Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted January 9, 2010 Report Share Posted January 9, 2010 Stories revolving around Duel Monsters. [spoiler=(1: Aussa and Dharc)](info)This is a short story about the charmers...not being really serious. Nuff said. Aussa and Dharc The earth shakes. The sea rages. The wind howls. The fire spreads furiously. Darkness sets in. Five young witches, clad in brown cloaks, practice their magic in the various places of Duel Monsters World. Their powers unique, their enemies know not of their seductive magic. Sunset. The five girls return to the secret village, deep with the forest. to their master. A young woman sporting an extravagant, large red hat, beautiful blond hair, a white robe that shines beautifully, contrasting the tattered, wearing cloaks of the five girls. "Good evening, Mistress Doriado" Spoken by the girl with the glasses. Doriado looks at each girl. "Aussa, wisdom of the Earth""Eria, calm as the sea""Hiita, strong as the fire""Wynn, graceful as air"Dharc, quiet as the darkness" "Tomorrow, you five will engage in the next stage of your training. That is, Familiar-Possessing". Confusion is shared by each girl. "Familiar-Possessing?" Wynn asks. Doriado continues "you're Charmer training is merely the first stage of mastering the Earth's elements. The next, is to eternally control the hearts of those who rely on such elements. Study hard. That is all" Doriado turns away and leaves. Aussa studies hard tonight. Stack upon stack of books fill her room. Her familiar sleeps silently. A pebble hits her window. Aussa looks out and sees Dharc waving to her. She walks outside, following Dharc into the forest. "I'm leaving" Dharc says. "Leaving? What do you mean?" Aussa asks. "The other day, I met a wizard who will help me master the darkness." "But Doriado is the master of the elements" Aussa argues. "She knows nothing of the darkness" Dharc responds. "Anyway, I'm leaving. See you around. Come on Meda Bat" Dharc turns and leaves. "Farewell, my friend" Aussa whispers. _______________________________________________________________ That's the end...I think. If I show further interest, I'll write more. I have a lot of ideas. Kind of sped up the story at the end; it was 5:49 AM at the time I finished this lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmallieBigs Posted January 9, 2010 Report Share Posted January 9, 2010 I will give you the Daily News kk?: [spoiler=Daily News]The earth shakes. The sea rages. The wind howls. The fire spreads furiously. Darkness sets in. Five young witches, clad in brown cloaks, practice their magic in the various places of Duel Monsters World. Their powers unique, their enemies know not of their seductive magic. You forgot about Lighty *crosses arms* they all have the same powers lol. Sunset. The five girls return to the secret village, deep with the forest. to their master. A young woman sporting an extravagant, large red hat, beautiful blond hair, a white robe that shines beautifully, contrasting the tattered, wearing cloaks of the five girls. "Good evening, Mistress Doriado" Spoken by the girl with the glasses. Doriado looks at each girl.Huh Sunset wut? Deep with the forest huh? The forest comes with the five charmers when there is actually six. Just remember the password is "within" could you tell us which Charmer it is? "Aussa, wisdom of the Earth""Eria, calm as the sea""Hiita, strong as the fire""Wynn, graceful as air"Dharc, quiet as the darkness"Okay who exactly is saying this? Do all the Charmers report for duty? Lol I said duty. "Tomorrow, you five will engage in the next stage of your training. That is, Familiar-Possessing". Confusion is shared by each girl. "Familiar-Possessing?" Wynn asks. Doriado continues "you're Charmer training is merely the first stage of mastering the Earth's elements. The next, is to eternally control the hearts of those who rely on such elements. Study hard. That is all" Doriado turns away and leaves.New line plz when someone new is speaking. Where does Doriado go to leave? To the batcave dananananananananana Batman! Aussa studies hard tonight. Stack upon stack of books fill her room. Her familiar sleeps silently. A pebble hits her window. Aussa looks out and sees Dharc waving to her. She walks outside, following Dharc into the forest. "I'm leaving" Dharc says. "Leaving? What do you mean?" Aussa asks. "The other day, I met a wizard who will help me master the darkness." "But Doriado is the master of the elements" Aussa argues. "She knows nothing of the darkness" Dharc responds. "Anyway, I'm leaving. See you around. Come on Meda Bat" Dharc turns and leaves.New line pweaze when somebody new is speaking. Let me guess the Wizard is Dark Magician? "Farewell, my friend" Aussa whispers.Lol anti-climatic _______________________________________________________________ That's the end...I think. If I show further interest, I'll write more. I have a lot of ideas. Kind of sped up the story at the end; it was 5:49 AM at the time I finished this lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted January 9, 2010 Report Share Posted January 9, 2010 Daily News, I feel that your NEWS STORY was pretty lackluster and not useful in the important editing department. To show you how to REALLY help an author, I shall show you how it's done. This is a short story about the charmers...not being really serious. Nuff said.Well' date=' the idea's not really that original, since many oters have done the same thing on the forum already. But it's not what you do, it's how you do it, so let's read.[/color']Aussa and Dharc The earth shakes. The sea rages. The wind howls. The fire spreads furiously. Darkness sets in. Five young witches, clad in brown cloaks, practice their magic in the various places of Duel Monsters World. Their powers unique, their enemies know not of their seductive magic. Well, I like how you set the mood like that so easily. Those first lines feel like they have a lot of power behind them. And seductive... mmm... no, wait, they're still ten or something, ew. But good use of adjectives!And to you, Mr. News, why the hell would he include Lighty? Or she? I can't tell. But still? You said 'lol' but you referenced her later on in the story, too. What's with that? Why should a Fortune Charmer be involved?! Sunset. The five girls return to the secret village, deep with the forest. to their master. A young woman sporting an extravagant, large red hat, beautiful blond hair, a white robe that shines beautifully, contrasting the tattered, wearing cloaks of the five girls. "Good evening, Mistress Doriado" Spoken by the girl with the glasses. Doriado looks at each girl.So, we get a sense of the surroundings and such, nice, until you made the new sentence, to their master. And when you said deep with the forest. Either you made some grammatical mistakes you overlooked that ruined everything so far... or you did just that. You COULDN'T have done that on purpose. And exactly where are these charmers? In a cool house, an old one, a dumb-looking one? Was it nicely furnished, or did everybody have to sit in the dirt? Explain that, please, since your strong suit seems to be description. Because when you used quotes, you forget oh so much about your grammar. Does Aussa end with a comma, or an exclamation point, or what? And Spoken shouldn't have been capitalized. And watch your tenses, since Doriado APPARENTLY looks at the girls RIGHT NOW. She didn't before, but she does NOW, and ONLY NOW.And to News, obviously Sunset. is there to set the tone and mood of the story. And PLEASE stop talking about the sixth charmer, LIGHTY IS JUST A FORTUNE LADY. Also, your OWN grammar is bad, so if you're telling somebody ELSE to fix their own posts, you need to set a good example."Aussa, wisdom of the Earth""Eria, calm as the sea""Hiita, strong as the fire""Wynn, graceful as air"Dharc, quiet as the darkness"Well, you either forgot to add the second quotation mark, or you forgot to add the comma after their names. In fact, the correct way to do this is just use the first quotation mark in EACH quote, since the same person's talking all the while. Also, if she's still talking, then you shoule also take out the next quotation mark in her next quote. On the subject of WHAT she's saying, she sounds too fake and fairy tale-ish. She's too dramatic! She sounds like a big ham.Heh, 'duty'. Really, that was a terrible joke in my opinion, unless you've said enough serious stuff for that to break the tension and actually make us chuckle. And once more, fix your damn grammar."Tomorrow, you five will engage in the next stage of your training. That is, Familiar-Possessing". Confusion is shared by each girl. "Familiar-Possessing?" Wynn asks. Doriado continues "you're Charmer training is merely the first stage of mastering the Earth's elements. The next, is to eternally control the hearts of those who rely on such elements. Study hard. That is all" Doriado turns away and leaves.MAKE A NEW SPACE WHENEVER A NEW SPEAKER SPEAKS!! Why is it that lately everybody I review (not literally, of course) doesn't do that correctly?! And keep your tenses correct! Confusion IS? No, confusion WAS shared by each girl, you mean. And when Doriado speaks again, you totally screwed up. First, press the 'ENTER' key, as I just said. Second, she didn't capitalize her first word. Third, you said 'you are', not 'your'. And no period after That is all. And even after she finished, you forgot your tenses again! Oh look, she's turning right now! Stop her before she leaves!You did okay here, DN, but once again, your joke was lacking. Old pop culture phenomenons aren't ALWAYS funny when you use them, y'know?Aussa studies hard tonight. Stack upon stack of books fill her room. Her familiar sleeps silently. A pebble hits her window. Aussa looks out and sees Dharc waving to her. She walks outside, following Dharc into the forest. "I'm leaving" Dharc says. "Leaving? What do you mean?" Aussa asks. "The other day, I met a wizard who will help me master the darkness." "But Doriado is the master of the elements" Aussa argues. "She knows nothing of the darkness" Dharc responds. "Anyway, I'm leaving. See you around. Come on Meda Bat" Dharc turns and leaves.Is she studying later on tonight? Well, I guess I could join her or something, at least until YOU GET YOUR DANG TENSES RIGHT. How many times have you screwed up on this so far? And what did her room look like? Not everybody has a room with a window, you know, I guess. And now I'm realizing that you didn't give a good visual on the charmers, either. Just providing a picture of them makes you look lazy. And also, your quotations are crappy again. I'll leave it up to you to figure out how. And why is the dark person always so evil sounding? She sounds like she's gonna join as this guy's apprentice and TAKE OVER/DESTROY THE WORLD!! And plus, if she had the Meda Bat, it would've been nice to refer to it instead of just mentioning it, but not really stating the fact that it was flying around her.If you looked on the link, then you'd OBVIOUSLY know who the sorcerer was."Farewell, my friend" Aussa whispers.Crap, one last screw-up to leave us all with a sick taste in our mouths. _______________________________________________________________ That's the end...I think. If I show further interest, I'll write more. I have a lot of ideas. Kind of sped up the story at the end; it was 5:49 AM at the time I finished this lol.NO! NO!! NOOOOOO!! You DON'T hurry up to finish something, you continue laterr and add in the quality it deserves! Why didn't you finish it RIGHT at... uh, I dunno, 5:49 PM?! And Daily News: It's okay that you only reference the plot, but your jokes suck and your grammar is worse. To Mr. Ace: 3 demerits on not putting enough effort into your story! To Daily News: 2 demerits for not putting enough effort into your review! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted January 10, 2010 Report Share Posted January 10, 2010 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted January 10, 2010 Report Share Posted January 10, 2010 Well, I like your originality with some things you've just explained. And so, you get one less demerit now. Good for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 I think chapter 2 will be about Skull Servants. Coming soon. BTW how do you put the chapters into those box things to save space? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmallieBigs Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 lulz u dun no? [spoiler=(title)](info) [/spoiler] I hope it is good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Delinquent Girl NiAtSoFi Posted January 13, 2010 Report Share Posted January 13, 2010 lulz u dun no? [spoiler=(title)](info) [/spoiler] I hope it is good. I'm still a coding noob.Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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