Nine tailed f ox Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 [spoiler=plot]3000 year ago, A powerful dark demon was defend my a The Legendary duelist Nathan. unware to every duelist 3000 years later the once powerful dark demon will arise but can anyone stop it and what happen to the Legendary duelist Nathan. [spoiler=Character]here a list of Characters and they decks, NathanAge-3000bio: the Legendary duelist who defend the powerful dark demon. he looks just 18decks- John:age:18Bio: a rookie duelist who really want to get into the new dual Acadmey. he lose is father at the age of 12 ?????- a charcter from another yu-gi-oh seris will appear, to help fight the Demon. more coming soon [spoiler=Chapter 1- the origins of the Legendary duelist ] It was a dark time, 3000 years ago, a powerful dark duelist awoke causing chaosthough out the land. Many duelist try to stop but the evil got more powerful soon taking control of people. A Legendary duelist came out of hiding, ready to face the evil. ancient Egypt- In a dark time, a dark duelist called, sinner was taking Egypt. John's ancientgrandfather stood up knowing that he need to by some time for thr Legendary duelist to appearer. " Hey, I challenge you to a duel."" So, you want to save this town of Egypt."" Get out or face my wrath""Fine lets duel"The wind blew across the wasteland as the two duelist began to put they deck into a Ancient duel disk. a black ring spun around the dark duelist, as it covered the whole battle ground and the soul of John's grandfather was trap in a dark lock."Prepare to give up your soul""Lets do this""duel" G:8000S:12000 " time, for your soul""bring it, i draw"" what your next move"" I summon the grand fighter in attack mode grand fighter, ATK:2000 " Next it effect kicks in, which allows be to summon another grand fighter from my deck."Grand fighterATK:2000 Then two black lines insert it to the monsters Grand fighterx2 ATK: 1350 "what happen"" Ha, hurry with your move old man"" I lay a face down your turn S:14000 " I draw and summon the dark Phantom in attack mode"dark aura enlocked the dark Phantom. dark Phantom ATK:3000 " No way"" Now old man I attack your Grand fighter."" wait I play a face down the fighter defender, and now your Monster is destroyed."" don't think by the effect I pay half of my life points"the dark Phantom blast hit sinnerS:7000" and now Both of your monsters are destroyed and you take 5000 points of damageG:3000" I end my turn"" Dam you, I draw and lay two cards face down your move"" look at your soul it crying out but soon it will be mind, as now I destroy my monster to summon grand dark Dragon LV12 dark aura flicked in and around the dragon as he big claws and as dragon head came out senting shockwaves though the ground by is big tail.grand dark dragonATK: 1500' next I play a spell card the dark reaver"" wait. i stop you by playing a card. spell negater and now you can not use spells"" Is that all you have, now dark dragon attack his life points directly.""no"a dark flame beath flew and blast john grandfather backG:1500" I end but soon your soul will be mind"to be continued. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 I look at the title and think, Hmm...there's some capitalization errors. You don't even have a story and I feel the need to get all up in your grill and criticize it. But, yeah, still, something of a WEATHER REPORT .[spoiler=plot]3000 year later' date=' wait, WHAT!?!? One year can't be 3000! 3000 years after what? the powerful dark demon WHAT powerful dark demon? was defend my a powerful deck, do you mean he was DEFENDED BY a powerful deck, or DEFEATED BY a powerful deck? This needs to make sense more. and the duelist called, Called WHAT!? Nathan oh. Well, you should've told us that BEFORE you put in the comma. but Wait, what did Nathan do? You didn't say he defended/defeated the "dark demon", so...what? And, wait this sentence is STILL GOING!?!? even now as life carries on as normal (apparently that's the correct way to say it, English is just weird like that), a gang are I know it's ONE gang, but ONE gang is made of SEVERAL members. Think about "gang are" and "gang is". Doesn't "gang is" sound more...correct? trying to bring back the dark demon and, YOU DON'T PUT COMMAS AFTER AND!! And what? Oh, you're just gonna hold us off with a comma? Oh. What a ripoff. the final show down showdown's one word, yo! will begin but, YOU DON'T PUT COMMAS AFTER AND, BUT, OR, or BECAUSE!! THEY'RE CONJUNCTIONS!! THEY DON'T WORK THAT WAY!! will the demon come back or is it ned of earth. I've gotta laugh at that statement. Is it ned of earth. Well, first of all, I don't think you're asking anybody. Second, NED of not-capitalized earth? Is WHAT Ned of Earth? Some guy called Ned? Wha? I know, that was a misspelling of end, give you a break and what-not. Granted you'll find some dumb typos in my stories, so...yeah. But this is a short PLOOT of a story. Don't you think you should have caught this? [spoiler=Character]here a list of Characters and they decks, Why is characters capitalized, but not here? And how do you "decks"? I wanna learn how to "decks". NathanAge-3000 WAITWHAT. HOW is that even possible!? And if he's some magical creature that makes absolutely no sense by living so long yet looking like a teenager, you should say so.bio: the Legendary duelist who defend the powerful dark demon. He, ahem, DEFENDED the dark demon so that said demon was not destroyed, but SAVED FROM being destroyed. It's a wonder he's not running around the city terrorizing things. And, wait a second, was he born 3000 years ago, and engaged in a 3000-year with this guy? 'Cause you said "3000 years later", and I'm pretty sure that's what you mean. No, not really. I'm not sure whtt you mean at all. he is young and over looks 18 Over looks? Does he overlook eighteen plastic figurines of his favorite YuYu Hakusho characters? Because I'm pretty sure if you meant "he looks about eighteen years old" that wouldn't make sense, but if your writing skills are good enough you can pull that off.decks- John: Your character bios use different templates every time, you know that?age:18Bio: a rookie duelist who really want to get into the new dual Acadmey. Spell-check. And DUAL Academy? Two academies in one! I can see why he wants to go there now! He loses his father at the age of 12PERIOD You should really spell out smaller numbers, like twelve instead of 12. ?????- a charcter from another yu-gi-oh seris will appear, to help fight the Demon. Oh, now demon is CAPITALIZED. Never mind the fact that you're shoehorning an unrelated character in, who I'm sure would have known more about the demon if he/she were actually around to EXPERIENCE all of this, and never mind the fact that you should still spell-check, but...since when were they fighting the demon again? Okay, I'm getting confused now. Three THOUSAND years after...the demon went around Earth trying to eat everybody, Nathan challenged it to a...card game and...defended it from getting defeated in the process. Life...proceeded...normally? Gangsters are...trying to bring the demon back...from being defended...presumably so that the gangsters can face off with the demon to show how much they hate it? OH AND THERES ALSO YUGI more coming soon What a tale. Please word this plot (3000 years ago Nathan defeated a demon and now there's a gang that's not called Team Galactic trying to bring said demon back AND NATHANS STILL ALIVE OMG) in a better, more easy-to-understand manner, and your story, though generic-sounding now, will be SAVED. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nine tailed f ox Posted December 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 I understand, and the reason the person is still alive you find out later on in the season and, this si about john a rookie duelist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmallieBigs Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Could you please just post the first chapter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blablafodfpå Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 [spoiler=plot]3000 year ago' date=' the powerful dark demon was defend my a The Legendary duelist Nathan. unware to every duelist 3000 years later the once powerful dark demon will arise but can anyone stop it and what happen to the Legendary duelist Nathan. [spoiler=Character']here a list of Characters and they decks, NathanAge-3000bio: the Legendary duelist who defend the powerful dark demon. he looks just 18decks- John:age:18Bio: a rookie duelist who really want to get into the new dual Acadmey. he lose is father at the age of 12 ?????- a charcter from another yu-gi-oh seris will appear, to help fight the Demon. more coming soon Wtf is this crap ?Seriously it sucks. (OCG errors, Don't understand plot) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nine tailed f ox Posted January 1, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 OK WORKING ON IT NOW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blablafodfpå Posted January 1, 2010 Report Share Posted January 1, 2010 No, just delete this piece o' crap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faridbae Posted January 8, 2010 Report Share Posted January 8, 2010 is that funny?ahahahaha lol :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted January 8, 2010 Report Share Posted January 8, 2010 Ugh. Does anyone remember Kyubi? The dude with 'the warth of the black suit' and 'rally of heroes'? Just thought I'd say, theres a possability this is him. He's posted something similar to the other two, with only slight changes, like the jump of 'warth of the black suit' to 'rally ofheroes'. Just thought I'd point that out. And, what Kendo said. Also, ^. Thats completly stupidly off-topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmallieBigs Posted January 9, 2010 Report Share Posted January 9, 2010 Daily News is here! Weather Report isn't gonna waste his time here, but I am! [spoiler=o gawd!]It was a dark time, 3000 years ago, a powerful dark duelist awoke causing chaosthough out the land. Many duelist try to stop but the evil got more powerful soon taking control of people. A Legendary duelist came out of hiding, ready to face the evil. ancient Egypt- In a dark time, a dark duelist called, sinner was taking Egypt. John's ancientgrandfather stood up knowing that he need to by some time for thr Legendary duelist to appearer. " Hey, I challenge you to a duel." Okay WTF?! Who, I would like some spelling and grammar too. " So, you want to save this town of Egypt." Who is talking? That is a question and you do not have a question mark like this > ? It is made by holding down Shift the button that has the arrow poinying up and pressing the slash button the one with the line going sideways like this > / " Get out or face my wrath" Ever heard of a period again WHO IS TALKING? "Fine lets duel" Who is talking? srsly and he just says lets duel? Maybe he pulls out a sword and tries to cut his head of. The wind blew across the wasteland as the two duelist began to put they deck into a Ancient duel disk. a black ring spun around the dark duelist, as it covered the whole battle ground and the soul of John's grandfather was trap in a dark lock. What is the wasteland like? Is it lush and filled with beautiful plants? I may have to check with somebody else but isn't battle groud just one word? Like battleground? I prefer grammar and could you tell us how he is in a dark lock. As a matter of a fact what is the dark lock? "Prepare to give up your soul" lolcommonvillanline. "Lets do this" There is a thing called a period you know.< Like that. Did people back 3000 years ago talk like that? I don't think so. "duel" WTF? Have you heard of capitzalizing? G:8000S:12000 Do you know how to play Yugioh? Both players start off with 8000. Also who is G and who is S? " time, for your soul" Huh?"bring it, i draw" Did people really talk like that 3000 years ago? Anyway cool where is the description? " what your next move" What I don't understand?" I summon the grand fighter in attack mode Closing quotation is good. grand fighter, ATK:2000What is the Defence? " Next it effect kicks in, which allows be to summon another grand fighter from my deck." Why are they talking like Judai when it is 3000 years ago? Grand fighterATK:2000Most OP'd card EVAR!Then two black lines insert it to the monsters I partially understood that. Grand fighterx2 ATK: 1350lolwut?"what happen" Thank you mystery man we do not know yet. Grammar says hai! " Ha, hurry with your move old man" What I thought it was his turn still. " I lay a face down your turn It's Mirror Force duh. S:14000 " I draw and summon the dark Phantom in attack mode"dark aura enlocked the dark Phantom. dark Phantom ATK:3000LolOP'd. I prefer grammar in my writing. " No way" Wait what? " Now old man I attack your Grand fighter." Wait what I don't understand. " wait I play a face down the fighter defender, and now your Monster is destroyed." You could have just used an already existing card. " don't think by the effect I pay half of my life points" I don't understand. the dark Phantom blast hit sinner I am not understanding at all. S:7000" and now Both of your monsters are destroyed and you take 5000 points of damage I prefer that you use proper grammar here. G:3000" I end my turn" Okay. " Dam you, I draw and lay two cards face down your move" Beaver dam you lulz." look at your soul it crying out but soon it will be mind, as now I destroy my monster to summon grand dark Dragon LV12 Grammar luvs u! Did you learn how to play Yugioh from the first season of the Anime? dark aura flicked in and around the dragon as he big claws and as dragon head came out senting shockwaves though the ground by is big tail. I luv ur grammar! ur spelling is gret! grand dark dragonATK: 1500Lol UP'd. ' next I play a spell card the dark reaver" Lol shift key. Lolgrammar. " wait. i stop you by playing a card. spell negater and now you can not use spells" I would like a grammar soup please. We have none. " Is that all you have, now dark dragon attack his life points directly." Lolcheating. "no" Wut? a dark flame beath flew and blast john grandfather back I dun undrstad. G:1500" I end but soon your soul will be mind" Grammar is madly in luv wit u! to be continued. Wow anti-climatic. So it looks awful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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