The New Generation (PG-13)

[The Borg]

Chapter One: The Day Time Stopped.

 

I thought that would be a normal day. After school I went to NeoWorld Cards to buy a new pack of Yu-Gi-Oh. That day they were giving out the world's first ever duel disk. Before tables had to be set up but now Yu-Gi-Oh could be played anywhere. When I got home I plugged in the duel disk to my computer to set my duelist account up. The duel disk had 300 applications developed on it already. Several of them were games but I saw a special one.

 

The special one was called Duel Quest. It allowed you to play in a tournament. In it three hundred thousand people were stationed around the world. Each one had a code. If you could get all of the codes you would get a complete collection of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. I downloaded the app. Then a holographic menu appeared in front of me displaying the nearest person with a code. I quickly raced to them. They were on the top floor of the Duel Tower. The duel tower sent contestants up 300 stories to duel using the holographic imaging system in the tower.

 

"So you must be the first person to find me," the code duelist said to me.

 

"Ya, I guess I am," I told him.

 

"Shall we duel?" he asked me.

 

" Of course," I answered thinking how easy this would be.

 

The duel disks activated and we drew our hands. I had Fortune Lady Fire, Fortune Collapse (sacrifice one Fortune Lady you control to draw 5 cards when you have 0 cards in your hand), Negate Attack, Defense Draw, and Gilasaurus. He went first. When he drew a blue ring of pure energy appeared around us and everyone but us stopped.

[The Borg]

No comments?

[Twig]

I think you need a Twig Breaking News.

 

Chapter One: The Day Time Stopped.

 

I thought that would be a normal day.

 

Read that sentence above this please. Does that make sense? I think not.

 

After school I went to NeoWorld Cards to buy a new pack of Yu-Gi-Oh. That day they were giving out the world's first ever duel disk. Before tables had to be set up but now Yu-Gi-Oh could be played anywhere.

 

Read the bold. That doesn't make sense either. Just take out Before. Read it before you post it. Also' date=' comma plox.[/color']

 

When I got home I plugged in the duel disk to my computer to set my duelist account up. The duel disk had 300 applications developed on it already. Several of them were games but I saw a special one.

 

That paragraph. It was boring. Add some adverbs or something.

 

The special one was called Duel Quest. It allowed you to play in a tournament. In it three hundred thousand people were stationed around the world. Each one had a code. If you could get all of the codes you would get a complete collection of Yu-Gi-Oh cards.

 

Oh, so you have to win three hundred thousand duels. That sounds easy.[/sarcasm]

 

I downloaded the app. Then a holographic menu appeared in front of me displaying the nearest person with a code. I quickly raced to them. They were on the top floor of the Duel Tower. The duel tower sent contestants up 300 stories to duel using the holographic imaging system in the tower.

 

This story so far just sounds...boring. There's no excitement. There's no feeling.

 

"So you must be the first person to find me," the code duelist said to me.

 

"Ya, I guess I am," I told him.

 

"Shall we duel?" he asked me.

 

" Of course," I answered thinking how easy this would be.

Sometimes, you don't have to add the extra ending for the dialogue. It just sound awkward; he said, I told, he asked, I answered. See what I mean?

 

The duel disks activated and we drew our hands. I had Fortune Lady Fire, Fortune Collapse (sacrifice one Fortune Lady you control to draw 5 cards when you have 0 cards in your hand), Negate Attack, Defense Draw, and Gilasaurus. He went first. When he drew a blue ring of pure energy appeared around us and everyone but us stopped.

 

Missing commas are missing. So what, is this like, Bakugan duels?

 

Here's the problem. I don't know who the character is. I don't know where the setting of the story is. This is boring. Add details, literary devices, adjectives, adverbs, and stuff like that.