thanonyx Posted December 29, 2009 Report Share Posted December 29, 2009 My little sister and I like crossing Yu-Gi-Oh! DM, GX, and 5D's with Sailor Moon (Yu-Gi-Oh! from me and Sailor Moon from her.) and we got this idea to give stardust Dragon a back story and link it to the Sailor Starlights. Over 3000 years ago, Planet Kinmoku was a happy and thriving planet. The people were happy, as were the animals, andeven the plants too. But whenever Kimoku or it's citizens were threatened by evil or opposing forces, it had a loyal andpowerful guardian, the mighty Stardust Dragon. The dragon destroyed all who threatened the planet and protected all whopopulated it. Stardust Dragon also had the power to protect the entire planet, if necessary, by sacrificing it's body it could blanket the whole planet in an impenetrable barrier for 1 day. After the barrier fell, the dragon revived after 1 year of rest. During this rest there was an order of knights called "The Starlight Knights" who protected planet Kinmoku in the dragon's stead until its rest was over. But one day, 3000 years ago, a great red dragon appeared and asked for Stardust Dragon's help in an upcoming battle against a group of evil gods that threatened it's world. Stardust Dragon wanted to help but who would protect planet Kinmoku? To leave the planet in good hand the Queen at the time suggested it give some of its power to the best warriors on Kinmoku. Stardust dragon selected the three greatest knights from "The Starlight Knights", three brave women who had braved many battles. The dragon bestowed upon them some of its power and they became the first Sailor Starlights. Stardust Dragon left with the great red dragon that day to go aid it in it's battle thinking planet Kinmoku was safe in the hands of the Sailor Starlights. But 3000 years later it was, sadly, proven wrong.... ...and the rest is history. [align=center]No one can stop the power of the Stardust Dragon[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted December 29, 2009 Report Share Posted December 29, 2009 Well, as nobody replied to this story yet, I feel that it's my duty to Weather Report on it. My little sister and I like crossing Yu-Gi-Oh! DM' date=' GX, and 5D's with Sailor Moon (Yu-Gi-Oh! from me and Sailor Moon from her.) and we got this idea to give stardust Dragon a back story and link it to the Sailor Starlights.Well, as long as it's done well, then any fan fiction can be good. Just please, no time traveling, and I think it would work better (opinion from not even reading yet...) if the Sailor Moon stuff was just happening someplace that WASN'T Domino City, so they could co-exist in the same realities without card games being everywhere (besides Domino City, and other weird places like that). Meh, I'll just read it now. Over 3000 years ago, Planet Kinmoku was a happy and thriving planet. The people were happy, as were the animals, and even the plants too. AAARGH, A TEXT BLOCK!! IT'S ALMOST AS ANNOYING AS SCRIPT FORMAT!! But happy plants sounds cool, so you're 1/2 forgiven. But whenever Kimoku or it's citizens were threatened by evil or opposing forces, it had a loyal and powerful guardian, the mighty Stardust Dragon. Well, at least it has 'Star' in it... The dragon destroyed all who rejected it and protected all who embraced it. Okay, that's a little dictator-ish. EVIL dictator. Beyond REDEMPTION evil dictator. What, is it some sort of jealous tiki idol that kills non-believers? It's extreme! Unless you got that from some alternate diety in this universe-show (SM), which I'd have no knowledge of, and then it's just the author's fault. If Stardust Dragon also had the power to protect the entire planet, if necessary, by sacrificing it's body it could blanket the whole planet in an impenetrable barrier for 1 day. WIMP!! What, it's JUST exactly 24 hours! After the barrier fell, the dragon revived. What a cheater! that means it can repeat itself right after it revives, just being an "invincible barrier" forever! And also, it's not invincible unless you find a stronger blade! Seriously, though, well actually, I'm getting too engrossed in some aspects. Ignore me. But one day, 3000 years ago, a great red dragon appeared and asked for Stardust Dragon's help in an upcoming battle against a group of evil gods that threatened it's world. OH, I GET IT! HAHA, CRIMSON DRAGON. Well, I guess it works with both cannons, so this sentence is good. Stardust Dragon wanted to help but who would protect planet Kinmoku. Well, shouldn't that be a QUESTION?! Either that, or who would be protecting it in its place, and who is a type of alien plant they have. But WAIT! You put 'but' in there, so that means Stardust Dragon does NOT want who to protect them, because who is a POISONOUS plant! OH NO! And there, I just fixed your grammatical error in one of the most drawn-out manners imaginable. To leave the planet in good hand the Queen at the time suggested it give some of it's power to the best warriors on Kinmoku. I'll fix it... uh... no, I got nuthin'. You needed to say 'good hands'. You needed a comma after that and before 'the Queen'. 'Queen' shouldn't be capitalized unless it's a name of somebody, or if the person's name came right after the word queen (ex. Queen...uh, Jil. Queen Jill works.) Stardust dragon selected the 3 great warriors the planet could offer, 3 brave women who had braved many battles. It looks cooler if you spell out three. More professional. The dragon bestowed upon them some of it's power and they became the first Sailor Starlights. Some of 'it is power'?! No, just 'its', not 'it's'. Get your contractions right, woman!! (Or man. I can't tell over the internet) Stardust Dragon left with the great dragon that day to go aid it in it's battle thinking planet Kinmoku was safe, but 3000 years later it was, sadly, proven wrong....ITS. NOT IT'S. And also, well, we could use a bit MORE backstory for those not story-savy. You should make this longer. AND MORE INTENSE!! ...and the rest is history. So basically, I'd suggest spacing stuff out more, having a good proofreader,making the dragon less evil-sounding, and you should make this longer and go into the lady's, and the dragon's, backstories. It would be a lot cooler that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thanonyx Posted December 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2009 Well' date=' as nobody replied to this story yet, I feel that it's my duty to Weather Report on it. My little sister and I like crossing Yu-Gi-Oh! DM, GX, and 5D's with Sailor Moon (Yu-Gi-Oh! from me and Sailor Moon from her.) and we got this idea to give stardust Dragon a back story and link it to the Sailor Starlights.Well, as long as it's done well, then any fan fiction can be good. Just please, no time traveling, and I think it would work better (opinion from not even reading yet...) if the Sailor Moon stuff was just happening someplace that WASN'T Domino City, so they could co-exist in the same realities without card games being everywhere (besides Domino City, and other weird places like that). Meh, I'll just read it now. Over 3000 years ago, Planet Kinmoku was a happy and thriving planet. The people were happy, as were the animals, and even the plants too. AAARGH, A TEXT BLOCK!! IT'S ALMOST AS ANNOYING AS SCRIPT FORMAT!! But happy plants sounds cool, so you're 1/2 forgiven. But whenever Kimoku or it's citizens were threatened by evil or opposing forces, it had a loyal and powerful guardian, the mighty Stardust Dragon. Well, at least it has 'Star' in it... The dragon destroyed all who rejected it and protected all who embraced it. Okay, that's a little dictator-ish. EVIL dictator. Beyond REDEMPTION evil dictator. What, is it some sort of jealous tiki idol that kills non-believers? It's extreme! Unless you got that from some alternate diety in this universe-show (SM), which I'd have no knowledge of, and then it's just the author's fault. If Stardust Dragon also had the power to protect the entire planet, if necessary, by sacrificing it's body it could blanket the whole planet in an impenetrable barrier for 1 day. WIMP!! What, it's JUST exactly 24 hours! After the barrier fell, the dragon revived. What a cheater! that means it can repeat itself right after it revives, just being an "invincible barrier" forever! And also, it's not invincible unless you find a stronger blade! Seriously, though, well actually, I'm getting too engrossed in some aspects. Ignore me. But one day, 3000 years ago, a great red dragon appeared and asked for Stardust Dragon's help in an upcoming battle against a group of evil gods that threatened it's world. OH, I GET IT! HAHA, CRIMSON DRAGON. Well, I guess it works with both cannons, so this sentence is good. Stardust Dragon wanted to help but who would protect planet Kinmoku. Well, shouldn't that be a QUESTION?! Either that, or who would be protecting it in its place, and who is a type of alien plant they have. But WAIT! You put 'but' in there, so that means Stardust Dragon does NOT want who to protect them, because who is a POISONOUS plant! OH NO! And there, I just fixed your grammatical error in one of the most drawn-out manners imaginable. To leave the planet in good hand the Queen at the time suggested it give some of it's power to the best warriors on Kinmoku. I'll fix it... uh... no, I got nuthin'. You needed to say 'good hands'. You needed a comma after that and before 'the Queen'. 'Queen' shouldn't be capitalized unless it's a name of somebody, or if the person's name came right after the word queen (ex. Queen...uh, Jil. Queen Jill works.) Stardust dragon selected the 3 great warriors the planet could offer, 3 brave women who had braved many battles. It looks cooler if you spell out three. More professional. The dragon bestowed upon them some of it's power and they became the first Sailor Starlights. Some of 'it is power'?! No, just 'its', not 'it's'. Get your contractions right, woman!! (Or man. I can't tell over the internet) Stardust Dragon left with the great dragon that day to go aid it in it's battle thinking planet Kinmoku was safe, but 3000 years later it was, sadly, proven wrong....ITS. NOT IT'S. And also, well, we could use a bit MORE backstory for those not story-savy. You should make this longer. AND MORE INTENSE!! ...and the rest is history. So basically, I'd suggest spacing stuff out more, having a good proofreader,making the dragon less evil-sounding, and you should make this longer and go into the lady's, and the dragon's, backstories. It would be a lot cooler that way. I fixed the grammatical errors (Sorry I was typing this story very fast.) but to fix the story itself, my sis and I will have to collaborate more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted December 29, 2009 Report Share Posted December 29, 2009 Well, I'd suggest that, because on a scale of 1-10, this would be about a 4 as is (I'm a harsh critic). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeroke Posted December 29, 2009 Report Share Posted December 29, 2009 That's pretty long-winded don't you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thanonyx Posted December 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2009 OK, I revised it a little more. How is it now? My sis and I wan't to get this down pat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted December 29, 2009 Report Share Posted December 29, 2009 AARGH, NOW IT'S UGLIER!! Make it two or three paragraphs, I meant! Now it looks like it's gonna eat me or something, ugh! But the Starlight Knights sounds cool. They sound like a crack unit of guys chosen every bajillion years after a whole bunch of training to take over once the dragon uses the barrier after a whole bunch of years. Kinda like... mythical hero jobs? It kinda sounds like there are guys who put on SUPAH MAGIC ARMUH! which gives them this strength, since you can't expect the dragon to pull out the barrier every few years, right? Also, when WOULD it use that? How many times has a giant evil mothership appeared to kill the planet, and would it appear again, like the legendary, invincible enemy...? Wow, I'm getting MYSELF interested in the possibilities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thanonyx Posted December 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 AARGH' date=' NOW IT'S UGLIER!! Make it two or three paragraphs, I meant! Now it looks like it's gonna eat me or something, ugh! But the Starlight Knights sounds cool. They sound like a crack unit of guys chosen every bajillion years after a whole bunch of training to take over once the dragon uses the barrier after a whole bunch of years. Kinda like... mythical hero jobs? It kinda sounds like there are guys who put on SUPAH MAGIC ARMUH! which gives them this strength, since you can't expect the dragon to pull out the barrier every few years, right? Also, when WOULD it use that? How many times has a giant evil mothership appeared to kill the planet, and would it appear again, like the legendary, invincible enemy...? Wow, I'm getting MYSELF interested in the possibilities.[/quote'] How about this? I separated it into paragraphs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 I think you sperated it too much this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 [spoiler=Maybe This?]Over 3000 years ago' date=' Planet Kinmoku was a happy and thriving planet. The people were happy, as were the animals, and even the plants too. But whenever Kimoku or it's citizens were threatened by evil or opposing forces, it had a loyal and powerful guardian, the mighty Stardust Dragon. The dragon destroyed all who threatened the planet and protected all who populated it. Stardust Dragon also had the power to protect the entire planet, if necessary, by sacrificing it's body it could blanket the whole planet in an impenetrable barrier for 1 day. After the barrier fell, the dragon revived after 1 year of rest. During this rest there was an order of knights called "The Starlight Knights" who protected planet Kinmoku in the dragon's stead until its rest was over. But one day, 3000 years ago, a great red dragon appeared and asked for Stardust Dragon's help in an upcoming battle against a group of evil gods that threatened it's world. Stardust Dragon wanted to help but who would protect planet Kinmoku? To leave the planet in good hand the Queen at the time suggested it give some of its power to the best warriors on Kinmoku. Stardust dragon selected the three greatest knights from "The Starlight Knights", three brave women who had braved many battles. The dragon bestowed upon them some of its power and they became the first Sailor Starlights. Stardust Dragon left with the great red dragon that day to go aid it in it's battle thinking planet Kinmoku was safe in the hands of the Sailor Starlights. But 3000 years later it was, sadly, proven wrong.... ...and the rest is history. [/quote'] Not sure if this is what weather meant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 that looks better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Roxas Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Octoberon has the proper format, so just copy and paste what his corrections. This isn't explaining the origins of Stardust. It just says that it exists. It's more like the spirit character that's just mentioned time and again rather than the main character. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Hmm. Why didn't I notice that before...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Huh. He has a point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thanonyx Posted December 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 It came from planet Kinmoku. That's where it was born/created/whatever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Meh, she can explain the origins when the opportunity arises in the story. It could make for a big surprise thing of some sort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thanonyx Posted December 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Meh' date=' she can explain the origins when the opportunity arises in the story. It could make for a big surprise thing of some sort.[/quote'] There's an idea. Oh and, by the way, I'm a guy. Or were you referring to my sister? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted December 30, 2009 Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Sorry, I just assumed! Crap, now everybody will think I'm a jerk-person who mislabels people's sexes, then I'll be ignored, hated, and soon enough, feared and forced to live in the deserts of the Sahara for the rest of my days! I JUST RUINED EVERYTHING!! But I am sorry if I offended. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thanonyx Posted December 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2009 Sorry' date=' I just assumed! Crap, now everybody will think I'm a jerk-person who mislabels people's sexes, then I'll be ignored, hated, and soon enough, feared and forced to live in the deserts of the Sahara for the rest of my days! I JUST RUINED EVERYTHING!! But I am sorry if I offended.[/quote']You didn't offend me, calm down. Any who, I just want to know how is this as a story. Captivating, intriguing, interesting, etc? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted December 31, 2009 Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 Well, I'd say it would be easier to determine after the first chapter, to see if we can identify with your setting and characters. Otherwise, this doesn't show much about your literary skills yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thanonyx Posted December 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2009 Well' date=' I'd say it would be easier to determine after the first chapter, to see if we can identify with your setting and characters. Otherwise, this doesn't show much about your literary skills yet.[/quote'] Well. its still a work in progress. My sis and I are still trying to fine tune it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kōsuke Ueki Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Well have you thought of where Chapter 1 begins at all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thanonyx Posted January 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Well have you thought of where Chapter 1 begins at all? Not really. My sis and I usually make these at random for fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kōsuke Ueki Posted January 2, 2010 Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Well, how about you start with the main character? That's how most stories start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thanonyx Posted January 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2010 Well' date=' how about you start with the main character? That's how most stories start.[/quote'] Stardust Dragon "is" the main character. It's his/her/it's origin story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.