The War of Dream World (First Chapter posted)

[Guest War Torn]

This is my first Fan Fic so bear with me. All posts must be constuctive for my Fan Fic. This takes place during the Battle City Tournament, but in a whole new perpective. More characters will come as they come. Thats all for now.

 

[spoiler=Characters]

[spoiler=King Nathan]The youngest king that ever ruled Dream World. He is a 7 year old duelest that has never lost at anything. He is kind, but is a strong leader that can pull his troops out of defeat just in time for victory.

 

[spoiler=Marik]You know him as the keeper of the Millenium Rod. He was the emperor of the Empire of Darkness, before Chase took over after he lost against Yugi.

 

[spoiler=Jimmy]Captain of Command Craft TP92 that protects the cartoon world of Retrovile. He may be small, but has a mind of a super powered computer.

 

[spoiler=Jerry]Jimmy's second in command, what he doesn't know is that he'll run his own fleet someday.

 

[spoiler=Chase Young]Marik's ambitious general. He'll do anything to get the spot at the throne.

 

[spoiler=Johnny]The Captain of Command Craft OT19 that protects Philadelphia. He may be new to his job, but can command his troops even in he darkest times.

 

 

 

[spoiler=Prolouge]The Kingdom of Dream World used to be a cluster of independent cartoon worlds with no central authority. This was the case until a war between two worlds threatened to destroy them all. On one side was the soon to be Kingdom of Dream World which was ruled by a young king named Nathan who wanted to protect them. The other side was the soon to be feared Empire of Darkness ruled by Marik (soon to be ruled by Chase). These two forces knew nothing about each other until their first battle. Their first battle would take place near Retroville.

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1]“Command Craft TP92, this is Royal Transport STRIKE98 do you copy,” said Nathan.

“He’s here!” shouted Jimmy, “This is Command Craft TP92, thanks for coming on short notice Nathan. Did you bring back-up?”

“Unfortunately Jimmy, I have no other ships at my disposal at the moment,” said Nathan, “I’m on a solo mission to the Battle City Tournament. If you want me to I’ll call for back-up from the base near Philadelphia.” Jimmy wasn't expecting Nathan to be on a solo mission.

“Quick,” commanded Jimmy, “How long will it take for them to get here from the base near Philadelphia?” Jimmy was in a hurry, if nothing was done, his base and all others would of been destroyed.

“It’ll take them one hour for back-up to come,” replied Sergeant Jerry, "Nathan should of choose a closer base."

“We’ll only survive for another 30 minutes at the most,” added Jimmy.

“I can still hear you guys,” interrupted Nathan, “So don’t worry, a squad of fifteen ships are in range; they’ll be here in ten minutes.” “Thank you Nathan,” said Jimmy.

 

“Command Craft TP92, this is Command Craft OT19,” said Johnny, “We are here to give you a hand with those idiots.”

“Mind if I take command Captain,” asked Nathan, “I know every weakness their ship has.” “Very well then.” “Ok men fire at will,” shouted Nathan, “We got them their going down!!!” “Thank goodness,” said Jimmy, “Now we are safe.” “I’ll see you guys later,” said Nathan, “I got to get to the Battle City Tournament!”

 

[Guest War Torn]

Anyone going to comment?

[Twig]

First of all, the chapter is too short. Second, every new person talking is a new paragraph. Third, the chapter is 100% dialogue. It needs more description.

[Max Darkness]

First of all' date=' the chapter is too short. Second, every new person talking is a new paragraph. Third, the chapter is 100% dialogue. It needs more description.

[/quote']

 

This.

[Guest War Torn]

Thank you everyone, I have a hard time with details, I had that problem with Mr.Whams RP as well.