my 1st fan fic. LOCK PLEASE

[Jord200]

for my 1st fan fic I thought I would make a crossover between Yugioh, Pokemon, and Rosario Vampire. in it, there is what I call a Pokemon Style Duel. ( I couldn't think of a better name. ) in it pokemon battles and duels are combined. there is a new kind a card known as trainer cards. which are kinda like spell and trap cards for pokemon. I also invented aa pokemon style fusion. for example, Roserade + Black Rose Dragon = Black Roserade Dragon. the story has several main charecters. the 1st 1 is yours truley Jord200. 2nd is Moka, my girlfriend. 3rd. Mizore, friend of me and moka. 4th is Kurumu again a friend. and 5th is Kokoa. Moka's half sister. ( see Rosario Vampire Capu epsisode 1. I'm still working on villians. so ladies and gentlemen.....enjoy.

 

PROLOUGE

in a land where it is constantly snowing, 5 young children train to be legends...........LUKE- *sigh* time to close shop for the day. ( Luke, age 15. ametur mechanic, swordsman, duelist, pokemon trainer. ) MOKA- Luke! the girls are coming over later tonight to train for the world Pokemon Style Duel champion chip. they want to try and beat the your goose and my bat. ( Moka, age 15. vampire, Luke's assistant, pokemon trainer, duelist. ) LUKE- this will be fun. just 2 more days until the village festival. it only happens once every 100 years. MOKA- lets go get our pokeballs and decks. LUKE- I hear that.

however every story has a villian. or in this case, villians.....

The Reverse World...............???- all rise! the boss aproachs! ???- welcome Knightmares. ???- 2 days until the chosen ones are revealed. ???- I bet the chosen 5 are your former friends. ???- actually I would agree. ???- anyways you all know what to do? ???- yes. he are ready. ???- very well. Crumpete. you will test this theroy. CRUMPETE- yes boss! ???- and once the chosens arre found. they will die. and when that happens the door opens................................between the universe life exists in and the world of dreams there are doors. some doors you want open. others are not. when doors that are suposed to stay closed are opened.......................nightmares..............become a reality.

[Aero~]

to short for a prologue.

 

use ". Don't wright like LUKE- I'ma talkin!

 

Sorry, but vampires are getting old.

OK with corrections :D

[Twig]

News Flash!

 

PROLOUGE

in(capitalize plox) a land where it is constantly snowing' date=' 5(Spelling numbers out is pro) young children train to be legends...........(Okay you can stop with the periods now. You only need one.)LUKE- *sigh* time to close shop for the day.(Is a guy named Luke talking? You're writing dialouge wrong!) ( Luke, age 15. ametur mechanic, swordsman, duelist, pokemon trainer. )(Using parenthesis to describe characters isn't pro.) MOKA- Luke! the girls are coming over later tonight to train for the world Pokemon Style Duel champion chip.(LOL. Champion Chip?) they want to try and beat the your goose and my bat.(Capitalize first letter of sentence plox) ( Moka, age 15. vampire, Luke's assistant, pokemon trainer, duelist. ) LUKE- this will be fun. just 2 more days until the village festival. it only happens once every 100 years. MOKA- lets go get our pokeballs and decks. LUKE- I hear that.

however every story has a villian. or in this case, villians.....(For an ellipses, only use three periods.)The Reverse World...............???- all rise! the boss aproachs! ???- welcome Knightmares. ???- 2 days until the chosen ones are revealed. ???- I bet the chosen 5 are your former friends. ???- actually I would agree. ???- anyways you all know what to do? ???- yes. he are ready. ???- very well. Crumpete. you will test this theroy. CRUMPETE- yes boss! ???- and once the chosens arre found. they will die. and when that happens the door opens................................between the universe life exists in and the world of dreams there are doors. some doors you want open. others are not. when doors that are suposed to stay closed are opened.......................nightmares..............become a reality.

 

(Stop with the periods, capitalize the first letters of your sentence, and change your dialogue format. It almost looks like script format. Oh wait, it is script format. Change it or it will be locked.)

[Des ＨＥＲＯ]

Im comfused whats with the ??? thing it's weird they only have that many question marks for an name and only one ? for an question.Yugioh and pokemon are seperate things so it's going to be hard and I mean hard work putting a fan fic joined.Sorry to say this the other things will be a sucess.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Well, Octoberon, looks like it's my turn. Also note that I'm listening to "Komm Susser Todd" from The End of Evangelion as I type this and will take special consideration for the guy on his first fic ever.

for my 1st fan fic I thought I would make a crossover between Yugioh' date=' Pokemon, and Rosario Vampire. in it, there is what I call a Pokemon Style Duel. ( I couldn't think of a better name. ) in it pokemon battles and duels are combined. there is a new kind a card known as trainer cards. which are kinda like spell and trap cards for pokemon. I also invented aa pokemon style fusion. for example, Roserade + Black Rose Dragon = Black Roserade Dragon. the story has several main charecters. the 1st 1 is yours truley Jord200. 2nd is Moka, my girlfriend. 3rd. Mizore, friend of me and moka. 4th is Kurumu again a friend. and 5th is Kokoa. Moka's half sister. ( see Rosario Vampire Capu epsisode 1. I'm still working on villians. so ladies and gentlemen.....enjoy.

Okay, so I already saw your avatar, which meant that you like Harem Ecchi anime. It's okay for a guy, but I KNOW it's not gonna work in a story with pokemon and yugioh in it. They just don't go together! Also, nobody likes author self-inserts, and I don't really see how you could put Rosario+Vampire into this story in a way that actually WORKS. Basically, from what I could think of, nobody will want to read this until you take out at least one crossover item and are able to use the Rosario stuff in an actually sexy way. But judging by your grammar, that's a farfetch'd idea as of now. Get it? Pokemon humor.

PROLOUGE

in a land where it is constantly snowing, 5 young children train to be legends...........LUKE- *sigh* time to close shop for the day. ( Luke, age 15. ametur mechanic, swordsman, duelist, pokemon trainer. ) MOKA- Luke! the girls are coming over later tonight to train for the world Pokemon Style Duel champion chip. they want to try and beat the your goose and my bat. ( Moka, age 15. vampire, Luke's assistant, pokemon trainer, duelist. ) LUKE- this will be fun. just 2 more days until the village festival. it only happens once every 100 years. MOKA- lets go get our pokeballs and decks. LUKE- I hear that.

 

Okay, so from what I can tell, you're using a VERY generic base idea, and can't set up grammar correctly. Not ONCE did you use quotation marks! NOT ONCE! That's a VERY basic mistake! How can you do something like that? Has anybody ever read your work before you posted it? And then, did you show it to a well-known writing authority? And also, you are a GARY STU: A GUY, USUALLY A SELF-INSERT, WHO CAN DO EVERYTHING AWESOMELY AND IS NEVER ALLOWED TO FAIL. Also, story-wise, we don't really get a good sense of where they are right now, nor do you really describe the people. Most guys are too lazy to check stuff like that, so you say what your guys look like, even IF you provide a picture! And still, the Pokemon Style Duel Championship sounds pretty dumb. If I were you, I'd still call it Duel Monsters... or Duel Pokemon. Or some variation of it. Also, I don't see how it works. They need pokeballs... and trading cards... because the pokeballs... hold cards? Have pokemon that fuse to the cards? I don't get it. And also, the "every 100 years" thing. It's too situational! You can never go twice! Worst of all, it's a Halloween cliche! In anything with monsters in it, people just LOVE putting in weird numbers of years for events. Nobody likes those, either. Make it more normal, please! Also, alas, no fanservice yet. That's the worst part. Well, okay, that's obviously a joke, but that's what I automatically think when hearing that manga name, I just can't visualize card games OR real hardcore action with it! When you try again for your second fic, try to keep the refernces down to two and get more creative.

 

however every story has a villian. or in this case, villians.....

The Reverse World...............???- all rise! the boss aproachs! ???- welcome Knightmares. ???- 2 days until the chosen ones are revealed. ???- I bet the chosen 5 are your former friends. ???- actually I would agree. ???- anyways you all know what to do? ???- yes. he are ready. ???- very well. Crumpete. you will test this theroy. CRUMPETE- yes boss! ???- and once the chosens arre found. they will die. and when that happens the door opens................................between the universe life exists in and the world of dreams there are doors. some doors you want open. others are not. when doors that are suposed to stay closed are opened.......................nightmares..............become a reality.

 

Well, you already know what I think of your grammar, so I'll skip over that for now. Oh, and spelling, too. And the dots n' elipses. Anyways, KNGHTMARES?! Holy shizznit, we're in Code Geasse! You lied to me! And I likely spelled the name wrong! And also, the triple-question mark people are irritating. It's bad enough that you use script format, which is banned on this site, but even WITH script, you couldn't even provide colorfulo descriptions! Like maybe...

"Red-Haired Teen: Blahblahblahblahblah.

Woman with Purple Eyes and Tattoo: Blahblahbleeblahblah.

Guy With Sharp Teeth: Blahblah?"

And through all the genericness, I couldn't even decipher anything original about this thing! It's all been done before! From what I understood...

There are five young kids, four of which are "sexy" monster people, and they were raised in a snowy place to destroy evil! Meanwhile, in evil-lair-place, the EVIL MYSTERY PEOPLE, the KNIGHTMARES, need these EXACT people to unseal traditional enemy so strong in past that couldn't be destroyed but were locked away instead but get killed by main character Luke in the end of the story THE END! See, I think I predicted your ending.

 

 

Well, of course it was your first story, and like EVERYBODY'S, it failed miserably. Unless somebody here was a literary genius, or wrote their first fic when they were old enough to know how to write a good story. See, mine was made when I first thought that other people's ONE-SHOTS were SUPPOSED to be taken up by random people and completed by THEM! Hilarity ensues with an obvious, crappy ending for six-year-old me. So buck up, learn up, and think longer and harder about your next story. Also it's good to have some guy you know knows how to write cool stuff and get them to proofread your tales of horror or amazement.

 

Weather Report, out.

[Jord200]

Well' date=' Octoberon, looks like it's my turn. Also note that I'm listening to "Komm Susser Todd" from The End of Evangelion as I type this and will take special consideration for the guy on his first fic ever.

for my 1st fan fic I thought I would make a crossover between Yugioh, Pokemon, and Rosario Vampire. in it, there is what I call a Pokemon Style Duel. ( I couldn't think of a better name. ) in it pokemon battles and duels are combined. there is a new kind a card known as trainer cards. which are kinda like spell and trap cards for pokemon. I also invented aa pokemon style fusion. for example, Roserade + Black Rose Dragon = Black Roserade Dragon. the story has several main charecters. the 1st 1 is yours truley Jord200. 2nd is Moka, my girlfriend. 3rd. Mizore, friend of me and moka. 4th is Kurumu again a friend. and 5th is Kokoa. Moka's half sister. ( see Rosario Vampire Capu epsisode 1. I'm still working on villians. so ladies and gentlemen.....enjoy.

Okay, so I already saw your avatar, which meant that you like Harem Ecchi anime. It's okay for a guy, but I KNOW it's not gonna work in a story with pokemon and yugioh in it. They just don't go together! Also, nobody likes author self-inserts, and I don't really see how you could put Rosario+Vampire into this story in a way that actually WORKS. Basically, from what I could think of, nobody will want to read this until you take out at least one crossover item and are able to use the Rosario stuff in an actually sexy way. But judging by your grammar, that's a farfetch'd idea as of now. Get it? Pokemon humor.

PROLOUGE

in a land where it is constantly snowing, 5 young children train to be legends...........LUKE- *sigh* time to close shop for the day. ( Luke, age 15. ametur mechanic, swordsman, duelist, pokemon trainer. ) MOKA- Luke! the girls are coming over later tonight to train for the world Pokemon Style Duel champion chip. they want to try and beat the your goose and my bat. ( Moka, age 15. vampire, Luke's assistant, pokemon trainer, duelist. ) LUKE- this will be fun. just 2 more days until the village festival. it only happens once every 100 years. MOKA- lets go get our pokeballs and decks. LUKE- I hear that.

 

Okay, so from what I can tell, you're using a VERY generic base idea, and can't set up grammar correctly. Not ONCE did you use quotation marks! NOT ONCE! That's a VERY basic mistake! How can you do something like that? Has anybody ever read your work before you posted it? And then, did you show it to a well-known writing authority? And also, you are a GARY STU: A GUY, USUALLY A SELF-INSERT, WHO CAN DO EVERYTHING AWESOMELY AND IS NEVER ALLOWED TO FAIL. Also, story-wise, we don't really get a good sense of where they are right now, nor do you really describe the people. Most guys are too lazy to check stuff like that, so you say what your guys look like, even IF you provide a picture! And still, the Pokemon Style Duel Championship sounds pretty dumb. If I were you, I'd still call it Duel Monsters... or Duel Pokemon. Or some variation of it. Also, I don't see how it works. They need pokeballs... and trading cards... because the pokeballs... hold cards? Have pokemon that fuse to the cards? I don't get it. And also, the "every 100 years" thing. It's too situational! You can never go twice! Worst of all, it's a Halloween cliche! In anything with monsters in it, people just LOVE putting in weird numbers of years for events. Nobody likes those, either. Make it more normal, please! Also, alas, no fanservice yet. That's the worst part. Well, okay, that's obviously a joke, but that's what I automatically think when hearing that manga name, I just can't visualize card games OR real hardcore action with it! When you try again for your second fic, try to keep the refernces down to two and get more creative.

 

however every story has a villian. or in this case, villians.....

The Reverse World...............???- all rise! the boss aproachs! ???- welcome Knightmares. ???- 2 days until the chosen ones are revealed. ???- I bet the chosen 5 are your former friends. ???- actually I would agree. ???- anyways you all know what to do? ???- yes. he are ready. ???- very well. Crumpete. you will test this theroy. CRUMPETE- yes boss! ???- and once the chosens arre found. they will die. and when that happens the door opens................................between the universe life exists in and the world of dreams there are doors. some doors you want open. others are not. when doors that are suposed to stay closed are opened.......................nightmares..............become a reality.

 

Well, you already know what I think of your grammar, so I'll skip over that for now. Oh, and spelling, too. And the dots n' elipses. Anyways, KNGHTMARES?! Holy shizznit, we're in Code Geasse! You lied to me! And I likely spelled the name wrong! And also, the triple-question mark people are irritating. It's bad enough that you use script format, which is banned on this site, but even WITH script, you couldn't even provide colorfulo descriptions! Like maybe...

"Red-Haired Teen: Blahblahblahblahblah.

Woman with Purple Eyes and Tattoo: Blahblahbleeblahblah.

Guy With Sharp Teeth: Blahblah?"

And through all the genericness, I couldn't even decipher anything original about this thing! It's all been done before! From what I understood...

There are five young kids, four of which are "sexy" monster people, and they were raised in a snowy place to destroy evil! Meanwhile, in evil-lair-place, the EVIL MYSTERY PEOPLE, the KNIGHTMARES, need these EXACT people to unseal traditional enemy so strong in past that couldn't be destroyed but were locked away instead but get killed by main character Luke in the end of the story THE END! See, I think I predicted your ending.

 

 

Well, of course it was your first story, and like EVERYBODY'S, it failed miserably. Unless somebody here was a literary genius, or wrote their first fic when they were old enough to know how to write a good story. See, mine was made when I first thought that other people's ONE-SHOTS were SUPPOSED to be taken up by random people and completed by THEM! Hilarity ensues with an obvious, crappy ending for six-year-old me. So buck up, learn up, and think longer and harder about your next story. Also it's good to have some guy you know knows how to write cool stuff and get them to proofread your tales of horror or amazement.

 

Weather Report, out.

 

code geass? you mean somebuddy beat me to the pun for "knightmares"? and you would be suprised with how plan could work. and the only things in this that even relate to Rosario Vampire are Moka, Kurumu, and Mizore. I knew I should have done the YCM fan fic. as for the ..... thats kinda a writers quote or quirk of mine. ya know what I'm just gonna find Icy, Opal, or Flame.