breathing and blood is dripping from his mouth. "no. jord!" cried C.C. "come on kid! snap out of it!" yelled Roxas. then Jord's deck began to glow, his fingers moved, blood stopped coming out of his mouth. His heart started to beat again. Before C.C. and Roxas could say anything Frunk knocked C.C. and Roxas out. "Mission complete.' laughed Frunk. As the traitor mods left, they took Crab, Sushi, Opal, Yin, Pudding, Icy, Flame, and Roxas with them. Jord200 and the other vice moderators were left for dead. Out cold and wounded, with no idea what horrors were in store soon.

 

ch7 the kingdom crumbles. YCM falls apart.

 

"Jord.....Jord.....Come on Jord. Wake up." said a voice. "Wha? What happened?" muttered Jord. "Its over. We lost." sighed C.C. "What?! Don't tell me!" gasped Jord. "Yeah. Everyone other than you, C.C., Larxene, VK, DMG, Mia, Gliscor, Arm, Baku, Otaku, Beauty, Kitty, Xion, News, Pikachu, and I, is either dead or missing. The worst part is the mods have been kidnapped." said Saturn. "Wow. Well what are we waiting for? Lets go rescue everyone." said Jord.

 

"What do mean? YCM is done for. The mods are done for. YCMaker and Pizza are done for. Lets all just go. We should get on with our lives." said Larx. "She has a point. There is very little hope for anything or anyone." agreed Gliscor. "Yeah. Lets just go." sighed News. "WHAT?! You guys can't be serious! Sure there's not a lot of hope, but we have to try! Or at least save the mods! Larx! You has been by your side since you first joined? Roxas. Mia! When Hunter first left who was there to help cheer you up? Icy. VK! When your little brother got jailed who was there to laugh at him with you? Yin. have you guys forgoten all that? We need to work together to save everyone." said Jord.

 

Larxene, Gliscor, Saturn, News, Otaku, Arm, Pikachu, Beauty, and Mia began walking away. "Come on! DMG, VK, Xion, Kitty, C.C., Baku. Your all with me right?" sighed Jord. ".....I'm sorry. Its impossible." said DMG sadly as she began to walk away.

"Sorry man." replyed Baku as he walked off.

".....Sorry. We can't win. Its over." said VK sadly as he walked off.

" Give it up Jord.....Its pointless." sighed Xion.

" I'm sorry Jord.....I'm sorry." responded C.C.

".....Sorry." said Kitty sadly. stunned, Jord can't belive his friends are abandoning everything. "Fine! I'll do it myself! I'll save everyone alone!" said Jord as he ran in the opposite direction. Now it was up to Jord200 to save everyone. Alone.

 

 

ch8. The three treasures under YCM and the nine keys

 

"I just wish I knew where I was going." sighed Jord "Follow me." came a voice. Jord looked up is awe as he saw Uria, Lord of Searing Flames rise from his deck. "Follow me." said Uria. Not sure what else he could do, he decided to follow Uria. meanwhile

 

"Pizza. How you holding up?" wheezed YCMaker. "I've been better. The mods are in bad shape. Opal and Roxas are in the worst shape. If they don't get medical atention soon, they'll die." responded Pizza. "Welcome old friends." said Frunk as he entered. "YOU!! YOU TRAITOR! HOW COULD YOU DO ALL THIS FRUNK?!" roared YCMaker in rage. "I have nothing to say to that other than this. Where are the Aura Storm Champions?" laughed Frunk. "Frunk. You can't be after those. Even YOU know that those things are too powerful for anyone to control. They power is strong enough to to not only rule the universe, but its power is strong enough to kill their weilder if he or she is not able to handle that power!" gasped YCMaker. "Do you think I care old friend?" frowned Frunk. "I see I can't convince you otherwise. However you cannot open the vault mine and Pizza's great grandparents used to seal them away." said YCMaker. "Your right. I can't. Without the nine sacred cards." grinned Frunk.

 

"True, but I won't tell you where those nine cards are!" said YCMaker. "Six. I already have The Wicked Eraser, Raviel Lord of Phantasms, and The Winged Dragon of Ra. Now where are the others? Or do I have to torture your moderators until you do? hissed Frunk. "Don't tell!" said Icy. " We will die if we have to, if it means protecting the vault!" agreed Yin. "Forgive me everyone. I simply cannot sit back and watch my comerads be killed. I'll tell you where two of the cards are if you free two of the mods. sighed YCMaker. "Fair enough." agreed Frunk. "Roxas. Forgive me for putting your closest friend in grave danger. Larxene has Hamon. VK has Dreadroot. Now release Opalmoon and Icylue!" said YCMaker. "Very well. Kaze, Tea, Hunter. You three take these two away." said Frunk. Kaze, Tea, and Hunter did as told. They took Roxas and Opal away. However YCMaker, Falling Pizza, and the other mods didn't know that Opal and Roxas were only put in a different chamber. Frunk had tricked YCMaker. meanwhile

 

"Is this the place?" asked Jord. "Indeed." replyed Uria. "Thanks......Don't worry guys. I won't leave my friends." said Jord.

 

 

ch9 Jord vs Kaze, Tea, and Hunter

 

"We have an intruder." said Frunk. "Things are getting far more interastng these days. Who is it?" laughed Kaze. "Jord200. However I found something out. Look at this, he was once in a champion chip duel. Besides Uria, he used The Wicked Avitar and Obylisk the Tormentor." said Frunk. "Your saying he has three of the keys?!" gasped Tea. "Correct. I want the three of you to go and greet our guest." chuckled Frunk. meanwhile

 

"And of course, this place is gigantic." sighed Jord. "Welcome Jord200." said Tea. "We've been expecting you." said Kaze. "I'm afraid you won't be leaving. At least not alive. We need you to give us Uria, Avitar, and Obylisk." said Huner. "You have a better chance of Larxene wearing pink." replyed Jord. "I figured. How about this. We duel you. You win, you can go ahead. We win, well lets just say the next duel you have will be in the sky." giggled Tea. "Fine." said Jord. "Lets duel!" the four said.

 

Jord200 LP12000

Tea-Leaf LP4000

Kaze LP4000

Hunter LP4000

 

Jord's turn

Summons Ice Blast User Rice in def. Sets three cards.

 

Tea's turn

Plays Field Barrier. Summons Dandylion in def. Sets one facedown.

 

Kaze's turn

summons Wise Core http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Wise_Core in def.

 

Hunter's turn

Activates Sin World. Sets two cards facedown.

 

Jord's turn

Summons Blood Sucker http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Blood_Sucker in atk. Attacks and destroys Wise Core.

"Thank you. When Wise Core is destroyed, I can play Machine Emperor Wisel Infinity, Wisel Top, Wisel Attack, Wisel Carrier, and Wisel Guard! Now unite!" yelled Kaze! "What in the world?!" gasped Jord. "Behold! Machine Emperor Wisel Infinty!" laughed Kaze proudly.

 

Tea's turn

Sets 1 card.

 

Kaze's turn

Attacks with Wisel. Jord activates Negate Attack.

 

Hunter's turn

skips.

 

Jord's turn

Summons Familiar Possesed- Eria. Attacks and destroys Dandylion. Tea gets two Fluffy Tokens. Jord activates Swords of Reveiling Light.

 

Tea's turn

"Its time. I sacrifice my two Fluffy Tokens to summon Earthbound Imortal Alsca Piscu!" yelled Tea.

 

Kaze's turn

skips.

 

Hunter's turn

"Now I remove from play the Cyber End Dragon in my Extra Deck to play Sin Cyber End Dragon!" bellowed Hunter.

 

 

ch10 lament of agony. all hope lost

 

"This is bad. Come on, gimme a game changer. Huh?" said Jord as he looked at his card. "What did he draw?" whispered Kaze. "

"I activate Metal Reflect Slime. Now that my trap monster is out, I sacrifice Metal Reflect Slime, Blood Sucker, and Ice Blast User Rice! To Play one of my strongest and rarest cards! Almighty Egyptian warrior, hear my cry! Rise from your slumber and judge the evil ones! Pound them into the earth with your fists of glory! I SUMMON OBYLISK THE TORMENTOR!" said Jord.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Replies 57
  • Created
  • Last Reply
SmallieBigs Newbie

SmallieBigs

Posted
Posted

Where am I? XD

I thought I would make a YCM fanfic. in it' date=' the main story is here at YCM duh. Moderators have 1 partner they choose to work with them. cards are desighned, members sometimes duel in spare time. anyways here it is.

 

 

In a land far far away, there is a palace as big as a country exists. It is known as YCM. That is were our story takes place.

 

Prolouge

 

"Finally. A day to relax. " A blonde haired boy in a black coat said. "Yeah. I needed this. " girl with antene like hair said. "Roxas! Larx!" came a voice. "And there goes the relaxing. Who is Nathan?" said Roxas. "Thatis Chaos Pudding and did you forget? Opal is choosing her new subordnate today," said Pudding. "*groan* fine were coming." Larxene said. The three made there way towards the hall of the mods. A place only moderators and vice moderators are allowed.

 

"There you three are! Humph. Being late to something like this!" said a man, "easy Crab. They came thats all that matters." said a blue haired boy. "Icy, your too forgiving. I say they-" before Crab could finish he was interrupted. "ENOUGH! BOTH OF YOU!" came a voice. "Sorry sir. All rise for the king of YCM. YCMAKER!" said Icy. A purple haired girl stood with a sword, infront of a boy who was on his knees, "you may begin Opal." said YCMaker. "Do you promise to help me moderate and protect this organization?" said Opal. "Yes." the boy said.

New paragraph when somebody new is speaking.

"Do you promise to help those who need it, and punish those who break the laws? and serve me as my suborbnate?" said Opal. "yes." the boy said. "then I Opalmoon hereby promote you to vice moderator. congratulations. Jord200." said Opal. "thank you. Opalmoon." said Jord. the sound of aplause is heard as Opal rested the swords blade on Jord's shoulder. "This calls for a celebration feast." said a man. "all right Falling Pizza!" said a man with the smell of raw fish on him. "is your stomach all the think about Sushi?" said Icyblue.

 

"Aren't you coming sir?" said Falling Pizza? "I'll catch up. I have somethings I must attend to." said YCMaker. as the party went on Ycmaker worked in his quarters. until..... *thump* "who goes there? Pizza is that you? huh?! what are you doing here?!" said YCMaker in horror. "*laughs* can't I say hi to an old friend? said a voice. after the party Pizza sleepishly walked by YCMaker's quarters to check on his brother. "sir? wha?! ohno!" YCMaker. YCMaker? YCMAKER!!" yelled Pizza. but YCMaker was gone. and in his wall was a giant hole. YCMaker had been kidnapped.

So all I saw was a lot of capitalization mistakes and writing mistkaes otherwise it seems very interesting...

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest PikaPerson01

Guest PikaPerson01

Posted
Posted

1: Capitalize the starts of sentences.

 

2: Press "enter" after every line of dialogue. It looks cleaner.

 

3: Don't keep throwing around the word "said". Either leave it out (since it's evident if there are only two people in the scene, only they would be talking) or write something else, like "replied", "questioned", "remarked", "exclaimed" etc etc.

 

Overall it'd look like:

 

"Knock Knock" said Crab Helmet

"Who's there?" queried PikaPerson01

"The interrupting cow." he replied.

"The interrupting c-"

"Moo!"

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...