Cozmosus Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 This is my first Fan-fic(Not roleplay) and it might not be as good as others. Anyways, here it is![spoiler=Prolouge]The apocalypse has come. A small team has band together to defeat the creatures and survive is epic end of the world [spoiler=Chapter 1-Aliens]Do you know the myth of 2012? Didn't think it would happen, did you? Well, nobody did. Except for a select few. One was a catholic, named Jerome Robles, believed in the book of Revelation. He had dirty blond hair, blue eyes, and was thin, but pretty strong. Another, was Benjamin Clancy, one of those crazy guys standing on the street. They aren't crazy. He thought the Myans were right. He had long brown hair, wore rectangular glasses, and hadn't shaved in a week. And finally, our main character,Alex Cooper, a technician. He was tall, had black hair, and a medium build. We will start out with Alex. He believed that aliens were real. He watched the stars, followed UFO reports, and unbeknownst to him, his life would change with an invention he was working on, an interspacial communicator. His theory, was that this device could transfer radio signals throught space, near the speed of light, lightyears away. Most people would not think this possible, but he had perfected his invention. "Damn, why doesn't this thing work!". He'd been testing it all day. He decided to go to bed. That night, he reached aliens. His research had payed off. But not in the way he thought. He happened to leave the tv on a scifi movie. A hairy grey creature ran across the table. The communicator smashed against the ground. At nearly the same time, a radio fell on top of it. The wiring was twisted and tied. Sparks flew. ">£¥€>£€~#££¥€<€£%<€%}]#^€?~<" aliens had recieved the radio signal. "£^#€|# Earth %£¥". They had heard the television sets voices. The general on the tv was screaming at his enemy. "We will destroy you! We will attack, and defeat you all!". The aliens took offense to this. That is the day aliens attacked the earth.That's the first chapter! Second will be zombies, third will be mutants, then the story will mix and continue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 Guess what? TWIG BREAKING NEWS! Prolouge: The apocalypse has come. A small team has band together to defeat the creatures and survive is epic end of the world Umm' date=' this isn't really a prologue. It's just a sentence. Also, no period, and it's banded together not band. For the bolded part, I hope you meant to say [i']this[/i]. Chapter 1-AliensI'm already worried. Big blocks of text scare people you know? Do you know the myth of 2012? Didn't think it would happen, did you? Well, nobody did. Except for a select few. One was a catholic, named Jerome Robles, believed in the book of Revelation. He had dirty blond hair, blue eyes, and was thin, but pretty strong. Another, was Benjamin Clancy, one of those crazy guys standing on the street. They aren't crazy. He thought the Myans were right. Okay, you spelled Mayans wrong. One thing my English teacher taught me is that to never start your paragraph with a yes or no question. Why? Because if the reader says no, they're most likely going to get bored or stop reading. He had long brown hair, wore rectangular glasses, and hadn't shaved in a week. And finally, our main character,Alex Cooper, a technician. He was tall, had black hair, and a medium build. We will start out with Alex. Another thing my teacher taught me. Look at the bolded part. Don't tell us, show us. He believed that aliens were real. He watched the stars, followed UFO reports, and unbeknownst to him, his life would change with an invention he was working on, an interspacial communicator. You have big words there. That's a problem for the young readers YCM. Remember the ages here are most likely 9-15 years old. I don't even know what unbeknownst mean. His theory, was that this device could transfer radio signals throught space, near the speed of light, lightyears away. Most people would not think this possible, but he had perfected his invention. Hmmm, I don't see errors here. "Damn, why doesn't this thing work!". He'd been testing it all day. He decided to go to bed. That night, he reached aliens. His research had payed off. But not in the way he thought. He happened to leave the tv on a scifi movie. TV is usually capitalized, and sci-fi is usually separated in a hyphen. Also, every new dialogue is a new paragraph. A hairy grey creature ran across the table. The communicator smashed against the ground. At nearly the same time, a radio fell on top of it. The wiring was twisted and tied. Sparks flew. Spell gray correctly. That is all. ">£¥€>£€~#££¥€<€£%<€%}]#^€?~<" aliens had recieved the radio signal. "£^#€|# Earth %£¥". Yoda: Strange symbols I do not understandBy the way, you spelled received wrong. Just remember i before e except after c or when making an a sound as in neighbor and weigh. They had heard the television sets voices. The general on the tv was screaming at his enemy. "We will destroy you! We will attack, and defeat you all!". The aliens took offense to this. That is the day aliens attacked the earth. Apostrophe after the t in sets. Also, have respect and capitalize Earth. That's the first chapter! Second will be zombies, third will be mutants, then the story will mix and continue. This is more like the prologue. Also, don't tell us what's going to happen next. It kinda spoils it. It's good, but I think it should have more details. Literary devices help make it more interesting. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cozmosus Posted January 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 Guess what? TWIG BREAKING NEWS! Prolouge: The apocalypse has come. A small team has band together to defeat the creatures and survive is epic end of the world Umm' date=' this isn't really a prologue. It's just a sentence. Also, no period, and it's banded together not band. For the bolded part, I hope you meant to say [i']this[/i]. I didn't mean to put epic. I was on my phone and sometimes it corrects things in a wierd way Chapter 1-AliensI'm already worried. Big blocks of text scare people you know????? Do you know the myth of 2012? Didn't think it would happen, did you? Well, nobody did. Except for a select few. One was a catholic, named Jerome Robles, believed in the book of Revelation. He had dirty blond hair, blue eyes, and was thin, but pretty strong. Another, was Benjamin Clancy, one of those crazy guys standing on the street. They aren't crazy. He thought the Myans were right. Okay, you spelled Mayans wrong. One thing my English teacher taught me is that to never start your paragraph with a yes or no question. Why? Because if the reader says no, they're most likely going to get bored or stop reading. My class once read a book that started with a yes or no question. We did a work sheet. Question 1 was "How would you answer the question at the beggining of the book?". Some said yes, some no, but when we voted, everyone thought it was awsome. He had long brown hair, wore rectangular glasses, and hadn't shaved in a week. And finally, our main character,Alex Cooper, a technician. He was tall, had black hair, and a medium build. We will start out with Alex. Another thing my teacher taught me. Look at the bolded part. Don't tell us, show us. I already put the descriptions, and it wouldn't look good if I wrote what he was doing. Everyone wouldn't know who I'm talking about unless I put his description in there. As I said, this is my first fanfic, plus I was on my phone. He believed that aliens were real. He watched the stars, followed UFO reports, and unbeknownst to him, his life would change with an invention he was working on, an interspacial communicator. You have big words there. That's a problem for the young readers YCM. Remember the ages here are most likely 9-15 years old. I don't even know what unbeknownst mean.As I said, my phone corrects things weird. I meant to put unbeknownst. Sorry, phone. I meant u n k n o w n His theory, was that this device could transfer radio signals throught space, near the speed of light, lightyears away. Most people would not think this possible, but he had perfected his invention. Hmmm, I don't see errors here. "Damn, why doesn't this thing work!". He'd been testing it all day. He decided to go to bed. That night, he reached aliens. His research had payed off. But not in the way he thought. He happened to leave the tv on a scifi movie. TV is usually capitalized, and sci-fi is usually separated in a hyphen. Also, every new dialogue is a new paragraph.Couldn't find the enter button on my phone A hairy grey creature ran across the table. The communicator smashed against the ground. At nearly the same time, a radio fell on top of it. The wiring was twisted and tied. Sparks flew. Spell gray correctly. That is all. ">£¥€>£€~#££¥€<€£%<€%}]#^€?~<" aliens had recieved the radio signal. "£^#€|# Earth %£¥". Yoda: Strange symbols I do not understandBy the way, you spelled received wrong. Just remember i before e except after c or when making an a sound as in neighbor and weigh.You are not supposed to understand those symbols. That's the joke! Do I have to repeat why there are spelling mistakes? They had heard the television sets voices. The general on the tv was screaming at his enemy. "We will destroy you! We will attack, and defeat you all!". The aliens took offense to this. That is the day aliens attacked the earth. Apostrophe after the t in sets. Also, have respect and capitalize Earth. If you put an apostrophe after the t, it becomes "set's" which is actually a contraction for "set is". That's the first chapter! Second will be zombies, third will be mutants, then the story will mix and continue. This is more like the prologue. Also, don't tell us what's going to happen next. It kinda spoils it.But then everyone would be mixed up when I write the second chapter and say "Whoah! I thought this was about aliens, not zombies!" It's good, but I think it should have more details. Literary devices help make it more interesting. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 Wait, you were typing this in your phone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cozmosus Posted January 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 Yes. Didn't I just say that 5 times? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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