Jump to content

Rise of the Chosen-Episode 2~POSTED!!~

Bloodrun

By Bloodrun
in Creative Writing

Recommended Posts

Bloodrun Newbie

Bloodrun

Posted
Posted

Ok, so this is my very first, very new, and very original, Fan Fic, I am still learning the ropes, so i dont have any links to the pictures of the cards yet, but this is the first episode, and well the main characters name is Tayo, he is a Native American boy, who whitnessed his brother being killed, and is now even though he doesnt know it, it going to be the savior of all souls, and what not lol I hope you enjoy it! =)

Please tell me all your critisicm, and what i should do =)

 

 

Episode 1-Tayo's Retribution

 

[align=center]As I look at the face of Josiah, I can feel his pain through his eyes. I can tell that he feels he is going, but i dont want him to, he needs to stay here, with me. His eyes grew big, and I knew he knew, we both knew, what was coming. As his opponent, of which i know not his name, laughed in his demonic voice.

"and now my friend.... the time has come for you to feel the wrath of the gods, who despise the land you praise. Come! my companion bring forht your Fog, invelope him until he cannot breath!"

The mysterious man had played a card that had been heard of berfore, but never seen, until that point in time. He had played the "Fog of Invisability". As i stood watching, my brother began to be inveloped into the fog, his expression wasn't that of fear, but of responsibility. He knew that in order to defeat this man, this monster! he must sacrifice himself. Little by little he began to dissapear, until all that could describe him was his voice... calling to me.. telling me to behave, telling me to trust in this land, the land that brought forth our creators.. remember Nau'ts'ity'i and I'tcts'ity'i... remember...

Then he was gone, his very existence, became his demise...

 

 

Tayo didn't sleep well that night. Hew tossed in the old iron bed, and the colied springs kept squeaking even after he lay still again, calling up humid dreams of black night and loud voices rolling him over and over gain like debris caught in a flood. Tonight the singing had come first, squeaking out of the iron bed, a man singing in spanish, the meldoy of a faimliar love song, two words again and again, "Y volvere." He could hear the shift in his dreaming, like a slight afternoon wind changing its direction, coming less and less from the south, moving into the west, and the voices would become Ancient voices, and he could hear Josiah calling to him, Josiah bringing him the fever medicine when the had been sick many moons ago.

 

"Ay' Tayo... Man, you awake? Come on man, you know your moms gonna be piss if you miss schooal again today." Harley said.

A long puased, and he spoke again. "Man it's been over two years, you gotta over him man... Ay' tell you what, you get up and come to school, and I'll letyou borrow my "Nemphis". After hearing an offer I could not refuse, I cautiously pulled my slef out of bed and got dressed, Harley still watching, mind you.

It was 20 minutes after 8am, we had20 minutes to get to school. "Come on man, speed it up!" Harley said.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." I said in return. We had just pased the library when Harley yelled out "Uh.... Tayo?"

"Yeah?"

"What;s that?" He said pointing to my right pocket on my raggedy jeans. I looked down and, there was a very strong beam of light shining from inside my pocket.

"What the hell?!" I stopped abruptly and almost got knocked over by Harley.

"Du-ood, either im seeing things, or your onevery happy man, if you know what i mean, hehe."

"Harley, this isn't the time for jokes." I reached my hand in my pocket, and puilled out Harley's card.

"Dude, that;s my "Nemphis" Harley said.

"Ud, duh, I can see that, but why is it glowing?"

"Pssh, If I knew that i wouldn't have asked what it was." Harley said, sarcasticaly.

"Man, don't get smart with me." I flip the card over, and the back side was like a mirror, which was wierd, well, the whole damn thing was wierd.

"uh... Tayo?"

"God What now?!"

"Um, is it just me, or do you see a guy in the card?..."

I looked at the back of the card again, and sure enough... creepy enough, I saw the reflection of a man on the alley way beside the library. "Uh, Harley...."

"Yeah?"

"I think we should run now."

"Me too, but uh.... where are we go...."

"I wouldn't bother running." A deep voice came from the alley way, I assumed it was from the guy we sw in the card. "I will only find you again, and you wouldn't want that."

"Who the hell are you?!" Screamed out Harley.

"I am the one who seeks, Tayo Demour."

Puzzled, I asked "for what?"

"You see, Tayo." The man says, stepping forward "About two years ago, your brother Josiah, suffered a fate no human soul should have to endure."

"Stop it!, Stop it! I dont want hear it!"

"You must!" The man fiercely stepping forward, so now his entire face shown in the light of the card. We saw it, it was "Nemphis".

"You must listen to what I have to say, because Tayo, you are ready to avenge your brothers death."[/align]

 

 

[align=center]Episode 2-A Story to Learn

 

"Why should I believe you? How do I know you aren't just telling a story?"

"Because Tayo, I will tell you something about stories." He said "They aren't just entertainment. Don't be fooled. They are all we have, you see, all we have to fight off illnes and death." He paused, almost as if to give me time to register what he just said.

"You don't have anything, if you don't have the stories."

I stood there with a questionable look on my face, Harley leaned over and said:

"Heh, I think he's on something."

"Yeah, me too." I said in return, still looking at Nemphis.

"Eh Hmm." The deep voice broke in.

"We are running out of time Tayo." Nemphis said stepping further into the light of the card. I realized that he had a Viking Styled armor on, with two huge shoulder pads, and a rather preculiarly placed skull, below his waist. With his shredded capes swaying in the wind, and his red and purple glowing orbs, both, luminously coming from his hands, it looked like he was going to attack me, but instead in a low, fast voice, he said:

"Tayo, you musn't lose this card. Because without this card I am invisible to you and Harley. Without this card I will not be able to protect you when the time arrives."

"Ok, easy there big man, no need to jump down his throat." Harley said jumping in, just as Harley was about to put his hands on Nemphis, a high pitched screech blasted from a couple blocks away. At that second every single window, all the mirrors in the cars, brsted into millions of little pieces. Me and Harley jumped back and as we did, we looked at Nemphis, his armor, his capes, he himself was fading in and out, as if the screech was making him dissapear.

"Tayo he is here!" Nemphis yelled.

"Who?! Who is here?!" I yelled back, more frightened then I have ever been.

"The man who imprisoned your brother." As soon as Nemphis said brother, the ground started to shake, I looked around, the cars were bouncing in odly perportioned ways and trees were being up rooted. From the corner of my eyes I saw Harley fall down, and as I bent over to help him up, an immense pain started to shoot up from my feet, as it rose up towards me hands, the more the pain grew more and more. By the time it got to my head I was already on my knees. Thats when I saw Nemphis, with his two orbs combined together to form a beam of light so bright, I thought i was going blind. As I saw this beam, it hit me, I remembered this beam from when Josiah was dueling that man, right before he disappeared, could it be? Could Nemphis be that man?

The beam grew bigger and bigger, and I could see that my hair was growing longer, it went from Brown, to White, and Black. My clothes, were becoming more and more less visable by the second, as if they were desinegrating. My arms, I could feel my arms growing bigger, I was gaining muscle, my legs and my abdomen, were becoming more and more muscular, I was becoming a Warrior.

Just as soon as it started, it ended. The screeching had stopped, the ground no longer shook, and the beam was no longer existant, and as I realized, neither was Nemphis, Nemphis had vanished.

I looked towards the place I last saw Harley, he was up now, and reaching towards me, his lips were moving, but i could not hear what he was saying. He started to vigerously point towards me, I looked down, and I had no clothes on, the beam must have actually taken my clothes. I was on my knees, with my hands in my hair, and I had no clothes on.

Something inside me, some emotion, was telling me to get up and face this man, but I couldn't. I couldn't force myself to my feet. Instead I laid in a ball, screaming:

"Josiah! Why did you leave me?!" Tears streaming down my face, I suddenly became very tired, not even caring that I was naked, or that somewhere the man that killed my brother, was terrorizing more people. I started thinking about this girl that had passed me in school, her face was like an angel, gleaming with joy and pride. Her hair bouncing with every step she took, her cheeks, when she smiled, bunched up into little rosie looking balls, like she had just put make-up on. I fell asleep with this running through my mind, belleza y paz... belleza y paz...

 

I woke up to the voice of my grandmother, singing to me, the poem my mother use to sing to me when I was younger:

 

Sólo tú le das brillo y Amor a mi Corazón.

Sólo tú me miras con tanta pureza y belleza interior.

Sólo tú llenas de Alegría a mi Alma.

Sólo tú conoces mis secretos, deseos y anhelos.

Sólo tú me transmites calor con tus manos.

Sólo tú me das fuerzas para seguir viviendo.

Sólo tú me hablas con tanta dulzura.

Sólo tú me escuchas con tanta paciencia.

Sólo tú me acaricias con tanta delicadeza.

Sólo tú me besas con tanta ternura.

Sólo tú me comprendes con tanta sutileza.

Sólo tú haces que me sienta el Ser más Feliz del Universo.

Sólo tú me das tanta seguridad en mí misma.

Sólo tú me calmas y tranquilizas cuando estoy mal.

Sólo tú eres el que puede entrar en mi Corazón y en mi Ser.

Sólo tú me abrigas cuando tengo frío.

Sólo tú eres y serás el Dueño de mi Corazón.

Sólo tú eres mi Sueño hecho realidad.

Sólo tú eres y serás el que me ama y me amará siempre.

Sólo tú eres al que amo y amaré eternamente!....

 

An old sensitivity had descended in her, surviving thousands of years from the oldest times, when the people shared a single clan name and they told each other who they were; they recounted the actions and words each of their clan had taken, and the people shared the same consciousness. The people had known, with the simple certainty of the world they saw, how everything should be.

But the fifth world had become entangled with European names: the names of rivers, the hills, the names of the animals and plants-all of the creation suddenly had two names: an Indian name and a white name. Christianity seperated the people from themselves: it tried to crush the single clan name, encouraging each person to stand alone, because Jesus Christ would save only the individual soul: Jesus Christ was not lik the Mother who loved and cared for them as her children, as her family.

The sensitivity remained: the ability to feel what the others were felling in the belly and chest; words were not necessary, but the messages the people felt were confused now. Our people, your people, my people, will be gone, if they do not realize, what we have done, what this man is going to do.

[/align]

 

translation to the poem =)

Only you give shine and Love to my Heart. Only you look me with so much purity and interior beauty. Only you full of Happiness to my Soul. Only you know my secrets, desires and yearnings. Only you transmit me heat with your hands. Only you give me forces to continue living. Only you speak me with so much sweetness. Only you listen me with so much patience. Only you caress me with so much delicacy. Only you kiss me with so much tenderness. Only you understand me with so much subtlety. Only you do that sits down me the to Be Happier of the Universe. Only you give me so much security in myself. Only you calm me and calm down when I am ill. Only you are the one that can enter my Heart and in my to Be. Only you shelter me when I am cold. Only you are and will be the Owner of my Heart. Only you are my Dream done reality. Only you are and will be the one that loves me and will love me always. Only you are to which I love and I will love eternally!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bloodrun Newbie

Bloodrun

Posted
  • Author
Posted

This is very nice..though there are a few spelling and grammar mistakes..and "Y volvere" has an accent on the second "e"

 

lol i know there are a few grammar mistakes, and i had typed this once, but when i went to go save it as a rough draft, it didnt save, and that really made me mad lol, and i know y vovere has an accident on the second e, but my keyboard doesnt do accents =/

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest Ixigo

Guest Ixigo

Posted
Posted

Boy you bump a lot... try posting a new chapter for a change.

 

Still, good job on the prologue, but it was too short. Your writing style is good, I'm only annoyed by the format a little, and by the first-person narration, but I won't hold either against you. The plot seems original and decently built, with a few flaws that I hope will diminish as you update. The characters are good, no specific comment there, except one that I seem to make everywhere: add a few more lines on their description - it won't hurt anybody! Same goes for places etc.

 

-Characters: 8/10 (good, but work on their introductions)

-Description: 7/10 (could use some work)

-Plot: 9/10 (nice build-up, but nothing major so far)

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 9/10 (Nigh-flawless, a few errors; not capitalizing 'I', using 'which' instead of 'whom' etc)

-Dueling: n/a (nothing yet)

-Overall: 8.2 (Great!)

 

Keep it up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bloodrun Newbie

Bloodrun

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Boy you bump a lot... try posting a new chapter for a change.

 

Still' date=' good job on the prologue, but it was too short. Your writing style is good, I'm only annoyed by the format a little, and by the first-person narration, but I won't hold either against you. The plot seems original and decently built, with a few flaws that I hope will diminish as you update. The characters are good, no specific comment there, except one that I seem to make everywhere: add a few more lines on their description - it won't hurt anybody! Same goes for places etc.

 

-Characters: 8/10 (good, but work on their introductions)

-Description: 7/10 (could use some work)

-Plot: 9/10 (nice build-up, but nothing major so far)

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 9/10 (Nigh-flawless, a few errors; not capitalizing 'I', using 'which' instead of 'whom' etc)

-Dueling: n/a (nothing yet)

-Overall: 8.2 (Great!)

 

Keep it up.

[/quote']

 

lol well you see, the stroy is that i had typed this thing 2 times, and it ended up not being saved twice, and i was mad the third time lol, and yeah, i was trying to change the fan fic on this around, and mix in more then just dueling =/ and well it was short becuase i wanted to keep it sweet and simple to start off with, yuh know?

 

and thanks flyingdagger =)

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bloodrun Newbie

Bloodrun

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Boy you bump a lot... try posting a new chapter for a change.

 

Still' date=' good job on the prologue, but it was too short. Your writing style is good, I'm only annoyed by the format a little, and by the first-person narration, but I won't hold either against you. The plot seems original and decently built, with a few flaws that I hope will diminish as you update. The characters are good, no specific comment there, except one that I seem to make everywhere: add a few more lines on their description - it won't hurt anybody! Same goes for places etc.

 

-Characters: 8/10 (good, but work on their introductions)

-Description: 7/10 (could use some work)

-Plot: 9/10 (nice build-up, but nothing major so far)

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 9/10 (Nigh-flawless, a few errors; not capitalizing 'I', using 'which' instead of 'whom' etc)

-Dueling: n/a (nothing yet)

-Overall: 8.2 (Great!)

 

Keep it up.

[/quote']

 

lol well you see, the stroy is that i had typed this thing 2 times, and it ended up not being saved twice, and i was mad the third time lol, and yeah, i was trying to change the fan fic on this around, and mix in more then just dueling =/ and well it was short becuase i wanted to keep it sweet and simple to start off with, yuh know?

 

and thanks flyingdagger =)

 

episode two, posted =)

Link to comment
Share on other sites
flyingdagger8 Newbie

flyingdagger8

Posted
Posted

You were right there are grammar issues like you said "illnes" when it is supposed to be "illness." "preculiarly"=peculiarly; "brsted"=bursted...I probably shouldn't mention anymore, but I love the way you describe the characters and provide graphics for them as well. The poem in Spanish is lovely. Great Job...keep up the good work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...