Jump to content

| Yu-Gi-Oh! | Dawn of a Duelist | Chapter #2 is up! | Both Chapters Edited! |

.Leo

By .Leo
in Creative Writing

Recommended Posts

.Leo Newbie

.Leo

Posted
Posted

[align=center]Welcome to my first Fan-Fiction!

 

I am not the best writer in the world so try to keep your posts constructive on the Writing. I am usually better at Non-Fiction the Fiction so there might be a little problem there :P. When browsing throught the Character Spoiler, you won't find very much information atm. I am working on developing it during the Fan-Fiction when more details come to mind. I will probably have full Biographies and Personality Descriptions at Chapter 3-4 or somewhere around then ;D. Also, the Appearance may be a Picture or a 5-6 Sentence Description. I might also include a picture with a description :D. I will if I am in the mood for it ;D. If there is a new Character that is exclusive to a certain Chapter or a series of Chapters, there will be a new Spoiler with Deck Information and such. These Characters run Decks with TCG/OCG Cards.

 

~~~~

 

This Story takes place after Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's. New Domino City is still the dominant place but the Satellite has become a dead place. Barely anybody lives there anymore. During this time many events accur in New Domino City. Threats arive, challanges await for our many characters. Will they be up to the Task?

 

~~~~

 

Character bios are the next thing on the agenda. I am kinda low on ideas so I am using this to get some ;D

 

~~~~

 

Chaos Shining | Fan-Fiction Set #1

 

~~~~

 

[spoiler=Characters]

[spoiler=Michael Beach]

Deck: Dark Heroes

Age: 17

Gender: Male

Apperance: 6532623.png

Biography: During Michael’s life, he has come over many obstacles and events. During his early days of childhood, he was faced with the challenge of peer pressure. He was one of the nicer guys at his school. Everybody was trying to get him to do this or that which could possibly get him in trouble. Ultimately, his classmates had learned from their mistakes and become nicer people. This helped Michael’s life a lot. He got new friends like Whisler and Mia and live they have been friends for a long time. Over the years have passed, Michael’s grades in school have slipped. They haven’t been horrible but he has been cautious of this happening. He has also competed in, and won, 2 Science Fairs. He experimented on genetic transformation and also an experiment on negating the effects of the reaction between baking soda and vinegar. He has always been deemed in school, an original thinker. Someone who always trys to go for the original idea.

---

Personality: Michael is a pleasant guy to hang around with. He is always trying to cheer people up and help them through situations in life. He is laid back and lets events around him happen, with him having limitable reaction to the happening. His personality could be compared to that of Jaden Yuki. Jaden was a laid back, cheerful guy who is just great to have as a friend, similar to Michael.

 

[spoiler=Daniel Christiano]

Deck: Powerforce

Age: 16

Gender: Male

Apperance: f58a664.png

Biography: N/A

---

Personality: N/A

 

[spoiler=Mia Stairs]

Deck: Reversed

Age: 18

Gender: Female

Appearance: b42c462.png

 

A lightly, tan-skinned girl. Her hair is a crisp brown color and blows wonderfully through the wind. She usually wears a blue tank-top shirt which ends a little bit above her waist. She usually wears a pair of blue jeans. Her favorite pair of jeans are slightly torn, nothing inappropriate. Her shoes are a light pinkish color, with purple outlining in certain places.

Biography: A very intelligent girl. Her smarts help her through many situations in life. During her time as a little kid, she would always be dueling with her friends. During her school years, she has become on of the more popular girls in her school. She is well known for her dueling skills and creativity.

---

Personality: N/A

 

[spoiler=Whisler Seer]

Deck: Dark Army

Age: 21

Gender: Male

Appearance: 9f26996.png

Biography: N/A

---

Personality: N/A

Note: Character was request by Wanderley. He wanted the use of the Dark Army in this Fan-Fiction

 

[spoiler=Lily Stark]

Deck: Testaments

Age: 16

Gender: Female

Appearance: 9943242.png

Biography: N/A

---

Personality: N/A

Note: This character was requested by Lopunny.

 

 

 

 

~~~

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1 | Fixed]

It was the middle of the night. Mia was walking around the streets of New Domino City. The last day had been a tiring one for her. She decided to enter a local duelling tournament, due to lack of an activity that day. Making it to the finals was almost not worth it for the tiring boredom. Mia was surprised that she was there the whole time, knowing that duel tournaments, were never here thing.

 

Then, she found herself reaching through her pocket. A few seconds after she began her search in her pocket, she heard a noise coming from the distance.

 

‘What is that’ she thought as she continued to search through her pocket, looking for her cell-phone. As she had found her cell-phone, she heard the noise again. This time it sound louder and closer. Mia was in shock. ‘What the hell was that?’ she thought again. As she flipped open her phone, she saw an oddly shaped shadow in the distance. As it came closer she started to feel her heartbeat moving at a faster and more off beat tempo. The figure was then visible.

 

“Hello Mia. Nice seeing you here,” said Michael as he appeared out of the darkness.

 

“Same with you Mike. Nice to have you around,” responded Mia, in shock, as her heart beat had gone quiet. She was a little confused to see Michael at this time of day.

 

“I know. You usually aren’t the one to be walking around the streets like this,” said Michael with amusement, hoping that she would react to it.

 

“Oh really. So you are going to be that now aren’t yaw,” Mia snapped back. She usually wasn’t like this to her friends. More of the respectful type.

 

“Well I think it is time to get going. Have to get ready for tomorrow,” said Michael as he winked at Mia.

 

“Why is that?” asked Mia in confusion.

 

“You will find out soon enough,” said Michael as he ran down the street. “See you tomorrow.”

 

+ The Next Morning +

 

Mia opened her eyes, trying to ignore the shining light that entered here room with a nasty glare. Scratching her eyes, she woke up to the thought about Michael’s statement the night before.

 

‘Well I think it is time to get going. Have to get ready for tomorrow.’

 

She was confused by what he had meant by this. She knew that it could be something important.

 

As she left her house to go find Michael, she thought for a second. ‘What if this could be dangerous?’ She was wondering about what would happen to Michael. She wasn’t sure.

 

As she approached the centre of town, she found a crowd of people and in all the crowd of people, there was a duel going on. The two duellists: Michael and Whisler! The duel had just recently started. Mia was interested to see what would happen in this duel. Then she realized. This was what Michael was talking about last night! She then waited quietly for the duel to start.

 

“Due to the coin toss, I will go first,” said Whisler. Get ready to duel!

 

To be continued...

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 2 | Fixed]

++++

DUEL:

Michael vs. Whisler

++++

 

Whisler’s Turn

 

“Ok. I will make the first move,” says Whisler as he draws his six cards from the deck.

 

“First, I activate “Destiny Draw”. I will discard my “Destiny Hero – Malicious” from my hand to draw 2 cards from my deck,” says Whisler as he draws two cards from his deck into his hand. He smirked with confidence as the two cards revealed to him.

 

“Now I summon “Dark Army – Deer Rider” in attack position (Beast/Tuner | DARK | Level 3 | ATK: 900 | DEF: 800) and I will accompany some my Spell and Trap Card Zone with 2 face downs,” said Whisler as “Dark Army – Deer Rider” appeared along with 2 face downs. He ended his turn.

 

++++

Whisler:

Life Points: 4000

Cards in Hand: 3

Monsters: “Dark Army – Deer Rider”.

Spell/Trap: 2 Set Cards

Cards in Deck: 32

Cards in Graveyard: 2

++++

 

Michael’s Turn

 

“You have made an interesting move there Whisler. I have always liked that about you,” said Michael as he tried to soften up Whisler.

 

“Why thank you. I am pleased to hear that. Now on with your move,” said Whisler. He was fully aware of what Michael was trying to pull off.

 

“Now to start my turn of, I will summon “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher” in attack position (Warrior/Effect | DARK | Level 4 | ATK: 1300 | DEF: 800). I will now fill my Spell and Trap Card Zone with 5 set cards,” said Michael as his field loaded up with 5 face down cards and “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher”.

 

“Now it is time for an attack. “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher” attack “Dark Army – Deer Rider” (Whisler’s Life Points: 4000 -> 3600),” said Michael with excitement. Whisler’s monster had been destroyed, like that of shattered glass.

 

“That is all I have to offer you this turn Whisler, I end my turn,” said Michael, giving Whisler a chance to make a move for the better.

 

++++

Michael:

Life Points: 4000

Cards in Hand: 0

Monsters: “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher”

Spell/Trap Cards: 5 Set Cards

Cards in Deck: 34

Cards in Graveyard: 0

++++

 

Whisler’s Turn:

 

“Alright, in addition to my regular draw, I will activate my face down card “Reckless Greed”,” said Whisler, pointing his hand in the direction of the lifting hologram.

 

“I do myself, activate a face down. I activate “Dark Bribe”, negating the effect of “Reckless Greed” but, allowing you to draw one card,” said Michael in response to Whisler’s card activation.

 

“Ok. I still have another option though. It is called “Allure of Darkness”. I will now draw two cards and remove from play “Destiny Hero – Malicious” from my hand,” said Whisler, he was sure that with this hand of cards, he was going to win. “I will now set one card monster face down and end my turn.”

 

++++

Whisler:

Life Points: 4000

Cards in Hand: 5

Monsters: 1 Set Monster

Spell/Trap Cards: 1 Set Card

Cards in Deck: 28

Cards in Graveyard: 4

++++

 

Michael’s Turn:

 

“I will draw. Now, due to “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher’s” effect, I can place 1 Clock Counter on him. (1 Clock Counter),” said Michael as “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher” began to glow.

 

“I will now set 1 face down and begin my attack. “Destiny Hero – Clock Watcher” attack his face down monster,” announced Michael, hoping the face down monster was of weaker strength then his face down monster. The monster was revealed. It was “Mystic Tomato”. It went just as fast as “Dark Army – Deer Rider” did.

 

“I will now Special Summon my “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude” thanks to the effect of the destroyed “Mystic Tomato”,” says Whisler announcing “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude” to the field.

 

“Okay. That concludes my turn,” said Michael, finishing his turn.

 

++++

Michael:

Life Points: 4000

Cards in Hand: 0

Monsters: “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher”

Spell/Trap Cards: 5 Set Cards

Cards in Deck: 33

Cards in Graveyard: 1

++++

 

Whisler’s Turn:

 

“Ok. I activate “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude’s” effect. I will now reveal the top card of my deck,” said Whisler as he revealed the top card of his Deck. It was “Dark Army – Death Rider”.

 

“Well that isn’t good. Guess I am going to have to place him on the bottom of my deck,” complained Whisler with an unenthusiastic voice.

 

“You aren’t very excited Mr. Whisler. It was only a little problem. Nothing much,” said Michael hoping to cheer Whisler up.

 

“I can turn it around. I will continue by special summoning a very powerful card my friend. I summon “Dark Armed Dragon” (Dragon/Effect | DARK | Level 7 | ATK: 2800 | DEF: 1000)!” said Whisler with a burst of excitement.

 

“That’s how you beat him Whisler!” a man from the crowd of people shouted out. Dark Armed Dragon had barely appeared before Michael started laughing.

 

“Sorry. I activate my face down card “Solemn Judgement” (Michael’s Life Points: 4000 -> 2000),” declared Michael, as Whisler stared with awe.

 

“Can I do anything right today,” said Whisler furious with the move, hoping to grab the attention of Michael.

 

“Ah don’t worry Whisler, today just isn’t your day,” said Michael with a contenting voice, one like Jaden Yuki.

 

“Now time to make a good move. I activate “Allure of Darkness”. Drawing 2 cards, now I will remove “Dark Army – Mysterious Duo” from play,” Whisler said hoping for something to put him over the top.

 

“Now it is time. I will begin to attack, “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude”, attack “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher!” says Whisler, ready to claim victory.

 

“Again, I will have to stop you. I activate Waboku,” said Michael, hoping to get a reaction from him.

 

“Alright, that is just too much. You have one crazy deck there,” said Whisler raging and complementing at the same time. Something he rarely does.

 

“Okay. To end my turn I will activate “Dark Army”. This card’s effect will be revealed later,” said Whisler, knowing that Michael could not possibly negate it. “That will end my turn.

 

++++

Whisler:

Life Points: 2600

Cards in Hand: 4

Monsters: “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude”

Spell/Trap Cards: 1 Set Card, “Dark Army”

Cards in Deck: 25

Cards in Graveyard: 6

++++

 

Michael’s Turn:

 

“Ok, I will draw. Now since it is my Standby Phase, I will place 1 Clock Counter on “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher” (2 Clock Counters),” said Michael. “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher” was glowing again, this time, brighter than before. “That will end my turn; I have nothing else to do.”

 

++++

Michael:

Life Points: 2000

Cards in Hand: 1

Monsters: “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher”

Spell/Trap Cards: 4 Set Cards

Cards in Deck: 32

Cards in Graveyard: 2

++++

 

Whisler’s Turn:

 

“I will now draw a card. Now I activate “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude’s” effect,” said Whisler, as for the second turn in a row, revealed the top card of his Deck. This time it was “Dark Army – Mad Eye”. “Ok. I will place him on the bottom of my Deck.”

 

“You seem to be happy right now Whisler. Why is that? You didn’t get anything out of it,” said Michael with surprise. He wondered why Whisler was so happy about that move.

 

“It doesn’t matter Michael. I have the exact same card in my hand, so I will summon “Dark Army – Mad Eye” in attack position (Fiend/Effect | Dark | Level 4 | ATK: 1600 | DEF: 1200),” said Whisler, happy with this move.

 

“I see. It didn’t bother you at all Whisler,” said Michael, with a bit of hesitation in his voice. ‘Could this be the end?’ he thought.

 

“Ok. “Dark Army – Mad Eye” proceed to attack “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher”. At this time I will present “Dark Army’s” effect. During my battle phase, all “Dark Army” monsters I control gain 400 ATK. That means “Dark Army – Mad Eye” gains 400 ATK (“Dark Army – Mad Eye’s” ATK: 1600 -> 2000), Whisler said. “Dark Army – Mad Eye” began to glow in the fashion that “Dark Hero – Clock Watcher did. “Ok. “Dark Army – Mad Eye”, attack! (Michael’s Life Points: 2000 -> 1300). Now I will follow up for the game. “Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude”, take him down! (Michael’s Life Points: 1300 -> 0)[/i]” announced Whisler as the duel finished. Whisler had won!

 

++++

Whisler:

Life Points: 2600

Cards in Hand: 4

Monsters: Dark Army – Mad Eye, Destiny Hero – Diamond Dude

Spell/Trap Cards: 1 Set Card, “Dark Army”

Cards in Deck: 24

Cards in Graveyard: 6

++++

 

-+-+-+-

 

++++

Michael:

Life Points: 0

Cards in Hand: 1

Monsters: ---

Spell/Trap Cards: 4 Set Cards

Cards in Deck: 32

Cards in Graveyard: 2

++++

 

Michael then walked over to Whisler. “That was a great duel Whisler. You put on a great show out there,” Michael said. He was excited to see Whisler’s skills come through for him.

 

Mia then walked over to the group. “Great job you guys! You were pretty fun to watch,” Mia said in ecstasy. She was excited to see Whisler’s

 

“It’s Just another duel. That is all I think about it,” Whisler said. He was happy to have another success.

 

[/align]

Link to comment
Share on other sites
SmallieBigs Newbie

SmallieBigs

Posted
Posted

Daily News is here!

[spoiler=Daily News]

It was the middle of the night. Mia was walking around the streets of New Domino City. The last day had been a tiring one for her. She had surprisingly entered a duel tournament, due to lack of an activity that day. Making it to the finals was almost not worth it for the tiring boredom. She was even surprised that she had stayed. She knew that she would never go to another one again. Forgive me but this seems a little bland. I also dislike the constant use of she find another word.

 

Then, she found herself reaching through her pocket but then, suddenly, she heard a noise from the distance. Conjunctions are used to make a sentence longer not start a new one. The rapid use of commas are a little annoying too.

 

‘What was that’ she thought as she continued to search through her pocket, looking for her cell-phone. As she had found her cell-phone, she heard the noise again. Mia was in shock. ‘What the hell was that?’ she thought again. As she flipped open her phone, she saw an oddly shaped shadow in the distance. As it came closer she started to feel her heartbeat moving at a faster and more off beat tempo. The figure was then visible.

Usually when people are thinking they put it in italics.

“Hello Mia. Interesting to see you at this time,” said Michael as he appeared out of the darkness.

Ummmm ok.

“I usually would be at home right now. Just thought I would walk around, see what would come up,” Mia responded in shock, as her heart beat had gone quiet. She was a little confused to see Michael at this time of day.

You wrote heart beat two different ways.

“I know. You usually aren’t the one to be walking around the streets like this,” Michael said in amusement, hoping that she would react to it.

I hate it when I've got nothing.

“Oh really? So you are going to be that now aren’t ya',” Mia snapped back. She usually wasn’t like this to her friends. More of the respectful type.

Haha o rly? Using question marks is pro. Yaw isn't a word neither is ya.

“Well I think it is time to get going. Have to get ready for tomorrow,” Michael said while he winked at Mia.

 

“Why is that?” Mia asked in confusion.

 

“You will find out soon enough,” Michael said as ran down the street. “See you tomorrow.”

A grammar error.

~ The Next Day ~

 

Mia opened her eyes, trying to ignore the shining light that entered her room with a nasty glare. As she woke up, she thought for a second about what Michael had said the night before.

A typo in there.

‘Well I think it is time to get going. Have to get ready for tomorrow.’

Okay

She was confused by what he had meant by this. She knew that it could be something important.

Mmmmm I don't know.

As she left her house to go find Michael, she thought for a second. ‘What if this could be dangerous?’ She was wondering about what would happen to Michael. She wasn’t sure.

Ummmm yeah I don't really know.

As she approached the centre of town, she found a crowd of people and in all the crowd of people, there was a duel going on. The two duellists: Michael and Whisler! Okay I always have to say this but anti-climatic.

 

I really have nothing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest Ixigo

Guest Ixigo

Posted
Posted

I'd say the narration is decent enough, though it could certainly use some spicing up. The main problem is the description - or rather, the complete lack thereof - as far as both characters and scenery are concerned. That is a common flaw among new writers; well, not just new - they skim through the words, trying to get to the interesting point. Give yourself time to assess your work. If necessary, go back and rewrite. Show us how the characters look like. Show us how the world around them looks like. Until you get to the point where the reader can picture the whole scene in his head with your words alone, you still have work to do. Without at least one comment of the sort "this was too long to read but seemed good 8/10" or any, generally horribly misspelled, variation thereof, you've got room for improvement.

 

The characters are completely one-dimensional at this point. We only see their specific reactions in perfect mathematical order to the events of the plot. They are like pieces of a clockwork, moving exactly as the plot dictates, without even a hint of individuality beyond that. They think, act, and talk exactly as they need for the story to roll onwards smoothly. The problem is, a smooth story is a bland story. You need to let your characters act for themselves. Try putting yourself in your characters' shoes. Think as they would think, then write that down. Don't restrict yourself to what you think the readers need to read in order to go on with the story. The dialogue falls under this category. It is bland and centered. It completely lacks emotion, being a simple exchange of information. You need to delve deeper into the characters, the relations between them, and their inner worlds, in order to get us interested in them and what happens to them. A story that can be summarized into "girl walks down dark street after winning tournament, is bored, meets a friend of hers who tells her to wait for tomorrow, waits for tomorrow, then walks out and sees that friend dueling with another unspecified individual" without missing any important point is a story that needs a lot more detail.

 

By comparison, the grammar, syntax, and structure issues are minor and can be overlooked. Though certainly rereading your work - which you should do either way to fix the aforementioned problems - will go a long way towards eliminating them, they are far lower in the list of importance than description, characterization, and dialogue. Daily News already pointed them out. And a minor note - the names need some fixing. Three names, and two of them starting with "Mi"? More variation. There's no excuse for such repetition when you've got only three named characters.

 

Concentrate on writing more. Take your time if you need to. Address each character as an individual. Do them justice, instead of skipping over them. That's your biggest problem right now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
.Leo Newbie

.Leo

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks a lot. That was the best tl;dr I have read.

 

I am not the best at ficition. Thanks for pointing out the main problem. I will try my best to work on making it more of a descriptive and interesting read.

 

To be honest, I think I kinda rushed this Chapter.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
SmallieBigs Newbie

SmallieBigs

Posted
Posted

I'd say the narration is decent enough' date=' though it could certainly use some spicing up. The main problem is the description - or rather, the complete lack thereof - as far as both characters and scenery are concerned. That is a common flaw among new writers; well, not just new - they skim through the words, trying to get to the interesting point. Give yourself time to assess your work. If necessary, go back and rewrite. Show us how the characters look like. Show us how the world around them looks like. Until you get to the point where the reader can picture the whole scene in his head with your words alone, you still have work to do. Without at least one comment of the sort "this was too long to read but seemed good 8/10" or any, generally horribly misspelled, variation thereof, you've got room for improvement.

 

The characters are completely one-dimensional at this point. We only see their specific reactions in perfect mathematical order to the events of the plot. They are like pieces of a clockwork, moving exactly as the plot dictates, without even a hint of individuality beyond that. They think, act, and talk exactly as they need for the story to roll onwards smoothly. The problem is, a smooth story is a bland story. You need to let your characters act for themselves. Try putting yourself in your characters' shoes. Think as they would think, then write that down. Don't restrict yourself to what you think the readers need to read in order to go on with the story. The dialogue falls under this category. It is bland and centered. It completely lacks emotion, being a simple exchange of information. You need to delve deeper into the characters, the relations between them, and their inner worlds, in order to get us interested in them and what happens to them. A story that can be summarized into "girl walks down dark street after winning tournament, is bored, meets a friend of hers who tells her to wait for tomorrow, waits for tomorrow, then walks out and sees that friend dueling with another unspecified individual" without missing any important point is a story that needs a lot more detail.

 

By comparison, the grammar, syntax, and structure issues are minor and can be overlooked. Though certainly rereading your work - which you should do either way to fix the aforementioned problems - will go a long way towards eliminating them, they are far lower in the list of importance than description, characterization, and dialogue. Daily News already pointed them out. And a minor note - the names need some fixing. Three names, and two of them starting with "Mi"? More variation. There's no excuse for such repetition when you've got only three named characters.

 

Concentrate on writing more. Take your time if you need to. Address each character as an individual. Do them justice, instead of skipping over them. That's your biggest problem right now.

[/quote']

Meh a Weather Report or something similar instead of an overview but yeah that was needed. Can't wait for Chapter 2

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...