DL Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 This is a Hayate the Combat Butler fanfic. Nuff said. Now read and enjoy. [spoiler=Chapter 1]Hinagiku’s Pink is a Rose-colored Heaven A teenage boy with light blue hair was hiding behind a tree with a wicked grin on his face. I promised… the day Santa didn’t give me any presents, I’d… become a bad boy... He was staring at a young girl with blond hair tied into twin ponytails. Not a degenerate… The girl was frowning at the soda machine in front of her. Alright, I’ll kidnap her and ask for 156 million yen as a ransom… then I can pay off my parents’ debt… The boy was about to jump out and grab the girl when another girl, about as old as him, walked over to the young girl. The girl shook her head, making her brown hair shake in the Christmas wind. “Nagi… you had me worried, why did you run off like that?” Nagi puffed up her cheeks. “I was tired of that tobacco-infested place. Hey, Maria, can you tell me how to work one of these things? It’s being stubborn and not giving me a drink.” Maria smiled. “Oh, you mean that soda machine? Well, you have to put in some coins for it to work.” Nagi glared at Maria. “Maria… what in the name of Gun*** are coins?” Maria chuckled. “Oh, never mind. Let’s just go home, it’s getting cold. I’ll make you some tea when we get back.” Maria took off her scarf and wrapped it around Nagi, then began to walk back. Nagi nodded and followed. The boy fell to his knees in defeat. My master plan is ruined before even beginning… “Hey, what are you doing behind a tree?” The boy winced. Is it the police? Have they found out I’m a kidnapper? The boy turned around and saw a girl with long pink hair looking at him. The boy scratched his head. “Uh, this isn’t what it looks like! I wasn’t trying to kidnap anyone?” The girl nodded. “I see, so you were planning to kidnap Nagi in order to ask for a ransom to pay off a huge debt to yakuza or something.” She’s right on the money… The boy chuckled uncomfortably “Well, you see… that was…” The girl smiled. “I’m Hinagiku Katsura. What’s your name?” The boy blinked. “Oh, my name’s Hayate Ayasaki.” The boy fell to his knees again. It’s hopeless now. She knows my name. I’ll be in jail before I can say Kame******… The girl nodded. “So… Hayate-kun is fine, right? I’m guessing you were trying to kidnap her because she seemed defenseless and rich. Again, she’s right on the money… Hayate chuckled nervously. “See, that’s the thing, you’re completely r-“ Hinagiku’s eyes widened and she pointed up at the tree Hayate was hiding behind. There was a crow approaching a small bird. Hinagiku picked up a rock. “We have to stop that crow!” Hayate grabbed her arm. “You can’t, you might hit the bird.” Hinagiku nodded and let the rock fall. Hayate let go of her arm. Hinagiku jumped onto the tree branch, scaring away the crow. Hinagiku smiled and petted the small bird. “There, now you’re safe.” Hayate chuckled. “That was somewhat… unnecessary, don’t you think?” Hinagiku glared at Hayate. “Hey… I have a favor to ask. Um, that is… I’m going to jump so… catch me.” Hayate stepped back. “What?” Hinagiku jumped off of the tree with a yelp. Hayate barely caught her. He nearly fell, but managed to regain his balance. Hayate sighed. “Don’t do something that dangerous, Hinagiku-san…” Hinagiku blushed. “Um… you can let me down now…” Hayate blushed too. “Oh, I’m sorry!” Hayate put Hinagiku down and scratched his head. “Well, it was nice meeting you, Hinagiku-san, so I’ll be going now. I have to find a job.” Hinagiku held up her hand. “Wait, since you have a huge debt, and you probably have no home, as the yakuza likely took that away from you, how about you come live in my house for a while? It’s my way to thank you for catching me.” Hayate’s eyes widened. This is just like… Haya** ** ****** [spoiler=Chapter 2]Chapter 2 - There’s a Reason People Don’t Normally Keep Swords in their Home Hayate rolled over, and opened his eyes. He sat up and rubbed his eye. He began to looking around sleepily. After a few seconds, he stepped off what he saw was a bed and looked around the room more clearly. “Where am I?” he muttered. The door opened slowly and Hinagiku peeked into the room. “So, Hayate-kun, you’re awake already?” she asked. Hayate was startled and fell back into a sitting position on the bed. “H-Hinagiku-san? Wait, I remember now. I slept over your house yesterday, right?” “That’s right, Hayate-kun, good morning,” Hinagiku said. “Oh, good morning. Uh, Hinagiku-san, do you…” Before Hayate could finish, his stomach growled. He chuckled nervously. “Do you have anything I could eat?” he asked. Hinagiku entered the room smiling. She was wearing a pink dress with a short red jacket with long sleeves. “Actually, we do,” she said. “I left some toast for you in the kitchen. I’ll show you around later, but for now, I have to get to school.” “Wait, you go to school?” Hayate asked. “You’re joking, right?” “Oh, no, it’s not that. I just forgot that with the yakuza after me, I’ll have to quit school, most likely,” said Hayate, a sad smile on his face. “Oh, I guess that’s true. Well, anyway, I have to get to school, so, make yourself at home, just don’t try and steal anything.” Hinagiku said, leaning closer to Hayate. “I would never try something like that, Hinagiku-san!” Hayate exclaimed, alarmed. Hinagiku chuckled and turned around. She walked out of the room. Before she closed the door, she turned back to Hayate and smiled. “Don’t worry, Hayate-kun, I’m sure you’ll get to go to school someday. Maybe sooner than you think.” Hinagiku closed the door to Hayate’s room. Hayate heard her footsteps until he heard a door close, and the house turned silent. Hayate stood there for a few seconds before walking out of the room. As soon as Hayate walked out, he bumped into someone, and he felt something wet soak his shirt. He looked down to see he had bumped into a young woman, who had fallen to the floor on her rear, and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. “I-I’m sorry!” Hayate said, extending his hand to help the woman up. She staggered to her feet, and looked at Hayate. She squinted and brushed her pale green hair out of her face. “Wha are ya doin’ here, thief?” she struggled to say. Hayate looked down at his shirt and sniffed. It smelled like alcohol. The woman was holding a glass. “Excuse me, are you drunk?” Hayate asked. “Wuz it to ya if I am, huh? Yur jus here te steal somethin’, right?” “No, I’m not a thief, I, uh… I know Hinagiku-san!” “So yur tellin’ me tha’ not only are ya a thief, but yur a perverted stalker, too?” she asked. “T-that’s not what I meant!” Hayate exclaimed nervously. “My name’s Hayate Ayasaki, and… Hinagiku-san let me stay here for a while!” “And yur a liar, to top it off. Fine, if ya won’t leave, I’ll chase you out…” the woman said. She walked over to the sofa and picked up the wooden sword that was leaning against it. “I’m shure Hina won’t mind if I use her sword ta chase off some weird guy.” The woman dashed forward and swung at Hayate. He gasped and jumped back, avoiding the slash. The woman lifted up the sword and swung down. Hayate sidestepped, and the slash cut the table in half. “D-Did you just cut that table in half with a wooden sword?” The woman dashed forward again, but before she could swing, she fell forward, startling Hayate. He hurried to her and flipped her on her back. “Are you okay?” he asked. “Gimme beer…” “Yeah, you’re fine.” Hayate said, turning away. He stood up and was about to examine the table when the woman sat up. “You said yur name’s Hayate, right? Well, if ya know Hina, then, I need ya to do somethin’ for her. See, she f’got her wood’n sword, and today’s kendo practice. I’m too drunk, so can you give it to her?” “Yes, of course I can. I don’t know where her school is, though, or where she even studies.” “Well, you have a poor-lookin’ face, so I wouldn’t be surprised if ya nev’r heard of Hakuou Academy.” “Poor-looking face? Uh, anyway, I think I know where it’s at, but, with this sort of house, I never expected her to be able to go to Hakuou. I heard only rich people get to go there.” Hayate turned to face the woman, but she had fallen asleep and begun drooling on the floor. Hayate grabbed the wooden sword and rushed out the door. “This is the least I can do for Hinagiku-san for letting me stay in her house.” he muttered. [spoiler=Chapter 3]Chapter 3 - the Thing about Rich Places is that Only Rich People and Thieves Go There Hayate walked down the street, looking up at the sky and carrying Hinagiku’s wooden sword with one hand. The buildings around him seemed to block out all worldly distractions. “Great, I’m lost.” Hayate said glumly. He was about to look for someone who could give him directions, when a girl ran into him and stumbled back. “Oh, I’m sorry. Are you okay?” he asked. The girl looked up. She had long dark blue hair, and wore a pink kimono. “I was told not to talk to strangers, so please don’t talk to me. Wait, I just talked to you. I wonder if I should be talking to you. Do you think I should be?” “Well, I don’t know…but, what are you running from?” Hayate asked. The girl pointed behind her. Two large dogs were running toward them, growling and barking. “W-what is this? This is… no matter how you look at it, this is no good.” Hayate said. He sighed and wrapped his free arm around the girl. He jumped onto a car with her, and from the car onto a truck. He jumped onto a rooftop from the truck and placed the girl down on the rooftop floor. “Be more careful next time, okay?” Hayate said, smiling. “Oh, by any chance, would you know where Hakuou Academy is?” The girl nodded. “Yes, it’s just three blocks north of here.” “Um, three blocks north of here is a chasm.” Hayate said nervously. “I’m sorry, my mistake, I was a bit off. It’s ten blocks west of here.” “A bit off?” Hayate asked. “Anyway, thank you for the directions. I have to get going now.” Hayate jumped off the rooftop and landed on the truck. He then jumped straight onto the street and began dashing west. After running for a few blocks, Hayate noticed a large grey building. “Ah, that must be Hakuou Academy…” he muttered. He reached the gates, which were open, and walked inside. He noticed there were hardly any plants surrounding the grey building. There weren’t any people around, except for Hayate, who, after making sure there was no one around, entered the building. “I wonder where everybody is. If this is a school, shouldn’t there be at least some people around?” he asked himself. Inside the building stood a dozen or so tall men, all wearing black suits. A few of them had scars on their faces. As Hayate entered, they turned toward him as if a single unit. “Hey, that face looks familiar doesn’t it?” said one of the men. “Isn’t that that kid who escaped? You know, the one whose parents owe us some money?” another remarked. “Yeah, that’s him. We still need to get his organs, don’t let him escape!” Hayate took a step back. “W-what is this? Is this a yakuza hangout or something?” The blue-haired girl looked at the gigantic building in front of her. “Oh dear, I gave that stranger the wrong directions, it seems. I hope he managed to find this place regardless of that.” she muttered to herself. Hinagiku sat in a chair, looking over her desk. She was in a large room, with an elevator door on the far left, and a large window that opened up to a balcony overlooking the entire campus of Hakuou Academy from the tall clock tower. The phone began to ring. Hinagiku brushed her pink hair out of her face and picked it up, holding it to her ear. “Yes, who is it?” she asked. “Hey, Hina, iz me. Look, I sent that thief friend of yurs with yer sword about half an hour ago. Did he give it to ya yet?” “Onee-san, is that you? Uh, no, Hayate-kun hasn’t come by here, if that’s who you mean.” ”So he stole yer sword, eh? I knew I shoulda jus…” “Onee-san? Are you there?” Hinagiku asked. A few seconds passed, and snoring was heard over the phone. Hinagiku put the phone down. “Onee-san must have been drunk again,” she said, a slight frown on her face. “Wait, my house isn’t that far from the school, it shouldn’t have taken Hayate-kun that long to get here.” Hinagiku turned around, and saw a girl with long blue hair in a pink kimono standing near the doorway. “Sorry, but only student council members are allowed up here. Is there anything I can help you with?” Hinagiku asked. “I helped this person with cheap clothes and a poor-looking face. He asked me were Hakuou Academy was, but I gave him the wrong directions. I was wondering if you’ve seen him come by here.” the girl said. “Wait, cheap clothes and a poor-looking face, and looking for Hakuou Academy? Do you mean Hayate-kun? No, he hasn’t come by here. If I may ask, what directions did you give him?” Hinagiku asked. “I told him to go west, about ten blocks from where I met him, which was seven blocks east of the front gate of Hakuou Academy…I think.” “Wait, then that would mean…Hayate-kun is in that old yakuza hideout?” “Yes, I believe so.” “Oh no, this is bad! The yakuza are looking for him, I have to help him.” With that, Hinagiku rushed toward the elevator, clicked a button, and hopped inside the elevator as soon as it opened. The girl in the kimono looked around for a few seconds, and then followed her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 ............. You're basically copying the manga but you substitute Hinagiku for Nagi and you're going to have your HayatexHinagiku dreams come true... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted January 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 or am I? Plus, it's completely different from here, I just had to have what happened in the manga not happen in the fanfic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted January 16, 2010 Report Share Posted January 16, 2010 Hmm, I don't like the lack of description (Not EVERYBODY who isn't named Weather Report has already read the awesome manga before, or know what they look like), and the fact that ALMOST EVERY sentence starts with one of their names. It irks me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted January 17, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2010 It's my style. I like putting 1 action, then dialogue. I actually thought I was doing quite a good job at describing them... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted January 17, 2010 Report Share Posted January 17, 2010 But you didn't describe the clothing or anything! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted January 17, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2010 That's absolutely true. I usually think about hair first. Anyway, I'm gonna add more descriptions in ch 2. Well, in my defense, the clothes weren't that important, but... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted January 17, 2010 Report Share Posted January 17, 2010 Yeah, though that was just meant to be an example. As you may have realized, when describing people, it's important to speak of more than just their hair color or style and height. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted January 17, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2010 yeah, and also to do it without boring the reader. Character descriptions can be difficult... o.o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted March 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 25, 2010 After a LONG time, ch 2 added. I think it's many times better (and more original) then the first one. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted March 27, 2010 Report Share Posted March 27, 2010 Hmm, your writing is overly and ultimately average. Your descriptions felt really flat, and some of it was quite awkward. (ie. She was wearing a pink dress with a short red jacket with long sleeves.) You used with twice without describing clothing really expertly. Plus, I thought they had school uniforms? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the uniform is a pink dress. And furthermore, it was Christmas one day ago in the story. Isn't there supposed to be some time off? I have no idea what kind of school schedule Japanese people have, but if I do remember correctly, they spoke about going to school absolutely zero times for several in-story days in the original source material, making me feel confused. If I'm horribly, embarrassingly wrong, then don't say anything about it, and I'll get the message... But on the good side, Hinagiku's sister made for a funny drunk. That was entertaining. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted March 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2010 Yeah, this isn't my best work. I did put effort, but not as much as I would for an original piece. Also, I'm glad you caught that skip thing. I miself didn't notice. As for the description... yeah, I'm not the ebst with those... as for the uniform... it's this: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted March 28, 2010 Report Share Posted March 28, 2010 Okay, so I DID fail! I suck now! YEAH! Although I did kinda expect a big backlash from the entire forums population... somehow... Either way, thanks for listening to the criticisms, but like I said, you had nice humor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted March 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2010 Meh, I failed too, making school the day after christmas. Although... I remember nagi going to school in episode 3... Which was 2 episodes after christmas... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted March 29, 2010 Report Share Posted March 29, 2010 AHH!! I READ THE MANGA VERSION!! OH NOOOOOO!! There, it took several days or a few weeks before they included school!! DARN ANIME CHANGING EVENTS IN SHOWS IN ORDER TO SELL MORE MERCHANDISE QUICKLY!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted March 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 I guess they wanted to include hinagiku really badly. In the manga, she appears in chapter 30 or so. What did you think of the manga? XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted March 31, 2010 Report Share Posted March 31, 2010 Eh, if I'm gonna talk to you about that, I'm moving to pms, since that doesn't QUITE have much to do with the story... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 Heh, you were right, it didn't have that much to do witht he story XD Oh, and good news, I'm finally getting a new flashdrive, so the new chapter will be up tommorow, most likely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 3, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2010 Oh, new chapter added! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted April 3, 2010 Report Share Posted April 3, 2010 Hmm, you needed more description here and there, and the ending felt kinda rushed. Plus it was short-feeling. That's all I can think to say... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 actually,t he very last line, I added there right before I posted it. XP But other than that, I don't see it much rushed. Although I wonder about the good points, if there were any XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Make Posted April 6, 2010 Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 Hahaha...... poor Hayate, getting directions from Ms. Get's Lost on a Train.... Anyways, I still say it's a slight rip off of the actual Hayate, but it's still a good fanfic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 It's as original as a fanfic that uses non-original characters can get XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dranzer Posted April 6, 2010 Report Share Posted April 6, 2010 Why did I know this was you XD Nice fanfic DL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted April 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2010 That obvious? >.> <.<lol Thanks for reading. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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