| Yu-Gi-Oh! | Dawn of a Duelist | Chapter #2 is up! | Both Chapters Edited! |

[Kotaro]

From chapter 1, there are a few little mistakes that I saw which have already been pointed out.

 

Chapter 2 was better and quite interesting duel, 1 or 2 little grammar mistakes but just minor. The only thing, is that Wisler had 4000 LP and went down to 3600 but then the next time Wisler ended his turn, you put his LP as 4000 again and then it was 2600 just a bit afterwards, am I missing something here?

 

Despite this, quite good FF so far.

[SmallieBigs]

Daily News has arrived...

[spoiler=Daily News]DUEL:

Michael vs. Whisler

++++

 

Whisler’s Turn

Seems a little scripty.

“Ok. I will make the first move,” says Whisler as he draws his six cards from the deck.

Is says even a word? Which deck? Also where from the deck?

“First, I activate “Destiny Draw”. I will discard my “Destiny Hero – Malicious” from my hand to draw 2 cards from my deck,” says Whisler as he draws two cards from his deck into his hand. He smirked with confidence as the two cards revealed to him.

No need to put the card name in quotes.

“Now I summon “Dark Army – Deer Rider” in attack position (Beast/Tuner | DARK | Level 3 | ATK: 900 | DEF: 800) and I will accompany some my Spell and Trap Card Zone with 2 face downs,” said Whisler as “Dark Army – Deer Rider” appeared along with 2 face downs. He ended his turn.

Describe them in a new paragraph please. Ummm the problem is with the "He ended his turn" is he didn't say it really.

++++

Whisler:

Life Points: 4000

Cards in Hand: 3

Monsters: “Dark Army – Deer Rider”.

Spell/Trap: 2 Set Cards

Cards in Deck: 32

Cards in Graveyard: 2

++++

 

Michael’s Turn

 

“You have made an interesting move there Whisler. I have always liked that about you,” said Michael as he tried to soften up Whisler.

Cool as ice.

“Why thank you. I am pleased to hear that. Now on with your move,” said Whisler. He was fully aware of what Michael was trying to pull off.

o rly?

“Now to start my turn off, I will summon “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher” in attack position (Warrior/Effect | DARK | Level 4 | ATK: 1300 | DEF: 800). I will now fill my Spell and Trap Card Zone with 5 set cards,” said Michael as his field loaded up with 5 face down cards and “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher”.

You have a typo and a bit of a run on sentence.

“Now it is time for an attack. “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher” attack “Dark Army – Deer Rider” (Whisler’s Life Points: 4000 -> 3600),” said Michael with excitement. Whisler’s monster had been destroyed, like that of shattered glass.

New paragraph for Life Points/Monster Stats please unless you don't want it to look huge. OK.

“That is all I have to offer you this turn Whisler, I end my turn,” said Michael, giving Whisler a chance to make a move for the better.

No not really.

++++

Michael:

Life Points: 4000

Cards in Hand: 0

Monsters: “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher”

Spell/Trap Cards: 5 Set Cards

Cards in Deck: 34

Cards in Graveyard: 0

++++

 

Whisler’s Turn:

 

“Alright, in addition to my regular draw, I will activate my face down card “Reckless Greed”,” said Whisler, pointing his hand in the direction of the lifting hologram.

OH LOOKIE THAR!

“I do myself, activate a face down. I activate “Dark Bribe”, negating the effect of “Reckless Greed” but, allowing you to draw one card,” said Michael in response to Whisler’s card activation.

Run-on sentances are useful.

“Ok. I still have another option though. It is called “Allure of Darkness”. I will now draw two cards and remove from play “Destiny Hero – Malicious” from my hand,” said Whisler, he was sure that with this hand of cards, he was going to win. “I will now set one card monster face down and end my turn.”

Ummmm yeah that is a little bit odd to win right now.

++++

Whisler:

Life Points: 4000

Cards in Hand: 5

Monsters: 1 Set Monster

Spell/Trap Cards: 1 Set Card

Cards in Deck: 28

Cards in Graveyard: 4

++++

 

Michael’s Turn:

 

“I will draw. Now, due to “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher’s” effect, I can place 1 Clock Counter on him. (1 Clock Counter),” said Michael as “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher” began to glow.

o no.

“I will now set 1 face down and begin my attack. “Destiny Hero – Clock Watcher” attack his face down monster,” announced Michael, hoping the face down monster was of weaker strength then his face down monster. The monster was revealed. It was “Mystic Tomato”. It went just as fast as “Dark Army – Deer Rider” did.

Okay.

“I will now Special Summon my “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude” thanks to the effect of the destroyed “Mystic Tomato”,” says Whisler announcing “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude” to the field.

I sense Draw Abuse.

“Okay. That concludes my turn,” said Michael, finishing his turn.

Ummmm okay.

++++

Michael:

Life Points: 4000

Cards in Hand: 0

Monsters: “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher”

Spell/Trap Cards: 5 Set Cards

Cards in Deck: 33

Cards in Graveyard: 1

++++

 

Whisler’s Turn:

 

“Ok. I activate “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude’s” effect. I will now reveal the top card of my deck,” said Whisler as he revealed the top card of his Deck. It was “Dark Army – Death Rider”.

Lolfail.

“Well that isn’t good. Guess I am going to have to place him on the bottom of my deck,” complained Whisler with an unenthusiastic voice.

Well then there is no Draw Abuse.

“You aren’t very excited Mr. Whisler. It was only a little problem. Nothing much,” said Michael hoping to cheer Whisler up.

Spelling out abbreviations is cool.

“I can turn it around. I will continue by special summoning a very powerful card my friend. I summon “Dark Armed Dragon” (Dragon/Effect | DARK | Level 7 | ATK: 2800 | DEF: 1000)!” said Whisler with a burst of excitement.

Yeah a DAD is great.

“That’s how you beat him Whisler!” A man from the crowd of people shouted out. Dark Armed Dragon had barely appeared before Michael started laughing.

OMG!!!!!!

“Sorry. I activate my face down card “Solemn Judgement” (Michael’s Life Points: 4000 -> 2000),” declared Michael, as Whisler stared with awe.

Of course...

“Can I do anything right today,” said Whisler furious with the move, hoping to grab the attention of Michael.

Lol.

“Ah don’t worry Whisler, today just isn’t your day,” said Michael with a contenting voice, one like Jaden Yuki.

Funny how you mention the worst duelist of all time in a good Fan-Fic.

“Now time to make a good move. I activate “Allure of Darkness”. Drawing 2 cards, now I will remove “Dark Army – Mysterious Duo” from play,” Whisler said hoping for something to put him over the top.

I have to say you are making an excellent duel.

“Now it is time. I will begin to attack, “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude”, attack “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher!” says Whisler, ready to claim victory.

How?

“Again, I will have to stop you. I activate Waboku,” said Michael, hoping to get a reaction from him.

Waboku isn't it great, eh?

“Alright, that is just too much. You have one crazy deck there,” said Whisler raging and complementing at the same time. Something he rarely does.

Okay...

“Okay. To end my turn I will activate “Dark Army”. This card’s effect will be revealed later,” said Whisler, knowing that Michael could not possibly negate it. “That will end my turn."

You forgot teh closing quote!

++++

Whisler:

Life Points: 2600

Cards in Hand: 4

Monsters: “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude”

Spell/Trap Cards: 1 Set Card, “Dark Army”

Cards in Deck: 25

Cards in Graveyard: 6

++++

 

Michael’s Turn:

 

“Ok, I will draw. Now since it is my Standby Phase, I will place 1 Clock Counter on “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher” (2 Clock Counters),” said Michael. “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher” was glowing again, this time, brighter than before. “That will end my turn; I have nothing else to do.”

Mmmm.

++++

Michael:

Life Points: 2000

Cards in Hand: 1

Monsters: “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher”

Spell/Trap Cards: 4 Set Cards

Cards in Deck: 32

Cards in Graveyard: 2

++++

 

Whisler’s Turn:

 

“I will now draw a card. Now I activate “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude’s” effect,” said Whisler, as for the second turn in a row, revealed the top card of his Deck. This time it was “Dark Army – Mad Eye”. “Ok. I will place him on the bottom of my Deck.”

Why are you writing "OK" differently?

“You seem to be happy right now Whisler. Why is that? You didn’t get anything out of it,” said Michael with surprise. He wondered why Whisler was so happy about that move.

Hmmmm yes why.

“It doesn’t matter Michael. I have the exact same card in my hand, so I will summon “Dark Army – Mad Eye” in attack position (Fiend/Effect | Dark | Level 4 | ATK: 1600 | DEF: 1200),” said Whisler, happy with this move.

You've gotta use a period sometime when speech is finished.

“I see. It didn’t bother you at all Whisler,” said Michael, with a bit of hesitation in his voice. ‘Could this be the end?’ he thought.

People also use italics like I have said before to represent thinking.

“Ok. “Dark Army – Mad Eye” proceed to attack “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher”. At this time I will present “Dark Army’s” effect. During my battle phase, all “Dark Army” monsters I control gain 400 ATK. That means “Dark Army – Mad Eye” gains 400 ATK (“Dark Army – Mad Eye’s” ATK: 1600 -> 2000), Whisler said. “Dark Army – Mad Eye” began to glow in the fashion that “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher did. “Ok. “Dark Army – Mad Eye”, attack! (Michael’s Life Points: 2000 -> 1300). Now I will follow up for the game. “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude”, take him down! (Michael’s Life Points: 1300 -> 0)[/i]” announced Whisler as the duel finished. Whisler had won!

Hmmmm strange how Diamond Dude can swing for game.

++++

Whisler:

Life Points: 2600

Cards in Hand: 4

Monsters: Dark Army – Mad Eye, Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude

Spell/Trap Cards: 1 Set Card, “Dark Army”

Cards in Deck: 24

Cards in Graveyard: 6

++++

 

-+-+-+-

 

++++

Michael:

Life Points: 0

Cards in Hand: 1

Monsters: ---

Spell/Trap Cards: 4 Set Cards

Cards in Deck: 32

Cards in Graveyard: 2

++++

 

Michael then walked over to Whisler. “That was a great duel Whisler. You put on a great show out there,” Michael said. He was excited to see Whisler’s skills come through for him.

Yes very excited some what proud too.

Mia then walked over to the group. “Great job you guys! You were pretty fun to watch,” Mia said in ecstasy. She was excited to see Whisler’s

Mmmm ecstacy. Whisler's what exactly?

“It’s Just another duel. That is all I think about it,” Whisler said. He was happy to have another success. Good.

 

[Limited Edition KING]

Nice ff I like It I too am planning a fanfic here's a character for you who coincidently is the main character for my fanfic.

 

Name - Trylor Kazikiel

Age - 18

Deck - Zombie Blackwings (Not his deck in my fanfiction ;))

Personality - Friendly, Nice, Has a temper when he is losing.

 

I would like to see how you use him in this fanfic.

[.Leo]

I think I have enough people in this Fan-Fiction.

 

Sorry for not checking this place out for a while D:

 

I will fix Chapter 2. Got a project to work on though =/