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Home Slice

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Home Slice Newbie

Home Slice

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[spoiler=intro] "Felix.Felix wake up you will miss the boat." After hearing that Felix woke up,and got dressed. He packed his bag and ran down the stairs raced passed his mom heading for the door. Before Felix can open the door mom said "Wait your in such a rush you almost for got this." Felix's mom handed over his deck. "Thanks Mom but I need to go now. I'll miss the boat,wish me luck." Felix responded and ran out the door. Felix sprinted across the street. He was at the dock the boat already set sailed. Felix ran and jumped on the rope hanging on the boat,then climbed up on it. " Yes,!I'm going to Duel Acadamy!" Felix shouted

 

[spoiler=app]App

Name-

Age-10-20

gender-

pic/discribtion-

attitude-

hobbies-

side-light or dark

deck-

ace card-

only exepting 2 light and 8 dark chracter

[spoiler=my app]My App

Name-Felix

Age-13

gender-male

pic/discribtion-imagescafe2vpg.jpg

attitude-Friendly,some what cocky,and very deturmuned

hobbies-Dueling and chatting with friends

side-Light

deck-Power Of The Hidden Guardians

ace card-Guardian Of The Universe Omega

 

[spoiler=other peoples app/members] App

Name-Cecil

Age-15

gender-male

pic/discribtion- long, brown, spiky hair. blue eyes. 5ft 7in.

attitude-he is a real nice guy, just dont make him mad.

hobbies-dualing

side-light

deck-Dragons Soul

ace card-Blue eyes white dragon

 

[spoiler=other people app/computer]nick added App

Name-Nick

Age-12

gender-male

pic/discribtion-imagescavme0x4.jpg

attitude-friendly,brave,over confident

hobbies-Dueling,sleeping

side-light

deck-Dragon ultima

ace card-Curse Water Dragon

[spoiler=NEWS] Nick has been added

 

[spoiler=chapter 1]Battle on the duleing ship.

 

As the boat was moving Felix started to lie down on the floor and watch the clouds. " This is gonna be the best trip ever,if I pass the test I'll be a member for the duel acadamy" felix thought.All of a sudden Felix heard a noise " Come on little pip squeak give me your deck" said an older mans voice. " I've spent years on making this deck I'm not just gonna let you steal it away from me." a smaller boy said. " Oh ya well fine I won't steal it I'll toss it into the ocean." said the older man. Felix walked up to them and said " Leave him alone." The older man was chuckling and then he said " What are you gonna do about it." "Lets duel, if I win you leave this kid alone and if you win you get to keep my deck." The man smiled and said " Fine if you want to give your deck away I'll do it." They both got out there duel disks and Felix said " Lets Duel"

Felix-4000 Old man-4000

"I'll go first" Felix said. Felix drawed,"I'll start this off by summoning Ryo Gurdian Of The Winged Beasts (1500 ATK/1200 DEF)

441946.jpg

(When this card is normal summond you can send one card on your opponents field back to there hand. While this card is on the field winged beasts gain 500 ATK.)

and I play to facedown cards and I end my turn."Felix said. "My move" I play Death Jr. in ATK mode ( ATK 1800/Def 0)

441946a.jpg

(This card can not be destroyed in battle. Once per turn you can sacerfice 1 monster on your side of the field to destroy 1 card on yuor opponents side of the field. you can tribute this card to special summon death from your hand or deck) now attack Death Jr." " Not so fast,I activate my trap card

441946z.jpg

(This card can only be used on a Winged Beast. When your opponent is attacking a winged beast on the field you can discard 1 card from your hand to double that Winged Beasts attack until the end of the damage caculation.) " Ya but my Death Jr can not be destroyed in battle." the older man said "But you still lose LifePoints." Felix said.

3000-1800=1200

Felix-4000 Old man-2800

" My move" Felix said. Felix drawed,I summon Winged Guardian Of Tuners (ATK1200/DEF900)

441946x.jpg

(When there is an other winged beast on the field you can search your deck for 1 "Tuner" Monster and special summon it in ATK mode on the field.) and I use his effect to special summon Baby Dragon ( ATK500/DEF200)

26343196.png

(This card can not be destroyes by the effect of a spell.) "Now I syncronize Winged guardian of tuners and baby dragon to summon Guardian Of The Universe Omega ( ATK2650/DEF2100)

441946j.jpg

(1 tuner+1 or more non-tuner.

When this card attacks, you can pay 200 Life Points to negate the effect of a Spell or Trap card on the field. Once per turn, Tribute 1 monster you control to increase this card's Level by 1.) And I end my turn" "My turn" said the old man. I tribute my Death Jr to special summon Death (ATK3000/Def3000)

441946u.jpg

(Sacerfice 1 monster on your side on the field to summen a monster from the grave yard(can only use effect 1 time per turn) and I attack you Omega." "Wait I use iron sand.)

( Equip monster can not be destroyed in battle) " But you still loose Life points" said the old man.

3000-2650=350

Felix-3650 old man-2800

As felix was about to draw tthe boat stopped and the captin came out and said "were here,so everyone off the boat and go to the duel acadamy." The old man grunted " Hmph,we'll have to finish this duel later then." After saying that the old man walked away.Felix started walking the boy followed him and said " I bet you would of won the duel, too bad and hey whats your name I'm Nick." Felix responded " My name's felix nice to meet you."

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[spoiler=chapter 2]The test nicks battle

 

Felix walked with nick down to the duel acadamy. When they got inside they couldn't belive there eyes. There were millions of duelists all wating to take there tests. Then the councerler walked up on the stage and said " Welcome duelists, you have been selected to be part of the duel acadamy but first you will need to pass the test and only 100 duelists out of the millions of duelists here will pass,for now stay in the hotel and wait till your called to take your test." ( 5 days later ) While Felix was fast asleep nick rushed to him and yelled " Wakeup Felix." Felix got up slowly got up and said " whats up. " "In an hour I'll be taking my test " Nick said excitedly. It was time for nicks test to begin. " Welcome Nick be prepaired to duel." The instructer said. Nick responded " Lets Duel!

Nick-4000 Instructer-4000

I'll go first, I summon Dragon Of The Dark Arts (ATK1550/DEF1200)

441946w.jpg

(When this card is Normal summond all Dragon Type monsters can not be targeted for an Spell or Trap card.) and I play 2 face down cards and end my turn." "My move" said the instructer. " I summon mini robo spy ( ATK800/DEF1000)

27999544.png

and I use his effect to look at your hand,know I place 1 card face down card and I end my turn." "Draw" said nick, I summon Eternal Dragon ( ATK1100/DEF900)

441946i.jpg

(This card can not be destroyed in battle. If this card was special summond,increase your Life Points by 500.) and I end my turn. "My move." " I Tribute my robo spy to summon robo Dude V.2 ( ATK2500/DEF2000)

441946y.jpg

(When destroyed in battle you can special suman robo dude V.1.) Now attack your your etirnity dragon,It might not be destroyed but you still lose lifepoints."

2500-1100=1400

Nick-2600 Instructer-4000

"My move " said nick. " I tribute my eternity dragon and my Drago of the black arts to summon Curse Water Dragon (ATK2500/DEF2300)

441946c.jpg

(When this card is Normal summon this card can attack twice. If this card is the only card on your side of the field inflict halve the attack of this monster.) Now I use this equip spell iron sand. (The equip monster can not be destroyed in battle) Know attack Robo DudeV.2,They would both be destroyed but because of my equip spell card my curse water dragon is still on the field." " Since I normal summond him I can attack again,but this time to your lifepoints. Also since this is my only monster on my field I inflict halve the attack of this monster to your life points."

Total damage=2500+1250=3750

nick-2600 instructer-250

" You are good enough you have passed nick." The instucter said. Yay, can't wait to tell Felix!" Nick shouted,

 

TOO BE CONTINUED

 

Chapter 3 coming soon

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Twig Newbie

Twig

Posted
Posted

I've always wanted to do this. Sorry Daily News and Weather Report. I wanted to try doing this. Amidoinitrite?

 

Along time ago an ancient war was going on. Uhu' date='uhu, keep going...[/color'] Dark VS Light,What about Dark VS Light? Writing real sentences is pro. Why is there a comma after it?In that time the world was field with dragons,spellcasters,warriors,ect.Using ect isn't pro.

One day the greatest spell caster, Ryong, has planned to end this foulish war.Spell foolish right!So Ryong used an enchantment to turn all monsters into cards.100.What about 100? Is that suppose to be a sentence?000 years later people discoverd these cards and made them into a game.Lol. Zero years later. Why does it have three zeros? Now all over the world people use the cards as a game but soon 1 boys destiny will be revield andthe fate of the world will be on his hands.Spelling the number one instead of typing the number is pro. Spelling revealed right is pro. Putting space between two words is pro. Run-on sentences isn't pro.

 

You need to fix grammar mistakes. You have some spelling errors, too. The story intro isn't very original. "The fate of the world will be on his hands." Many stories uses that sentence. I don't know if this is going to be good. So far, it's pretty bad. You need to improve.

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Twig Newbie

Twig

Posted
Posted

Well, since you made a new one, I decided to make a News Flash.

 

 

"Felix' date='Felix wake up you will miss the boat."Period after first Felix. After hearing that Felix woke up,and got dressed. He backed](Check the definition for backed. You're using it wrong.) his bag and ran down the stairs raced passed his mom heading for the door.You need commas all over the place! Last part of the sentence is awkward. Passed his mom heading for the door? It doesn't soud right, see? Before Felix can open the door mom said "Wait your in such a rush you almost for got this."Again, you're not putting commas. Felix's mom handed over his deck. "Thanks Mom but I need to go now I'll miss the boat,wish me luck."Period after now, comma after but, period after boat, comma after luck. Capitals. felix responded and ran out the door. Forgot to capitilize Felix. Period after responded. Capitals. Replace and with He. Felix sprinted across the street.This is probably the best sentence in this thing. And even that sentence isn't good. Sentences are detailed with adjectives and adverbs. He was at the dockPeriod. Captilize the next word. the boat already set sailed. Felix ran and jumped on the rope hanging on the boatPeriod. Capitalize the next word. Take out comma,then climed up on it.You spelled climbed wrong. " Yes,Exclamation Point!I'm going to Duel Acadamy!" Felix shouted

 

You need to learn where to end sentences and how to continue long ones. That was the main error.

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Twig Newbie

Twig

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Posted

[spoiler=News Flash!]

 

Battle on the duleing ship.

 

We are at the title of the chapter' date=' and I already see some mistakes. Pros capitalize their titles, and they do not misspell dueling. Plus, there is no period after a title unless it ends with words like Dr., Mr., No., or something else like that.[/color']

 

As the boat was moving Felix started to lie down on the floor and watch the clouds. " This is gonna be the best trip ever,if I pass the test I'll be a member for the duel acadamy" felix thought.All of a sudden Felix heard a noise " Come on little pip squeak give me your deck" said an older mans voice. " I've spent years on making this deck I'm not just gonna let you steal it away from me." a smaller boy said. " Oh ya well fine I won't steal it I'll toss it into the ocean." said the older man. Felix walked up to them and said " Leave him alone." The older man was chuckling and then he said " What are you gonna do about it." "Lets duel, if I win you leave this kid alone and if you win you get to keep my deck." The man smiled and said " Fine if you want to give your deck away I'll do it." They both got out there duel disks and Felix said " Lets Duel"

 

A LOT of mistakes. If I had a nickel for every grammar mistake on this, I would have at least $10. You have a bunch of run-on sentences. You need paragraphs for every new dialouge. After a person is done talking, you put a comma, not a period.

[spoiler=[color=#FF4500]Example]

"Hello Bob," said Sam.

 

You also don't put spaces in between quotation marks and words.

 

Felix-4000 Old man-4000

"I'll go first" Felix said. Felix drawed,"I'll start this off by summoning Ryo Gurdian Of The Winged Beasts (1500 ATK/1200 DEF)

441946.jpg

(When this card is normal summond you can send one card on your opponents field back to there hand. While this card is on the field winged beasts gain 500 ATK.)

 

Not only do you need to learn Enlish grammar, you also need to learn OCG, in other words, Official Card Grammar. By the way, it's not drawed, it's drew.

 

and I play to facedown cards and I end my turn."Felix said. "My move" I play Death Jr. in ATK mode ( ATK 1800/Def 0)

441946a.jpg

(This card can not be destroyed in battle. Once per turn you can sacerfice 1 monster on your side of the field to destroy 1 card on yuor opponents side of the field. you can tribute this card to special summon death from your hand or deck) now attack Death Jr."

 

You play to facedown cards? That doesn't make any sense. Maybe you meant, I set two facedown cards. Sacerfice? No, it is sacrifice.

 

" Not so fast,I activate my trap card

441946z.jpg

(This card can only be used on a Winged Beast. When your opponent is attacking a winged beast on the field you can discard 1 card from your hand to double that Winged Beasts attack until the end of the damage caculation.) " Ya but my Death Jr can not be destroyed in battle." the older man said "But you still lose LifePoints." Felix said.

3000-1800=1200

Felix-4000 Old man-2800

 

At least you know how to subtract. You're sentences/dialouge bored me. ...but my Death Jr cannot be destroyed...But you still lose lifepoints...

Those are some pretty dull sentences. Add more to it.

 

" My move" Felix said. Felix drawed,I summon Winged Guardian Of Tuners (ATK1200/DEF900)

441946x.jpg

(When there is an other winged beast on the field you can search your deck for 1 "Tuner" Monster and special summon it in ATK mode on the field.) and I use his effect to special summon Baby Dragon ( ATK500/DEF200)

26343196.png

 

Hold on a minute! There's already a yugioh card called Baby Dragon. You have many mistakes. So many for me to correct. Always add a space after a comma. You're OCG kinda stinks.

 

(This card can not be destroyes by the effect of a spell.) "Now I syncronize Winged guardian of tuners and baby dragon to summon Guardian Of The Universe Omega ( ATK2650/DEF2100)

441946j.jpg

(1 tuner+1 or more non-tuner.

When this card attacks, you can pay 200 Life Points to negate the effect of a Spell or Trap card on the field. Once per turn, Tribute 1 monster you control to increase this card's Level by 1.) And I end my turn"

 

Another problem. You're sychro monster is level seven. Baby dragon and Winged Guardian of Tuners only make 6. Is subtracting you're only skill?

 

"My turn" said the old man. I tribute my Death Jr to special summon Death (ATK3000/Def3000)

441946u.jpg

(Sacerfice 1 monster on your side on the field to summen a monster from the grave yard(can only use effect 1 time per turn) and I attack you Omega." "Wait I use iron sand.)

( Equip monster can not be destroyed in battle) " But you still loose Life points" said the old man.

3000-2650=350

Felix-3650 old man-2800

As felix was about to draw tthe boat stopped and the captin came out and said "were here,so everyone off the boat and go to the duel acadamy." The old man grunted " Hmph,we'll have to finish this duel later then." After saying that the old man walked away.Felix started walking the boy followed him and said " I bet you would of won the duel, too bad and hey whats your name I'm Nick." Felix responded " My name's felix nice to meet you."

 

Boring. Many mistakes. Bad OCG. That's probably why nobody is posting.

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

 

This fan-fic definitely needs help. There is way too many mistakes. The sentences are not very detailed either. You didn't even describe your character. I see your app, but you have to describe them in the story, too. You can't just tell people about your character in a certain section. Do you see books do that? Again, it needs a lot of help.

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SmallieBigs Newbie

SmallieBigs

Posted
Posted

I've always wanted to do this. Sorry Daily News and Weather Report. I wanted to try doing this. Amidoinitrite?

 

Along time ago an ancient war was going on. Uhu' date='uhu, keep going...[/color'] Dark VS Light,What about Dark VS Light? Writing real sentences is pro. Why is there a comma after it?In that time the world was field with dragons,spellcasters,warriors,ect.Using ect isn't pro.

One day the greatest spell caster, Ryong, has planned to end this foulish war.Spell foolish right!So Ryong used an enchantment to turn all monsters into cards.100.What about 100? Is that suppose to be a sentence?000 years later people discoverd these cards and made them into a game.Lol. Zero years later. Why does it have three zeros? Now all over the world people use the cards as a game but soon 1 boys destiny will be revield andthe fate of the world will be on his hands.Spelling the number one instead of typing the number is pro. Spelling revealed right is pro. Putting space between two words is pro. Run-on sentences isn't pro.

 

You need to fix grammar mistakes. You have some spelling errors, too. The story intro isn't very original. "The fate of the world will be on his hands." Many stories uses that sentence. I don't know if this is going to be good. So far, it's pretty bad. You need to improve.

u r doin it rite octoberon u jst ned an moar orignal nam 4 thes thinz cus i has teh word news in mah revews call it somting liek octobrfestt tht is col nam. See how difficult that was to read? Well I don't have the will to review this so octoberon can do it for me.

 

P.S. I forgot you spelt duelers wrong methinkz. Change it.

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