Skyfi Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 [align=center] When all is gone and only evil remains. There shall come, the Ray of Hope. [spoiler=[b]Characters[/b]][spoiler=Kusaka Tenshiro] Digimon Line: Ryudamon - GinRyumon - HisyaRumon - OwRyumonDigivice Color: Grey [spoiler=Drake Hayashi (Hikari's Twin Brother)] Digimon Line: Dracomon - Coredramon (Green) - Groundramon - BreakdramonDigivice Color: Green [spoiler=Hikari Hayashi (Drake's Twin Sister)] Digimon Line: Dracomon - Coredramon (Blue) - Wingdramon - SlayerdramonDigivice Color: Blue [spoiler=[b]Prologue[/b]]Two figures stood in at the top of a large castle. Everything around them had been destroyed. The sky was filled with screams of panic. The figure on the right was wearing a suit of pitch black armor with gold trim. The figure on the left was dressed in brown, his armor almost cavalier like. “D-Duftmon why have you done this...” Alphamon, the figure on the right muttered. “Why? This is for the good of the entire Digital World. Alphamon, you naive fool. Lord Lucemon shall bring the Digital World to justice.” The cavalier exclaimed with rage. “Lucemon?! You do realize the second you destroy me that corrupt warlord shall dispose of you!” “Shut your mouth! You dare speak such towards Lord Lucemon!? I Shall eliminate you here and now! “Very well Duftmon, do what you must, I will not fight you, but remember this when Lucemon is disposing of you. You have let down the whole Digital World.” “Enough! Perish!” Duftmon exclaimed as he thrusted his sword into The black knight. Data began to stream out of the destroyed knight. “Good job Duftmon.” Duftmon turned to see a figure who was half angel, and half demon. The figure spoke in a cold shrill voice. This was the voice of Lord Lucemon. To his right walked a beautiful but dark witch, she wore a purple robe and wore a dark tiara upon her head, her skin as pale as a ghost. On her back, bat wings. Her eyes the deepest shade of green. This was Lucemon's right hand lady, Lilithmon. “Lord Lucemon...I have done what you asked of me, may I count on the power you had promised me?” Duftmon asked as he knelled to his master. “It appears so...” The dark lord whispered. “Lilithmon... Give Duftmon here... His reward.” Lucemon whispered as he turned to walk the other way leaving Lilithmon alone with Duftmon. “So...? What is this power Lord Lucemon had promised to me? Lilithmon began to chuckle. “What's so funny?” Duftmon began to question. “You have served your purpose to Lord Lucemon” Lilithmon continued to chuckle. “What!?” Duftmon exclaimed in shock. “Phantom Pain!!!” Lilithmon exclaimed as she touched her nail upon Duftmon's chest. “Alphamon... I'm sorry...” Duftmon thought to himself, as he was enveloped into a dark mist.. Soon after his body began to rot, he could feel the life leaving his body. Data began to stream out of the spot where Duftmon once stood. Lilithmon pulled out a blood red glass orb. “Long live Lord Lucemon!” Lilithmon shouted as Alphamon's and Duftmon's data began to absorb into the blood red orb. “This is the beginning of the end.” Lilithmon chuckled maniacally. Lilithmon flew out of the castle leaving the tower to burn. The single hope for the Digital World, the Royal Knights had been destroyed, their castle left to burn. [/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aequitas Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 The prolouge was decent. A bit more description will do you good though. It feels like you rushed writing this. Otherwise, nice job. I'll be returning for more. Oh, and you miss spelled prologue in the title. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legend Zero Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Never did like Duftmon =O It does feel like the prologue is incomplete imo. =/ But I do like the double betrayal from the very beginning great work I'll be reading. =] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyfi Posted January 1, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Yeah, it's not rushed or anything, I've been working on just that for a few weeks :P Im not the best at writing but I'll try to make Chapter 1 better :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Seemed to have a bit too much dialogue and some descriptions were rather awkward in my opinion. A Demon Lord killing a Royal Knight in the beginning as a tower burns to the ground? Suspicious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyfi Posted January 1, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Awkward? How so? And im not sure what you mean by the crossed out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silent Omega Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 Yes, let's trust a powerful evil Half demon. I liek it so far. Continue or thou shalt also feel the fury of Lucemon :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyfi Posted January 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Haha thanks. I'm still trying to figure out more characters so if anybody has any suggestion, by all means PM me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Awkward? How so? And im not sure what you mean by the crossed out. I don't know, some of it seemed out of place or something. I just can't explain, but try and read that prologue out loud. Hopeless Paradise Chapter 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyfi Posted January 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Will do. I don't remember Chapter 2 so I'll go back and read that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Two figures stood at in at Congratulations, you managed to get me confused before you finished the first sentence. Anyhow, brief summary of the prologue: ALPHAMON: If you kill me, Lucemon will kill you.DUFTMON: No u. *kills*LUCEMON: *blinks in* LILITHMON: OHKO!DUFTMON: *dies*ALPHAMON: Told you so. There was a bit too much dialog and not enough description in my opinion. The description you do use seems off at times, and your sentence construction (see first part of post) is confusing sometimes. Other than the above, good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyfi Posted January 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 The at in thing was a accident and is fixed. It will get more detailed as I work on it. Thanks for the input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silent Omega Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 There are hundreds of digimon characters for you to choose :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyfi Posted January 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Still, Im trying to work on more detailed characters along with whole back story's, they're Digimon, there relationships. Everything, might be a week or two before Chapter 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Warden Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 It kinda bored me honestly, I do agree what the others had said, it is kinda incomplete. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyfi Posted January 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Thanks for the input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Where did you get your banner? I've seen that Legend Zero got one for his fic as well, so I'm curious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyfi Posted January 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 I got the Data Squad logo off of photo bucket then photo shopped it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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